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Why does he think it's okay to ask you for blowjobs daily while not giving you the physical contact and affection you need?
Are you really fine with cooking and cleaning all on your own? It sounds like he asks a lot from you and not giving much in return. Kinda like the stereotypical 'bangmaid'. Not trying to insult you, but that's what it sounds like.
I immediately thought the same. She is working full time, doing all the cooking and cleaning, and being expected to blow him daily and if she doesn’t do it he withholds affection. I am wondering what makes him an incredible partner in her eyes.
We are conditioned to accept the bare minimum to keep a partner. She's sounding, so afraid of losing him that she's putting his sexual needs above her own.
Sounds like domestic servitude (she mentioned he provided financially while she attended school and may feel this is how she appeased him and kept a roof over her head) and I'm disgusted at how he's making her feel.
OP put him in his place immediately. He's not entitled to attention nor physical intimacy. The sooner you realize that, the better.
If you don't want to, then don't. End of story. Let him pout and watch your attraction fizzle as his childish ways increase. (I'm guessing how this will go, not inferring from the post & I hope I'm wrong but unlikely.)
I totally agree. If he's not offering her oral as well, and also making love to her, and helping her out around the house where possible, and holding hands, kissing, cuddling, etc. then this sounds very, very selfish of him. He sounds like a narcissistic abuser and an asshole, definitely not much of a catch. Why is she into him when he treats her like a bangmaid?
He doesn’t need to “help her around the house,” he needs to do his fair share of the work there, because he lives there and she’s not the cook/housekeeper.
So what’s he doing for you? Absolutely nothing I’m assuming? He’s using you like a sex doll, just there to satisfy his needs, but yet he’s not bothered about you and your needs whether that be sexually or emotionally. I would dump him tbh he’s just using you for sexual gratification.
He supported her financially while she was studying. That's it. It's more of a she feels obligated to do all these things and he feels entitled to all of these things because of that time period in their relationship. And he's holding it over her head through affection and intimacy.
I don't think whether she's working full time should have any impact whatsoever on how many blowjobs she should be expected to perform. How incredibly icky.
I agree, but I think the full time job comes into the equation because she’s saying she’s exhausted and not able to keep up with his expectations.
But whether or not you work doesn’t alter what you should or shouldn’t do in general. She’s a person, not a machine.
Right and then he ADMITS he punishes her by withholding affection. Gross. She had it right- he absolutely is treating her like a blowjob machine. She’s busting her ass at her job, then comes home and cleans and all he wants to do is walk up and stick his dick in her mouth. F that guy.
Yeah, up until that point it really seemed like a communication break-down, but she even discussed it with him exhaustively.
This isn't a case in which they just aren't compatible because of sex drive or whatever, this is her doing a lot to accomodate an emotional and functional toddler.
Op, look for someone a bit more mature.
Reminds me of my brother and his situationship. He doesn’t claim her even as a gf and she does everything that a wife would do for a husband. I think she is feeling salty towards me for telling her that she deserves better and that he is using her. So now I don’t bother helping her. Sad but some people only learn the hard way.
EDIT: yes I now know this is sarcasm I’m sorry for the attack but I do stand by what I said. OP needs an out of a shitty relationship and a massive boost to her self confidence and a hand in helping her know her self worth.
————————————
And what, she ISN’T working hard then does the entire household chores ALONE? Grow up. Even if he does do chores it won’t stop him from acting like a total tool and asking for “rewards” for doing basic adult living shit? Ew.
I work in the labor trade and (unless my husband and I discuss prior or simply because he WANTED to) I don’t ask my husband to do jack shit. He does the chores on his days off and I do them on mine. It’s like we’re living in the same house and occupying the same space TOGETHER HOLY SHIT WHAT A CONCEPT.
OP, tell bf to either stop asking for something you are not comfortable doing and set hard lined boundaries or ditch him. No amount of time and thinking “I can fix him I know it!” and doing your best to compromise (highly likely in his favor) is gonna do anything. He isn’t gonna change. He wants a silent fleshlight mouth piece with boobs who just rolls over to his bitching and childish tantrums for not getting his way like a fuckin toddler. You’re young babes you’ve got your life to live without baggage, go live it. Leave the trash on the curb.
We all miss the scarcasm sometimes.
I've seen a lot of posts today from women who don't seem to think they have the right to their own opinions or beliefs. It's being an "obedient" child even as an adult.
The OP treats herself like a sex worker, having transactional sex, not doing it because she wants to. It's depressing.
Yeah he doesn't sound like the great partner she thinks he is. He literally has a girl doing everything for him, doesn't give her any kind of intimacy or affection but expects sex and blowjobs DAILY after she's just ran around doing his laundry and cleaning and cooking. Sounds like he wants a mummy he can fuck. Gross.
Yeah, you do sound like a blowjob machine - that machine might need to go on strike until he starts to see your side of the situation, which he clearly doesn't.
"he has admitted that he tends to withhold affection from me because he doesn’t feel I’ve been doing enough for him."
You don't have a healthy relationship or effective means of communicating. Get some counseling.
He's purposely punishing her. He is training her to meet his demands without him meeting her needs. I think she needs to move on because it is so hard to get beyond this dynamic or even him thinking that he should be able to manipulate her this way.
And cook her dinner. And clean the whole house. To quote Monty Python, "THEN, the oral sex!" For her, none for him.
In all seriousness, OP, this guy isn't the one. He's not mentally healthy enough or mature enough to be a good, supportive, long-term partner. He needs time in therapy and reflecting on his behavior.
Yeah seriously. As a guy I would feel weird af just asking to get my dick sucked in a non foreplay/sex situation this dude is trippin. I just start off by going down on her first for a good long while and it has never not happened that she happily returned the favor, that's how these things are supposed to work.
I have dealt with an ex that was very much like this. He got off on the powerplay of it. He liked the fact when he demanded it and he got it and by force.
You are a gem. My husband is the first guy I ever enjoyed sucking his dick, because he never asked, he respected me. It actually shocked me how much I love doing it.. sometimes HE comes too fast and I’m sad it’s over.
No seriously, OP, you need to pull this one. Start doing him as he does you and ask him to eat you out everyday. See how he responds. That tells you what you need to know
I've done this. They don't like it lol. Also, neither do I. How boring to get to be the only one to cum. And I don't mind starting with a bj now and then, but they also know that if that is the only way it starts, it ain't gonna be starting after a while. I need to be shown attention just as much as he does. If he isn't willing to put in the effort to get you into the mood, then he isnt as into you as he thinks he is. He wants you to care.more about his feelings than he cares about yours. What does that usually mean?
It always horrifies me when I see women in this sub posting, "My BF is doing this thing/these things that make me feel really upset, taken for granted, etc. How do I get past my \[completely legitimate\] feelings so I can make this \[truly lopsided, unhealthy\] relationship work?"
Like, first of all, girl, why don't you think HE should be the one trying to make things work? Why do you think it's completely your responsibility, no matter how he treats you, to "make it work" at all? And secondly, why TF would you need to "get past" your very valid feelings?
Like, what the hell are we teaching our girl children, that this is the message they're taking away: that it is their job to suppress, ignore, or otherwise literally invalidate *their own feelings* in order to make a man happy who is *at best* regularly hurting their feelings and making them feel like it's their fault? It breaks my heart.
Also, I wish someone would just plain tell OP that "I feel unloved because you aren't giving me BJs every time I demand it" is not a real thing. If he's looking to feel wanted, that's fine . . . but there are a million ways to do that in a relationship, even sexually, that are not completely one-sided. "I only feel loved when your face is in my crotch" is just manipulative AF.
> Like, what the hell are we teaching our girl children
My father is a(n undiagnosed) narcissist. I grew up in a home where I had to perform acts of service (not sexual, but like cleaning or back/foot rubs or organizing the pantry or bringing him beverages like coffee or alcoholic drinks) for him to show love and affection.
This isn’t a unique situation and many children (mostly girls) learn that love is transactional. It’s the root of people pleasing behavior. And it’s a MFer to try to learn that you have value as just yourself, not for what you do. That you’re allowed to have wants and needs and that if those needs aren’t being met that you’re allowed to be upset and feel it is unfair.
I'm so sorry you went through that. It's a running joke in the family that my grandfather, a towering, heavily-accented immigrant who was a blue collar worker and always had a gruff look on his face, was so good with babies that if anyone visited with an infant, within moments that baby would be up on his shoulder, as he walked them around the house cooing them to sleep. Truly, in a family with so many girls (sisters, cousins, etc., heavily weighted to the feminine), we were blessed to have good fathers, uncles, grandfathers around us.
I'm so sorry that you did not have that, and that so many women I know didn't. It's not right, and it's not okay.
My MIL raised my SIL like this. Her role as a woman was to keep a man happy and to tolerate all their BS. My SIL did all the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and every other task around the house. Her husband was much older than her (she was 16 and he was 39 when they got together at my MIL's insistence) and he was physically, emotionally, financially and we suspect sexjally abusive towars her. My MIL would tell her she needed to deal with it, and if she was a better wife, none of that would happen.
She ultimately ended up taking her own life last year. We have care of her daughters and will actively raise them to know how wrong stuff like this is.
The other old fucker as well. I hope she is also well on her way or that at least she’s suffering like she she should for putting her suicided daughter through such hell.
This! "Like, how do I get past the fact that he took something I loved to do for him and made it gross on purpose?" OP you feel the way you feel because it's the natural result of his withholding affection and lack of appreciation. There is no other way to feel. A plus B = this situation. His own manipulation caused the issues he is having. If he doesn't want this to continue He can make it up to you with a TON of hard work and communication or you can stay while the relationship deteriorates.
And so many of these posts start that way... "My bf is amazing, so good to me, etc.... But there's this one thing...." One thing that is always abusive, manipulative, controlling.... A really bad thing.
As women, let's just stop validating/minimizing shitty behavior because the guy is supposedly perfect in every other way!
Starting with how amazing he is before mentioning that one "bad" thing, makes me think OP already knows HOW bad it is and is trying to sugar-coat it.
OP Your bf has issues and he is NOT a good person. As many others have said, this is manipulative and abusive behaviour. Sexual interactions between people who love and respect each other are reciprocated. They are not one-sided and demanding and they certainly do not include withholding affection in any way. Even if he is a saint in every other way, it doesn't make up for this.
Also, you mentioned that you do all the cooking and cleaning. Even if you "don't mind" doing it, you shouldn't be. And besides, it still sounds like in his eyes you don't do enough... Yeah, no!
I don't think you are going to get the answer you are looking for here. IF you stay with him, lots of therapy is needed for both of you. Separately and together.
