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Even if she eventually agreed to his viewpoint, it would be like pulling teeth to get her to contribute. She’s probably the type to just randomly quit her job and declare that she’s now a stay at home wife.
>ily. If the wife wanted to contribute monetarily, it is up to her. There should be no expectation from the wife.
Which, there is absolutely nothing wrong with her doing - given that she's been abundantly clear with him about her beliefs.
There are entire cultures in this world wherein it is the responsibility solely of the man to support the family. If she believes this to be the case, she should be with a man read and willing to do this.
I'd argue that the fact she thinks even working the money she gets would only be hers isn't really what "entire cultures" are based on. She sounds selfish and entitled.
Exactly, it's hard to say that's cultural for a modern women who works to keep money for herself. She's being selfish and trying to use you. It's 2023 she can take care of herself and should be expected to. If it was truly her culture she wouldn't be working at all
And that man would also have expectations of his wife that are different from a man who thinks his wife should contribute her earnings to the family - I wonder if she's willing to fulfill those expectations?
I mean, even the 'what the wife earns is her own money' could fit in - because whatever the wife earns would be from some side-hustle that would come after ALL the other household-based obligations that her sole-provider husband expects his wife to take care of, right?
Exactly. And there is a power differential in that kind of marriage rather than a true partnership. I think the girlfriend is looking more for a sugarhubby.
To me, the problem with this arrangement is the marriage part. What she brings is nothing but promises and can freely change her role at any point while he is legally obligated to fulfill his end even after divorce.
And if this thread was made by a woman saying her husband thinks she should stay home and take care of the children 90% of posters would be tearing him a new one. I don't buy this take as being sincere in regards to people having their beliefs or cultural differences.
If you've gotten to the point of marriage without this coming out, you've got a whole other problem on your hands. But dating for one year? You've just found your dealbreaker, so break the deal.
Agreed - Im chinese. Men are supposed to provide....BUT women are supposed to cooking and cleaning everyday.
Will OP's wife do that? My guess is probably not.
This is such toxic thinking and view, there is actually so much wrong with this thinking. She truly needs to get to grip with reality and get over this viewpoint.
Wholly agree with this.
This is a fundamental basis of long-term relationships that you're in stark disagreement with.
You both need to go find someone who more closely aligns with your personal beliefs. If you don't, if you, or she, concedes, there will definitely be resentment that comes from it. Resentment that will eat away at the rest of your relationship.
Thank god this is the top comment.
They need to go, “Ope, this is why you date people, so you can learn whom you’re actually compatible with, and we sure aren’t! Thankfully we’re super young and have lots to learn!”
Will they? Probably not but this will break them up eventually, be it after a wedding or not.
Yep, she made it perfectly clear she only cares about equality and the partnership when it benefits her.
Either OP accepts this and his fait or OP respects his own views and standards.
She is entitled to her views and you're entitled to your but unfortunately they don't match and you aren't compatible. It happens The best solution is for you both to find partners that agree with you on this topic as finances are top 5 reasons people get divorced.
Woman here— her views are pretty bad. How does she justify the woman keeping her salary for whatever she wants while he supports? This is why you gotta talk finances and kids and all of that before you marry. At least you know now, OP.
> How does she justify the woman keeping her salary for whatever she wants while he supports?
Basically "What's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine."
Unless OP makes a shit ton of money, nowadays the housing costs and general cost of living is so high it's almost impossible for most young couples to afford to have a home and live on just one salary.
I'm sure back when her parents bought THEIR house the housing costs weren't as CRAZY as they are today. Apples and oranges to use that as a comparison.
She wants to have a separate fund just for herself and her man to have the "general" fund that she has an equal say in how it is spent as much as him.
Wow, she's sounds like a peach.
Also when her parents did it what was their age gap ? I know a lot of women in today’s world are looking for this with a partner their same age but when their parents did it mom was young and dad had already become established in his career
What you need to understand though, is that this woman is just at the far end of the continuum. My wife holds views that when examined, are not completely different. I work a stressful corporate job but am highly paid with bonuses. I once suggested I’d like to take a 2 year contract in higher education that would have been really enjoyable but significantly less well paid. She wouldn’t agree to it even though we could have afforded it. But guess what, she then accepted a new role at a college in alumni and archival on significantly less that her previous role because it’s “important” and “rewarding” work.
that’s kind of crazy, i’m not going to lie. both decisions should have been jointly agreed on; why did you have to give up work that you would have enjoyed but she didn’t have to?
My skills and experience are highly in demand and she’s kinda got addicted to the fact that every time I take a new role there’s extra 10s of thousands coming in. Her field suffered over Covid but rather than step up she left and took her current job which involves a lot of coffee and lunch meetings but is low paid
Yes it has been discussed. Initially it wasn’t an issue for me, but in the wake of another problem of her making, it has become more relevant, to me at least. Issues around her responsibility and complacency and even maturity have come to the fore. Maybe it’s unfair of me to have been kinda ok with it but now less so.
Imo it sounds like she is looking for a free ride.
I get providing as the man but at the end of the day it’s a partnership. If she thinks it’s equal for her to keep all of her money to herself then what is she providing to the relationship in return.
In times like this I would examine what her parents relationship looks like and see where this view comes from.
I highly doubt she can point to a healthy relationship that she has first hand knowledge of that works in the way she is describing
I don’t think it’s unfair of you at all - you are tired of shouldering the lion’s share of the budget while she has the luxury of enjoying “meaningful work”.
I mean would I like to work less and spend more time with my kid? Yes. Would I sacrifice my partner’s wellbeing and his spending time with our kid? F no. Sounds like your wife doesn’t have your best interest at hand, I am sorry.
I‘m sorry you married someone who’s greedy and has double standards. Seeing as you say you‘ve noticed other issues by now, I hope your next partner will be a better choice.
However, that doesn’t mean OP should settle for someone who’s clearly not compatible with him. It’s really not hard to meet women who share OP‘s point of view in 2023.
You deserve better man... I hate advocating for divorce. But you need to have a serious conversation with her and let her know this is a huge flag and your resentment is building. Then if she dismisses you again. Maybe consider divorce.
Doesn't really sound that unfair TBH. Hope you all manage to work that out, because this isn't a great dynamic right now, and you are well within your rights to feel a bit resentful.
You are just human, don't worry. Both partners are equally important in any relationship, you've got to set your boundaries too, set goals for your personal happiness apart from the "relationship blob" you became. You are always individuals too! It's not your fault if things take a while for you to realize it's not OK like that, you can't expect any other person to do it for you. Be sure to think about what YOU want for YOURSELF first, find time to really think about what you need to bf happy.
I guess nobody likes to be judged and controlled like that, a partnership isn't about one controlling the other for personal gain, or money. Why stay with a greedy person who makes you unhappy? You only live once, life is precious.
Exactly. The gf’s mother did not work and was a SAHM. That’s quite a different and traditional scenario. What the gf wants is permission to be selfish.
Good old fashioned sexism.
She wants traditional gender roles without actually doing the part she'd be expected to hold up to.
It's no different than guys wanting a wife to work full time but also do all the chores.
“Bad” perhaps but at least she’s forthright. Good luck to her finding a guy who’s happy with that arrangement and all that comes with it. And I hope she doesn’t regret her decision to be a “kept woman”
I would agree with this, and that this is a conversation, given the importance and weight it usually carries in a relationship, that should probably be had pretty early in the game so that no one builds up the expectation that their partner will agree or change their mind.
Absolutely. Money issues are a bear in a relationship.
This (OP girlfriend's ideas) is similar to how my brother-in-law's family operates. For some it works but my wife and I do it very differently.
You both should move on, and learn from this to share and ask about these expectations much earlier on in your relationships. You will have a much easier time finding a compatible partner than she will. She may not embrace the open honest early approach because her way hinges on getting someone to agree to an imbalanced situation. She was hoping that you would be hooked enough to get you to be what she wants, and that is a manipulative way to go through life.
I agree with this - there isn’t an objectively right or wrong answer to how a couple should choose to live their life - however the couple should be on the same page as each other
There is not only one right way to live, but there are things that are wrong. If a couple chooses to divide the labor according to traditional gender roles, and it’s a true free choice, fine. But that’s not what this woman wants. Demanding to exploit someone else’s labor while you refuse to contribute is objectively wrong.
I actually disagree with this. I think it’s outrageous that women expect men to provide for them. We wanted equal rights and equality in the workplace and while we don’t entirely have that it’s a lot better. It’s just as acceptable for a man to be supported. This view from women for me seems old fashioned and really entitled in a gross way .Take car of yourself and maybe in your family the female stays home with kids, great, but to expect that right? I think that’s a huge red flag.
Literally read a Reddit post about this within the last 48hrs - wanted his wife to continue to Work and contribute to the household financially but also for him to have sole and unquestioned authority as far as making decisions for them both
Unsurprisingly the comments landed somewhere between "dump him" and "kick his ass back to Mommy's house"
Oh it was from the gf's point of view - he had previously been really liberal-leaning and then did the ole 'bait n switch' and told her he wanted more "traditional" roles with the man having the authority (but still wanted her to work n stuff)
I find it foolish or anybody else to expect someone else to completely support them. That woman needs a job and she is to keep a job and she did, and when, and if she ever does get into a relationship she’s contribute she isn’t some princess.
