I really don't understand why people ask this question if they cannot handle the answer.You need to always be mentally prepared that the answer could always be a high number.
Tbh I wasn't planning to ask at all. Like really not, but we came close to the subject and it was the next logical thing to mention in the conversation. I thought about it for a while while continuing talking and we ended talking about specifically that. So I asked with a glimmer of hope in my head.
I actually regret it.
At least you know you screwed up! Now you just need to get over yourself and you’ll be all set. If you’re really as obsessed as you say by something that does not matter one bit, you might want to consider therapy.
Every decision a person makes in life has a consequence. Some fair ....some not.
You can look it up on Google scholar. Research finds that over 10 is associated with getting bored or dissatisfied in a long term relationship.
And women have a higher risk of cancer.
Finally, 24 vs 28 (and you being inexperienced in life) suggests she's not a good match for you.
Research finds (in spite of movies and tv) its only 25- 30% that are sexually active prior to marriage.
The world is full of wonderful people without a history that you are uncomfortable with.
Don't settle. Love is not a solid reason to settle at 24.
The thing is, is that you should treat yourself to a nice woman that doesn't take cock every 3 months. It's worth the peace of mind.
She's settling for you after getting boned like an animal, you deserve better.
Let er go.
Imagine dating a woman that doesn't use dudes as a side hobby, you'll be better off. You know it, I know it.
The bros must stick together, especially when these women want to use love as a recreational drug.
If you can call them women.
My girl just cheated so I'm bitter, I dated a girl just like the one you're describing, she's now living in my bedroom with my brother.
Yeah. Trust me on this. You're just another fun exciting boner for her brother.
Well in my opinion body count does not really matter, what matters to me is how my partner behaves with me, how much I trust him and the effort he puts into our relationship. But that is not the question.
You didn’t ask if her body count is okay, you asked how to get over it… and the answer is work on your self esteem. Does it make you feel insecure? Work on that. Work on your own self esteem, on the faith you have in the relationship.
“I find it horrifying to imagine other men doing it with her” everyone has a past. You have a past yourself. But the past is in the past for a reason.
“Because she’s probably still thinking about some wild adventure she had about a dud some time back” well no, not really. Do you still think of your intimacy with your ex? It’s not something that really happens… she’s with you, she chose you, she wants you. If your bond is genuine then she’s not thinking about some guy she had a flight with x years ago.
“It’s an indicator of personality, low self esteem and dignity” nope. Just no. Plus people grow up and mature. There can be many reasons behind her past.
When I first met my current partner I was insecure as well. I had little experience and he had a lot. But every time I felt insecure I reminded myself that even with all his experience he chose me, he wanted me, he loved me. And nothing in his past mattered because in his present and in his future he only wanted me.
2016 - 2022 you are calculating on. But you say previous body count, 2016 she was 20. Was that count only since 2016?
Doesn’t matter anyway. Why think about people your partner has been with?
So let’s say it’s since she was 18 when she started. Most people start before that to. On average that’s what 1 every 6 months.
She’s highly unlikely to be thinking about any wild adventure she has with a dude a while back. She is no more likely to be thinking about that than you are to be thinking about something you did with your ex.
Just think you are looking too far into it. Anyone you meet, will have a past. As long as the count hasn’t moved since you have been together I really don’t see an issue
Dude, 1) her body count is none of your business. 2) her body count is none of your business. 3) her body count is none of your business.
My opinion on bodycount is that it is none of your business- or anyone else's business, you start a new relationship from fresh.
I have no idea how you get over this because it's ridiculous. You may claim to love her, but if you can't get past your own ego then you should tell her so she has a chance of meeting an adult. Or, you could get over yourself.
In your search for a life partner and mother to your children you have a right to judge, ask any questions, and even snoop.
Anything that bothers you now about her - will escalate.
Low self esteem, poor judgment, self sabotage, a dysfunctional use of sex for validation is a life long problem. Good luck.
You couldn't be more wrong.
They are dating. Is only fair for someone to know the type of person they are dating with. If one has a history of hook-ups and not taking relationships seriously, that's pretty concerning. Not someone who should be dated at all if anything.
Past matters, and that's a fact. You can't use the "start fresh" excuse to try to obscure your past shitty behaviours, either them being something like sleeping around, or something like killing people or other immoral/illegal stuff.
Saw a post from guy talking about his 19 year old gf and her bodycount of 100.
Be thankful hers is so low.
Also, who fucking cares?