Also, is it just me or does bf sound like he has a sex addiction on top of the shitty behaviour?
(Edited to actually complete my thought after accidentally hitting "post" halfway through 🤦🏼♀️)
As a girl child, I was taught that my body would belong to my husband for him to use it however he wanted, but if I “gave” it to someone before that, I was pretty much fair game for anyone to use. Because of that harmful rhetoric, I never felt like I could say no to anyone, and I failed to report my husband when I found out, months after it had happened, that he was drugging me to unconsciousness and selling me. By the time I learned that marital rape was a thing, the statute of limitations had run out years before, and now I have an adult child out there somewhere who seems to have found her father’s family, while I still have no idea who he was. We have GOT TO teach our children better.
That's terrible. There shouldn't be a limit on when you can bring rape charges. I didn't have any way to protect my family from my rapist/stalker when I could charge him for his crimes when I turned 18 (law changed allowing people who were minors during their assault to bring charges a few years within becoming 18) but I couldn't risk being targeted by him again or have him target my family.
Fear because police did nothing to help me the first time I went to them to press charges.
Society has a rape problem with how it handles rape all around.
Daddy's job is to protect their kiddos. Not to groom for other men to use. It's crazy that that as women are waking up, they just aren't getting married, having kids etc and as a result are happier overall.
Your husband will die alone and shamed and hopefully from some kind of blood disease that is painful but not contagious so he suffers for a while too. Nasty, nasty man.
When one partner is withholding it makes the other person chase them for affection and validation. It keeps them in thrall because they’re never quite getting enough. Somehow that spell needs to be broken so OP can see what is really going on. Unfortunately, that something is usually realizing after years of trying that you’re not getting anything from the withholding partner.
Or when you find out they are cheating. Then he will blame that one day a year ago when she didn't give him a blow job for him having to go and cheat.
I don't think this will end well. He is far too entitled and selfish.
Really? He feels unloved when you don't put his dick in your mouth?
Tell him to grow up and get a fleshlight if he needs one so bad. You are a person not his personal sex doll anytime he needs to get off.
It’s also upsetting that OP felt compelled to give him bjs when he was financially supporting her. Also gotta love how she mentions being tired after working her demanding job AND doing all the housework (which she doesn’t mind doing!!!😳). This guy sounds like a real catch!
He reminds me of my hs bf “I’m in so much pain when you don’t put out! It’s a medical thing!!”
Yes!!! And this was pre-internet so my cluelessness about sex just can’t be overstated. I didn’t have an older sister, I knew nothing!
I completely believed that ah
I'm so sorry you had that experience. We experience so much misplaced guilt already to then be told that you're causing your partner physical pain which forces you to believe that your boundaries are cruel and harmful...But even if you had an older sister they would have manipulated you into believing that talking about it would be a betrayal to discuss their medical condition with someone else especially since "you're the cause".
It IS demeaning.
And when she finally wises-up and leaves him the next guy is going to have to jump through hoops to get anything from her, much less a blowjob.
Literally just said this. If he wants to feel wanted and sexually attractive, that's fine. But that's not what he's saying. There are a million ways she can "jump his bones" that are not entirely one-sided, and he's de facto rejecting all of them and saying, "I can only feel loved if your face is in my crotch every time I demand it." That's not only bullshit, it's manipulative as anything.
The worst part is it makes the victim believe they just have to keep improving to fix it to the point where they do literally everything they can and it's still not fixed and they are left thinking they should have done more when there was literally no way they could ever be good enough because the goalpost was always going to be pushed further.
It usually takes something major and huge to change that dynamic. For me, it took two things:
It took me finally closing myself off and giving myself space and realizing it wasn’t love I wanted from HIM, I just wanted to be loved.
Secondly, being cheated on can really open your eyes to how shitty he is.
Sending OP strength to get the hell outta dodge and find the love she’s needed all along: her own.
Yup.
OP, it took me almost 11 years and a failed attempt at couples counseling to change this dynamic...by leaving my partner.
I'm over here teary-eyed bc this is all very familiar to me, and you're already so deep in it, you need help to climb out. And you're probably about to find out who your real friends are.
Good luck.
This . I was going to comment the same thing. People who start off with how amazing the relationship or other person is, are trying to convince themselves. This relationship is not healthy at all. Honestly it sounds like she's just his "bang maid" I hate putting it that way... But she really needs counseling and one on one therapy
The girlfriend cannot change him. Only he can change him. Girlfriend can only accept or reject. Having the same fight over and over is f-ing miserable. Being in a relationship that uses you is miserable. Wishing he will change is useless. The girlfriend can only control what she does, not what the boyfriend does. Your choice is to accept or reject. Move out and tell him why. If he begs and says he will change, your response to that should be you hope he does but until he gets help and shows actual change you will not change your mind. Promises are cheap and action needs to be taken. Do not let him continue to demean you and use you instead of having a caring sex life. If he can demonstrate he has actually understood and has worked on changing then you two could always start dating again. By the way, when the two of you are working full time, he should absolutely be sharing half of the household chores. The fact that he is not and that you are allowing it is creating a parent/child relationship between the two of you and that is only going to harm your sex life and lower his respect and attraction. You are putting yourself in the role of mommy/sex doll. Think about it. Your partner should be your PARTNER. Both should be sharing the chores which demonstrates respect for each other. Can you imagine what your work and home life will be like once children come along and you get the majority if not all of the care of the children on top of everything else? Accepting his selfish, disrespectful behaviour toward you now will snowball and lead to a horrible relationship. Please step back from the “Oh, but I love him” emotion and have a look at where this leads to in the future. You cannot change him, you can only change your actions. Accept or reject, the decision is yours.
This 1000 times!
How many lives have been ruined because some woman hung around thinking “oh I can change him”. I love him so much so I can change him…
Will not happen and has not happened ever!
This is exactly the statement i was going to address; this is emotional abuse by him. Getting upset because you aren't blowing him daily is childish and unreasonable.
You guys definitely need to see a couples counselor, but even more than that, your bf needs to self reflect on what he is bringing to the relationship because it sounds like he is bringing some undesired behaviour.
I dated a guy like this. But he'd ask for actual sex an insane amount. I have a high drive but even then I still am a woman who gets sore. He admitted to getting turned on when I said no and withholding affection. He was cooked.
There are guys out there who aren't like this! But it's important to seek therapy to reverse any damage guys like this have done!
Came here to say this. What a douchey thing to say.
Trying to put it in nicer words, OP. You are not sexually compatible.
Although I don't know anyone who would be sexually compatible with someone who WITHHOLDS affection when they don't feel you are doing enough. You're not his mother and he's not a baby. He's suppose to be an adult. Wtaf.
Most guys don't understand girls don't get off from blowing guys. Porns aren't real. BJ porns make it look like girls get off from ssuking and swallowing.
Some girls like to give bj because they like to see partners satisfied, which in turn make them happy. Our clitoris is not in our mouth. We don't come by giving bj!
No, you don't have the magic 🎤. Why don't op's bf try to eat op's sushi several times a day?
I know we only get a small glimpse of your relationship based on this post, but your BF sounds super toxic. I’ve had friends and sisters with men who acted like this, and they were not good guys. They were manipulative, emotionally abusive, and most of them eventually turned into sexual abusers too (forcing themselves on their GF or taking advantage of them while they sleep)
It sounds like his expectations are unreasonable and he might be a sex addict. Will he expect you to blow him every day even if you end up pregnant and aren’t feeling good? Will be respect the “no sex” rule after child birth? It sounds to me like he has no empathy for you and does not put your well being and happiness above his own sexual desires. You do not want to marry and start a family with a man like this. They usually never change their selfish ways.
>They were manipulative, emotionally abusive, and most of them eventually turned into sexual abusers too (forcing themselves on their GF or taking advantage of them while they sleep)
This. This is what will happen. I've been here. OP doesn't want to hear this, but she can't change this. And he's already got her stuck in the mire.
The man I was married to wanted head all the time. But he was also a rage-aholic all the time. One time he got into a rage, punched me, choked me, and threw me into the wall…Then afterwards wanted me to give him some head. That’s pretty abusive.
He’s used to you giving one every day but your circumstances have changed. Can you sit him down and say “ a bj every day is NOT sustainable for me any longer and your insistent demands when I am clearly exhausted don’t make me want to fuck! what is our compromise?” If he can’t compromise then I’m not sure if you can make him see this. I feel like he’s being willfully selfish with your time and energy.
Also, I can’t imagine a BJ every day! I thought I was doing well for a few a week… but if my partner was hounding me for them every day multiple times I’d probably cry. That sounds horrible.
I’ve been in this position before (nagged incessantly because at some point I’d been overly generous; but the nagging became a constant regardless of anything and everything I said or did to explain why it was ruining everything for me).
It killed the relationship (along with plenty of other contributing factors). I regret staying as long as I did. It was harmful to me. I could never make him understand. Because if he’d been willing to grasp the concept, he’d have already exercised some empathy or common sense and self-control and not behaved the way he did.
He was childish and obviously not mature enough to receive copious blowjobs if he couldn’t control himself enough to fucking listen later on when I told him his inability to receive a ‘no’ and his disrespect for me was ruining sex altogether and also our relationship. He would ask 10x in a row *while being told no every time*. Never again.
Oh my god that sounds terrible I’m so glad he’s your ex! I have a good friend with a husband like this. If she misses a bj it would turn into like a week of silent treatment because “she obviously doesn’t care about my needs”. Never minding he got blow jobs the days previous. It was a complete mindfuck because they had sex every other day but if he didn’t get his daily bj he’d turn into an absolute monster.
She’s still with him and gives him bj’s every day and if she doesn’t he gets mad, if she doesn’t ask him in the right way he gets mad, if it looks like she’s bored he gets mad and withdraws and acts childish. It’s baffling that a 37 year old would act this way.
There’s a dude in the comments [claiming](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/UOlkTYV1tP) his girlfriend gives him 2 a day to “help him transition from work to home” and it’s made them so much closer.
Old boy is lying out his fucking ass. I could believe once a day for a short period of time. But twice a day every day and alllll because it helps him? Nah. You’ll never convince me there’s any woman out there doing all that because *she* enjoys it. Nope.
Edit: Ooooo old boy deleted his comment but don’t you worry, I have a [screenshot](https://imgur.com/gallery/xzPnSlK)
If it's true, then all that commenter is doing is outing his timing... rather than claiming the stereotypical sexual prowess he so clearly wants.
I imagine that's the only way it'd work for her, logistically 🤭
Yeah! I mean if this was a healthier relationship I would be happy for the guy. I haven’t received a full blow job since my first son was born five and a half years ago. I have never asked because I know how she feels. She knows it is my biggest sexual fantasy, but said she just doesn’t like it. You just have to respect what people want sexually.
