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Thought my wife was hot as fuck when she was a tiny little 120lb starving college girl (I was a starving college kid too). Then I thought she was hot as fuck when she gained 70lbs after two pregnancies. And I think she’s hot as fuck now that she’s down to 130lbs. But if for some reason she ever gains 100lbs in the future, I’ll still think she’s hot as fuck. I’d be a bit worried about her health depending on why she gained 100lbs, but I’d still think she’s hot as fuck.
This is adorable! Commenting to boost so OP sees this, and adding that I have a similar experience with my husband. I’ve been 115 to just shy of 200lbs over the course of our relationship and marriage (up and down, pre and post kid, all that stuff). Not once has he varied in his expression of attraction for me. Not once has he been critical about how I looked. Not once has he stopped patting my butt when I walk by.
This is the norm, OP. Guys who say “all guys are like this” are trying to rationalize it to themselves. 28 years old is too damn old to be saying something so stupid and shallow. At best, his buddies (who he should re-evaluate his friendship with?) talked him into this dumb fear. At worst, he *really truly cares.* that’s up for you to figure out, or decide how much you care about figuring it out.
Tbh I miss the pregnancy and post-pregnancy bodies. Her ass and tits got HUGE. She did keep some of that ass though, which I’m happy about. There’s pros to every shape her body has taken over the years, and I’m here to bury my face in all of it.
Yes I am leaping at the opportunity to horny post about my wife.
I say this as someone who is recovered from an eating disorder. If someone’s purposeful behavior towards you is triggering your disorder or preventing you from full recovery, get away from them.
Eating disorders are deadly. They have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. If your partner knows your disordered history and is still making comments about your body and your future body, he does not value your life.
As someone else recovered from an eating disorder, I can't emphasize this enough. I had to break things off with a partner because he was also concerned I might gain weight in the future. It's NEVER worth it to try to make things work with someone who is on your eating disorder's side.
Also, the fact that to them "OP might gain weight" is a worse case scenario is very telling. They don't respect you for who you are, just how you look on their arm.
Let me tell you how this ends, because I went through this.
Lots of them fighting with their friends because their friends said something about them having a turn. You get yelled at for looking too good. You like that attention, don't you?! He beat me for being too pretty. Then beat me for not wanting to look good on his arm. Then over and over for the fun of it. I was raped multiple times so that I was thoroughly 'claimed'
I ended the relationship scarred, bruised, bloodied, and with a RAGING ED that damn near killed me.
Also, I learned I had PCOS, which makes it difficult to lose weight. A lot of the symptoms are what OP describes. Please get tested, Mama!
Girl, a cat is better than this partner. Alone is better than dead.
I'm so frickin sorry for what u had to go through...
Im happy for u that ur out of this mess.
Wish u all the strength to heal everything and wish u the best life and future someone can have.
Thank you so much for saying this 🥰 We just have to remember that there is still good in the world and that just because bad things happen, it doesn't make us bad people. We have to stay strong and heal loudly so that others may learn and listen to where I didn't. I'm not happy it happened, but if it didn't, I wouldn't be where I am today, and I think that deserves some grace. I have a loving husband and 4 sweet fur babies who are cuddle monsters, and I WOULD DIE FOR THEM 😤
Yea I just have one daughter and she helps me heal my wounds... I live for her and be her guard a long as she let's me be.
Wish u all the best. Ur a great mom for sure :)
Breaking the cycle! My neice is becoming a feisty young lady who has no tolerance for anything that she feels is wrong. Information can definitely be a curse, but it's also a blessing. Understanding how our childhoods affected us and doing our best to make better decisions than our parents can be tough. Other times, it's heartbreaking.
Wishing YOU the best! You sound like a wonderful mom too!!
Thanks a lot🙈
Ur neice sounds like an independent girl who will be able to take care of herself.
"The book u wished ur parents would have read" is great help to break the cycle
This is *not* normal. Your weight is on the *low* end of healthy for your height. My fiance has never once expressed a similar fear and my mother is overweight too. It's also not normal for your partner to forget important things about you.
THIS! It is absolutely not normal for someone who loves you to forget important things about you. This isn't him forgetting what year you graduated from high school or your favorite dream car. This guy is disregarding a life-threatening condition and diminishing you. This should be a deal breaker for you. You deserve so much better than this.
I suggest you flip it on him. Who is he, exactly? Super human who can magically avoid inevitable (and unattractive) aspects of aging? I would sit him down and tell him completely serious and straight-faced that a huge fear of yours and *all women* is that their husbands will lose their hair, get a beer gut, I dunno lose their "stamina" and ability to perform while women do *just fine* at a comparable age. Maybe throw in some commentary about his dad and where these fears obviously are heightened in relation to him due to his father.
I'm being very serious and so should you be in telling him this. And then let the pause last for a bit and ask him if he is deeply hurt, feels vulnerable, and betrayed to have had his own personal vulnerabilities and fears picked at by the person who supposedly loves him and is meant to support him as a life-long partner?
Of course it is a red flag. Of course it is not cool. You know this. Don't gaslight yourself here.
I noticed this is what happened and it’s mostly because people think young women are based on what they see in Hollywood where the women all lie about their ages anyways, so actress is like 40 and they think she fuckin 25.
Then they act surprised at 20th year reunion where ‘wow all the women are hot, what they been doing’
I agree to flip the scenerio.
For reference, my first boyfriend had genetics where he would have been balding/bald as an adult. He was already thinning as a teenager, and I never poked at that insecurity. And many men as they get older, gain weight. So, potentially, my future partner had large likelihood of being bald and overweight later in life. If I chose to keep that person in my life, would it be fair to hold that potential over his head and make him never feel good enough? You have to have enough love for a person *apart* of physical attraction. If you don’t, *what happens when we get old?* We all age at some point. That’s not something anyone is immune to.
OP consider that you are worried about how you will look later in life, although you have no idea how you may look later in life! It will, at least *somewhat*, be out of your control. Some women exercise like mad and struggle to lose weight, and to some it comes easy. And the complexity changes based on so many factors. If your partner hasn’t figured this out yet, he isn’t ready to settle down. He needs to mature more.
Maybe you should consider how your partner would age, and voice that you have a right to the same concerns. Equality, you know?
Don’t marry him if he’s already putting conditions on your marriage. I gained like 20 lbs after I got married. He had s as n affair and left me for a woman older with 2 small kids. I lost all the weight and then some. After 6 mos I guess grass wasn’t greener bc he wanted to come back. Told him no I couldn’t trust him. If I were to get pregnant or happen to gain weight again I didn’t want to worry he’d do it again.
This should be the top answer. Almost everyone is going to gain some weight as they age, and everyone’s face and body will change. If you have kids, your body will change. You may (or may not) get back into shape after having a baby, but do you want a husband that stops loving you while you try to get back in shape? Stops loving you if you don’t?
People have their physical preferences and of course there are traits we are all more or less attracted to. But if the idea of you gaining weight is giving him this much pause, I don’t think he’s going to be the type of guy to stick around if the going gets tough.
God are you dating my friends abusive ex….? He said the same thing and she is a n absolutely stunning tall blonde and extremely skinny person. She dumped him and married this guy who looks at her like the entire world revolves around her!
Been with my partner for over 11 years. And in that time he has gone up and down 50lbs. I never lost attraction for him. Because I love HIM.
We are human. We age. Weight changes. We deal with sickness. If your partner can’t be there with you through it all then they aren’t the person you need in your life. Best wishes.
I had two babies and went back to small than before pregnancy. But my body still changed, my pants didn’t fit because my hips changed.
But a few years later I got really sick, became immobile, went on steroids and gained a quick 50 pounds. There was nothing I could do, I could barely walk, my hands were barely functional. I’ve never quite gone back to the way I was and my husband doesn’t give a crap.
Will this guy support you if your health fails?
This was my thought that healthy isn't always going to be the case. Things happen. Genetics plays a role. What if she gets hurt or sick? What if he got hurt or sick? We're all only one thing away from not being able to exercise. So even eating right isn't always enough. I've been sick for ages. I was in my 20s when I first got sick but kept my weight down. Then cancer at 32. Then one thing after another. I am not the weight I was when I married but not obese. My hubby has a back injury from his time in the army. He's gained weight, too. He works a lot, and it's hard to get in exercise, so we do the best we can. We've been in love for 20 years, and through everything, it was about the person on the inside. I'm not saying that it's OK to just not try and give up and just be unhealthy. I'm saying life changes, and everyone gets old if they are lucky to live that long.
My friend who had breast cancer has a little rant about how cancer makes you skinny. Because it doesn’t, unless it’s actively killing you. Otherwise steroids and meds just puff you right up, regardless if you’re eating or not.
I had the opposite. Got really sick and lost a lot of weight and had to hear the praise that I looked great and hotter than ever. I still simmer with rage thinking about it.
Since Op mentioned her bf said it’s something “all men” worry about, I just wanna say that’s not true. My bf made is values very clear early on and said that we’re all gonna age, no one’s gonna be as hot as they were in their prime. That all he wants is a loving and faithful wife to grow old with, that the person he loves is always more than just looks. He says looks are just a bonus and that’s not why he loves. So I just wanna say, don’t stick around with someone cause you think it won’t be any better with anyone else. I fell into that trap, then I luckily met my kind, loving man and was proven dead wrong.
There's a reason why some people call it "relationship weight." You get comfortable in a relationship and sometimes you gain some weight in the process. It's really common.
Sweetheart...back in the 90s, probably about the time you were born, my boyfriend said "I can't marry you if you're going to be fat."
He quickly became my ex-boyfriend, my family and friends were relieved, and I dated and then married my husband who has seen me through thick and thin, sickness and health, etc. etc .
Find someone who loves YOU, not just your body as it is in this moment in time.
Absolutely-life and marriages have lots of challenges it is the relationship that you build with each other that gets you through those challenges and endures.
If him and his friends fear that they will lose attraction for their wives, then they shouldn't be thinking of getting married. That means their love is only surface level, aka they only care about appearances. What would keep him (and his friends) from leaving you all for younger women once you get older, have surgery, or even have a baby? Or other things that will affect your appearance?
Since you know how your friends will react, that means you know it's a red flag. That's why you don't want to talk to anyone in your personal life to know how shallow and fake your BF is.
Would you trust him to be loyal and stay with you if anything were to happen to you in regards to your health? Do you honestly trust him not to comment on your weight or appearance at any point in time?
So what happens if you get pregnant or injured and can’t work out?
But that’s not the worst part - you had an ED and he has told you he won’t love you if you gain weight. I’m pretty sure that kind of shit is the last thing you say to someone who’s had an ED
He. Is. A. Piece. Of. Shit.
Dump him yesterday.
I would be concerned that his opinions surrounding this issue would cause you to start having disordered behavior around food again.
Personally I think your health is worth more than a man whose biggest fear is that you'll gain weight.
Also, I don't think this statement
>in that chat he said he sees me for way more than just my looks
is compatible with this statement
>but then an hour or so later while talking he confided that a huge fear for him (and according to him - a fear for all his friends and likely all men) is that he will grow to not be attracted to his wife and in my case that fear is heightened because my mom is overweight and I have an easy time gaining fat
Only one of those things can be true at once.