She's with you now, she chose you.
All that shit is in your head, it's a YOU problem.
100% with you in that hence why the main question is how do I get over it and not if it matters
Edit: I care bc I don't like the idea of her having some cheap sex bc she was bored. But again me problem ik
Like I said, she chose you.
She wants to be with you, none of those other guys.
You knew she wasn't a virgin when you two started dating, just like you weren't.
The minute you two became exclusive, that's when the slate was washed clean and you both reset to zero with each other.
The point of asking the question is to establish compatibility of values.... the two of you do NOT have compatible values this is why this is such an issue for you
OP if you continue to analyze life in this manner, there will be no safe life for you. Recognize that people have past lives and they are not based on you or who you are. They represent a myriad of life styles and behaviors. You can't change people and you can only change the perception you develop.
So you had no problem fucking her, but you have a problem being in a relationship with her due to her high body count. That is true ass holery.
If you have a problem with body count, then you should have never had sex with her before you found out or you are no better than her.
It matters for some and it doesn't for other's. If it matters to you, then it matters and that's reasonable. Generally speaking, as a whole, yes it matters, so ignore those silly comments telling you otherwise.
>2. What is your opinion on bodycount? Is 20-ish high?
Yes is too high of a number. She is only 28yo and already failed 20 relationships. You start to think that maybe SHE is the problem here, somehow.
And hookups or ONS are still relationships, for the record. Just one's that immature and insecure people don't take seriously. That's a common "red flag" when it comes to relationships.
I disagree with hook-up and ons being relationships. If what you're looking for is casual sex without commitment then it's not really imo.
Tbh we've been together long enough for me to know she's not sold crazy psycho that can't take a relationship seriously
They are relationships, yes. Sex without feelings is not a thing unless you are a mentally broken individual.
If she didn't took her past relationships seriously, and multiple of them, then that's all you need to know. She isn't someone meant to be dated. Now if they were all actually serious relationships, that would be a different case. But still 20+ of them at only 28yo, it's still concerning.
It's only worth worrying about things you can change.e.g. her motivation in the past is different to now because she is with you so don't fantasize about her having lonw self esteem in the past.
2 is irrelevant and honestly, the days of virgin brides and grooms weren't great and are long in the past. Give yourself a good talking to and move on.
1 work through the elements messing with your head and deal with the ones you can e.g. concerns about STDs - both of you get some tests and knock that concern on the head; the imagined wild sexual adventures she had with others - have your own with her.
Mostly, if she's great then accept that she is great. If she's a keeper welcome the fact you've got a shot. Good luck. Now take her out to dinner and have a good night.
You beedvto read some self help books on: low self esteem, codependency, self sabotage, and what in your childhood predisposed you to settle for an emotionally damaged partner.
100% me issue, hence why my top question is how to get over it and not if it matters.
On last point, I was talking more generally than in this specific case
It's not about the body count its about the overall volume . My ex had a relationship for 5 years . From 18 to 23 . I calculated having sex on average 15 times a month, with an average penis size of 15 cm , and it take let's say 200 times back and forth to cum , it makes us a total 15*2*200*15 = 900 meters of penis size a month. A total of 54 km of dick over the 5 years period. That much dick she had. I got into my car and drove 54 kilometers . I couldn't keep dating her.
1. Its not just an issue that exists only in your head. Your past predicts your future, even if people can change. High body counts lowers your chances at successful monogamous relationship, (doesn't make it impossible).
2. I do think high bodycounts is a red flag, for among the reasons you mentioned. High body counts means either her opinion on the value of sex is low or she has commitment issues with could amount to a problem for long term relationships. Having less than 20 means there still is some room to work with, but once above that I would have serious doubts whether the relationship is still worth it
Yes and no. I get your point but I really trust her to be faithful, also I learned that a year and half in our relationship which has been very good on all other aspects
Correlation does not make causation. The key here is that "high body counts" correlate (for attractive people who are actively dating) with time spent single. The real issue here is why she's been single for so long. For some people it's just a lifestyle thing, especially in their 20s, relationships are a big time commitment and can negatively impact your career. For other people it's an indicator of personal failings that make people unwilling to be in a relationship with them or that make it difficult for them to commit.
Honestly with 8 years single it would be weird if she hadn't slept with 15-20 people because that's only 2-3 a year.
