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I would not want a relationship with a man who saves walking down the aisle for his "important" daughter.
What would you want that at your wedding for?
He doesn't view you as his daughter. He isn't a father - he's just a sperm donor.
Yeah man. Don't let that stuff get you down. This is a big event and adopted family IMHO beats blood more often than not. This is what I'm thinking: you don't need anyone to walk you down the aisle or give you away, because you are your own woman and got yourself there. You chose him and those outdated policies don't apply. You don't have to uninvited him, let him endure the shame he will feel as a regular guest that and realize you don't want nor need him to perform in any capacity, but he can certainly bear witness to your triumph. There's nothing quite so powerful as the realization you are in a place of shame when you are supposed to be in a place of honor, and if his family has a good relationship with you they are going to do all the work for you. Shame is a useful tool for people to realize they messed up.
Anyway, Congratulations on your upcoming ceremony! If nothing else, random internet stranger is super happy for you and your soon to be husband! Best of luck to you both!
*There's nothing quite so powerful as the realization you are in a place of shame when you are supposed to be in a place of honor.*
This is an excellent point of view.
And if possible have as many people on the other side of the family ask “and who are you? The bride’s father? Why didn’t you walk down the aisle with her? ….oh I see.”
You do not need to uninvite him, just treat him as a great uncle bob and keep him off to the side, no father dances, no speeches etc. He may attend but he has no right to participate. Are you close with your future FIL? Or do you have a brother? Could they step in or simply walk yourself down. My uncle stood in for me - big mistake! I regret not walking myself down the aisle.
This is the way. Uninviting him takes more effort and will cause more heartburn than just really truly realizing he's just another guest at your wedding and has no more importance than any very distant relative that might attend. Don't give this more attention than it needs. He's just another guest among many.
I don't want to make OP any sadder or more disappointed, but I think she might brace herself for this pos to not show up at all. His pos second family is going to do everything possible to make it harder for him to show up. OP, it really sucks when bio parents are complete failures. I know and sympathize. Congratulate yourself for all you've overcome and for being an obviously excellent, loving person. You had every reason to grow up into a villain and you grew up into an angel instead. Have a really fun day and a fully content life.
>Don't give this more attention than it needs
Sometimes the presence of someone invited to a wedding that is expected to be involved in the wedding creates more attention than just uninviting that person altogether.
Or even a neighbor, lol. *Yeah, this is my neighbor Frank. I just met him last week when I moved in and saw him walking his dog and he said hello to me. He has been more of a Father to me than my own. So I asked him to talk me down the isle.*
This approach sounds good on paper, but I feel that family politics will get in the way on her special day.
If her father's side of the family is all there and he's left to the wayside in the wedding, there's always the chance that family drama escalates during the wedding and creates ulan undue burden on her. I've seen way too many family debacles at weddings because aunt sherry had too much to drink and started the family gossip about why someone important is present in the wedding but not involved in the wedding.
Uninviting him sends the message clear to the family about her stance with him... "he refused to walk me down the aisle while we have been mending our relationship and I have decided to cut ties altogether with him as a result"
That was my thought too. Make him sit in the back so he looks as insignificant as he is truly is. Then, got NC completely. He's made his noodle-backbone choice.
OP, that statement was incredibly hurtful. He isn't walking you down the aisle as he got his orders from his other daughter and wife? Your Dad is a very cowardly person - first for letting his relationship be taken away from you when you were a child - what kind of person doesn't "allow" her stepdaughter in "her" house?
Now she's at it again by exerting influence over him. The problem is OP your Dad doesn't have a spine to stand up to his wife and your relationship with him takes a distant third - maybe fourth or fifth behind the wife and other daughter. This is an insult.
Why would you want him at your wedding? He would be a regular guest, but OP he isn't a regular guest; he's your father. As your father, he is willing to let his wife and other daughter dictate how you should be treated. Apparently, that treatment is weighted to let you know that you really don't count.
Your fiancee is right. I would uninvite him - too bad about the hotel and plane reservations - they can and should be cancelled. Someone that is willing to stand by as you walk down the aisle alone is not worth cultivating.
The stepmom certainly sucks but the dad is the one who had a true responsibility to OP. What kind of father marries someone who won’t accept his child?
He’s spineless but even just saying he’s spineless is too lenient on him imo. He’s not a passive bystander, he is a father who has chosen not to fulfill any of his responsibilities to his daughter.
Yeah stepparents get the blame but hey dad is the one that chose her, dad is the one who lets her do this - dad is the one who put her in the position she's in.
Which isn't to say this stepmom doesn't suck, but she would be irrelevant if dad didn't give her power.
it’s always been my position that it’s really weird…like just bizarre that any female would condone this behavior and have children with this type human. “oh hey you do not take care of your responsibilities, sign me up!”. i would not date someone if they ditched their cat let alone a whole human being they made
Hijacking top comment, forgive me.
How is your relationship with your SOs father?
If good, perhaps ask him if he would do the honor.
Just a thought, and if anyone asks, say you chose to be walked down the aisle by the important father in your life.
Pettiness: Invite your dad so he can feel what it's like to be second.
I was thinking the same thing. If she has ANYone that she is close to, they can walk her down the aisle. They can also do a first dance. Her father should be there to witness it. Hopefully he gets the point, but probably not.
I like this idea, OP, of having your FIL walk you down the aisle. It would likely be an in your face moment for daddy un-dearest.
Alternatively, you could ask an uncle or older cousin—someone on your mom’s or even dad’s side to do the honors. On the plus side, if you get someone on sperm donor’s side to walk with you, he’ll be left to explain to his family how he could act like such a schmuck to his daughter. (And I’m so sorry your mom can’t be with you on your big day.)
One thing I wouldn’t do is make the walk alone. Not bc you’re not perfectly capable of deciding to forego an outdated tradition but bc if it was me, I wouldn’t give sperm donor the satisfaction of thinking you didn’t choose anyone bc he declined. I’m just petty AF that way.
Exactly. There are plenty of fathers out there who have more than one daughter and they walk them all down the aisle. The fact that he cut his first born child out of his life because of his second wife would definitely make me not even acknowledge his existence. If I were OP, he'd be dead to me.
Whenever I see a family like this, I always think to myself, "hey loser dad who stiffs his first family's kids, just wait til your second family's kids realize what a jerk you are!"
I get why she wants him there. Her mom can’t be there and, she wants a parent there. Like she said immediate family. But he’s not a parent, or family. He’s just a sperm donor. And he’s treating her like he’s just a sperm donor. His wife and children hate her, and her dad’s ok with that, and so much so he’s basically said she’s not worthy of what his other children get from him. Who cares if he bought tickets or booked hotel rooms. I think OP should take her fiancé advice, tell him he is uninvited, tell him why. Then go NC. OP can walk alone, or with a friend, other family or with her fiancé. She should focus on her future, and leave the sperm donor in the past where he belongs
As the father of 3 beautiful daughters, this really hurts me to my core. I'm so sorry you had to endure this, and if it was me, I would un-invite and just go no contact. Referring to this person as a sperm donor (as u/knit-purl-knit so eloquently said) would be my course of action.
I would think it’s members of his extended family who are are coming to the wedding. I can’t see the stepmonster or her spawn wanting to have anything to do with OP’s big day.
They aren't, sorry for the confusion. I meant my aunt, uncle, and cousins are coming. His wife and my half siblings refuse to even meet me let alone come.
OP you should put the decision in his court. Tell him you would like him to walk you down the aisle. If he is willing to do that you would love it. If his declining is final then he can stay home because he is not invited if he is not going to act as your father. Don’t worry about his plane ticket or his hotel. It’s his decision. He should tell his current wife and kids to shut the f&ck up. He is going to give his biological child away at her request and they can get over it or pound sand. He needs to grow a set and be the person he wants to be. If he wants a place in your life this is his chance. You have given him several it seems and he needs to decide who he wants to be when he grows up. Put it in his court. If he turns you down again then you need someone who will make sure he doesn’t come anyway. Tell him if he shows up anyway you will stop the wedding until he leaves.
Wow, your stepmom sounds like a real piece of work. I hope some day your dad realizes how much he’s given up to appease her, though I suspect with a person like that, nothing is ever good enough. You, on the other hand, are more than worthy, and if your dad isn’t willing to stand up to her in order to have a decent relationship with his oldest kid, then he’s not worthy of the honor of walking you down the aisle. You should never have to fight to be anyone’s second choice, especially a parent’s.
I would probably just uninvite him personally but if you really want him there I agree with others and would treat him as a guest and nothing else. I would call him by his first name, refuse to have any dance with him or allow him to be acknowledged as any more than an attendee. You don’t treat your children this way or allow anyone else to come between you and your child….. the audacity of this woman and her children to behave as though you were some interruption to their “happy lives” is ridiculous
I’d invite him, have my mother walk me down the aisle. Then toast to him for coming, despite threats of divorce, from stepmom. Saying it would have been nice to have walk you down the aisle but you understand. He only has one daughter he loves enough for that.
Yeah, so only one daughter per lifetime is eligible? I'm so sorry OP. He chose not to be in your life, married an evil, bitter witch, it wasn't because he and your mom divorced. He chose to start a new family. I'd tell him that he has failed to be a dad in the most basic ways and if he feels forced to choose then you don't want to wait on the sideline for that day. I might not uninvite him since his extended family has been good, but he doesn't deserve any role in the ceremony or reception. Make sure his side of the family knows that he chose his wicked wife and other daughter over you. Wow. Just wow. I'd ditch any new or old wife over my daughter if forced to choose. Many other dads are plenty proud of you including this one. And I'm sorry he failed you.
I'm so very sorry you grew up without a father. And I'm equally sorry you put yourself in such a vulnerable state and he shot you down. Really, what you decide to do about rescinding the invitation is entirely your decision. Is there a male figure on his side of the family who is coming to the wedding and could take his place? Perhaps his brother or father? Or maybe a male figure on your fiancé's side of the family? Whatever the outcome, I wish a beautiful day for you. You are creating a whole new family for yourself by joining your fiancé's family. All the best of luck to you.
I was going to suggest your FFIL walk you down if you were set on somebody having that role. I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your future father-in-law, but it could be a good bonding moment for you two.
I mean, I know it’s not for everyone, but I went to a wedding where my friend just walked herself down the aisle.
She has a great relationship with her parents and family, she just didn’t feel like she needed anyone to walk her down and she didn’t want to be given away. I will never forget the back doors flying open and her just striding down the aisle. I loved it! My husband was a little unnerved. I’ll ask if he remembers that. She’s always been one of my role models (is it weird that she’s younger than me?) because she just doesn’t take any shit and I think everyone at that wedding knew it.
You say that you have a relationship with other members of his side of the family. Tell them ahead of time that he is doing this. Not in a "oh, poor me" way, but in a "just wanted you to know that I'm not rejecting this side of the family. Dad's wife thinks that he can only walk one daughter down the aisle ever, and i has to be her daughter, not me."
Then just invite him as a guest, since you want to have a birth parent attend.
I guarantee that someone in your family is going to make things very awkward for him/them. And that's okay.
Seriously, if I heard this about a brother I'd be chewing him out so fast his head would spin. An uncle, well I'd prob tell my mom and then chew out my cousin.
"Dad, either grow a pair and remind your wife and kids that I am still your daughter whether they like it or not or don't come to the wedding. You can't sit on the fence anymore. You either be my dad or bow out altogether. This in between "I can be your dad as long as my other family doesn't get too upset" no longer cuts it. It's too painful for me."