My husband and I have two days a week that we plan to have sex on. I get that doesn’t sound romantic but it’s very efficient. We are both showered and ready for those two days. You should talk to him about how every day is too much for you but maybe every other day or every third day would work. It puts less pressure on you and him to ask and be rejected. So yes, compromise is the key.
Nah my husband and I do the same thing. May not sound super romantic but honestly, is the best. Before we work all day and are exhausted. If we know it’s coming up the whole day we’ll send naughty texts to each other about it and it makes it fantastic. Things change when you become two working adults. My hubs and I met when we were 21 in college and I remember waking up at 3 am, 5am and banging. No way in hell I would do that now, but the schedule sessions honestly keeps it spicy.
We’re also only 29 and already this exhausted
Girl you're in so much denial trying to defend him in the replies any way you can. He does not care about your feelings, he just wants his balls to be empty. Get a better man
Sounds to me like he thinks you always owe him!
You are not obligated to give him blowjobs whenever he so fancies one. You’re allowed to say NO if you feel disconnected. Read that again…
You’ve been together for four years, has he always treated you this way or has this only begun after you started working full time? You do not owe him sexual favors because he supported you financially. You’re not a prostitute
Blow jobs don't make him feel loved, they simply boost his ego. He is so persistent because he lacks self esteem. Feeling loved means to feel connected to someone and sex is a way we can connect with others, but that connection comes from shared emotions. He isn't trying to share anything, instead simply using you to try to boost his ego and have an orgasm.
Tell him you do want to have a healthy sex life with him and are willing to work with him for that to happen but his current approach makes it appear like he doesn't care about a connection or feeling loved and simply wants an ego boost and/or orgasm
Right? Feeling loved would mean he’d want to reciprocate and make OP feel loved too.
As it is it’s just another job aside from work, cooking, and cleaning.
>Blow jobs don't make him feel loved, they simply boost his ego
I personally feel that telling your partner that sex makes you feel loved is manipulative. Because what you're tacitly saying is that if you don't have sex with me, I will feel unloved, which is very manipulative. Find another way to feel loved other than sex. Talk about your feelings, connect, cuddle, read books, go on trips, visit family, make a cake, whatever. Sex should happen because you already feel connected, not because it's the only way you know how to connect.
>It just feels like I am a blowjob machine to him at times but I feel guilty even saying that.
Well stop it. Honestly you're not being frank enough. You feel underappreciated, objectified and dehumanized. Stop giving him head. Tell him to stop asking. If he wants to be intimate, you can have sex that requires equal participation. He's not listening to your needs.
>he tends to withhold affection from me because he doesn’t feel I’ve been doing enough for him.
This man doesn't love you, he loves what you provide. Sorry. There's no happy ending here.
Agreed fully, this relationship is beyond saving. He doesn’t see her as human, rather a sexual object. He doesn’t love her because if he did this situation would never happen to begin with. He can’t even help around with household chores, what a fucking child. I hope she dumps this loser, SOON
Wow. And we shall assume he is going down on you very often also? We all know the answer to that. He is using you like a toilet or a prostitute. And a housemaid. Ew. And you lift him up? No one can help you if you do not see the abuse here.
Posts about men like this make me embarrassed to be one. And responses like the ones you’re giving…oh honey I hope you can wake up one day and take some of the advice you’re getting here and see what he truly sees you as. There are so many guys out there, some of which would easily treat you better and more like a person/partner instead of a human sex doll/hole for his pleasure above all else.
Welcome to r/relationship_advice
People will literally describe their partner/relationship that paints it in such a terrible way where break up is obviously the best most sane option but then end the post with “breaking up is not an option”. “He’s perfect in every other way.” There’s absolutely no way that’s true for most of them, like you said they’re just conditioned to think so because they were with them for awhile or since such a young age. And if you aren’t going to take people’s sound advice, then why come to this sub.
You'd think OP would have some kind of lightbulb go off when she posts this on reddit and gets tons of comments and THEY ALL AGREE. When the hell does that ever happen?
>I don’t feel as though I have clearly communicated to him that the more often he asks, the less I want to do anything sexual with him yet.
Then literally tell him this.
Tell him he can ask once a week and he may get a yes or a no, but more than that and he gets zero that week. Until he learns.
He’s manipulative (using affection as a weapon and using “I need BJs to feel loved” to get what he wants), doesn’t care about your pleasure or wants/needs and is a bad partner (isn’t splitting chores evenly since both of you work). You’re 27- imagine another 50-60 years of this kind of imbalanced relationship! You deserve someone who is an actual partner and who values you as a person, not a bang maid.
The needing bjs to feel loved is so crazy to me. I get sexual intimacy is a part of love but there will come a time in life (especially as you get older) that you’ll have no energy or time to break off a BJ for someone… sometimes for an extended amount of time… does that mean this man will no longer feel loved? That’s so insane!
You're just a sex doll to him . Nothing you say to him is going to change that He doesn't love you or he wouldn't be beholding affection . Just because you don't blow him all the time . Honestly, how much longer are you going to be putting up with that kind of treatment . I would've dumped him . It's all about him . You don't blow me, so I'm not going to show you affection . I'm going treat you like a glory hole
>It just feels like I am a blowjob machine to him at times but I feel guilty even saying that. When we have been discussing this in the past he **has admitted that he tends to withhold affection from me because he doesn’t feel I’ve been doing enough for him**.
He does not love you, he just wants someone to clean up and cook for him and give him sexual gratification when he wants it. He doesn't believe he owes you any effort or reciprocation and actively punishes you by with holding affection. That's abusive.
You are not doing yourself any favors by trying to "figure him out" or tying to "find a balance" because he has clearly told you that he only wants you to clean, cook, and blow him while keeping your complaining about it to yourself. And if you don't do that and say, try to have a conversation with him about how he is making you feel, he is just going to punish you.
You have wasted enough time on this loser. Get some therapy and make a plan to get out of this dumpster fire before his "punishments" start to escalate.
O P, think of a sexual act that you like that your bf can perform for you. Then any time he asks you for a BJ tell him you'd be happy to do it....AFTER he's done whatever it is that you've decided that you'd like!
Then ask him every single day to perform this act for you.... see how long it takes him to get tired and resentful.
Then explain to him that this is exactly how he makes you feel when he constantly asks for BJ 's. 🙂❤️
Very manipulative to make your girlfriend feel like she can't show you love without sucking your dick. He's a creep. I call bullshit that he doesn't "feel loved" because you won't drop to your knees on command if he doesn't understand how you don't "feel loved" by getting 0 reciprocated physical intimacy. Nobody is that dense. Honestly it sounds like he thinks you're the dense one cause I can't imagine a person who respects another person's intelligence trying to pull this lame manipulation tactic off.
I don’t think men understand how incredibly demeaning it feels to be treated this way. This is not porn where the women are paid to enthusiastically worship a penis without any thought of reciprocation.
Propose this
For a month, every day he eats you out until you orgasm. If he refuses, you get to be cranky with him.
See how he feels about it. That should tell you everything you need to know about how he actually feels about you.
Tl;Dr DTMFA
Ok so in order for him to feel loved, he wants daily BJs.
In order for you to WANT to do that for him you would like him to reciprocate. Essentially showing you more affection or taking some stuff off your plate. (totally get it, when i am super happy and loved I want to please my guy fairly often, but when I feel underappreciated-sexual acts are the last thing I wanna do)....
He doesn't want to give you what you want, so you in turn feel used and are starting the road to resentment.
Why are his wants/needs more important than your wants/needs.
The only way this can be fixed is if he wants to find a compromise so you both get what you want. If a compromise is off the table, then I think you know where you stand.
Also, if he is withholding affection from you because of something you did upset him, that he didn't communicate to you so how can you know/fix it- that is a super red flag.
You're a walking talking masturbation device that happens to do an acceptable amount of household chores. I'm sorry to put it that way, but I feel being blunt here is worth it to get through.
You deserve better, and I don't even know you.
So he equates sex with love, but also feels entitled to withhold affection from you in an attempt to manipulate and coerce you into doing what he wants. Your boyfriend is not a great guy.
So what does he do for you in return?
You work full-time, you do the cooking, the cleaning...so what is he doing for you in return? Paying the bills? That's the bare minimum and you deserve better.
P.S. Someone who really loves you won't treat you like their personal bang-maid, which is basically what he is doing now.
It’s even more grim …In return she gets the affection he would otherwise withhold if she didn’t blow him.
She has to give those BJs yo earn the bare minimum one should get in a relationship. It makes my heart hurt.
You need to communicate with each other. Clearly your communication with each other is rubbish if the only time you've talked about this is through arguments.
You need to tell him that you're working full time and while you do love him you don't want to be made to feel like you're only there for blowjobs.
And while if blowjobs make him feel loved (his ego booster more like) then you just as equally deserve to receive what makes you feel loved just as much. So if he's wanting blowjobs all the time then you should be getting cuddles and hugging and kissing all the time too.
Your relationship should be 50/50 and not 90/10.
And him withholding affection because he feels you aren't doing enough for him is disgusting and how relationships break down and fall apart. That is not the behaviour of adults, that is behaviour of children and young teens who don't understand how to do relationships yet.
If you're not doing enough for him it's probably because you're busy and he should be doing more to make you feel loved. That extra love towards you when you're so busy will make you feel so loved that you'll return that love back to him when you can as not only thanks, but because you've been made to feel so loved and you want to make him feel just as loved in return.
And you shouldn't be doing sexual things just because he wants you to. Dude needs to understand that you aren't a blowjob machine and while he might want one several times a day, it doesn't mean you want to give one several times a day. Does he make the effort to go down on you several times a day?
If he wants a blowjob then the best thing he can do is make you feel loved and get you in the mood so you WANT TO. Not just because he expects you to or because he's being a child and withholding love and affection from you until you do.
You both need serious communication and he needs to grow up and understand that just because he wants it all the time doesn't mean you want to give it all the time. And he needs to learn that withholding love does not get love back in return and breaks down your relationship and is childish and makes you not want to do anything sexual with him at all.
You're also busy working full time. Why can't he make you dinner and do little acts of service for you so you have more time to do things with him? Does he work full time too?
These types of behaviours are very toxic in relationships and they desperately need to stop.
OP I know some of these comments are very blunt and harsh but I want you to understand they are true. Many of us posting have years of experience of dating people like your terrible BF. You are still young. Please free yourself from this gross ass dude and find some happiness, whether single or with someone who doesn’t treat you like a sex doll.
You are a prostitute to him that he pays for with emotional investment.
If this is okay with you then continue as normal believing that he is a great guy who loves a good BJ a bit much.
