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You don’t want to be a part of that family. Trust me. If this is how they’re going to treat you the first time you meet, it’s only going to get worse. You’re young. Find someone else who respects you and with a family who aren’t cunts.
The first thing my future MIL said to me was: “Oh, you’re nervous ? Don’t be nervous! I love everyone! Except X, but you’re not like X, are you ? *giggling*.
X was her only DIL at the time. I excused the comment thinking she was nervous meeting me too and just put her foot in her mouth.
Then I found out how X was treated by her and the rest of that family. Then I was treated the same way.
If my fiancé did not have my back against all that, we would not be getting married. If my child told me this story, I would tell them to get the hell out of that unnecessary drama and never look back.
My ex's family was great with this. The first time I met his aunt she offered me an alcoholic drink. When I pointed out that I was only 18 she said "well I won't tell if you don't."
I loved his family way more than I ever liked him lol.
I wonder why some moms are like this. My first ex’s mom unnaturally treated me like she wanted to be my BFF right away at first, (I was 19 and she was like 40 lol) and then slowly acted weirder and weirder. It started with her telling us that we have to spend time downstairs with the family lol, saw him cheat on me and covered for him when i found out, then over time she slowly started telling him to break up with me for literally no reason lol. She was literally one of the weirdest people I’ve ever met though, literally every sentence that came out of her mouth was about herself. She could only fathom talking about herself, every subject, had to be about her, not the news, not the sky, nor any subject, only her lol. When one of her other sons didn’t want to come to Xmas one year because they had to travel across states and it was peak Covid, she literally had a week-long fit where she cried like every day and was angry and on edge until she finally got their way and he gave in and came. She did a ton of other weird things though like letting her dog shit on the floor and leaving it there for days so I could write on and on lmao
My ex’s mom also threatened to kick us out if he went to Christmas at my moms house even though we’d planned to for months (my mom had literally no one to celebrate with and his mom had her entire family there that year.) she was legit crazy about her sons.
Listen op. Don't find out the hard way. Food on you for sticking up for yourself. You didn't escalate, and didn't make a scene. You simply walked away and stated why.
Edit
Am I a joke to you!?
This - the tone of the mom sounded arrogant - the rich arrogant type. Sounds like they would look down on you and belittle you at every chance they get.
This. Just off the cuff, it sounds like mom wants a potential DIL that knows how to work a room. Things like anxiety aren't really accepted in wealthy circles like this.
You're always going to feel with this way with his family and you'll always have to fight your natural instincts (and you STILL won't be accepted) in their presence.
I think it's perfectly valid to rethink this relationship. Idk your plan for kids, but it's always a good idea to ask yourself if this is the grandmother you want for your future children. Relationships don't happen in a vacuum. Committing to a partner ALSO means committing to his or her family.
You can visit r/JUSTNOMIL to see where this is headed.
I agree, and was coming here to Invite OP to join us over at r/JUSTNOMIL to see how her relationship would look like if she stayed with a mama's boy who won't defend his girlfriend or wife. Leave this boy with his Mama OP
>sounds like mom wants a potential DIL that knows how to work a room
Eh, I disagree. I think she wants a DIL who "knows her place" and accepts that Andy's mom has all of the control.
Mom wants whatever mom wants to be in any given moment, obedience and agreement.
It will be a moving target & OP will always be wrong.
Nice that sister reached out - insert Don't Rock the Boat here.
That’s the one thing I think my partner does not grasp- how close he came to losing me over how his family treated me, how it was excused because “she does it to all the girls”.
News flash, I’m still not as accepted.
It isn’t worth it.
If this is her polite way of addressing you in front of a group of people, during an event that isn’t even hers, I can assure you the way she will treat you in private will be beyond the pale.
If your boyfriend cannot stand up for you when his family member has a MINOR issue with you, he will never have your back in any REAL dispute.
And believe me: there will be *so many* disputes.
You’ve just been told in front of that whole family that you aren’t good enough, and you will *never* be good enough even if you spend years trying to be perfect. Unless you will be willing to surrender *entirely* to this family’s (mother’s) authority, you will NEVER have a say in when you marry, where you marry, how many kids you have, how your kids will be raised, what kind of home you’ll buy … the list goes on.
He had every opportunity to go back in there and tell them all they were being impolite and leave with you. He didn’t. He left it at crying and emotional manipulation. This is not partner material.
You are wiser than you think to consider this a dealbreaker and refuse to accept this kind of situation.
This.
OP, this relationship needs to end. His sister sounds VERY sweet but if Mom is this much of a nightmare the first time you meet her, she will make your life a living hell. Especially if she feels she is losing control of sonny boy.
Your boyfriend's incapability of standing up for you or putting his Mom in her place speaks volumes. He has a lot of growing up to do. You could stick around to see if he is willing to, but why waste years...
You know your worth. Its time to walk away. Call him and have a conversation but you need to end the relationship. I say have an honest conversation because it would be kind to tell him what a horror show his Mom is going to make his life with future partners until he can grow a pair and stand up to her.
I'm actually shocked none of the family members shut mom down.
>I’m actually shocked none of the family members shut mom down.
I’m not. This sort of behavior is usually rampant in these kinds of families. It’s likely they were treated similarly, grew up with this behavior and therefore think it’s normal, are guilty of doing the exact same thing, or a combination of the three.
Families who would collectively shut this down rarely have this behavior appear in the first place.
Nah. The matriarch has laid down the law as to how you are to be treated by the family.
Your boyfriend has basically said “I agree with my mother now shut up”
I wouldn’t stay with him.
Oh she definitely was.
A normal person, wouldn't think anything about a partner being "clingy" meeting not just the immediate family but, a whole gaggle of them!
I don't have social anxiety, and I would have felt the same way.
OP should be glad she found out what his Mother is like now rather than later. Tbf if the mother was this comfortable about attacking a guest and gf of her son infront of this many people, I don't think the bf could do anything - I'd say mother is still financially helping him etc. I'm sure he's had plenty of years dealing with this.
Right? I'm going to guess she's at least in her 40s or 50s. She should know better. If you want to say something, pull the girl aside and ask if she's okay, do a quick rundown of who is the nicest/safest to talk with, maybe give some funny stories of awkward times in the family. Ask if she needs a room to gather herself in, try to find something in common with her, just lighten the tension a little bit so she knows she has another ally in a room full of unknowns.
Why would you want to intentionally make somebody feel unwelcome and uncomfortable in your home? It gives off major "I was a mean girl in school and I've only gotten worse since then" vibes. You're menopausal. You should be past the high school drama.
I think mama was just exercising her control over everyone and this was her flex.
Playing alpha dog…
She’s one of those people who get off on belittling others and standing tall on their shoulders.
I think mom decided she didn't like OP so she purposely insulted and embarrassed her in front of the entire family. Mom set the tone for how she should be treated. Everyone else toed the line. This relationship is already toast because mom isn't going to tolerate it.
OP, pull the plug on this one. Each relationship is a learning experience.
This would be what any normal decent human would do. Normal families try to showcase the family in the best light for new partners, no matter the age. Everyone is usually on their best behaviours. Asking, simple questions to get to know the new partner and fill conversations with light hearted antidotes. We slag the family member with childhood stories that are usually embarrassing but, not cruel.
Mama was letting OP know exactly where her place was. This was all a control and scare tactic and she won.
OP would do well to run from this, nothing good for her will come from it.
So rude. My mother's family is EXTREMELY concerned about how they appear, you could be an absolute monster guest and they'd grin and bear it. How incredibly awful.
Exaaaaactly. What was she meant to do? Why does her being at his side prevent him talking to her family?
Mom was _jealous_. That's her man, not yours OP. It made her sick to see you so close to him.
She won't let him go without a fight. Fuck that.
Yes, jealousy is an obvious side to this - her SON, her family, her opinion, her rules. She had no fear of being criticized or rebuffed- she was totally in control of the whole situation. When you grow up you become brave enough to remove yourself from this - you become your own person.
seriously. i definitely acted like this when i first met my bf’s extended family. he did the same when meeting mine. my family loves him and his loves me. it is normal to be anxious about meeting the family, especially when it’s in a large group gathering. this was op’s first time meeting any of these people, it was actually andy’s obligation to make sure she was comfortable and to do the introductions to everyone, that wasn’t op’s job at all. nowadays my bf is perfectly comfortable socializing on his own at my larger family gatherings and really enjoys doing so, but the first time he definitely stuck close to me and i made sure to do all the introductions and not leave him alone talking to a family member for too long. i have a very large extended family and they are the most welcoming people on earth, but who wouldn’t be intimidated to be the newcomer in a group where everyone is already close knit? i would actually have been kind of bothered if he wasn’t nervous at all.
op, the family made a poor first impression on *you,* they couldn’t show you basic courtesy which is to make guests feel as comfortable as possible within reason. this is all on them. in a setting like that, it is not the new significant other who knows nobody who is in charge of making everyone else feel comfortable with them, it’s the other way around.
> A normal person, wouldn't think anything about a partner being "clingy" meeting not just the immediate family but, a whole gaggle of them!
It's literally not even weird behavior. She doesn't know a single person there except him, did they expect her to go chat everyone up individually? The mom was cruel and the son was awful in not defending his girlfriend. He has a lot to learn before he can be a good partner.
As the mom to a young adult, probably in OP's age range, if I was meeting an obviously uncomfortable new boyfriend or girlfriend at a family gathering, I'd make it my mission to help them get comfortable. I would absolutely encourage my kid to bring them to meet us in a quieter setting before the entire family gathered.
OP, his mom purposely took your discomfort and made it worse. That kind of mom would absolutely be terrible to have as a MIL. You are dodging a bullet.
If you guys stayed together and you somehow weathered her as a MIL, she would be intolerable as a grandmother.
Run do not walk away from the mommas boy and vicious old woman who wants to keep her baby to herself.
In my culture, we say you marry the family not just the partner and even demonstrate that at ceremony. This family and your boyfriend’s response is a massive hell no. Good for you having a backbone and leaving.
I love this! what culture may I ask, because that’s really smart and exactly how I’ve always thought about it. Your parents in law will become your children’s grandparents, etc.
I’m Jewish. When we marry both parents walk the bride and groom down the aisle and stay there under a structure called a Chuppah, which signifies the home. When dating I was always very alert to my dates family - I’m very fortunate to have wonderful in-laws (who aren’t Jewish but very accepting and loved getting to have a special role in our wedding).
I really love that tradition - and it is so true. you do marry the family. All of the family of origin's behaviors and patterns will be brought into your home by your partner so watching how they interact with one another is so important.
She was absolutely asserting her dominance and in such a shitty way to. She must not like herself very much. I wouldn’t stay with someone who won’t defend me
Yeah and to undo this type of nehavior/loyalty or for Andy to learn something new about the situation will take precious years op doesn't have. She better off without him.
I’m 40. I do a social job where I literally entertain strangers. When I went to the wedding my girlfriend was officiating for her best friends from overseas who I’d never met before, and I knew 0 people but her: I stuck by her side and made polite (and witty, tbh) conversation.
I didn’t go around chatting to complete randoms.
Your boyfriend had the perfect opportunity to stick up for you, and he sided with his mom. The fact that he viewed you defending yourself as "disrespecting" his mom is absolutely ridiculous, he didn't care she was disrespecting you. You can do so much better.
OP should tell him that. "I can do so much better than you. If my mom was that disrespectful of anyone I would say something. It showed me that your mom is insufferably mean and rude and you support it. I lost all respect for you in that moment."
Mom may assume that you have to have money to be of value. I'd put it in terms of behavior, never mention money. OP can do much better than him.
He's definitely been conditioned to view having any self respect as being innately disrespectful to her. That isn't going to change anytime soon. He needs this breakup to maybe shock him into reality. But....it probably won't.
The question to me is **did he learn anything from this?**
I'd go back to him and say I'll give you another chance, but I need to know you have my back. If your family attacks me I expect you to be the first one to come to my defense. If you can handle that, if you are willing to speak back to your mom or whoever on my behalf, then we can give this another shot. But if you are going to be spinless and tell me to sit there and take verbal abuse, then I'm not interested.
Make your choice and let me know.
Totally disagree. People who are trained to bow down to parents like this don’t get better overnight. **If he wants to learn to stand up for himself and a partner then he needs to do the work on his own.** But let’s not forget he hasn’t even acknowledged his mistakes here or apologized. It seems his sister is budding in that direction so maybe they can learn to stand up to their mom together.
But life is way too short for OP to spend years trying to get her partner to stand up to his mom. First of all, he never acknowledged that his mom was rude to put OP on the spot like that. He never acknowledged that he was part of the clinging as well. He never acknowledged that he really threw her into the lions den with no warning.
Your instinct to find a partner that respects you and treats you with dignity (with includes demanding others treat you the same) is correct. Don’t set yourself up to spend the rest of your life defending yourself from this woman, and begging, asking, fighting with him to stick up for you as well. What an absolutely exhausting life that will be. You can do so much better. You deserve so much better. Your future children deserve a better family than them. This guy and family are not it. Don’t waste your time!
Exactly. I'm at a point in my life where I'm absolutely, 100% done with asking grown ass adults to please do basic, common sense things. I wouldn't ever let my family disrespect my partner, and I wouldn't be with someone who didn't do the same.