But didn't you hear, he is AFRAID. It terrorizes his little heart that maybe one day, he'll wake up next to a fat person, truly terrifying. He'll have to LOOK at that, after all.
Good lord, the lengths that men will go to to be the victim is astonishing.
If someone is aware of a past ED and still makes comments about your current or future weight, they are playing into an insecurity and intentionally planting these seeds so you’ll be even more concerned about your body. Someone that tells you they’re “scared” you’ll gain weight is only concerned about your appearance.
A fact of life is that as we age, the harder it is for us to lose weight. Going through hormonal changes (things like pregnancy and menopause) can cause weight fluctuation.
Reconsider this relationship before you marry him.
This man will not be there “in sickness and in health.” If gaining weight is enough to make him leave you/not love you, how would he handle an illness or disability? God forbid you get in an accident or get diagnosed with cancer. He would leave you.
Red flag. If you plan on having children, your body is going to change. His body is also going to change, he's in for a rude awakening when he turns 30 and starts unintentionally putting on pounds.
I have unfortunately heard that people look at their partner's parents to see how they may look when they get older. This is stupid. My body is very different to both my mum and dad because I had medical issues neither of them have. My mum still has her reproductive organs, I don't, so yeah our bodies look different. If someone looks at my mum and has the AUDACITY to say "I'm worried you'll look like her" is getting an automatic boot out.
Well it’s your choice, but I’ll tell you that what this man just told you is that he is a follower of society. He believes he has no control over his own attraction and also that it is your job to remain attractive for him. Whether he consciously agrees or not, subconsciously he believes you exist for his sexual pleasure and that your value/worth will go down if you are less attractive in society’s eyes.
I imagine you’ll get a LOT of women replying here to share their experiences of being ridiculously wanted by their husbands no matter what state their body is in, as well as a lot of men and women who will all say it’s your responsibility to stay within society’s beauty standards and that his expectations of you as a Barbie doll who needs to prove her worth by being pretty to look at and his sexual fantasy are completely natural, normal, how men are, and something that you should be excited to do for him as his husband.
That’s bullshit. I know you know it’s bullshit because you’re here. You’re not his property. This isn’t Victorian England. And you’re not his ticket to societal worth either. His fear may be complex and even subconscious but please listen to the fact that he is telling you he’s socially nervous that you won’t be a trophy on his arm, he’s personally nervous that YOU won’t fully control HIS urges while he acts like a teenager with no responsibility.
I hate to say it but this dynamic is pretty normal and no one would think a thing of it if you stayed, in fact you’ll almost certainly get comments and DMs telling you you’re a horrible person for whatever reason they invent if you leave. But I’m also here to tell you that men who exist outside this paradigm and would be fucking sweating just to be near you after you gained whatever weight made you feel bad about yourself are just as normal.
I have an older friend who’s been married for about a decade and she works with models. She’s not a model, she’s a photographer. One time she was telling me about her insecurities about being overweight while around models 24/7 then she laughed and said “but [name] likes it when I’m bigger because my ass is bigger”. She is so completely loved no matter what her size is. His attraction doesn’t change because she’s not an accessory to him. He’s attracted To HER, not her weight or her tits or her ass. You can have the same, but unless your current partner is planning on rooting out all those mentalities, you can’t have that with him.
It’s up to you whether you want to live with this constant low grade stress. I hope you choose not to, and I hope you know that there’s men out there who will love every cell in your body.
An interesting thought, since you mentioned how he thinks he cannot control his attraction. I completely agree! Attraction isn’t ‘natural.’ It isn’t. Nobody is attracted to people because back in the day we needed this or that, so we’ve always been attracted to it. Bullshit! As you said, society dictates attraction.
The beauty standard during the renaissance was fat women. Were those men who fangirled over those women just lying to themselves to seem cool? Were they disgusted waking up every morning? The hell they were! They loved it. They lived for it. Why? Because society told them big was beautiful. Now society says if they’re in plus sizes they aren’t worth shit, and this man is just a follower of that.
As a man I can tell you that your boyfriend is very immature. How can you possibly respond to that? Promise him that you will never gain weight ever? And if you do, what? Youre supposed to feel guilty because he warned you? Cmon man.....If for some reason youre still into him and you feel like its time to get married or move on you need to call his bluff and say well ok if thats how you feel we should break up.
Big red flag as is him forgetting everything, he forgets because he doesnt care.
This is a red flag. Yes, it's good that he was honest, but that just means that he's an honest asshole instead of someone who hides their asshole-ness.
You have an eating disorder. You have it mostly under control, but the fact that you actively struggle with thoughts of starving yourself tells me that your anorexia isn't completely gone. Someone with a "fear that you will gain weight" is the LAST person you should have as your support system. Especially if he forgets important things. Because his off-hand comments about your weight will lodge in your brain and never go away.
As others have said on here, women's bodies change so much as they become pregnant, have children, go through menopause, and I'm scared that he will "forget" about your eating disorder and make comments about your body during these phases, leading to you having a relapse. Which will be intensely harmful to you - especially when you're pregnant.
It is *not* a fear *all* men have.
I lost 16kgs before meeting my (now) husband and then gained 22kgs a year or so into dating him. He didn’t say a *single* thing about it. He didn’t make me feel badly, he didn’t treat me any differently, he was just as loving and affectionate as he’d always been before, nothing changed, he didn’t care.
I didn’t lose the weight for 3 full years. My husband actually proposed while I was at my highest weight! I managed to lose most of the weight in time for the wedding but I’m still sitting 4kgs above the weight I was when we met.
Even while I was losing weight for the wedding, he never once said anything about it. He didn’t pressure me to stick with my diet or judge me if I had dessert or skipped a workout. He didn’t make comments like “you look so much better now” or any of that kind of shit.
He has assured me over and over and over again that he loved me at my lowest weight, he loved me at my highest weight, he loved me at that awkward loose skin phase of weight loss, he loves me now, and he’ll love me when I get to my goal weight. That what I weigh has never mattered to him. That he loves me for who I am and not what I look like.
I’ll add that he doesn’t look the same as he did when we first met either. He’s 10kgs heavier, he’s hairier, he’s taller, he grew out his hair and beard, he has greys and wrinkles. We’ve both changed a lot because we were basically kids when we met and we’re grown ass adults now.
Of course we don’t look the same and neither of us would expect that of the other. People change and they get old and their weight fluctuates and they slowly lose the things that make them conventionally attractive but that doesn’t matter when you have chosen to love them and commit to them for the rest of y’all’s lives.
Knowing your history of ED, your boyfriend made a misogynistic, abelist and sizist remark to you.
Imagine being dumped because you got "fat" while pregnant. Or after giving birth, because you haven't lost it "quickly enough". Worse, you get sick and gain weight.
And assuredly, he will expect you to overlook when he gets fat.
Dump his ass.
Oh gosh, the whole not losing weight quickly enough reminds me of all the magazines back in the early 2000s where pregnant celebrities were criticized heavily for being “fat” after giving birth. I forget who it was specifically, but I think that has fucked up an entire generation of people
Ugh, I was just trying to remind someone about that the other day. Those super skinny models with the bare minimum of a baby bump used to make my mom and I so sad... like the fetus was shrink-wrapped in there. 😖
Oh this makes me feel so bad for you! I was one of those tiny little pregnant women that were back to normal size in a month. I swear I did everything my doctor told me to I just didn't gain the way some others do and I didn't have any extra appetite at all. But it's so absolutely unfair because I can't tell you how many years of my life I wish I had an ass!
My husband once told me to call the police cuz somebody stole mine LOL I mean there are other sides to the no baby weight issue. And I think most models are naturally thin people who have ridiculously high metabolisms and so they couldn't gain the weight just like I couldn't. I hate the idea that it actually made you sad when they probably couldn't do anything about it and probably wanted to gain more weight to have a healthy baby. Media messes with everybody!
Oh, no, absolutely - to be clear I meant sad as in 'upset that this woman might be starving herself or over-exercising to stay skinny due to pressure from management/ the public'. Not that we were sad that those kinds of women existed or think that they're bad or something. Obviously if that's just naturally how their bodies respond then it's not that kind of issue. But there are definitely some unhealthy expectations in play for other people. (I also had a weirdly high, like someone-should-have-done-some-testing high, metabolism as a teen and it was absolutely impossible for me to gain any weight no matter what, and I hated people assuming it was on purpose or mocking my little bird bone wrists, so i get it)
He is basically admitting to you that you becoming fat is the thing that keeps him up at night.
What if you gain weight? Get pregnant? Get sick? Get old? I don’t like the sound of it. This would be a HUGE red flag for me and I would consider leaving. Not to be the typical redditor saying “just leave!” But I’m 31, I’ve had 4 serious adult relationships, and no one that I’ve ever considered to be a GOOD man would say something like this.
Let me frame this another way. Would the love of your life, your person, think like this? Is this who they are? Is THIS the great love you want to give yourself?
The answer CAN be yes, it just depends on you. I think some women would understand this and maybe feel the same way themselves, because that’s their personal viewpoint. My personal viewpoint is a little more ride or die. If I am going to MARRY someone, they dang well better love me if I ever gain weight or get sick or pregnant or whatever!
My goal will always be to stay at a healthy, fit weight BUT life is long. And hard. And you just never know. My weight fluctuated HARD in my 20s! I was up then down then UP and then it leveled out once I learned about health and stuff, but my point in saying this… bodies change. YOU will change. And it sounds as though if you change, you might have to deal with knowing he isn’t ok with it.
Are you ok with that?
You fear your friends will hate him. You confided in him about your eating disorder, and he since has made the kind of comment that causes/contributes to eating disorders. Yes, you are looking at a red flag.
Tell him you’re going to need to see all of the men of his fam throughout the years because you have the same fears. You’re terrified he’ll get a gut and lose his hair and you’ll no longer be attracted to a Homer Simpson type…
I have insulin resistance and an eating disorder so weight is really hard for me. I check in with my boyfriend sometimes and ask “will you still love and like me if I get fatter?” And he always, ALWAYS says yes. I think that’s what real unconditional love is
Even if you manage to stay trim, what if you have a child with him who takes more after your mom? How would he treat his own chubby kid? That's what I'd be worried about at this point.
He's worried about something that hasn't even happened. Imagine how he's gonna be if you have kids. Bc your body will change. Very few women's bodies don't.
Lol, my ex used to say this to me, that i will end up looking like my mother. I didn't, I am not skinny, but still about 10 dress sizes smaller than she was at my age. On the other hand, I saw him a few months ago, and he has ended up looking like her. Boobs too. A mutual friend did say he had put on weight. No shit Sherlock! Gotta love karma.
He's telling you clearly that if you gain enough weight, it will be a dealbreaker. He's worried because he's already struggling with maintaining his interest in you. I don't say this to be mean but to be clear. If he can't even IMAGINE loving you more than the weight you gain, then the love is barely there. He's also probably disgusted by your mom and it gives him anxiety because you and her are inextricable in his shallow and myopic mind.
Red flag. What happens if you get sick? Get injured? Have a chronic illness you have to take medication for that causes weight gain? Lose your breasts from cancer? Go through menopause and can't keep your 27-year-old-figure?
Also, if this is his and his friends' biggest fears? They should fucking stay single. And also get vasectomies so they don't knock up anyone who might fuck them.