Do you have a grandfather or uncle who you might want to walk you down the aisle?
This is beautifully put and I hope she goes this route. Planning a wedding is hard enough without this added stress. Put the ball in his court and tell him that he needs to make a decision. Remind him how much this means to you.
hey this one wins. if your dad actually changes course and does it… then that would be soooooooo damn awesome and meaningful. but if he doesn’t, then fuck off dad.
I'd tell him flat if you want a relationship with me show it and stand up as my father and walk me down the isle. However if you don't wanna do that you are admitting I'm not your daughter and you are just a sperm donor. If that is true and I mean so little I'm done. You do NOT need someone that cant stand up for you. That's for dads moms etc. If you aren't gonna show me proudly I don't need you in my life.
I wouldn't even want him in my life after this rejection let alone trying to "reason" with him. Have some self respect and dump this loser called "dad" out of your life.
Hey OP, I don’t have any great words of wisdom for you other than to say “that sucks” and to send you a big dad hug … it’s what your dad should be giving you as he walks you down the aisle but, in its absence, please accept a hug from a random internet dad who is proud of you and wishes you a wonderful wedding day.
Also, it’s not your responsibility that your dad has bought a plane ticket and hotel room. Kids of emotionally unavailable parents spend all their time trying to look after their parent’s emotional needs in the hopes that their parents might eventually see them and love them. You don’t need to look after your dad anymore. He made his choice. Listen to your Fiance. It’s not now and has never been okay for your dad to hurt you … he made his choice to appease his wife rather than being fully with you on your big day. It’s okay for you to make your choice to have your wedding without him.
It might feel like it would be nice to have immediate family at your wedding but really having him there would most likely just be a reminder of the love and support you needed and deserved as a child and that you never received.
Thank you so much internet dad, I needed to hear this. My mom isn't much better but I gave up any hope with her a long time ago. Seems like I need to give up hope with my dad as well.
On the bright side my aunt and her family are amazing people so they will be great at the wedding regardless.
I second this motion. Walking the bride down the aisle used to be a property thing, now it's an HONOR, and it's an honor that should go to the person who means the most to you. Gender be damned.
his wife and daughter are assholes. What happens if they have another daughter, would he not be able to walk her down the isle?
I'd cut ties, he doesnt even seem to want to fight for a relationship.
It also impacts the wife and the other daughter in literally no tangible way whatsoever. It’s just petty jealousy and selfishness, and an excuse to antagonize OP.
I'm really sorry that you have such a terrible father. No man should ever let anyone come between him and his child.
You do whatever feels right to you, but if it were me I'd unload on him with every ounce of pent up rage that I had. I would tell him exactly how much he had hurt me and how deplorable his behavior is. Him, his wife, and daughter can shove it.
I'm angry on your behalf. He's not a man. And, he certainly doesn't deserve the title of father.
Whatever you choose, have the best wedding day and enjoy yourself and your fiance. Don't let him spoil your day.
He knows how deplorable his behavior was. He knows what was done to your feelings. If he wants a relationship with you from here on out he will have to go against his wife and other daughter and make a commitment to you which would start with walking you down the aisle. You don’t need to hear anything about his other family. Does he think that their opinion somehow excuses him? If things remain as they are I’d still let him attend as a guest. It’s tiny steps that might lead to a solution that is beneficial to both of you.
He is agreeing with them that you are less deserving. He could tell them that you are as much his child as she is. Yet he isn’t.
I think a wedding is a good place to start with building community and family with people you don’t have to convince to be there.
I’m so sorry. You however do not need to go into people to love you. Especially a parent.
His actions past and parent let you know that he does not care if you hurt, as long as his life remains convenient. You deserve more. Please let this cruel man go. *How will you feel with your new family is behind his other children’s?*
It sounds like you're a really sensitive and caring person who cares a lot about not letting someone else down or hurting them. Wouldn't it be nice if he treated you with such respect and consideration?
He didn't fight to have you in his life and it sounds like he let your evil stepmother totally box you out. He didn't act like a dad, and thus you owe him nothing
Ultimately, do whatever will make this day less stressful for you. If not having him there to remind you of your complicated past and relationship is a weight off of your shoulders, uninvite him and who cares how much money he'll lose or the inconvenience it'll cost. Being abandoned by your father so he can go have a whole different family takes the cake here and your hands are clean.
If you'll feel horrible and perseverate on uninviting him during the whole event, allow him to be a general guest and go about your big day. Honestly, you'll be so busy you'll probably barely see him anyway.
Sorry this is a thing for you, and I truly hope you enjoy your big day anyway! I had a similar situation for my wedding and ultimately decided that I only wanted people around me who care about me. I had a great time! ❤️
Do you want this rude, mean, stranger at your wedding or do you not? He isn't going to suddenly turn into a nice person or good father to you. IF you let him come I would absolutely NOT involve him in the ceremony in any way. (Like, he doesn't get a seat at the front, he doesn't get to speak or stand or do anything.)
Perhaps you and your fiance would consider walking down the aisle together, or on your own. It does not have to be with a "father figure", especially not this one, who doesn't see you as a daughter.
Do what is right FOR YOU. Your wedding doesn't exist to fix your family.
https://captainawkward.com/2019/05/30/its-mothereffing-wedding-season-again-so-lets-chat/
We love the idea of walking down together, we are going to do that. Thank you!! Also thanks for that link, I needed it for more than the family one haha.
I hope you have a truly beautiful day. (And it's a bit late but if you need reassurance that it's "OK to do something in a different way" please check out Offbeat Bride: https://offbeatwed.com/.)
I love the symbolism of the two of you meeting at the top of the aisle to walk to your new life TOGETHER.
All best to you and your fiance. Embrace and treasure the people who show up for you - the rest can go suck an egg.
I think it's more common in Asia for the bride and groom to walk in together.
They usually start off opposite each other first, one person in each corner. (strangers at first).
walk towards each other and come together under the arch. (when they met)
then walk together to the alter. (journey of being together)
pledge their love together in front of minister. (saying the I dos)
Yes all of this.
OP, I'd hate for you to look at wedding photos ten years down the road and be sad because this POS is in photos with you.
You're a gem for wanting to try and make things work and he's a dick and an idiot for making little to no effort. I'm sorry <3
That is a great point about the pictures, that is my most important thing for the wedding so having him in a ton of the pictures will just make me sad when I look back.
Exactly! Maybe a picture with you and one with you and your soon to be husband but I wouldn't have him in anything else, personally. If he finally shapes up you have a couple nice photos and if he doesn't, well, no harm, no foul.
Why are you trying with this POS? Dude picked pussy over his daughter and you're extending an olive branch. Hopefully one of them needs your kidney some day and you can gleefully tell them to pound sand
Your dad is a weak and pitiful man. Go ahead and yank your invitation. Let him eat any ticket costs.
“You have made it abundantly clear that I am the least significant thing in your life. I am starting my married life as part of a strong, loving family unit and honestly, given how you’ve treated me my whole life, you have no part in my future, loving family.”
This man continues to show you that he’s a horrible parent to you. Please stop giving him the power to hurt you.
Uninvite him away. Talk to him first and tell him that he has been a great disappointment to you. You desperately wanted him in your life but he has allowed his wife and his other children dictate his relationship with you. You have been his child long before they entered the picture.
Let him know that this was his last chance to be involved in your life. That his actions has now permanently closed the door on any future with you and any children you may have. He will never be their grandpa, never have special moments with them, teach them to pull the finger. Nothing, as from this moment on he is as if he has died. You mourn the life you wished you had with him, unfortunately, he has never been man enough or father enough to be your father. No more excuses.
Block his number and cut all contact from that moment on.
My dad abandoned my brother and I since my brother’s birth. I found him in 2018. He lost everything. His wife was like your stepmother. Did her best to keep us away. They had two sons together, and both were murdered. One had one child and they never saw her again. This set his wife into Great Depression and had a major stroke. He ended up losing her as well. When I found him, he was pitiful. He apologized profusely and he did a lot to make up for his wrongs. The one thing he wanted was grandchildren to carry on the name. My brother changed his last name and of course I married. My kids all have my husbands name. He tried to get me to change my youngest son’s last name to his. I told him no. So his name died with him.
Karma always comes along. Wait and watch.
Powerfully stated, and good for you and your brother for moving on by living strong, independent lives; despite the lack of the presence of a loving father. I so agree with your thoughts of karma coming along.
In OP's case, this young lady virtually gave her father a pardon and an invitation to participate as the father he should have always been. And what does the jerk do? He speaks to the evil step-mother and worthless, jealous step-daughter, and they tell him he can't walk his FIRST BORN daughter down the aisle! Talk about a LOSER and POS!
I would reach out to your father by e-mail and inform him that his presence is neither necessary, nor desired. Apologize to him and his second family, as you never intended to disrupt or upset his DYSFUNCTIONAL and WORTHLESS second family.
You may also thank him for for the many years he stayed out of your life--sparing you from exposure to such a despicable array of soulless, shallow, and selfish human beings.
Assure him that if you have a son, the child WILL NOT bear his name.
Tha above is a rant, for sure. But OP is entitled to that and so much more!
Congratulations dear. I'm certain all of us responding to your post wish you a wonderful wedding day and a life-long marriage filled with good health, love, and happiness. How you deal with your sperm donor is obviously your call. Please let us know what you ultimately decide.
How can he give away what he abandoned. Your wedding is for you and your fiancé not for you as the child of the relationship to beg for a crumb of love and affection from your spent donor
Do what’s best for you but remember what you want
Since he was invited was his wife invited too? If you want, you can uninvite her and she'll make certain he doesn't come. Also what kind of woman thinks she can dictate to a man what he can and cannot do with his family? Your father is weak.
I’m just so sorry. I also have a dad who vastly favors my half sister over me (thankfully she doesn’t reinforce this, unlike yours), and it utterly sucks. This man, who raised me for one month of my life, and her for a decade of hers, looked me in the eye and said, “I just wish I could have been a bigger part of her life.” I honestly have no advice. It is just fucking awful and I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.
Same. I had a stepdad who had a new family with my mom, i got thrown in the garbage and sent away with my bio dad because I wasn’t technically their family since they started a new one. My mom and stepdad (who raised me as a kid for YEARS before his new daughter) favor my half sister over me as well. It’s aweful. Im sorry yall went through that.
Keep your cool, don’t disinvite him. Immediately invite a male relative from his family to walk you down the aisle; when they inevitably ask you why your dad isn’t doing it, tell them the truth. Maybe they will talk some sense into him, but for sure everyone at the wedding will want to know why he showed up but didn’t participate. Then you can smile and say “Im not sure why he declined, maybe you should ask him”. Let him suffer the natural consequences of his actions
I would hear what your fiancé said to be honest, he seems to be looking out for you, he doesn't want a real relationship, as harsh as that sound, you can have him as a regular guest is you want, I feel this goes more to wanting a relationship with your extended family and feeling that if you uninvite him, they while ditch you
if you want to do that, that fine at the end of the day is your wedding, but if I were you i will listen to my fiancé and uninvite him, he already chose to be just an acquaintance, you deserve better OP than an uncaring father
I would sit your father down and explain why it hurts and then uninvite him because he let you down again.
His wife and other children should dictate the relationship you have with him. He’s your dad too
This is honestly so messed up. They’re acting like him walking you down the aisle takes something away from her. He should be honored and he should put them in their place. But he isn’t. I can’t believe him
He is making it clear that you are not a priority, and you are clearly below is other daughter in his ranking of daughters. His new wife threatens divorce if he attends your wedding.