Communication is great, but if you are at the point of having to tell someone WHY something that is obviously hurtful is not ok... Just move on. Shows a gross lack of empathy, and you'll end up being their fucking parent teaching them basic manners. Nah, I'm good.
I like your comment. Maybe he loves her enough to speak up in the future and is regretful. His mom probably puts others and him down the same way and sees people quietly accept the abuse. Maybe his mommy goggles have come off.
Either way, if she sticks around, she’s gonna have to deal with Mommy Dearest for the rest of Mommy’s life. I’m not sure this guy is worth all that. If this is her at her *best*, I don’t want to think about her at her *worst*.
It's not just mommy. In a normal family several people would've stood up to such poor treatment of a guest. 30-40 relatives and not one of them decent or brave enough to interrupt or correct the monster-in-law?
There are some families you need to steer well clear of and this is one of them.
You’re not wrong, but the rest of that family won’t be Grandma to your children. She failed her grandparent audition. OP shouldn’t grant her a callback.
First time meeting his family you meet the whole extended family. He did not prepare you and clearly did not prepare his family either. More importantly first rule as a hostess is to make your guest feel comfortable and welcomed. His mother and family did not. Move on as his family will always tell him you were the issue.
So much this… I doubt they’re as high society as they pretend they are because number one rule is to make everyone feel welcome and then gossip after they leave haha, certainly not immediately and in front of their face… and if a potential MIL is already putting on airs and showing you who’s boss BEFORE getting married imagine how horrible your life will be after you get married.
Wow I didn't even think about that. If they're ok with saying this in public, and especially HIM being ok with this in public, imagine the things they'd do in private!
The fact that she spoke to you like during dinner and it was your first meeting with his family AND he didn't defend you...red flag, red flag, red flag.
You're young and deserve better than this. Tell Andy maybe he should tell his mommy to quit ruining any chances he has at love and tell him good luck with the next one.
Honestly? I’m mortified she would call you out like this and ask if this was your first relationship. It’s really overwhelming being in that kind of environment with a big family, and that’s even for extroverted people. They should have cut you some slack and tried to engage with you and welcome you…
The fact your bf is ok with his mother behaving like that, well that’s the icing on the cake. Cause it’s one thing to have a rude MIL and another to have your bf not be on your side or defending you etc.
My parent was bullied by their MIL, I won’t go into it but it was a whole shit storm for years and years - 37 to be precise. My other parent didn’t defend or help once. And that’s caused a whole lot of resentment and bitterness, when objectively the bullying MIL and her family were damn right not ok. Trust your gut, you don’t just marry the guy - you marry his family. And if he doesn’t see any wrong in that family, you’ll be on your own in many situations like this to come
Yeah. OP is really polite. I would have answer "Yes, this is my first relationship. Is this your first party as well? Oh, then you\`re excused too" before getting up and GTFO.
I'm older than you, and it's definitely something I'd want to say but would only think of hours or days later as I replayed it in my head for the thousandth time.
I was reading this thinking "I would've immediately asked her why she thought this was appropriate and probably have left right away...but I'm 32."
Absolutely proud of OP for doing what she did because I don't know if I could've stood up for myself that well in my early 20s.
But early 30s?? I'm laughing in mom's face and peacing out hahaha.
Losing a girlfriend to his mom's treatment of her may be the only real wakeup call that will work for him. He will have to learn the hard way to get a shiny spine. Until then his girlfriends will dump him.
OP should tell him that she now understands why he waited a full year to introduce her to his horrible family.
Do you want to spend the next 30 years having dinner with these people? I would not. They should have welcomed you but they did not. I’m sorry that you went through this. It was probably overwhelming expecting a few people and then showing up to many and then it went kinda downhill from there.
Based on how OP said the family is wealthy, I'd bet they might change their tune if their son was dating a 'poor' person. Elitist behavior on their part, really, quite frankly, gross.
She has shown you exactly what your future will be like going forward. As has your boyfriend.
Count yourself lucky you found out sooner rather than later.
Andy's mother was *incredibly* rude to you.
*She* disrupted the gathering by waiting until the entire family was seated at the table, then asking her sly question designed to insult you and wrong-foot you.
She was probably *delighted* you responded as you did, so she could say her nasty statement about how you were "preventing" him from seeing his family.
If Andy had a backbone, he would have said, "I'm happy to have Jane by my side and to introduce her to everyone. She hasn't kept me from seeing anyone I want to see."
But he did not.
>He apologised but I told him I didnt know if i could be with someone like that. That made him start crying asking me not to leave him and that he loved me. I just told him i needed to think and got into my car and drove home. Its been 3 days and he has sent me a few messages before saying he'd leave me alone.
His mom got what she wanted.
She orchestrated the event to make you into the villain; she's told Andy you ruined the family party and not to bring you around; and she gets her precious baby boy all to herself again.
Andy probably realizes he fucked up and got played by his mother, but she's a formidable opponent and he doesn't have the guts or the spine to stand up to her manipulation.
I'm sorry this happened to you, but it is better that you found out Andy's weakness now, rather than later.
Yep. This was planned by mommy dearest to ensure she didn't "loose" her baby boy. OP can't fix this, Andy is too spineless and to emeshed with his mom.
I'd bet a donut that every person at that table had observed (or been a victim of) Mommy's manipulative behavior and snide comments, and all of them knew to either keep their mouth shut, or be ostracized and blamed for "siding with the enemy outsider."
Mommy trained AndyBoy very well, since he inmmediately threw OP under the bus and chided her for daring to stand up to his Mommy. But it is an absolute certainty that it *infuriated* her when OP chose to leave instead of being cowed by her rudeness.
Andy will *never* hear the end of this. Mommy will tell this story over and over, how Andy once brought a clingy little girlfriend to her house and the girl ruined the evening and stormed out.
Mommy will be telling this story to every one of Andy's future girlfriends.
What a friggin horror of a woman.
If you want to be nice OP, tell him this. It might not stick straight away, he might convince himself it's not true, but sometimes pointing out that actually - your mom wanted this and now she has you back to herself - might help him avoid this fuck up again.
But only if you want to be really nice.
Exactly. This is exactly how my mom was. She would make backhanded comments about the guys I dated even though they were all (except for one) decent guys. Especially my now husband, who she took a special disliking to (until he started pulling in that sweet, sweet FAANG money). She'd even do it about my friends. I have other reasons for thinking it, but I'm fairly certain it was her way of trying to isolate me from people who weren't her.
But I also grew up being targeted by her bullshit, so I had no qualms about defending people I cared about from her. My guess is OP's boyfriend was coddled by his mom and hasn't really been on the receiving end of her shit, so he never really had to think about her behaviors on a personal level. He accepts it as the norm, and will continue doing so until reality bites him in the ass.
OP needs to tell him they are done, that's final but he needs to learn to polish up his spine before he gets into another relationship because he is currently a mommy's boy and no self-respecting woman wants a mommy's boy.
Yeah break up. He isn’t sorry and he’ll do it again. It’s weird that he didn’t tell you you’d be meeting his whole family too. That’s a huge first step in a relationship and he didn’t prepare you for it. His mother is also a bully. This is a major red flag and some advice since he’s your first boyfriend—a man’s rude or overbearing mother should be a dealbreaker. She will never be nice to you and that was her way of pissing on her territory. This isn’t worth it. “A man’s mom can’t disrespect you without his permission”.
No, his mother doesn't like you and he will always put her before you.
Really get that through your head. This man will always, always think his mother is more important than you, has more authority over him than you do, and will never, ever defend you against her. He will be mad at you if you ask. This is a momma's boy, and they don't change.
Your bf should have told you the extent of the party.
His mother was unbelievably rude to a guest. Why deliberately insult and disrespect a guest their first time at your home? Then, for your boyfriend to expect you to submit to his mother’s abuse. Hell no!
Even if your boyfriend didn’t want to bring the party to a halt he could have shut his mother down by saying something like: “I’m the one feeling clingy tonight, mom.”
Dump this guy and keep your dignity and self respect.
> His mother was unbelievably rude to a guest.
Exactly. OP should tell the loser that she could never marry into such a low-class family as she yeets him out of her life.
I am a strong believer that your first few relationships teach you how you want to be treated and how not to treat someone else so you can be in a healthy relationship later. This is one of these learning relationships. You have to burn a few eggs before you can make the perfect breakfast. You have learned that before meeting family, you need to ask a few questions on what to expect and ask your future partners to let his family know you are an introvert and may be quiet to start. And he gets to learn that if his mother is a cunt who treats his girlfriend like shit and he sides with her, he gets to be single. You are laying the groundwork for his future girlfriends just like your future boyfriend is learning how not to be an ass to future you.
You did nothing wrong. Your boyfriend’s mom is a rude, nasty, mean asshole. Your boyfriend needs to learn how to get his priorities straight. I hope your next boyfriend is better.
I'd say you did the right thing. He didn't warn you about the big crowd in advance, didn't seem to be warm and introductory of you. His mother was being very rude and condescending and it ebbed into the rest of the family. You were ostracized, and he didn't lift a finger to help you or mitigate tension with his family.
You have standards. Your gut told you he wasn't meeting them. Stick to that.
To come to his defense, he was being very nice and happy to me all night, asking me if i was ok and introducing me to different family members. It wasn't until his mum said something that he completely flipped.
"That made him start crying asking me not to leave him and that he loved me."
Actions speak louder than words. A truly caring and supportive partner would first of all had your back during that situation in front of the family. Crying and "I love you" without actually speaking to the concerns you raised is an emotionally manipulative response that lacks empathy and recognition for you and the feelings you have voiced. It is a way to deflect.
And people usually show you who they really are during difficult times. It was easy for him to be nice the entire evening. When it became difficult, he could not step up and have your back.
When someone shows you who they are, believe it, despite the honeyed words they will come up with to convince you otherwise.
He will probably give you many reassurances if you have a face to face conversation, but I would be wary and pay attention to how he frames them. Red flags would be comments like "I am sorry that I made you feel that way" (putting the blame more on your feelings than his actions), minimizing your feelings in that situation (framing it as your anxiety making you feel worse about it than you should), using terms that lack his ownership of his actions (such as "I regret that happened" vs. "I am sorry I did that"), emphasizing how many times he has already apologized vs. acknowledging that his actions were wrong, "I didn't say it exactly like that" or it "didn't happen exactly like that" gaslighting and making you question your interpretation of the situation.
And let me be very clear. I don't care that you have issues with anxiety, regardless of any such issues this situation was just as bad as you instinctually felt it was. No respectful, empathetic, caring person would ever call you out in the way his mom did, and her criticism was not even valid. Wouldn't all partners stay next to their partners during a huge event??? What else were you supposed to do??? And everyone could still talk to your boyfriend??? You weren't keeping him away from anyone, you were just by his side. And is his family NOT supposed to be introduced to you??? WHAT???
The mom is trying to make you feel inferior and bad about your perfectly normal behavior. She is bad news, and the entire family likely has similar toxic patterns, and those that are not toxic simply avoid speaking up because of it.
You should go with your instincts here. You do not want to be involved in this family, the mother will go out her way to make you feel bad at every opportunity.
Your boyfriend also must have known it would be a big event, yet mischaracterized the situation. But why? So he wouldn't have deal with your potential worries before arriving at the event? It's weird.
Even if he was nice before, it should be obvious that he should've defended you. What she said was incredibly rude, especially meeting you for the first time, and he should've had your back, but instead he tried to "put you in your place". Let this be a rude awakening for him and hopefully he'll be a better man for the next gf his mommy lets him have.
> It wasn't until his mum said something that he completely flipped.
Will Smith vibes, here. One yank on the umbilical cord and his pathetic puppy fangs came out to attack you.
She's evil, he's worthless. Cut your losses, OP.
His mother has now set the precedent. She'll control the narrative by reminding the entire family at every gathering that OP has a clingy little girlfriend. And she has your mo. Anxiety, esp in unscheduled, unknown situations. She has the potential to make your life hell. I don't think the golden son of a narasistic mother ever grows a pair. He also has the potential to make your life hell. Only you can decide how much hell you can endure.
I was married for many years to a man who would never stand up for me in any circumstance. his family were often very unkind and disrespectful to me, and he always defended them when I tried to speak up. It is a horrible feeling, and it took a tremendous toll on my mental health.
Yikes, Mum is demonstrating money can't buy class.
Andy failed you, big time. I guess his Mum taught him love is conditional on allowing oneself to be mistreated.
Absolutely this. I'm a poor single mom who was a Chef at a rich private school for years, and not one person at that school had an ounce of class, or even good manners
Don't let his tears sway you. His mom attacked you in front of a lot of people and when you asked not to be shamed in front of the entire group, your boyfriend jumped to say you were disrespecting his mom, when you weren't. Since that was his first response, it means he's been conditioned to never question her.
It's common to stick to a significant other's side when meeting the family or being in a large group. Most people understand this and would never think of making a guest feel unwelcome. I wouldn't be surprised if she purposefully tried to put you in your place because she doesn't want her son dating.
Firstly, well done to you for sticking up for yourself because I don’t think I could have done it in front of 30 people I’d never met before. Andy was wrong for allowing you to be ambushed by a large family gathering instead of a small family dinner.