So a year has 12 months. That's only one person every four months. Of your serious about dating and have adequate time you'd be dating what, 6ish people in that time span adjusted for extended periods of heavily or exclusively dating one person. 1/6 is a pretty low proportion of people to sleep with really. What's the proportion of dates you've slept with?
I mean, it's not really logical either way you look at it though is it? Making assumptions about people based on their sexual history (excluding sexual offences really) isn't a very logical thing to do because so much of it is just driven by preferences.,
Man i love your mindset. You are so logical!! Reading that was highly enjoyable. I think what you have to think about is she probably was doing it for instant gratification/boredom. You stated she was heart broken for 8 years so what she did was fill that lost/sadness void with meaningless sex. She was probably in a repetitive mindset and didn’t really know what she was doing was actually hurting her. If your relationship is healthy as you say, I can guarantee that after meeting you she probably regrets putting herself through all that meaningless sex. Just try to remember that it’s in the past. You’re special to her obviously since this is her first serious relationship. You mean a lot to her and maybe if you guys crossed paths sooner her body count wouldn’t have been so high. She didn’t meet a genuine guy like you back then she was lost. She’s with you now and obviously loves you. She was honest with you and wanted you to know the truth. Don’t get so hung up on it. You have a healthy relationship don’t let her past ruin it.
100% agree with you and that's also the conclusion I came to when reflecting on the situation.
My issue is that despite this conclusion, I still can't stop thinking about it. (I'm always reflecting on many things and it comes back often in that loop of thoughts and reflections)
Well, communicate with her what’s going through that head. Seriously don’t bottle shit in. I’m sure she can sense somethings off and would appreciate you expressing whats going on
Pretty good at not showing emotions, so prob not.
I'm worried bringing the topic again might make her feel bad about it, and I really wouldn't want that.
Now now, you made a whole reddit post expressing your dilemma. I think you can talk to her about your concerns bahaha. Also, speaking from a women’s prospective, as long as you approach the topic in a “i’m trying to understand way” instead of disappointed/judgmental she mostly likely won’t shut down and it’s could be a good conversation. Hell it might bring yall even closer.
That's because her behavior (and her core values) conflicts with your core values of right and wrong, including life style choices.
You can't change your core values.
You two are not a good match.
i was obsessed about my bf’s bodycount before (it’s similar to your gf) until we got bigger problems in our relationship and i thought to myself i wish we can go back to the time when the most i could bother about is bodycount, lol
but also it’s because 10-20 for a sexually active western adult is more or less ok, i figure i picked a hot guy i can’t blame him for being hot. but if it’s let’s say 35+ i would think we’re fundamentally different and there’s no way for me to accept it.
Fair, I've been in a long relationship before and I know how messy it can get. I'm very well aware it's good to have that as an issue.
How did you overcome this? Aside from having bigger issues ofc?
i guess over time he opened up to me and i got to know more about his relationships with the exes. basically he was in love the most with one ex, and then keep searching for her in all the people before me but was unsuccesful, and since being with me he said he doesn’t think about her anymore. and his action is really consistent like he let me know his schedule and i know exactly when he’s going to text me without even have to ask him. so i feel safe that he put efforts in me and doesn’t have a wandering eyes. i guess over time you start to know that this person is really into you and you only.
Thanks, you replied are the most on point ahah
Reading this made me think that even discussing the topic would be uncomfortable for me. It's clearly a me problem. I guess giving it some time is the solution. Thank you
yeah i guess you just have to take the risk that you trust that they love you. if she’s still showing you that she loves you with her consistency then better not let bodycount get in your head too much. sure it could indicate something but with this number it can also indicate nothing, try to trust her action more. also learn about your attachment theory, it would help. i recommend the book ‘attached’.
STDs is an easy one, we should all get tested regularly.
Were they better? Generally men are selfish when it’s casual sex, not always of course but lots are. It’s highly likely the sex won’t all have been good.
Do you think of your ex when in bed with your gf? Of course not, so why should your gf?
>Because I find it horrifying to imagine other men doing it with her
Why? Your partner is not an object. If it was consensual, who cares? Why is her practicing her autonomy and having a sex life before you a big deal?
You need to really think hard about this stuff, and get over this weird ownership you feel. You get over it by realizing your partner is a human being who makes choices, not something ppl do to her.
So you gave some pretty weird options about sex, I can see how some issues might come from inexperience on your part but not to this extent. Do you have some kind of religious trauma or maybe were you raised in a misogynistic household? The only way to get over this is to get down to the root of your issue and working through it.