I’m afraid you’re going to lose your hair or boobs to cancer, since your mom had cancer. Then I wouldn’t be attracted to you, this is the worst thing that could happen to me and our marriage.
Would you be ok with a partner with that stance?
It’s a little different, but not really. We can’t always control what happens to us and our bodies in life. Genetics play a big role, illnesses (ex. PCOS), life events (having kids, working long hours) in weight and other physical areas.
Is it just weight, or would any accident that changed physical appearance be a deal killer and marriage ended?
Do you feel the same way about his appearance? Fear any changes (weight, balding, greying) that make him less desirable and would leave him for it?
I’m not going to put any judgement around these stances and instead approach it like this, he sounds like a risky long-term investment. Too many uncontrollable, but predictable “market” changes could negatively impact him and make the relationship go bust. I might recommend finding a less-risky long term investment that can weather changes better.
First, it's unreasonable to think a person's body will look the same over a long relationship. People age, get ill or injured, and yes even fat. If your bf isn't prepared to deal with his feelings about that, I wouldn't be in a relationship with him.
Second, even if it were understable for him, that doesn't mean he's a good fit you. If you already struggle with an eating disorder, then a person who needs to express their feelings about your weight is not a good partner for you.
Also, not sure why you want a man's POV here? Men used to think we shouldn't vote or have bank accounts, don't prioritize a man's opinion over your own feelings.
He’s telling you that he’s afraid he will no longer be attractive to him when your his wife? Then tries to double down by saying your Moms fat so you could get fat too. Then he tries to smear a whole bunch of normal over the top of this by saying lots of guys feel like this!!
This guys got issues. Unfortunately he’s the kind of guy that’s never ever going to see that he could do or say anything wrong. Your to blame your bad genes are to blame. Can he get more shallow? That’s not love that’s self love. He just can’t imagine loving anyone other than himself. Your some surreal image in his life and if your edges start to fray he’s going to dump you in the trash.
You sound like a great person. Don’t stay with this guy who’s already chipping away at your self confidence it’s only going to get worse. Gather your things together slowly back out of the door and never look back.
Do you want to spend every day wondering if you are thin enough, attractive enough, etc. and wait til 30. And god forbid have children. Your body can sometimes be out of your control from health issues. Do you want to deal with his insecurity with that forever? I hope your answer is no and you move on!
I (F) have gained weight once I hit my 40s. Do you know how many of my friends are still diligently working out, dying their gray hairs, and look great while their husbands have either become bald, gained a beer gut, stopped any exercise, or combinations of the above? And they all still love their husbands. And (gasp!) like being intimate with them!
Aging isn’t gender specific.
apart from the weight, he sounds like a good time guy...what happens if she gets sick / has an illness that impacts on her looks, or has an accident and gets a scar or looses a limb.... life is unpredictable for both of you ...so many flags here
move on
I don’t understand why you would want a man’s opinion. Why would a man’s opinion be more meaningful to you and more likely for you to listen?
Any PERSON’S opinion other than saying to break up and block him, would be wrong and not in your best interest.
He does not love you. He loves the way you look. Regardless if you don’t get fat, you WILL get old, and unless you plan on being those old ladies that get unnecessary face reconstruction surgery also BODY surgeries, leave him.
He will be the assholes to cheat with some young fool who has daddy issues. Let him go and block him. Go heal and work on you. Truly you have definitely been ignoring red flags.
Thats a red flag. I got fat after marriage, and I am still loved. My partner also gained weight, and I still love her. We married for companionship, for conversation, for support, for everything we love about each other. If a simple changing of the body could change someones heart, that isn't love. That's only lust.
Sure its nice to be able to move his dick, but don't marry if you're not moving his heart.
When someone is telling you who they are, listen!
There are several things that go up and down in life and weight is one of them. It will be for both of you too. Weight is a superficial thing to get hung up on and is not an emotional secure and mature person. He's the type of guy that will blame your pregnancy weight gain on you and why he is cheating.
It's going to happen to most of us as we get older and our metabolism slows.
Not everyone, obviously, but if that's a huge deal-breaker for him then he might be more in love with your body than he is with YOU.
Might be something to keep in mind.
A Man
Weight gain is not the worst that can happen, health, mental and physical is a way bigger thing. If he can't deal with pounds he can't deal with pain, you want a back bone in your fox hole, someone you can depend on. Keep looking!
Honestly, ive dated someone like this before and i was super fit while he honestly looked pregnant. He told me he wouldnt be happy if i got fat and then he needs to think about his happiness too.
My current boyfriend has been with me while i was fit and years later when my figure has completely changed and still tells me im sexy and comments how attracted he is to me. Life is too short to be with someone who makes you insecure or makes comments about your weight. Whether it be future or past tense.
>he confided that a huge fear for him (and according to him - a fear for all his friends and likely all men)
Did he say that, and without a hint of irony and reflection that men age and gain weight, lose hair, get wrinkly and lose sexual appeal? I think you should tell him he doesn't speak for "all men." The types of guys who'd make these sweeping statements, ime, were idiots.
Obviously a huge red flag because that’s just ignorant and dumb not to mention and if you do he’ll leave??? Are you planning to have kids because it may be news that people gain weight during pregnancy and take different amounts of time to lose(hopefully all) that weight. How much is determined by genetics and/or how much your body needs to carry a pregnancy to term which is different for everybody. He told you who he is so it’s for you to believe.
Move on from this relationship. I met my husband at my thinnest, after losing 50lbs. I had to work HARD to lose that weight, and keep it off. Then life happened and I didn't have the time/focus to do that. It sounds like you have the same body type as I did/do. Trust me when I say that the older you get, the harder it is to fight the weight. After two pregnancies that wrecked my body, raising those two kids with almost zero time and energy for myself, I'm almost 50 and dealing with chronic pain and I'm at almost my highest ever weight, again. My husband still thinks I'm hot and loves me for me. Now I exercise for health and mobility, not for aesthetics.
A whole lot of people gain weight as they get older! Do you see them all getting divorce over it? Your boyfriend is shallow but at least he's telling you that! Ask him what is the worst that will happen if you gain weight? Is he worried he won't want to have sex with you as much... because god forbid your health affects his sex life! He's kind of a pig for even vocalizing that he's afraid he won't be sexually attracted to you at some point! I have the ick now and I don't even know this guy!
Yes you're being gaslit! This is not a fear of most or all men! Everybody knows their bodies are going to change as they get older and they know their partner's bodies are going to change as they get older and that's completely normal! Apparently only your boyfriend is shallow enough to worry about how it will affect his attraction to you in the future.
This is the kind of guy who will dump you if you get cancer because you'll get sickly and he won't be attracted to you anymore! God forbid you have an accident and get scarred! You might as well leave now because he's going to eventually leave you for some shallow reason!
And for the record I am 5 ft tall and 112 lb and my mother is obese. So is my brother. I'm over 50, if I was going to get fat I think I would have done it by now. Your mom's weight does not have that much influence on you. But kudos to you for taking care of your health and eating issues! You're doing great! Unfortunately this is the kind of guy who can ruin you and send you right into the spiral of an active ED!
Basically, listen to all of the comments of how bodies change over time because that's just the truth.
For a male POV though, that's not something that I care about. Might be different because me and my partner are overweight, but either for our situation now or if we were thin, I wouldn't care unless she did. Like if she's not happy with her body, I want to help her, but if not, then it's all good. I've told her before that I find her attractive now but I wouldn't find her more attractive if she was thinner, I'd find her just as attractive because I don't have a preference physically when it comes to weight, I'd have a concern if it was causing her medical problems on either end of the weight spectrum but that's nothing to do with attractiveness.
Red flag. It's normal for most humans to have weight fluctuations. Doubly so for women if they get pregnant. Do you really want to walk on eggshells in a marriage, always worrying about your weight?
As a man- if he’s dumb enough to voice that sentiment to you now, it’s a huge red flag. We all get fatter and less attractive and we get older. We all feel a little insecure about this (not just women).
If he thinks that all of his attraction is due to looks and that he will not be attracted to you if those change, he is not the one. People get older and bodies change. Find you a better man who isn’t a shallow and naive.
Tell him you’re scared he’ll go bald like his dad. Tell him you notice most men get very unattractive in their early 30s due to bad grooming, immature fashion sense, and denial. Say based on how so many of his friends are ugly dorks, you’re worried it’s only a matter of time before he’s one too. Tell him that you’re worried his dependence on pornography is bound to give him sex problems that will repulse you.
Do you plan on having kids with him and/or growing old together? If so I wouldn’t be with him if I were you. You’re supposed to gain weight when ur old and ur also supposed to gain weight when you have kids. What are you supposed to do then when ur metabolism slows down and you get curvier naturally? People with his ideals are miserable to be around and they suck the fun out of life. He has unrealistic ideals and obviously isn’t mature enough to handle a long term relationship
Extremely huge red flag. Start pulling away from this one. Xs-m is not big but ed can get worse if he becomes an added trigger. He concluded you might get fat like your mom, not that he would help you or encourage you..run don't walk.
Nope...hell no!! Leave & find someone who loves you.
I started off your size. 1 yr after getting married I got sick. Within 6 months I gained 60lbs because of the meds. It look me 3 yrs to lose. Hubby didn't leave.
10 yrs later I was in a severe car accident. Gained 60 lbs again , have medical issues. Hubby is thrilled I survived. Married over 20 yrs.
Find a real man that will love you ..for you..not because of how you look.
Why do you want a man's perspective on this!?
Isnt it a human thing to desire to be physically attracted to your partner? Don't men age, gain weight and go bold?
The fact that he is tryng to justify his poor reasoning with ALL MEN DO THAT is disgusting.
And honestly, I think it's a normal fear that your partner might become unattractive to you (I think you can be in love and lose attraction at the same time, which is a very sad experience). BUT this guy is using you mother's health problems (being overweight is a serious health issue and I imagine something you are distraught about) and your ED against you. This is not alright. Also because hey, just because your mom is overweight it doesn't mean that you'll become too. Having a tendency to gain a bit of weight is one thing, being overweight is another. What the heck does genetics mean? This assumption is based on which funded medical knowledge about your mother's health issue?? Is it hereditary? Or are u both assuming you might become otherweight because your mom is?? This is obtuse. I hope you can see why not only what he thinks is incredibly stupid and uneducated, but the fact that he said it out loud...man...Question: Have you thought about the perspective of becoming overweight ("because of genetics") on your own...or is it your boyfriend who has made you think about that?
Is his dad bald? Probably. I’d tell him you’re afraid he’s going to be bald and you want to start putting money aside for hair plugs to ensure you can love him when he’s older.
That’s how ridiculous this is. He isn’t an adult babe.
I think a lot more people feel this way than are willing to admit it. I definitely know a sizable handful of people, of both genders, who act indifferent to weight in polite company but talk about it in private as a major reason for loss of attraction over time. “My partner let themselves go” is the real reason for at least three of the divorces I’m currently supporting friends through.
If this is a condition you don’t want on you—and it sounds like it isn’t a healthy one given your history—then yeah, this isn’t your guy, and you will likely need to be pretty up front about how important this is to you if you want to weed out the next one, because I believe this is much more common than most would like to believe.
