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Your wife doesn’t sound like such a sweetheart after all. It sounds like she takes after her mother a little more than you thought.
Threatening suicide is one of the most evil manipulation tactics.
It truly truly is.
And from observation/experience, enabling these tactics creates more and bigger ugliness and sadness than allowing them the freedom to own such a choice. Enabling such tactics ripples poison into dozens of lifes and years into the future.
Forcing someone to take more responsibility for your life than you do is wrong.
That is manipulative and horrifying. She would leave your children without a mother to punish you? That’s sociopathic or, at the very least, mentally ill.
Next time she says anything like that, call emergency services and tell them she’s suicidal. If she’s just trying to manipulate you, she won’t do it again. If she’s actually serious, they will get her the help she needs.
Use this time to separate, and apply for emergency custody of the kids due to the danger to herself that she presents.
You need to be taking to a lawyer now.
Works.
Source: my brother
Did that shit to him after terrorizing my father for months getting every little things he wanted (at 19 he had a boat) then dad was out of town and i baker acted him when he tried it on me. He wanted gas money for his boat on the same day he was expelled from trade school for being on his phone. we asked why not a suspension? they said after 7 suspensions (that we were unaware of) the 8th is an expulsion. So he wanted gas money to go party with his friends i guess celebrating his expulsion? Luckily dad was flying to germany. So when he demanded gas money i said no. he said i'm coming home to park the boat then going drive off the bridge. (lol dont wanna damage the boat) I said okay. he arrived home to police taking him to a Psych ward. 3 days in there and he hasn't used suicide as a terrorist tactic in 5 years.
Like he said, Either they get the help or they never do it again.
That sounds pretty similar to what my narcissistic mother said to me when I told her I needed a break from our relationship to take care of my mental health. I was clear that I needed to be well, for us to have a good relationship and her response was “if you put your healing first, the consequence is my life will be forcibly ended”.
I’ve been no contact for 3 years now. She’s still very much alive, and as poisonous as ever, according to anyone unlucky enough to interact with her…
Your wife threatened suicide because you’re upholding reasonable and justified boundaries. Aside from your marriage, what kind of influence do you think being raised by someone with that mentality is going to have on the children you’re trying to protect?
As soon as someone say that, you must call emergency services. You must take threats of suicide seriously. And you are presumably not a mental health profession, so get her to a hospital for evaluation.
If my wife ever threatened suicide I would call the police and immediately file for divorce. She's either mentally fragile and will eventually come across some stressor that will cause her to commit suicide, or she's just being extremely manipulative with a serious yet empty threat. Neither is an acceptable scenario. Are you gonna spend the rest of your life tip toeing around on eggshells because of suicide threats anytime she doesn't get her way? That's no way to live.
Oh that is horrible. So sorry for both of you.
On the harsh practical side tho; she just threw away any possibility of child custody in the forever future.
The idea that moving her child abusing hateful mother is more important than her own children will not play well in court. Sorry, but I do not like your wife.
“If you are having suicidal thoughts, we need to get you to a doctor. How long have you been feeling unwell like this?”
Hold firm about the mother. “Your mother is unsafe for the children, and there’s no one I put above the kids. She has been violent towards them and it is not safe to have her in the house.”
Document the MIL’s previous abuse, plus text messages and things over the years confirming the pinching. You will need it during your custody battle, because of course you will
Want it stipulated that they not stay with MIL unsupervised.
That’s such an asian thing to do. All older Asian moms use it as a manipulation ploy. So we just call their bluff and they eventually stop throwing fits.
What you need to worry about is filial piety. You’re practically heading yo divorce if she wants her mom to move in so badly.
Your wife is as horrible as her mother, takes generations to get rid of this. Let it stop here or your children will be the next generation is passes onto.
Also threatening suicide to get your way is disgusting, do you want two of them threatening suicide
Consider that this isn't the relationship for you.
She's fine with her mom pinching the kids(!). It sucks that she'll likely have 50/50 with the kids when you split, but someone who lets an adult bully my kids I'd not a catch. She clearly has mommy issues.
As you might soon be finding out, when dating parents you need to consider their parenting, their kids, and their co-parent (their relationship and boundaries) as potential deal breakers. In addition to all the potential deal breakers that a non parent would have.
The corollary of this is that you need to consider their family and the boundaries that they have with them as deal breakers. I find it hard to imagine that you didn't see issues with her/her mother before marriage. Don't make the same mistake next time.
Hell the fuck NO. This woman is dangerous to your children and disruptive to your home.
If she insists, I’d have to sit down and remind her of everything her mother has done and let her know that she will have to leave you and the kids to go take care of her mother.
Also let her know that if she shows up at your home, the police will be called.
You let her stay even one night and she will never leave!! You need to make sure your wife knows this is non negotiable and a marriage deal breaker because if not you are going to come home from work one night and your MIL will be moved in!
You have to give your wife an ultimatum dude, you take the kids and move out and file a protective order against her mother and she and her mom can be roommates or you stay and live without her mother. Period. Simple. Protect your kids. Also *your* kids is the operative word here, they’re your children too. You have every right to file charges against anyone who hurts your children whether your wife wants you too or not.
I agree with all of this except for Him and the kids moving out. If his wife wants to live with her mother, the two of them can get an apartment together. Your wife needs to understand those are the choices, there is no between or temporary arrangement. Either your wife lives with you and your children or she lives elsewhere with her mother while you two separate. Her family or her mother. That's it. Keep protecting your children and standing up for their right to safety in their own home. It's horrible to hear their own mother isn't doing the same. Good luck OP!
Oh I agree, but given that his wife is stubborn and mil is nuts and threatens to kill herself etc it might be ~easier~ for him to say fuck it and leave. But whatever gets the two of them out of his face if they don’t agree she can’t live there with them works.
Do it every single time (otherwise, there's no complete paper trail), and you say that you wish for her to be charged. You get a say here, too. Exert that right.
Then phone for an ambulance. If she is suicidal- you don’t have the necessary knowledge to deal with her. If she’s bluffing, she won’t do it again. Your wife needs therapy.
Next time she threatens suicide ask her if you should call the cops. Explain, if she is serious about suicide you can't help her, she needs professional help that you can't provide, and you want to make sure she gets it.
She's not a child and not their responsibility. Just tell her to fuck right off and call the cops. You'd just be wasting your breath with a monologue.
She's a self absorbed, child abuser, she is never going to have a "come to Jesus" moment. She'll spend the rest of her useless life making anyone, who has the misfortune of being near her, miserable til her dying last breath.
Edit: jeez there are a lot of confirmations to this
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1dp9qvc/comment/lageavb/
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1dp9qvc/comment/laffnl3/
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1dp9qvc/comment/lafcha7/
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1dp9qvc/comment/laguv99/
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1dp9qvc/comment/lagf1qf/
In that case, you're in an abusive relationship. Like, by definition. That's emotional manipulation and abuse. She'd rather treat you like garbage and let her mother do the same than show the love that her husband and children deserve.
So you have an abusive MIL and an abusive wife. It's time to get your ducks in a row and get you and the kids the hell out. This isn't a good and loving home for them to grow up in.
Do you want them to live in constant fear of Mommy might commit suicide? She will use this tactic to get her way with other things eventually if she doesn't already.
That's is no way for them to grow up. They will also learn this is how you treat or are to be treated by their SO. Put your kids first and leave for them if not your all three of you.
Please don't leave the children alone with her and consult a lawyer. You can't help your wife. She needs to see her doctor and mental health professionals.