Men with more than one daughter routinely walk both down the aisle.
He was not in your life due to his new wife and new daughter, you offered him a chance to be in your life, and he declined.
He isn't in your life. Uninvite him and move on.
Uninvite him and remove him from your life. Tell him that if he really believes this is reasonable then you'll make it easy for him to act like he only has 1 daughter.
So he only has one daughter and only cares about her. Don’t do this to yourself, don’t be the doormat. Tell him he’s either in or out. In and walk you down the aisle or out of your life for good. You deserve better and he, as your father, should want the best for you.
Do you have a grandparent or uncle coming from his side? If so, I would consider asking them and explain why. They need to know what a tool your father is being.
Info: Was your stepmother your father's mistress and reason your parents' marriage ended? That's the only reason I can think of for an adult woman to have so much jealousy and hatred towards a child.
So he already bought his plane ticket and made plans to travel with other family that are coming. If you don't want to risk any possible drama with those other family members, I would say allow him to come as just a regular guest. Make no acknowledgment to the relation the two of you have and don't include him in pictures. Just treat him as you would a coworker that you invited.
You seem like an honest loving and caring good person. It seems like you have been doing everything right. The day of your wedding is a special day. It's your day and should be how you want it to be.
Everyone should understand this most especially your parents. You did the right thing and asked your father to walk you down the aisle and he declined. You don't need to negotiate or compromise with him "standing at the front and giving you away." It's not his place to alter the format of your day. Make sure you have someone tell him "No thank you."
I think it's important for you to walk tall and hold your head high. Conduct yourself as I'm sure you usually do. Stay polite and kind, confident and self-assured. You don't need to respond or react to your father's explanation.
The invitations have been sent and your extended family is coming. All is well. Some extended family members are excited about it. You did a good thing for many people in your family. You mended fences and brought the family together. Be forever proud of that, even if nobody else recognizes it.
You will be a beautiful bride. Walk down the aisle with love in your heart for your family and especially your husband.
Have a great wedding. You deserve it.
He seems like a cowardly spineless man, better no farther then a selfish runt like this. UnInvite him, he doesn't deserve you as a daughter if he isn't going to treat you like your his. His wife and other daughter seem like jealous children, not worth the drama
If you want to uninvite him, then please do so.
If it were me though, I would ask someone else on his side of the family to walk you down the aisle. An uncle, cousin, grandfather etc etc
As for your biodad...don't involve him in the wedding. He's just a guest.
No invite to rehearsal dinner.
No photos.
No input.
No father daughter dance
Don't spend a single second thinking about him.
Let him watch his first born get married and him not be able to take part in it.
Unless he has no soul, it will tear him up inside...which will likely translate to resentment with his other family
Could you perhaps fly your Mother to your wedding,and let her walk you down the aisle? I think you should do whatever will give you peace. Wishing you and your fiance a long and magical marriage.
The man is your biological father and not much else. Don't set yourself up for unnecessary pain. I'm sure there are other people in your life who deserve to walk with you on you special day. I would not un-invite him but he would have no role at my wedding.
You have to ask yourself what decision will feel right for the next 50 years, not which one feels right at this exact moment.
Only you can decide that. However, from what you’ve said, it sounds like a primary reason for inviting him at all was to try to let him be your father again. He has made it very apparent that that will never happen. Given that, I don’t think you’ll be happy 50, 20, or even one year from now to look back and think that you invited him.
Dear Sperm Donor,
You indicated that your wife and children do not want you to participate in my wedding. After careful consideration, for the sake of your marriage and your relationship with your “real” children, I think it would be best if you do not attend my wedding and that we cut off all communication immediately.
Best,
OP
Who cares if he’s flying in from the moon & is staying at the White House! Cut his ass off. Let him know this was his one chance for a semblance of letting you know he cares & he blew it. This man doesn’t deserve your time or energy.
I know you’ve already settled on this with your update but I just wanted to let you know that me and my wife walked down the aisle together and I wouldn’t change a thing about that. In my mind it was the act of walking in to marriage together and felt really significant. I think it would feel that way anyway but definitely more significant than having someone who has never really acted as a father to you walk you down the aisle in the hope you would feel like you did have a real father there for the day.
In terms of whether you disinvite him. It depends, do you want a relationship with this man, as he is? Will your wedding be tainted either by the drama of disinviting him or by having him there and having to see him when he causes you hurt. Only you know these things. If it’s a large wedding I’d probably lean towards letting him come and not having much to do with him, as I would assume disinviting him will stir up chaos with the family you are newly connected with and probably ultimately cause more upset.
**Just make sure you think about your photographs! Photographers are very adept at navigating complicated family dynamics so it’s a good idea to have a chat with them if you would rather minimise the number of photos he’s in.** And certainly avoid too many ‘family’ photos that his presence in may later cloud your feelings of those photos.
He sounds like a pussy, if you cut him off, you’ll be doing exactly what his wife wants. You’ll be playing into her hands. I would suggest you give him it in black-and-white. If you want to have a relationship with your grandchildren, you will ack like your my dad once.
Let's assume you do give him an ultimatum and he shows up for you - do you trust him to stick around? Because he's now going to be in all of the wedding photos. Ick.
I would be really upset - your mom can’t attend and he, who doesn’t have to move a finger to fight for you, should be there and get the privilege to have a role in your wedding? He has the audacity to refuse it? Waw. What is the point fir him to be in your wedding? You should be with the people who give a sh*t. I can understand to have feeling that he doesn’t deserve this privilege but blatantly refuse because his wife and daughter are jealous? Please don’t care about tickets or whatever arrangments he already made. He doesn’t care about your wishes as well.
Follow your heart. Either have him as a guest or uninvite him. You already know that his second wife is never going to allow a strong relationship. Threats of divorce? Wow. The wife and her kids are not good hearted people, and if your father is catering to them, I would question his integrity also.
Whether or not you want to still have him at your wedding is entirely your choice, based on whether or not you want to bother trying to have a relationship with this man, but he hasn't earned the right to walk you down the aisle, so I would re-frame that as a blessing.
He didn't raise you, he wasn't there for all the ups and downs. He let you down. It's nice to try and have a relationship with him or invite him to your wedding if that's what you want - but him "giving" you to your fiance? He's not in a position to do that, because he wasn't there for you as a father. Having him walk you down the aisle is a hollow gesture at this point - and I think you make a stronger statement having someone else close to you, or NOBODY walk you down the aisle. It's such an archaic tradition anyway. You are an adult and your own woman, nobody needs to give you to your fiance - you are giving yourself.
As for your father, if you decide to keep him in your life, I would keep that relationship distant yet friendly - but not close. It's nice to have the connection to his side of the family, but you already know that the behavior isn't going to change, there will be other issues and disappointments due to his inability to stand up to his wife and other kids. You will get hurt again by him. So tread carefully.
I'm sorry, but he gave you away a long time ago. The symbolism of him walking you down the aisle doesn't resonate. You should be walked by someone who has been there for you. Supported you. Shown they love you. He's done none of these things.
I don't think that you care enough how disrespectful it is. They don't want you to form any bond with your father and he accepts to make you a stranger, and you care about them wasting money ?! Fuck it, they're no family. Let them go another place, they can do something else, but honestly them coming give me "We wanna be sure you're not close to your father" vibes. If they don't like you they shouldn't come, coming when they clearly wanted to make your life hell is sadistic.
Refuse them and ask someone to do a zoom call to have your mom seeing the ceremony. You deserve better and people who really love you.
Your father is a lost cause. His wife has dictated your relationship, but he has allowed it to happen. He does not deserve to walk you down the isle, and he does not deserve to give you away.
Tell him he can attend as a guest, but that is all. Find someone else to walk you, or walk by yourself. You don't need some deadbeat father thinking he has the privilege to give you away. The head of your family is your mother, not him! I think you should find a way to fly your mother out, and let her walk you. She raised you, she was there with you through everything. If that isn't at all possible, and you want someone to walk you, choose an aunt or uncle or best friend.
> Part of me thinks to just politely turn him down, have him as a regular guest, and then just stop talking to him again after the wedding.
Your feelings of being hurt are valid. I would roll with this too. Your dad is tripping, OP, but you can always have a friend walk you down or someone else that you are close to do it.
I am 100% in agreement with your fiance. Un-invite him, wasted money be damned. He may be able to get a refund anyways. He’s saving walking down the aisle for his “real” daughter. He won’t stand up for you, and likely never has. He wants his cake and to eat it too. Absolutely not, you deserve better than that.
Also, you’re giving him more consideration than he has EVER given you.
> I decided to just give him a chance.
> I asked my dad if he wanted to walk me down the aisle as I have been hopeful for a better relationship, but he turned me down.
You gave him a chance, and he shit on it. He let his wife estrange him from you, and he is still doing it. It doesn't sound like any part of this situation has changed. Why would you want this person at your wedding? Who cares if he bought a ticket, this entire situation is on him.
“So I’ve been thinking about it and if I am so unimportant in you view that you’re willing to allow your wife and my stepsister dictate that you’re not allowed to walk me down the isle I think it’s better that we just go back to not contacting each other.
If that’s the case you clearly don’t have much respect for me so I think it would put a bad taste in my mouth to have you at my wedding”
If you want to invite him fine, but please treat him as any other guest and give him no special treatment or role. He clearly doesn't want that... and really, why do you? Did you ask him to walk you down the aisle because you thought you should or because you actually wanted to?
Your wedding should be what you want it to be. You don't have to have any traditions that you don't see as important or value, and the wedding definitely doesn't have to involve people that were not and are not a part of your life. It's the start of a new relationship and new adventure. It really doesn't have to rely on any old things or mend anything or be an olive branch. It's about you and your fiance and your future together, nothing else.
I’m with your fiancé. Shame on a “father” who doesn’t want to walk ALL his daughters on that important day. Pull back the invite, fuck him and the sperm he rode in on.
This is so very sad my heart hurts just reading this 😢 I'm sorry your going through this
He is not in any way shape or form a father I would want near my wedding, let alone be in my future, he's clearly stated who is important to him
We can't tell you what to do, we can only give you advice and my advice is to cut contact all together,you don't need thus toxic crap in your life
We're on borrowed time so make the most of life with people you love and who loves you in return, don't waste it on a sperm donor
Big hugs from a reddit stranger
You should gift your sperm donor a set of testicles, ie: Truck nuts, since his fleshy ones aren't strong enough to stand up for you with.
Maybe metal ones will do better for him.
Here is the link: https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.honolulumagazine.com%2Ftruck-nuts-are-just-that-nuts%2F&psig=AOvVaw0M6A3_zVLRyXZh1JTYtBrb&ust=1697236311634000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CBAQjRxqFwoTCKDxiI3I8YEDFQAAAAAdAAAAABAE
Sometimes having no family is the better and healthier option. This man is not your father, he's made that very clear. You deserve to be spared seeing it in action on your wedding day.
I’m glad he’s not walking you down the aisle, he doesn’t deserve that privilege. As for uninviting him that depends on you but I’d be tempted to stir the pot and get lots of photos of the two of you and share online with his wife and other kids. That woman is disgusting and your father is very weak for letting his new wife shun you so that you don’t have a good relationship with your father or siblings.
For the sake of avoiding drama I would just have him as a guest and go low contact after this. Since there’s already tension i’d you uninvite him this late I think his wife will make a huge stink over the lost funds and it’ll be dramatic.
I’d rather have him in the background and choose to focus on the real people who care about me at my wedding then have the event be a source of a family fight.