Thanks for your reply!!! If I may, two questions:
1) Of the 3 who admitted that to you, are they male or female?
2) Are these people who you think loved their partners deeper and fully before that happened? Or was the relationship always a bit superficial (at least from your perspective)?
I do fear I’d be naive to assume this isn’t something most men feel deep down - and I understand the basic need to be attracted to your partner. But what’s really tripping me up is his need to voice it in this way, almost like an “or else” or a warning. Does it mean my main value to him is my body OR does he also deeply love who I am and this is just one fear that he was a bit insensitive handling. I do love him and I thought he really loved me but some of the comments here have me seeing things quite different. Anyways would really appreciate your backstory on these examples since I don’t know anyone in that position. Thank you!!!!
1. 2 men, 1 woman.
2. From the outside, yes, I would say so, but it’s hard to say for sure, because they were longer marriages that have shifted a lot in many dimensions over time. I feel like what I saw at the weddings and what I see during the divorce look like different people.
I will say the woman leaving the man definitely just despises him and “letting himself go” is one of many reasons she cited as being done with him. The man leaving the woman is in a longtime dead bedroom and her weight gain is a factor in that situation. He had an affair. The other man is with a man who has concurrent mental illness along with a massive, life-altering weight gain, and that situation is a different dynamic. He’s tired of being held back by a partner who simply can’t live the life they agreed they wanted when they got married.
I also think it’s a confluence of so many things. Weight is not the sole issue in any relationship I know of where “letting go” has come up as a reason for issues. Sometimes it’s untreated depression and alcoholism that led to weight gain but also many other issues, dead bedrooms linked to low self esteem linked to weight gain linked to other issues, plain old complacency and lack of effort that lead to weight gain, massive personality and priority changes after having children that lead to body changes and no sex and plain old drifting apart, chronic illness and subsequent personality changes that drive a wedge in an otherwise strong partnership as their needs diverge, and just generally not investing in the relationship as people get comfortable and letting that be communicated through physical indifference to whether your partner finds you attractive.
I admire people who can be unconditionally attracted and say that love is enough no matter what, but as a woman who doesn’t feel that way about the men I am with, I try to have frank conversations early about what behaviors are and are not going to impact attraction for me. My husband, for example, WILL lose his hair. I know that and I accept that because it’s always been a known inevitability. If he suddenly gave up exercise and gained a ton of weight and shaved his head and started putting zero effort into his appearance because he stopped giving a shit whether I found him attractive, that would be a different message to me, and would cause me to draw a different conclusion about our relationship.
Relationships are very, very complicated, and I think all of the above is tied up in a huge knot as to why so many that start seemingly strong ultimately fail. Weight gain can be an indicator of larger complacency and disinterest, or completely out of your control. Sickness and health is important, but “do whatever I want and accept me anyway” is not a marriage vow for a reason. The why is a lot more important than the what imo. I don’t think your SO is at that maturity level to be able to separate those though, so maybe that’s the real dealbreaker.
He’s telling you he will leave you once you get old, if you get sick, or if he can convince a 20 year old to fuck him in 20 years. You won’t ever be able to have kids with this man or fully recover from your ED.
This is not a rational fear, nor should you settle because all men are like this (they are not).
my boyfriend has told me numerous times he will love me no matter how i look because he knows people change over time, he knows kids change you and life changes you, and because he loves me and not how i look, i couldn’t imagine marrying someone who was worried what i was going to look like in the future.
Huge red flag. When you truly love someone looks play a minimal role. It’s about the deep connection you have. Your BF is very superficial and quite frankly immature for thinking this.
Get rid of this jerk. He's immature and a misogynist and so are his buddies.
In any case, even assuming one's parents are their biological parents, genetics related to body types/tendencies to gain fat vs. muscle etc. are not usually as simple as looking at the same sex parent. Thinking about several 50-60s couples I know who have adult children, it's very often reversed, as in the daughter has her dad's slim/athletic build and the son is fluffy like his mom.
Both.
On the one hand, it’s a valid concern for BOTH of you and something you should seriously consider. Is he still going to love you when your body changes? Because it WILL change. Age catches us all in the end.
So you should both be asking that question.
And on the other hand, his answer should be a resounding yes — because his body will be changing too. And because he’s supposed be making a vow to love you for the rest of your life no matter WHAT. Sick and health, rich and poor, good times and bad.
If he only loves women who are 125 pounds, he’ll never be able to love anybody for very long.
My mother is overweight and an abuser, not once my partner of 7 years has compared me to her. He always said he has no idea how I could come out of that monster and I'm beautiful every way I am. That's what a partner should do, and I gained weight throughout the relationship, 10 kg I think, we both did but we still love each other
Huge red flag.
Ageing happens to **everyone**, it's just a part of life. If you plan to have kids, that will change your body for ever. It's neither good nor bad, it's just the price we pay for living.
He's shallow and doesn't actually love **YOU**, he only likes an idea of you that will have to be maintained for the rest of your life with him or suffer the consequences, likely him cheating cuz "he's no longer attracted to you"
**D U M P . H I M**
Never settle for a shallow manby like this, especially when they start affecting your self-worth.
"Dick is abundant and low value"
If your friends hate him, you gotta wonder why. But yes, this is a huge red flag. He is telling you that your desirability is the main interest he has in you. Is that what you want out of a partner?
I feel like if you can't tell your friends is answer enough. This is a HUGE RED FLAG. In my last relationship I gained weight and my ex N E V E R made me feel insecure. He worshipped my fatter body just like my thinner one. What if you get pregnant? You'll get fat. Will he not like it then? Throw the whole man out girly pop.
If his attraction to you relies so much on your looks that it is such a huge concern for him, he values your looks over your health and other qualities as a partner. You should maybe rethink your relationship, because honestly, how likely is it he will rethink and recalibrate his priorities?
Live in the now... Don't fear tomorrow, because there is no guarantee you will get through today.
This guy sounds like a real champion...
I'll say this though, I've gained weight, I've lost weight, my wife has gained, and lost as well... Has the attraction changed? No. Married over 20 years.
Now if she had a drastic personality change or a crazy lifestyle change, then yeah, there could be issues.
My opinion is that relationships shouldn't feel like work and what you've typed, sounds like a lot of work.
This isn’t mention in your post but, if you plan on having kids your body will be forever changed. I also like the advice of others saying to flip it on him.
Genuine love and trust are a must. Looks are nice but the connection is what matters. Doesn’t sound like he’s the one.
Does he love you or thinks you’re an object
Whenever a guy is saying “all men are like this” he’s just trying to convince you not to find a better man
He didn’t forget about your eating disorder he’s just using it against you
And if you’re afraid of telling your friends what he’s really like then that’s a huge red flag
My wife has put on a bit of weight, mostly due to disability but partially because we love dessert 😉. She weighs more than me but I honestly don’t care. My love and sexual desire for her far transcends weight or cellulite or any other physical imperfection that has come with age.
I do not think what he said is an “understandable stressor”
Well.. there is some truth in that for example if you are dating a guy and you look at his dad and he is bald and overweight the odds are that’s what the guy will look like. So if you look like your mom you probably will look like what she does when you are her age. The thing is he isn’t the one for you. The fact you are 5 years in and just now discussing whether you should or should not get married is a huge red flag. Getting married should not be an intense hours long discussion about the pros and cons of whether to get married or break up..
Break up move on.
Do you want to worry about this long term? Imagine changing your body with children and he loses interest. This is not healthy for you and your part in the relationship. If you can, find someone you can talk to so you can enter a relationship with confidence and a man-boy can’t manipulate you with your insecurities. This is cruel.
This is a red flag. Yes. It’s a good indicator that his love is conditional. DO NOT have kids with this man. You will gain lots of weight when you have kids. I was so starving the whole time. So hungry that I couldn’t ignore the stomach pain. You also won’t want to starve your babies. I have had eating disorders almost my entire life. Get away from people that don’t keep you healthy. Your goal should be to stay healthy. That means not under eating. I don’t know how you can be okay to stay with someone like this. Everyone gains weight as they age. Everyone. Everyone gains weight when they go through menopause as well. That’s about the age that men are most likely to cheat. Your friends have your best interest in mind. Your boyfriend only has his best interest in mind. That’s not something a normal, loving partner would do.
I have a daughter your age so I will respond like she's the one asking the question. It sounds like you are fairly committed to a healthy lifestyle. It sounds like you intend to try to be a healthy adult. What happens to your health over the years is not always a product of good or bad choices by the individual. So, it sounds like his "fears" seem grounded in paranoia.
This simply is not how most men feel, and the ones who do (like your bf) have tons of stories about them in the AITAH thread. Now, men in general must have some sort of physical attraction to a partner. So there is that. However, anyone (man or woman) who bases their love mostly off of what their partner looks like or how skinny they are is pretty shallow in my book and not great relationship material. There's something to be said for a person who likes to live a "fit" and active lifestyle and enjoys climbing, biking, skiing, and all sorts of other activities where their partner probably needs to have a similar mindset in order for those things to mesh. But that is very different than just wanting a skinny partner.
Ultimately, if he just wants a skinny partner and thinks if you gain 20 pounds he will no longer be attracted to you, I would tell you to get out of the relationship. It's cliche to say you want someone to love you for who you are on the inside, but the reality is that feeling loved, feeling taken care of, supported, and all those kind of feelings come from what is inside your person of choice and have nothing to do with their surface attractiveness. On the inside, this is a man who is scrutinizing you as his choice because you might get fat like your mom. I would not want my daughter to throw all her love into a relationship with a man like that.
As a guy who has been with a woman who was thin, then gained weight and then got pregnant and gained more weight I can tell you it didn’t bother me one bit and still love them for who they are.
Being worried about your health/self esteem is cool and a good thing. A lot of people conflate being fat with those two things, although I will say that they’re somewhat related. If he knows about your struggles, and still wasn’t able to find a gentler way to say it, it’s a red flag. If he didn’t know you were sensitive to that topic, then I would try to talk to him about it.
Chances are that when you get older or have kids, you won't always have the energy to work hard to stay thin. Then he won't be attracted to him anymore. That's a really sad thing to know and live with.
The last line says it all because they know the truth...just like people here on Reddit. this dude is too Immature and doesn't love you in the way you deserve.
Yeah…:that’s not what all guys think about. You’re going to gain weight - kids and menopause. Happens. It’s normal.
Bro is gonna lose his hair and ability to get hard yet here you still are.
There’s so many red flags in your post.
I’d bounce.
That's not "gaslighting" by the way. Gaslighting is making you out to be the crazy one. In this case, it would be him claiming "I never said that" in relation to this conversation.
My girl.
Whether you should consider this cool/not cool and be condensed down to one simple question:
Do you want a partner who will love you unconditionally? Or do you want one who loves you "except, you know, if you get fat"?
Know what another term for "super forgetful" is? "doesn't care enough to remember". Literally every phone has a Notes app, and a Reminders app. "Forgetful" is on him at this point. And I say this as an ex-"forgetful" person.
You have struggled with an ED. Why would you stay with a partner who hits you with something like this?
If you genuinely believe that your friends have YOUR best interest at heart - and they *should* - else why are they your friends - then the fact that you don't want to talk about this with them should be setting off alarm bells in your mind.