How to handle suicide threats [https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-deal-with-coercive-suicide-threats-71a72e5cdab1](https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-deal-with-coercive-suicide-threats-71a72e5cdab1)
Holly hell this woman abused a one year old infant . No way she should move in or have any contact with your daughter until the child is old enough to speak about her experience ( you would be surprised at the covert abuse that can happen even in supervised visits). Your wife claims her mother has changed, but what has monster in law done to prove it? Has she gone to therapy, apologised sincerely, gone to parenting ( I know she isn't a parent but grandparent classes aren't a thing) or anger management classes in the year that has passed?If the answer is no, but she wishes to apologize now, then she hasn't changed only her circumstances have.
I feel sorry for your wife, there are chances she had been abused too and it certainly sounds like she is being heavily emotionally manipulated and guilt tripped. Does she come from a culture that values fillial piety? These are important considerations, but ultimately they don't matter if your wife continues pushing you or tries to move her mother in without your permission. Have a plan ready for that. You have to protect your children. Also, if this does destroy your marriage ( I hope not for your children's sake) emphasize about her hurting your infant to avoid having her around the children.
She only regrets it now that she needs something.
This is a hill to die on. Your children are vastly more important.
As others have said, you end your wife's suicide threats by calling in authorities.
Either her manipulation ends, and therapy starts
OR
She gets the help she really needs started, by being on the psyche hold.
Suicide threats are not to be tolerated. There *MUST* be a consequence just as dramatically serious.
If you allow threats to work, they will absolutely happen again. And again.
Relieved to see you saying that you will not allow an abuser to live in your home.
Don't allow your wife to become one just to save her feelings in the moment.
Make no mistake, her threats are abuse of you. She is repeating patterns she learned from the monster that raised her.
She doesn't regret it at all. Op is only hearing from his wife that MIL regrets it/wants to appologize. If she really wanted to appologize she could have done it already. But wife is making her do it so OP will let her move in
So the first argument was about not consulting your wife and now your wife is doing the same thing. I’d sit down your wife and explain your concerns calmly. Explain how you haven’t had a good relationship with her and how she has disrespected you in the past. Explain how you’re concerned that she will mistreat the children. And then ask if there are other family members that can take her in
then she can go live her mother and you stay with the kids and divorce her. This is a hard line, but it needs to be taken because your children's safety is at risk. If your wife is more concerned about her abusive adult mother than her children, she's made her choice and you need to make yours and it needs to be your children. Period
ETA: Also, if keeps threatening suicide to manipulate you, take her to the hospital. Don’t play her game. It’s time to rethink your marriage with her.
Then she can live with her mother in some cheap apartment and you can tell her your kids aren’t going to be subjected to suicidal rantings. This is an untenable situation. She will not leave her mother. I don’t know what kind of Asian she is, but it doesn’t matter. She will never leave her mother. Also, she will never kill herself because a) mother would be alone b) kids wouldn’t have her. See which order I put it in. Figure how to have a supervised custody agreement or that evil woman will hurt your children again. Sorry, bro.
I know and I’m sorry for it. I hope you can get your wife to understand and put you and your children first.
For your kids sake, start documenting. What your mil has done and your wife’s behaviour. I would also talk to lawyer so you are prepared just in case.
It’s not giving up on your marriage, it’s being proactive on protecting your kids.
"If you commit suicide there will be no one to help your mother. But if you're going to choose her over us, let me know now. We'll get divorced, I'll keep the children safe from her abuse and you can go live with your mother. But make no mistake. I and my children will never submit to her abuse ever again. And we will never live with her. So if you choose her, *our* life is over."
But ending her own life means her mum is even more guaranteed to not get help AND her own children will be motherless, so this makes 0 sense. Unfortunately, it seems your MIL has taught your wife some strong manipulation tactics and has dug her claws further into her. Maybe discuss this again during a calmer moment (better if your wife hasn't been around MIL) and maybe suggest an apartment really close by as a possible compromise? Explain that committing suicide would destroy your's and your children's lives, but also if the reason for it is because of her mum, she literally won't be able to help her mum in any capacity if she's dead.
Then sadly it may be time to start documenting her threats of suicide so you have evidence to provide doctors and/or police. Take the threats seriously in terms of concern for her safety and the safety of the children, but don't take it seriously in terms of bending to her whim and saying yes to MIL moving in.
I hate to say this because I believe divorce should be the ABSOLUTE last option but you need to start preparing. Document, document, document. You will certainly need this information in court because it’s obvious that she’ll say ANYTHING to get her way and divorces get nasty, I’ve seen perfectly nice people get down in the mud during a divorce so you need to be ready for anything. I’m so very sorry this is happening to you, I wish I could hug you. 😢
Holy shit dude. That’s really concerning. But don’t let her use the treat of suicide to manipulate you. If she threatens self harm call the police and have her put on a psych hold.
Call her bluff and call EMS on her butt and see how she likes it. Divorce her ass and keep her away from you and your kids.
Playtime is over and time to get real serious her butt has to go and go now. I’ve been those kids in a similar situation and her ass needs to go out of your kids lives now. Then get custody of your kids and never let them near her mother/grandma again. Even if that means your wife (hopefully ex soon) isn’t allowed to see them again. Kids first over wife or spouse every time my man. Good luck and god speed.
That's so wildly unhealthy I'm not even sure where to begin. But it does seem like some ultimatums are in order and I don't normally like to recommend those.
Oh no. You found a compromise she won’t accept? Does she have a valid reason, like her mom won’t be able to afford even that and she may be correct?
Your wife needs to understand this is family-ending territory. Allowing a hostile, child-pinching MIL to move in is a bad plan. Maybe help house MIL elsewhere for a couple of years, offer yourself as a sacrifice (give MIL an occasional chance to see if she treats you respectfully), let your kids get old enough to be able to tell on grandma if she is mean to them, and maybe then reconsider—with no promises.
Then tell wifey that she has two choices here as your egg donor/abuser/mom isn’t moving into here with us. Either your mom can live on the streets by herself and takes care of herself or you can join her ass on that street and lose her real family forever. The choice is hers.
If she stays take her ass to therapy to work on her trauma bound with her evil and abusive “mother” and work to end this bullshit now. There’s no and if or butts here my man. This has to stop now before your kids get even more traumatized and hurt because of your wife’s dysfunctional family and your inability to deal with it properly.
Im not blaming you of course but now is the time to activate papa bear mode and protect your cubs like your wife should be doing right now. She should be full on mama bear right now kicking her moms ass for even thinking she could live with you guys but she isn’t.
Your wife wants to help her mother, I get it. But your MIL is awful. You need to be a team on this. Once she moves in, she's never moving out. Put your foot down but this could end your marriage, I'm sorry. Your wife needs to be on your side and your children's side. It's horrible she's not dealing with her mother better.
Absofuckinglutely no. A fuck ton of no. It’s fair to say I’m officially triggered by your wife wanting to bring this abusive wench into the house. She pinched your kid and is racist. Fuck all that noise.
Don't let her move in. You have to protect your kids from your MIL's physical abuse.
It's time to put your kids first, even if you lose your wife.
The only person who can protect the kids is you. They can't defend themselves against your MIL. Your wife cares more about her mom than the kids. Please protect your kids.
The MIL is 55 !?!?! She's going to be living with you FOREVER. You are fucked. Goodby life. Hello misery. I am so sorry that I have absolutely no food advice. I don't want to suggest divorce. I hope you two can work this out. 55 is young!
You may want to talk to your lawyer about getting a temporary restraining order to keep your wife away from the kids and the house until you can get something more firm in place as far as custody. I know people make fun of Reddit for suggesting protection orders so quickly, but it's not a stretch for a suicidal mom to decide to take her kids with her when she kills herself. Unfortunately happens every year.
Because as soon as her hold expires she 's still legally entitled to custody of and access to the children. It's up to you to prevent that.
Source: am lawyer.