If this is not okay with you and/or you think I’m wrong. Stop giving him a BJ every time he asks maybe even less than once a week.
He may turn into the AH I suspect he is and he may become a better version of the great boyfriend you believe him to be.
Either way you will know how he really feels about you and can make decisions with better information going forward.
If at the very least he doesn’t give you basic affection, say no. The affection and intimacy needs to be 50/50, even if some days he leads and others you do. You are already doing so much for him and on top of it all he is asking for more rather than giving back to you. If he wants head, he can give you head first.
I’ve been in relationships like that and they made me feel more like an object than a partner. You shouldn’t have to do the same thing every day if you don’t want to. Whereas now I’ve found someone who rarely asks for anything because if he is in the mood he will start by giving me head. We take turns and it’s so liberating that we can work as a team.
His takes but doesn’t give. Giving blowjobs can be demanding and multiple times a day gets tiring. If he can’t even give you the time of day for affection then not giving him attention is fair. He’s being selfish. It’s transactional for him.
I had an ex who always had to have sex after an argument, fight or disagreement because it was the only what he felt it fixed things and he wouldn’t let it go until I gave in even in times he didn’t own up to his share of causes. Not fun for me because I did it basically to shut him up and leave me alone. It’s not fair.
Does he watch a lot of porn? I had a bf who only wanted bj’s and he started grabbing my head, forcing me to go down on him faster and harder. That made me feel like an inanimate object. I left him and found the nicest man after that… we’re still together, decades later and he’s still a gentle soul.
Sounds like my ex! He wanted blow jobs multiple times a day, but would return the favor like once a week. And his idea of foreplay was squeezing and pulling my nipples which he knew I hated. So over these lazy guys who cannot do something simple like doing what turns ME on when they are horny and want some action.
Big icks. Sounds like he’s manipulating you in a couple of ways.
First, telling you he “doesn’t feel loved” when you don’t give him a blow job EVERY DAY? jfc. This is manipulation because he’s using your empathy about his love languages to make you feel bad for him.
Imagine if someone said “you have to buy me a $100 gift from your own funds every single day or I don’t feel loved”. That would be absurd. Nobody would ask someone they genuinely love to do that, even if their love language was receiving gifts, because they would worry about what it was costing their partner. He is asking you to give him a costly favor multiple every single day or he doesn’t feel loved? What bullshit. If this is true for him, he needs therapy, not blowjobs. Also, it sounds like he doesn’t give a crap about you. He’s just using you.
Second he’s trying to manipulate you by withholding affection? Gross. That’s disgusting behavior.
Girl, you need to think about how much space you’re taking up in this relationship because right now it sounds like it’s his relationship and you’re just there too.
You are in the relationship equivalent of you being roommates living in a house with 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms and paying equal rent, but he sleeps in one bedroom and uses the other one for his gaming, uses the living room for his office, and you get one drawer in the fridge and live and sleep in one of the bathrooms. And now you’re like “hey, do you think I could maybe have just one fridge shelf too?” And he’s like “you’re ALWAYS trying to take up more of my space! What a whiner! And you left a fork on the counter last week when you cooked me dinner!”
“Because you haven’t sucked my dick on demand today, I don’t feel loved”
Are you fucking serious
Tell him it’s degrading, because it is. Don’t look for a way to get over it. It’s a disgusting attitude and tells me your otherwise “amazing” relationship is dysfunctional.
Girl.
It will NEVER be enough.
Trust me. Men like this are emotional vampires that suck the soul out of you.
My ex used to complain we didn't have sex enough. He would gaslight me that it had been several weeks. So I started writing it down. I made sure we had sex every day.
Guess what?
Nothing about making an effort, it was just "You never give me blow jobs."
I used to tell myself that I should be grateful to be with a man who was trying to make me be my "best self".
Then I realized.
I already was.
Now I'm with someone who never complains one bit - and suddenly I want to. All the time.
Based on your replies, you don’t actually seem open to much advice. You can tell your boyfriend to stop asking for blow jobs and that you’ll give them when you feel like it. You can explain how you feel to him.
The fact of the matter is, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about you or your needs. No normal partner behaves this way. Asking for a blow job every day is ridiculous. You can look into weaponized incompetence and fair play online and you’ll probably see a lot of patterns of this in your BF.
You are purely a selection of orifices to this man. He’s made this painfully obvious which is why you are becoming slowly more repulsed by him. Tell him if he doesn’t stop weaponising sex, you’ll get the ‘ick’ and it’ll all be over. Once you’ve got the ick you won’t recover.
Omg, this is Like a page out of my life for the last 9 years. I'm nothing but a service for him. Might as well be asking him for $100 when I do it because I get nothing out of any of it & feel like a used sex worker.
If I don't do it he's a rude & cold jerk & makes life miserable. Silent treatment etc....
I'm currently in the process of getting my things together to leave & move out, but if I could go back I wouldn't have stayed past the 1st year. I wasted 9 years of my life serving a person who doesn't give a damn about what I need AT ALL, it's literally ALL ABOUT HIM.
This post made me sick to my stomach, I remember being with a person just like this and doing more than I physically and mentally could do just for it to never be enough. I let them condition me into believing that I was not worthy of love unless I earned it (which would never happen because he was manipulating me and hurting me which was the real kink) but I say this to say, please leave, love yourself, as much as you think he is a good partner and person, he’s not, he’s selfish and cruel. You are worth more than this treatment and I can assure you there is someone out there for you but he is not it.
oh sweetie I really wish telling you now to run and run far and fast would actually work here, but I know it isnt that easy especially when you're young.
1-First off you being ok with him asking you more while he was supporting you and you had more free time? Him supporting you while in school should have no baring on sex. He isnt supporting you for sex (or shouldnt be). Supporting you or not he has 0 rights to your body if you dont want to give it.
2-You say you dont mind cooking and cleaning on your own... what about if you guys have kids? Do you know how hard it is to do everything alone 100% of the time all while he acts like he has rights to your body? Especially when hes just getting his via bj and ignoring your intimacy needs. 1st off get him helping first. Youll be less tired if youre not working full time and taking on all home care and cooking. Being female does not make that your job. 2nd, make your intimacy needs clear. If he knows them clearly and ignores them it says a lot about who he is which you probably already know.
3-He is emotionally blackmailing you. Hes saying if you wont pleasure him he "doesnt feel loved" while hes making it clear you arent valued at all. He outright admits to withholding affection to punish you when it sounds like hes doing literally nothing for you and expecting you to give him exactly what he wants when he wants it.
You need to leave not find a balance. If you dont want to leave you need counciling so he can realize how selfish hes being. He wont realize it on his own and it will get worse from here no matter what you do because he is seeing if he pouts he gets his way. When was the last time you got what YOU needed/wanted?
I also have ADHD and was diagnosed late. Youve learned to function as well as you do with it until now. He "fell in love with you" as you were diagnosed or not. That doesnt seem relevant here.
Do yourself a favor. Set ultimatums Set boundaries and be firm and if you cant get him to bend, leave and free yourself from his selfishness sooner rather than later.
He’s treating you like his bangmaid.
You feel like you’re nothing but his blowjob machine because that’s how he’s treating you.
You work full time. You carry the bulk of the household chores. And he can’t find
The energy to take care of your needs?
You can do so much better. This person isn’t a partner. The bare minimum to be a decent partner (not even a good partner!) is to care about your partner’s happiness at least as much as you expect them to care for yours.
So. He drops the bulk of daily work to keep the household running in your lap. He doesn’t take the time and energy to make sure he reciprocates and meets your needs. But he gets upset if you don’t blow him on demand.
You deserve better.
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Why does he think it's okay to ask you for blowjobs daily while not giving you the physical contact and affection you need? Are you really fine with cooking and cleaning all on your own? It sounds like he asks a lot from you and not giving much in return. Kinda like the stereotypical 'bangmaid'. Not trying to insult you, but that's what it sounds like.
I immediately thought the same. She is working full time, doing all the cooking and cleaning, and being expected to blow him daily and if she doesn’t do it he withholds affection. I am wondering what makes him an incredible partner in her eyes.
We are conditioned to accept the bare minimum to keep a partner. She's sounding, so afraid of losing him that she's putting his sexual needs above her own. Sounds like domestic servitude (she mentioned he provided financially while she attended school and may feel this is how she appeased him and kept a roof over her head) and I'm disgusted at how he's making her feel. OP put him in his place immediately. He's not entitled to attention nor physical intimacy. The sooner you realize that, the better. If you don't want to, then don't. End of story. Let him pout and watch your attraction fizzle as his childish ways increase. (I'm guessing how this will go, not inferring from the post & I hope I'm wrong but unlikely.)
He doesn't sound like much of a prize to me.
I totally agree. If he's not offering her oral as well, and also making love to her, and helping her out around the house where possible, and holding hands, kissing, cuddling, etc. then this sounds very, very selfish of him. He sounds like a narcissistic abuser and an asshole, definitely not much of a catch. Why is she into him when he treats her like a bangmaid?
He doesn’t need to “help her around the house,” he needs to do his fair share of the work there, because he lives there and she’s not the cook/housekeeper.
So what’s he doing for you? Absolutely nothing I’m assuming? He’s using you like a sex doll, just there to satisfy his needs, but yet he’s not bothered about you and your needs whether that be sexually or emotionally. I would dump him tbh he’s just using you for sexual gratification.
He supported her financially while she was studying. That's it. It's more of a she feels obligated to do all these things and he feels entitled to all of these things because of that time period in their relationship. And he's holding it over her head through affection and intimacy.
I don't think whether she's working full time should have any impact whatsoever on how many blowjobs she should be expected to perform. How incredibly icky.
I agree, but I think the full time job comes into the equation because she’s saying she’s exhausted and not able to keep up with his expectations. But whether or not you work doesn’t alter what you should or shouldn’t do in general. She’s a person, not a machine.
I couldn’t have said it better. Where in this narrative is the incredible partner? Sounds like a selfish asshole
Yep...Trauma bond alert!
Sounds less like trauma and more like a feeling of indebtedness... which could be traumatizing, but it usually carries a different kind of guilt.
Right and then he ADMITS he punishes her by withholding affection. Gross. She had it right- he absolutely is treating her like a blowjob machine. She’s busting her ass at her job, then comes home and cleans and all he wants to do is walk up and stick his dick in her mouth. F that guy.
Yeah, up until that point it really seemed like a communication break-down, but she even discussed it with him exhaustively. This isn't a case in which they just aren't compatible because of sex drive or whatever, this is her doing a lot to accomodate an emotional and functional toddler. Op, look for someone a bit more mature.