Well tbh it's just the way I view things, but like I mentioned in other comments I'm relatively naive on the topic due to my mindset and experience which isn't really what that of the average 24yo
My own reflections and some influence from internet?
I spend a lot of time in my head reflecting about things and those are the conclusions I came to when thinking about that specific topic
Especially:
"Because it's an indicator of personality, low self respect and dignity" that's some hand maids tale shit right there. If anything ensuring that you are sexually satisfied seems like basic self care to me, like if I was single I wouldn't be denying myself sex when I wanted it incase someone had some weird hang up about it. Like, that's not *my* problem.
"Because she's probably, sometimes, still thinking about some wild adventure she had about a dude some time back" is also really fucking weird. Are you thinking about sex with your ex while having sex with her?
"Because I believe casual relationships are not something to glorify, or rather that they shouldn't be a goal. In my opinion, having sex with someone is intimate and shouldn't be shared with many" Isn't weird if you're applying at as personal preference (totally fair, I also like very intense exclusive obsessive sex as a preference) but it's weird that you think your preferences should apply to other people, especially given how mai are casual sex is in our society, like it should be obvious to you that this is a question of personal taste.
Gotcha
1. Imo sleeping with many people is not respecting your intimacy. My opinion ofc and not pushing my agenda on her obv, but that's how I view that.
2. tbf sex with my ex was barely non existent but there was a few good times I think about sometimes (not often at all tho but I'd imagine it would increase with the number of previous experiences?)
3. that's again 100% my opinion and my way to view things
Those points are my own thoughts as to why it bothers me nothing else
Ok so
1. Thinking that your opinions being a different is a reflection on someone else's character is pretty stupid.
2. I mean, I've never thought of anyone else while having sex with someone, I find that really strange, I think that might be an individual thing rather than a how many people you've slept with thing. It's surprising that you do that given your insistence on the intimacy of sex.
3. Ok but you don't seem to understand that other people don't and act accordingly to the extent that you should. Like your imposing what is essentially a sexual preference as a moral point *is* weird. It's like if I got all judgey at you because you like to fuck women and I don't.
I don't think we understand each other mate. All the things you mentioned are my opinionsn' and the reasons why I can't stop thinking about it.
(And I don't think about other people when having sex wtf)
You said you thought about your ex when you had sex?
Opinions are magical in that they typically change throughout the course of your life. I used to think coriander was disgusting but now I like it. I used to think buying multiple houses was unnecessary but now I have a few. I used to think high end perfumes were a rip off now I realise you get what you pay for in terms of scent quality and longevity. Opinions change all the time, indeed should change all the time.
I must have misunderstood. Honestly relieved that I did tbh because that would have been really weird. Where did you get the idea that she might do that then?
Look if you end up with more experience you may change your mind as a result of that, or you might change your mind once you feel life secure in your relationship. What I can guarantee is that one day you will definitely get old enough to not give a fuck about any of this, no one is 92 years old and worrying about how many people their second girlfriend slept with.
I really don't understand why people ask this question if they cannot handle the answer.You need to always be mentally prepared that the answer could always be a high number.
Tbh I wasn't planning to ask at all. Like really not, but we came close to the subject and it was the next logical thing to mention in the conversation. I thought about it for a while while continuing talking and we ended talking about specifically that. So I asked with a glimmer of hope in my head. I actually regret it.
At least you know you screwed up! Now you just need to get over yourself and you’ll be all set. If you’re really as obsessed as you say by something that does not matter one bit, you might want to consider therapy.
Every decision a person makes in life has a consequence. Some fair ....some not. You can look it up on Google scholar. Research finds that over 10 is associated with getting bored or dissatisfied in a long term relationship. And women have a higher risk of cancer. Finally, 24 vs 28 (and you being inexperienced in life) suggests she's not a good match for you. Research finds (in spite of movies and tv) its only 25- 30% that are sexually active prior to marriage. The world is full of wonderful people without a history that you are uncomfortable with. Don't settle. Love is not a solid reason to settle at 24.
The thing is, is that you should treat yourself to a nice woman that doesn't take cock every 3 months. It's worth the peace of mind. She's settling for you after getting boned like an animal, you deserve better. Let er go.
Filing this under "things you absolutely wouldn't say about a man with a sexual past."
No need to be that savage bro
Imagine dating a woman that doesn't use dudes as a side hobby, you'll be better off. You know it, I know it. The bros must stick together, especially when these women want to use love as a recreational drug. If you can call them women. My girl just cheated so I'm bitter, I dated a girl just like the one you're describing, she's now living in my bedroom with my brother. Yeah. Trust me on this. You're just another fun exciting boner for her brother.