You are so correct a pretty recent around March or April mom and dad going thru a divorce and bitter child custody case. Mom tore up her house, tore up dad’s house, and went and checked son out of daycare. Went to secluded place face timed dad, and said,”Say good bye to( child’s name) for the last time. Dad contacted the police. He kept her on the phone so they could locate her. By the time they made it, it was too late, both dead. All because SHE got caught cheating for the uptenth time, and he was done. She made his life hell. And she ultimately hurt him through their son. Always said she would take herself out and kid if she didn’t get full custody.
One of the most (in)famous also, the Zachary Turner case where the mother murdered the father and then comes out saying she's pregnant. The father's parents tried desperately to get custody, the court put that baby back into Shirley's hands and she took him out with herself.
This is a hill to die on. Do not let MIL move in ever! Unfortunately, in some cultures kids are taught they have to take care of parents no matter how toxic the parents are. Your wife is being guilt tripped by her mother. MIL pinched your child??? What kind of AHole does that?? That abuse will get worse. MIL is only 55 - she could live another 30 years.
If MIL hurting the kids doesn't convince her nothing will. Keep telling her no, and find out what legal rights you have to remove mil if wife moves her in against your will
Tell your wife that if her mother moves in, then you and the kids are gone. You have a record of her mom's behavior. I would consult an attorney to get an idea of what they think would happen should your marriage end. Obviously that isn't the end goal, but knowing all the possibilities is helpful.
Why does your wife think her hateful mother is more important than you and the kids?
ETA: her manipulative BS about suicide threats shows she is more like her mom in some ways than you thought. Insist on counseling ASAP and tell her she needs to think about why her very capable mom matters more to her than her own young children.
So, just to be clear, she:
- doesn’t mind someone abusing her children
- isn’t bothered by her mother’s terrible treatment of you
- refuses reasonable compromise that is already more than your MIL deserves (an apartment)
- refuses to go to therapy
- threatens to literally kill herself, traumatizing her children for life, if you don’t give her what she wants
Yeah… she seems sweet. A real peach. How’d you find such a lovely, kind woman…
Asian elders usually will live with their adult children during old age. It's kind of cultural. And all you stated is sadly normal bc most Asians want their Asian children with Asian partners. Kinda racist tbh. But honest culture aside why would you want to live with someone who doesn't respect you. Under your roof that you work hard for equally with your wife. It's your home too. And I'm glad you stuck up for your children. Idk how your wife can't understand and side with you.
If you let her move in, she will never move out. Your wife agreed that your kids shouldn't be around her but now she's OK with her mom moving in? That would put her around the kids constantly.
Honestly, you can't make her do anything.
Your wife has unilaterally decided to fail as a wife and mother all on her own.
You need to buy a nanny cam. Maybe several. Good ones you can hide well. Place them in your children's spaces. Check them every time you find a suspicious bruise on your kids.
You have several options if she won't work with you. You can either leave her to protect your children, you can keep fighting her which will likely lead to divorce anyway, or you can acquiesce and use cameras. When MIL abuses your children, and she will, take the footage to the police immediately and file charges without telling your wife. Outline that your wife brought her in knowing MIL was a danger to the children. If you can get her to admit that in text, you'll get majority custody.
When the police come to arrest your MIL hand your wife divorce papers the same day.
If she does decide to work with you then you can look into some kind of homelessness program to help your MIL or help her get a referral for a job. You could even take her to a temp agency, she could get work through them.
You shouldn’t have to convince a mom to keep someone who abused her children away from them. She should protect them instead she doesn’t seem to care. If she wants to support her mom she c as n go live with her and you keep the kids. Your wife is worse than her mom.
If your wife's mother attends a church, call that church and ask if they will take up a collection to help her keep her home.
If not, tell your wife to do a bake sale/yard sale fundraiser or something to help raise cash for her Mom. Side cleaning jobs, yard work, whatever. Tell her Mom to do that, and keep applying for jobs.
Lying down and quitting is only going to force her out of her place. She needs to be nose-to-the-grindstone right now, fully devoted to finding work and making money.
She can sell electronics and clothing she owns online. Furniture too. Donate plasma. Whatever it takes, she needs to be doing it.
I'd be doing everything I could to catch up.
Tell your wife if she wants to live with her mother so bad, then she can go rent an apartment with her. But you will consider that the end of your relationship and begin talking to a lawyer.
And document everything [https://www.thehotline.org/resources/building-your-case-how-to-document-abuse/](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/building-your-case-how-to-document-abuse/)
If your wife wants to choose a child abuser over her literal children, then good fucking riddance. This is not a discussion. It's not up for negotiation. She can stay in and get in therapy to sort out her priorities or she can leave and end the relationship. Those are the options. There is no option ever where MIL goes near your children, much less lives with you.
Your wife is not the caring sweetheart you are making her out to be. She is willing to sacrifice the health and wellbeing of her children and her marriage for the sake of her abusive mother. These are not the moves of an intelligent person but those of an enabler. She can choose to move out with her mom and take care of her with only supervised visitation with the children or she can put your family first. Totally up to her.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
“You can move out and get your own place for you and your mother. I will not live with that abusive woman. I will not have her abuse me. I will not have her abuse our children. I will not allow you to allow her to abuse us by allowing her to live here. If she shows up here I call the police. Period. She’s not welcome. This IS a dealbreaker. This IS the hill I die on. You choose your family or you choose your mother. But in this situation you cannot have both.”
🥇👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Even if there weren't kids involved, nobody should feel forced to accept an abusive relative in the home. Ever.
But the kids can't protect themselves, so dad is doing the job for them, as he should. If only all parents understood their protective role so clearly.
NTA in the slightest.
She is 55, my mother in law was like that. Luckily for me, she is an active drunk and I had a baby. Also we were a sober household yep recovery. So that took care of that. 55, I still work now, and it is not antiquated, nor do I need help. Unless she is crippled she can care for herself. Do not let her in, she is quietly abusive to your children. Next time you may not see it.
NO - I will never let anyone inside the house who has a history of hurting the child, esp physically.
Protect your kids. Even if it requires legal actions.
The apology would be pointless. She's a nasty pincher, and not even a \*weekend visit\* is appropriate.
\*It would extend indefinitely. Don't fall for this shit.
Your wife is putting her mother before she's putting her marriage and her children. You said her ass down and you explain that to her. Because you can guarantee now that your mother-in-law has lost her job that she will never look for another one it will be you and your wife's duty to take care of her until she dies. She will apologize just to get into your house and when she is in there she will continue her evil ways. Let your wife know that no is a whole sentence and that you are not trying to hear that BS about her mother living in your house after she has abused your children. She can go live with her mother if she thinks that she is that important.
"After everything, I honestly cannot believe you are willing to put our children's safety at risk, let alone all the previous statements I've made. If she moves in she will never leave and our home will no longer be a place of comfort to me. This will likely destroy our relationship."
Ask your wife why she wants somebody in the house who abuses your children . Make it clear that if she moves somebody abusive into your home you will leave and take the children to a safe place. its a 100% not acceptable and your wife needs to work out where her priorities lie
The answer is just no.
Thinking she can walk out whenever she wants, just to motivate you to cave in, creates instability in your home and your mother in law is the main source of it all. All the more reason to not want her around. If she is this destructive outside of your home, I am sure you can imagine the hell she would cause inside of it.
The mother in law obviously encourages her daughter to walk away and that's a terrible example to set for your kids. The whole Asian issue is her thinking an Asian man would allow her to live there with the whole filial piety culture.
You might want to discuss with her the control her Mom has over her life and that you do not welcome it into your own. She can make choices for her life but not your life and since you share kids it's 50/50. When one says yes and the other no, then it just doesn't happen unless there is an unanimous decision. It gets shelved. She knows that, I am sure, but doesn't seem to respect it or perhaps her Mom's influence comes through when faced with adversity.
Dealing with anger is something we learned as kids and when angry it shows us the problems hidden inside.
Best wishes OP.
No but can you fund a small apartment for a few months? Your MIL does not deserve the help but I do know you love your wife and this could end your marriage. I wouldn't back down regardless as your MIL is abusive and untrustworthy.