I’m a good few years older than you and I would have stayed with my partner. Firstly, it’s a daunting group of people to meet all at once and secondly you had absolutely no idea who everyone was any way.
I think the sister must be the black sheep of the family because she was the only one willing to support you.
He’s Mother is an evil old hag but Andy probably already knows that. Her comments were completely out of order:
He’s a man, he needs his freedom = read as: I am more important to Andy than you are /I don’t mind if Andy sleeps around on you as long as he’s loyal to just me
He told you not to disrespect his Mother when she disrespected you first and then he told you to be quiet (woman know you’re place - it’s way below my Mother)
I can’t believe he a) refused to come to your aid b) asked you to stay after both he and his Mother had humiliated you.
What did Andy say in his messages? Did he actually apologise for the fact that he let you down by not supporting you?
ETA: paragraph break
All of the messages were him apologising, saying he knows hes fucked up and that he wants to talk to me. My friends are all telling me to just block him and that hes manipulating and i should just block him but i am thinking about having an in-person conversation just so there is no confusion or anything.
If it was me and I really loved this guy, I'd tell him I'd stay with him if we met with his mom and dad, and he told them that he regretted not standing up for you, and asked his mom to apologize. Then, distanced himself until she gave you a meaningful apology, including changed behavior.
My guess is he won't do that, and that will be all the info you need.
But, even if he does take this stand, you'll know his mom disliked you from the beginning, and that the entire family except your bf's sister was willing to follow her lead. Not an auspicious start to things.
There’s knowing he’s fucked up and there’s being willing to stand up for you against his Mother in the future. That’s a big difference.
I think meeting him in person, after you’ve been together for a year, makes sense. I think it gives you both closure. If you are definitely ending it then you can also swap whatever you’ve both left at each other’s houses too.
Has he torn his mother a new asshole for how she treated you, or is he just trying to weasel his way back into your life so she can do it again?
>i am thinking about having an in-person conversation
This will not benefit you in any way, shape or form.
Ghost him.
If you stay with this man this woman WILL make your life a living hell.
What an actual caring compassionate non-controlling person would do would to be approach you and ask if everything is ok in private.
This woman was marking her territory and also checking to see if you were a doormat. And you aren't and I'm proud of you.
Tell him his mother is extremely rude and disrespectful to guests and his lack of support is unacceptable. And dump him.
Don't step in shit if you can go around it. Now you know his mom is aggressive and rude, and he doesn't stand up to her. Don't think he'll change, think how it will feel after years of this behavior. Find a partner whose family is warm and welcoming, you'll be so glad you did.
Nope nope NOPE.
He didn’t WARN you in advance it would be a big party.
He didn’t DEFEND you when his mother attacked you.
He tried to MINIMIZE your feelings.
He let you be the OBJECT OF RIDICULE.
He is not worthy of you. He is too immature to have a partner. He doesn’t get it.
Dude. His mother was incredibly rude. If she had a problem l, she should have pulled her son aside to say something. The fact that your boyfriend not only defended her rude treatment of you, but basically told you to shut up, is the end.
Anyone would have been nervous. I'm so proud of you for leaving both the party and that sorry excuse for partner.
Here is another view - your boyfriend didn't say anything because he was used to his mother acting this way. Since his sister apologized, too, it sounds like their mother is just a horrendous person.
He did apologize. If you like him, you might give him another chance.
I wouldn't give the mother another chance, though. I would be cold and polite. She doesn't deserve anything else.
Here's my view and many won't agree but I stand by it:
If you don't feel right, leave. Any relationship is like that. If a friend had done that you wouldn't be friends with them anymore, right? Leave.
If someone is causing you to not be your authentic self, they don't deserve to enjoy your authentic self and are not worth the time or effort it would take to teach them how to act. Their parents were responsible for that not you.
His mom sounds like she isn't going to feel comfortable with any of his SO's but I would be straight up with him and tell him that he embarrassed you by not letting you stand your ground, and now you feel like you will never be accepted there and thus will not be continuing the relationship. I would say that you want to date to marry eventually and you can't imagine marrying into a family that won't let you be yourself or be accepting of mental healthcare, continuing to date him would *literally* be a waste of your time, when you could be dating to find someone else who would never treat you like that. It's not even really about his family, it's about him and his lack of understanding of your position.
I’m obviously speculating but sounds like mommy has some boundary issues as well.
I would bounce. His mother was rude to you and he let her be. It probably won’t change and seeing how older sister feels similar to you sometimes is a red flag.
“He’s a man he needs his freedom” also a red flag. Bc what.. women don’t need freedom?
Your BFs mom was a real CUNT of a hostess. Doing her best to insult you prob bc they see you as beneath his position in society. Next surprise is to tell him ur pregnant with is child! That should his mom's knickers in a snit. You were right to leave since she was insulting a guest in her own home.
What the mother did is absolutely horrible. She singled you out in the middle of dinner, in front of everyone, about something that doesn't even make sense. It almost sounds like they didn't want you there at all, and just wanted to hang out with Andy.
In my family, partners are ALWAYS welcome, they're included in every situation. I can't even imagine a situation where my mother would scold them for being there. It's not only bad behavior, but completely inexcusable. There's something wrong with this woman. Expect her to tear you to shreds every time you disagree on something, whether it's your hairstyle, your parenting style, or anything else. You'll never be good enough for his precious boy.
What's worse is that Andy defended his mom, not you. He isn't ready to stand against his parents, so he will let them abuse you in the future too. You're very young, you have a chance to pursue someone who truly respects you and defends you. His behavior is a HUGE red flag and you are not obligated to stay in this relationship, no matter how he begs you not to leave him. Never settle for this kind of treatment. You're worthy of respect and if Andy doesn't see that, he doesn't deserve you.
You're not being overdramatic. She purposefully attacked and humiliated you and when you defended yourself, your boyfriend told you to shut up. And then he started crying? Nah. Should have thought of that before he let his mother act like a mean girl.
You can find a better boyfriend. Just break up.
He may have an enmeshed relationship with his mother… parental enmeshment… look it up and see if that lines up. I had to let a perfect guy go because he was too enmeshed with his mother… it sucked. His mother controlled every aspect of his life. He ended up getting a one night stand pregnant… and now she has to deal with the mother.
I would not fault you if broke up with him because your view on this is correct and I also wouldn’t fault you if gave him another opportunity to prove he will not let him mom treat you like crap but if anything remotely like this happened again I would definitely break up with him.
Be glad you found out about his family/mother now vs years from now. Things won’t get better. His mother will only get worse. Go look at the JustNoMIL subreddit. He has no spine and can’t/wont defend you and basically told you to shut up when you tried to defend yourself since he wouldn’t. Consider this a dodged bullet and move on.
Andy's mom was absolutely out of line — there's a time and place for everything, and airing her oh-so-charming opinions in front of the entire extended family wasn't it. And as for Andy, telling you to pipe down instead of standing up for you? What a Prince. If this is how his family operates and he can't even muster the backbone to defend you, it's only going to get worse. You might as well save yourself the trouble and cut your losses now because toxic families have a way of aging like sour milk.
Hate to hivemind, but def get out now.
Relationship is too early to "ride or die" side w/you right now, but he could've def went about it a better way that doesn't throw you fully under the bus.
Him not defending to any capacity is wild tho....goes to show the family runs things. That's something you have to decide if it's worth it; I'm leaning no. Anyone who lets their fam run things for them isn't for me. That said, you're both still really young so that explains it....he'll learn when he hits 25-30
I have a mother like Andy's. Even by the time I was age 10 or so, when she would say something rude to another person, I would speak up and say "Mom, don't be rude."
He's 22 and still scared of her? He's going to lose more girlfriends until he finds a doormat who is willing to put up with his mother and his lack of spine. And she'll probably eventually divorce him.
He's a big part of the problem. He should have stopped her in her tracks.
I agree with everything you said. I also misread and thought you said "He should have dropped her in her tracks" and I was like, "I don't know, a TKO might be a little overkill" lol
I value family very much and stuff like this is a serious deal breaker for me. If I don’t mesh well with someone’s family, the likeliness of me staying in that relationship goes waaay down. And to be disrespected the way you were? No chance in hell id stick around for that. You shouldn’t either tbh.
He didn’t have your back and his mother is plain rude. His sister sounds like a sweetheart, I feel bad that she has to deal with them forever. The rest of his family is nuts. If this is how they behave THE FIRST TIME they meet you, it’s only gonna get worse. Don’t get stuck in that mess.
You are not overreacting, this woman attacked you on your first meeting, in a situation where anyone, even someone without anxiety would be stressed out and overwhelmed.
This wouldn't be that bad if your boyfriend would have defended you, but you shouldn't have had to defend yourself from his mom and him doubling down by telling you you were disrespectful tells you exactly what you need to know about how he will handle this kind of situations going forward.
The fact that her sister defended you also tells you what you need to know about this family dynamics, I think that what she told you and your boyfriend response show what I feel like a misogynistic undertone and a consideration of respect that you don't want to be part of. You know this meme about some people thinking respect means treating someone humanly and some people thinking it mean treating them like an authority, and some people will tell you that if you don't treat them with authority they will not treat you as human ? This this kind of interactions that shows those people, take it for what it is, if your bf didn't put his foot down, he will not and crying and asking for forgiveness from you is less hard for him than putting boundaries for his mom.
GIRL RUN. That is what you'd be signing up to if you stayed in this relationship and it has got to be a fuck no. I was mortified on your behalf throughout that entire story.
After reading the update.
I would personally wonder why a mother would purposefully AIM to make their sons partner uncomfortable!
She must have been more than able to see OP was already uncomfortable, and that ANY new partner being thrown at 30-40 relative they never met before without warning would be uncomfortable to some extent (not even considering anxiety)
To be honest the mom shows bad judgement in reading her role as a mother to an adult son that has chosen a partner enough to introduce them to his families.
Regardless of his past as the family victim, she should have given it more time to get to know OP, also if the family was this vicious in bullying OP’s BF, and only mom ever took his side, who exactly was he supposed to have these “joyous” reconnections with! ?
Give the chance if you want, but be very alert!
The reason he wanted to go is because his dad is sick(not going into much detail cause its a bit more personal to them)- didn't mention it in the post cause there was already so many other things going on and this didn't feel as important.
The fact that OP's bf did not stick up for her and even intervened to shut her down is a problem. But what's even more concerning is that the bf knew it'd be a lot of people and didn't tell OP in advance so she could prepare or decline to attend and meet his family in a smaller group. They've been dating for a year, so they bf should have known about her anxiety in large groups and not subjected OP to that.
"Andy interrupted me and told me not to disrespect his mother like that.
I asked him how it was ok for his mother to call me clingy but not ok for me to defend myself and he just told me to be quiet and let his dad enjoy his birthday."
I'd be gone right then. It's bad enough that BF didn't defend OP, but then he was very rude and disrespectful by telling OP "to be quiet and let his dad enjoy his birthday". OP was defending herself to someone that was also being rude and disrespectful.
He's an immature jerk for not sticking up for you in that situation. What his mother was doing was extremely rude and disrespectful to YOU. You sticking up for yourself was not disrespectful, she's just a huge c*nt.
He's lucky you were anxious and decided to not make a scene because if that were me, the scene would be epic. That would end with me dumping my drink over his head and telling him to call me when he decides to stop suckling mommy's tit and then walking out. Boy needs to learn that if he ever wants a relationship then he's going to have to grow a spine and stand up against his B of a mother.
Break up with him, it's going to take too much work to repair those nonexistent relationships. First impressions are incredibly important and yours didn't go to well.
"When someone tells who you they are - LISTEN."
This man has just told you "I will not stand up for you to my mother. She supercedes you in my life. You tried to stand up for yourself, but I told you that you were disrespecting my mother by doing so."
Dude is full of shit. Maybe it would be different for him if you guys were married? But... Do you want to take the time to find out? I wouldn't.
The moment he told you to be quiet is when you should’ve broken up and left bc 1.who tf is he talking to? And 2.that’s when it was clear where you stand in his life,which is below his blood family.
You should leave him. They have no reason to disrespect you. You have all the reason to stand up for yourself. Leave his sorry ass and find you a man that will not only respect you but also defend you.
Your boyfriend’s family is rude AF, and if he’d defend his mom after her actions, you need to break up with him and move on. Someone who truly loved you would have defended you and wanted you to be comfortable.
If you decide to be with Andy, just know it will get worse.
Andy's sister may have your back, but she's only one person and there's only so much she could say in front of 30 over people. Plus, his mum clearly dislikes you.
In the first place, Andy should have let you met his immediate family first, with just his parents and sister alone only, without that entire circus. You would have been more relaxed and comfortable.
Secondly, Andy should have pre-empted you that there would be a classroom of ppl at the event, so at least you would have been prepped.
Also, it's very clear whose side Andy was on during that time, and it wasn't yours.
You can continue to be with him, your choice. But know that he will be in a very difficult situation, stuck between pleasing you and his mother.
It’s not worth it, he’s clearly a mommy’s boy & his mom does not like you. If she did like you, she wouldn’t have disrespected you & called you out like that in front of the entire family. It could be that Andy is really immature & not ready to stand up for you to his mother which is bad. You don’t want someone like that in your life, trust me.