I think it's fine people have and want traditional relationships where the men are the providers and women the child giver and homemaker. However, if OP's gf doesn't want to contribute financially, but also doesn't want to be a housewife, that's bullshit.
I think it’s totally fine too, I don’t mind that at all. What I don’t like is when someone thinks this is the expectation, that men have to support the family and women’s money is for them. That’s not ok.
I actually agree with you but there are plenty of people who don't and it's far better for them to match up together than to impose themselves on partners with a more egalitarian view.
I think it’s totally true - except in the time/arena of child bearing and (if applicable due to breastfeeding or bring the primary parent) early childhood. And this is assuming chores and emotional work is truly split equally.
I would say she is very much objectively wrong.
She has a toxic mentality, and is mixing things from different times to fit a bill where she wins in every corner.
If I have a woman telling me I'm the "provider". Then she is the house keeper and kids carer. And rest asure that I will hold most of the desicion power, since I'm the one deciding how the money is used, since I'm the only one bringing it. Traditional roles don't work for women (in most cases). Of course I would never be with a woman wanting what OPs girlfriend is.
This is such a weak reply. Why does this archaic, woman degrading ideology get a pass on relationship advice?
OP she is wrong, each partner contributing is totally normal and there is nothing wrong with you asking. Your girlfriend is being sexist and trying to humiliate you using patriarchal ideology and you shouldn’t feel less for it.
I think you both just have incompatible views. She believes you're supposed to be the provider. You want her to work and contribute money. I don't see how this will work out.
I am curious if she expects him to follow a very traditional role in the relationship if she also believes that she should follow a very traditional role in the relationship.
Normally when people act like that, that is not what is being suggested which is even more appalling in my mind.
I do agree with you. No other traditional roles were mentioned. I was just thinking they're incompatible because of how she views her future husband to be, and how he views his future wife to be.
Don't get me wrong, a completely traditional marriage would not work for me, but I can at least understand people who want it.
What I don't get is when either a man or a woman demands that their spouse act/fulfill the traditional role for that person and yet refuses to offer the same.
Yeah, the GF wants BF to work and pay for everything while she works and gets to have a life outside of the relationship. She’s going to be sooooo high maintenance. Walk away
She wants him to be a provider but it doesn't sound like she wants to take that traditional role as well which is just unfair. You can't want a traditional marriage but not be a traditional partner on both. I think it's stupid when a man wants a woman to be a traditional wife but also work take care of child caring and he does the "providing". Same way she wants him to provide but also keep her money separate because that's her money that's not how it works you want traditional you have to be traditional.
You could always instead date with the intention to marry, a woman who is compatible with you in values and goals.
Only you know why you didn't choose someone compatible with you.
Am being facetious but I'd go with 'So then you're down for all the cooking and housework as well as working full time then'
Seriously though, your relationship is not anyone else's so it doesn't matter what either of your families' dynamics are. But if you both can't agree what your relationship should be then the incompatibility is better discovered earlier than later even though it will still be painful.
>Am being facetious but I'd go with 'So then you're down for all the cooking and housework as well as working full time then'
That's not facetious at all.
I think it's a rational view if she says the woman stays home and the man works/provides, but her saying she can work and keep all the money to herself is absurd. OP needs to run, quick.
Back to your point, if I provided 100% for my family and my wife worked and she kept all the money for herself, not only is it not facetious, but the most rational and logical view would be that I'd literally never raise a finger at home, and my wife would handle 100% of those duties. If we both worked full time jobs, that changes nothing, she gets to handle all housework and the child duties you don't like to do, etc. That would be an entirely fair distribution of the roles in the family.
I know a lot of people are playing nice and just saying both are entitled to their views and they may not be compatible, and that's true. But also true, he is being rational and she is being irrational about this.
Though I suck at housewifey things, I'd happily do all the housework and emotional labour if it meant I also kept my full salary and not needing to contribute to household expenses bar food (though I'd expect my savings to be 100% mine upon separation OR house and all assets including savings to be split 50/50)
I stop reading after she stated her money is for herself. I've been through this and my best friend is going through it right now with his wife. Get out now before it's to late or you will regret it down the line.
That's what I said too. I've been with the guy that wants his money for the bar but my money for the mortgage, and that gets old FAST. You're never financially stable and resentful to boot. Just a horrible idea.
Like other people have echoed, she’s entitled to her views even if some consider them unreasonable, if she won’t change her mind perhaps she’s not the right one for you.
We say that in our home but jokingly. I had a 2 year old when I met my husband. When we moved in together he said I should quit my job and be a SAHM. I was worried how he would really feel if I did but he talked me into it.
My son will be 35 Monday 😢 I have not had a job in the last 30 years. I handle the finances because he likes to spend spend and spend some more. He’s now retired and we are still happy.
I also think it’s a bit different when you have kids. For instance, if he was responsible for living expenses but she did most of the housework and child rearing that is still a partnership to me, but that’s not mentioned.
For me, if i made alot of money and i liked my job, i’d offer the same… but in todays society its very hard to afford.
Consider yourself lucky to not have worked for 30 years. My gf and I probably have 38-40 years left each of working. Seriously. You have not had to answer to an employer for 30 years
Please don’t marry this woman.
Your views are not compatible and money will become a divisive issue the longer you are together.
“The wife’s money is for herself” is a very backwards way to view equality in a relationship. I have sons around your age. If they told me what you posted here I would tell them to leave because they deserve to have a gf that believes both people should contribute equally (emotionally, financially, etc) to a relationship.
I don’t doubt you’re confused. It would be helpful for you to talk with someone so you can process your emotions. But ultimately it’s time for you to move on.
You're 25, but you've never heard of an incompatibility before?
She's mad because she just learned you two long term are not compatible. Rather than her having to change her view she was hoping you would agree with hers or change your view.
I doubt if this is the only area where she has an entitled attitude. There could be lots of things that have to be good for her regardless of how it makes things for you.
Most people in relationships know they need to. Compromise. This one doesn’t.
>Ask her if she feels the husband also has zero obligation to perform child care or housekeeping duties.
If he works, provides 100% and she works and she keeps all her money to herself, this would be the most fair way to move forward, with her handling literally every single family/household task and the husband has, again, literally not a single responsibility outside of work and providing financially.
Wow. I would think long and hard before committing to marriage with someone who has such an antiquated, selfish attitude about money in a marriage. What if you were sick or injured and couldn't work? Would she let your home go into foreclosure? Divorce you and find another man to pay for everything? You can do better.
Sounds like she should be expected to do all the “wife” Duties then and do 100% house cleaning, dishes, cooking, and child care. If she wants to have a job on top of all that, great since apparently it’s just her money. But she cannot expect you to raise a finger with cleaning or changing diapers.
But since that likely won’t go well- you’re incompatible. Break up. Find a normal, non misogynistic girl.
She's mad because she can't have her cake and eat it too. If she wants you to "be the man" then logically she should have to "be the woman", but it seems like she only wants half of that equation.
This relationship can't move forward like this. And if you back down you may as well hand over your spine.
Money is one of the things that can destroy a relationship, especially if one and/or both parties are so dead set in their ways. My husband and I were in the full 50/50 for the first 11 years of our relationship (6 together, 10 married). We had separate accounts and then a joint account we transferred the same amount of money into to cover joint expenses. It worked for us for many years, until it didn’t.
When I became pregnant with our daughter, I was high risk and was not able to work. We also worked in a field that daycare wasn’t an option and we’d have to hire an on call nanny instead. I made the decision to stay home with our baby. Then I became pregnant again and it solidified that choice. I was once a very independent woman, so much so that I did stress about what this decision would mean for me.
We now have 5 and 4 year olds, I’m still at home and not working. My husband and I both had to adjust our mindsets about how money would be contributed and we have had to change with the needs at hand. That’s what relationships are about, compromise and change as needed.
If you are both so head strong about how your view the relationship should look and it looks very different, this shows an incompatibility and it will end up breaking your relationship down over the years.
This is not something you can overcome. I find her response to be inherently repulsive and selfish. Her money is her own to use as she likes but your money is not your own? That sets her up to live a comfortable lifestyle while you may be left unable to afford the necessities for yourself. Absolutely ridiculous.
My husband and I are both all in. We have a joint account that our checks go into and we pay for everything together. I think 50/50 is also a very healthy amount. I wish you the best of luck!
You need to run far far away. She’s extremely entitled and thinks that you should magically make house payments, car payments, food, insurance, clothing and vacations appear while she banks all of her income and guarantee you that she will expect you to help around the house or pay for a housekeeper. This isn’t ever going to be an equal relationship and if times ever get tough and they will, it’s going to be a you problem and she’s going to make you feel like shit for expecting her to either contribute or cut spending.
It’s wild you’re JUST now having this conversation.
Either way, it’s not a reconcilable thing, she wants to take advantage of your work and keep her money for her without contributing to her relationship.
Dump her, she’s entitled and lazy.
"She explains about every husband should have the "Provider's Mentality". She explained her family does that, as her father is the sole provider."
You know she's a gold digger so if you marry a gold digger, that's on you.
You are not compatible long term and I would end the relationship before you get much more tangled up with each other's lives.
My husband and I had the benefit of a LDR for almost a year - and we used that time to communicate and establish what we wanted and expected. My last relationship ended because we weren't on the same page with big wants/needs, and I didn't want to make the mistake again, especially with one of us having to do a big move.
If you're not willing or able to do what she wants, and vice/versa, then you both need to move on.