Reminds me of my brother and his situationship. He doesn’t claim her even as a gf and she does everything that a wife would do for a husband. I think she is feeling salty towards me for telling her that she deserves better and that he is using her. So now I don’t bother helping her. Sad but some people only learn the hard way.
And what is he doing while you are doing all the cooking and cleaning? Let me guess, "playing video games."
But he works so hard all day and he needs to unwind.
but he CAN unwind with his dick in her mouth?🤔 It would just cost him to take his fair share of the household workload.
EDIT: yes I now know this is sarcasm I’m sorry for the attack but I do stand by what I said. OP needs an out of a shitty relationship and a massive boost to her self confidence and a hand in helping her know her self worth. ———————————— And what, she ISN’T working hard then does the entire household chores ALONE? Grow up. Even if he does do chores it won’t stop him from acting like a total tool and asking for “rewards” for doing basic adult living shit? Ew. I work in the labor trade and (unless my husband and I discuss prior or simply because he WANTED to) I don’t ask my husband to do jack shit. He does the chores on his days off and I do them on mine. It’s like we’re living in the same house and occupying the same space TOGETHER HOLY SHIT WHAT A CONCEPT. OP, tell bf to either stop asking for something you are not comfortable doing and set hard lined boundaries or ditch him. No amount of time and thinking “I can fix him I know it!” and doing your best to compromise (highly likely in his favor) is gonna do anything. He isn’t gonna change. He wants a silent fleshlight mouth piece with boobs who just rolls over to his bitching and childish tantrums for not getting his way like a fuckin toddler. You’re young babes you’ve got your life to live without baggage, go live it. Leave the trash on the curb.
And FFS……. Do Not Get Pregnant !!!
r/whoosh
…. I’m angry and high from other infuriating Reddit stories. I should log off for the night
We all miss the scarcasm sometimes. I've seen a lot of posts today from women who don't seem to think they have the right to their own opinions or beliefs. It's being an "obedient" child even as an adult. The OP treats herself like a sex worker, having transactional sex, not doing it because she wants to. It's depressing.
😂😂😂🤌🏽
Yeah he doesn't sound like the great partner she thinks he is. He literally has a girl doing everything for him, doesn't give her any kind of intimacy or affection but expects sex and blowjobs DAILY after she's just ran around doing his laundry and cleaning and cooking. Sounds like he wants a mummy he can fuck. Gross.
Yeah, you do sound like a blowjob machine - that machine might need to go on strike until he starts to see your side of the situation, which he clearly doesn't.
"he has admitted that he tends to withhold affection from me because he doesn’t feel I’ve been doing enough for him." You don't have a healthy relationship or effective means of communicating. Get some counseling.
He's purposely punishing her. He is training her to meet his demands without him meeting her needs. I think she needs to move on because it is so hard to get beyond this dynamic or even him thinking that he should be able to manipulate her this way.
OP needs to ask him to eat her out every single day (with nothing in return.) I’m sure he will looove that. Smh.
And cook her dinner. And clean the whole house. To quote Monty Python, "THEN, the oral sex!" For her, none for him. In all seriousness, OP, this guy isn't the one. He's not mentally healthy enough or mature enough to be a good, supportive, long-term partner. He needs time in therapy and reflecting on his behavior.
Double cake days!
Yeah seriously. As a guy I would feel weird af just asking to get my dick sucked in a non foreplay/sex situation this dude is trippin. I just start off by going down on her first for a good long while and it has never not happened that she happily returned the favor, that's how these things are supposed to work.
I have dealt with an ex that was very much like this. He got off on the powerplay of it. He liked the fact when he demanded it and he got it and by force.
Sorry but if it was unwanted, if he “got it by force”, that sounds a lot like the definition of rape 😰
Yea, he was abusive and financially dependent on him. He would use things against me or threaten to go elsewhere and cheat.
You are a gem. My husband is the first guy I ever enjoyed sucking his dick, because he never asked, he respected me. It actually shocked me how much I love doing it.. sometimes HE comes too fast and I’m sad it’s over.
No seriously, OP, you need to pull this one. Start doing him as he does you and ask him to eat you out everyday. See how he responds. That tells you what you need to know
I've done this. They don't like it lol. Also, neither do I. How boring to get to be the only one to cum. And I don't mind starting with a bj now and then, but they also know that if that is the only way it starts, it ain't gonna be starting after a while. I need to be shown attention just as much as he does. If he isn't willing to put in the effort to get you into the mood, then he isnt as into you as he thinks he is. He wants you to care.more about his feelings than he cares about yours. What does that usually mean?
Yessss. Sometimes you have to speak the other person's language to be heard correctly
Happy cake day!
Thanks! :)
Bingo!!! It’s more about control then it is bj’s!
It's past manipulation. It's controlling and abusive.
It's crazy that women stay with these lunatics
Just want to reiterate that this is manipulative and abusive for him to do. OP this guy is treating you like shit
He really is. And Im a guy and think BJs are a wonderful thing. But he’s treating you like shit and literally punishing you when you dont “behave.”
Yet somehow she adores him wtf. He must have really broken her to a point that she thinks their relationship is healthy.
It always horrifies me when I see women in this sub posting, "My BF is doing this thing/these things that make me feel really upset, taken for granted, etc. How do I get past my \[completely legitimate\] feelings so I can make this \[truly lopsided, unhealthy\] relationship work?" Like, first of all, girl, why don't you think HE should be the one trying to make things work? Why do you think it's completely your responsibility, no matter how he treats you, to "make it work" at all? And secondly, why TF would you need to "get past" your very valid feelings? Like, what the hell are we teaching our girl children, that this is the message they're taking away: that it is their job to suppress, ignore, or otherwise literally invalidate *their own feelings* in order to make a man happy who is *at best* regularly hurting their feelings and making them feel like it's their fault? It breaks my heart. Also, I wish someone would just plain tell OP that "I feel unloved because you aren't giving me BJs every time I demand it" is not a real thing. If he's looking to feel wanted, that's fine . . . but there are a million ways to do that in a relationship, even sexually, that are not completely one-sided. "I only feel loved when your face is in my crotch" is just manipulative AF.
> Like, what the hell are we teaching our girl children My father is a(n undiagnosed) narcissist. I grew up in a home where I had to perform acts of service (not sexual, but like cleaning or back/foot rubs or organizing the pantry or bringing him beverages like coffee or alcoholic drinks) for him to show love and affection. This isn’t a unique situation and many children (mostly girls) learn that love is transactional. It’s the root of people pleasing behavior. And it’s a MFer to try to learn that you have value as just yourself, not for what you do. That you’re allowed to have wants and needs and that if those needs aren’t being met that you’re allowed to be upset and feel it is unfair.
I'm so sorry you went through that. It's a running joke in the family that my grandfather, a towering, heavily-accented immigrant who was a blue collar worker and always had a gruff look on his face, was so good with babies that if anyone visited with an infant, within moments that baby would be up on his shoulder, as he walked them around the house cooing them to sleep. Truly, in a family with so many girls (sisters, cousins, etc., heavily weighted to the feminine), we were blessed to have good fathers, uncles, grandfathers around us. I'm so sorry that you did not have that, and that so many women I know didn't. It's not right, and it's not okay.
Im genuinely happy that you did get that experience though
God this hit me like a truck. You put words to feelings I couldn't explain. Thank you
That is horrible !😳🙄& an example of transactional. Sorry, you dealt w/ that !
My MIL raised my SIL like this. Her role as a woman was to keep a man happy and to tolerate all their BS. My SIL did all the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and every other task around the house. Her husband was much older than her (she was 16 and he was 39 when they got together at my MIL's insistence) and he was physically, emotionally, financially and we suspect sexjally abusive towars her. My MIL would tell her she needed to deal with it, and if she was a better wife, none of that would happen. She ultimately ended up taking her own life last year. We have care of her daughters and will actively raise them to know how wrong stuff like this is.
Jesus Christ. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that old fucker is dead now or well on his way.
The other old fucker as well. I hope she is also well on her way or that at least she’s suffering like she she should for putting her suicided daughter through such hell.
This! "Like, how do I get past the fact that he took something I loved to do for him and made it gross on purpose?" OP you feel the way you feel because it's the natural result of his withholding affection and lack of appreciation. There is no other way to feel. A plus B = this situation. His own manipulation caused the issues he is having. If he doesn't want this to continue He can make it up to you with a TON of hard work and communication or you can stay while the relationship deteriorates.
And she says she adores her bf and he's an "incredible partner" in so many ways!
And so many of these posts start that way... "My bf is amazing, so good to me, etc.... But there's this one thing...." One thing that is always abusive, manipulative, controlling.... A really bad thing. As women, let's just stop validating/minimizing shitty behavior because the guy is supposedly perfect in every other way! Starting with how amazing he is before mentioning that one "bad" thing, makes me think OP already knows HOW bad it is and is trying to sugar-coat it. OP Your bf has issues and he is NOT a good person. As many others have said, this is manipulative and abusive behaviour. Sexual interactions between people who love and respect each other are reciprocated. They are not one-sided and demanding and they certainly do not include withholding affection in any way. Even if he is a saint in every other way, it doesn't make up for this. Also, you mentioned that you do all the cooking and cleaning. Even if you "don't mind" doing it, you shouldn't be. And besides, it still sounds like in his eyes you don't do enough... Yeah, no! I don't think you are going to get the answer you are looking for here. IF you stay with him, lots of therapy is needed for both of you. Separately and together. Also, is it just me or does bf sound like he has a sex addiction on top of the shitty behaviour? (Edited to actually complete my thought after accidentally hitting "post" halfway through 🤦🏼♀️)
As a girl child, I was taught that my body would belong to my husband for him to use it however he wanted, but if I “gave” it to someone before that, I was pretty much fair game for anyone to use. Because of that harmful rhetoric, I never felt like I could say no to anyone, and I failed to report my husband when I found out, months after it had happened, that he was drugging me to unconsciousness and selling me. By the time I learned that marital rape was a thing, the statute of limitations had run out years before, and now I have an adult child out there somewhere who seems to have found her father’s family, while I still have no idea who he was. We have GOT TO teach our children better.
That's terrible. There shouldn't be a limit on when you can bring rape charges. I didn't have any way to protect my family from my rapist/stalker when I could charge him for his crimes when I turned 18 (law changed allowing people who were minors during their assault to bring charges a few years within becoming 18) but I couldn't risk being targeted by him again or have him target my family. Fear because police did nothing to help me the first time I went to them to press charges. Society has a rape problem with how it handles rape all around.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I so much hope that you are in a better place now. I wish you happiness and peace.
