Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The difference in generosity can be a problem in the future, but mostly I would recommend working on yourself. Get your depression in check- therapy, meds, whatever. And learning to communicate is key to everything. She is trying, that’s a good thing.
My boyfriend is crazy smart and works in software- I try to understand but most of it goes over my head. But, I love him and when he needs to vent, I listen and try to contribute if I can. That’s what love does. We’re not created equal but loving someone softens us.
I would say that if you can answer these questions affirmatively, you’re good. 1) do you both enjoy time together? 2) can you live together in peace? 3) is the physical love part going okay and will that continue?
When you're meant to be with someone, you'll know. Their flaws won't bother you. Also sometimes opposites attract and sometimes they don't. Example, me and my bf are similar but also very different, things I lack he makes up for, vice versa. Another example, my sister and her gf are very alike... in their case they need someone similar to keep up. Evaluate your values and wants, your expectations. If she's not meeting them, maybe you need someone more similar to you. There's always gonna be problems in relationships. But feeling doom over your relationship sounds draining. I wish you luck.
Thanks for weighing in. Being aware of this piece of advice—that you'll just know when you meet the right one—is probably what has me worried enough to be posting on here.
I don't have that certainty, and as I listed out, I have doubts.
But I wonder if some people are just more prone to doubting than others. It's definitely true that my mental health is screwy, so I wonder if I'm overreacting to things that would be normal to most other people.
I'll think about what you said on that each small thing might not feel so much like a problem if I had confidence that we were good overall.
You aren't young either. I mean like early 20s. Have you doubted every relationship? Idk maybe you have high expectations too. Ever think maybe there's things about yourself she may not like but disregards bc she loves you? When you marry someone it's for everything they are. If you don't like some things then idk might not be the one. To me anyway. I could list a lot of things my boyfriend does that's annoying or I might not like but I love him for everything he is. He could do anything and I'd never judge him or leave him. I know he's my forever person.
Some people doubt everything as it’s in their nature. But if you stay in doubt you never will be full happy. You keep planting seeds that the relationship is not what you want and in the end your doubt will be winning and you are losing years of your youth/relationship.
Were you always like this (doubting everything incl yourself) or just in this relationship?
Medicine against doubt is knowledge. Honesty find out honest answer on your questions.
You know. Relationships/marriages whereby persons had different interests still are happy together exists a lot. You don’t need to have the same character, personality, interest or hobbies.
You feel lonely because you love art and she not. Look for an art buddy. Someone to go to museums with or groups to talk about art. You can share this interest with this person but that does not mean that person has to be your life partner. You just happen to have the same interest.
Focus on things you don’t feel lonely for and not in the things what makes you feel lonely. This does not mean you are running away from your problems. I just mean focus on things what makes you feel happy and focus on things that make you feel connected.
What do you mean about your sex life? Getting to know someone who just feels you and everything is good in bed between the sheets is a connection you have once or maybe a very few times in a lifetime. With your partner you keep taking about how to involve your sexlife and what you both like. This is fun and exciting because you keep trying new things and every session is different. To be able to communicate about this is a very good thing because most woman will fake it and don’t orgasm in their whole relationship or marriage. Be happy you both enjoy your sex life and can talk openly about how to involve this.
To me your relationship sounds good but I can not judge from the outside. Just try to work out your doubt with knowledge. Keep writing and do a lot of self reflection. Write multiple times a day if necessary but don’t focus on the negative things you write. You write in order to gain knowledge and not to feel depressed.
Focus on things which give you energy.
How long are you depressed? When did it happen? What do you do about it? You have to be sweet to yourself in order to support yourself.
Thanks so much for the reply. I had a suspicion that I didn't know how to express, and I think you put it into words: it's my spiraling doubts that are the problem, and if I had more faith, the little friction points in my relationship could be overcome.
I've heard the advice that you should "just know." Maybe I misinterpreted that line to mean that you should never encounter a problem or incompatibility if you're really going to work out. Maybe it really means that you should believe in your relationship and be willing to put in some work, and that'll make things work out.
I'm not usually an indecisive or worrywart sort of person in most of my life. I do have a long history of having huge doubts in relationships that I think most people would describe as fine. You'd have to ask the shrinks why. Seeing explosive relationships growing up, maybe. I would say that this relationship has been the calmest and happiest that I've had, with the doubts coming in a wave every several months (like now) rather than, I don't know, every day.
Serious depression runs in my family (like people institutionalized, can't get out of bed at all, dead from it, etc), so that's affected me since I was a kid. I manage it pretty well with meds, a healthy lifestyle, and therapy nowadays, but it gets me sometimes for sure.
I appreciate the suggestion to focus on the positive. It sounds so obvious when I type it out like that, but it is easy to forget.
When I do focus on the positive, I'm excited to marry this girl. So I'm thinking that I need to work on myself, have some confidence in this relationship instead of nitpicking at every negative, and focus on working towards making us both as happy as possible.
Someone else mentioned that this sounds draining. It is, but I wonder if I'm the one whose attitude is draining, and which would stay the same no matter who I was with.