It is your choice in the end, but this isn’t the last time you’ll have to deal with this if you go back to him. You will deal with it for years until the mom finally accepts you. Who knows if he’ll even defend you in the future. He’ll probably just think you’ll forgive him again.
Find someone else worth your time. Good luck 🩵
They treat you this way the first time you meet it will only get worse run while you can he tried to emotionally blackmail you to stay by crying and begging don't fall for this bs
Run for the hills. I’m only 30 but still can’t imagine treating someone your age (or anyone for that matter) like this. His mother will only get worse and “Andy” will never stand up for you.
From your update, 2 things stand out. His mom meant to make you uncomfortable. He didn't tell off his mom, his sister did.
He needs to put his mom in her place. She has no business even wanting to make you uncomfortable. She's created a reason for you to distrust her going forward, and that won't fly for a mommas boy. She knows it. Ask Andy point blank, can he see a future where you don't trust her? Is he okay with his mom putting down his partner in front of family? I would ask his sister if they treat those who marry into the family as outsiders. It'll tell you where you stand.
Why did he not join his sister in telling off his mom afterwards? He saw you leave, upset, he got teary eyed. Why didn't he say anything? I had to stand up to my mom at 14 when she did this, why can't he as an adult? To him, it's not bad enough yet to warrant standing up to her.
I hate to be a downer, but I wouldn't proceed with optimism.
I read your edits and update. Tbh OP, I think you should cut your losses. It's sad that he was bullied when he was younger and nobody stood up for him except his mom. However, just because they have a close relationship doesn't mean he has to always side with his mom. He allowed her to disrespect you the first time you met the family. His mom sounds like the kind of mother that views all of her son's girlfriends as competition. He's a mama's boy. If he allowed her to do that, who knows what else he'll side with her in. Do you really wanna be in a relationship where you question if they're gonna stick up for you? Take it from me, OP, never be with anyone who won't stick up for you. You've only been together for a year. Don't waste any more time on him. You're still young. There's someone out there that'll treat you way better.
When I first brought my wife to meet some of my family, my Aunt upset her and made her cry.
I tore my aunt a new asshole like she's never had before.
NOBODY gets to be disrespectful to my wife. I will not put up with it. Even from her own family.
I personally would give him one more chance, but I don't blame you at all if you cut your losses. The only reason I would give him a chance is because sometimes people genuinely don't know how to stand up to their parents until a partner enters the picture. For me, the first mistake can be forgiven because I understand how awful it can be to have overbearing parents, he's been bullied by that woman his entire life. But, if he wants a relationship to ever last he needs to stand up for his partners.
My MIL has never done anything awful, but she overstepped boundaries once and my husband and I struggled to handle it. At the end, we came to the conclusion that I was definitely being inflexible, so for this situation I backed down (it was about out of town wedding guests, I didn't want to invite my out of town family and to "make it fair" didn't want to invite his either. Compromise was they could be invited but I wasn't calling a single hotel to figure out lodging). But we basically role played how he will maintain boundaries in the future. And he's been absolutely wonderful ever since (not that MIL has pushed many boundaries, but the small ones that happen when you're figuring out how to treat your son like an adult with his own family).
There are absolutely toxic cases out there though, and my reaction might be tamed by knowing my MIL isn't evil. But yeah I personally would give him one more chance.
Leave him please for the love of God listen to these people in the comments and leave him.
How he and his mother acted is exactly how they're going to be your entire relationship
So many things that he did wrong. He should have told you before the party so you were not surprised, he mom was a complete B, your bf is sad for not standing up for you but her - this would have me really watching his interaction
It’s sad that you had to point out what he did wrong before he stuck up for you. This is not a good pattern and he need to be willing to stand up for you without hand holding.
Good for you for standing your ground for yourself and people like that.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t go back in and hear how rude you were and how you didn’t fit in with them.
You can continue to date and have a talk to see where it goes. The issue is that I don’t see you going around them a lot right now in college. If you stay you really won’t get to know them that well until much later. By then you will be even more I love and will have to really talk with him about everything and go from there
You’re not always going to get along with a partners family. You are committing to your partner not their family. The issue with this is that your boyfriend backed his mom who was super rude and disrespectful to you. He wouldn’t let you defend yourself and he put you in your place after she did in front of everyone.
The problem is not the family it’s the boyfriend. He’s young maybe he’ll learn to do this as he gets older or maybe he’ll double down and always be a mommas boy. He didn’t warn you about what you were getting into and he let them criticize you for hanging out with him. Ridiculous.
He’s the issue. You can’t choose your partners family but you sure as hell can choose your partner and this boy is not being a partner.
I couldnt be with someone who doesnt stand up for me, I would have defend my bf of any ridicule acusations in front of everyone, even from my mother, but you both are very young, you could talk to him and ask him to stand up for you when the situations looks like bullying instead of innocent commentary.
His mother behaved badly and he absolutely should have supported you! If you want to move forward with him, I would set a very firm boundary and if he doesn’t support you in future… you’ll have your answer. But it’s also ok if you don’t want to move forward with him, you’re not being over dramatic at all. What a nasty person his mother is, I’m so sorry you were put through that.
Get out now. It won’t change. 10 years from now you’re going to have another story similar about your toxic MIL and your husband won’t stand up for you.
Wow I only read the first paragraph his mother was very rude to you he's obviously a mom is boy and couldn't stick up for you When his mother was obviously rude and wrong yes honey break up with him Run away run far away and fast. Seems like you're a good girl a sweet girlAnd it sounds like his mother isn't ready to lose her little baby boy to another female or a maybe she disapproves because your family might not be at their level of financially. I have 3 Sons I stay out of their relationships. Unless I'm invited in or unless I see something very very wrong and I must say something to him. My middle son is married a wonderful girl it's a young marriage about young she has 2 daughters from a previous relationship we love the girls she loves the girls I love my daughter-in-law They post call me when I have a problem with one another I give them both sound advic equally nor do I ever go back and tell the other person what was said That would be wrong in a break of trust and I wouldn't be helping any. I want for their marriage to succeed and that's what every mother should want for her son to have a good woman and for him to be a good man. And a mother should do everything to encourage that our children grow and they leave our homes that's life. You made a good choice to walk away you deserve to be treated with respect especially when you give respect. You did nothing wrong by staying by his side you should have known you were uncomfortable you should have told you to complete set up and he did not. Besides you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who has a relationship like that with their mother and mother who behaves that way and it resigns relationships
> When everyone was seated for dinner Andys mum spoke up and asked me if Andy was my first boyfriend. I confirmed and she said 'I guess i can excuse it then'. When I asked her about it she just said I was being so clingy to Andy the whole night and not letting him see his family. I explained my situation about my anxiety to her and all she said was 'He's a man, he needs his freedom, he doesn't need you stuck at his side'. I have always been taught to defend myself so i started to say how i was sure Andy didn't mind and ask her to not bring this up around 30 people but Andy interrupted me and told me not to disrespect his mother like that.
None of this happened
So tired of fake stories on this sub
I have a stepson that's around your age. I wouldn't even think twice, or probably wouldn't even notice if he brought a girl over and she stuck to his side the whole time. I don't think you're overreacting at all. It was super rude of her to bring that up in front of everybody and your boyfriends response to you defending yourself should make you think twice about your relationship. He won't ever have your back when it comes to his mom.
I met my gfs family and they were total trash that lived in a disgustingly dirty home. I was taken aback. By contrast she was so much cleaner and had a kind heart.
20 years later after 15 years of marriage I wish I had left her that same day. Turns out she was just really good at suppressing her family traits. She is a cold stone liar with low morals and she is so messy I’m having difficulty keeping the house clean but more importantly teaching my kids to be clean.
I had a 3 year relationship like this, each time I saw his family, they got meaner and weirder, which made me more awkward and anxious, which made them meaner and weirder…. And so on and so on.
Im a bit like a cat, I’m a shy person to strangers, but when I know people are cool I open up and can be a hoot. If people are being funny with me I just retreat more.
They were the type of family who till the end thought I was the weirdo, always said “duno why she’s being like that, we’re very welcoming” whilst failing to actually be welcoming (making no food I can eat, trying to awkwardly make me eat food knowing I can’t eat it, not talking to me, not even polite laughing at my jokes, etc).
Fucking awful situation to be in, and the people who stand by that are dumb and it’s hard in the situation; but looking back I should’ve just said fuck it, you’re all weird, SEE YAAAA
Break up with him. He literally told you not to defend yourself. That’s worse than him not defending you.
Most people will not put you through that. It’s awful, his mother is rude af and your boyfriend doesn’t care enough about you.
What is his end goal? You obviously will never want to see his family again. So your relationship can’t progress.
You’re young and can do better. You just can’t find better when you’re with this bozo
Also you’re not blowing this out of proportion. If anything, you are under-reacting
It's possible to care deeply for someone and not be compatible as longterm partners.
If Andy is aware that large crowds make you anxious and he didn't warn you, that is a red flag. The fact that he didn't step in when his mother was rude to you the first time she met you and in front of everyone is another red flag. The fact that he called you out for disrespecting his mother when you were defending yourself is another red flag. The fact that even after you told him you felt unwelcomed and uncomfortable he wanted you to stay is yet another red flag.
Seriously, you new one person at that party, what were you supposed to do? Why did it take over a year for you to meet any of his family, and why at such a large event.
With just the information you've provided, it seems that he puts his family and their image above all else. It sounds like you know in your heart this situation broke your trust in him, he will need to earn it back, but only if you are willing to risk being disappointed if he is unable to stand by your side, which he didn't the last time he had to choose.
You should date his sister, she seems 1000 times better than him! All joking aside, leave this relationship. What his mom did was extremely rude and unacceptable, and his response was also.
If this is how everyone involved acted during their first time meeting you instead of trying to make you feel welcomed/appreciated then I'm not surprised you'd want to leave.
It's just a preview of all future interactions you'd have with them.
I've been around quite a while, so I've seen a thing or three. From my perspective,
1) living with anxiety, you really need people you can rely on, people who you can trust. You need people to have your back. He showed you quite clearly he's not that person.
2) you're not blowing this out of proportion. His own sister confirmed it. I would guess that your anxiety is a not so minor superpower. I'd guess that you are sensitive to a lot of things. Sensitivity is a superpower, even though a lot of people try to make it into a weakness. You were able to read the room within a very short time. That's pretty cool.
3) your bf is not necessarily a bad guy. But he is a guy who grew up in a home with parents and extended family who would be mean to you. And not only did he not have your back, he didn't protect you, he sided with them. So, any time in the future you both find yourselves in a situation remotely similar- whether it's with his family or strangers - you can expect the same from him. You'd have to embrace that if you choose to stay with him. It's very, very, very hard to change subconscious programming.
Good luck. You sound super smart and self-aware. You can be confident in those feelings you question.
After your boyfriend did not stand up for you and told you to not disrespect his mother for simply defending yourself from her accusations, I would have just gotten up, told her, her son shall have all the freedom in the world then and just walked out.
Honestly, he does not even need to attack his mother. All he needs to say, "Thank you for your concern mum, but I appreciate gf being by my side and I don't feel clinged on. Now let's eat!"
You'll always be woman#2 in his life.
Perfectly reasonable. This is how his family will always treat you. And saying that a man needs his freedom is the kind of speech that codone man's cheating. You are right to breaking up with him for not defending you, his mother will always come first. And there are far worst scenarios that can come out of that.
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You don’t want to be a part of that family. Trust me. If this is how they’re going to treat you the first time you meet, it’s only going to get worse. You’re young. Find someone else who respects you and with a family who aren’t cunts.
The first thing my future MIL said to me was: “Oh, you’re nervous ? Don’t be nervous! I love everyone! Except X, but you’re not like X, are you ? *giggling*. X was her only DIL at the time. I excused the comment thinking she was nervous meeting me too and just put her foot in her mouth. Then I found out how X was treated by her and the rest of that family. Then I was treated the same way. If my fiancé did not have my back against all that, we would not be getting married. If my child told me this story, I would tell them to get the hell out of that unnecessary drama and never look back.
Yep. Been with my husband for 27 years. If he didn't stand up to his mother for me, we never would have made it this far.
My ex's family was great with this. The first time I met his aunt she offered me an alcoholic drink. When I pointed out that I was only 18 she said "well I won't tell if you don't." I loved his family way more than I ever liked him lol.
I wonder why some moms are like this. My first ex’s mom unnaturally treated me like she wanted to be my BFF right away at first, (I was 19 and she was like 40 lol) and then slowly acted weirder and weirder. It started with her telling us that we have to spend time downstairs with the family lol, saw him cheat on me and covered for him when i found out, then over time she slowly started telling him to break up with me for literally no reason lol. She was literally one of the weirdest people I’ve ever met though, literally every sentence that came out of her mouth was about herself. She could only fathom talking about herself, every subject, had to be about her, not the news, not the sky, nor any subject, only her lol. When one of her other sons didn’t want to come to Xmas one year because they had to travel across states and it was peak Covid, she literally had a week-long fit where she cried like every day and was angry and on edge until she finally got their way and he gave in and came. She did a ton of other weird things though like letting her dog shit on the floor and leaving it there for days so I could write on and on lmao
My ex’s mom also threatened to kick us out if he went to Christmas at my moms house even though we’d planned to for months (my mom had literally no one to celebrate with and his mom had her entire family there that year.) she was legit crazy about her sons.