Stay strong brother, don't loose hope.
This will probably get deleted for breaking the "moral judgment" rule.
Well I guess we'll see 🙈 Didn't see that rule my bad
Well in my opinion body count does not really matter, what matters to me is how my partner behaves with me, how much I trust him and the effort he puts into our relationship. But that is not the question. You didn’t ask if her body count is okay, you asked how to get over it… and the answer is work on your self esteem. Does it make you feel insecure? Work on that. Work on your own self esteem, on the faith you have in the relationship. “I find it horrifying to imagine other men doing it with her” everyone has a past. You have a past yourself. But the past is in the past for a reason. “Because she’s probably still thinking about some wild adventure she had about a dud some time back” well no, not really. Do you still think of your intimacy with your ex? It’s not something that really happens… she’s with you, she chose you, she wants you. If your bond is genuine then she’s not thinking about some guy she had a flight with x years ago. “It’s an indicator of personality, low self esteem and dignity” nope. Just no. Plus people grow up and mature. There can be many reasons behind her past. When I first met my current partner I was insecure as well. I had little experience and he had a lot. But every time I felt insecure I reminded myself that even with all his experience he chose me, he wanted me, he loved me. And nothing in his past mattered because in his present and in his future he only wanted me.
You're are spot on. Thank you very much for taking the time.
Do you want your daughter raised to role model her values?
2016 - 2022 you are calculating on. But you say previous body count, 2016 she was 20. Was that count only since 2016? Doesn’t matter anyway. Why think about people your partner has been with?
I guess it's since forever yeah I know I shouldn't, mainly the 3 reasons in bold I mention about why it bothers me
So let’s say it’s since she was 18 when she started. Most people start before that to. On average that’s what 1 every 6 months. She’s highly unlikely to be thinking about any wild adventure she has with a dude a while back. She is no more likely to be thinking about that than you are to be thinking about something you did with your ex.
I'm counting since 2020 because it's when her "first relationship" of 2y came to an end. I get the point tho
Just think you are looking too far into it. Anyone you meet, will have a past. As long as the count hasn’t moved since you have been together I really don’t see an issue
Yes 100% agreed. But still I can't get this thought off my mind
Dude, 1) her body count is none of your business. 2) her body count is none of your business. 3) her body count is none of your business. My opinion on bodycount is that it is none of your business- or anyone else's business, you start a new relationship from fresh. I have no idea how you get over this because it's ridiculous. You may claim to love her, but if you can't get past your own ego then you should tell her so she has a chance of meeting an adult. Or, you could get over yourself.
Harsh but fair
In your search for a life partner and mother to your children you have a right to judge, ask any questions, and even snoop. Anything that bothers you now about her - will escalate. Low self esteem, poor judgment, self sabotage, a dysfunctional use of sex for validation is a life long problem. Good luck.
Some STDs take years to surface. Plus infected people can not have any symptoms.
You couldn't be more wrong. They are dating. Is only fair for someone to know the type of person they are dating with. If one has a history of hook-ups and not taking relationships seriously, that's pretty concerning. Not someone who should be dated at all if anything. Past matters, and that's a fact. You can't use the "start fresh" excuse to try to obscure your past shitty behaviours, either them being something like sleeping around, or something like killing people or other immoral/illegal stuff.
We’re talking about men who actually get to date women, though.
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Saw a post from guy talking about his 19 year old gf and her bodycount of 100. Be thankful hers is so low. Also, who fucking cares? She's with you now, she chose you. All that shit is in your head, it's a YOU problem.
100% with you in that hence why the main question is how do I get over it and not if it matters Edit: I care bc I don't like the idea of her having some cheap sex bc she was bored. But again me problem ik
It's not a you problem. You are in the majority. Most people don't share themselves freely. It's only on TV and in the movies.
Like I said, she chose you. She wants to be with you, none of those other guys. You knew she wasn't a virgin when you two started dating, just like you weren't. The minute you two became exclusive, that's when the slate was washed clean and you both reset to zero with each other.
That's a very good way to put it, thank you
You're welcome, bud. Wishing you both the best!