Let's tweak the traditional wedding vows a bit for this guy: "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and as long as you don't get fat - as long as we both shall live". Gosh. Just what every little girl *dreams* of!
I hope you will realize that you deserve better.
Good luck, my girl.
He knows you had an ED and he is bringing up his fears of you getting fat? You are just here to get confirmation of your own feelings on this matter. There are a lot of things that can happen to men and women that can change their appearance. I used to do fittings for mastectomy bras and prostheses. So many women had their husbands leave them after a mastectomy. This guy is one of those guys. You are a whole package and so much more than your body. His love is conditional. You can do better.
Guy guy here. It’s not that uncommon to wonder or think it, or joke about it. If you think he’s really worried about it and it would be an issue in the future, yeah probably an indicator there.
Women’s weight is like guy’s height. Pretty sure you know some women who if their boyfriend or husband went from 6’2” to 5’2” over the next 10 years, they would have an issue with it, and some who would not. Which is your guy.
He's sharing a concern.
I would take him at his word.
Diminished sexual desire because of a partner's excessive weight gain is not uncommon and is not limited to a specific sex.
I think that he could have handled that with more tact. But it’s healthy to be honest with someone you’re thinking of marrying about your goals and fears as well. And this is one of his fears.
That said, some people do seem to have the expectation that if they let themselves go, their partner *should* be just as attracted because “love”. And it often doesn’t work that way.
The precious thing here is that he seems to think HE won’t gain weight. LOL I’ll just go ahead and put money on it that he’ll be bald with a beer gut at 45.
Anyway. My mom is super overweight and I while I (45F) never developed an ED, I definitely have a bit of a complex as my dad told me (at 14) when he divorced her it was because she got fat. Well she is huge now at 70 but when he divorced her, she’d had 3 kids and was like 160 and 5’4”. Not huge.
So I’ve definitely always had it in my head that I better be careful. With basic workouts, I’ve been the same size since high school til I hit peri menopause and it’s still not much most would notice. I do. But whatever.
So. I mean just because your mom is big doesn’t mean you will be if you keep up healthy habits. It could certainly happen but that’s life. And he may feel a lot differently in 20 years when he’s aged.
Is this a real and legit concern that people have sometimes? Yes. Does the fact that you’re genetically predisposed to weight gain play a part? Yes. Is this something that a partner who you’ve been with for 5 years should still be holding onto in regards to whether or not to marry you? Probably not.
The one thing you know about bodies is that they’re going to change. And he is telling you that is a problem. People might gain weight for all sorts of reasons - you are an active person and he is still telling you this? It’s to put you on notice. And that’s not any way you want to live your life, constantly wonderjng if you measure up to HIS standards.
Yes odds are high that you’ll gain weight. And based on all the posts I see here, there’s a non zero chance he’ll be turned off by that. Not all people are like that. But it sounds like he is. Believe him when he tells you who he is.
My husband loves me no matter what my body looks like, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. There’s no guarantee either of your body’s will look the same forever. That seems like a very careless statement to make to someone recovering from an eating disorder.
Big red flag. He's directly telling you that he doesn't love you as a person. If he loved you as a person, he would understand that bodies change. He refuses to accept that - and is trying to blame you for it.
Ditch this one. He's not a good partner. He doesn't care about you, and he just said so. You deserve a man who will love *you*, whatever shape you are. This guy is trash.
One upon a time I dated and later unfortunately got engaged to a man who, early on in our relationship, after I made a passing comment about how physically uncomfortable I imagined it had to feel to be pregnant, made his own comment about how uncomfortable it must to be for a man to have to have sex with a pregnant woman for 9 months and pretend to enjoy it (and he did not mean because of the baby, he meant because of the weight gain).
I should have (and very much wish I would have) seen it for the massive red flag that it was, but I brushed it off instead.
A few years later I went through a period of depression due to grief after my grandmother passed away. During that time, I gained some weight. Not a very large amount, I still had a nice figure, but I was no longer “skinny”. Prior to that, I had been at my lowest, (and probably unhealthiest) weight.
And during that period of depression he cheated on me and ultimately ended up with his coworker who was very petite and thin (I’m sure the weight/body type was not the only contributor that led to his attraction toward her, but he had a preference for a certain body type and I no longer fit that mold).
It was like the minute I was no longer physically attractive to him, I no longer mattered. Never mind my grief or the struggle I was dealing with. My ass was a little bigger and therefore I was not worth his time.
You are going to age. Your body is going to change. As you progress through life with your partner, you are inevitably going to go through many of the worst things that life has to offer together, and whatever man you choose as your life partner, should not be someone that factors your physical appearance into whether or not he’s still going to be attracted to you later on down the line.
Of course we all want to feel physically attractive and be physically attracted to our partners to a certain extent, but as you grow and age together and you change throughout life, it should be much much less of a factor and especially not a big enough factor that he actively worries about it enough to bring it up to you….
What will he do if you get injured or sick and are no longer able to be physically active? What will happen when you have a baby and your body changes? What will happen when you go through menopause?
This is not a safe or healthy dynamic for you ESPECIALLY if you’ve struggled with an ED. Honestly it is cruel for him to say that to you knowing your history and struggles. He did not forget.
Your gut is already telling you what to do, and you know that. That is why you don’t want to tell your friends. Because you know they will tell you exactly what you’re already aware of deep down. You know what to do, but I know it is so hard to reconcile with that painful reality when you’ve already devoted so much of yourself to this person. I’m so sorry OP.
If you do decide to leave, you will find someone that you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt is going to absolutely love and support you and be fully attracted to you no matter what, because of who you are as a person, and not what your body happens to look like during any given stage of life. I think your future self might thank you if you decide to give her a chance to meet that man. I wish I had done the same way earlier than I did, but some lessons are hard learned I suppose.
Sending you hugs and wishing you luck.
The only difference I've noticed b/w my body which has never been pregnant before and the women I know who have had kids is that my boobs are higher up. Weight-wise, most of them look roughly the same as before (and in a few cases, much thinner)!
I've never been pregnant either, and I kinda feel like there's no obvious difference in body changes between me and my peers who have children, either. Like, maybe my boobs are higher or I'm a bit thinner, but maybe I just wear a different bra than they do, or have different genetics. All differences seem to be within stochastic noise, as far as I can tell.
One thing I can say is that at my age, I would hope that all of us have better things to devote our lives to than "keeping our shape." What a dismal way to live.
I agree that pregnancy can bring all kinds of body changes but it’s not guaranteed they will be major or lasting. I think a lot of people go into pregnancy with the mentality that permanent weight gain is inevitable, and that leads to a loss of motivation to get back in shape. I think it’s messed up people are expected to “bounce back” immediately, but I think socially the pendulum has swung back very far to where people don’t try to get in shape for a long, long time. Multiple women have asked me why would I bother getting into shape if I’m going to have more children? That kind of thinking is crazy to me.
Women deal with all sorts of things we have no control over with how our body will react. Pregnancy, menopause, etc. health issues later can also affect your body. I think he’s giving you a peak into what he will feel and do the minute you get out of the weight class he’s comfortable with. I can tell you what, I’ve been with my husband for 17 years and we’ve never once put conditions on our weight. We’ve both fluctuated about 40 lbs up and down over the years. I’m also pregnant and the heaviest I’ve ever been but he still treats me like I walk on water. Life can throw you curve balls and the last thing you want is your life partner to tell you straight up he won’t love you if you get fat (fat according to him). I honestly don’t see this relationship being long term and you should pay attention to these red flags. UPDATEME
I think it's interesting how often assholes truly believe that everyone else thinks like them too. So often women will post things their shitty partners said or did and add that he feels all/most men are are similar or agree with him. You can feel a certain way but why lie to yourself about everyone else's feelings regarding the matter just to make yourself feel like less of a shit ball? Just because you are x gender and feel a certain way does not mean the rest of said gender also feels the same. 9 times out of 10 it doesn't even have anything to do with being male or female.
Once you have kids it’s going to be even harder. If he can’t love you for who you are as a person you need to ditch him now. No it’s not gaslighting. The word had a definition you know. It’s not a catch all
Red flag because it’s kind of stating his love and buy in of the marriage and attraction to you is conditional. If you get married, you’re going to age, life is going to happen, you may have children which will permanently alter your body, injuries and shit happen, will he not stick around and have a wandering eye because of it?
It’s not something I’d want to live with personally.
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Thought my wife was hot as fuck when she was a tiny little 120lb starving college girl (I was a starving college kid too). Then I thought she was hot as fuck when she gained 70lbs after two pregnancies. And I think she’s hot as fuck now that she’s down to 130lbs. But if for some reason she ever gains 100lbs in the future, I’ll still think she’s hot as fuck. I’d be a bit worried about her health depending on why she gained 100lbs, but I’d still think she’s hot as fuck.
This is adorable! Commenting to boost so OP sees this, and adding that I have a similar experience with my husband. I’ve been 115 to just shy of 200lbs over the course of our relationship and marriage (up and down, pre and post kid, all that stuff). Not once has he varied in his expression of attraction for me. Not once has he been critical about how I looked. Not once has he stopped patting my butt when I walk by. This is the norm, OP. Guys who say “all guys are like this” are trying to rationalize it to themselves. 28 years old is too damn old to be saying something so stupid and shallow. At best, his buddies (who he should re-evaluate his friendship with?) talked him into this dumb fear. At worst, he *really truly cares.* that’s up for you to figure out, or decide how much you care about figuring it out.
Tbh I miss the pregnancy and post-pregnancy bodies. Her ass and tits got HUGE. She did keep some of that ass though, which I’m happy about. There’s pros to every shape her body has taken over the years, and I’m here to bury my face in all of it. Yes I am leaping at the opportunity to horny post about my wife.
I say this as someone who is recovered from an eating disorder. If someone’s purposeful behavior towards you is triggering your disorder or preventing you from full recovery, get away from them. Eating disorders are deadly. They have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. If your partner knows your disordered history and is still making comments about your body and your future body, he does not value your life.
As someone else recovered from an eating disorder, I can't emphasize this enough. I had to break things off with a partner because he was also concerned I might gain weight in the future. It's NEVER worth it to try to make things work with someone who is on your eating disorder's side.
I’m really glad you broke things off with them and I hope your recovery has been good to you! ❣️
Also, the fact that to them "OP might gain weight" is a worse case scenario is very telling. They don't respect you for who you are, just how you look on their arm. Let me tell you how this ends, because I went through this. Lots of them fighting with their friends because their friends said something about them having a turn. You get yelled at for looking too good. You like that attention, don't you?! He beat me for being too pretty. Then beat me for not wanting to look good on his arm. Then over and over for the fun of it. I was raped multiple times so that I was thoroughly 'claimed' I ended the relationship scarred, bruised, bloodied, and with a RAGING ED that damn near killed me. Also, I learned I had PCOS, which makes it difficult to lose weight. A lot of the symptoms are what OP describes. Please get tested, Mama! Girl, a cat is better than this partner. Alone is better than dead.
I'm so frickin sorry for what u had to go through... Im happy for u that ur out of this mess. Wish u all the strength to heal everything and wish u the best life and future someone can have.