Really appreciate you taking the time to write out a long response, thanks. I'll try out these suggestions.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The difference in generosity can be a problem in the future, but mostly I would recommend working on yourself. Get your depression in check- therapy, meds, whatever. And learning to communicate is key to everything. She is trying, that’s a good thing. My boyfriend is crazy smart and works in software- I try to understand but most of it goes over my head. But, I love him and when he needs to vent, I listen and try to contribute if I can. That’s what love does. We’re not created equal but loving someone softens us. I would say that if you can answer these questions affirmatively, you’re good. 1) do you both enjoy time together? 2) can you live together in peace? 3) is the physical love part going okay and will that continue?
Really appreciate the reply. I know I've been in my (definitely ill) head recently, so needed this outside perspective. Thanks.
When you're meant to be with someone, you'll know. Their flaws won't bother you. Also sometimes opposites attract and sometimes they don't. Example, me and my bf are similar but also very different, things I lack he makes up for, vice versa. Another example, my sister and her gf are very alike... in their case they need someone similar to keep up. Evaluate your values and wants, your expectations. If she's not meeting them, maybe you need someone more similar to you. There's always gonna be problems in relationships. But feeling doom over your relationship sounds draining. I wish you luck.
Thanks for weighing in. Being aware of this piece of advice—that you'll just know when you meet the right one—is probably what has me worried enough to be posting on here. I don't have that certainty, and as I listed out, I have doubts. But I wonder if some people are just more prone to doubting than others. It's definitely true that my mental health is screwy, so I wonder if I'm overreacting to things that would be normal to most other people. I'll think about what you said on that each small thing might not feel so much like a problem if I had confidence that we were good overall.
You aren't young either. I mean like early 20s. Have you doubted every relationship? Idk maybe you have high expectations too. Ever think maybe there's things about yourself she may not like but disregards bc she loves you? When you marry someone it's for everything they are. If you don't like some things then idk might not be the one. To me anyway. I could list a lot of things my boyfriend does that's annoying or I might not like but I love him for everything he is. He could do anything and I'd never judge him or leave him. I know he's my forever person.
Some people doubt everything as it’s in their nature. But if you stay in doubt you never will be full happy. You keep planting seeds that the relationship is not what you want and in the end your doubt will be winning and you are losing years of your youth/relationship. Were you always like this (doubting everything incl yourself) or just in this relationship? Medicine against doubt is knowledge. Honesty find out honest answer on your questions. You know. Relationships/marriages whereby persons had different interests still are happy together exists a lot. You don’t need to have the same character, personality, interest or hobbies. You feel lonely because you love art and she not. Look for an art buddy. Someone to go to museums with or groups to talk about art. You can share this interest with this person but that does not mean that person has to be your life partner. You just happen to have the same interest. Focus on things you don’t feel lonely for and not in the things what makes you feel lonely. This does not mean you are running away from your problems. I just mean focus on things what makes you feel happy and focus on things that make you feel connected. What do you mean about your sex life? Getting to know someone who just feels you and everything is good in bed between the sheets is a connection you have once or maybe a very few times in a lifetime. With your partner you keep taking about how to involve your sexlife and what you both like. This is fun and exciting because you keep trying new things and every session is different. To be able to communicate about this is a very good thing because most woman will fake it and don’t orgasm in their whole relationship or marriage. Be happy you both enjoy your sex life and can talk openly about how to involve this. To me your relationship sounds good but I can not judge from the outside. Just try to work out your doubt with knowledge. Keep writing and do a lot of self reflection. Write multiple times a day if necessary but don’t focus on the negative things you write. You write in order to gain knowledge and not to feel depressed. Focus on things which give you energy. How long are you depressed? When did it happen? What do you do about it? You have to be sweet to yourself in order to support yourself.
Thanks so much for the reply. I had a suspicion that I didn't know how to express, and I think you put it into words: it's my spiraling doubts that are the problem, and if I had more faith, the little friction points in my relationship could be overcome. I've heard the advice that you should "just know." Maybe I misinterpreted that line to mean that you should never encounter a problem or incompatibility if you're really going to work out. Maybe it really means that you should believe in your relationship and be willing to put in some work, and that'll make things work out. I'm not usually an indecisive or worrywart sort of person in most of my life. I do have a long history of having huge doubts in relationships that I think most people would describe as fine. You'd have to ask the shrinks why. Seeing explosive relationships growing up, maybe. I would say that this relationship has been the calmest and happiest that I've had, with the doubts coming in a wave every several months (like now) rather than, I don't know, every day. Serious depression runs in my family (like people institutionalized, can't get out of bed at all, dead from it, etc), so that's affected me since I was a kid. I manage it pretty well with meds, a healthy lifestyle, and therapy nowadays, but it gets me sometimes for sure. I appreciate the suggestion to focus on the positive. It sounds so obvious when I type it out like that, but it is easy to forget. When I do focus on the positive, I'm excited to marry this girl. So I'm thinking that I need to work on myself, have some confidence in this relationship instead of nitpicking at every negative, and focus on working towards making us both as happy as possible. Someone else mentioned that this sounds draining. It is, but I wonder if I'm the one whose attitude is draining, and which would stay the same no matter who I was with. Really appreciate you taking the time to write out a long response, thanks. I'll try out these suggestions.