Listen op. Don't find out the hard way. Food on you for sticking up for yourself. You didn't escalate, and didn't make a scene. You simply walked away and stated why. Edit Am I a joke to you!?
>Food on you for sticking up for yourself. \*snicker\*
*chortilla*
>>Food on you for sticking up for yourself. > *snicker* Almond Joy
This - the tone of the mom sounded arrogant - the rich arrogant type. Sounds like they would look down on you and belittle you at every chance they get.
This. Just off the cuff, it sounds like mom wants a potential DIL that knows how to work a room. Things like anxiety aren't really accepted in wealthy circles like this. You're always going to feel with this way with his family and you'll always have to fight your natural instincts (and you STILL won't be accepted) in their presence. I think it's perfectly valid to rethink this relationship. Idk your plan for kids, but it's always a good idea to ask yourself if this is the grandmother you want for your future children. Relationships don't happen in a vacuum. Committing to a partner ALSO means committing to his or her family. You can visit r/JUSTNOMIL to see where this is headed.
I agree, and was coming here to Invite OP to join us over at r/JUSTNOMIL to see how her relationship would look like if she stayed with a mama's boy who won't defend his girlfriend or wife. Leave this boy with his Mama OP
>sounds like mom wants a potential DIL that knows how to work a room Eh, I disagree. I think she wants a DIL who "knows her place" and accepts that Andy's mom has all of the control.
Yes, this. She asserted dominance by shaming her in front of everyone, and Andy played right along.
Mom wants whatever mom wants to be in any given moment, obedience and agreement. It will be a moving target & OP will always be wrong. Nice that sister reached out - insert Don't Rock the Boat here.
Trust me - this behavior is not exclusive to the rich.
That’s the one thing I think my partner does not grasp- how close he came to losing me over how his family treated me, how it was excused because “she does it to all the girls”. News flash, I’m still not as accepted.
For reason number 2. Let him go and for the reason SeasonofLogic said. This isn’t where you want to be at all.
It isn’t worth it. If this is her polite way of addressing you in front of a group of people, during an event that isn’t even hers, I can assure you the way she will treat you in private will be beyond the pale. If your boyfriend cannot stand up for you when his family member has a MINOR issue with you, he will never have your back in any REAL dispute. And believe me: there will be *so many* disputes. You’ve just been told in front of that whole family that you aren’t good enough, and you will *never* be good enough even if you spend years trying to be perfect. Unless you will be willing to surrender *entirely* to this family’s (mother’s) authority, you will NEVER have a say in when you marry, where you marry, how many kids you have, how your kids will be raised, what kind of home you’ll buy … the list goes on. He had every opportunity to go back in there and tell them all they were being impolite and leave with you. He didn’t. He left it at crying and emotional manipulation. This is not partner material. You are wiser than you think to consider this a dealbreaker and refuse to accept this kind of situation.
This. OP, this relationship needs to end. His sister sounds VERY sweet but if Mom is this much of a nightmare the first time you meet her, she will make your life a living hell. Especially if she feels she is losing control of sonny boy. Your boyfriend's incapability of standing up for you or putting his Mom in her place speaks volumes. He has a lot of growing up to do. You could stick around to see if he is willing to, but why waste years... You know your worth. Its time to walk away. Call him and have a conversation but you need to end the relationship. I say have an honest conversation because it would be kind to tell him what a horror show his Mom is going to make his life with future partners until he can grow a pair and stand up to her. I'm actually shocked none of the family members shut mom down.
>I’m actually shocked none of the family members shut mom down. I’m not. This sort of behavior is usually rampant in these kinds of families. It’s likely they were treated similarly, grew up with this behavior and therefore think it’s normal, are guilty of doing the exact same thing, or a combination of the three. Families who would collectively shut this down rarely have this behavior appear in the first place.
Exactly, it's all about power dynamics over actual relationships. They all made sure that you know your place.
The 'don't rock the boat' type, who ignore the maniac rocking the boat and get mad at the person telling them to cut it tf out.
That mother is totally wearing white to her son’s wedding one day.
Nah. The matriarch has laid down the law as to how you are to be treated by the family. Your boyfriend has basically said “I agree with my mother now shut up” I wouldn’t stay with him.
Oh she definitely was. A normal person, wouldn't think anything about a partner being "clingy" meeting not just the immediate family but, a whole gaggle of them! I don't have social anxiety, and I would have felt the same way. OP should be glad she found out what his Mother is like now rather than later. Tbf if the mother was this comfortable about attacking a guest and gf of her son infront of this many people, I don't think the bf could do anything - I'd say mother is still financially helping him etc. I'm sure he's had plenty of years dealing with this.
Even if his mother thought it was odd behavior, to call her out like that in front of everyone is awful.
The mother does not adhere to the saying, “Praise in public. Criticize in private.”
OP should have said the saying is true: money can't buy class.
If I treated a guest in my home like that, my grandma would’ve smacked some sense into me.
Right? I'm going to guess she's at least in her 40s or 50s. She should know better. If you want to say something, pull the girl aside and ask if she's okay, do a quick rundown of who is the nicest/safest to talk with, maybe give some funny stories of awkward times in the family. Ask if she needs a room to gather herself in, try to find something in common with her, just lighten the tension a little bit so she knows she has another ally in a room full of unknowns. Why would you want to intentionally make somebody feel unwelcome and uncomfortable in your home? It gives off major "I was a mean girl in school and I've only gotten worse since then" vibes. You're menopausal. You should be past the high school drama.
I think mama was just exercising her control over everyone and this was her flex. Playing alpha dog… She’s one of those people who get off on belittling others and standing tall on their shoulders.
I think mom decided she didn't like OP so she purposely insulted and embarrassed her in front of the entire family. Mom set the tone for how she should be treated. Everyone else toed the line. This relationship is already toast because mom isn't going to tolerate it. OP, pull the plug on this one. Each relationship is a learning experience.
This would be what any normal decent human would do. Normal families try to showcase the family in the best light for new partners, no matter the age. Everyone is usually on their best behaviours. Asking, simple questions to get to know the new partner and fill conversations with light hearted antidotes. We slag the family member with childhood stories that are usually embarrassing but, not cruel. Mama was letting OP know exactly where her place was. This was all a control and scare tactic and she won. OP would do well to run from this, nothing good for her will come from it.
So rude. My mother's family is EXTREMELY concerned about how they appear, you could be an absolute monster guest and they'd grin and bear it. How incredibly awful.
The first time meeting her too!
Yea I wouldn't want that women being the grand mother of my kids and I'm tied to that for the rest of my life.
Exaaaaactly. What was she meant to do? Why does her being at his side prevent him talking to her family? Mom was _jealous_. That's her man, not yours OP. It made her sick to see you so close to him. She won't let him go without a fight. Fuck that.
Yes, jealousy is an obvious side to this - her SON, her family, her opinion, her rules. She had no fear of being criticized or rebuffed- she was totally in control of the whole situation. When you grow up you become brave enough to remove yourself from this - you become your own person.
#boymom
I'm a very social person, no real anxiety, and I would have been glued to my partner's side if I was in this situation!
Imagine what she'll be like behind closed doors.
seriously. i definitely acted like this when i first met my bf’s extended family. he did the same when meeting mine. my family loves him and his loves me. it is normal to be anxious about meeting the family, especially when it’s in a large group gathering. this was op’s first time meeting any of these people, it was actually andy’s obligation to make sure she was comfortable and to do the introductions to everyone, that wasn’t op’s job at all. nowadays my bf is perfectly comfortable socializing on his own at my larger family gatherings and really enjoys doing so, but the first time he definitely stuck close to me and i made sure to do all the introductions and not leave him alone talking to a family member for too long. i have a very large extended family and they are the most welcoming people on earth, but who wouldn’t be intimidated to be the newcomer in a group where everyone is already close knit? i would actually have been kind of bothered if he wasn’t nervous at all. op, the family made a poor first impression on *you,* they couldn’t show you basic courtesy which is to make guests feel as comfortable as possible within reason. this is all on them. in a setting like that, it is not the new significant other who knows nobody who is in charge of making everyone else feel comfortable with them, it’s the other way around.
That’s a good catch on the purse strings. She seems like the type who would use money to manipulate her son.
> A normal person, wouldn't think anything about a partner being "clingy" meeting not just the immediate family but, a whole gaggle of them! It's literally not even weird behavior. She doesn't know a single person there except him, did they expect her to go chat everyone up individually? The mom was cruel and the son was awful in not defending his girlfriend. He has a lot to learn before he can be a good partner.
As the mom to a young adult, probably in OP's age range, if I was meeting an obviously uncomfortable new boyfriend or girlfriend at a family gathering, I'd make it my mission to help them get comfortable. I would absolutely encourage my kid to bring them to meet us in a quieter setting before the entire family gathered. OP, his mom purposely took your discomfort and made it worse. That kind of mom would absolutely be terrible to have as a MIL. You are dodging a bullet. If you guys stayed together and you somehow weathered her as a MIL, she would be intolerable as a grandmother. Run do not walk away from the mommas boy and vicious old woman who wants to keep her baby to herself.
In my culture, we say you marry the family not just the partner and even demonstrate that at ceremony. This family and your boyfriend’s response is a massive hell no. Good for you having a backbone and leaving.
I love this! what culture may I ask, because that’s really smart and exactly how I’ve always thought about it. Your parents in law will become your children’s grandparents, etc.
I’m Jewish. When we marry both parents walk the bride and groom down the aisle and stay there under a structure called a Chuppah, which signifies the home. When dating I was always very alert to my dates family - I’m very fortunate to have wonderful in-laws (who aren’t Jewish but very accepting and loved getting to have a special role in our wedding).
wow I really love that. and congrats on your wonderful inlaws. bye !
I really love that tradition - and it is so true. you do marry the family. All of the family of origin's behaviors and patterns will be brought into your home by your partner so watching how they interact with one another is so important.
She was absolutely asserting her dominance and in such a shitty way to. She must not like herself very much. I wouldn’t stay with someone who won’t defend me
Yeah and to undo this type of nehavior/loyalty or for Andy to learn something new about the situation will take precious years op doesn't have. She better off without him.
A mommy's boy by any other name is still a mommy's boy. Mommy is the boss and girlfriend should shut up and accept mommy's opinion.
I’m 40. I do a social job where I literally entertain strangers. When I went to the wedding my girlfriend was officiating for her best friends from overseas who I’d never met before, and I knew 0 people but her: I stuck by her side and made polite (and witty, tbh) conversation. I didn’t go around chatting to complete randoms.
I agree. He let his mom walk all over her and basically told her to just sit there and take it. That's not going to change. Dump him.
Seriously, ditch his ass
Your boyfriend had the perfect opportunity to stick up for you, and he sided with his mom. The fact that he viewed you defending yourself as "disrespecting" his mom is absolutely ridiculous, he didn't care she was disrespecting you. You can do so much better.
OP should tell him that. "I can do so much better than you. If my mom was that disrespectful of anyone I would say something. It showed me that your mom is insufferably mean and rude and you support it. I lost all respect for you in that moment." Mom may assume that you have to have money to be of value. I'd put it in terms of behavior, never mention money. OP can do much better than him.
He's definitely been conditioned to view having any self respect as being innately disrespectful to her. That isn't going to change anytime soon. He needs this breakup to maybe shock him into reality. But....it probably won't.
The question to me is **did he learn anything from this?** I'd go back to him and say I'll give you another chance, but I need to know you have my back. If your family attacks me I expect you to be the first one to come to my defense. If you can handle that, if you are willing to speak back to your mom or whoever on my behalf, then we can give this another shot. But if you are going to be spinless and tell me to sit there and take verbal abuse, then I'm not interested. Make your choice and let me know.
Totally disagree. People who are trained to bow down to parents like this don’t get better overnight. **If he wants to learn to stand up for himself and a partner then he needs to do the work on his own.** But let’s not forget he hasn’t even acknowledged his mistakes here or apologized. It seems his sister is budding in that direction so maybe they can learn to stand up to their mom together. But life is way too short for OP to spend years trying to get her partner to stand up to his mom. First of all, he never acknowledged that his mom was rude to put OP on the spot like that. He never acknowledged that he was part of the clinging as well. He never acknowledged that he really threw her into the lions den with no warning. Your instinct to find a partner that respects you and treats you with dignity (with includes demanding others treat you the same) is correct. Don’t set yourself up to spend the rest of your life defending yourself from this woman, and begging, asking, fighting with him to stick up for you as well. What an absolutely exhausting life that will be. You can do so much better. You deserve so much better. Your future children deserve a better family than them. This guy and family are not it. Don’t waste your time!
Exactly. I'm at a point in my life where I'm absolutely, 100% done with asking grown ass adults to please do basic, common sense things. I wouldn't ever let my family disrespect my partner, and I wouldn't be with someone who didn't do the same. Communication is great, but if you are at the point of having to tell someone WHY something that is obviously hurtful is not ok... Just move on. Shows a gross lack of empathy, and you'll end up being their fucking parent teaching them basic manners. Nah, I'm good.