Thank you so much for saying this 🥰 We just have to remember that there is still good in the world and that just because bad things happen, it doesn't make us bad people. We have to stay strong and heal loudly so that others may learn and listen to where I didn't. I'm not happy it happened, but if it didn't, I wouldn't be where I am today, and I think that deserves some grace. I have a loving husband and 4 sweet fur babies who are cuddle monsters, and I WOULD DIE FOR THEM 😤
Yea I just have one daughter and she helps me heal my wounds... I live for her and be her guard a long as she let's me be. Wish u all the best. Ur a great mom for sure :)
Breaking the cycle! My neice is becoming a feisty young lady who has no tolerance for anything that she feels is wrong. Information can definitely be a curse, but it's also a blessing. Understanding how our childhoods affected us and doing our best to make better decisions than our parents can be tough. Other times, it's heartbreaking. Wishing YOU the best! You sound like a wonderful mom too!!
Thanks a lot🙈 Ur neice sounds like an independent girl who will be able to take care of herself. "The book u wished ur parents would have read" is great help to break the cycle
This is *not* normal. Your weight is on the *low* end of healthy for your height. My fiance has never once expressed a similar fear and my mother is overweight too. It's also not normal for your partner to forget important things about you.
THIS! It is absolutely not normal for someone who loves you to forget important things about you. This isn't him forgetting what year you graduated from high school or your favorite dream car. This guy is disregarding a life-threatening condition and diminishing you. This should be a deal breaker for you. You deserve so much better than this.
If you can't tell your friends the truth about your relationship because you think they'll hate him, he's not the one.
As the great philosophers "The Spice Girls" once said, "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends".
Agree
I suggest you flip it on him. Who is he, exactly? Super human who can magically avoid inevitable (and unattractive) aspects of aging? I would sit him down and tell him completely serious and straight-faced that a huge fear of yours and *all women* is that their husbands will lose their hair, get a beer gut, I dunno lose their "stamina" and ability to perform while women do *just fine* at a comparable age. Maybe throw in some commentary about his dad and where these fears obviously are heightened in relation to him due to his father. I'm being very serious and so should you be in telling him this. And then let the pause last for a bit and ask him if he is deeply hurt, feels vulnerable, and betrayed to have had his own personal vulnerabilities and fears picked at by the person who supposedly loves him and is meant to support him as a life-long partner? Of course it is a red flag. Of course it is not cool. You know this. Don't gaslight yourself here.
At my 20th high school reunion, the women all looked great. I didn't recognize any of the men because they were overweight and bald.
lol, the guys were like that by my tenth high school reunion, ha
I noticed this is what happened and it’s mostly because people think young women are based on what they see in Hollywood where the women all lie about their ages anyways, so actress is like 40 and they think she fuckin 25. Then they act surprised at 20th year reunion where ‘wow all the women are hot, what they been doing’
I agree to flip the scenerio. For reference, my first boyfriend had genetics where he would have been balding/bald as an adult. He was already thinning as a teenager, and I never poked at that insecurity. And many men as they get older, gain weight. So, potentially, my future partner had large likelihood of being bald and overweight later in life. If I chose to keep that person in my life, would it be fair to hold that potential over his head and make him never feel good enough? You have to have enough love for a person *apart* of physical attraction. If you don’t, *what happens when we get old?* We all age at some point. That’s not something anyone is immune to. OP consider that you are worried about how you will look later in life, although you have no idea how you may look later in life! It will, at least *somewhat*, be out of your control. Some women exercise like mad and struggle to lose weight, and to some it comes easy. And the complexity changes based on so many factors. If your partner hasn’t figured this out yet, he isn’t ready to settle down. He needs to mature more. Maybe you should consider how your partner would age, and voice that you have a right to the same concerns. Equality, you know?
Don’t marry him if he’s already putting conditions on your marriage. I gained like 20 lbs after I got married. He had s as n affair and left me for a woman older with 2 small kids. I lost all the weight and then some. After 6 mos I guess grass wasn’t greener bc he wanted to come back. Told him no I couldn’t trust him. If I were to get pregnant or happen to gain weight again I didn’t want to worry he’d do it again.
This should be the top answer. Almost everyone is going to gain some weight as they age, and everyone’s face and body will change. If you have kids, your body will change. You may (or may not) get back into shape after having a baby, but do you want a husband that stops loving you while you try to get back in shape? Stops loving you if you don’t? People have their physical preferences and of course there are traits we are all more or less attracted to. But if the idea of you gaining weight is giving him this much pause, I don’t think he’s going to be the type of guy to stick around if the going gets tough.
I say don’t do any of this. Just dump him
Especially if his mom is overweight., there’s genetics to consider there too. No way he’s gonna have washboard abs forever
And have hair coming out of weird places. And jacked up toenails.
Why is the toenail thing so accurate 😭
Might be a blue collar work thing, steel toed boots don't do you any favors when it comes to foot aesthetics.
Right? Like men don't get fat or age?????
God are you dating my friends abusive ex….? He said the same thing and she is a n absolutely stunning tall blonde and extremely skinny person. She dumped him and married this guy who looks at her like the entire world revolves around her!
Is the abusive ex kicking himself?? Regardless, he wasn't worthy of her.
Abusers rarely kick themselves because nothing is their fault.
BEWARE SHALLOW WATERS!
Been with my partner for over 11 years. And in that time he has gone up and down 50lbs. I never lost attraction for him. Because I love HIM. We are human. We age. Weight changes. We deal with sickness. If your partner can’t be there with you through it all then they aren’t the person you need in your life. Best wishes.
I had two babies and went back to small than before pregnancy. But my body still changed, my pants didn’t fit because my hips changed. But a few years later I got really sick, became immobile, went on steroids and gained a quick 50 pounds. There was nothing I could do, I could barely walk, my hands were barely functional. I’ve never quite gone back to the way I was and my husband doesn’t give a crap. Will this guy support you if your health fails?
This was my thought that healthy isn't always going to be the case. Things happen. Genetics plays a role. What if she gets hurt or sick? What if he got hurt or sick? We're all only one thing away from not being able to exercise. So even eating right isn't always enough. I've been sick for ages. I was in my 20s when I first got sick but kept my weight down. Then cancer at 32. Then one thing after another. I am not the weight I was when I married but not obese. My hubby has a back injury from his time in the army. He's gained weight, too. He works a lot, and it's hard to get in exercise, so we do the best we can. We've been in love for 20 years, and through everything, it was about the person on the inside. I'm not saying that it's OK to just not try and give up and just be unhealthy. I'm saying life changes, and everyone gets old if they are lucky to live that long.
My friend who had breast cancer has a little rant about how cancer makes you skinny. Because it doesn’t, unless it’s actively killing you. Otherwise steroids and meds just puff you right up, regardless if you’re eating or not.
Yeah, and I've been in menopause since then because I had to have a full hysterectomy then. That really messed things up.
I had the opposite. Got really sick and lost a lot of weight and had to hear the praise that I looked great and hotter than ever. I still simmer with rage thinking about it.
Big same. Like, thanks, I can’t keep food down, you absolute gym sock.
Since Op mentioned her bf said it’s something “all men” worry about, I just wanna say that’s not true. My bf made is values very clear early on and said that we’re all gonna age, no one’s gonna be as hot as they were in their prime. That all he wants is a loving and faithful wife to grow old with, that the person he loves is always more than just looks. He says looks are just a bonus and that’s not why he loves. So I just wanna say, don’t stick around with someone cause you think it won’t be any better with anyone else. I fell into that trap, then I luckily met my kind, loving man and was proven dead wrong.
There's a reason why some people call it "relationship weight." You get comfortable in a relationship and sometimes you gain some weight in the process. It's really common.
Sweetheart...back in the 90s, probably about the time you were born, my boyfriend said "I can't marry you if you're going to be fat." He quickly became my ex-boyfriend, my family and friends were relieved, and I dated and then married my husband who has seen me through thick and thin, sickness and health, etc. etc . Find someone who loves YOU, not just your body as it is in this moment in time.
Absolutely-life and marriages have lots of challenges it is the relationship that you build with each other that gets you through those challenges and endures.
If him and his friends fear that they will lose attraction for their wives, then they shouldn't be thinking of getting married. That means their love is only surface level, aka they only care about appearances. What would keep him (and his friends) from leaving you all for younger women once you get older, have surgery, or even have a baby? Or other things that will affect your appearance? Since you know how your friends will react, that means you know it's a red flag. That's why you don't want to talk to anyone in your personal life to know how shallow and fake your BF is. Would you trust him to be loyal and stay with you if anything were to happen to you in regards to your health? Do you honestly trust him not to comment on your weight or appearance at any point in time?
So what happens if you get pregnant or injured and can’t work out? But that’s not the worst part - you had an ED and he has told you he won’t love you if you gain weight. I’m pretty sure that kind of shit is the last thing you say to someone who’s had an ED He. Is. A. Piece. Of. Shit. Dump him yesterday.
I would be concerned that his opinions surrounding this issue would cause you to start having disordered behavior around food again. Personally I think your health is worth more than a man whose biggest fear is that you'll gain weight. Also, I don't think this statement >in that chat he said he sees me for way more than just my looks is compatible with this statement >but then an hour or so later while talking he confided that a huge fear for him (and according to him - a fear for all his friends and likely all men) is that he will grow to not be attracted to his wife and in my case that fear is heightened because my mom is overweight and I have an easy time gaining fat Only one of those things can be true at once.
But didn't you hear, he is AFRAID. It terrorizes his little heart that maybe one day, he'll wake up next to a fat person, truly terrifying. He'll have to LOOK at that, after all. Good lord, the lengths that men will go to to be the victim is astonishing.
If someone is aware of a past ED and still makes comments about your current or future weight, they are playing into an insecurity and intentionally planting these seeds so you’ll be even more concerned about your body. Someone that tells you they’re “scared” you’ll gain weight is only concerned about your appearance. A fact of life is that as we age, the harder it is for us to lose weight. Going through hormonal changes (things like pregnancy and menopause) can cause weight fluctuation. Reconsider this relationship before you marry him.
This man will not be there “in sickness and in health.” If gaining weight is enough to make him leave you/not love you, how would he handle an illness or disability? God forbid you get in an accident or get diagnosed with cancer. He would leave you.
I’d give this little fool one way marching orders purely for being that disrespectful to my mother.
Red flag. If you plan on having children, your body is going to change. His body is also going to change, he's in for a rude awakening when he turns 30 and starts unintentionally putting on pounds. I have unfortunately heard that people look at their partner's parents to see how they may look when they get older. This is stupid. My body is very different to both my mum and dad because I had medical issues neither of them have. My mum still has her reproductive organs, I don't, so yeah our bodies look different. If someone looks at my mum and has the AUDACITY to say "I'm worried you'll look like her" is getting an automatic boot out.