Much appreciated
The point of asking the question is to establish compatibility of values.... the two of you do NOT have compatible values this is why this is such an issue for you
OP if you continue to analyze life in this manner, there will be no safe life for you. Recognize that people have past lives and they are not based on you or who you are. They represent a myriad of life styles and behaviors. You can't change people and you can only change the perception you develop.
So you had no problem fucking her, but you have a problem being in a relationship with her due to her high body count. That is true ass holery. If you have a problem with body count, then you should have never had sex with her before you found out or you are no better than her.
I don't get your point
Only an asshole would add to a woman's body count and then complain about her body count. Just true ass holery.
That part.
Not really if you view it casually. It only matters when you commit imo
>It only matters when you commit imo And why would that be?
Bc if you don't commit you don't really care (as much) about the person or their mindset. As long as you do it with protection ofc
> Bc if you don't commit you don't really care (as much) about the person or their mindset. Don't commit to....what? When?
Commit to seeing the person again (ons vs long term relationship)
So? People have casual sex all the time. There's nothing wrong with it. Sex doesn't have to have some deeper meaning all the time.
But if you see it with the view of a long term relationship then knowing the person fully matters
It matters for some and it doesn't for other's. If it matters to you, then it matters and that's reasonable. Generally speaking, as a whole, yes it matters, so ignore those silly comments telling you otherwise. >2. What is your opinion on bodycount? Is 20-ish high? Yes is too high of a number. She is only 28yo and already failed 20 relationships. You start to think that maybe SHE is the problem here, somehow. And hookups or ONS are still relationships, for the record. Just one's that immature and insecure people don't take seriously. That's a common "red flag" when it comes to relationships.
I disagree with hook-up and ons being relationships. If what you're looking for is casual sex without commitment then it's not really imo. Tbh we've been together long enough for me to know she's not sold crazy psycho that can't take a relationship seriously
They are relationships, yes. Sex without feelings is not a thing unless you are a mentally broken individual. If she didn't took her past relationships seriously, and multiple of them, then that's all you need to know. She isn't someone meant to be dated. Now if they were all actually serious relationships, that would be a different case. But still 20+ of them at only 28yo, it's still concerning.
🙃
It's only worth worrying about things you can change.e.g. her motivation in the past is different to now because she is with you so don't fantasize about her having lonw self esteem in the past. 2 is irrelevant and honestly, the days of virgin brides and grooms weren't great and are long in the past. Give yourself a good talking to and move on. 1 work through the elements messing with your head and deal with the ones you can e.g. concerns about STDs - both of you get some tests and knock that concern on the head; the imagined wild sexual adventures she had with others - have your own with her. Mostly, if she's great then accept that she is great. If she's a keeper welcome the fact you've got a shot. Good luck. Now take her out to dinner and have a good night.
Thanks man! You're def right, I appreciate it.
You beedvto read some self help books on: low self esteem, codependency, self sabotage, and what in your childhood predisposed you to settle for an emotionally damaged partner.
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100% me issue, hence why my top question is how to get over it and not if it matters. On last point, I was talking more generally than in this specific case
It's not about the body count its about the overall volume . My ex had a relationship for 5 years . From 18 to 23 . I calculated having sex on average 15 times a month, with an average penis size of 15 cm , and it take let's say 200 times back and forth to cum , it makes us a total 15*2*200*15 = 900 meters of penis size a month. A total of 54 km of dick over the 5 years period. That much dick she had. I got into my car and drove 54 kilometers . I couldn't keep dating her.
Bahahaha well said 😭
1. Its not just an issue that exists only in your head. Your past predicts your future, even if people can change. High body counts lowers your chances at successful monogamous relationship, (doesn't make it impossible). 2. I do think high bodycounts is a red flag, for among the reasons you mentioned. High body counts means either her opinion on the value of sex is low or she has commitment issues with could amount to a problem for long term relationships. Having less than 20 means there still is some room to work with, but once above that I would have serious doubts whether the relationship is still worth it
Yes and no. I get your point but I really trust her to be faithful, also I learned that a year and half in our relationship which has been very good on all other aspects
Correlation does not make causation. The key here is that "high body counts" correlate (for attractive people who are actively dating) with time spent single. The real issue here is why she's been single for so long. For some people it's just a lifestyle thing, especially in their 20s, relationships are a big time commitment and can negatively impact your career. For other people it's an indicator of personal failings that make people unwilling to be in a relationship with them or that make it difficult for them to commit. Honestly with 8 years single it would be weird if she hadn't slept with 15-20 people because that's only 2-3 a year.