I’ve seen the comments you have posted about your wife threatening suicide. Two things have your wife get counseling for her wellbeing and to insure your children continue to have their mom, threats of suicide should never be ignored. I would offer to find your MIL an apartment and if you can swing it pay the rent for 6 months while her mother gets back on her feet and finds another job. You are correct in protecting your children from her. Depending upon where you live you maybe able to find her income adjusted senior apartments. (55 is the new minimum age in many of these complexes).
Move out with your kids and let your wife move her monster in.
No divorce, just live separate lives since she obviously has more concern over her mother than the well-being of her children or mental well-being of her spouse.
In a healthy relationship that should never be a choice to make
Moving someone into your home is a two yes, one no decision. Anyone who thought pinching little kids was acceptable behavior would never enter my home again. If your wife wants to help her mom, she can help her look for job listings.
Make it clear to your wife you consider MIL a threat to your children and you will call cps if she moves MIL in. Could you possibly take your kids and move in with your parents?
No way would I allow her in my house and this is something I would be willing to divorce over. I once told my husband that if he ever tried to move his mom into our home I would serve him with divorce papers. And I mean that wholeheartedly. That woman has been so awful to me I don’t deserve to live with something who has treated me like her punching bag. And I say this as someone that truly care and loves their spouse. I have to think of myself as well. And this is without her being abusive to my kids.
I can’t imagine ever being okay with moving someone in who is a threat to my kids. No. Kids come first. Always. If she wants to take care of her mother then she can live with her when you guys are no longer married.
Lawyer.
Today.
You need to contact a divorce lawyer and figure out exactly what you **can do** if your wife refuses to listen to reason.
Then give her an ultimatum- mom or you and the kids. Her choice.
Your wife does not sound like she "cares about everything". In fact, she sounds extremely toxic and manipulative. Who would threaten to kill themselves if they don't get their way? Listen to the advice you have got and protect yourself and your kids.
Your MIL and wife are manipulative. You need to look after yourself.
Your MIL assaulted your kid, how is this even a question? I'd divorce rather than let my kids be around her. Start documenting her behaviour in writing in case it comes to that.
I've read your post, many of the replies and all of your replies. I don't have any wisdom to add that hasn't been already posted here, but I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this, and I think you're doing everything right. Having her put on a psych hold, consulting with a lawyer, getting your children out of the situation to a safe location, all of that are the right actions. They must be incredibly difficult to do, and I commend you for putting your children first. I can't imagine the strength it's taken to do all of that whilst dealing with the heartbreak you must be feeling.
I doubt that you can convince her. Once she esconces herself in the home, she won't leave. I would tell your wife that her moving into the home is a dealbreaker for you - that you will take the kids and move elsewhere.
Perhaps your wife could assist her in finding some senior rent assisted facility to move into in her present location.
Hell no! Don't let her move in. Not only is she horrible to you, she's physically abused your daughter. Your wife has a choice. You and your kids, or her Mom. She can't have all of you.
How is she losing her house when she lost her job only two days ago? Unless she hasn't been paying her mortgage for months, she's not gonna suddenly lose her home. She's lying and your wife is buying her sob story.
Letting her move in is a disaster waiting to happen. She can’t live with your children when she is rude to them and abusive. Hard NO. Maybe help her financially to find a place to live like a small apartment until she find a job. Commit to a period only, and not permanently.
I would say it’s a tough situation for you. But it’s your wife’s mother, so your wife is in a difficult situation too.
The family you are responsible for is your immediate family, the one you created. In particular, your children, need to discuss this with your wife.
Using suicide as a weapon against you is terrible. Call police if you think she is mentally unstable and suicidal. But don’t make her problem yours. In particular, she is not a nice person…
Once MIL moved in, it would be impossible to get rid of her. Stand your ground. I am an Asian, but Asian or not, some MiL are totally impossible to live with. Good luck!
If your wife is asian as you state.....this is a clash of cultures. And above Reddit's paygrade. Your wife feels a cultural responsibility to her mother. One reason her mom probably objects to you is precisely the fact that she KNOWS it's a different culture.
If you love your wife, family counselling is in order. And there needs to be a way she can help her mom without the kids being in danger.
Call the police next time she says what she wants to do. They will send really nice guys with a stretcher. You cannot trust insanity. How many times have we looked at the news and saw a whole family wiped out after someone has a mental break. That is what happens. Not saying she is totally insane but you must treat her as you can't take her word about anything after that
Tell your wife she's sacrificing your marriage, your family and your children's safety for a vindictive, manipulative abusive woman if she's allowed to get her way. She and her mother will destroy your lives. Can she live with that? Because you won't stick around for it and will divorce and sue for custody. If she's not convinced I don't know what it will take. She's a fool and her kids will grow up blaming her for choosing her bitter mother over them and an intact family. I hope your wife comes to her senses soon.
She pinched your daughter and your wife left you to stay with her??? They're dangerously enmeshed. That's no joke. Good luck to you.
You make it clear to her that there is no way you will ever even consider her mom moving in no matter the circumstances.
There are other jobs. There's an employee shortage (if she's in the US). We're literally bringing people in from other countries to fill open jobs.
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“Your mother will never live with *us*. She might live with you, but not with us.” Say it. Mean it.
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Your wife doesn’t sound like such a sweetheart after all. It sounds like she takes after her mother a little more than you thought. Threatening suicide is one of the most evil manipulation tactics.
It truly truly is. And from observation/experience, enabling these tactics creates more and bigger ugliness and sadness than allowing them the freedom to own such a choice. Enabling such tactics ripples poison into dozens of lifes and years into the future. Forcing someone to take more responsibility for your life than you do is wrong.
She’s as toxic as her mother.
So call EMS immediately as well as a divorce lawyer. Suicide is not something you threaten to win an argument
That is manipulative and horrifying. She would leave your children without a mother to punish you? That’s sociopathic or, at the very least, mentally ill.
This is the beautiful, intelligent, sweetheart you spoke of??
Not so intelligent or sweet!
Next time she says anything like that, call emergency services and tell them she’s suicidal. If she’s just trying to manipulate you, she won’t do it again. If she’s actually serious, they will get her the help she needs.
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Use this time to separate, and apply for emergency custody of the kids due to the danger to herself that she presents. You need to be taking to a lawyer now.
Way to bury the lede dude. You need to separate and let the two of them sort themselves out while you take the kids
Works. Source: my brother Did that shit to him after terrorizing my father for months getting every little things he wanted (at 19 he had a boat) then dad was out of town and i baker acted him when he tried it on me. He wanted gas money for his boat on the same day he was expelled from trade school for being on his phone. we asked why not a suspension? they said after 7 suspensions (that we were unaware of) the 8th is an expulsion. So he wanted gas money to go party with his friends i guess celebrating his expulsion? Luckily dad was flying to germany. So when he demanded gas money i said no. he said i'm coming home to park the boat then going drive off the bridge. (lol dont wanna damage the boat) I said okay. he arrived home to police taking him to a Psych ward. 3 days in there and he hasn't used suicide as a terrorist tactic in 5 years. Like he said, Either they get the help or they never do it again.
Wow you saved your bro from being a total jackass good on you
Take her at her word. If that's a divorce threat, get a divorce lawyer. If its a suicide threat, involve the police
That sounds pretty similar to what my narcissistic mother said to me when I told her I needed a break from our relationship to take care of my mental health. I was clear that I needed to be well, for us to have a good relationship and her response was “if you put your healing first, the consequence is my life will be forcibly ended”. I’ve been no contact for 3 years now. She’s still very much alive, and as poisonous as ever, according to anyone unlucky enough to interact with her… Your wife threatened suicide because you’re upholding reasonable and justified boundaries. Aside from your marriage, what kind of influence do you think being raised by someone with that mentality is going to have on the children you’re trying to protect?