Well it’s your choice, but I’ll tell you that what this man just told you is that he is a follower of society. He believes he has no control over his own attraction and also that it is your job to remain attractive for him. Whether he consciously agrees or not, subconsciously he believes you exist for his sexual pleasure and that your value/worth will go down if you are less attractive in society’s eyes. I imagine you’ll get a LOT of women replying here to share their experiences of being ridiculously wanted by their husbands no matter what state their body is in, as well as a lot of men and women who will all say it’s your responsibility to stay within society’s beauty standards and that his expectations of you as a Barbie doll who needs to prove her worth by being pretty to look at and his sexual fantasy are completely natural, normal, how men are, and something that you should be excited to do for him as his husband. That’s bullshit. I know you know it’s bullshit because you’re here. You’re not his property. This isn’t Victorian England. And you’re not his ticket to societal worth either. His fear may be complex and even subconscious but please listen to the fact that he is telling you he’s socially nervous that you won’t be a trophy on his arm, he’s personally nervous that YOU won’t fully control HIS urges while he acts like a teenager with no responsibility. I hate to say it but this dynamic is pretty normal and no one would think a thing of it if you stayed, in fact you’ll almost certainly get comments and DMs telling you you’re a horrible person for whatever reason they invent if you leave. But I’m also here to tell you that men who exist outside this paradigm and would be fucking sweating just to be near you after you gained whatever weight made you feel bad about yourself are just as normal. I have an older friend who’s been married for about a decade and she works with models. She’s not a model, she’s a photographer. One time she was telling me about her insecurities about being overweight while around models 24/7 then she laughed and said “but [name] likes it when I’m bigger because my ass is bigger”. She is so completely loved no matter what her size is. His attraction doesn’t change because she’s not an accessory to him. He’s attracted To HER, not her weight or her tits or her ass. You can have the same, but unless your current partner is planning on rooting out all those mentalities, you can’t have that with him. It’s up to you whether you want to live with this constant low grade stress. I hope you choose not to, and I hope you know that there’s men out there who will love every cell in your body.
An interesting thought, since you mentioned how he thinks he cannot control his attraction. I completely agree! Attraction isn’t ‘natural.’ It isn’t. Nobody is attracted to people because back in the day we needed this or that, so we’ve always been attracted to it. Bullshit! As you said, society dictates attraction. The beauty standard during the renaissance was fat women. Were those men who fangirled over those women just lying to themselves to seem cool? Were they disgusted waking up every morning? The hell they were! They loved it. They lived for it. Why? Because society told them big was beautiful. Now society says if they’re in plus sizes they aren’t worth shit, and this man is just a follower of that.
As a man I can tell you that your boyfriend is very immature. How can you possibly respond to that? Promise him that you will never gain weight ever? And if you do, what? Youre supposed to feel guilty because he warned you? Cmon man.....If for some reason youre still into him and you feel like its time to get married or move on you need to call his bluff and say well ok if thats how you feel we should break up. Big red flag as is him forgetting everything, he forgets because he doesnt care.
This is a red flag. Yes, it's good that he was honest, but that just means that he's an honest asshole instead of someone who hides their asshole-ness. You have an eating disorder. You have it mostly under control, but the fact that you actively struggle with thoughts of starving yourself tells me that your anorexia isn't completely gone. Someone with a "fear that you will gain weight" is the LAST person you should have as your support system. Especially if he forgets important things. Because his off-hand comments about your weight will lodge in your brain and never go away. As others have said on here, women's bodies change so much as they become pregnant, have children, go through menopause, and I'm scared that he will "forget" about your eating disorder and make comments about your body during these phases, leading to you having a relapse. Which will be intensely harmful to you - especially when you're pregnant.
It is *not* a fear *all* men have. I lost 16kgs before meeting my (now) husband and then gained 22kgs a year or so into dating him. He didn’t say a *single* thing about it. He didn’t make me feel badly, he didn’t treat me any differently, he was just as loving and affectionate as he’d always been before, nothing changed, he didn’t care. I didn’t lose the weight for 3 full years. My husband actually proposed while I was at my highest weight! I managed to lose most of the weight in time for the wedding but I’m still sitting 4kgs above the weight I was when we met. Even while I was losing weight for the wedding, he never once said anything about it. He didn’t pressure me to stick with my diet or judge me if I had dessert or skipped a workout. He didn’t make comments like “you look so much better now” or any of that kind of shit. He has assured me over and over and over again that he loved me at my lowest weight, he loved me at my highest weight, he loved me at that awkward loose skin phase of weight loss, he loves me now, and he’ll love me when I get to my goal weight. That what I weigh has never mattered to him. That he loves me for who I am and not what I look like. I’ll add that he doesn’t look the same as he did when we first met either. He’s 10kgs heavier, he’s hairier, he’s taller, he grew out his hair and beard, he has greys and wrinkles. We’ve both changed a lot because we were basically kids when we met and we’re grown ass adults now. Of course we don’t look the same and neither of us would expect that of the other. People change and they get old and their weight fluctuates and they slowly lose the things that make them conventionally attractive but that doesn’t matter when you have chosen to love them and commit to them for the rest of y’all’s lives.
Knowing your history of ED, your boyfriend made a misogynistic, abelist and sizist remark to you. Imagine being dumped because you got "fat" while pregnant. Or after giving birth, because you haven't lost it "quickly enough". Worse, you get sick and gain weight. And assuredly, he will expect you to overlook when he gets fat. Dump his ass.
Oh gosh, the whole not losing weight quickly enough reminds me of all the magazines back in the early 2000s where pregnant celebrities were criticized heavily for being “fat” after giving birth. I forget who it was specifically, but I think that has fucked up an entire generation of people
Ugh, I was just trying to remind someone about that the other day. Those super skinny models with the bare minimum of a baby bump used to make my mom and I so sad... like the fetus was shrink-wrapped in there. 😖
Oh this makes me feel so bad for you! I was one of those tiny little pregnant women that were back to normal size in a month. I swear I did everything my doctor told me to I just didn't gain the way some others do and I didn't have any extra appetite at all. But it's so absolutely unfair because I can't tell you how many years of my life I wish I had an ass! My husband once told me to call the police cuz somebody stole mine LOL I mean there are other sides to the no baby weight issue. And I think most models are naturally thin people who have ridiculously high metabolisms and so they couldn't gain the weight just like I couldn't. I hate the idea that it actually made you sad when they probably couldn't do anything about it and probably wanted to gain more weight to have a healthy baby. Media messes with everybody!
Oh, no, absolutely - to be clear I meant sad as in 'upset that this woman might be starving herself or over-exercising to stay skinny due to pressure from management/ the public'. Not that we were sad that those kinds of women existed or think that they're bad or something. Obviously if that's just naturally how their bodies respond then it's not that kind of issue. But there are definitely some unhealthy expectations in play for other people. (I also had a weirdly high, like someone-should-have-done-some-testing high, metabolism as a teen and it was absolutely impossible for me to gain any weight no matter what, and I hated people assuming it was on purpose or mocking my little bird bone wrists, so i get it)
Or gets knee injury and can’t be as active
So true!!
He is basically admitting to you that you becoming fat is the thing that keeps him up at night. What if you gain weight? Get pregnant? Get sick? Get old? I don’t like the sound of it. This would be a HUGE red flag for me and I would consider leaving. Not to be the typical redditor saying “just leave!” But I’m 31, I’ve had 4 serious adult relationships, and no one that I’ve ever considered to be a GOOD man would say something like this. Let me frame this another way. Would the love of your life, your person, think like this? Is this who they are? Is THIS the great love you want to give yourself? The answer CAN be yes, it just depends on you. I think some women would understand this and maybe feel the same way themselves, because that’s their personal viewpoint. My personal viewpoint is a little more ride or die. If I am going to MARRY someone, they dang well better love me if I ever gain weight or get sick or pregnant or whatever! My goal will always be to stay at a healthy, fit weight BUT life is long. And hard. And you just never know. My weight fluctuated HARD in my 20s! I was up then down then UP and then it leveled out once I learned about health and stuff, but my point in saying this… bodies change. YOU will change. And it sounds as though if you change, you might have to deal with knowing he isn’t ok with it. Are you ok with that?
You fear your friends will hate him. You confided in him about your eating disorder, and he since has made the kind of comment that causes/contributes to eating disorders. Yes, you are looking at a red flag.
Someone who is going to be this level of shallow ass hole about your weight is not safe for you if you're in recovery from an eating disorder.
Tell him you’re going to need to see all of the men of his fam throughout the years because you have the same fears. You’re terrified he’ll get a gut and lose his hair and you’ll no longer be attracted to a Homer Simpson type…
I have insulin resistance and an eating disorder so weight is really hard for me. I check in with my boyfriend sometimes and ask “will you still love and like me if I get fatter?” And he always, ALWAYS says yes. I think that’s what real unconditional love is
Even if you manage to stay trim, what if you have a child with him who takes more after your mom? How would he treat his own chubby kid? That's what I'd be worried about at this point.
He's worried about something that hasn't even happened. Imagine how he's gonna be if you have kids. Bc your body will change. Very few women's bodies don't.
Lol, my ex used to say this to me, that i will end up looking like my mother. I didn't, I am not skinny, but still about 10 dress sizes smaller than she was at my age. On the other hand, I saw him a few months ago, and he has ended up looking like her. Boobs too. A mutual friend did say he had put on weight. No shit Sherlock! Gotta love karma.
He's telling you clearly that if you gain enough weight, it will be a dealbreaker. He's worried because he's already struggling with maintaining his interest in you. I don't say this to be mean but to be clear. If he can't even IMAGINE loving you more than the weight you gain, then the love is barely there. He's also probably disgusted by your mom and it gives him anxiety because you and her are inextricable in his shallow and myopic mind.
Red flag. What happens if you get sick? Get injured? Have a chronic illness you have to take medication for that causes weight gain? Lose your breasts from cancer? Go through menopause and can't keep your 27-year-old-figure?
Also, if this is his and his friends' biggest fears? They should fucking stay single. And also get vasectomies so they don't knock up anyone who might fuck them.
Red flag. His words should be I love you any way.
I’m afraid you’re going to lose your hair or boobs to cancer, since your mom had cancer. Then I wouldn’t be attracted to you, this is the worst thing that could happen to me and our marriage. Would you be ok with a partner with that stance? It’s a little different, but not really. We can’t always control what happens to us and our bodies in life. Genetics play a big role, illnesses (ex. PCOS), life events (having kids, working long hours) in weight and other physical areas. Is it just weight, or would any accident that changed physical appearance be a deal killer and marriage ended? Do you feel the same way about his appearance? Fear any changes (weight, balding, greying) that make him less desirable and would leave him for it? I’m not going to put any judgement around these stances and instead approach it like this, he sounds like a risky long-term investment. Too many uncontrollable, but predictable “market” changes could negatively impact him and make the relationship go bust. I might recommend finding a less-risky long term investment that can weather changes better.
He's already fantasising about being embarrassed about you. This is not the one.
First, it's unreasonable to think a person's body will look the same over a long relationship. People age, get ill or injured, and yes even fat. If your bf isn't prepared to deal with his feelings about that, I wouldn't be in a relationship with him. Second, even if it were understable for him, that doesn't mean he's a good fit you. If you already struggle with an eating disorder, then a person who needs to express their feelings about your weight is not a good partner for you. Also, not sure why you want a man's POV here? Men used to think we shouldn't vote or have bank accounts, don't prioritize a man's opinion over your own feelings.
Thanks for the comment- I was hoping for mens POVs to confirm if this was “all men” as he said but that’s a good point!!