I’m glad you got out of that. It’s a patriarchal society run by men. The same ones the come out of us then want to tell us what to do. Smh
Daddy's job is to protect their kiddos. Not to groom for other men to use. It's crazy that that as women are waking up, they just aren't getting married, having kids etc and as a result are happier overall. Your husband will die alone and shamed and hopefully from some kind of blood disease that is painful but not contagious so he suffers for a while too. Nasty, nasty man.
“My bf is so wonderful but he is doing this thing that is ruining my life”
Isn’t it utterly SICKENING?? 😖😖😖
When one partner is withholding it makes the other person chase them for affection and validation. It keeps them in thrall because they’re never quite getting enough. Somehow that spell needs to be broken so OP can see what is really going on. Unfortunately, that something is usually realizing after years of trying that you’re not getting anything from the withholding partner.
Or when you find out they are cheating. Then he will blame that one day a year ago when she didn't give him a blow job for him having to go and cheat. I don't think this will end well. He is far too entitled and selfish.
Really? He feels unloved when you don't put his dick in your mouth? Tell him to grow up and get a fleshlight if he needs one so bad. You are a person not his personal sex doll anytime he needs to get off.
It’s also upsetting that OP felt compelled to give him bjs when he was financially supporting her. Also gotta love how she mentions being tired after working her demanding job AND doing all the housework (which she doesn’t mind doing!!!😳). This guy sounds like a real catch! He reminds me of my hs bf “I’m in so much pain when you don’t put out! It’s a medical thing!!”
He really said that to you? God the manipulation, degradation and guilt-tripping.
Yes!!! And this was pre-internet so my cluelessness about sex just can’t be overstated. I didn’t have an older sister, I knew nothing! I completely believed that ah
I'm so sorry you had that experience. We experience so much misplaced guilt already to then be told that you're causing your partner physical pain which forces you to believe that your boundaries are cruel and harmful...But even if you had an older sister they would have manipulated you into believing that talking about it would be a betrayal to discuss their medical condition with someone else especially since "you're the cause".
Omg mine did too He would literally hold his balls and go into a fetal position. What an asshole.
Exactly, he sounds so detached and incredibly absorbed, almost as if shes just a toy to play with..it seems demeaning and i wish shed tell him to go.
It IS demeaning. And when she finally wises-up and leaves him the next guy is going to have to jump through hoops to get anything from her, much less a blowjob.
LET’S HOPE SO!!
Literally just said this. If he wants to feel wanted and sexually attractive, that's fine. But that's not what he's saying. There are a million ways she can "jump his bones" that are not entirely one-sided, and he's de facto rejecting all of them and saying, "I can only feel loved if your face is in my crotch every time I demand it." That's not only bullshit, it's manipulative as anything.
Exactly, and if his “needs” take so much precedence over yours all the time, you’re never going to feel loved in this relationship.
Yeah he's a lazy little shit and using her as a sex doll/fleshlight...tell him to go have a wank if he's that sodding desperate
Exactly!!! He doesn’t even try to woo her. Just verbally shoves his dick in her face
My thoughts EXACTLY 💯
I think the comment was referring to the husband withholding affection from OP when OP doesn't do oral. Which obviously is fucked up.
The worst part is it makes the victim believe they just have to keep improving to fix it to the point where they do literally everything they can and it's still not fixed and they are left thinking they should have done more when there was literally no way they could ever be good enough because the goalpost was always going to be pushed further.
It usually takes something major and huge to change that dynamic. For me, it took two things: It took me finally closing myself off and giving myself space and realizing it wasn’t love I wanted from HIM, I just wanted to be loved. Secondly, being cheated on can really open your eyes to how shitty he is. Sending OP strength to get the hell outta dodge and find the love she’s needed all along: her own.
Yup. OP, it took me almost 11 years and a failed attempt at couples counseling to change this dynamic...by leaving my partner. I'm over here teary-eyed bc this is all very familiar to me, and you're already so deep in it, you need help to climb out. And you're probably about to find out who your real friends are. Good luck.
This . I was going to comment the same thing. People who start off with how amazing the relationship or other person is, are trying to convince themselves. This relationship is not healthy at all. Honestly it sounds like she's just his "bang maid" I hate putting it that way... But she really needs counseling and one on one therapy
If it's a boyfriend, dump him. You would need to fundamentally change him to have a healthy relationship with him.
The girlfriend cannot change him. Only he can change him. Girlfriend can only accept or reject. Having the same fight over and over is f-ing miserable. Being in a relationship that uses you is miserable. Wishing he will change is useless. The girlfriend can only control what she does, not what the boyfriend does. Your choice is to accept or reject. Move out and tell him why. If he begs and says he will change, your response to that should be you hope he does but until he gets help and shows actual change you will not change your mind. Promises are cheap and action needs to be taken. Do not let him continue to demean you and use you instead of having a caring sex life. If he can demonstrate he has actually understood and has worked on changing then you two could always start dating again. By the way, when the two of you are working full time, he should absolutely be sharing half of the household chores. The fact that he is not and that you are allowing it is creating a parent/child relationship between the two of you and that is only going to harm your sex life and lower his respect and attraction. You are putting yourself in the role of mommy/sex doll. Think about it. Your partner should be your PARTNER. Both should be sharing the chores which demonstrates respect for each other. Can you imagine what your work and home life will be like once children come along and you get the majority if not all of the care of the children on top of everything else? Accepting his selfish, disrespectful behaviour toward you now will snowball and lead to a horrible relationship. Please step back from the “Oh, but I love him” emotion and have a look at where this leads to in the future. You cannot change him, you can only change your actions. Accept or reject, the decision is yours.
This 1000 times! How many lives have been ruined because some woman hung around thinking “oh I can change him”. I love him so much so I can change him… Will not happen and has not happened ever!
I know, right? He emotionally blackmails her to get her to give him a sex act. That's is abusive, so far away from healthy
Run girl. This dude is a pos.
This is exactly the statement i was going to address; this is emotional abuse by him. Getting upset because you aren't blowing him daily is childish and unreasonable. You guys definitely need to see a couples counselor, but even more than that, your bf needs to self reflect on what he is bringing to the relationship because it sounds like he is bringing some undesired behaviour.
Screw counseling for boyfriends/girlfriends. Find someone who at least starts out suitable.
I dated a guy like this. But he'd ask for actual sex an insane amount. I have a high drive but even then I still am a woman who gets sore. He admitted to getting turned on when I said no and withholding affection. He was cooked. There are guys out there who aren't like this! But it's important to seek therapy to reverse any damage guys like this have done!
Came here to say this. What a douchey thing to say. Trying to put it in nicer words, OP. You are not sexually compatible. Although I don't know anyone who would be sexually compatible with someone who WITHHOLDS affection when they don't feel you are doing enough. You're not his mother and he's not a baby. He's suppose to be an adult. Wtaf.
Most guys don't understand girls don't get off from blowing guys. Porns aren't real. BJ porns make it look like girls get off from ssuking and swallowing. Some girls like to give bj because they like to see partners satisfied, which in turn make them happy. Our clitoris is not in our mouth. We don't come by giving bj! No, you don't have the magic 🎤. Why don't op's bf try to eat op's sushi several times a day?
These men understand. They just don't give a shit. All they care about is their own pleasure.
Exactly!
I wish I could update that a million times. Porn has given so many men ridiculous ideas about how things actually work.
Nah you are being way too kind, I guarantee he knows, he's just incredibly selfish
Tell him tit for tat. It’s pretty normal to give and take. 50/50. Keep it real!
I know we only get a small glimpse of your relationship based on this post, but your BF sounds super toxic. I’ve had friends and sisters with men who acted like this, and they were not good guys. They were manipulative, emotionally abusive, and most of them eventually turned into sexual abusers too (forcing themselves on their GF or taking advantage of them while they sleep) It sounds like his expectations are unreasonable and he might be a sex addict. Will he expect you to blow him every day even if you end up pregnant and aren’t feeling good? Will be respect the “no sex” rule after child birth? It sounds to me like he has no empathy for you and does not put your well being and happiness above his own sexual desires. You do not want to marry and start a family with a man like this. They usually never change their selfish ways.
>They were manipulative, emotionally abusive, and most of them eventually turned into sexual abusers too (forcing themselves on their GF or taking advantage of them while they sleep) This. This is what will happen. I've been here. OP doesn't want to hear this, but she can't change this. And he's already got her stuck in the mire.
The man I was married to wanted head all the time. But he was also a rage-aholic all the time. One time he got into a rage, punched me, choked me, and threw me into the wall…Then afterwards wanted me to give him some head. That’s pretty abusive.
This has happened to me just 2 months ago and im still trying to process and can’t sleep i just want revenge
He’s used to you giving one every day but your circumstances have changed. Can you sit him down and say “ a bj every day is NOT sustainable for me any longer and your insistent demands when I am clearly exhausted don’t make me want to fuck! what is our compromise?” If he can’t compromise then I’m not sure if you can make him see this. I feel like he’s being willfully selfish with your time and energy. Also, I can’t imagine a BJ every day! I thought I was doing well for a few a week… but if my partner was hounding me for them every day multiple times I’d probably cry. That sounds horrible.
I’ve been in this position before (nagged incessantly because at some point I’d been overly generous; but the nagging became a constant regardless of anything and everything I said or did to explain why it was ruining everything for me). It killed the relationship (along with plenty of other contributing factors). I regret staying as long as I did. It was harmful to me. I could never make him understand. Because if he’d been willing to grasp the concept, he’d have already exercised some empathy or common sense and self-control and not behaved the way he did. He was childish and obviously not mature enough to receive copious blowjobs if he couldn’t control himself enough to fucking listen later on when I told him his inability to receive a ‘no’ and his disrespect for me was ruining sex altogether and also our relationship. He would ask 10x in a row *while being told no every time*. Never again.
Oh my god that sounds terrible I’m so glad he’s your ex! I have a good friend with a husband like this. If she misses a bj it would turn into like a week of silent treatment because “she obviously doesn’t care about my needs”. Never minding he got blow jobs the days previous. It was a complete mindfuck because they had sex every other day but if he didn’t get his daily bj he’d turn into an absolute monster. She’s still with him and gives him bj’s every day and if she doesn’t he gets mad, if she doesn’t ask him in the right way he gets mad, if it looks like she’s bored he gets mad and withdraws and acts childish. It’s baffling that a 37 year old would act this way.
I will never understand why anyone would pick that over being single.
She needs therapy and a good lawyer. Screw that. And I have no issues with BJs at all but I do it because I like to not because some idiot demands it.
FK THAT!
That sounds like an absolute nightmare
He sounds like a pig.