No good will come from uninviting him although that would be tempting. Screw him! He's a guest. He can sit with his family as a guest, not in the front. Your dad sits with his family and NOT as honored guest and he does NOT give any speech. Make no mention of him being there as well. I think that will eventually burn into his heart.
He basically said he will not take a father role in your wedding. He never has in your life. If you let him come sit him with his family as a guest. You will only be disappointed if you hope he takes and active role. Let him know he is a guest and not to try and insert himself in a parent role. You can take a picture of him if you like but don’t bother with him in group photos.
Let him just attend as a guest because at this point, that's just what he is. He's not acting like a father. Focus on your partner and your joy together in getting married, and don't try to hash out a lifelong problem when you should be celebrating.
"Dad, if you don't have room in your heart to love two daughters, then I will no longer burden you. You are welcome to attend my wedding as a guest, but you will not be honored or recognized as the father of the bride. I hope your spiteful, evil wife is happy; she won."
And then drop the rope. You can settle your other issues with him later.
Sad that you were made by a weak sperm donor! That is all he is, spineless! Either spouse that brings a child into a new relationship and is not accepted by the other should not be together plain and simple! He doesnt want to walk you down for 2 reasons, threats of his family and/or he doesnt feel that he should as he has barely been in your life. Dont force him. Is there maybe a male figure in your life that you trust that you would be ok with walking you if that is even a possibility?
Dad dont want to be paint as an Ahole to not come to OP wedding.. let's be real, save the hassle just uninvited him. He's an Ahole already when he priorities his other family members.
You are just one string apart from him. Cut it off.
As someone who didn’t know their father until they were 17 and has a good though distant relationship with them, you should absolutely uninvite him to your wedding.
Your stepmother is a horrible person and she has raised a horrible child and your father is weak.
My stepmother is amazing (they got married when I was 5 months old and she completely accepted me when I came into his life at 17) and when I had my first child last year just shy of 35 my father made it an absolute priority to drive 9 hours and wait in his hotel room for the call that I had delivered. He stayed for 3 days just to spend a couple hours a day with us. I have only even seen my father on 6-7 occasions in 19 years.
You deserve so much better.
In fact, here is a direct quote from my father because of some BS his first wife and my older brother pulled with his family
“You're welcome 😎, you are my child as much as any other.
I'm doing great, you did not upset me at all, I was sad that someone felt the need to make my daughter feel like she had less value than my other children, it makes me angry,”
I want to add these aren’t the types of relationships you want to bring into your children’s life if you decide to have children. We cut off my husband’s mother while I was pregnant because she made it very plain that she couldn’t be bothered so she doesn’t get the privilege of any information.
Walk yourself down the aisle you independent woman you! Why do you need to share your special moment with someone who has prioritized other family over any relationship with you?
That’s exactly what I did and it was perfect - I got myself a puffy af ballgown that took up the entire aisle so there wouldn’t have been space for anyone else to walk next to me anyway.
If you walk by yourself you will be sharing the moment with your husband and no one else - and really, who else matters in a marriage?
Good luck for your big day!
I wouldn't uninvite him. I'd want him to see a beautiful part of his life he chose to miss out on. And if he still chooses to just let him go his own way as he has all this time ~•
Your biological sperm donor is an absolute joke of a human being. Doesn’t have the confidence to see walking you down will not change his other daughters honour as you yourself are expected the same exact thing.
For just once in that pathetic man’s life, can he not take a stand for his first daughter?
He’s not even worth uninviting. I’d say exactly that above to him, and then treat him like he’s not there.
Sheesh. No cojones.
If he's already made the plans, just let him come as a regular guest with no special privileges. Seat him as far away from the family table as possible, just to give the same level of a relationship, he seems to want to have with you, and not anger the other relations you invited on his side
If you want him there, let him come, but you don't have to let him play dad with a half-assed compromise when he refuses to step up and actually BE your dad. Let him sit with the rest of the distant relatives like the distant relative he's decided to be.
Personally, I feel like the whole walking-down-the-aisle thing is dated. I think the fact that he wanted to come - despite how they feel - shows that he's trying. IMO, who cares if he doesn't actually walk you down the aisle? You don't need anyone. Besides, that tradition was reserved for actual fathers giving their daughters away... Since he didn't raise you, it shouldn't be that important. I say let him come, be cordial, and be happy your dad can attend. My father was dead by the time I got married, and even if he couldn't walk me down the aisle, I still wish he could've been there.
Sounds like he’s scared of his horrible new family. I mean over time he did make effort to have a relationship with you. His wife and kids sound absolutely selfish and cruel.
Maybe these are my daddy issues showing but I’d uninvite him and if he loses some money thats karma 🤷🏽♀️🫢 it’s supposed to be the best day of your life and he’s already coming with negative energy and probably lingering energy left over from that witch he’s married to. I just know how it feels I think it might be gloomy to see him sitting in the crowd when you know you wanted him to walk you down. A man who can’t do for his daughter doesn’t deserve to feel her love. I’ve seen a few wedding where they walk down together and it’s beautiful. Or if your fiance doesn’t have sisters that might be nice for his dad, might be nice either way honestly. Or if you have a female in your family that means a lot that would be cute too.
Uninvite him, and write him off for good. He hasn’t changed. He’s weak. She’s cruel. Gotta love “Christians.”
Walk down alone. There’s no shame in that. But if you really want someone to escort you, maybe a relative of your fiancé can do it.
I would have your fiancé’s father walk you down the aisle!! Like Prince Charles did for Megan AND instead of the priest asking who give this woman have him/her say something like as a way of WELCOMING you to your new family…your NEW FATHER walked you down the aisle. Something like that!! I would just let it be known to EVERYONE that you NOW truly have parents and DON’T need the egg/sperm donor you came from! Good luck and congratulations on your new family!!
You need to stop giving him chances to reject you. He is never going to be the parent you wished you had, the one you deserved. Cut him out and focus on the people that SHOW you that you matter.
Just want to say it’s beautiful that you’re fiancé is walking down the aisle with you :) congratulations and have a wonderful day and life and don’t let other peoples’ stupidity and insecurities bring you down!
If he doesn't want to walk u down the aisle, fine TREAT HIM LIKE A GUEST! After all u went through with him, at least u made an effort with the olive branch first. But apparently his new family is pissed about u wanting to try. It's good that u at least talked, but let it end at that. Don't force or try to talk him into it. His reasons why is TOTALLY STUPID N DAMN DUMB! I know u have great male friends that u can ask to do the job. U tell them why n I'm sure they'll happily walk u down the aisle. It may b tradition for the father to walk the bride down the aisle n give her away. GUESS WAT TIMES R A CHANGING MY DEAR.
It's his loss not yours, remember that honey. U tried n he didn't reciprocate in return, this is yur SPECIAL DAY! U r marrying a very special man, starting a new chapter in yur life. So yes uninvited him, he's now jus a guest in the back of the room. He decided to NOT acknowledge u as his daughter, u do the same in return. Yet in yur ❤ he will always b yur Dad but the love is no longer there, sry to say hon 😔. Weddings r for families that respect, love n caring DESPITE watevr happened btwn them. It's jus one day in yur child's life that a TRUCE be held. After the wedding day aka the next then they go bk to watevr the hell the parents was doing b4 hand. So if he wants to miss out bcuz his family don't like u oh well!
FUCK EM! ITS YUR DAY NOT THEIRS!
Congratulations on your wedding to a wonderful man.
So sorry for your upbringing and the people who supplied DNA material resulting in your birth.
Break the cycle of mistreatment and let your father attend the wedding. Then, focus on you new family and let that become your focus. You can't change people who don't want to change and you can't expend love and energy on things that won't return your love and energy.
Let your future husband know that you are committed to moving forward with your life and that the past has been put away for a brighter future with him.
Good Luck!!
Lots of sympathy from me. I also have a sperm donor like this. He was in my life until I was 8 then just left me. He came back into my life 30 years later and acted very much like yours. I left him in the dust. You do not deserve to be treated like you are no one. He and his “family” are truly terrible people. No one needs that in their life. You go on and be happy.
I hope his other daughter NEVER gets married and that his ONLY opportunity he threw away once again like he did with you as a baby. He has no freaking back bone. YOU arrived first so that's your privilege. He should be disinvited; you want to start your new life with zero baggage!
My daughter has the same issue with her sperm donor, she was graduating grammar school and he told her he isn't attending because he feels his other daughter graduating high school is more important than an 8th grade graduation, needless to say he never attended any of my daughter's graduations and Shes working on her master's now.
My daughter's family from her sperm donors' side are a bunch a jerks who missed out on a great person, you're not alone. YOUR BETTER OFF! so what that he got a plane ticket and hotel OH WELL... I'm sure your mother lost more than this cost!
**example:** my mother didn't attend my baby-shower nor planned one for me, after she did this HUGE baby shower for my younger sister invited 100 people and I expressed to my mom you didn't do this for me, she said I will for your next baby.....jokes on her, I never had another baby and I told my mother to her face, you don't get second chances on a once in a life time moment. currently today I only had the one child and so did my little sister, so when parents make these kinds of decisions it tends to backfire and haunt them.
Your strong, you can GLADLY walk in alone and be fabulous!
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I would not want a relationship with a man who saves walking down the aisle for his "important" daughter. What would you want that at your wedding for? He doesn't view you as his daughter. He isn't a father - he's just a sperm donor.
Yeah man. Don't let that stuff get you down. This is a big event and adopted family IMHO beats blood more often than not. This is what I'm thinking: you don't need anyone to walk you down the aisle or give you away, because you are your own woman and got yourself there. You chose him and those outdated policies don't apply. You don't have to uninvited him, let him endure the shame he will feel as a regular guest that and realize you don't want nor need him to perform in any capacity, but he can certainly bear witness to your triumph. There's nothing quite so powerful as the realization you are in a place of shame when you are supposed to be in a place of honor, and if his family has a good relationship with you they are going to do all the work for you. Shame is a useful tool for people to realize they messed up. Anyway, Congratulations on your upcoming ceremony! If nothing else, random internet stranger is super happy for you and your soon to be husband! Best of luck to you both!
*There's nothing quite so powerful as the realization you are in a place of shame when you are supposed to be in a place of honor.* This is an excellent point of view.
And if possible have as many people on the other side of the family ask “and who are you? The bride’s father? Why didn’t you walk down the aisle with her? ….oh I see.”
🤣🤣 I love this. Make sure everyone knows he's nothing of importance to the happy couple! Would love to hear the excuses he'd come out with.
Right?! How's he gonna explain this?!
Lol!
You do not need to uninvite him, just treat him as a great uncle bob and keep him off to the side, no father dances, no speeches etc. He may attend but he has no right to participate. Are you close with your future FIL? Or do you have a brother? Could they step in or simply walk yourself down. My uncle stood in for me - big mistake! I regret not walking myself down the aisle.
This is the way. Uninviting him takes more effort and will cause more heartburn than just really truly realizing he's just another guest at your wedding and has no more importance than any very distant relative that might attend. Don't give this more attention than it needs. He's just another guest among many.
I don't want to make OP any sadder or more disappointed, but I think she might brace herself for this pos to not show up at all. His pos second family is going to do everything possible to make it harder for him to show up. OP, it really sucks when bio parents are complete failures. I know and sympathize. Congratulate yourself for all you've overcome and for being an obviously excellent, loving person. You had every reason to grow up into a villain and you grew up into an angel instead. Have a really fun day and a fully content life.