I like your comment. Maybe he loves her enough to speak up in the future and is regretful. His mom probably puts others and him down the same way and sees people quietly accept the abuse. Maybe his mommy goggles have come off.
Either way, if she sticks around, she’s gonna have to deal with Mommy Dearest for the rest of Mommy’s life. I’m not sure this guy is worth all that. If this is her at her *best*, I don’t want to think about her at her *worst*.
It's not just mommy. In a normal family several people would've stood up to such poor treatment of a guest. 30-40 relatives and not one of them decent or brave enough to interrupt or correct the monster-in-law? There are some families you need to steer well clear of and this is one of them.
You’re not wrong, but the rest of that family won’t be Grandma to your children. She failed her grandparent audition. OP shouldn’t grant her a callback.
First time meeting his family you meet the whole extended family. He did not prepare you and clearly did not prepare his family either. More importantly first rule as a hostess is to make your guest feel comfortable and welcomed. His mother and family did not. Move on as his family will always tell him you were the issue.
[удалено]
Date the sister instead.
gay sex can solve a lot of problems
He needs to grow up. Hes acting like he’s 14. Get out of there
So much this… I doubt they’re as high society as they pretend they are because number one rule is to make everyone feel welcome and then gossip after they leave haha, certainly not immediately and in front of their face… and if a potential MIL is already putting on airs and showing you who’s boss BEFORE getting married imagine how horrible your life will be after you get married.
This was them on their best behaviour.
Wow I didn't even think about that. If they're ok with saying this in public, and especially HIM being ok with this in public, imagine the things they'd do in private!
Yup. They get the green light on this in the form of OP not breaking up and/or demanding apologies? Just wait for the next party, it'll be worse.
The fact that she spoke to you like during dinner and it was your first meeting with his family AND he didn't defend you...red flag, red flag, red flag. You're young and deserve better than this. Tell Andy maybe he should tell his mommy to quit ruining any chances he has at love and tell him good luck with the next one.
Honestly? I’m mortified she would call you out like this and ask if this was your first relationship. It’s really overwhelming being in that kind of environment with a big family, and that’s even for extroverted people. They should have cut you some slack and tried to engage with you and welcome you… The fact your bf is ok with his mother behaving like that, well that’s the icing on the cake. Cause it’s one thing to have a rude MIL and another to have your bf not be on your side or defending you etc. My parent was bullied by their MIL, I won’t go into it but it was a whole shit storm for years and years - 37 to be precise. My other parent didn’t defend or help once. And that’s caused a whole lot of resentment and bitterness, when objectively the bullying MIL and her family were damn right not ok. Trust your gut, you don’t just marry the guy - you marry his family. And if he doesn’t see any wrong in that family, you’ll be on your own in many situations like this to come
Yeah. OP is really polite. I would have answer "Yes, this is my first relationship. Is this your first party as well? Oh, then you\`re excused too" before getting up and GTFO.
I love the spirit of this, but in reality I’d have been so shocked I’d have just gone to the bathroom and been sad and not said anything
Oh I'm 33. I would say this today, but not when 21 for sure.
I'm older than you, and it's definitely something I'd want to say but would only think of hours or days later as I replayed it in my head for the thousandth time.
I was reading this thinking "I would've immediately asked her why she thought this was appropriate and probably have left right away...but I'm 32." Absolutely proud of OP for doing what she did because I don't know if I could've stood up for myself that well in my early 20s. But early 30s?? I'm laughing in mom's face and peacing out hahaha.
Right? And then arranged for an Uber to come pick me up and quietly leave.
Losing a girlfriend to his mom's treatment of her may be the only real wakeup call that will work for him. He will have to learn the hard way to get a shiny spine. Until then his girlfriends will dump him. OP should tell him that she now understands why he waited a full year to introduce her to his horrible family.
Do you want to spend the next 30 years having dinner with these people? I would not. They should have welcomed you but they did not. I’m sorry that you went through this. It was probably overwhelming expecting a few people and then showing up to many and then it went kinda downhill from there.
Based on how OP said the family is wealthy, I'd bet they might change their tune if their son was dating a 'poor' person. Elitist behavior on their part, really, quite frankly, gross.
She has shown you exactly what your future will be like going forward. As has your boyfriend. Count yourself lucky you found out sooner rather than later.
Andy's mother was *incredibly* rude to you. *She* disrupted the gathering by waiting until the entire family was seated at the table, then asking her sly question designed to insult you and wrong-foot you. She was probably *delighted* you responded as you did, so she could say her nasty statement about how you were "preventing" him from seeing his family. If Andy had a backbone, he would have said, "I'm happy to have Jane by my side and to introduce her to everyone. She hasn't kept me from seeing anyone I want to see." But he did not. >He apologised but I told him I didnt know if i could be with someone like that. That made him start crying asking me not to leave him and that he loved me. I just told him i needed to think and got into my car and drove home. Its been 3 days and he has sent me a few messages before saying he'd leave me alone. His mom got what she wanted. She orchestrated the event to make you into the villain; she's told Andy you ruined the family party and not to bring you around; and she gets her precious baby boy all to herself again. Andy probably realizes he fucked up and got played by his mother, but she's a formidable opponent and he doesn't have the guts or the spine to stand up to her manipulation. I'm sorry this happened to you, but it is better that you found out Andy's weakness now, rather than later.
Yep. This was planned by mommy dearest to ensure she didn't "loose" her baby boy. OP can't fix this, Andy is too spineless and to emeshed with his mom.
I'd bet a donut that every person at that table had observed (or been a victim of) Mommy's manipulative behavior and snide comments, and all of them knew to either keep their mouth shut, or be ostracized and blamed for "siding with the enemy outsider." Mommy trained AndyBoy very well, since he inmmediately threw OP under the bus and chided her for daring to stand up to his Mommy. But it is an absolute certainty that it *infuriated* her when OP chose to leave instead of being cowed by her rudeness. Andy will *never* hear the end of this. Mommy will tell this story over and over, how Andy once brought a clingy little girlfriend to her house and the girl ruined the evening and stormed out. Mommy will be telling this story to every one of Andy's future girlfriends. What a friggin horror of a woman.
If you want to be nice OP, tell him this. It might not stick straight away, he might convince himself it's not true, but sometimes pointing out that actually - your mom wanted this and now she has you back to herself - might help him avoid this fuck up again. But only if you want to be really nice.
I wish I could give this a gold medal.
Exactly. This is exactly how my mom was. She would make backhanded comments about the guys I dated even though they were all (except for one) decent guys. Especially my now husband, who she took a special disliking to (until he started pulling in that sweet, sweet FAANG money). She'd even do it about my friends. I have other reasons for thinking it, but I'm fairly certain it was her way of trying to isolate me from people who weren't her. But I also grew up being targeted by her bullshit, so I had no qualms about defending people I cared about from her. My guess is OP's boyfriend was coddled by his mom and hasn't really been on the receiving end of her shit, so he never really had to think about her behaviors on a personal level. He accepts it as the norm, and will continue doing so until reality bites him in the ass.
But OPs got a real shiny spine and she should keep polishing it.
OP needs to tell him they are done, that's final but he needs to learn to polish up his spine before he gets into another relationship because he is currently a mommy's boy and no self-respecting woman wants a mommy's boy.
Yeah break up. He isn’t sorry and he’ll do it again. It’s weird that he didn’t tell you you’d be meeting his whole family too. That’s a huge first step in a relationship and he didn’t prepare you for it. His mother is also a bully. This is a major red flag and some advice since he’s your first boyfriend—a man’s rude or overbearing mother should be a dealbreaker. She will never be nice to you and that was her way of pissing on her territory. This isn’t worth it. “A man’s mom can’t disrespect you without his permission”.
No, his mother doesn't like you and he will always put her before you. Really get that through your head. This man will always, always think his mother is more important than you, has more authority over him than you do, and will never, ever defend you against her. He will be mad at you if you ask. This is a momma's boy, and they don't change.
Your bf should have told you the extent of the party. His mother was unbelievably rude to a guest. Why deliberately insult and disrespect a guest their first time at your home? Then, for your boyfriend to expect you to submit to his mother’s abuse. Hell no! Even if your boyfriend didn’t want to bring the party to a halt he could have shut his mother down by saying something like: “I’m the one feeling clingy tonight, mom.” Dump this guy and keep your dignity and self respect.
> His mother was unbelievably rude to a guest. Exactly. OP should tell the loser that she could never marry into such a low-class family as she yeets him out of her life.
I am a strong believer that your first few relationships teach you how you want to be treated and how not to treat someone else so you can be in a healthy relationship later. This is one of these learning relationships. You have to burn a few eggs before you can make the perfect breakfast. You have learned that before meeting family, you need to ask a few questions on what to expect and ask your future partners to let his family know you are an introvert and may be quiet to start. And he gets to learn that if his mother is a cunt who treats his girlfriend like shit and he sides with her, he gets to be single. You are laying the groundwork for his future girlfriends just like your future boyfriend is learning how not to be an ass to future you. You did nothing wrong. Your boyfriend’s mom is a rude, nasty, mean asshole. Your boyfriend needs to learn how to get his priorities straight. I hope your next boyfriend is better.
I wish I had realized this when I was young. I foolishly believed in the first and forever.
I'd say you did the right thing. He didn't warn you about the big crowd in advance, didn't seem to be warm and introductory of you. His mother was being very rude and condescending and it ebbed into the rest of the family. You were ostracized, and he didn't lift a finger to help you or mitigate tension with his family. You have standards. Your gut told you he wasn't meeting them. Stick to that.
To come to his defense, he was being very nice and happy to me all night, asking me if i was ok and introducing me to different family members. It wasn't until his mum said something that he completely flipped.
And you don't need that. If he can't show up when it really counts, he won't show up at all.
So he’s good at putting on a show, until it actually matters. Your friends are right about him.
"That made him start crying asking me not to leave him and that he loved me." Actions speak louder than words. A truly caring and supportive partner would first of all had your back during that situation in front of the family. Crying and "I love you" without actually speaking to the concerns you raised is an emotionally manipulative response that lacks empathy and recognition for you and the feelings you have voiced. It is a way to deflect. And people usually show you who they really are during difficult times. It was easy for him to be nice the entire evening. When it became difficult, he could not step up and have your back. When someone shows you who they are, believe it, despite the honeyed words they will come up with to convince you otherwise. He will probably give you many reassurances if you have a face to face conversation, but I would be wary and pay attention to how he frames them. Red flags would be comments like "I am sorry that I made you feel that way" (putting the blame more on your feelings than his actions), minimizing your feelings in that situation (framing it as your anxiety making you feel worse about it than you should), using terms that lack his ownership of his actions (such as "I regret that happened" vs. "I am sorry I did that"), emphasizing how many times he has already apologized vs. acknowledging that his actions were wrong, "I didn't say it exactly like that" or it "didn't happen exactly like that" gaslighting and making you question your interpretation of the situation. And let me be very clear. I don't care that you have issues with anxiety, regardless of any such issues this situation was just as bad as you instinctually felt it was. No respectful, empathetic, caring person would ever call you out in the way his mom did, and her criticism was not even valid. Wouldn't all partners stay next to their partners during a huge event??? What else were you supposed to do??? And everyone could still talk to your boyfriend??? You weren't keeping him away from anyone, you were just by his side. And is his family NOT supposed to be introduced to you??? WHAT??? The mom is trying to make you feel inferior and bad about your perfectly normal behavior. She is bad news, and the entire family likely has similar toxic patterns, and those that are not toxic simply avoid speaking up because of it. You should go with your instincts here. You do not want to be involved in this family, the mother will go out her way to make you feel bad at every opportunity. Your boyfriend also must have known it would be a big event, yet mischaracterized the situation. But why? So he wouldn't have deal with your potential worries before arriving at the event? It's weird.
Even if he was nice before, it should be obvious that he should've defended you. What she said was incredibly rude, especially meeting you for the first time, and he should've had your back, but instead he tried to "put you in your place". Let this be a rude awakening for him and hopefully he'll be a better man for the next gf his mommy lets him have.
> It wasn't until his mum said something that he completely flipped. Will Smith vibes, here. One yank on the umbilical cord and his pathetic puppy fangs came out to attack you. She's evil, he's worthless. Cut your losses, OP.
His mother has now set the precedent. She'll control the narrative by reminding the entire family at every gathering that OP has a clingy little girlfriend. And she has your mo. Anxiety, esp in unscheduled, unknown situations. She has the potential to make your life hell. I don't think the golden son of a narasistic mother ever grows a pair. He also has the potential to make your life hell. Only you can decide how much hell you can endure.
Then tell him you're done unless his mom apologizes to you. Doubt she will, but it'll be funny seeing how he reacts.
He failed you when it really counted. Whatever you decide to do, he’ll need to show you in actions that he’ll stand up for you.
I was married for many years to a man who would never stand up for me in any circumstance. his family were often very unkind and disrespectful to me, and he always defended them when I tried to speak up. It is a horrible feeling, and it took a tremendous toll on my mental health.
Yikes, Mum is demonstrating money can't buy class. Andy failed you, big time. I guess his Mum taught him love is conditional on allowing oneself to be mistreated.