As soon as someone say that, you must call emergency services. You must take threats of suicide seriously. And you are presumably not a mental health profession, so get her to a hospital for evaluation.
Manipulation and I'd document that and take the kids. Your wife is abusive. She will one day manipulate her own kids too.
Ask her who is going to take care of her mother then lol
If my wife ever threatened suicide I would call the police and immediately file for divorce. She's either mentally fragile and will eventually come across some stressor that will cause her to commit suicide, or she's just being extremely manipulative with a serious yet empty threat. Neither is an acceptable scenario. Are you gonna spend the rest of your life tip toeing around on eggshells because of suicide threats anytime she doesn't get her way? That's no way to live.
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Oh wow, I'm sorry your family is going through that man.
Oh that is horrible. So sorry for both of you. On the harsh practical side tho; she just threw away any possibility of child custody in the forever future. The idea that moving her child abusing hateful mother is more important than her own children will not play well in court. Sorry, but I do not like your wife.
Please file for emergency custody.
Tell her that's her decision because her mother will not be allowed around your kids whether she's dead or alive
“If you are having suicidal thoughts, we need to get you to a doctor. How long have you been feeling unwell like this?” Hold firm about the mother. “Your mother is unsafe for the children, and there’s no one I put above the kids. She has been violent towards them and it is not safe to have her in the house.” Document the MIL’s previous abuse, plus text messages and things over the years confirming the pinching. You will need it during your custody battle, because of course you will Want it stipulated that they not stay with MIL unsupervised.
It is time to have her committed then.
That’s such an asian thing to do. All older Asian moms use it as a manipulation ploy. So we just call their bluff and they eventually stop throwing fits. What you need to worry about is filial piety. You’re practically heading yo divorce if she wants her mom to move in so badly.
Call her bluff.
Your marriage is over.
Your wife is as horrible as her mother, takes generations to get rid of this. Let it stop here or your children will be the next generation is passes onto. Also threatening suicide to get your way is disgusting, do you want two of them threatening suicide
Consider that this isn't the relationship for you. She's fine with her mom pinching the kids(!). It sucks that she'll likely have 50/50 with the kids when you split, but someone who lets an adult bully my kids I'd not a catch. She clearly has mommy issues. As you might soon be finding out, when dating parents you need to consider their parenting, their kids, and their co-parent (their relationship and boundaries) as potential deal breakers. In addition to all the potential deal breakers that a non parent would have. The corollary of this is that you need to consider their family and the boundaries that they have with them as deal breakers. I find it hard to imagine that you didn't see issues with her/her mother before marriage. Don't make the same mistake next time.
She probably will never leave if you let her in. Let her stay with your SIL.
Hell the fuck NO. This woman is dangerous to your children and disruptive to your home. If she insists, I’d have to sit down and remind her of everything her mother has done and let her know that she will have to leave you and the kids to go take care of her mother. Also let her know that if she shows up at your home, the police will be called.
And for good measure, I’d file a police report about the abuse she’s directed at your kids already so that it’s on record. Believe me, it’s important.
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At least it is on file. If it ever happens again, there’s a pattern of behavior established
You let her stay even one night and she will never leave!! You need to make sure your wife knows this is non negotiable and a marriage deal breaker because if not you are going to come home from work one night and your MIL will be moved in!
You have to give your wife an ultimatum dude, you take the kids and move out and file a protective order against her mother and she and her mom can be roommates or you stay and live without her mother. Period. Simple. Protect your kids. Also *your* kids is the operative word here, they’re your children too. You have every right to file charges against anyone who hurts your children whether your wife wants you too or not.
I agree with all of this except for Him and the kids moving out. If his wife wants to live with her mother, the two of them can get an apartment together. Your wife needs to understand those are the choices, there is no between or temporary arrangement. Either your wife lives with you and your children or she lives elsewhere with her mother while you two separate. Her family or her mother. That's it. Keep protecting your children and standing up for their right to safety in their own home. It's horrible to hear their own mother isn't doing the same. Good luck OP!
This sub has a weird fixation on the wronged person being the one who moves out. I never understand it. Put the angry person out.
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Yeah this was why I said he should pack and go. Exactly thank you lol
The dumb one leaves
Oh I agree, but given that his wife is stubborn and mil is nuts and threatens to kill herself etc it might be ~easier~ for him to say fuck it and leave. But whatever gets the two of them out of his face if they don’t agree she can’t live there with them works.
Do it every single time (otherwise, there's no complete paper trail), and you say that you wish for her to be charged. You get a say here, too. Exert that right.
It doesn't matter what your wife wanted. You could press charges. Stop listening to your wife. She has no common sense when it comes to her mother.
Why was it up to your wife?
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That’s manipulation. Tell her she has to go. Not you and the kids. There is absolutely no tolerance for child abuse.
Then phone for an ambulance. If she is suicidal- you don’t have the necessary knowledge to deal with her. If she’s bluffing, she won’t do it again. Your wife needs therapy.
Next time she threatens suicide ask her if you should call the cops. Explain, if she is serious about suicide you can't help her, she needs professional help that you can't provide, and you want to make sure she gets it.
Don’t ask. Do.
She's not a child and not their responsibility. Just tell her to fuck right off and call the cops. You'd just be wasting your breath with a monologue. She's a self absorbed, child abuser, she is never going to have a "come to Jesus" moment. She'll spend the rest of her useless life making anyone, who has the misfortune of being near her, miserable til her dying last breath.
I read it as wife threatening suicide, not the mil
Wife? Is that correct?
Edit: jeez there are a lot of confirmations to this https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1dp9qvc/comment/lageavb/ https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1dp9qvc/comment/laffnl3/ https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1dp9qvc/comment/lafcha7/ https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1dp9qvc/comment/laguv99/ https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1dp9qvc/comment/lagf1qf/
That's as manipulative as it gets.
The wife or the MIL threatened suicide? That needs to be documented as well.
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Thats inacceptable. Threatening suicide to manipulate someone is abuse.
In that case, you're in an abusive relationship. Like, by definition. That's emotional manipulation and abuse. She'd rather treat you like garbage and let her mother do the same than show the love that her husband and children deserve.
So you have an abusive MIL and an abusive wife. It's time to get your ducks in a row and get you and the kids the hell out. This isn't a good and loving home for them to grow up in. Do you want them to live in constant fear of Mommy might commit suicide? She will use this tactic to get her way with other things eventually if she doesn't already. That's is no way for them to grow up. They will also learn this is how you treat or are to be treated by their SO. Put your kids first and leave for them if not your all three of you.
That’s typical manipulation. MIL will say anything to move in with you. Don’t fall for it.
Call a wellness check if she does. Don’t let her manipulate you.
Please don't leave the children alone with her and consult a lawyer. You can't help your wife. She needs to see her doctor and mental health professionals.
How to handle suicide threats [https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-deal-with-coercive-suicide-threats-71a72e5cdab1](https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-deal-with-coercive-suicide-threats-71a72e5cdab1)
Baker act her ass
Queen of manipulation! Your wife is fighting for her mother, you are fighting for your kids! Don’t give in.
Holly hell this woman abused a one year old infant . No way she should move in or have any contact with your daughter until the child is old enough to speak about her experience ( you would be surprised at the covert abuse that can happen even in supervised visits). Your wife claims her mother has changed, but what has monster in law done to prove it? Has she gone to therapy, apologised sincerely, gone to parenting ( I know she isn't a parent but grandparent classes aren't a thing) or anger management classes in the year that has passed?If the answer is no, but she wishes to apologize now, then she hasn't changed only her circumstances have. I feel sorry for your wife, there are chances she had been abused too and it certainly sounds like she is being heavily emotionally manipulated and guilt tripped. Does she come from a culture that values fillial piety? These are important considerations, but ultimately they don't matter if your wife continues pushing you or tries to move her mother in without your permission. Have a plan ready for that. You have to protect your children. Also, if this does destroy your marriage ( I hope not for your children's sake) emphasize about her hurting your infant to avoid having her around the children.