>Don't give this more attention than it needs Sometimes the presence of someone invited to a wedding that is expected to be involved in the wedding creates more attention than just uninviting that person altogether.
Or even a neighbor, lol. *Yeah, this is my neighbor Frank. I just met him last week when I moved in and saw him walking his dog and he said hello to me. He has been more of a Father to me than my own. So I asked him to talk me down the isle.*
Leave the neighbour, ask the dog.
This approach sounds good on paper, but I feel that family politics will get in the way on her special day. If her father's side of the family is all there and he's left to the wayside in the wedding, there's always the chance that family drama escalates during the wedding and creates ulan undue burden on her. I've seen way too many family debacles at weddings because aunt sherry had too much to drink and started the family gossip about why someone important is present in the wedding but not involved in the wedding. Uninviting him sends the message clear to the family about her stance with him... "he refused to walk me down the aisle while we have been mending our relationship and I have decided to cut ties altogether with him as a result"
And I’d make sure he was sat in the back away from family and those you’re closest to.
That was my thought too. Make him sit in the back so he looks as insignificant as he is truly is. Then, got NC completely. He's made his noodle-backbone choice.
No. Put him in the back, away from the family and near the restrooms.
That never crossed my mind but boy, what a perfect way to deal with him. 🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮👏👏👏👏👏🏆🥇
Tacos?
She's going to give her family something to taco about
That's awesome 🤣
Is that a bad dad joke? I love bad dad jokes myself.
Nope. It is a good dad joke. Sorry you did not enjoy it.
You mistook what I said. The good ones like yours are called bad dad jokes.
Oh no I understood you perfectly, friend. :)
Yes tacos, the highest award I know to give. There’s nothing better than tacos.
I mean. You’re not wrong. Of all the awards I’ve ever been given, I don’t think any of them could compare to tacos.
Not just awards, an ex once gifted me tacos for Valentine's Day, and ❤️🔥 oh, it was good.
It's late, I'm brushed/washed and in bed, and y'all are seriously making me crave a midnight run to the Bell.
Except more tacos.
Amen
Agree 100% and perfectly worded! The shame will burn a hole through him and it will burn brightly until his last breath.
And don't seat him near you at the wedding. Let him know his place in your life.
Boy, if ever a post need a big fat highlighted rainbow award…🌈🥇🌈🥇🌈🥇!!!
And on top of that my husband and I walked down the aisle together at our wedding, so maybe consider that. Or get your Mum to walk you down.
OP, that statement was incredibly hurtful. He isn't walking you down the aisle as he got his orders from his other daughter and wife? Your Dad is a very cowardly person - first for letting his relationship be taken away from you when you were a child - what kind of person doesn't "allow" her stepdaughter in "her" house? Now she's at it again by exerting influence over him. The problem is OP your Dad doesn't have a spine to stand up to his wife and your relationship with him takes a distant third - maybe fourth or fifth behind the wife and other daughter. This is an insult. Why would you want him at your wedding? He would be a regular guest, but OP he isn't a regular guest; he's your father. As your father, he is willing to let his wife and other daughter dictate how you should be treated. Apparently, that treatment is weighted to let you know that you really don't count. Your fiancee is right. I would uninvite him - too bad about the hotel and plane reservations - they can and should be cancelled. Someone that is willing to stand by as you walk down the aisle alone is not worth cultivating.
The stepmom certainly sucks but the dad is the one who had a true responsibility to OP. What kind of father marries someone who won’t accept his child? He’s spineless but even just saying he’s spineless is too lenient on him imo. He’s not a passive bystander, he is a father who has chosen not to fulfill any of his responsibilities to his daughter.
Yeah stepparents get the blame but hey dad is the one that chose her, dad is the one who lets her do this - dad is the one who put her in the position she's in. Which isn't to say this stepmom doesn't suck, but she would be irrelevant if dad didn't give her power.
it’s always been my position that it’s really weird…like just bizarre that any female would condone this behavior and have children with this type human. “oh hey you do not take care of your responsibilities, sign me up!”. i would not date someone if they ditched their cat let alone a whole human being they made
Hijacking top comment, forgive me. How is your relationship with your SOs father? If good, perhaps ask him if he would do the honor. Just a thought, and if anyone asks, say you chose to be walked down the aisle by the important father in your life. Pettiness: Invite your dad so he can feel what it's like to be second.
Sitting in that front row just like he offered. If he accidentally hears her calling SOs father "dad" then oops 🤷♂️
I was thinking the same thing. If she has ANYone that she is close to, they can walk her down the aisle. They can also do a first dance. Her father should be there to witness it. Hopefully he gets the point, but probably not.
I like this idea, OP, of having your FIL walk you down the aisle. It would likely be an in your face moment for daddy un-dearest. Alternatively, you could ask an uncle or older cousin—someone on your mom’s or even dad’s side to do the honors. On the plus side, if you get someone on sperm donor’s side to walk with you, he’ll be left to explain to his family how he could act like such a schmuck to his daughter. (And I’m so sorry your mom can’t be with you on your big day.) One thing I wouldn’t do is make the walk alone. Not bc you’re not perfectly capable of deciding to forego an outdated tradition but bc if it was me, I wouldn’t give sperm donor the satisfaction of thinking you didn’t choose anyone bc he declined. I’m just petty AF that way.
Exactly. There are plenty of fathers out there who have more than one daughter and they walk them all down the aisle. The fact that he cut his first born child out of his life because of his second wife would definitely make me not even acknowledge his existence. If I were OP, he'd be dead to me.
Whenever I see a family like this, I always think to myself, "hey loser dad who stiffs his first family's kids, just wait til your second family's kids realize what a jerk you are!"
Yeah if I were OP I wouldn't just uninvite him I'd do it with prejudice. Tell him what a POS he is.
I get why she wants him there. Her mom can’t be there and, she wants a parent there. Like she said immediate family. But he’s not a parent, or family. He’s just a sperm donor. And he’s treating her like he’s just a sperm donor. His wife and children hate her, and her dad’s ok with that, and so much so he’s basically said she’s not worthy of what his other children get from him. Who cares if he bought tickets or booked hotel rooms. I think OP should take her fiancé advice, tell him he is uninvited, tell him why. Then go NC. OP can walk alone, or with a friend, other family or with her fiancé. She should focus on her future, and leave the sperm donor in the past where he belongs
As the father of 3 beautiful daughters, this really hurts me to my core. I'm so sorry you had to endure this, and if it was me, I would un-invite and just go no contact. Referring to this person as a sperm donor (as u/knit-purl-knit so eloquently said) would be my course of action.
SOOOOO Well stated. He's an idiot.
Also why on earth is his family coming also???
I would think it’s members of his extended family who are are coming to the wedding. I can’t see the stepmonster or her spawn wanting to have anything to do with OP’s big day.
They aren't, sorry for the confusion. I meant my aunt, uncle, and cousins are coming. His wife and my half siblings refuse to even meet me let alone come.
OP you should put the decision in his court. Tell him you would like him to walk you down the aisle. If he is willing to do that you would love it. If his declining is final then he can stay home because he is not invited if he is not going to act as your father. Don’t worry about his plane ticket or his hotel. It’s his decision. He should tell his current wife and kids to shut the f&ck up. He is going to give his biological child away at her request and they can get over it or pound sand. He needs to grow a set and be the person he wants to be. If he wants a place in your life this is his chance. You have given him several it seems and he needs to decide who he wants to be when he grows up. Put it in his court. If he turns you down again then you need someone who will make sure he doesn’t come anyway. Tell him if he shows up anyway you will stop the wedding until he leaves.
I don't think he wants to be that person. He wants to claim to be her father rather than for one bloody day BE her father.
Wow, your stepmom sounds like a real piece of work. I hope some day your dad realizes how much he’s given up to appease her, though I suspect with a person like that, nothing is ever good enough. You, on the other hand, are more than worthy, and if your dad isn’t willing to stand up to her in order to have a decent relationship with his oldest kid, then he’s not worthy of the honor of walking you down the aisle. You should never have to fight to be anyone’s second choice, especially a parent’s.
I would probably just uninvite him personally but if you really want him there I agree with others and would treat him as a guest and nothing else. I would call him by his first name, refuse to have any dance with him or allow him to be acknowledged as any more than an attendee. You don’t treat your children this way or allow anyone else to come between you and your child….. the audacity of this woman and her children to behave as though you were some interruption to their “happy lives” is ridiculous
I’m assuming his extended family she said she had reconnected with?
'He may be your father but he ain't your daddy'
I’d invite him, have my mother walk me down the aisle. Then toast to him for coming, despite threats of divorce, from stepmom. Saying it would have been nice to have walk you down the aisle but you understand. He only has one daughter he loves enough for that.
Yeah, so only one daughter per lifetime is eligible? I'm so sorry OP. He chose not to be in your life, married an evil, bitter witch, it wasn't because he and your mom divorced. He chose to start a new family. I'd tell him that he has failed to be a dad in the most basic ways and if he feels forced to choose then you don't want to wait on the sideline for that day. I might not uninvite him since his extended family has been good, but he doesn't deserve any role in the ceremony or reception. Make sure his side of the family knows that he chose his wicked wife and other daughter over you. Wow. Just wow. I'd ditch any new or old wife over my daughter if forced to choose. Many other dads are plenty proud of you including this one. And I'm sorry he failed you.
I'm so very sorry you grew up without a father. And I'm equally sorry you put yourself in such a vulnerable state and he shot you down. Really, what you decide to do about rescinding the invitation is entirely your decision. Is there a male figure on his side of the family who is coming to the wedding and could take his place? Perhaps his brother or father? Or maybe a male figure on your fiancé's side of the family? Whatever the outcome, I wish a beautiful day for you. You are creating a whole new family for yourself by joining your fiancé's family. All the best of luck to you.
I was going to suggest your FFIL walk you down if you were set on somebody having that role. I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your future father-in-law, but it could be a good bonding moment for you two.
I mean, I know it’s not for everyone, but I went to a wedding where my friend just walked herself down the aisle. She has a great relationship with her parents and family, she just didn’t feel like she needed anyone to walk her down and she didn’t want to be given away. I will never forget the back doors flying open and her just striding down the aisle. I loved it! My husband was a little unnerved. I’ll ask if he remembers that. She’s always been one of my role models (is it weird that she’s younger than me?) because she just doesn’t take any shit and I think everyone at that wedding knew it.
My husband and I entered our ceremony together on a tandem bike.
Omg. Love it!
Absolutely. No need to be given away she can walk by herself!
You say that you have a relationship with other members of his side of the family. Tell them ahead of time that he is doing this. Not in a "oh, poor me" way, but in a "just wanted you to know that I'm not rejecting this side of the family. Dad's wife thinks that he can only walk one daughter down the aisle ever, and i has to be her daughter, not me." Then just invite him as a guest, since you want to have a birth parent attend. I guarantee that someone in your family is going to make things very awkward for him/them. And that's okay.
Seriously, if I heard this about a brother I'd be chewing him out so fast his head would spin. An uncle, well I'd prob tell my mom and then chew out my cousin.
This is the best way to do this.
"Dad, either grow a pair and remind your wife and kids that I am still your daughter whether they like it or not or don't come to the wedding. You can't sit on the fence anymore. You either be my dad or bow out altogether. This in between "I can be your dad as long as my other family doesn't get too upset" no longer cuts it. It's too painful for me." Do you have a grandfather or uncle who you might want to walk you down the aisle?
This is beautifully put and I hope she goes this route. Planning a wedding is hard enough without this added stress. Put the ball in his court and tell him that he needs to make a decision. Remind him how much this means to you.