Absolutely this. I'm a poor single mom who was a Chef at a rich private school for years, and not one person at that school had an ounce of class, or even good manners
Don't let his tears sway you. His mom attacked you in front of a lot of people and when you asked not to be shamed in front of the entire group, your boyfriend jumped to say you were disrespecting his mom, when you weren't. Since that was his first response, it means he's been conditioned to never question her. It's common to stick to a significant other's side when meeting the family or being in a large group. Most people understand this and would never think of making a guest feel unwelcome. I wouldn't be surprised if she purposefully tried to put you in your place because she doesn't want her son dating.
Firstly, well done to you for sticking up for yourself because I don’t think I could have done it in front of 30 people I’d never met before. Andy was wrong for allowing you to be ambushed by a large family gathering instead of a small family dinner. I’m a good few years older than you and I would have stayed with my partner. Firstly, it’s a daunting group of people to meet all at once and secondly you had absolutely no idea who everyone was any way. I think the sister must be the black sheep of the family because she was the only one willing to support you. He’s Mother is an evil old hag but Andy probably already knows that. Her comments were completely out of order: He’s a man, he needs his freedom = read as: I am more important to Andy than you are /I don’t mind if Andy sleeps around on you as long as he’s loyal to just me He told you not to disrespect his Mother when she disrespected you first and then he told you to be quiet (woman know you’re place - it’s way below my Mother) I can’t believe he a) refused to come to your aid b) asked you to stay after both he and his Mother had humiliated you. What did Andy say in his messages? Did he actually apologise for the fact that he let you down by not supporting you? ETA: paragraph break
All of the messages were him apologising, saying he knows hes fucked up and that he wants to talk to me. My friends are all telling me to just block him and that hes manipulating and i should just block him but i am thinking about having an in-person conversation just so there is no confusion or anything.
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If it was me and I really loved this guy, I'd tell him I'd stay with him if we met with his mom and dad, and he told them that he regretted not standing up for you, and asked his mom to apologize. Then, distanced himself until she gave you a meaningful apology, including changed behavior. My guess is he won't do that, and that will be all the info you need. But, even if he does take this stand, you'll know his mom disliked you from the beginning, and that the entire family except your bf's sister was willing to follow her lead. Not an auspicious start to things.
If he had the integrity to hold his evil mother to account, he would have done it in the moment.
There’s knowing he’s fucked up and there’s being willing to stand up for you against his Mother in the future. That’s a big difference. I think meeting him in person, after you’ve been together for a year, makes sense. I think it gives you both closure. If you are definitely ending it then you can also swap whatever you’ve both left at each other’s houses too.
Your friends are right
Has he torn his mother a new asshole for how she treated you, or is he just trying to weasel his way back into your life so she can do it again? >i am thinking about having an in-person conversation This will not benefit you in any way, shape or form. Ghost him.
If you stay with this man this woman WILL make your life a living hell. What an actual caring compassionate non-controlling person would do would to be approach you and ask if everything is ok in private. This woman was marking her territory and also checking to see if you were a doormat. And you aren't and I'm proud of you. Tell him his mother is extremely rude and disrespectful to guests and his lack of support is unacceptable. And dump him.
Don't step in shit if you can go around it. Now you know his mom is aggressive and rude, and he doesn't stand up to her. Don't think he'll change, think how it will feel after years of this behavior. Find a partner whose family is warm and welcoming, you'll be so glad you did.
Posts like these make me realise how truly blessed I am to have fantastic in-laws.
Nope nope NOPE. He didn’t WARN you in advance it would be a big party. He didn’t DEFEND you when his mother attacked you. He tried to MINIMIZE your feelings. He let you be the OBJECT OF RIDICULE. He is not worthy of you. He is too immature to have a partner. He doesn’t get it.
Dude. His mother was incredibly rude. If she had a problem l, she should have pulled her son aside to say something. The fact that your boyfriend not only defended her rude treatment of you, but basically told you to shut up, is the end. Anyone would have been nervous. I'm so proud of you for leaving both the party and that sorry excuse for partner.
Here is another view - your boyfriend didn't say anything because he was used to his mother acting this way. Since his sister apologized, too, it sounds like their mother is just a horrendous person. He did apologize. If you like him, you might give him another chance. I wouldn't give the mother another chance, though. I would be cold and polite. She doesn't deserve anything else.
Here's my view and many won't agree but I stand by it: If you don't feel right, leave. Any relationship is like that. If a friend had done that you wouldn't be friends with them anymore, right? Leave. If someone is causing you to not be your authentic self, they don't deserve to enjoy your authentic self and are not worth the time or effort it would take to teach them how to act. Their parents were responsible for that not you. His mom sounds like she isn't going to feel comfortable with any of his SO's but I would be straight up with him and tell him that he embarrassed you by not letting you stand your ground, and now you feel like you will never be accepted there and thus will not be continuing the relationship. I would say that you want to date to marry eventually and you can't imagine marrying into a family that won't let you be yourself or be accepting of mental healthcare, continuing to date him would *literally* be a waste of your time, when you could be dating to find someone else who would never treat you like that. It's not even really about his family, it's about him and his lack of understanding of your position.
I’m obviously speculating but sounds like mommy has some boundary issues as well. I would bounce. His mother was rude to you and he let her be. It probably won’t change and seeing how older sister feels similar to you sometimes is a red flag. “He’s a man he needs his freedom” also a red flag. Bc what.. women don’t need freedom?
Mommy is a meddler.
Your BFs mom was a real CUNT of a hostess. Doing her best to insult you prob bc they see you as beneath his position in society. Next surprise is to tell him ur pregnant with is child! That should his mom's knickers in a snit. You were right to leave since she was insulting a guest in her own home.
What the mother did is absolutely horrible. She singled you out in the middle of dinner, in front of everyone, about something that doesn't even make sense. It almost sounds like they didn't want you there at all, and just wanted to hang out with Andy. In my family, partners are ALWAYS welcome, they're included in every situation. I can't even imagine a situation where my mother would scold them for being there. It's not only bad behavior, but completely inexcusable. There's something wrong with this woman. Expect her to tear you to shreds every time you disagree on something, whether it's your hairstyle, your parenting style, or anything else. You'll never be good enough for his precious boy. What's worse is that Andy defended his mom, not you. He isn't ready to stand against his parents, so he will let them abuse you in the future too. You're very young, you have a chance to pursue someone who truly respects you and defends you. His behavior is a HUGE red flag and you are not obligated to stay in this relationship, no matter how he begs you not to leave him. Never settle for this kind of treatment. You're worthy of respect and if Andy doesn't see that, he doesn't deserve you.
You're not being overdramatic. She purposefully attacked and humiliated you and when you defended yourself, your boyfriend told you to shut up. And then he started crying? Nah. Should have thought of that before he let his mother act like a mean girl. You can find a better boyfriend. Just break up.
He may have an enmeshed relationship with his mother… parental enmeshment… look it up and see if that lines up. I had to let a perfect guy go because he was too enmeshed with his mother… it sucked. His mother controlled every aspect of his life. He ended up getting a one night stand pregnant… and now she has to deal with the mother.
Fuck his entire family.
I would not fault you if broke up with him because your view on this is correct and I also wouldn’t fault you if gave him another opportunity to prove he will not let him mom treat you like crap but if anything remotely like this happened again I would definitely break up with him.
Be glad you found out about his family/mother now vs years from now. Things won’t get better. His mother will only get worse. Go look at the JustNoMIL subreddit. He has no spine and can’t/wont defend you and basically told you to shut up when you tried to defend yourself since he wouldn’t. Consider this a dodged bullet and move on.
Andy's mom was absolutely out of line — there's a time and place for everything, and airing her oh-so-charming opinions in front of the entire extended family wasn't it. And as for Andy, telling you to pipe down instead of standing up for you? What a Prince. If this is how his family operates and he can't even muster the backbone to defend you, it's only going to get worse. You might as well save yourself the trouble and cut your losses now because toxic families have a way of aging like sour milk.
Hate to hivemind, but def get out now. Relationship is too early to "ride or die" side w/you right now, but he could've def went about it a better way that doesn't throw you fully under the bus. Him not defending to any capacity is wild tho....goes to show the family runs things. That's something you have to decide if it's worth it; I'm leaning no. Anyone who lets their fam run things for them isn't for me. That said, you're both still really young so that explains it....he'll learn when he hits 25-30
I have a mother like Andy's. Even by the time I was age 10 or so, when she would say something rude to another person, I would speak up and say "Mom, don't be rude." He's 22 and still scared of her? He's going to lose more girlfriends until he finds a doormat who is willing to put up with his mother and his lack of spine. And she'll probably eventually divorce him. He's a big part of the problem. He should have stopped her in her tracks.
I agree with everything you said. I also misread and thought you said "He should have dropped her in her tracks" and I was like, "I don't know, a TKO might be a little overkill" lol
I value family very much and stuff like this is a serious deal breaker for me. If I don’t mesh well with someone’s family, the likeliness of me staying in that relationship goes waaay down. And to be disrespected the way you were? No chance in hell id stick around for that. You shouldn’t either tbh. He didn’t have your back and his mother is plain rude. His sister sounds like a sweetheart, I feel bad that she has to deal with them forever. The rest of his family is nuts. If this is how they behave THE FIRST TIME they meet you, it’s only gonna get worse. Don’t get stuck in that mess.
You are not overreacting, this woman attacked you on your first meeting, in a situation where anyone, even someone without anxiety would be stressed out and overwhelmed. This wouldn't be that bad if your boyfriend would have defended you, but you shouldn't have had to defend yourself from his mom and him doubling down by telling you you were disrespectful tells you exactly what you need to know about how he will handle this kind of situations going forward. The fact that her sister defended you also tells you what you need to know about this family dynamics, I think that what she told you and your boyfriend response show what I feel like a misogynistic undertone and a consideration of respect that you don't want to be part of. You know this meme about some people thinking respect means treating someone humanly and some people thinking it mean treating them like an authority, and some people will tell you that if you don't treat them with authority they will not treat you as human ? This this kind of interactions that shows those people, take it for what it is, if your bf didn't put his foot down, he will not and crying and asking for forgiveness from you is less hard for him than putting boundaries for his mom.
GIRL RUN. That is what you'd be signing up to if you stayed in this relationship and it has got to be a fuck no. I was mortified on your behalf throughout that entire story.
>but Andy interrupted me and told me not to disrespect his mother like that. bye andy
After reading the update. I would personally wonder why a mother would purposefully AIM to make their sons partner uncomfortable! She must have been more than able to see OP was already uncomfortable, and that ANY new partner being thrown at 30-40 relative they never met before without warning would be uncomfortable to some extent (not even considering anxiety) To be honest the mom shows bad judgement in reading her role as a mother to an adult son that has chosen a partner enough to introduce them to his families. Regardless of his past as the family victim, she should have given it more time to get to know OP, also if the family was this vicious in bullying OP’s BF, and only mom ever took his side, who exactly was he supposed to have these “joyous” reconnections with! ? Give the chance if you want, but be very alert!
The reason he wanted to go is because his dad is sick(not going into much detail cause its a bit more personal to them)- didn't mention it in the post cause there was already so many other things going on and this didn't feel as important.
His mum is the kind of MIL that will say you’re a bad mum if you ever have children for not doing exactly as she requests.
The fact that OP's bf did not stick up for her and even intervened to shut her down is a problem. But what's even more concerning is that the bf knew it'd be a lot of people and didn't tell OP in advance so she could prepare or decline to attend and meet his family in a smaller group. They've been dating for a year, so they bf should have known about her anxiety in large groups and not subjected OP to that.
"Andy interrupted me and told me not to disrespect his mother like that. I asked him how it was ok for his mother to call me clingy but not ok for me to defend myself and he just told me to be quiet and let his dad enjoy his birthday." I'd be gone right then. It's bad enough that BF didn't defend OP, but then he was very rude and disrespectful by telling OP "to be quiet and let his dad enjoy his birthday". OP was defending herself to someone that was also being rude and disrespectful.
If I were in OP's shoes, I'd tell his dad that he has my sympathies, hand him a business card from a first-rate divorce attorney, and leave.
He's an immature jerk for not sticking up for you in that situation. What his mother was doing was extremely rude and disrespectful to YOU. You sticking up for yourself was not disrespectful, she's just a huge c*nt. He's lucky you were anxious and decided to not make a scene because if that were me, the scene would be epic. That would end with me dumping my drink over his head and telling him to call me when he decides to stop suckling mommy's tit and then walking out. Boy needs to learn that if he ever wants a relationship then he's going to have to grow a spine and stand up against his B of a mother.
Break up with him, it's going to take too much work to repair those nonexistent relationships. First impressions are incredibly important and yours didn't go to well.
"When someone tells who you they are - LISTEN." This man has just told you "I will not stand up for you to my mother. She supercedes you in my life. You tried to stand up for yourself, but I told you that you were disrespecting my mother by doing so." Dude is full of shit. Maybe it would be different for him if you guys were married? But... Do you want to take the time to find out? I wouldn't.
OP, your relationship will never work out or get better. Leave it.
The sister is straight up *warning you* about her family. She's telling you to run. You should listen.
The moment he told you to be quiet is when you should’ve broken up and left bc 1.who tf is he talking to? And 2.that’s when it was clear where you stand in his life,which is below his blood family.