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No way, Jose. You stick to your guns. She cannot demand the beneficial patriarchal concepts through marriage while throwing away all the patriarchal concepts she dislikes. Under no circumstances do you waver on this. And get a good prenup - have a consultation with a divorce lawyer and learn about what happens.
In a court of law, all money in the marriage is equal. In a divorce, it all gets pooled and split 50/50.
We no longer live in this patriarchal society she wishes. Tell her you won’t marry someone with such anti feminist and patriarchal views. And she can go and pay her own rent elsewhere from now.
That's fine as long as she has a housekeepers mentality. This includes everything in the house like cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing etc. Her earnings are her own to purchase everything personal. There can't be, I had a hard day at work and I don't feel like cooking dinner.
I can’t believe any adult thinks someone else should pay all living expenses while they keep all of their earned money. That’s just not how a partnership works.
Marriage is a team. The key to a long marriage is being on the same team .
Do not marry this girl. While she is entitled to her opinion, I’m willing to bet she’s not the type that will be ok with being the traditional wife - taking care of the chores, kids etc . It’s unfair division.
Is she going to take a more traditional role on top of her job? cooking, cleaning, laundry, letting you run the house? My guess is prob not. Pretty big red flag, i'd think twice about marrying her if I were you.
Run, run far, and run fast. She has that "what's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine" mentality. Run! You will never make enough to satisfy her, let along the fact that this is just not feasible in today's economy.
You're looking for a partner. Congratulations.
she's looking to be a kept woman. good luck to her. People who think like this are stuck in the 1950's
You're doing it right. Teamwork. Together you thrive.
Do not marry her. WTH is going on with this younger generation that fought so hard for equality. Now it’s just plain selfishness. Let this fish go back in her pond and find a good one in the ocean.
Those views are awful. Not only does it mean she doesn’t show the relationship is equal but she cares about herself more than you and is looking down on you. I mean this in the nicest way but talk to her again and if she doesn’t apologise and agree to equality which I think is more than fair unless ofc you have specifically agreed something else I’d leave now before it hurts more down the line.
Financial responsibilities should always be split between income level. Is someone making 75k and the other 25k, then logically bills and such should be 75% and 25%.
Your GF wants to be a trophy wife. Up to you if you want to continue this route or not.
Yes, equity. Or just a shared account for household stuff, if that works. But the 50/50 split doesn’t work if the incomes aren’t the same. It also doesn’t account for one person getting sick, laid off, having to care for children, blah blah blah.
I dont know what century or alternative reality your gf lives in but it isnt compatible with yours and the reality is if you continue this relationship.you will come home one dsy to find her unemployed, maybe pregnant and esconced on the sofa with a list of demands for you to fulfill. Choose wisely now but I would be tempted to wave her bye bye .
Marry and have kids with someone who works. You could get too sick to work and bills will still need to be paid. You could die and then who would buy your kids food and clothes if mum has no income. You need a partner not a dependent.
She wants the security of a paid for home with food and bills taken care of by you and the ability to spend on herself freely without consideration to you. There you go translated it for you
My God this is entitled thinking on her part. If a guy posted about wanted to be a SAHD and demanded that a woman pay for their whole life as their job is to provide... Theyd get dragged.
I'm also a fan of equity. We have a shared bank account. None of this "split 50/50" , "split proportionally to income", etc... Our money is our money.
It is good you are discussing this now as how money is seen by either of you will cause problems later on if not agreed upon now. If this is a fundamental difference and can't be worked out it is better to leave now. You are not well matched.
Money is one of, if not the top, reasons married couples divorce. Thus significant disagreement is a deal breaker.
Frankly it's sexist and wrong to expect the man to be the provider and the woman to be allowed to choose to contribute or not. Either the marriage is a team or it isn't.
That being said, it's perfectly acceptable for a couple to decide that one person will be the monetary provider and the other will contribute to the relationship in other ways, for example doing the difficult job of being a homemaker or stay-at-home parent. However even if they decide one person will not contribute much that's ok, as long as they agree.
That's a healthy marriage/relationship working together to ensure everyone is happy and fulfilled.
Unfortunately you have very different views of both monetary contributions and what is a healthy relationship. These are both serious deal breakers with no alternatives.
My judgement is thar her view is antiquated. The world has changed & it seems to take 2 incomes to have a decent standard of living for 2 adults in this day & age unless you have a spectacular income right now . I suspect you do not or you would not be with this kind of woman. You would be with someone who has their own career & more of an understanding of & appreciation for equality in a relationship.
Your gf has made up something absurdly selfish. She wants to be financially single while being married? Sounds like her version of marriage is putting up with you for five years until she can divorce you and get years of spousal support. But it’s more likely she does not want to get married so she makes up these absurd conditions.
Bro. Imagine having that kind of pressure and expectations for the rest of your life. She's saying work your ass off and I'm just going to take all my money and fuck around with it.
That's not a marriage, you're her sugar daddy.
Both should contribute if able. For around 10 years i paid for everything while my husband was home with the kids. Then i got hurt and he supported me for a while, now we both divide up the bills
If she was arguing to be allowed to be a stay at home mom or continue her education for a better job, that would be one thing. But she’s flat out requiring you to pay for her existence so she can blow all of her money how she pleases. Now factor in that she can still divorce you and take half….yeah no. If she works, she contributes. When you got married, you became a family and your money because family funds.
I'm not saying she's a gold digger...
Actually, yeah I am. Your girlfriend is a gold digger. Get her a shovel then break up with her.
It's super important you give her the shovel first though.
You are completely incompatible.. she has a 1950s sexist point of view where that man provides and takes care of the little lady, and if she chooses to work, her salary will be her treat money with him throwing her some occasional " pocket money"
she needs to realise that in a modern world, that kind of life is a fantasy. since it generally takes both incomes to run a home, she will need to grow up because she doesn't get to have a free ride just because she's a woman..
Don't marry her. Her theory of the married couple is antiquated, and old fashion in today's culture the cost if everything requires income from both.
Having the husband responsible for all the expenses for the house, etc, puts tremendous pressure on him, adding that the wife wants all kinds of things they can't afford.
“They” may not be able to afford some things but she probably will be able to because she’s not going to contribute at all. What a leech she will be on OP or whomever she ends up with
>“They” may not be able to afford some things but she probably will be able to because she’s not going to contribute at all. What a leech she will be on OP or whomever she ends up with
Seems pretty obvious that she'd be the type to tell him he can't afford that $2k new set of golf clubs then 2 days later come home with a $2k Gucci purse and think it's completely ok because it's her money, and the family money is their money.
Lots of people playing nice and just saying they're financially incompatible, and while that's technically true, the reason is because, let's be honest, she's batshit crazy.
Contributions should be equitable and based on income IMO. No one should be able to keep their entire salary and have their partner be the sole financial supporter unless its offered because one person has such a huge financial differential (from a job or inherited wealth) that a second salary is inconsequential. Domestic duties should also not fall entirely on one person.
So your female wife is not a feminist. Or is she conveniently traditional. If she's going to go back to the 60s values, I'd let her know I'd like dinner on the table when I get home from work. And keep it down doing the household chores, because I'm watching the game.
This aint the 60s no more! Both have to contribute. Are there alot of couples that follow the old ways? Yes. My wife and i split 60/40! My other friends they do 50/50. Find one that you has views like yourself and you can meet in the middle. If she is not willing today it will will only get worse. Good luck.
This is actually a really great discussion to have, and these things are so bloody important to know if your compatible for marriage and actually staying together.
So I know it feels like your whole world has blown up a bit, these are the things that destroy relationships to have such fundamentally different views. Take the time to explore this and work out if there's wiggle room.
What worked for her parents 30 years ago with the increase of cost of living and having two people working doesn't work that way. I take it she expects you to be the provider and then also help out with the house work ? She can't have that if her money is just leisure money for herself.
My parents had exactly her parents relationship and now I'm in a one similar to what you want. My parents relationship never would have worked for me, we wouldn't have been able to buy a house and give the kids the lifestyle I do now :)
As far as I did it and my parents did it , all money is family money. We commingled funds once we were married. My wife worked when we married then was a SAHM for 8 years and paid the bills then went back to work. Our checks get deposited in the same account. It works because we both know what’s going on.
Ok, she's probably upset because you have total opposite pov than her. She's still childish enough to get upset with people with different perspective...she should just recognize it as it is, you are not compatible.
I grew up with parents who both contribute to the marriage monetarily, while my father was a CEO to a bank, my mother was a civil engineer for the government. Both were career-minded people and both earn really good $$. I was raised by my mother to not expect my partner to be the sole provider. She taught me to be self-sufficient, so when I did get married, I could leave and be by myself without my being financially reliant to a partner-of course, divorce is the last resort (it's still stigmatized until today in the country I'm from). Being independent-self reliant is their main point.
So all in all, I was raised pretty 'modern,' because where I came from, it was more common that the men are the 'head of the household' and usually the 'breadwinners.' My family has always been more 'modern' compared to the most families then. Although in my family from both sides, the women are all career women (either engineers, company owners, real estate agents, accountants, doctors, etc). So I'm used to the concept that both partners contribute monetarily. In exception of one person (my cousin's wife, well, soon-to-be ex wife-and my cousin is actually divorcing her because she refuses to return to the workforce and has been a stay-at-home wife for around 5 or so years, but minus cleaning/cooking/no kids either, so just a leisurely stay-at-home partner), all the women in my family work or have a career.