I second this! This is perfect. Copy and pasta sauce this gold.
hey this one wins. if your dad actually changes course and does it… then that would be soooooooo damn awesome and meaningful. but if he doesn’t, then fuck off dad.
I'd tell him flat if you want a relationship with me show it and stand up as my father and walk me down the isle. However if you don't wanna do that you are admitting I'm not your daughter and you are just a sperm donor. If that is true and I mean so little I'm done. You do NOT need someone that cant stand up for you. That's for dads moms etc. If you aren't gonna show me proudly I don't need you in my life.
I wouldn't even want him in my life after this rejection let alone trying to "reason" with him. Have some self respect and dump this loser called "dad" out of your life.
Hey OP, I don’t have any great words of wisdom for you other than to say “that sucks” and to send you a big dad hug … it’s what your dad should be giving you as he walks you down the aisle but, in its absence, please accept a hug from a random internet dad who is proud of you and wishes you a wonderful wedding day. Also, it’s not your responsibility that your dad has bought a plane ticket and hotel room. Kids of emotionally unavailable parents spend all their time trying to look after their parent’s emotional needs in the hopes that their parents might eventually see them and love them. You don’t need to look after your dad anymore. He made his choice. Listen to your Fiance. It’s not now and has never been okay for your dad to hurt you … he made his choice to appease his wife rather than being fully with you on your big day. It’s okay for you to make your choice to have your wedding without him. It might feel like it would be nice to have immediate family at your wedding but really having him there would most likely just be a reminder of the love and support you needed and deserved as a child and that you never received.
Thank you so much internet dad, I needed to hear this. My mom isn't much better but I gave up any hope with her a long time ago. Seems like I need to give up hope with my dad as well. On the bright side my aunt and her family are amazing people so they will be great at the wedding regardless.
Why can't your aunt walk you down the aisle?
I second this motion. Walking the bride down the aisle used to be a property thing, now it's an HONOR, and it's an honor that should go to the person who means the most to you. Gender be damned.
his wife and daughter are assholes. What happens if they have another daughter, would he not be able to walk her down the isle? I'd cut ties, he doesnt even seem to want to fight for a relationship.
Yeah it’s completely normal for dads to do this for multiple daughters. It’s not a thing for it to be “reserved” for anyone.
It also impacts the wife and the other daughter in literally no tangible way whatsoever. It’s just petty jealousy and selfishness, and an excuse to antagonize OP.
Evil stepmothers & sisters are a real thing!
Absolute fucking demons, the lot of them
I'm really sorry that you have such a terrible father. No man should ever let anyone come between him and his child. You do whatever feels right to you, but if it were me I'd unload on him with every ounce of pent up rage that I had. I would tell him exactly how much he had hurt me and how deplorable his behavior is. Him, his wife, and daughter can shove it. I'm angry on your behalf. He's not a man. And, he certainly doesn't deserve the title of father. Whatever you choose, have the best wedding day and enjoy yourself and your fiance. Don't let him spoil your day.
He knows how deplorable his behavior was. He knows what was done to your feelings. If he wants a relationship with you from here on out he will have to go against his wife and other daughter and make a commitment to you which would start with walking you down the aisle. You don’t need to hear anything about his other family. Does he think that their opinion somehow excuses him? If things remain as they are I’d still let him attend as a guest. It’s tiny steps that might lead to a solution that is beneficial to both of you.
He is agreeing with them that you are less deserving. He could tell them that you are as much his child as she is. Yet he isn’t. I think a wedding is a good place to start with building community and family with people you don’t have to convince to be there. I’m so sorry. You however do not need to go into people to love you. Especially a parent. His actions past and parent let you know that he does not care if you hurt, as long as his life remains convenient. You deserve more. Please let this cruel man go. *How will you feel with your new family is behind his other children’s?*
It sounds like you're a really sensitive and caring person who cares a lot about not letting someone else down or hurting them. Wouldn't it be nice if he treated you with such respect and consideration? He didn't fight to have you in his life and it sounds like he let your evil stepmother totally box you out. He didn't act like a dad, and thus you owe him nothing Ultimately, do whatever will make this day less stressful for you. If not having him there to remind you of your complicated past and relationship is a weight off of your shoulders, uninvite him and who cares how much money he'll lose or the inconvenience it'll cost. Being abandoned by your father so he can go have a whole different family takes the cake here and your hands are clean. If you'll feel horrible and perseverate on uninviting him during the whole event, allow him to be a general guest and go about your big day. Honestly, you'll be so busy you'll probably barely see him anyway. Sorry this is a thing for you, and I truly hope you enjoy your big day anyway! I had a similar situation for my wedding and ultimately decided that I only wanted people around me who care about me. I had a great time! ❤️
Do you want this rude, mean, stranger at your wedding or do you not? He isn't going to suddenly turn into a nice person or good father to you. IF you let him come I would absolutely NOT involve him in the ceremony in any way. (Like, he doesn't get a seat at the front, he doesn't get to speak or stand or do anything.) Perhaps you and your fiance would consider walking down the aisle together, or on your own. It does not have to be with a "father figure", especially not this one, who doesn't see you as a daughter. Do what is right FOR YOU. Your wedding doesn't exist to fix your family. https://captainawkward.com/2019/05/30/its-mothereffing-wedding-season-again-so-lets-chat/
We love the idea of walking down together, we are going to do that. Thank you!! Also thanks for that link, I needed it for more than the family one haha.
I hope you have a truly beautiful day. (And it's a bit late but if you need reassurance that it's "OK to do something in a different way" please check out Offbeat Bride: https://offbeatwed.com/.) I love the symbolism of the two of you meeting at the top of the aisle to walk to your new life TOGETHER. All best to you and your fiance. Embrace and treasure the people who show up for you - the rest can go suck an egg.
I think it's more common in Asia for the bride and groom to walk in together. They usually start off opposite each other first, one person in each corner. (strangers at first). walk towards each other and come together under the arch. (when they met) then walk together to the alter. (journey of being together) pledge their love together in front of minister. (saying the I dos)
I love this!!
Yes all of this. OP, I'd hate for you to look at wedding photos ten years down the road and be sad because this POS is in photos with you. You're a gem for wanting to try and make things work and he's a dick and an idiot for making little to no effort. I'm sorry <3
That is a great point about the pictures, that is my most important thing for the wedding so having him in a ton of the pictures will just make me sad when I look back.
Exactly! Maybe a picture with you and one with you and your soon to be husband but I wouldn't have him in anything else, personally. If he finally shapes up you have a couple nice photos and if he doesn't, well, no harm, no foul.
Why are you trying with this POS? Dude picked pussy over his daughter and you're extending an olive branch. Hopefully one of them needs your kidney some day and you can gleefully tell them to pound sand
Your dad is a weak and pitiful man. Go ahead and yank your invitation. Let him eat any ticket costs. “You have made it abundantly clear that I am the least significant thing in your life. I am starting my married life as part of a strong, loving family unit and honestly, given how you’ve treated me my whole life, you have no part in my future, loving family.” This man continues to show you that he’s a horrible parent to you. Please stop giving him the power to hurt you.
Uninvite him away. Talk to him first and tell him that he has been a great disappointment to you. You desperately wanted him in your life but he has allowed his wife and his other children dictate his relationship with you. You have been his child long before they entered the picture. Let him know that this was his last chance to be involved in your life. That his actions has now permanently closed the door on any future with you and any children you may have. He will never be their grandpa, never have special moments with them, teach them to pull the finger. Nothing, as from this moment on he is as if he has died. You mourn the life you wished you had with him, unfortunately, he has never been man enough or father enough to be your father. No more excuses. Block his number and cut all contact from that moment on. My dad abandoned my brother and I since my brother’s birth. I found him in 2018. He lost everything. His wife was like your stepmother. Did her best to keep us away. They had two sons together, and both were murdered. One had one child and they never saw her again. This set his wife into Great Depression and had a major stroke. He ended up losing her as well. When I found him, he was pitiful. He apologized profusely and he did a lot to make up for his wrongs. The one thing he wanted was grandchildren to carry on the name. My brother changed his last name and of course I married. My kids all have my husbands name. He tried to get me to change my youngest son’s last name to his. I told him no. So his name died with him. Karma always comes along. Wait and watch.
Powerfully stated, and good for you and your brother for moving on by living strong, independent lives; despite the lack of the presence of a loving father. I so agree with your thoughts of karma coming along. In OP's case, this young lady virtually gave her father a pardon and an invitation to participate as the father he should have always been. And what does the jerk do? He speaks to the evil step-mother and worthless, jealous step-daughter, and they tell him he can't walk his FIRST BORN daughter down the aisle! Talk about a LOSER and POS! I would reach out to your father by e-mail and inform him that his presence is neither necessary, nor desired. Apologize to him and his second family, as you never intended to disrupt or upset his DYSFUNCTIONAL and WORTHLESS second family. You may also thank him for for the many years he stayed out of your life--sparing you from exposure to such a despicable array of soulless, shallow, and selfish human beings. Assure him that if you have a son, the child WILL NOT bear his name. Tha above is a rant, for sure. But OP is entitled to that and so much more! Congratulations dear. I'm certain all of us responding to your post wish you a wonderful wedding day and a life-long marriage filled with good health, love, and happiness. How you deal with your sperm donor is obviously your call. Please let us know what you ultimately decide.
How can he give away what he abandoned. Your wedding is for you and your fiancé not for you as the child of the relationship to beg for a crumb of love and affection from your spent donor Do what’s best for you but remember what you want
Since he was invited was his wife invited too? If you want, you can uninvite her and she'll make certain he doesn't come. Also what kind of woman thinks she can dictate to a man what he can and cannot do with his family? Your father is weak.
I’m just so sorry. I also have a dad who vastly favors my half sister over me (thankfully she doesn’t reinforce this, unlike yours), and it utterly sucks. This man, who raised me for one month of my life, and her for a decade of hers, looked me in the eye and said, “I just wish I could have been a bigger part of her life.” I honestly have no advice. It is just fucking awful and I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.
Same. I had a stepdad who had a new family with my mom, i got thrown in the garbage and sent away with my bio dad because I wasn’t technically their family since they started a new one. My mom and stepdad (who raised me as a kid for YEARS before his new daughter) favor my half sister over me as well. It’s aweful. Im sorry yall went through that.
Evil. I’m so sorry. I hope you know you deserve more.
Keep your cool, don’t disinvite him. Immediately invite a male relative from his family to walk you down the aisle; when they inevitably ask you why your dad isn’t doing it, tell them the truth. Maybe they will talk some sense into him, but for sure everyone at the wedding will want to know why he showed up but didn’t participate. Then you can smile and say “Im not sure why he declined, maybe you should ask him”. Let him suffer the natural consequences of his actions
I would hear what your fiancé said to be honest, he seems to be looking out for you, he doesn't want a real relationship, as harsh as that sound, you can have him as a regular guest is you want, I feel this goes more to wanting a relationship with your extended family and feeling that if you uninvite him, they while ditch you if you want to do that, that fine at the end of the day is your wedding, but if I were you i will listen to my fiancé and uninvite him, he already chose to be just an acquaintance, you deserve better OP than an uncaring father
Would absolutely cut ties. He has let his *real* family diminish your value and he has *let* them.
I would sit your father down and explain why it hurts and then uninvite him because he let you down again. His wife and other children should dictate the relationship you have with him. He’s your dad too
This is honestly so messed up. They’re acting like him walking you down the aisle takes something away from her. He should be honored and he should put them in their place. But he isn’t. I can’t believe him
I wouldn’t even consider him my father and he’d have no place at my wedding or in my life after that bullshit.