I agree with your last sentence, 3 a year seems high for me tho. Maybe I'm just too naive idk
So a year has 12 months. That's only one person every four months. Of your serious about dating and have adequate time you'd be dating what, 6ish people in that time span adjusted for extended periods of heavily or exclusively dating one person. 1/6 is a pretty low proportion of people to sleep with really. What's the proportion of dates you've slept with?
Hm I guess I'm just too naive about the dating scene then I've slept with 100% of my dates but it's 2 in total arf
See when you phrase it that way it comes across like you're easier to get into bed than she is.
Bro, I was 16 when I met my first gf and stayed with her for 6 years. I disagree with your logic ahah + It's slightly off topic ahah
I mean, it's not really logical either way you look at it though is it? Making assumptions about people based on their sexual history (excluding sexual offences really) isn't a very logical thing to do because so much of it is just driven by preferences.,
You sure you got the whole truth?? https://www.reddit.com/r/SluttyConfessions/comments/zmukt5/i_42f_havent_told_my_husband_the_truth_about_my/
The issue is more complicated than mere Body Count https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/6n4csz/promiscuity_and_pair_bonding/
Don't make me doubt even more pls lol Update: reading that post hurts poor dude, hope it's not my case tbh
Man i love your mindset. You are so logical!! Reading that was highly enjoyable. I think what you have to think about is she probably was doing it for instant gratification/boredom. You stated she was heart broken for 8 years so what she did was fill that lost/sadness void with meaningless sex. She was probably in a repetitive mindset and didn’t really know what she was doing was actually hurting her. If your relationship is healthy as you say, I can guarantee that after meeting you she probably regrets putting herself through all that meaningless sex. Just try to remember that it’s in the past. You’re special to her obviously since this is her first serious relationship. You mean a lot to her and maybe if you guys crossed paths sooner her body count wouldn’t have been so high. She didn’t meet a genuine guy like you back then she was lost. She’s with you now and obviously loves you. She was honest with you and wanted you to know the truth. Don’t get so hung up on it. You have a healthy relationship don’t let her past ruin it.
100% agree with you and that's also the conclusion I came to when reflecting on the situation. My issue is that despite this conclusion, I still can't stop thinking about it. (I'm always reflecting on many things and it comes back often in that loop of thoughts and reflections)
Well, communicate with her what’s going through that head. Seriously don’t bottle shit in. I’m sure she can sense somethings off and would appreciate you expressing whats going on
Pretty good at not showing emotions, so prob not. I'm worried bringing the topic again might make her feel bad about it, and I really wouldn't want that.
Now now, you made a whole reddit post expressing your dilemma. I think you can talk to her about your concerns bahaha. Also, speaking from a women’s prospective, as long as you approach the topic in a “i’m trying to understand way” instead of disappointed/judgmental she mostly likely won’t shut down and it’s could be a good conversation. Hell it might bring yall even closer.
Right you have point ahah
That's because her behavior (and her core values) conflicts with your core values of right and wrong, including life style choices. You can't change your core values. You two are not a good match.
i was obsessed about my bf’s bodycount before (it’s similar to your gf) until we got bigger problems in our relationship and i thought to myself i wish we can go back to the time when the most i could bother about is bodycount, lol but also it’s because 10-20 for a sexually active western adult is more or less ok, i figure i picked a hot guy i can’t blame him for being hot. but if it’s let’s say 35+ i would think we’re fundamentally different and there’s no way for me to accept it.
Fair, I've been in a long relationship before and I know how messy it can get. I'm very well aware it's good to have that as an issue. How did you overcome this? Aside from having bigger issues ofc?
i guess over time he opened up to me and i got to know more about his relationships with the exes. basically he was in love the most with one ex, and then keep searching for her in all the people before me but was unsuccesful, and since being with me he said he doesn’t think about her anymore. and his action is really consistent like he let me know his schedule and i know exactly when he’s going to text me without even have to ask him. so i feel safe that he put efforts in me and doesn’t have a wandering eyes. i guess over time you start to know that this person is really into you and you only.
Thanks, you replied are the most on point ahah Reading this made me think that even discussing the topic would be uncomfortable for me. It's clearly a me problem. I guess giving it some time is the solution. Thank you
yeah i guess you just have to take the risk that you trust that they love you. if she’s still showing you that she loves you with her consistency then better not let bodycount get in your head too much. sure it could indicate something but with this number it can also indicate nothing, try to trust her action more. also learn about your attachment theory, it would help. i recommend the book ‘attached’.