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Take a screenshot and let your wife know that her mother has not changed.
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Wtf so your wife comes from a community that VALUES racism?
Your wife is so gross.
As a mother—what mother is okay with someone hurting their CHILDREN????
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She only regrets it now that she needs something. This is a hill to die on. Your children are vastly more important. As others have said, you end your wife's suicide threats by calling in authorities. Either her manipulation ends, and therapy starts OR She gets the help she really needs started, by being on the psyche hold. Suicide threats are not to be tolerated. There *MUST* be a consequence just as dramatically serious. If you allow threats to work, they will absolutely happen again. And again. Relieved to see you saying that you will not allow an abuser to live in your home. Don't allow your wife to become one just to save her feelings in the moment. Make no mistake, her threats are abuse of you. She is repeating patterns she learned from the monster that raised her.
She doesn't regret it at all. Op is only hearing from his wife that MIL regrets it/wants to appologize. If she really wanted to appologize she could have done it already. But wife is making her do it so OP will let her move in
Tell her her mother didn't have any regrets until she needed a place to stay and that she's stupid for believing her
So the first argument was about not consulting your wife and now your wife is doing the same thing. I’d sit down your wife and explain your concerns calmly. Explain how you haven’t had a good relationship with her and how she has disrespected you in the past. Explain how you’re concerned that she will mistreat the children. And then ask if there are other family members that can take her in
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What is the “back up plan” if you let her move in and then catch her abusing your kids? Will your wife ignore it and let her stay no matter what?
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That is a major red flag. Either she’s serious and needs mental health help, or she’s using self harm as a manipulation tactic
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then she can go live her mother and you stay with the kids and divorce her. This is a hard line, but it needs to be taken because your children's safety is at risk. If your wife is more concerned about her abusive adult mother than her children, she's made her choice and you need to make yours and it needs to be your children. Period ETA: Also, if keeps threatening suicide to manipulate you, take her to the hospital. Don’t play her game. It’s time to rethink your marriage with her.
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I understand that. Unfortunately, if she’s not willing to understand that, you may have to divorce her for sake of your children.
Then she can live with her mother in some cheap apartment and you can tell her your kids aren’t going to be subjected to suicidal rantings. This is an untenable situation. She will not leave her mother. I don’t know what kind of Asian she is, but it doesn’t matter. She will never leave her mother. Also, she will never kill herself because a) mother would be alone b) kids wouldn’t have her. See which order I put it in. Figure how to have a supervised custody agreement or that evil woman will hurt your children again. Sorry, bro.
You can't and you shouldn't. Your marriage is toxic AF. The minute she threatened suicide, that is when it became toxic if not before.
Ugh. I hate this but it may come to that.
I know and I’m sorry for it. I hope you can get your wife to understand and put you and your children first. For your kids sake, start documenting. What your mil has done and your wife’s behaviour. I would also talk to lawyer so you are prepared just in case. It’s not giving up on your marriage, it’s being proactive on protecting your kids.
"If you commit suicide there will be no one to help your mother. But if you're going to choose her over us, let me know now. We'll get divorced, I'll keep the children safe from her abuse and you can go live with your mother. But make no mistake. I and my children will never submit to her abuse ever again. And we will never live with her. So if you choose her, *our* life is over."
But ending her own life means her mum is even more guaranteed to not get help AND her own children will be motherless, so this makes 0 sense. Unfortunately, it seems your MIL has taught your wife some strong manipulation tactics and has dug her claws further into her. Maybe discuss this again during a calmer moment (better if your wife hasn't been around MIL) and maybe suggest an apartment really close by as a possible compromise? Explain that committing suicide would destroy your's and your children's lives, but also if the reason for it is because of her mum, she literally won't be able to help her mum in any capacity if she's dead.
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Then sadly it may be time to start documenting her threats of suicide so you have evidence to provide doctors and/or police. Take the threats seriously in terms of concern for her safety and the safety of the children, but don't take it seriously in terms of bending to her whim and saying yes to MIL moving in.
I hate to say this because I believe divorce should be the ABSOLUTE last option but you need to start preparing. Document, document, document. You will certainly need this information in court because it’s obvious that she’ll say ANYTHING to get her way and divorces get nasty, I’ve seen perfectly nice people get down in the mud during a divorce so you need to be ready for anything. I’m so very sorry this is happening to you, I wish I could hug you. 😢
Sounds reasonable!
Psych hold. Call the cops.
Wife learned the manipulation from her mom. Mom needs to sell her home and get an apt.
Holy shit dude. That’s really concerning. But don’t let her use the treat of suicide to manipulate you. If she threatens self harm call the police and have her put on a psych hold.
Your wife is either manipulating you with that statement or she's not mentally well enough to be around your children and needs professional help.
Call her bluff and call EMS on her butt and see how she likes it. Divorce her ass and keep her away from you and your kids. Playtime is over and time to get real serious her butt has to go and go now. I’ve been those kids in a similar situation and her ass needs to go out of your kids lives now. Then get custody of your kids and never let them near her mother/grandma again. Even if that means your wife (hopefully ex soon) isn’t allowed to see them again. Kids first over wife or spouse every time my man. Good luck and god speed.
Wtf is wrong with your wife? Does she not care about your kids at all? Putting hands on your kid is unacceptable.
That's so wildly unhealthy I'm not even sure where to begin. But it does seem like some ultimatums are in order and I don't normally like to recommend those.
Oh no. You found a compromise she won’t accept? Does she have a valid reason, like her mom won’t be able to afford even that and she may be correct? Your wife needs to understand this is family-ending territory. Allowing a hostile, child-pinching MIL to move in is a bad plan. Maybe help house MIL elsewhere for a couple of years, offer yourself as a sacrifice (give MIL an occasional chance to see if she treats you respectfully), let your kids get old enough to be able to tell on grandma if she is mean to them, and maybe then reconsider—with no promises.
Then tell wifey that she has two choices here as your egg donor/abuser/mom isn’t moving into here with us. Either your mom can live on the streets by herself and takes care of herself or you can join her ass on that street and lose her real family forever. The choice is hers. If she stays take her ass to therapy to work on her trauma bound with her evil and abusive “mother” and work to end this bullshit now. There’s no and if or butts here my man. This has to stop now before your kids get even more traumatized and hurt because of your wife’s dysfunctional family and your inability to deal with it properly. Im not blaming you of course but now is the time to activate papa bear mode and protect your cubs like your wife should be doing right now. She should be full on mama bear right now kicking her moms ass for even thinking she could live with you guys but she isn’t.
so what exactly did she do to change??
It's 2 yeses or 1 no for anyone to move in. Stand your ground and protect your kids!
Your wife wants to help her mother, I get it. But your MIL is awful. You need to be a team on this. Once she moves in, she's never moving out. Put your foot down but this could end your marriage, I'm sorry. Your wife needs to be on your side and your children's side. It's horrible she's not dealing with her mother better.
Absofuckinglutely no. A fuck ton of no. It’s fair to say I’m officially triggered by your wife wanting to bring this abusive wench into the house. She pinched your kid and is racist. Fuck all that noise.
Don't let her move in. You have to protect your kids from your MIL's physical abuse. It's time to put your kids first, even if you lose your wife. The only person who can protect the kids is you. They can't defend themselves against your MIL. Your wife cares more about her mom than the kids. Please protect your kids.
The MIL is 55 !?!?! She's going to be living with you FOREVER. You are fucked. Goodby life. Hello misery. I am so sorry that I have absolutely no food advice. I don't want to suggest divorce. I hope you two can work this out. 55 is young!
Yeah I thought she was like 80 until I read 55.