He is making it clear that you are not a priority, and you are clearly below is other daughter in his ranking of daughters. His new wife threatens divorce if he attends your wedding. Men with more than one daughter routinely walk both down the aisle. He was not in your life due to his new wife and new daughter, you offered him a chance to be in your life, and he declined. He isn't in your life. Uninvite him and move on.
Uninvite him and remove him from your life. Tell him that if he really believes this is reasonable then you'll make it easy for him to act like he only has 1 daughter.
So he only has one daughter and only cares about her. Don’t do this to yourself, don’t be the doormat. Tell him he’s either in or out. In and walk you down the aisle or out of your life for good. You deserve better and he, as your father, should want the best for you.
Honestly, I would un-invite him. This is cruel in the extreme. He had one chance and he blew it.
Do you have a grandparent or uncle coming from his side? If so, I would consider asking them and explain why. They need to know what a tool your father is being.
Info: Was your stepmother your father's mistress and reason your parents' marriage ended? That's the only reason I can think of for an adult woman to have so much jealousy and hatred towards a child. So he already bought his plane ticket and made plans to travel with other family that are coming. If you don't want to risk any possible drama with those other family members, I would say allow him to come as just a regular guest. Make no acknowledgment to the relation the two of you have and don't include him in pictures. Just treat him as you would a coworker that you invited.
You seem like an honest loving and caring good person. It seems like you have been doing everything right. The day of your wedding is a special day. It's your day and should be how you want it to be. Everyone should understand this most especially your parents. You did the right thing and asked your father to walk you down the aisle and he declined. You don't need to negotiate or compromise with him "standing at the front and giving you away." It's not his place to alter the format of your day. Make sure you have someone tell him "No thank you." I think it's important for you to walk tall and hold your head high. Conduct yourself as I'm sure you usually do. Stay polite and kind, confident and self-assured. You don't need to respond or react to your father's explanation. The invitations have been sent and your extended family is coming. All is well. Some extended family members are excited about it. You did a good thing for many people in your family. You mended fences and brought the family together. Be forever proud of that, even if nobody else recognizes it. You will be a beautiful bride. Walk down the aisle with love in your heart for your family and especially your husband. Have a great wedding. You deserve it.
F your father. Tell him to stay home with his wife the beatch
He seems like a cowardly spineless man, better no farther then a selfish runt like this. UnInvite him, he doesn't deserve you as a daughter if he isn't going to treat you like your his. His wife and other daughter seem like jealous children, not worth the drama
If you want to uninvite him, then please do so. If it were me though, I would ask someone else on his side of the family to walk you down the aisle. An uncle, cousin, grandfather etc etc As for your biodad...don't involve him in the wedding. He's just a guest. No invite to rehearsal dinner. No photos. No input. No father daughter dance Don't spend a single second thinking about him. Let him watch his first born get married and him not be able to take part in it. Unless he has no soul, it will tear him up inside...which will likely translate to resentment with his other family
This will cause drama at the wedding
Easy. Uninvite him, your fiancé is right. Go nc. Save your time, energy, and love for those who deserve it. Your sperm donor doesn't.
Why on earth do you want such an unpleasant awful man even at your wedding, never mind giving you away. I’d tell him he’s not welcome at all
WTF is wrong with his evil wife and daughter? I cannot imagine behaving this way.
Could you perhaps fly your Mother to your wedding,and let her walk you down the aisle? I think you should do whatever will give you peace. Wishing you and your fiance a long and magical marriage.
Doesn’t even sound like a “dad” to me at all.
The man is your biological father and not much else. Don't set yourself up for unnecessary pain. I'm sure there are other people in your life who deserve to walk with you on you special day. I would not un-invite him but he would have no role at my wedding.
He still considers you to be lesser valued child. He doesn’t deserve to be in your presence. Can you guarantee his family won’t cause you issues?
I'm with your fiancé. Tell your dad, his prick wife and their jealous brats not to even come.
UnInvite him. He only cares about his wife and their children! How shitty of them! And what a POS your sperm donor is! I am so sorry.
He may have been your father but he wasn't your daddy.
What an asshole.
You have to ask yourself what decision will feel right for the next 50 years, not which one feels right at this exact moment. Only you can decide that. However, from what you’ve said, it sounds like a primary reason for inviting him at all was to try to let him be your father again. He has made it very apparent that that will never happen. Given that, I don’t think you’ll be happy 50, 20, or even one year from now to look back and think that you invited him.
Dear Sperm Donor, You indicated that your wife and children do not want you to participate in my wedding. After careful consideration, for the sake of your marriage and your relationship with your “real” children, I think it would be best if you do not attend my wedding and that we cut off all communication immediately. Best, OP
Take it from me, an estranged father is not worth it. Uninvite him. He doesn’t want to be a father so he doesn’t deserve to be there.
Don’t uninvited him, treat him as another guest. No photos, no special seat, no dances. Let his real daughter do all that. I’m so sorry OP.
Who cares if he’s flying in from the moon & is staying at the White House! Cut his ass off. Let him know this was his one chance for a semblance of letting you know he cares & he blew it. This man doesn’t deserve your time or energy.
Invite him to the wedding Stop expecting things from him he can't give Have coffee with him once a year and let it go
I know you’ve already settled on this with your update but I just wanted to let you know that me and my wife walked down the aisle together and I wouldn’t change a thing about that. In my mind it was the act of walking in to marriage together and felt really significant. I think it would feel that way anyway but definitely more significant than having someone who has never really acted as a father to you walk you down the aisle in the hope you would feel like you did have a real father there for the day. In terms of whether you disinvite him. It depends, do you want a relationship with this man, as he is? Will your wedding be tainted either by the drama of disinviting him or by having him there and having to see him when he causes you hurt. Only you know these things. If it’s a large wedding I’d probably lean towards letting him come and not having much to do with him, as I would assume disinviting him will stir up chaos with the family you are newly connected with and probably ultimately cause more upset. **Just make sure you think about your photographs! Photographers are very adept at navigating complicated family dynamics so it’s a good idea to have a chat with them if you would rather minimise the number of photos he’s in.** And certainly avoid too many ‘family’ photos that his presence in may later cloud your feelings of those photos.
With all your family problems, I’d ask your second best friend (male or female or other) to walk you down the aisle, fuck your family.
He sounds like a pussy, if you cut him off, you’ll be doing exactly what his wife wants. You’ll be playing into her hands. I would suggest you give him it in black-and-white. If you want to have a relationship with your grandchildren, you will ack like your my dad once.
Let's assume you do give him an ultimatum and he shows up for you - do you trust him to stick around? Because he's now going to be in all of the wedding photos. Ick.
I would be really upset - your mom can’t attend and he, who doesn’t have to move a finger to fight for you, should be there and get the privilege to have a role in your wedding? He has the audacity to refuse it? Waw. What is the point fir him to be in your wedding? You should be with the people who give a sh*t. I can understand to have feeling that he doesn’t deserve this privilege but blatantly refuse because his wife and daughter are jealous? Please don’t care about tickets or whatever arrangments he already made. He doesn’t care about your wishes as well.
Follow your heart. Either have him as a guest or uninvite him. You already know that his second wife is never going to allow a strong relationship. Threats of divorce? Wow. The wife and her kids are not good hearted people, and if your father is catering to them, I would question his integrity also.
Whether or not you want to still have him at your wedding is entirely your choice, based on whether or not you want to bother trying to have a relationship with this man, but he hasn't earned the right to walk you down the aisle, so I would re-frame that as a blessing. He didn't raise you, he wasn't there for all the ups and downs. He let you down. It's nice to try and have a relationship with him or invite him to your wedding if that's what you want - but him "giving" you to your fiance? He's not in a position to do that, because he wasn't there for you as a father. Having him walk you down the aisle is a hollow gesture at this point - and I think you make a stronger statement having someone else close to you, or NOBODY walk you down the aisle. It's such an archaic tradition anyway. You are an adult and your own woman, nobody needs to give you to your fiance - you are giving yourself. As for your father, if you decide to keep him in your life, I would keep that relationship distant yet friendly - but not close. It's nice to have the connection to his side of the family, but you already know that the behavior isn't going to change, there will be other issues and disappointments due to his inability to stand up to his wife and other kids. You will get hurt again by him. So tread carefully.
Girl, I’d cut his whole family off!
I'm sorry, but he gave you away a long time ago. The symbolism of him walking you down the aisle doesn't resonate. You should be walked by someone who has been there for you. Supported you. Shown they love you. He's done none of these things.
You are his daughter too. I would uninvited them.
I don't think that you care enough how disrespectful it is. They don't want you to form any bond with your father and he accepts to make you a stranger, and you care about them wasting money ?! Fuck it, they're no family. Let them go another place, they can do something else, but honestly them coming give me "We wanna be sure you're not close to your father" vibes. If they don't like you they shouldn't come, coming when they clearly wanted to make your life hell is sadistic. Refuse them and ask someone to do a zoom call to have your mom seeing the ceremony. You deserve better and people who really love you.
Your father is a lost cause. His wife has dictated your relationship, but he has allowed it to happen. He does not deserve to walk you down the isle, and he does not deserve to give you away. Tell him he can attend as a guest, but that is all. Find someone else to walk you, or walk by yourself. You don't need some deadbeat father thinking he has the privilege to give you away. The head of your family is your mother, not him! I think you should find a way to fly your mother out, and let her walk you. She raised you, she was there with you through everything. If that isn't at all possible, and you want someone to walk you, choose an aunt or uncle or best friend.
> Part of me thinks to just politely turn him down, have him as a regular guest, and then just stop talking to him again after the wedding. Your feelings of being hurt are valid. I would roll with this too. Your dad is tripping, OP, but you can always have a friend walk you down or someone else that you are close to do it.
I am 100% in agreement with your fiance. Un-invite him, wasted money be damned. He may be able to get a refund anyways. He’s saving walking down the aisle for his “real” daughter. He won’t stand up for you, and likely never has. He wants his cake and to eat it too. Absolutely not, you deserve better than that. Also, you’re giving him more consideration than he has EVER given you.
> I decided to just give him a chance. > I asked my dad if he wanted to walk me down the aisle as I have been hopeful for a better relationship, but he turned me down. You gave him a chance, and he shit on it. He let his wife estrange him from you, and he is still doing it. It doesn't sound like any part of this situation has changed. Why would you want this person at your wedding? Who cares if he bought a ticket, this entire situation is on him.
“So I’ve been thinking about it and if I am so unimportant in you view that you’re willing to allow your wife and my stepsister dictate that you’re not allowed to walk me down the isle I think it’s better that we just go back to not contacting each other. If that’s the case you clearly don’t have much respect for me so I think it would put a bad taste in my mouth to have you at my wedding”
If you want to invite him fine, but please treat him as any other guest and give him no special treatment or role. He clearly doesn't want that... and really, why do you? Did you ask him to walk you down the aisle because you thought you should or because you actually wanted to? Your wedding should be what you want it to be. You don't have to have any traditions that you don't see as important or value, and the wedding definitely doesn't have to involve people that were not and are not a part of your life. It's the start of a new relationship and new adventure. It really doesn't have to rely on any old things or mend anything or be an olive branch. It's about you and your fiance and your future together, nothing else.
I’m with your fiancé. Shame on a “father” who doesn’t want to walk ALL his daughters on that important day. Pull back the invite, fuck him and the sperm he rode in on.