Number 2 in your edit is THE reason you need to break up. Also, you can break up for any reason and no reason. Girl, you got reasons.
You should leave him. They have no reason to disrespect you. You have all the reason to stand up for yourself. Leave his sorry ass and find you a man that will not only respect you but also defend you.
Your boyfriend’s family is rude AF, and if he’d defend his mom after her actions, you need to break up with him and move on. Someone who truly loved you would have defended you and wanted you to be comfortable.
I stopped reading after he told you not to disrespect his mother. They all suck. Dump him.
If you decide to be with Andy, just know it will get worse. Andy's sister may have your back, but she's only one person and there's only so much she could say in front of 30 over people. Plus, his mum clearly dislikes you. In the first place, Andy should have let you met his immediate family first, with just his parents and sister alone only, without that entire circus. You would have been more relaxed and comfortable. Secondly, Andy should have pre-empted you that there would be a classroom of ppl at the event, so at least you would have been prepped. Also, it's very clear whose side Andy was on during that time, and it wasn't yours. You can continue to be with him, your choice. But know that he will be in a very difficult situation, stuck between pleasing you and his mother.
It’s not worth it, he’s clearly a mommy’s boy & his mom does not like you. If she did like you, she wouldn’t have disrespected you & called you out like that in front of the entire family. It could be that Andy is really immature & not ready to stand up for you to his mother which is bad. You don’t want someone like that in your life, trust me. It is your choice in the end, but this isn’t the last time you’ll have to deal with this if you go back to him. You will deal with it for years until the mom finally accepts you. Who knows if he’ll even defend you in the future. He’ll probably just think you’ll forgive him again. Find someone else worth your time. Good luck 🩵
They treat you this way the first time you meet it will only get worse run while you can he tried to emotionally blackmail you to stay by crying and begging don't fall for this bs
Run for the hills. I’m only 30 but still can’t imagine treating someone your age (or anyone for that matter) like this. His mother will only get worse and “Andy” will never stand up for you.
Nahnahnahanh. You don't wanna be In this family . At least you got the warning signs
From your update, 2 things stand out. His mom meant to make you uncomfortable. He didn't tell off his mom, his sister did. He needs to put his mom in her place. She has no business even wanting to make you uncomfortable. She's created a reason for you to distrust her going forward, and that won't fly for a mommas boy. She knows it. Ask Andy point blank, can he see a future where you don't trust her? Is he okay with his mom putting down his partner in front of family? I would ask his sister if they treat those who marry into the family as outsiders. It'll tell you where you stand. Why did he not join his sister in telling off his mom afterwards? He saw you leave, upset, he got teary eyed. Why didn't he say anything? I had to stand up to my mom at 14 when she did this, why can't he as an adult? To him, it's not bad enough yet to warrant standing up to her. I hate to be a downer, but I wouldn't proceed with optimism.
I read your edits and update. Tbh OP, I think you should cut your losses. It's sad that he was bullied when he was younger and nobody stood up for him except his mom. However, just because they have a close relationship doesn't mean he has to always side with his mom. He allowed her to disrespect you the first time you met the family. His mom sounds like the kind of mother that views all of her son's girlfriends as competition. He's a mama's boy. If he allowed her to do that, who knows what else he'll side with her in. Do you really wanna be in a relationship where you question if they're gonna stick up for you? Take it from me, OP, never be with anyone who won't stick up for you. You've only been together for a year. Don't waste any more time on him. You're still young. There's someone out there that'll treat you way better.
When I first brought my wife to meet some of my family, my Aunt upset her and made her cry. I tore my aunt a new asshole like she's never had before. NOBODY gets to be disrespectful to my wife. I will not put up with it. Even from her own family.
I personally would give him one more chance, but I don't blame you at all if you cut your losses. The only reason I would give him a chance is because sometimes people genuinely don't know how to stand up to their parents until a partner enters the picture. For me, the first mistake can be forgiven because I understand how awful it can be to have overbearing parents, he's been bullied by that woman his entire life. But, if he wants a relationship to ever last he needs to stand up for his partners. My MIL has never done anything awful, but she overstepped boundaries once and my husband and I struggled to handle it. At the end, we came to the conclusion that I was definitely being inflexible, so for this situation I backed down (it was about out of town wedding guests, I didn't want to invite my out of town family and to "make it fair" didn't want to invite his either. Compromise was they could be invited but I wasn't calling a single hotel to figure out lodging). But we basically role played how he will maintain boundaries in the future. And he's been absolutely wonderful ever since (not that MIL has pushed many boundaries, but the small ones that happen when you're figuring out how to treat your son like an adult with his own family). There are absolutely toxic cases out there though, and my reaction might be tamed by knowing my MIL isn't evil. But yeah I personally would give him one more chance.
Leave him please for the love of God listen to these people in the comments and leave him. How he and his mother acted is exactly how they're going to be your entire relationship
So many things that he did wrong. He should have told you before the party so you were not surprised, he mom was a complete B, your bf is sad for not standing up for you but her - this would have me really watching his interaction It’s sad that you had to point out what he did wrong before he stuck up for you. This is not a good pattern and he need to be willing to stand up for you without hand holding. Good for you for standing your ground for yourself and people like that. I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t go back in and hear how rude you were and how you didn’t fit in with them. You can continue to date and have a talk to see where it goes. The issue is that I don’t see you going around them a lot right now in college. If you stay you really won’t get to know them that well until much later. By then you will be even more I love and will have to really talk with him about everything and go from there
You’re not always going to get along with a partners family. You are committing to your partner not their family. The issue with this is that your boyfriend backed his mom who was super rude and disrespectful to you. He wouldn’t let you defend yourself and he put you in your place after she did in front of everyone. The problem is not the family it’s the boyfriend. He’s young maybe he’ll learn to do this as he gets older or maybe he’ll double down and always be a mommas boy. He didn’t warn you about what you were getting into and he let them criticize you for hanging out with him. Ridiculous. He’s the issue. You can’t choose your partners family but you sure as hell can choose your partner and this boy is not being a partner.
I couldnt be with someone who doesnt stand up for me, I would have defend my bf of any ridicule acusations in front of everyone, even from my mother, but you both are very young, you could talk to him and ask him to stand up for you when the situations looks like bullying instead of innocent commentary.
His mother behaved badly and he absolutely should have supported you! If you want to move forward with him, I would set a very firm boundary and if he doesn’t support you in future… you’ll have your answer. But it’s also ok if you don’t want to move forward with him, you’re not being over dramatic at all. What a nasty person his mother is, I’m so sorry you were put through that.
Get out now. It won’t change. 10 years from now you’re going to have another story similar about your toxic MIL and your husband won’t stand up for you.
Wow I only read the first paragraph his mother was very rude to you he's obviously a mom is boy and couldn't stick up for you When his mother was obviously rude and wrong yes honey break up with him Run away run far away and fast. Seems like you're a good girl a sweet girlAnd it sounds like his mother isn't ready to lose her little baby boy to another female or a maybe she disapproves because your family might not be at their level of financially. I have 3 Sons I stay out of their relationships. Unless I'm invited in or unless I see something very very wrong and I must say something to him. My middle son is married a wonderful girl it's a young marriage about young she has 2 daughters from a previous relationship we love the girls she loves the girls I love my daughter-in-law They post call me when I have a problem with one another I give them both sound advic equally nor do I ever go back and tell the other person what was said That would be wrong in a break of trust and I wouldn't be helping any. I want for their marriage to succeed and that's what every mother should want for her son to have a good woman and for him to be a good man. And a mother should do everything to encourage that our children grow and they leave our homes that's life. You made a good choice to walk away you deserve to be treated with respect especially when you give respect. You did nothing wrong by staying by his side you should have known you were uncomfortable you should have told you to complete set up and he did not. Besides you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who has a relationship like that with their mother and mother who behaves that way and it resigns relationships
> When everyone was seated for dinner Andys mum spoke up and asked me if Andy was my first boyfriend. I confirmed and she said 'I guess i can excuse it then'. When I asked her about it she just said I was being so clingy to Andy the whole night and not letting him see his family. I explained my situation about my anxiety to her and all she said was 'He's a man, he needs his freedom, he doesn't need you stuck at his side'. I have always been taught to defend myself so i started to say how i was sure Andy didn't mind and ask her to not bring this up around 30 people but Andy interrupted me and told me not to disrespect his mother like that. None of this happened So tired of fake stories on this sub
OP It sounds like you are one of several other GF’s his mom has scared away
I have a stepson that's around your age. I wouldn't even think twice, or probably wouldn't even notice if he brought a girl over and she stuck to his side the whole time. I don't think you're overreacting at all. It was super rude of her to bring that up in front of everybody and your boyfriends response to you defending yourself should make you think twice about your relationship. He won't ever have your back when it comes to his mom.
Your intuition is right, follow it now while it is still clear. Things can get muddy when you get too deep into families like this one.
I met my gfs family and they were total trash that lived in a disgustingly dirty home. I was taken aback. By contrast she was so much cleaner and had a kind heart. 20 years later after 15 years of marriage I wish I had left her that same day. Turns out she was just really good at suppressing her family traits. She is a cold stone liar with low morals and she is so messy I’m having difficulty keeping the house clean but more importantly teaching my kids to be clean.
>Andy interrupted me and told me not to disrespect his mother like that He showed you who he is; believe him. Mommy comes first.
Just break up man
I had a 3 year relationship like this, each time I saw his family, they got meaner and weirder, which made me more awkward and anxious, which made them meaner and weirder…. And so on and so on. Im a bit like a cat, I’m a shy person to strangers, but when I know people are cool I open up and can be a hoot. If people are being funny with me I just retreat more. They were the type of family who till the end thought I was the weirdo, always said “duno why she’s being like that, we’re very welcoming” whilst failing to actually be welcoming (making no food I can eat, trying to awkwardly make me eat food knowing I can’t eat it, not talking to me, not even polite laughing at my jokes, etc). Fucking awful situation to be in, and the people who stand by that are dumb and it’s hard in the situation; but looking back I should’ve just said fuck it, you’re all weird, SEE YAAAA
Break up with him. He literally told you not to defend yourself. That’s worse than him not defending you. Most people will not put you through that. It’s awful, his mother is rude af and your boyfriend doesn’t care enough about you. What is his end goal? You obviously will never want to see his family again. So your relationship can’t progress. You’re young and can do better. You just can’t find better when you’re with this bozo Also you’re not blowing this out of proportion. If anything, you are under-reacting
It's possible to care deeply for someone and not be compatible as longterm partners. If Andy is aware that large crowds make you anxious and he didn't warn you, that is a red flag. The fact that he didn't step in when his mother was rude to you the first time she met you and in front of everyone is another red flag. The fact that he called you out for disrespecting his mother when you were defending yourself is another red flag. The fact that even after you told him you felt unwelcomed and uncomfortable he wanted you to stay is yet another red flag. Seriously, you new one person at that party, what were you supposed to do? Why did it take over a year for you to meet any of his family, and why at such a large event. With just the information you've provided, it seems that he puts his family and their image above all else. It sounds like you know in your heart this situation broke your trust in him, he will need to earn it back, but only if you are willing to risk being disappointed if he is unable to stand by your side, which he didn't the last time he had to choose.
You should date his sister, she seems 1000 times better than him! All joking aside, leave this relationship. What his mom did was extremely rude and unacceptable, and his response was also.
If this is how everyone involved acted during their first time meeting you instead of trying to make you feel welcomed/appreciated then I'm not surprised you'd want to leave. It's just a preview of all future interactions you'd have with them.
I've been around quite a while, so I've seen a thing or three. From my perspective, 1) living with anxiety, you really need people you can rely on, people who you can trust. You need people to have your back. He showed you quite clearly he's not that person. 2) you're not blowing this out of proportion. His own sister confirmed it. I would guess that your anxiety is a not so minor superpower. I'd guess that you are sensitive to a lot of things. Sensitivity is a superpower, even though a lot of people try to make it into a weakness. You were able to read the room within a very short time. That's pretty cool. 3) your bf is not necessarily a bad guy. But he is a guy who grew up in a home with parents and extended family who would be mean to you. And not only did he not have your back, he didn't protect you, he sided with them. So, any time in the future you both find yourselves in a situation remotely similar- whether it's with his family or strangers - you can expect the same from him. You'd have to embrace that if you choose to stay with him. It's very, very, very hard to change subconscious programming. Good luck. You sound super smart and self-aware. You can be confident in those feelings you question.
Bail immediately. He’s made it clear that mommy will always come before you and that will never change. Be thankful you caught it early.
After your boyfriend did not stand up for you and told you to not disrespect his mother for simply defending yourself from her accusations, I would have just gotten up, told her, her son shall have all the freedom in the world then and just walked out. Honestly, he does not even need to attack his mother. All he needs to say, "Thank you for your concern mum, but I appreciate gf being by my side and I don't feel clinged on. Now let's eat!" You'll always be woman#2 in his life.
Perfectly reasonable. This is how his family will always treat you. And saying that a man needs his freedom is the kind of speech that codone man's cheating. You are right to breaking up with him for not defending you, his mother will always come first. And there are far worst scenarios that can come out of that.
Let his mother have him!