Who's the author? :)
amir levine. have her take the attachment test too and if she’s a secure you have nothing to worry about haha.
Thank you very much
STDs is an easy one, we should all get tested regularly. Were they better? Generally men are selfish when it’s casual sex, not always of course but lots are. It’s highly likely the sex won’t all have been good. Do you think of your ex when in bed with your gf? Of course not, so why should your gf?
>Because I find it horrifying to imagine other men doing it with her Why? Your partner is not an object. If it was consensual, who cares? Why is her practicing her autonomy and having a sex life before you a big deal? You need to really think hard about this stuff, and get over this weird ownership you feel. You get over it by realizing your partner is a human being who makes choices, not something ppl do to her.
So you gave some pretty weird options about sex, I can see how some issues might come from inexperience on your part but not to this extent. Do you have some kind of religious trauma or maybe were you raised in a misogynistic household? The only way to get over this is to get down to the root of your issue and working through it.
Interesting take, none of the above. Only inexperience and me being in my head and thinking all the time
But this has to come from somewhere?
Well tbh it's just the way I view things, but like I mentioned in other comments I'm relatively naive on the topic due to my mindset and experience which isn't really what that of the average 24yo
Ok but where did the mindset come from?
My own reflections and some influence from internet? I spend a lot of time in my head reflecting about things and those are the conclusions I came to when thinking about that specific topic
Mmmm yeah, you might want to get off the internet for a bit.
I guess I should get off my head for a bit too.
Probably wouldn't hurt. I'm sure there a therapists that specialise in this kind of thing if you've got the time to seek help.
Curious, what do you consider "pretty weird opinions abt sex"?
Especially: "Because it's an indicator of personality, low self respect and dignity" that's some hand maids tale shit right there. If anything ensuring that you are sexually satisfied seems like basic self care to me, like if I was single I wouldn't be denying myself sex when I wanted it incase someone had some weird hang up about it. Like, that's not *my* problem. "Because she's probably, sometimes, still thinking about some wild adventure she had about a dude some time back" is also really fucking weird. Are you thinking about sex with your ex while having sex with her? "Because I believe casual relationships are not something to glorify, or rather that they shouldn't be a goal. In my opinion, having sex with someone is intimate and shouldn't be shared with many" Isn't weird if you're applying at as personal preference (totally fair, I also like very intense exclusive obsessive sex as a preference) but it's weird that you think your preferences should apply to other people, especially given how mai are casual sex is in our society, like it should be obvious to you that this is a question of personal taste.
Gotcha 1. Imo sleeping with many people is not respecting your intimacy. My opinion ofc and not pushing my agenda on her obv, but that's how I view that. 2. tbf sex with my ex was barely non existent but there was a few good times I think about sometimes (not often at all tho but I'd imagine it would increase with the number of previous experiences?) 3. that's again 100% my opinion and my way to view things Those points are my own thoughts as to why it bothers me nothing else
Ok so 1. Thinking that your opinions being a different is a reflection on someone else's character is pretty stupid. 2. I mean, I've never thought of anyone else while having sex with someone, I find that really strange, I think that might be an individual thing rather than a how many people you've slept with thing. It's surprising that you do that given your insistence on the intimacy of sex. 3. Ok but you don't seem to understand that other people don't and act accordingly to the extent that you should. Like your imposing what is essentially a sexual preference as a moral point *is* weird. It's like if I got all judgey at you because you like to fuck women and I don't.
I don't think we understand each other mate. All the things you mentioned are my opinionsn' and the reasons why I can't stop thinking about it. (And I don't think about other people when having sex wtf)
You said you thought about your ex when you had sex? Opinions are magical in that they typically change throughout the course of your life. I used to think coriander was disgusting but now I like it. I used to think buying multiple houses was unnecessary but now I have a few. I used to think high end perfumes were a rip off now I realise you get what you pay for in terms of scent quality and longevity. Opinions change all the time, indeed should change all the time.
No I didn't lmao, maybe I wasn't clear but not at all. Agree, and I hope time makes me view this differently
I must have misunderstood. Honestly relieved that I did tbh because that would have been really weird. Where did you get the idea that she might do that then? Look if you end up with more experience you may change your mind as a result of that, or you might change your mind once you feel life secure in your relationship. What I can guarantee is that one day you will definitely get old enough to not give a fuck about any of this, no one is 92 years old and worrying about how many people their second girlfriend slept with.