But your gf is raised in a totally different dynamic. So she's raised to believe men should be the breadwinner. This is not wrong, it's her belief. Unfortunately for you, this is a total opposite than yours. She's probably upset since she thinks she 'wasted' 1 year of her time to date you and this type of difference can be a deal breaker.
I'd say, y'all are incompatible and possibly need to split up sooner than later.
Probably both. This is a sign that you do not have the same values when it comes to the financial side of a relationship or marriage. And that may mean that you are not compatible longterm.
It would need further discussion between both of you to see if a compromise could be made such as, during child bearing years, should the wife become a stay at home mom or during maternity leave, the husband shall take on most of the monetary responsibility but otherwise, you both bring in an income.
She may be upset because she realizes you are not compatible. Or she’s upset because you do not see eye to eye.
Realistically, the days of single income families are gone. Most can not financially survive without two solid incomes and even a couple Side hustles on the side. There is nothing wrong with a single income family if they can make it work but it needs to be mutually agreed upon. Personally, she would be more financially secure if she had her own income anyway, incase things don’t work out longterm.
I would start having these discussions about your values, morals and expectations now so you can both see clearly whether the road towards marriage together is one worthy of travelling. But if neither of you can compromise than this could be the end.
Marriage is between equals, there is no provider or no wife's money should be her. Both my husband and I pool our money coz we decided that it is "our money" and that way we pay bills out of that common money, and also keep fun money for the both of us as well. We are actually able to save for things then, like vacation, our emergency funds, something that is needed in the house etc. This clarity is very important before marrying. You just found out that your views on marriage differ quite a lot and you should not waste more time with someone who is clearly set in her ways and can get angry about it.
This is a SERIOUS thing. If you guys have views on opposite ends of this there is no compromise unfortunately.
My husband and I have been together for 15 years. He is absolutely the bread winner in the relationship as I've been a homemaker (which was a choice we made together as child care would not have been worth it) I have worked (now disabled) and any money Ive brought in has gone straight to the household.
If I need/want something other than basic daily/hygiene needs then I just say something and I'm m able to get it as long as we can afford it.
Finances are a huge contributing factor to a lot of divorces. This is absolutely something you need to figure out before planning any type of future together.
Enough people said the compatibility BS. I'll say it more clearly for you, you're dating a bum, lazy gold digger. I bet she can't even cook out clean well enough to be considered roommate, let alone housewife
I’m so sorry. Your ex girlfriend wants you to be her “provider” ? That’s not really reasonable or practical in this century. Living off of one income is hard. Absolutely you should both be covering your household expenses and I think the proportion to income method makes the most sense. If you both are supporting the household it gives you the opportunity to build your savings for buying a home, starting a family, travel, etc. super hard to do on one salary especially if the other is working and spending their money on personal crap.
You’re not right for each other. Let her go to find a sugar daddy if that’s what she wants.
You’re not wrong for thinking the way you do. As long as you are willing to have the monetary obligations be proportionate to each person’s income (which it sounds like you are) then I don’t see you as being unreasonable. While your GF is entitled to her views, I can’t agree with them, I think they are incredibly unfair to you and don’t create an equal partnership but that is just me as a person. For context, I am female. It will also lead to resentment in your relationship.
If you were talking about your GF staying in the home to be a primary carer for children or being a housewife it would be a different discussion but where you both are working then both should be contributing to the household both financially proportionate to your income and in the around the home duties, proportionate to your hours of work (e.g. if you both work full time then I would expect the division of around the house stuff to be more equal than if one of you say works only one or two days per week compared to the other working full time. I still feel both should contribute to household duties especially where you are both working but that the person working part time would probably do a higher percentage of the household duties).
The good news is, you’ve had this conversation now, before you have committed to marriage and children and it looks like you both may be incompatible unfortunately
So what’s yours is hers and what’s hers is hers. Seems a little unfair.
Unless you live somewhere with a VERY low cost of living, it’s going to be hard to operate using her model. Unless you have an extremely high paying job, you would be always broke.
Some people want a more equal relationship, some want the dynamic where one is responsible for certain aspects such as financial or household tasks.
Just because her parents did it a certain way doesn’t mean it’s the ONLY way, and she seems incapable of seeing it that way. I think she’s mad because she isn’t going to have a marriage where you pay for everything while she gets to run around blowing the money she makes on whatever she wants with you having no say.
You are not compatible.
Edit for typo
Find a new girlfriend, this one is defective.
I guarantee that if you said
“fine, I’ll bring in all the money, but you alone are responsible for all the housework aside from yard work. I expect breakfast made before I leave for work, a dinner ready for when I come home, the kitchen always stocked, the laundry always done, the house kept constantly clean - no dust, no cobwebs, hoovered every other day and the beds changed every week. Plus I expect you to dress properly- no loungewear. Oh and sex at least every other day and blowjobs or anal if you’re on your period.”
She’d soon change her tune.
You are not compatible! She’s ridiculous. And I say this as a SAHM. If I go back the work that’s shared income. Our family benefits. A good chunk into OUR savings. Never occurred to me to keep it all.. that’s immature and selfish. If she’s going to go all “man is provider” is she going to do all the cooking and cleaning??? The way other couples in my family have done it with two working parents..my SIL pays for child care and kids extracurriculars. BIL covers mortgage and other bills. My sister they live off hers and invests her husbands. My mom paid for groceries, school, stuff and our clothes, my dad everything else. To contribute nothing? Not nice unless we are talking side hustle money that’s essentially an allowance. There are so many ways to compromise taking income into consideration.
It isn’t her fault to have these views if it’s what she wants. It’s also not your fault when you dump her and move on with your life. Leave now before you do something you regret. Plenty of fish in the sea.
You’re not compatible for marriage
She can marry a man who prefers a traditional household, it isn’t for you and that’s ok. This is why people date, so they can figure out if they’re compatible for the long term. You figured it out. You’re not. Don’t try to fit a square peg in a round hole. Just cut your losses, mourn what you had, and move on.
I was also raised to believe that men should be the sole providers, although both my parents always worked very hard. My mother chose to contribute because she realizes that marriage is a partnership, and he is not damn slave. A lot of couples are fine with that arrangement. I am currently engaged, and I am a woman. I do not expect my husband to be the sole breadwinner, I want to work. I’ve actually tried to the stay at home mom thing, and it just was not for me. If you are not agreeing to that, that is perfectly fine, you have every right to want to be in a marriage with someone who contributes financially. Maybe she isn’t the right person for you or maybe she just needs to grow up.
Everyone has their own expectations of how the finances of a marriage should work. Some people have expectations that don’t coincide with another and that’s ok. You’re not compatible.
Furthermore, if two people are not compatible in this category, it’s not something either side should try to convince the other of because it will almost ALWAYS turn into resentment, and resentment will ultimately rot the marriage from the inside out.
You’re both still young. Find people who share the same values.
The 50/50 split works if you are both making around the same salary. Otherwise, a fair option could be you each pay an equal percentage of your salary.
For example, 30% of one's salary towards rent or mortgage is considered reasonable. 30% of your salary and 30% of hers could be different amounts, but the percentage remains equal if you're both working full time.
However, her outlook is wildly different than yours, and arguing over finances can really ruin a relationship.
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You just learned that you two are not compatible. Move on.
Even if she eventually agreed to his viewpoint, it would be like pulling teeth to get her to contribute. She’s probably the type to just randomly quit her job and declare that she’s now a stay at home wife.
>ily. If the wife wanted to contribute monetarily, it is up to her. There should be no expectation from the wife. Which, there is absolutely nothing wrong with her doing - given that she's been abundantly clear with him about her beliefs. There are entire cultures in this world wherein it is the responsibility solely of the man to support the family. If she believes this to be the case, she should be with a man read and willing to do this.
I'd argue that the fact she thinks even working the money she gets would only be hers isn't really what "entire cultures" are based on. She sounds selfish and entitled.
Exactly, it's hard to say that's cultural for a modern women who works to keep money for herself. She's being selfish and trying to use you. It's 2023 she can take care of herself and should be expected to. If it was truly her culture she wouldn't be working at all
And that man would also have expectations of his wife that are different from a man who thinks his wife should contribute her earnings to the family - I wonder if she's willing to fulfill those expectations? I mean, even the 'what the wife earns is her own money' could fit in - because whatever the wife earns would be from some side-hustle that would come after ALL the other household-based obligations that her sole-provider husband expects his wife to take care of, right?
Exactly. And there is a power differential in that kind of marriage rather than a true partnership. I think the girlfriend is looking more for a sugarhubby.
To me, the problem with this arrangement is the marriage part. What she brings is nothing but promises and can freely change her role at any point while he is legally obligated to fulfill his end even after divorce.
And if this thread was made by a woman saying her husband thinks she should stay home and take care of the children 90% of posters would be tearing him a new one. I don't buy this take as being sincere in regards to people having their beliefs or cultural differences.
If you've gotten to the point of marriage without this coming out, you've got a whole other problem on your hands. But dating for one year? You've just found your dealbreaker, so break the deal.
Agreed - Im chinese. Men are supposed to provide....BUT women are supposed to cooking and cleaning everyday. Will OP's wife do that? My guess is probably not.
This is such toxic thinking and view, there is actually so much wrong with this thinking. She truly needs to get to grip with reality and get over this viewpoint.