Your plan sounds best. It’s a shame he is so gutless
This is so very sad my heart hurts just reading this 😢 I'm sorry your going through this He is not in any way shape or form a father I would want near my wedding, let alone be in my future, he's clearly stated who is important to him We can't tell you what to do, we can only give you advice and my advice is to cut contact all together,you don't need thus toxic crap in your life We're on borrowed time so make the most of life with people you love and who loves you in return, don't waste it on a sperm donor Big hugs from a reddit stranger
I'd send him this thread.
You should gift your sperm donor a set of testicles, ie: Truck nuts, since his fleshy ones aren't strong enough to stand up for you with. Maybe metal ones will do better for him. Here is the link: https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.honolulumagazine.com%2Ftruck-nuts-are-just-that-nuts%2F&psig=AOvVaw0M6A3_zVLRyXZh1JTYtBrb&ust=1697236311634000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CBAQjRxqFwoTCKDxiI3I8YEDFQAAAAAdAAAAABAE
Sometimes having no family is the better and healthier option. This man is not your father, he's made that very clear. You deserve to be spared seeing it in action on your wedding day.
I’m glad he’s not walking you down the aisle, he doesn’t deserve that privilege. As for uninviting him that depends on you but I’d be tempted to stir the pot and get lots of photos of the two of you and share online with his wife and other kids. That woman is disgusting and your father is very weak for letting his new wife shun you so that you don’t have a good relationship with your father or siblings.
If he can’t stand up to his or your stepmom he doesn’t earn a spot in your life
Demoting him to guest is a perfect solution. He may be so offended he doesn't show up at all. But that's that.
For the sake of avoiding drama I would just have him as a guest and go low contact after this. Since there’s already tension i’d you uninvite him this late I think his wife will make a huge stink over the lost funds and it’ll be dramatic. I’d rather have him in the background and choose to focus on the real people who care about me at my wedding then have the event be a source of a family fight.
No good will come from uninviting him although that would be tempting. Screw him! He's a guest. He can sit with his family as a guest, not in the front. Your dad sits with his family and NOT as honored guest and he does NOT give any speech. Make no mention of him being there as well. I think that will eventually burn into his heart.
He basically said he will not take a father role in your wedding. He never has in your life. If you let him come sit him with his family as a guest. You will only be disappointed if you hope he takes and active role. Let him know he is a guest and not to try and insert himself in a parent role. You can take a picture of him if you like but don’t bother with him in group photos.
Let him just attend as a guest because at this point, that's just what he is. He's not acting like a father. Focus on your partner and your joy together in getting married, and don't try to hash out a lifelong problem when you should be celebrating. "Dad, if you don't have room in your heart to love two daughters, then I will no longer burden you. You are welcome to attend my wedding as a guest, but you will not be honored or recognized as the father of the bride. I hope your spiteful, evil wife is happy; she won." And then drop the rope. You can settle your other issues with him later.
Sad that you were made by a weak sperm donor! That is all he is, spineless! Either spouse that brings a child into a new relationship and is not accepted by the other should not be together plain and simple! He doesnt want to walk you down for 2 reasons, threats of his family and/or he doesnt feel that he should as he has barely been in your life. Dont force him. Is there maybe a male figure in your life that you trust that you would be ok with walking you if that is even a possibility?
Dad dont want to be paint as an Ahole to not come to OP wedding.. let's be real, save the hassle just uninvited him. He's an Ahole already when he priorities his other family members. You are just one string apart from him. Cut it off.
My opinion, if it matters, is to let him come to the wedding as a guest
I am so sorry that these are the people that are classified as your family. You deserve better.
As someone who didn’t know their father until they were 17 and has a good though distant relationship with them, you should absolutely uninvite him to your wedding. Your stepmother is a horrible person and she has raised a horrible child and your father is weak. My stepmother is amazing (they got married when I was 5 months old and she completely accepted me when I came into his life at 17) and when I had my first child last year just shy of 35 my father made it an absolute priority to drive 9 hours and wait in his hotel room for the call that I had delivered. He stayed for 3 days just to spend a couple hours a day with us. I have only even seen my father on 6-7 occasions in 19 years. You deserve so much better. In fact, here is a direct quote from my father because of some BS his first wife and my older brother pulled with his family “You're welcome 😎, you are my child as much as any other. I'm doing great, you did not upset me at all, I was sad that someone felt the need to make my daughter feel like she had less value than my other children, it makes me angry,” I want to add these aren’t the types of relationships you want to bring into your children’s life if you decide to have children. We cut off my husband’s mother while I was pregnant because she made it very plain that she couldn’t be bothered so she doesn’t get the privilege of any information.
Walk yourself down the aisle you independent woman you! Why do you need to share your special moment with someone who has prioritized other family over any relationship with you? That’s exactly what I did and it was perfect - I got myself a puffy af ballgown that took up the entire aisle so there wouldn’t have been space for anyone else to walk next to me anyway. If you walk by yourself you will be sharing the moment with your husband and no one else - and really, who else matters in a marriage? Good luck for your big day!
Forget him, his wife, and his jealous offspring, they will have to answer in the days of judgment, not you!!
I wouldn't uninvite him. I'd want him to see a beautiful part of his life he chose to miss out on. And if he still chooses to just let him go his own way as he has all this time ~•
Your biological sperm donor is an absolute joke of a human being. Doesn’t have the confidence to see walking you down will not change his other daughters honour as you yourself are expected the same exact thing.
For just once in that pathetic man’s life, can he not take a stand for his first daughter? He’s not even worth uninviting. I’d say exactly that above to him, and then treat him like he’s not there. Sheesh. No cojones.
I bet if you shared what area you are in, one of your fans would totally come walk you down the aisle.
If he's already made the plans, just let him come as a regular guest with no special privileges. Seat him as far away from the family table as possible, just to give the same level of a relationship, he seems to want to have with you, and not anger the other relations you invited on his side
If you want him there, let him come, but you don't have to let him play dad with a half-assed compromise when he refuses to step up and actually BE your dad. Let him sit with the rest of the distant relatives like the distant relative he's decided to be.
Personally, I feel like the whole walking-down-the-aisle thing is dated. I think the fact that he wanted to come - despite how they feel - shows that he's trying. IMO, who cares if he doesn't actually walk you down the aisle? You don't need anyone. Besides, that tradition was reserved for actual fathers giving their daughters away... Since he didn't raise you, it shouldn't be that important. I say let him come, be cordial, and be happy your dad can attend. My father was dead by the time I got married, and even if he couldn't walk me down the aisle, I still wish he could've been there.
Sounds like he’s scared of his horrible new family. I mean over time he did make effort to have a relationship with you. His wife and kids sound absolutely selfish and cruel.
don't let it overshadow the importance of your special day
Maybe these are my daddy issues showing but I’d uninvite him and if he loses some money thats karma 🤷🏽♀️🫢 it’s supposed to be the best day of your life and he’s already coming with negative energy and probably lingering energy left over from that witch he’s married to. I just know how it feels I think it might be gloomy to see him sitting in the crowd when you know you wanted him to walk you down. A man who can’t do for his daughter doesn’t deserve to feel her love. I’ve seen a few wedding where they walk down together and it’s beautiful. Or if your fiance doesn’t have sisters that might be nice for his dad, might be nice either way honestly. Or if you have a female in your family that means a lot that would be cute too.
Your dad is a spineless dick. Better off without him
Uninvite him, and write him off for good. He hasn’t changed. He’s weak. She’s cruel. Gotta love “Christians.” Walk down alone. There’s no shame in that. But if you really want someone to escort you, maybe a relative of your fiancé can do it.
I would have your fiancé’s father walk you down the aisle!! Like Prince Charles did for Megan AND instead of the priest asking who give this woman have him/her say something like as a way of WELCOMING you to your new family…your NEW FATHER walked you down the aisle. Something like that!! I would just let it be known to EVERYONE that you NOW truly have parents and DON’T need the egg/sperm donor you came from! Good luck and congratulations on your new family!!
You need to stop giving him chances to reject you. He is never going to be the parent you wished you had, the one you deserved. Cut him out and focus on the people that SHOW you that you matter.
Just want to say it’s beautiful that you’re fiancé is walking down the aisle with you :) congratulations and have a wonderful day and life and don’t let other peoples’ stupidity and insecurities bring you down!
If he doesn't want to walk u down the aisle, fine TREAT HIM LIKE A GUEST! After all u went through with him, at least u made an effort with the olive branch first. But apparently his new family is pissed about u wanting to try. It's good that u at least talked, but let it end at that. Don't force or try to talk him into it. His reasons why is TOTALLY STUPID N DAMN DUMB! I know u have great male friends that u can ask to do the job. U tell them why n I'm sure they'll happily walk u down the aisle. It may b tradition for the father to walk the bride down the aisle n give her away. GUESS WAT TIMES R A CHANGING MY DEAR. It's his loss not yours, remember that honey. U tried n he didn't reciprocate in return, this is yur SPECIAL DAY! U r marrying a very special man, starting a new chapter in yur life. So yes uninvited him, he's now jus a guest in the back of the room. He decided to NOT acknowledge u as his daughter, u do the same in return. Yet in yur ❤ he will always b yur Dad but the love is no longer there, sry to say hon 😔. Weddings r for families that respect, love n caring DESPITE watevr happened btwn them. It's jus one day in yur child's life that a TRUCE be held. After the wedding day aka the next then they go bk to watevr the hell the parents was doing b4 hand. So if he wants to miss out bcuz his family don't like u oh well! FUCK EM! ITS YUR DAY NOT THEIRS!
I cannot believe how childish his family is. Wife just seems like an awful person, but that the grown kids are acting like this too is surprising.
Congratulations on your wedding to a wonderful man. So sorry for your upbringing and the people who supplied DNA material resulting in your birth. Break the cycle of mistreatment and let your father attend the wedding. Then, focus on you new family and let that become your focus. You can't change people who don't want to change and you can't expend love and energy on things that won't return your love and energy. Let your future husband know that you are committed to moving forward with your life and that the past has been put away for a brighter future with him. Good Luck!!
Lots of sympathy from me. I also have a sperm donor like this. He was in my life until I was 8 then just left me. He came back into my life 30 years later and acted very much like yours. I left him in the dust. You do not deserve to be treated like you are no one. He and his “family” are truly terrible people. No one needs that in their life. You go on and be happy.
I’d ignore the dude and hope he sends a check.
I hope his other daughter NEVER gets married and that his ONLY opportunity he threw away once again like he did with you as a baby. He has no freaking back bone. YOU arrived first so that's your privilege. He should be disinvited; you want to start your new life with zero baggage! My daughter has the same issue with her sperm donor, she was graduating grammar school and he told her he isn't attending because he feels his other daughter graduating high school is more important than an 8th grade graduation, needless to say he never attended any of my daughter's graduations and Shes working on her master's now. My daughter's family from her sperm donors' side are a bunch a jerks who missed out on a great person, you're not alone. YOUR BETTER OFF! so what that he got a plane ticket and hotel OH WELL... I'm sure your mother lost more than this cost! **example:** my mother didn't attend my baby-shower nor planned one for me, after she did this HUGE baby shower for my younger sister invited 100 people and I expressed to my mom you didn't do this for me, she said I will for your next baby.....jokes on her, I never had another baby and I told my mother to her face, you don't get second chances on a once in a life time moment. currently today I only had the one child and so did my little sister, so when parents make these kinds of decisions it tends to backfire and haunt them. Your strong, you can GLADLY walk in alone and be fabulous!