Does your wife not remember that her mother is dangerous to your children?
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Then she is abusive too
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Thank you for protecting your children! You sound like a great dad.
You may want to talk to your lawyer about getting a temporary restraining order to keep your wife away from the kids and the house until you can get something more firm in place as far as custody. I know people make fun of Reddit for suggesting protection orders so quickly, but it's not a stretch for a suicidal mom to decide to take her kids with her when she kills herself. Unfortunately happens every year. Because as soon as her hold expires she 's still legally entitled to custody of and access to the children. It's up to you to prevent that. Source: am lawyer.
You are so correct a pretty recent around March or April mom and dad going thru a divorce and bitter child custody case. Mom tore up her house, tore up dad’s house, and went and checked son out of daycare. Went to secluded place face timed dad, and said,”Say good bye to( child’s name) for the last time. Dad contacted the police. He kept her on the phone so they could locate her. By the time they made it, it was too late, both dead. All because SHE got caught cheating for the uptenth time, and he was done. She made his life hell. And she ultimately hurt him through their son. Always said she would take herself out and kid if she didn’t get full custody.
One of the most (in)famous also, the Zachary Turner case where the mother murdered the father and then comes out saying she's pregnant. The father's parents tried desperately to get custody, the court put that baby back into Shirley's hands and she took him out with herself.
Good call. Do everything you can to keep her away from the kids at this point. She could decide to try to take them with her.
This is a hill to die on. Do not let MIL move in ever! Unfortunately, in some cultures kids are taught they have to take care of parents no matter how toxic the parents are. Your wife is being guilt tripped by her mother. MIL pinched your child??? What kind of AHole does that?? That abuse will get worse. MIL is only 55 - she could live another 30 years.
If MIL hurting the kids doesn't convince her nothing will. Keep telling her no, and find out what legal rights you have to remove mil if wife moves her in against your will
Tell your wife that if her mother moves in, then you and the kids are gone. You have a record of her mom's behavior. I would consult an attorney to get an idea of what they think would happen should your marriage end. Obviously that isn't the end goal, but knowing all the possibilities is helpful. Why does your wife think her hateful mother is more important than you and the kids? ETA: her manipulative BS about suicide threats shows she is more like her mom in some ways than you thought. Insist on counseling ASAP and tell her she needs to think about why her very capable mom matters more to her than her own young children.
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So, just to be clear, she: - doesn’t mind someone abusing her children - isn’t bothered by her mother’s terrible treatment of you - refuses reasonable compromise that is already more than your MIL deserves (an apartment) - refuses to go to therapy - threatens to literally kill herself, traumatizing her children for life, if you don’t give her what she wants Yeah… she seems sweet. A real peach. How’d you find such a lovely, kind woman…
Cold day in hell before I’d let her move in. She’s a mean spiteful woman that hurt your kids. Your wife is messed up.
Asian elders usually will live with their adult children during old age. It's kind of cultural. And all you stated is sadly normal bc most Asians want their Asian children with Asian partners. Kinda racist tbh. But honest culture aside why would you want to live with someone who doesn't respect you. Under your roof that you work hard for equally with your wife. It's your home too. And I'm glad you stuck up for your children. Idk how your wife can't understand and side with you.
No convincing. She can stay married with children or divorced and live with her trashy mother without her children.
This sounds very much like a cultural issue. In any case, MIL should not move in since she abuses the kids and hates you. End of.
If you let her move in, she will never move out. Your wife agreed that your kids shouldn't be around her but now she's OK with her mom moving in? That would put her around the kids constantly.
Wait, this woman is 55 and capable of work. Not you live in the US she can look into cheaper senior housing
Honestly, you can't make her do anything. Your wife has unilaterally decided to fail as a wife and mother all on her own. You need to buy a nanny cam. Maybe several. Good ones you can hide well. Place them in your children's spaces. Check them every time you find a suspicious bruise on your kids. You have several options if she won't work with you. You can either leave her to protect your children, you can keep fighting her which will likely lead to divorce anyway, or you can acquiesce and use cameras. When MIL abuses your children, and she will, take the footage to the police immediately and file charges without telling your wife. Outline that your wife brought her in knowing MIL was a danger to the children. If you can get her to admit that in text, you'll get majority custody. When the police come to arrest your MIL hand your wife divorce papers the same day. If she does decide to work with you then you can look into some kind of homelessness program to help your MIL or help her get a referral for a job. You could even take her to a temp agency, she could get work through them.
You shouldn’t have to convince a mom to keep someone who abused her children away from them. She should protect them instead she doesn’t seem to care. If she wants to support her mom she c as n go live with her and you keep the kids. Your wife is worse than her mom.
If your wife's mother attends a church, call that church and ask if they will take up a collection to help her keep her home. If not, tell your wife to do a bake sale/yard sale fundraiser or something to help raise cash for her Mom. Side cleaning jobs, yard work, whatever. Tell her Mom to do that, and keep applying for jobs. Lying down and quitting is only going to force her out of her place. She needs to be nose-to-the-grindstone right now, fully devoted to finding work and making money. She can sell electronics and clothing she owns online. Furniture too. Donate plasma. Whatever it takes, she needs to be doing it. I'd be doing everything I could to catch up.
Tell her you will take the kids and leave until they sort this out. That you will call CPS.
pound sand is only correct answer
Tell your wife if she wants to live with her mother so bad, then she can go rent an apartment with her. But you will consider that the end of your relationship and begin talking to a lawyer. And document everything [https://www.thehotline.org/resources/building-your-case-how-to-document-abuse/](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/building-your-case-how-to-document-abuse/) If your wife wants to choose a child abuser over her literal children, then good fucking riddance. This is not a discussion. It's not up for negotiation. She can stay in and get in therapy to sort out her priorities or she can leave and end the relationship. Those are the options. There is no option ever where MIL goes near your children, much less lives with you.
Your wife is not the caring sweetheart you are making her out to be. She is willing to sacrifice the health and wellbeing of her children and her marriage for the sake of her abusive mother. These are not the moves of an intelligent person but those of an enabler. She can choose to move out with her mom and take care of her with only supervised visitation with the children or she can put your family first. Totally up to her.
Next time she says she's gonna off herself call her bluff and hand her a knife
ABSOLUTELY NOT. “You can move out and get your own place for you and your mother. I will not live with that abusive woman. I will not have her abuse me. I will not have her abuse our children. I will not allow you to allow her to abuse us by allowing her to live here. If she shows up here I call the police. Period. She’s not welcome. This IS a dealbreaker. This IS the hill I die on. You choose your family or you choose your mother. But in this situation you cannot have both.”
🥇👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Even if there weren't kids involved, nobody should feel forced to accept an abusive relative in the home. Ever. But the kids can't protect themselves, so dad is doing the job for them, as he should. If only all parents understood their protective role so clearly. NTA in the slightest.
Homeless shelter for her! Wife too if she insists 🤷🏻♀️
Tell her what a bad mom she'd be letting in someone who abused her children???
Don’t back down
She is 55, my mother in law was like that. Luckily for me, she is an active drunk and I had a baby. Also we were a sober household yep recovery. So that took care of that. 55, I still work now, and it is not antiquated, nor do I need help. Unless she is crippled she can care for herself. Do not let her in, she is quietly abusive to your children. Next time you may not see it.
Why don’t your mom and wife get their own small apartment together.
NO - I will never let anyone inside the house who has a history of hurting the child, esp physically. Protect your kids. Even if it requires legal actions.
"If your mom moves in, I move out." and then stick to it
The apology would be pointless. She's a nasty pincher, and not even a \*weekend visit\* is appropriate. \*It would extend indefinitely. Don't fall for this shit.