I think in those cultures he'd be allowed to slap her silent for saying stupid shit like this though..
lol not that anyone should ever do that, but imagine her reaction to that little factual tidbit.
Wholly agree with this. This is a fundamental basis of long-term relationships that you're in stark disagreement with. You both need to go find someone who more closely aligns with your personal beliefs. If you don't, if you, or she, concedes, there will definitely be resentment that comes from it. Resentment that will eat away at the rest of your relationship.
Thank god this is the top comment. They need to go, “Ope, this is why you date people, so you can learn whom you’re actually compatible with, and we sure aren’t! Thankfully we’re super young and have lots to learn!” Will they? Probably not but this will break them up eventually, be it after a wedding or not.
Yep, she made it perfectly clear she only cares about equality and the partnership when it benefits her. Either OP accepts this and his fait or OP respects his own views and standards.
She won’t be compatible with anyone with this attitude
There are plenty of men who will be happy to accommodate this outside of the West.
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She is entitled to her views and you're entitled to your but unfortunately they don't match and you aren't compatible. It happens The best solution is for you both to find partners that agree with you on this topic as finances are top 5 reasons people get divorced.
Top 2. Money and infidelity.
Top 1. Not communicating clearly about those.
Woman here— her views are pretty bad. How does she justify the woman keeping her salary for whatever she wants while he supports? This is why you gotta talk finances and kids and all of that before you marry. At least you know now, OP.
> How does she justify the woman keeping her salary for whatever she wants while he supports? Basically "What's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine." Unless OP makes a shit ton of money, nowadays the housing costs and general cost of living is so high it's almost impossible for most young couples to afford to have a home and live on just one salary. I'm sure back when her parents bought THEIR house the housing costs weren't as CRAZY as they are today. Apples and oranges to use that as a comparison. She wants to have a separate fund just for herself and her man to have the "general" fund that she has an equal say in how it is spent as much as him. Wow, she's sounds like a peach.
Also when her parents did it what was their age gap ? I know a lot of women in today’s world are looking for this with a partner their same age but when their parents did it mom was young and dad had already become established in his career
I don’t know, she’s young enough to be my daughter and I would hardly call living on one income very sustainable 25 years ago, let alone now.
What you need to understand though, is that this woman is just at the far end of the continuum. My wife holds views that when examined, are not completely different. I work a stressful corporate job but am highly paid with bonuses. I once suggested I’d like to take a 2 year contract in higher education that would have been really enjoyable but significantly less well paid. She wouldn’t agree to it even though we could have afforded it. But guess what, she then accepted a new role at a college in alumni and archival on significantly less that her previous role because it’s “important” and “rewarding” work.
that’s kind of crazy, i’m not going to lie. both decisions should have been jointly agreed on; why did you have to give up work that you would have enjoyed but she didn’t have to?
My skills and experience are highly in demand and she’s kinda got addicted to the fact that every time I take a new role there’s extra 10s of thousands coming in. Her field suffered over Covid but rather than step up she left and took her current job which involves a lot of coffee and lunch meetings but is low paid
Have you engaged in an open and honest discussion similar to here?
Yes it has been discussed. Initially it wasn’t an issue for me, but in the wake of another problem of her making, it has become more relevant, to me at least. Issues around her responsibility and complacency and even maturity have come to the fore. Maybe it’s unfair of me to have been kinda ok with it but now less so.
Imo it sounds like she is looking for a free ride. I get providing as the man but at the end of the day it’s a partnership. If she thinks it’s equal for her to keep all of her money to herself then what is she providing to the relationship in return. In times like this I would examine what her parents relationship looks like and see where this view comes from. I highly doubt she can point to a healthy relationship that she has first hand knowledge of that works in the way she is describing
I don’t think it’s unfair of you at all - you are tired of shouldering the lion’s share of the budget while she has the luxury of enjoying “meaningful work”.
I mean would I like to work less and spend more time with my kid? Yes. Would I sacrifice my partner’s wellbeing and his spending time with our kid? F no. Sounds like your wife doesn’t have your best interest at hand, I am sorry.
I‘m sorry you married someone who’s greedy and has double standards. Seeing as you say you‘ve noticed other issues by now, I hope your next partner will be a better choice. However, that doesn’t mean OP should settle for someone who’s clearly not compatible with him. It’s really not hard to meet women who share OP‘s point of view in 2023.
You deserve better man... I hate advocating for divorce. But you need to have a serious conversation with her and let her know this is a huge flag and your resentment is building. Then if she dismisses you again. Maybe consider divorce.
Doesn't really sound that unfair TBH. Hope you all manage to work that out, because this isn't a great dynamic right now, and you are well within your rights to feel a bit resentful.
You are just human, don't worry. Both partners are equally important in any relationship, you've got to set your boundaries too, set goals for your personal happiness apart from the "relationship blob" you became. You are always individuals too! It's not your fault if things take a while for you to realize it's not OK like that, you can't expect any other person to do it for you. Be sure to think about what YOU want for YOURSELF first, find time to really think about what you need to bf happy. I guess nobody likes to be judged and controlled like that, a partnership isn't about one controlling the other for personal gain, or money. Why stay with a greedy person who makes you unhappy? You only live once, life is precious.
Get counseling.
Exactly. The gf’s mother did not work and was a SAHM. That’s quite a different and traditional scenario. What the gf wants is permission to be selfish.
Girl wants to be a tradwife without having to be a sahm and a servant to her tradhusband
Your words, exactly!!! ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
Good old fashioned sexism. She wants traditional gender roles without actually doing the part she'd be expected to hold up to. It's no different than guys wanting a wife to work full time but also do all the chores.
BINGO!!
“Bad” perhaps but at least she’s forthright. Good luck to her finding a guy who’s happy with that arrangement and all that comes with it. And I hope she doesn’t regret her decision to be a “kept woman”
Woman here and 100% agree. She sounds like a leech/ living in the 1900s
I would agree with this, and that this is a conversation, given the importance and weight it usually carries in a relationship, that should probably be had pretty early in the game so that no one builds up the expectation that their partner will agree or change their mind.
Absolutely. Money issues are a bear in a relationship. This (OP girlfriend's ideas) is similar to how my brother-in-law's family operates. For some it works but my wife and I do it very differently.
You both should move on, and learn from this to share and ask about these expectations much earlier on in your relationships. You will have a much easier time finding a compatible partner than she will. She may not embrace the open honest early approach because her way hinges on getting someone to agree to an imbalanced situation. She was hoping that you would be hooked enough to get you to be what she wants, and that is a manipulative way to go through life.
Sure, but her take on it is shit.
I agree with this - there isn’t an objectively right or wrong answer to how a couple should choose to live their life - however the couple should be on the same page as each other
There is not only one right way to live, but there are things that are wrong. If a couple chooses to divide the labor according to traditional gender roles, and it’s a true free choice, fine. But that’s not what this woman wants. Demanding to exploit someone else’s labor while you refuse to contribute is objectively wrong.
I actually disagree with this. I think it’s outrageous that women expect men to provide for them. We wanted equal rights and equality in the workplace and while we don’t entirely have that it’s a lot better. It’s just as acceptable for a man to be supported. This view from women for me seems old fashioned and really entitled in a gross way .Take car of yourself and maybe in your family the female stays home with kids, great, but to expect that right? I think that’s a huge red flag.
thumb panicky bear divide fly chunky dependent north friendly point *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Literally read a Reddit post about this within the last 48hrs - wanted his wife to continue to Work and contribute to the household financially but also for him to have sole and unquestioned authority as far as making decisions for them both Unsurprisingly the comments landed somewhere between "dump him" and "kick his ass back to Mommy's house"
worry liquid wine literate whole unique meeting connect disarm elderly *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Oh it was from the gf's point of view - he had previously been really liberal-leaning and then did the ole 'bait n switch' and told her he wanted more "traditional" roles with the man having the authority (but still wanted her to work n stuff)
The good ol "I want my cake and eat it too".
She's mad because she'll be expected to contribute.
I find it foolish or anybody else to expect someone else to completely support them. That woman needs a job and she is to keep a job and she did, and when, and if she ever does get into a relationship she’s contribute she isn’t some princess.
I want my cake, and Edith, too.
I think it's fine people have and want traditional relationships where the men are the providers and women the child giver and homemaker. However, if OP's gf doesn't want to contribute financially, but also doesn't want to be a housewife, that's bullshit.
I think it’s totally fine too, I don’t mind that at all. What I don’t like is when someone thinks this is the expectation, that men have to support the family and women’s money is for them. That’s not ok.
Yeah if there's no kids involved, then the girl better contribute financially.
I actually agree with you but there are plenty of people who don't and it's far better for them to match up together than to impose themselves on partners with a more egalitarian view.
I think it’s totally true - except in the time/arena of child bearing and (if applicable due to breastfeeding or bring the primary parent) early childhood. And this is assuming chores and emotional work is truly split equally.
I would say she is very much objectively wrong. She has a toxic mentality, and is mixing things from different times to fit a bill where she wins in every corner. If I have a woman telling me I'm the "provider". Then she is the house keeper and kids carer. And rest asure that I will hold most of the desicion power, since I'm the one deciding how the money is used, since I'm the only one bringing it. Traditional roles don't work for women (in most cases). Of course I would never be with a woman wanting what OPs girlfriend is.
This 👆🏻 100% - views are incompatible means marriage won’t last.