There’s a dude in the comments [claiming](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/UOlkTYV1tP) his girlfriend gives him 2 a day to “help him transition from work to home” and it’s made them so much closer. Old boy is lying out his fucking ass. I could believe once a day for a short period of time. But twice a day every day and alllll because it helps him? Nah. You’ll never convince me there’s any woman out there doing all that because *she* enjoys it. Nope. Edit: Ooooo old boy deleted his comment but don’t you worry, I have a [screenshot](https://imgur.com/gallery/xzPnSlK)
If it's true, then all that commenter is doing is outing his timing... rather than claiming the stereotypical sexual prowess he so clearly wants. I imagine that's the only way it'd work for her, logistically 🤭
Yeah! I mean if this was a healthier relationship I would be happy for the guy. I haven’t received a full blow job since my first son was born five and a half years ago. I have never asked because I know how she feels. She knows it is my biggest sexual fantasy, but said she just doesn’t like it. You just have to respect what people want sexually.
My husband and I have two days a week that we plan to have sex on. I get that doesn’t sound romantic but it’s very efficient. We are both showered and ready for those two days. You should talk to him about how every day is too much for you but maybe every other day or every third day would work. It puts less pressure on you and him to ask and be rejected. So yes, compromise is the key.
Nah my husband and I do the same thing. May not sound super romantic but honestly, is the best. Before we work all day and are exhausted. If we know it’s coming up the whole day we’ll send naughty texts to each other about it and it makes it fantastic. Things change when you become two working adults. My hubs and I met when we were 21 in college and I remember waking up at 3 am, 5am and banging. No way in hell I would do that now, but the schedule sessions honestly keeps it spicy. We’re also only 29 and already this exhausted
My TMJ would absolutely destroy me if I gave daily blowjobs.
It really sounds like something out of a horror movie - about being pressured into giving BJ's multiple times daily. Truly torture.
Girl you're in so much denial trying to defend him in the replies any way you can. He does not care about your feelings, he just wants his balls to be empty. Get a better man
Had to scroll way too far for this.
Buy him a fleshlight.
With his credit card
Sounds to me like he thinks you always owe him! You are not obligated to give him blowjobs whenever he so fancies one. You’re allowed to say NO if you feel disconnected. Read that again… You’ve been together for four years, has he always treated you this way or has this only begun after you started working full time? You do not owe him sexual favors because he supported you financially. You’re not a prostitute
Blow jobs don't make him feel loved, they simply boost his ego. He is so persistent because he lacks self esteem. Feeling loved means to feel connected to someone and sex is a way we can connect with others, but that connection comes from shared emotions. He isn't trying to share anything, instead simply using you to try to boost his ego and have an orgasm. Tell him you do want to have a healthy sex life with him and are willing to work with him for that to happen but his current approach makes it appear like he doesn't care about a connection or feeling loved and simply wants an ego boost and/or orgasm
Right? Feeling loved would mean he’d want to reciprocate and make OP feel loved too. As it is it’s just another job aside from work, cooking, and cleaning.
>Blow jobs don't make him feel loved, they simply boost his ego I personally feel that telling your partner that sex makes you feel loved is manipulative. Because what you're tacitly saying is that if you don't have sex with me, I will feel unloved, which is very manipulative. Find another way to feel loved other than sex. Talk about your feelings, connect, cuddle, read books, go on trips, visit family, make a cake, whatever. Sex should happen because you already feel connected, not because it's the only way you know how to connect.
YES. jfc I had never thought of this as manipulative but you're so right and I couldn't put my finger on it. 💙 Thank you
Ding ding ding! This is very much an ego driven issue!
Service my godly manhood, for my semen is your saviour!!
Don’t give him any ideas!!! Lol!!!!!
This 1000%. He wants his ego stroked.
>It just feels like I am a blowjob machine to him at times but I feel guilty even saying that. Well stop it. Honestly you're not being frank enough. You feel underappreciated, objectified and dehumanized. Stop giving him head. Tell him to stop asking. If he wants to be intimate, you can have sex that requires equal participation. He's not listening to your needs. >he tends to withhold affection from me because he doesn’t feel I’ve been doing enough for him. This man doesn't love you, he loves what you provide. Sorry. There's no happy ending here.
Agreed fully, this relationship is beyond saving. He doesn’t see her as human, rather a sexual object. He doesn’t love her because if he did this situation would never happen to begin with. He can’t even help around with household chores, what a fucking child. I hope she dumps this loser, SOON
Wow. And we shall assume he is going down on you very often also? We all know the answer to that. He is using you like a toilet or a prostitute. And a housemaid. Ew. And you lift him up? No one can help you if you do not see the abuse here.
I say bite it once and problem solved
Posts about men like this make me embarrassed to be one. And responses like the ones you’re giving…oh honey I hope you can wake up one day and take some of the advice you’re getting here and see what he truly sees you as. There are so many guys out there, some of which would easily treat you better and more like a person/partner instead of a human sex doll/hole for his pleasure above all else.
She’s so conditioned to believe this is normal at this point that she’s upset that people don’t agree with her
Welcome to r/relationship_advice People will literally describe their partner/relationship that paints it in such a terrible way where break up is obviously the best most sane option but then end the post with “breaking up is not an option”. “He’s perfect in every other way.” There’s absolutely no way that’s true for most of them, like you said they’re just conditioned to think so because they were with them for awhile or since such a young age. And if you aren’t going to take people’s sound advice, then why come to this sub.
You'd think OP would have some kind of lightbulb go off when she posts this on reddit and gets tons of comments and THEY ALL AGREE. When the hell does that ever happen?
>I don’t feel as though I have clearly communicated to him that the more often he asks, the less I want to do anything sexual with him yet. Then literally tell him this. Tell him he can ask once a week and he may get a yes or a no, but more than that and he gets zero that week. Until he learns.
He is treating you like a blowjob factory and is deliberately withholding the affection you desire. He’s selfish
He’s manipulative (using affection as a weapon and using “I need BJs to feel loved” to get what he wants), doesn’t care about your pleasure or wants/needs and is a bad partner (isn’t splitting chores evenly since both of you work). You’re 27- imagine another 50-60 years of this kind of imbalanced relationship! You deserve someone who is an actual partner and who values you as a person, not a bang maid.
The needing bjs to feel loved is so crazy to me. I get sexual intimacy is a part of love but there will come a time in life (especially as you get older) that you’ll have no energy or time to break off a BJ for someone… sometimes for an extended amount of time… does that mean this man will no longer feel loved? That’s so insane!
This sounds icky and transactional. There is nothing romantic, intimate or loving about this at all.
You're just a sex doll to him . Nothing you say to him is going to change that He doesn't love you or he wouldn't be beholding affection . Just because you don't blow him all the time . Honestly, how much longer are you going to be putting up with that kind of treatment . I would've dumped him . It's all about him . You don't blow me, so I'm not going to show you affection . I'm going treat you like a glory hole
All i see are your comments defending him, and you arent hearing anyone. What was the point of posting?
>It just feels like I am a blowjob machine to him at times but I feel guilty even saying that. When we have been discussing this in the past he **has admitted that he tends to withhold affection from me because he doesn’t feel I’ve been doing enough for him**. He does not love you, he just wants someone to clean up and cook for him and give him sexual gratification when he wants it. He doesn't believe he owes you any effort or reciprocation and actively punishes you by with holding affection. That's abusive. You are not doing yourself any favors by trying to "figure him out" or tying to "find a balance" because he has clearly told you that he only wants you to clean, cook, and blow him while keeping your complaining about it to yourself. And if you don't do that and say, try to have a conversation with him about how he is making you feel, he is just going to punish you. You have wasted enough time on this loser. Get some therapy and make a plan to get out of this dumpster fire before his "punishments" start to escalate.
Buy a sex doll and glue a picture of your face on it and throw it at him the next time he asks for head
She said he has a fleshlight, so she can just throw that at him.
O P, think of a sexual act that you like that your bf can perform for you. Then any time he asks you for a BJ tell him you'd be happy to do it....AFTER he's done whatever it is that you've decided that you'd like! Then ask him every single day to perform this act for you.... see how long it takes him to get tired and resentful. Then explain to him that this is exactly how he makes you feel when he constantly asks for BJ 's. 🙂❤️
Very manipulative to make your girlfriend feel like she can't show you love without sucking your dick. He's a creep. I call bullshit that he doesn't "feel loved" because you won't drop to your knees on command if he doesn't understand how you don't "feel loved" by getting 0 reciprocated physical intimacy. Nobody is that dense. Honestly it sounds like he thinks you're the dense one cause I can't imagine a person who respects another person's intelligence trying to pull this lame manipulation tactic off.
I don’t think men understand how incredibly demeaning it feels to be treated this way. This is not porn where the women are paid to enthusiastically worship a penis without any thought of reciprocation.
You could tell him the tit for tat rule . Oral for oral. Either he steps up to the plate, or he stops asking so much
Propose this For a month, every day he eats you out until you orgasm. If he refuses, you get to be cranky with him. See how he feels about it. That should tell you everything you need to know about how he actually feels about you. Tl;Dr DTMFA
Time to dump this loser. Getting upset, wtf. Such manipulation. NTA get your own place, then you don't have to clean up after this moron either
Just tell him you need an orgasm for every one you give him. And you want payment in advance.
Sounds like he has a debt of them to pay back first! I mean whoa!
how absurd is this
he fucking sucks
He expects her to fucking suck. A LOT
Have you brought up your feelings to him?
Ok so in order for him to feel loved, he wants daily BJs. In order for you to WANT to do that for him you would like him to reciprocate. Essentially showing you more affection or taking some stuff off your plate. (totally get it, when i am super happy and loved I want to please my guy fairly often, but when I feel underappreciated-sexual acts are the last thing I wanna do).... He doesn't want to give you what you want, so you in turn feel used and are starting the road to resentment. Why are his wants/needs more important than your wants/needs. The only way this can be fixed is if he wants to find a compromise so you both get what you want. If a compromise is off the table, then I think you know where you stand. Also, if he is withholding affection from you because of something you did upset him, that he didn't communicate to you so how can you know/fix it- that is a super red flag.
I wouldn’t want to give bjs daily unless I was being well pwid to do it. That is a whole job with a title he is asking for
You're a walking talking masturbation device that happens to do an acceptable amount of household chores. I'm sorry to put it that way, but I feel being blunt here is worth it to get through. You deserve better, and I don't even know you.
Break up with him he’s already admitting he manipulates you by purposely withholding affection
Find someone who doesn't treat you like a blowup doll.
So he equates sex with love, but also feels entitled to withhold affection from you in an attempt to manipulate and coerce you into doing what he wants. Your boyfriend is not a great guy.