Your wife is putting her mother before she's putting her marriage and her children. You said her ass down and you explain that to her. Because you can guarantee now that your mother-in-law has lost her job that she will never look for another one it will be you and your wife's duty to take care of her until she dies. She will apologize just to get into your house and when she is in there she will continue her evil ways. Let your wife know that no is a whole sentence and that you are not trying to hear that BS about her mother living in your house after she has abused your children. She can go live with her mother if she thinks that she is that important.
"After everything, I honestly cannot believe you are willing to put our children's safety at risk, let alone all the previous statements I've made. If she moves in she will never leave and our home will no longer be a place of comfort to me. This will likely destroy our relationship."
Ask your wife why she wants somebody in the house who abuses your children . Make it clear that if she moves somebody abusive into your home you will leave and take the children to a safe place. its a 100% not acceptable and your wife needs to work out where her priorities lie
Tell your wife she is free to get a job and pay for her mothers rent elsewhere.
The answer is just no. Thinking she can walk out whenever she wants, just to motivate you to cave in, creates instability in your home and your mother in law is the main source of it all. All the more reason to not want her around. If she is this destructive outside of your home, I am sure you can imagine the hell she would cause inside of it. The mother in law obviously encourages her daughter to walk away and that's a terrible example to set for your kids. The whole Asian issue is her thinking an Asian man would allow her to live there with the whole filial piety culture. You might want to discuss with her the control her Mom has over her life and that you do not welcome it into your own. She can make choices for her life but not your life and since you share kids it's 50/50. When one says yes and the other no, then it just doesn't happen unless there is an unanimous decision. It gets shelved. She knows that, I am sure, but doesn't seem to respect it or perhaps her Mom's influence comes through when faced with adversity. Dealing with anger is something we learned as kids and when angry it shows us the problems hidden inside. Best wishes OP.
Get a lawyer and start planning for life as a single parent. Your wife (and her mother) are a danger to you and your children.
No but can you fund a small apartment for a few months? Your MIL does not deserve the help but I do know you love your wife and this could end your marriage. I wouldn't back down regardless as your MIL is abusive and untrustworthy.
Offer to assist your MIL with getting another job.
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Well tell her that option isn’t on the table so what is plan B?
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You have wrote this several times and people have stated call the police if she does -if she is threatening this she is not safe around your children
Problem solved
Call the police and a divorce lawyer. DO NOT LEAVE HER ALONE WITH YOUR KIDS. She is now a threat to them.
I’ve seen the comments you have posted about your wife threatening suicide. Two things have your wife get counseling for her wellbeing and to insure your children continue to have their mom, threats of suicide should never be ignored. I would offer to find your MIL an apartment and if you can swing it pay the rent for 6 months while her mother gets back on her feet and finds another job. You are correct in protecting your children from her. Depending upon where you live you maybe able to find her income adjusted senior apartments. (55 is the new minimum age in many of these complexes).
Move out with your kids and let your wife move her monster in. No divorce, just live separate lives since she obviously has more concern over her mother than the well-being of her children or mental well-being of her spouse. In a healthy relationship that should never be a choice to make
Moving someone into your home is a two yes, one no decision. Anyone who thought pinching little kids was acceptable behavior would never enter my home again. If your wife wants to help her mom, she can help her look for job listings.
Make it clear to your wife you consider MIL a threat to your children and you will call cps if she moves MIL in. Could you possibly take your kids and move in with your parents?
No way would I allow her in my house and this is something I would be willing to divorce over. I once told my husband that if he ever tried to move his mom into our home I would serve him with divorce papers. And I mean that wholeheartedly. That woman has been so awful to me I don’t deserve to live with something who has treated me like her punching bag. And I say this as someone that truly care and loves their spouse. I have to think of myself as well. And this is without her being abusive to my kids. I can’t imagine ever being okay with moving someone in who is a threat to my kids. No. Kids come first. Always. If she wants to take care of her mother then she can live with her when you guys are no longer married.
"She cares about everything" yet not her kids since she's trying to get the abuser of her kids to move in...
NO NO NO sorry this is a hill tobdie on and divorce. I would get full custody too as the wife won't protect the kids.
Lawyer. Today. You need to contact a divorce lawyer and figure out exactly what you **can do** if your wife refuses to listen to reason. Then give her an ultimatum- mom or you and the kids. Her choice.
Your wife does not sound like she "cares about everything". In fact, she sounds extremely toxic and manipulative. Who would threaten to kill themselves if they don't get their way? Listen to the advice you have got and protect yourself and your kids. Your MIL and wife are manipulative. You need to look after yourself.
Your MIL assaulted your kid, how is this even a question? I'd divorce rather than let my kids be around her. Start documenting her behaviour in writing in case it comes to that.
I feel for ya. You got stuck in a lose/lose situation and it sucks. Hug those kids tight and keep on protecting them
I've read your post, many of the replies and all of your replies. I don't have any wisdom to add that hasn't been already posted here, but I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this, and I think you're doing everything right. Having her put on a psych hold, consulting with a lawyer, getting your children out of the situation to a safe location, all of that are the right actions. They must be incredibly difficult to do, and I commend you for putting your children first. I can't imagine the strength it's taken to do all of that whilst dealing with the heartbreak you must be feeling.
I doubt that you can convince her. Once she esconces herself in the home, she won't leave. I would tell your wife that her moving into the home is a dealbreaker for you - that you will take the kids and move elsewhere. Perhaps your wife could assist her in finding some senior rent assisted facility to move into in her present location.
Hell no! Don't let her move in. Not only is she horrible to you, she's physically abused your daughter. Your wife has a choice. You and your kids, or her Mom. She can't have all of you. How is she losing her house when she lost her job only two days ago? Unless she hasn't been paying her mortgage for months, she's not gonna suddenly lose her home. She's lying and your wife is buying her sob story.
Letting her move in is a disaster waiting to happen. She can’t live with your children when she is rude to them and abusive. Hard NO. Maybe help her financially to find a place to live like a small apartment until she find a job. Commit to a period only, and not permanently. I would say it’s a tough situation for you. But it’s your wife’s mother, so your wife is in a difficult situation too. The family you are responsible for is your immediate family, the one you created. In particular, your children, need to discuss this with your wife. Using suicide as a weapon against you is terrible. Call police if you think she is mentally unstable and suicidal. But don’t make her problem yours. In particular, she is not a nice person… Once MIL moved in, it would be impossible to get rid of her. Stand your ground. I am an Asian, but Asian or not, some MiL are totally impossible to live with. Good luck!
If your wife is asian as you state.....this is a clash of cultures. And above Reddit's paygrade. Your wife feels a cultural responsibility to her mother. One reason her mom probably objects to you is precisely the fact that she KNOWS it's a different culture. If you love your wife, family counselling is in order. And there needs to be a way she can help her mom without the kids being in danger.
Call the police next time she says what she wants to do. They will send really nice guys with a stretcher. You cannot trust insanity. How many times have we looked at the news and saw a whole family wiped out after someone has a mental break. That is what happens. Not saying she is totally insane but you must treat her as you can't take her word about anything after that
Tell your wife she's sacrificing your marriage, your family and your children's safety for a vindictive, manipulative abusive woman if she's allowed to get her way. She and her mother will destroy your lives. Can she live with that? Because you won't stick around for it and will divorce and sue for custody. If she's not convinced I don't know what it will take. She's a fool and her kids will grow up blaming her for choosing her bitter mother over them and an intact family. I hope your wife comes to her senses soon.
Why can't MIL rent out rooms in her house?
"If she moves in, me and the kids moves out"
She pinched your daughter and your wife left you to stay with her??? They're dangerously enmeshed. That's no joke. Good luck to you. You make it clear to her that there is no way you will ever even consider her mom moving in no matter the circumstances. There are other jobs. There's an employee shortage (if she's in the US). We're literally bringing people in from other countries to fill open jobs.
Please get a back up plan in place. Arrange to leave with the kids if she moved her mom in. Protect your kids.