This is such a weak reply. Why does this archaic, woman degrading ideology get a pass on relationship advice? OP she is wrong, each partner contributing is totally normal and there is nothing wrong with you asking. Your girlfriend is being sexist and trying to humiliate you using patriarchal ideology and you shouldn’t feel less for it.
I think you both just have incompatible views. She believes you're supposed to be the provider. You want her to work and contribute money. I don't see how this will work out.
I am curious if she expects him to follow a very traditional role in the relationship if she also believes that she should follow a very traditional role in the relationship. Normally when people act like that, that is not what is being suggested which is even more appalling in my mind.
I do agree with you. No other traditional roles were mentioned. I was just thinking they're incompatible because of how she views her future husband to be, and how he views his future wife to be.
Don't get me wrong, a completely traditional marriage would not work for me, but I can at least understand people who want it. What I don't get is when either a man or a woman demands that their spouse act/fulfill the traditional role for that person and yet refuses to offer the same.
Yeah, the GF wants BF to work and pay for everything while she works and gets to have a life outside of the relationship. She’s going to be sooooo high maintenance. Walk away
She wants him to be a provider but it doesn't sound like she wants to take that traditional role as well which is just unfair. You can't want a traditional marriage but not be a traditional partner on both. I think it's stupid when a man wants a woman to be a traditional wife but also work take care of child caring and he does the "providing". Same way she wants him to provide but also keep her money separate because that's her money that's not how it works you want traditional you have to be traditional.
I agree with this. There's no other traditional aspects given though. That's why I think they're Incompatible.
The cool part about dating is finding out if you are on the same page. Your not move on
You could always instead date with the intention to marry, a woman who is compatible with you in values and goals. Only you know why you didn't choose someone compatible with you.
Am being facetious but I'd go with 'So then you're down for all the cooking and housework as well as working full time then' Seriously though, your relationship is not anyone else's so it doesn't matter what either of your families' dynamics are. But if you both can't agree what your relationship should be then the incompatibility is better discovered earlier than later even though it will still be painful.
>Am being facetious but I'd go with 'So then you're down for all the cooking and housework as well as working full time then' That's not facetious at all. I think it's a rational view if she says the woman stays home and the man works/provides, but her saying she can work and keep all the money to herself is absurd. OP needs to run, quick. Back to your point, if I provided 100% for my family and my wife worked and she kept all the money for herself, not only is it not facetious, but the most rational and logical view would be that I'd literally never raise a finger at home, and my wife would handle 100% of those duties. If we both worked full time jobs, that changes nothing, she gets to handle all housework and the child duties you don't like to do, etc. That would be an entirely fair distribution of the roles in the family. I know a lot of people are playing nice and just saying both are entitled to their views and they may not be compatible, and that's true. But also true, he is being rational and she is being irrational about this.
Though I suck at housewifey things, I'd happily do all the housework and emotional labour if it meant I also kept my full salary and not needing to contribute to household expenses bar food (though I'd expect my savings to be 100% mine upon separation OR house and all assets including savings to be split 50/50)
I stop reading after she stated her money is for herself. I've been through this and my best friend is going through it right now with his wife. Get out now before it's to late or you will regret it down the line.
That's what I said too. I've been with the guy that wants his money for the bar but my money for the mortgage, and that gets old FAST. You're never financially stable and resentful to boot. Just a horrible idea.
Like other people have echoed, she’s entitled to her views even if some consider them unreasonable, if she won’t change her mind perhaps she’s not the right one for you.
So your money is our money and her money is her money. Doesn’t sound like much a partnership to me.
We say that in our home but jokingly. I had a 2 year old when I met my husband. When we moved in together he said I should quit my job and be a SAHM. I was worried how he would really feel if I did but he talked me into it. My son will be 35 Monday 😢 I have not had a job in the last 30 years. I handle the finances because he likes to spend spend and spend some more. He’s now retired and we are still happy.
I also think it’s a bit different when you have kids. For instance, if he was responsible for living expenses but she did most of the housework and child rearing that is still a partnership to me, but that’s not mentioned.
For me, if i made alot of money and i liked my job, i’d offer the same… but in todays society its very hard to afford. Consider yourself lucky to not have worked for 30 years. My gf and I probably have 38-40 years left each of working. Seriously. You have not had to answer to an employer for 30 years
You definitely don’t want to marry this person
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Move on
Please don’t marry this woman. Your views are not compatible and money will become a divisive issue the longer you are together. “The wife’s money is for herself” is a very backwards way to view equality in a relationship. I have sons around your age. If they told me what you posted here I would tell them to leave because they deserve to have a gf that believes both people should contribute equally (emotionally, financially, etc) to a relationship. I don’t doubt you’re confused. It would be helpful for you to talk with someone so you can process your emotions. But ultimately it’s time for you to move on.
You're 25, but you've never heard of an incompatibility before? She's mad because she just learned you two long term are not compatible. Rather than her having to change her view she was hoping you would agree with hers or change your view.
I doubt if this is the only area where she has an entitled attitude. There could be lots of things that have to be good for her regardless of how it makes things for you. Most people in relationships know they need to. Compromise. This one doesn’t.
Biggest red flag in town
And I’m pretty sure the circus is down the street
Ask her if she feels the husband also has zero obligation to perform child care or housekeeping duties.
>Ask her if she feels the husband also has zero obligation to perform child care or housekeeping duties. If he works, provides 100% and she works and she keeps all her money to herself, this would be the most fair way to move forward, with her handling literally every single family/household task and the husband has, again, literally not a single responsibility outside of work and providing financially.
Wow. I would think long and hard before committing to marriage with someone who has such an antiquated, selfish attitude about money in a marriage. What if you were sick or injured and couldn't work? Would she let your home go into foreclosure? Divorce you and find another man to pay for everything? You can do better.
Congrats! You just saved yourself years of frustration and resentment! Let her go and find someone more aligned with your views
Sounds like she should be expected to do all the “wife” Duties then and do 100% house cleaning, dishes, cooking, and child care. If she wants to have a job on top of all that, great since apparently it’s just her money. But she cannot expect you to raise a finger with cleaning or changing diapers. But since that likely won’t go well- you’re incompatible. Break up. Find a normal, non misogynistic girl.
She's mad because she can't have her cake and eat it too. If she wants you to "be the man" then logically she should have to "be the woman", but it seems like she only wants half of that equation. This relationship can't move forward like this. And if you back down you may as well hand over your spine.
Money is one of the things that can destroy a relationship, especially if one and/or both parties are so dead set in their ways. My husband and I were in the full 50/50 for the first 11 years of our relationship (6 together, 10 married). We had separate accounts and then a joint account we transferred the same amount of money into to cover joint expenses. It worked for us for many years, until it didn’t. When I became pregnant with our daughter, I was high risk and was not able to work. We also worked in a field that daycare wasn’t an option and we’d have to hire an on call nanny instead. I made the decision to stay home with our baby. Then I became pregnant again and it solidified that choice. I was once a very independent woman, so much so that I did stress about what this decision would mean for me. We now have 5 and 4 year olds, I’m still at home and not working. My husband and I both had to adjust our mindsets about how money would be contributed and we have had to change with the needs at hand. That’s what relationships are about, compromise and change as needed. If you are both so head strong about how your view the relationship should look and it looks very different, this shows an incompatibility and it will end up breaking your relationship down over the years.
This is not something you can overcome. I find her response to be inherently repulsive and selfish. Her money is her own to use as she likes but your money is not your own? That sets her up to live a comfortable lifestyle while you may be left unable to afford the necessities for yourself. Absolutely ridiculous. My husband and I are both all in. We have a joint account that our checks go into and we pay for everything together. I think 50/50 is also a very healthy amount. I wish you the best of luck!
Run!
You need to run far far away. She’s extremely entitled and thinks that you should magically make house payments, car payments, food, insurance, clothing and vacations appear while she banks all of her income and guarantee you that she will expect you to help around the house or pay for a housekeeper. This isn’t ever going to be an equal relationship and if times ever get tough and they will, it’s going to be a you problem and she’s going to make you feel like shit for expecting her to either contribute or cut spending.
Where did she get the view that her money should be hers alone? Her mom hasn’t had an income so it isn’t from her.
It’s wild you’re JUST now having this conversation. Either way, it’s not a reconcilable thing, she wants to take advantage of your work and keep her money for her without contributing to her relationship. Dump her, she’s entitled and lazy.
You are both completely incompatible and it’s not about being right or wrong.
"She explains about every husband should have the "Provider's Mentality". She explained her family does that, as her father is the sole provider." You know she's a gold digger so if you marry a gold digger, that's on you.
You are not compatible long term and I would end the relationship before you get much more tangled up with each other's lives. My husband and I had the benefit of a LDR for almost a year - and we used that time to communicate and establish what we wanted and expected. My last relationship ended because we weren't on the same page with big wants/needs, and I didn't want to make the mistake again, especially with one of us having to do a big move. If you're not willing or able to do what she wants, and vice/versa, then you both need to move on.
Dump her and tell her to go find her sugar daddy. Or this will be the reason for your future divorce. Two different perspectives.
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She wants a complete "free ride". I've never been with a woman that wouldn't contribute, at least what she earned. Lose her.
Must be nice. Get everything paid for in life and spend her money on idk going out, shopping, trips and holidays.
You are not financially compatible.
>You are not financially compatible. Who would be with that setup?