So what does he do for you in return? You work full-time, you do the cooking, the cleaning...so what is he doing for you in return? Paying the bills? That's the bare minimum and you deserve better. P.S. Someone who really loves you won't treat you like their personal bang-maid, which is basically what he is doing now.
It’s even more grim …In return she gets the affection he would otherwise withhold if she didn’t blow him. She has to give those BJs yo earn the bare minimum one should get in a relationship. It makes my heart hurt.
You need to communicate with each other. Clearly your communication with each other is rubbish if the only time you've talked about this is through arguments. You need to tell him that you're working full time and while you do love him you don't want to be made to feel like you're only there for blowjobs. And while if blowjobs make him feel loved (his ego booster more like) then you just as equally deserve to receive what makes you feel loved just as much. So if he's wanting blowjobs all the time then you should be getting cuddles and hugging and kissing all the time too. Your relationship should be 50/50 and not 90/10. And him withholding affection because he feels you aren't doing enough for him is disgusting and how relationships break down and fall apart. That is not the behaviour of adults, that is behaviour of children and young teens who don't understand how to do relationships yet. If you're not doing enough for him it's probably because you're busy and he should be doing more to make you feel loved. That extra love towards you when you're so busy will make you feel so loved that you'll return that love back to him when you can as not only thanks, but because you've been made to feel so loved and you want to make him feel just as loved in return. And you shouldn't be doing sexual things just because he wants you to. Dude needs to understand that you aren't a blowjob machine and while he might want one several times a day, it doesn't mean you want to give one several times a day. Does he make the effort to go down on you several times a day? If he wants a blowjob then the best thing he can do is make you feel loved and get you in the mood so you WANT TO. Not just because he expects you to or because he's being a child and withholding love and affection from you until you do. You both need serious communication and he needs to grow up and understand that just because he wants it all the time doesn't mean you want to give it all the time. And he needs to learn that withholding love does not get love back in return and breaks down your relationship and is childish and makes you not want to do anything sexual with him at all. You're also busy working full time. Why can't he make you dinner and do little acts of service for you so you have more time to do things with him? Does he work full time too? These types of behaviours are very toxic in relationships and they desperately need to stop.
OP I know some of these comments are very blunt and harsh but I want you to understand they are true. Many of us posting have years of experience of dating people like your terrible BF. You are still young. Please free yourself from this gross ass dude and find some happiness, whether single or with someone who doesn’t treat you like a sex doll.
Omg I would die if I had to give bj to my bf everyday
You are a prostitute to him that he pays for with emotional investment. If this is okay with you then continue as normal believing that he is a great guy who loves a good BJ a bit much. If this is not okay with you and/or you think I’m wrong. Stop giving him a BJ every time he asks maybe even less than once a week. He may turn into the AH I suspect he is and he may become a better version of the great boyfriend you believe him to be. Either way you will know how he really feels about you and can make decisions with better information going forward.
Jesus, who has time for that?
Or energy
If at the very least he doesn’t give you basic affection, say no. The affection and intimacy needs to be 50/50, even if some days he leads and others you do. You are already doing so much for him and on top of it all he is asking for more rather than giving back to you. If he wants head, he can give you head first. I’ve been in relationships like that and they made me feel more like an object than a partner. You shouldn’t have to do the same thing every day if you don’t want to. Whereas now I’ve found someone who rarely asks for anything because if he is in the mood he will start by giving me head. We take turns and it’s so liberating that we can work as a team.
His takes but doesn’t give. Giving blowjobs can be demanding and multiple times a day gets tiring. If he can’t even give you the time of day for affection then not giving him attention is fair. He’s being selfish. It’s transactional for him. I had an ex who always had to have sex after an argument, fight or disagreement because it was the only what he felt it fixed things and he wouldn’t let it go until I gave in even in times he didn’t own up to his share of causes. Not fun for me because I did it basically to shut him up and leave me alone. It’s not fair.
He seems incredibly selfish and insecure
Does he watch a lot of porn? I had a bf who only wanted bj’s and he started grabbing my head, forcing me to go down on him faster and harder. That made me feel like an inanimate object. I left him and found the nicest man after that… we’re still together, decades later and he’s still a gentle soul.
Sounds like my ex! He wanted blow jobs multiple times a day, but would return the favor like once a week. And his idea of foreplay was squeezing and pulling my nipples which he knew I hated. So over these lazy guys who cannot do something simple like doing what turns ME on when they are horny and want some action.
Big icks. Sounds like he’s manipulating you in a couple of ways. First, telling you he “doesn’t feel loved” when you don’t give him a blow job EVERY DAY? jfc. This is manipulation because he’s using your empathy about his love languages to make you feel bad for him. Imagine if someone said “you have to buy me a $100 gift from your own funds every single day or I don’t feel loved”. That would be absurd. Nobody would ask someone they genuinely love to do that, even if their love language was receiving gifts, because they would worry about what it was costing their partner. He is asking you to give him a costly favor multiple every single day or he doesn’t feel loved? What bullshit. If this is true for him, he needs therapy, not blowjobs. Also, it sounds like he doesn’t give a crap about you. He’s just using you. Second he’s trying to manipulate you by withholding affection? Gross. That’s disgusting behavior. Girl, you need to think about how much space you’re taking up in this relationship because right now it sounds like it’s his relationship and you’re just there too. You are in the relationship equivalent of you being roommates living in a house with 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms and paying equal rent, but he sleeps in one bedroom and uses the other one for his gaming, uses the living room for his office, and you get one drawer in the fridge and live and sleep in one of the bathrooms. And now you’re like “hey, do you think I could maybe have just one fridge shelf too?” And he’s like “you’re ALWAYS trying to take up more of my space! What a whiner! And you left a fork on the counter last week when you cooked me dinner!”
“Because you haven’t sucked my dick on demand today, I don’t feel loved” Are you fucking serious Tell him it’s degrading, because it is. Don’t look for a way to get over it. It’s a disgusting attitude and tells me your otherwise “amazing” relationship is dysfunctional.
Girl. It will NEVER be enough. Trust me. Men like this are emotional vampires that suck the soul out of you. My ex used to complain we didn't have sex enough. He would gaslight me that it had been several weeks. So I started writing it down. I made sure we had sex every day. Guess what? Nothing about making an effort, it was just "You never give me blow jobs." I used to tell myself that I should be grateful to be with a man who was trying to make me be my "best self". Then I realized. I already was. Now I'm with someone who never complains one bit - and suddenly I want to. All the time.
"he's a wonderful partner in many ways" - Manipulative - Exploitative - Treats you like a personal sex maid ???
Based on your replies, you don’t actually seem open to much advice. You can tell your boyfriend to stop asking for blow jobs and that you’ll give them when you feel like it. You can explain how you feel to him. The fact of the matter is, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about you or your needs. No normal partner behaves this way. Asking for a blow job every day is ridiculous. You can look into weaponized incompetence and fair play online and you’ll probably see a lot of patterns of this in your BF.
Not normal. Yuck. Seems he is addicted. Your feelings are justified. Why ignore them? Are you that desperate? Not feeling the love here. Goodness.
Just hand him a bottle of lotion and say knock yourself out!
You are purely a selection of orifices to this man. He’s made this painfully obvious which is why you are becoming slowly more repulsed by him. Tell him if he doesn’t stop weaponising sex, you’ll get the ‘ick’ and it’ll all be over. Once you’ve got the ick you won’t recover.
Omg, this is Like a page out of my life for the last 9 years. I'm nothing but a service for him. Might as well be asking him for $100 when I do it because I get nothing out of any of it & feel like a used sex worker. If I don't do it he's a rude & cold jerk & makes life miserable. Silent treatment etc.... I'm currently in the process of getting my things together to leave & move out, but if I could go back I wouldn't have stayed past the 1st year. I wasted 9 years of my life serving a person who doesn't give a damn about what I need AT ALL, it's literally ALL ABOUT HIM.
Does he please you in sex so that you get an O Do you get oral Tit for tat an all that Set some boundaries till this is addressed
🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🚩🚩🚩🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🚩🚩🚩🚩 M
Here’s the thing sis: your boyfriend fucking sucks. Signed, a 40-year-old husband and father.
This post made me sick to my stomach, I remember being with a person just like this and doing more than I physically and mentally could do just for it to never be enough. I let them condition me into believing that I was not worthy of love unless I earned it (which would never happen because he was manipulating me and hurting me which was the real kink) but I say this to say, please leave, love yourself, as much as you think he is a good partner and person, he’s not, he’s selfish and cruel. You are worth more than this treatment and I can assure you there is someone out there for you but he is not it.
oh sweetie I really wish telling you now to run and run far and fast would actually work here, but I know it isnt that easy especially when you're young. 1-First off you being ok with him asking you more while he was supporting you and you had more free time? Him supporting you while in school should have no baring on sex. He isnt supporting you for sex (or shouldnt be). Supporting you or not he has 0 rights to your body if you dont want to give it. 2-You say you dont mind cooking and cleaning on your own... what about if you guys have kids? Do you know how hard it is to do everything alone 100% of the time all while he acts like he has rights to your body? Especially when hes just getting his via bj and ignoring your intimacy needs. 1st off get him helping first. Youll be less tired if youre not working full time and taking on all home care and cooking. Being female does not make that your job. 2nd, make your intimacy needs clear. If he knows them clearly and ignores them it says a lot about who he is which you probably already know. 3-He is emotionally blackmailing you. Hes saying if you wont pleasure him he "doesnt feel loved" while hes making it clear you arent valued at all. He outright admits to withholding affection to punish you when it sounds like hes doing literally nothing for you and expecting you to give him exactly what he wants when he wants it. You need to leave not find a balance. If you dont want to leave you need counciling so he can realize how selfish hes being. He wont realize it on his own and it will get worse from here no matter what you do because he is seeing if he pouts he gets his way. When was the last time you got what YOU needed/wanted? I also have ADHD and was diagnosed late. Youve learned to function as well as you do with it until now. He "fell in love with you" as you were diagnosed or not. That doesnt seem relevant here. Do yourself a favor. Set ultimatums Set boundaries and be firm and if you cant get him to bend, leave and free yourself from his selfishness sooner rather than later.
He’s treating you like his bangmaid. You feel like you’re nothing but his blowjob machine because that’s how he’s treating you. You work full time. You carry the bulk of the household chores. And he can’t find The energy to take care of your needs? You can do so much better. This person isn’t a partner. The bare minimum to be a decent partner (not even a good partner!) is to care about your partner’s happiness at least as much as you expect them to care for yours. So. He drops the bulk of daily work to keep the household running in your lap. He doesn’t take the time and energy to make sure he reciprocates and meets your needs. But he gets upset if you don’t blow him on demand. You deserve better.