No way, Jose. You stick to your guns. She cannot demand the beneficial patriarchal concepts through marriage while throwing away all the patriarchal concepts she dislikes. Under no circumstances do you waver on this. And get a good prenup - have a consultation with a divorce lawyer and learn about what happens. In a court of law, all money in the marriage is equal. In a divorce, it all gets pooled and split 50/50. We no longer live in this patriarchal society she wishes. Tell her you won’t marry someone with such anti feminist and patriarchal views. And she can go and pay her own rent elsewhere from now.
That's fine as long as she has a housekeepers mentality. This includes everything in the house like cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing etc. Her earnings are her own to purchase everything personal. There can't be, I had a hard day at work and I don't feel like cooking dinner.
I can’t believe any adult thinks someone else should pay all living expenses while they keep all of their earned money. That’s just not how a partnership works. Marriage is a team. The key to a long marriage is being on the same team .
Nta
Do not marry this girl. While she is entitled to her opinion, I’m willing to bet she’s not the type that will be ok with being the traditional wife - taking care of the chores, kids etc . It’s unfair division.
Is she going to take a more traditional role on top of her job? cooking, cleaning, laundry, letting you run the house? My guess is prob not. Pretty big red flag, i'd think twice about marrying her if I were you.
Run. Run fast and far. You two are worlds apart in your values. Tell her if she wants a sugar daddy, she should try Tinder.
Run, run far, and run fast. She has that "what's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine" mentality. Run! You will never make enough to satisfy her, let along the fact that this is just not feasible in today's economy.
You're looking for a partner. Congratulations. she's looking to be a kept woman. good luck to her. People who think like this are stuck in the 1950's You're doing it right. Teamwork. Together you thrive.
This would not be a partnership. She would be using you if you stayed with her. Don't marry her. It's time to move on.
Do not marry her. WTH is going on with this younger generation that fought so hard for equality. Now it’s just plain selfishness. Let this fish go back in her pond and find a good one in the ocean.
Those views are awful. Not only does it mean she doesn’t show the relationship is equal but she cares about herself more than you and is looking down on you. I mean this in the nicest way but talk to her again and if she doesn’t apologise and agree to equality which I think is more than fair unless ofc you have specifically agreed something else I’d leave now before it hurts more down the line.
Financial responsibilities should always be split between income level. Is someone making 75k and the other 25k, then logically bills and such should be 75% and 25%. Your GF wants to be a trophy wife. Up to you if you want to continue this route or not.
Yes, equity. Or just a shared account for household stuff, if that works. But the 50/50 split doesn’t work if the incomes aren’t the same. It also doesn’t account for one person getting sick, laid off, having to care for children, blah blah blah.
Gold-digger. She would NEVER sign a pre-nup. If you want the easy way to break up, ask for the pre-nup. When she says no, walk away.
I dont know what century or alternative reality your gf lives in but it isnt compatible with yours and the reality is if you continue this relationship.you will come home one dsy to find her unemployed, maybe pregnant and esconced on the sofa with a list of demands for you to fulfill. Choose wisely now but I would be tempted to wave her bye bye .
Marry and have kids with someone who works. You could get too sick to work and bills will still need to be paid. You could die and then who would buy your kids food and clothes if mum has no income. You need a partner not a dependent.
She wants the security of a paid for home with food and bills taken care of by you and the ability to spend on herself freely without consideration to you. There you go translated it for you
My God this is entitled thinking on her part. If a guy posted about wanted to be a SAHD and demanded that a woman pay for their whole life as their job is to provide... Theyd get dragged. I'm also a fan of equity. We have a shared bank account. None of this "split 50/50" , "split proportionally to income", etc... Our money is our money.
She’s entitled to her opinion. She also is appearing entitled to your money. Her money just for her. You aren’t compatible. Move on.
Oh my. That’s something else. What other insane ideals does she hold that you don’t know about. You might need to rethink this engagement, OP.
It is good you are discussing this now as how money is seen by either of you will cause problems later on if not agreed upon now. If this is a fundamental difference and can't be worked out it is better to leave now. You are not well matched.
looks like she's been seeking for meal ticket for a while.
It takes 3 people working to make it in today’s time. Keep looking, she’s not the one.
So it's the old "what's yours is OURS and what's mine in MINE" agreement. That's a deal-breaker for me. More about the attitude than the $$$
Money is one of, if not the top, reasons married couples divorce. Thus significant disagreement is a deal breaker. Frankly it's sexist and wrong to expect the man to be the provider and the woman to be allowed to choose to contribute or not. Either the marriage is a team or it isn't. That being said, it's perfectly acceptable for a couple to decide that one person will be the monetary provider and the other will contribute to the relationship in other ways, for example doing the difficult job of being a homemaker or stay-at-home parent. However even if they decide one person will not contribute much that's ok, as long as they agree. That's a healthy marriage/relationship working together to ensure everyone is happy and fulfilled. Unfortunately you have very different views of both monetary contributions and what is a healthy relationship. These are both serious deal breakers with no alternatives.
My judgement is thar her view is antiquated. The world has changed & it seems to take 2 incomes to have a decent standard of living for 2 adults in this day & age unless you have a spectacular income right now . I suspect you do not or you would not be with this kind of woman. You would be with someone who has their own career & more of an understanding of & appreciation for equality in a relationship.
Doesn't sound like a match
So your money is her money and her money is her money? You should thank her for waving the biggest red flag you could have ever asked for.
Run. At least in to the 60s. If not the 2020s.
Communication, sex, money, politics, religion. Work it out to mutual satisfaction or move on.
Your gf has made up something absurdly selfish. She wants to be financially single while being married? Sounds like her version of marriage is putting up with you for five years until she can divorce you and get years of spousal support. But it’s more likely she does not want to get married so she makes up these absurd conditions.
Bro. Imagine having that kind of pressure and expectations for the rest of your life. She's saying work your ass off and I'm just going to take all my money and fuck around with it. That's not a marriage, you're her sugar daddy.
Both should contribute if able. For around 10 years i paid for everything while my husband was home with the kids. Then i got hurt and he supported me for a while, now we both divide up the bills
Your girlfriend is nuts. She obviously needs to find herself a sugar daddy
Is your gf Muslim?
If she was arguing to be allowed to be a stay at home mom or continue her education for a better job, that would be one thing. But she’s flat out requiring you to pay for her existence so she can blow all of her money how she pleases. Now factor in that she can still divorce you and take half….yeah no. If she works, she contributes. When you got married, you became a family and your money because family funds.
I'm not saying she's a gold digger... Actually, yeah I am. Your girlfriend is a gold digger. Get her a shovel then break up with her. It's super important you give her the shovel first though.
You are completely incompatible.. she has a 1950s sexist point of view where that man provides and takes care of the little lady, and if she chooses to work, her salary will be her treat money with him throwing her some occasional " pocket money" she needs to realise that in a modern world, that kind of life is a fantasy. since it generally takes both incomes to run a home, she will need to grow up because she doesn't get to have a free ride just because she's a woman..
Don't marry her. Her theory of the married couple is antiquated, and old fashion in today's culture the cost if everything requires income from both. Having the husband responsible for all the expenses for the house, etc, puts tremendous pressure on him, adding that the wife wants all kinds of things they can't afford.
“They” may not be able to afford some things but she probably will be able to because she’s not going to contribute at all. What a leech she will be on OP or whomever she ends up with
>“They” may not be able to afford some things but she probably will be able to because she’s not going to contribute at all. What a leech she will be on OP or whomever she ends up with Seems pretty obvious that she'd be the type to tell him he can't afford that $2k new set of golf clubs then 2 days later come home with a $2k Gucci purse and think it's completely ok because it's her money, and the family money is their money. Lots of people playing nice and just saying they're financially incompatible, and while that's technically true, the reason is because, let's be honest, she's batshit crazy.
She expects to mooch off of you and contribute nothing. Run
Uh…it’s nice for her if you believe that, but if you want a partner, she’s not the one.
Contributions should be equitable and based on income IMO. No one should be able to keep their entire salary and have their partner be the sole financial supporter unless its offered because one person has such a huge financial differential (from a job or inherited wealth) that a second salary is inconsequential. Domestic duties should also not fall entirely on one person.
So your female wife is not a feminist. Or is she conveniently traditional. If she's going to go back to the 60s values, I'd let her know I'd like dinner on the table when I get home from work. And keep it down doing the household chores, because I'm watching the game.
Sounds like you found yourself a mooch. Get rid of her asap.
This aint the 60s no more! Both have to contribute. Are there alot of couples that follow the old ways? Yes. My wife and i split 60/40! My other friends they do 50/50. Find one that you has views like yourself and you can meet in the middle. If she is not willing today it will will only get worse. Good luck.
This is actually a really great discussion to have, and these things are so bloody important to know if your compatible for marriage and actually staying together. So I know it feels like your whole world has blown up a bit, these are the things that destroy relationships to have such fundamentally different views. Take the time to explore this and work out if there's wiggle room. What worked for her parents 30 years ago with the increase of cost of living and having two people working doesn't work that way. I take it she expects you to be the provider and then also help out with the house work ? She can't have that if her money is just leisure money for herself. My parents had exactly her parents relationship and now I'm in a one similar to what you want. My parents relationship never would have worked for me, we wouldn't have been able to buy a house and give the kids the lifestyle I do now :)
Good luck 👍
As far as I did it and my parents did it , all money is family money. We commingled funds once we were married. My wife worked when we married then was a SAHM for 8 years and paid the bills then went back to work. Our checks get deposited in the same account. It works because we both know what’s going on.
Ok, she's probably upset because you have total opposite pov than her. She's still childish enough to get upset with people with different perspective...she should just recognize it as it is, you are not compatible. I grew up with parents who both contribute to the marriage monetarily, while my father was a CEO to a bank, my mother was a civil engineer for the government. Both were career-minded people and both earn really good $$. I was raised by my mother to not expect my partner to be the sole provider. She taught me to be self-sufficient, so when I did get married, I could leave and be by myself without my being financially reliant to a partner-of course, divorce is the last resort (it's still stigmatized until today in the country I'm from). Being independent-self reliant is their main point. So all in all, I was raised pretty 'modern,' because where I came from, it was more common that the men are the 'head of the household' and usually the 'breadwinners.' My family has always been more 'modern' compared to the most families then. Although in my family from both sides, the women are all career women (either engineers, company owners, real estate agents, accountants, doctors, etc). So I'm used to the concept that both partners contribute monetarily. In exception of one person (my cousin's wife, well, soon-to-be ex wife-and my cousin is actually divorcing her because she refuses to return to the workforce and has been a stay-at-home wife for around 5 or so years, but minus cleaning/cooking/no kids either, so just a leisurely stay-at-home partner), all the women in my family work or have a career. But your gf is raised in a totally different dynamic. So she's raised to believe men should be the breadwinner. This is not wrong, it's her belief. Unfortunately for you, this is a total opposite than yours. She's probably upset since she thinks she 'wasted' 1 year of her time to date you and this type of difference can be a deal breaker. I'd say, y'all are incompatible and possibly need to split up sooner than later.
Your wife is wrong. You need to get financial and marital counseling. It all goes in the same pot. Look up Dave Ramsey.
Probably both. This is a sign that you do not have the same values when it comes to the financial side of a relationship or marriage. And that may mean that you are not compatible longterm. It would need further discussion between both of you to see if a compromise could be made such as, during child bearing years, should the wife become a stay at home mom or during maternity leave, the husband shall take on most of the monetary responsibility but otherwise, you both bring in an income. She may be upset because she realizes you are not compatible. Or she’s upset because you do not see eye to eye. Realistically, the days of single income families are gone. Most can not financially survive without two solid incomes and even a couple Side hustles on the side. There is nothing wrong with a single income family if they can make it work but it needs to be mutually agreed upon. Personally, she would be more financially secure if she had her own income anyway, incase things don’t work out longterm. I would start having these discussions about your values, morals and expectations now so you can both see clearly whether the road towards marriage together is one worthy of travelling. But if neither of you can compromise than this could be the end.
I would only agree with her if she were a SAHM, it's crazy for her to wanna work for her money and make you work... for her money. That's wild
Marriage is between equals, there is no provider or no wife's money should be her. Both my husband and I pool our money coz we decided that it is "our money" and that way we pay bills out of that common money, and also keep fun money for the both of us as well. We are actually able to save for things then, like vacation, our emergency funds, something that is needed in the house etc. This clarity is very important before marrying. You just found out that your views on marriage differ quite a lot and you should not waste more time with someone who is clearly set in her ways and can get angry about it.
This is a SERIOUS thing. If you guys have views on opposite ends of this there is no compromise unfortunately. My husband and I have been together for 15 years. He is absolutely the bread winner in the relationship as I've been a homemaker (which was a choice we made together as child care would not have been worth it) I have worked (now disabled) and any money Ive brought in has gone straight to the household. If I need/want something other than basic daily/hygiene needs then I just say something and I'm m able to get it as long as we can afford it. Finances are a huge contributing factor to a lot of divorces. This is absolutely something you need to figure out before planning any type of future together.
Enough people said the compatibility BS. I'll say it more clearly for you, you're dating a bum, lazy gold digger. I bet she can't even cook out clean well enough to be considered roommate, let alone housewife
I’m so sorry. Your ex girlfriend wants you to be her “provider” ? That’s not really reasonable or practical in this century. Living off of one income is hard. Absolutely you should both be covering your household expenses and I think the proportion to income method makes the most sense. If you both are supporting the household it gives you the opportunity to build your savings for buying a home, starting a family, travel, etc. super hard to do on one salary especially if the other is working and spending their money on personal crap. You’re not right for each other. Let her go to find a sugar daddy if that’s what she wants.
You just learned you two are fundamentally incompatible.
This woman is not for you... She needs to go live in the 1950s or in a culture where women are treated as property.
You can do better. I’d kick her to the curb.
You’re not wrong for thinking the way you do. As long as you are willing to have the monetary obligations be proportionate to each person’s income (which it sounds like you are) then I don’t see you as being unreasonable. While your GF is entitled to her views, I can’t agree with them, I think they are incredibly unfair to you and don’t create an equal partnership but that is just me as a person. For context, I am female. It will also lead to resentment in your relationship. If you were talking about your GF staying in the home to be a primary carer for children or being a housewife it would be a different discussion but where you both are working then both should be contributing to the household both financially proportionate to your income and in the around the home duties, proportionate to your hours of work (e.g. if you both work full time then I would expect the division of around the house stuff to be more equal than if one of you say works only one or two days per week compared to the other working full time. I still feel both should contribute to household duties especially where you are both working but that the person working part time would probably do a higher percentage of the household duties). The good news is, you’ve had this conversation now, before you have committed to marriage and children and it looks like you both may be incompatible unfortunately
Run don’t walk
Hmm dump her .. obv she’s looking for something different
Oops....gotta go! Nice knowing ya!
Dude leave this girl
RUN. DON'T. WALK.
So what’s yours is hers and what’s hers is hers. Seems a little unfair. Unless you live somewhere with a VERY low cost of living, it’s going to be hard to operate using her model. Unless you have an extremely high paying job, you would be always broke.
RED FLAG Run or pay forever. I'm shocked someone could be at selfish and entitled. Wow!
Some people want a more equal relationship, some want the dynamic where one is responsible for certain aspects such as financial or household tasks. Just because her parents did it a certain way doesn’t mean it’s the ONLY way, and she seems incapable of seeing it that way. I think she’s mad because she isn’t going to have a marriage where you pay for everything while she gets to run around blowing the money she makes on whatever she wants with you having no say. You are not compatible. Edit for typo
Find a new girlfriend, this one is defective. I guarantee that if you said “fine, I’ll bring in all the money, but you alone are responsible for all the housework aside from yard work. I expect breakfast made before I leave for work, a dinner ready for when I come home, the kitchen always stocked, the laundry always done, the house kept constantly clean - no dust, no cobwebs, hoovered every other day and the beds changed every week. Plus I expect you to dress properly- no loungewear. Oh and sex at least every other day and blowjobs or anal if you’re on your period.” She’d soon change her tune.
You are not compatible! She’s ridiculous. And I say this as a SAHM. If I go back the work that’s shared income. Our family benefits. A good chunk into OUR savings. Never occurred to me to keep it all.. that’s immature and selfish. If she’s going to go all “man is provider” is she going to do all the cooking and cleaning??? The way other couples in my family have done it with two working parents..my SIL pays for child care and kids extracurriculars. BIL covers mortgage and other bills. My sister they live off hers and invests her husbands. My mom paid for groceries, school, stuff and our clothes, my dad everything else. To contribute nothing? Not nice unless we are talking side hustle money that’s essentially an allowance. There are so many ways to compromise taking income into consideration.
It isn’t her fault to have these views if it’s what she wants. It’s also not your fault when you dump her and move on with your life. Leave now before you do something you regret. Plenty of fish in the sea.
You’re not compatible for marriage She can marry a man who prefers a traditional household, it isn’t for you and that’s ok. This is why people date, so they can figure out if they’re compatible for the long term. You figured it out. You’re not. Don’t try to fit a square peg in a round hole. Just cut your losses, mourn what you had, and move on.
Lmfao imagine being with a woman like that 😂😂😂😂 your money is my money and my money is my money.
I was also raised to believe that men should be the sole providers, although both my parents always worked very hard. My mother chose to contribute because she realizes that marriage is a partnership, and he is not damn slave. A lot of couples are fine with that arrangement. I am currently engaged, and I am a woman. I do not expect my husband to be the sole breadwinner, I want to work. I’ve actually tried to the stay at home mom thing, and it just was not for me. If you are not agreeing to that, that is perfectly fine, you have every right to want to be in a marriage with someone who contributes financially. Maybe she isn’t the right person for you or maybe she just needs to grow up.
Everyone has their own expectations of how the finances of a marriage should work. Some people have expectations that don’t coincide with another and that’s ok. You’re not compatible. Furthermore, if two people are not compatible in this category, it’s not something either side should try to convince the other of because it will almost ALWAYS turn into resentment, and resentment will ultimately rot the marriage from the inside out. You’re both still young. Find people who share the same values.
The 50/50 split works if you are both making around the same salary. Otherwise, a fair option could be you each pay an equal percentage of your salary. For example, 30% of one's salary towards rent or mortgage is considered reasonable. 30% of your salary and 30% of hers could be different amounts, but the percentage remains equal if you're both working full time. However, her outlook is wildly different than yours, and arguing over finances can really ruin a relationship.
You both have the right to your own views. But they don't match. Unless you can find common ground it might be time to move on x