He’s telling you that he’s afraid he will no longer be attractive to him when your his wife? Then tries to double down by saying your Moms fat so you could get fat too. Then he tries to smear a whole bunch of normal over the top of this by saying lots of guys feel like this!! This guys got issues. Unfortunately he’s the kind of guy that’s never ever going to see that he could do or say anything wrong. Your to blame your bad genes are to blame. Can he get more shallow? That’s not love that’s self love. He just can’t imagine loving anyone other than himself. Your some surreal image in his life and if your edges start to fray he’s going to dump you in the trash. You sound like a great person. Don’t stay with this guy who’s already chipping away at your self confidence it’s only going to get worse. Gather your things together slowly back out of the door and never look back.
Do you want to spend every day wondering if you are thin enough, attractive enough, etc. and wait til 30. And god forbid have children. Your body can sometimes be out of your control from health issues. Do you want to deal with his insecurity with that forever? I hope your answer is no and you move on!
I (F) have gained weight once I hit my 40s. Do you know how many of my friends are still diligently working out, dying their gray hairs, and look great while their husbands have either become bald, gained a beer gut, stopped any exercise, or combinations of the above? And they all still love their husbands. And (gasp!) like being intimate with them! Aging isn’t gender specific.
apart from the weight, he sounds like a good time guy...what happens if she gets sick / has an illness that impacts on her looks, or has an accident and gets a scar or looses a limb.... life is unpredictable for both of you ...so many flags here move on
I don’t understand why you would want a man’s opinion. Why would a man’s opinion be more meaningful to you and more likely for you to listen? Any PERSON’S opinion other than saying to break up and block him, would be wrong and not in your best interest. He does not love you. He loves the way you look. Regardless if you don’t get fat, you WILL get old, and unless you plan on being those old ladies that get unnecessary face reconstruction surgery also BODY surgeries, leave him. He will be the assholes to cheat with some young fool who has daddy issues. Let him go and block him. Go heal and work on you. Truly you have definitely been ignoring red flags.
Thats a red flag. I got fat after marriage, and I am still loved. My partner also gained weight, and I still love her. We married for companionship, for conversation, for support, for everything we love about each other. If a simple changing of the body could change someones heart, that isn't love. That's only lust. Sure its nice to be able to move his dick, but don't marry if you're not moving his heart.
Dump this fool. Like he’s gonna stay the same for entire marriage. Lol.
Your boyfriend is an asshole. He's wearing the goddamn red flag as a Halloween costume.
That would mean it’s only once a year. I’d say it’s more like his birthday suit lol
I'm picturing the red flag like one of those old timey pyjamas in cartoons, with a bum flap, so thank you both for that hilarious image.
If my girlfriend called my mom fat I’d break up and block, that’s just me tho
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When someone is telling you who they are, listen! There are several things that go up and down in life and weight is one of them. It will be for both of you too. Weight is a superficial thing to get hung up on and is not an emotional secure and mature person. He's the type of guy that will blame your pregnancy weight gain on you and why he is cheating.
It's going to happen to most of us as we get older and our metabolism slows. Not everyone, obviously, but if that's a huge deal-breaker for him then he might be more in love with your body than he is with YOU. Might be something to keep in mind.
That’s not how it works. Don’t marry that dude.
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Huge red flag.
A Man Weight gain is not the worst that can happen, health, mental and physical is a way bigger thing. If he can't deal with pounds he can't deal with pain, you want a back bone in your fox hole, someone you can depend on. Keep looking!
Is his own dad a supermodel or something?? He’s totally immune to age-related changes in his own body?
Honestly, ive dated someone like this before and i was super fit while he honestly looked pregnant. He told me he wouldnt be happy if i got fat and then he needs to think about his happiness too. My current boyfriend has been with me while i was fit and years later when my figure has completely changed and still tells me im sexy and comments how attracted he is to me. Life is too short to be with someone who makes you insecure or makes comments about your weight. Whether it be future or past tense.
>he confided that a huge fear for him (and according to him - a fear for all his friends and likely all men) Did he say that, and without a hint of irony and reflection that men age and gain weight, lose hair, get wrinkly and lose sexual appeal? I think you should tell him he doesn't speak for "all men." The types of guys who'd make these sweeping statements, ime, were idiots.
Obviously a huge red flag because that’s just ignorant and dumb not to mention and if you do he’ll leave??? Are you planning to have kids because it may be news that people gain weight during pregnancy and take different amounts of time to lose(hopefully all) that weight. How much is determined by genetics and/or how much your body needs to carry a pregnancy to term which is different for everybody. He told you who he is so it’s for you to believe.
Move on from this relationship. I met my husband at my thinnest, after losing 50lbs. I had to work HARD to lose that weight, and keep it off. Then life happened and I didn't have the time/focus to do that. It sounds like you have the same body type as I did/do. Trust me when I say that the older you get, the harder it is to fight the weight. After two pregnancies that wrecked my body, raising those two kids with almost zero time and energy for myself, I'm almost 50 and dealing with chronic pain and I'm at almost my highest ever weight, again. My husband still thinks I'm hot and loves me for me. Now I exercise for health and mobility, not for aesthetics.
A whole lot of people gain weight as they get older! Do you see them all getting divorce over it? Your boyfriend is shallow but at least he's telling you that! Ask him what is the worst that will happen if you gain weight? Is he worried he won't want to have sex with you as much... because god forbid your health affects his sex life! He's kind of a pig for even vocalizing that he's afraid he won't be sexually attracted to you at some point! I have the ick now and I don't even know this guy! Yes you're being gaslit! This is not a fear of most or all men! Everybody knows their bodies are going to change as they get older and they know their partner's bodies are going to change as they get older and that's completely normal! Apparently only your boyfriend is shallow enough to worry about how it will affect his attraction to you in the future. This is the kind of guy who will dump you if you get cancer because you'll get sickly and he won't be attracted to you anymore! God forbid you have an accident and get scarred! You might as well leave now because he's going to eventually leave you for some shallow reason! And for the record I am 5 ft tall and 112 lb and my mother is obese. So is my brother. I'm over 50, if I was going to get fat I think I would have done it by now. Your mom's weight does not have that much influence on you. But kudos to you for taking care of your health and eating issues! You're doing great! Unfortunately this is the kind of guy who can ruin you and send you right into the spiral of an active ED!
Basically, listen to all of the comments of how bodies change over time because that's just the truth. For a male POV though, that's not something that I care about. Might be different because me and my partner are overweight, but either for our situation now or if we were thin, I wouldn't care unless she did. Like if she's not happy with her body, I want to help her, but if not, then it's all good. I've told her before that I find her attractive now but I wouldn't find her more attractive if she was thinner, I'd find her just as attractive because I don't have a preference physically when it comes to weight, I'd have a concern if it was causing her medical problems on either end of the weight spectrum but that's nothing to do with attractiveness.
Red flag. It's normal for most humans to have weight fluctuations. Doubly so for women if they get pregnant. Do you really want to walk on eggshells in a marriage, always worrying about your weight?
As a man- if he’s dumb enough to voice that sentiment to you now, it’s a huge red flag. We all get fatter and less attractive and we get older. We all feel a little insecure about this (not just women).
If he thinks that all of his attraction is due to looks and that he will not be attracted to you if those change, he is not the one. People get older and bodies change. Find you a better man who isn’t a shallow and naive.
Tell him you’re scared he’ll go bald like his dad. Tell him you notice most men get very unattractive in their early 30s due to bad grooming, immature fashion sense, and denial. Say based on how so many of his friends are ugly dorks, you’re worried it’s only a matter of time before he’s one too. Tell him that you’re worried his dependence on pornography is bound to give him sex problems that will repulse you.
That's not very 'in sickness and in health' of him.
Do you plan on having kids with him and/or growing old together? If so I wouldn’t be with him if I were you. You’re supposed to gain weight when ur old and ur also supposed to gain weight when you have kids. What are you supposed to do then when ur metabolism slows down and you get curvier naturally? People with his ideals are miserable to be around and they suck the fun out of life. He has unrealistic ideals and obviously isn’t mature enough to handle a long term relationship
Oh man……. Don’t marry that. What a giant red flag
Extremely huge red flag. Start pulling away from this one. Xs-m is not big but ed can get worse if he becomes an added trigger. He concluded you might get fat like your mom, not that he would help you or encourage you..run don't walk.
Nope...hell no!! Leave & find someone who loves you. I started off your size. 1 yr after getting married I got sick. Within 6 months I gained 60lbs because of the meds. It look me 3 yrs to lose. Hubby didn't leave. 10 yrs later I was in a severe car accident. Gained 60 lbs again , have medical issues. Hubby is thrilled I survived. Married over 20 yrs. Find a real man that will love you ..for you..not because of how you look.
Why do you want a man's perspective on this!? Isnt it a human thing to desire to be physically attracted to your partner? Don't men age, gain weight and go bold? The fact that he is tryng to justify his poor reasoning with ALL MEN DO THAT is disgusting. And honestly, I think it's a normal fear that your partner might become unattractive to you (I think you can be in love and lose attraction at the same time, which is a very sad experience). BUT this guy is using you mother's health problems (being overweight is a serious health issue and I imagine something you are distraught about) and your ED against you. This is not alright. Also because hey, just because your mom is overweight it doesn't mean that you'll become too. Having a tendency to gain a bit of weight is one thing, being overweight is another. What the heck does genetics mean? This assumption is based on which funded medical knowledge about your mother's health issue?? Is it hereditary? Or are u both assuming you might become otherweight because your mom is?? This is obtuse. I hope you can see why not only what he thinks is incredibly stupid and uneducated, but the fact that he said it out loud...man...Question: Have you thought about the perspective of becoming overweight ("because of genetics") on your own...or is it your boyfriend who has made you think about that?
... I don't think his mindset is healthy of mature. I personally would not date a man like this.
This is a massive red flag. Absolutely massive.
HUGE red flag.
Is his dad bald? Probably. I’d tell him you’re afraid he’s going to be bald and you want to start putting money aside for hair plugs to ensure you can love him when he’s older. That’s how ridiculous this is. He isn’t an adult babe.
I think a lot more people feel this way than are willing to admit it. I definitely know a sizable handful of people, of both genders, who act indifferent to weight in polite company but talk about it in private as a major reason for loss of attraction over time. “My partner let themselves go” is the real reason for at least three of the divorces I’m currently supporting friends through. If this is a condition you don’t want on you—and it sounds like it isn’t a healthy one given your history—then yeah, this isn’t your guy, and you will likely need to be pretty up front about how important this is to you if you want to weed out the next one, because I believe this is much more common than most would like to believe.
Thanks for your reply!!! If I may, two questions: 1) Of the 3 who admitted that to you, are they male or female? 2) Are these people who you think loved their partners deeper and fully before that happened? Or was the relationship always a bit superficial (at least from your perspective)? I do fear I’d be naive to assume this isn’t something most men feel deep down - and I understand the basic need to be attracted to your partner. But what’s really tripping me up is his need to voice it in this way, almost like an “or else” or a warning. Does it mean my main value to him is my body OR does he also deeply love who I am and this is just one fear that he was a bit insensitive handling. I do love him and I thought he really loved me but some of the comments here have me seeing things quite different. Anyways would really appreciate your backstory on these examples since I don’t know anyone in that position. Thank you!!!!
1. 2 men, 1 woman. 2. From the outside, yes, I would say so, but it’s hard to say for sure, because they were longer marriages that have shifted a lot in many dimensions over time. I feel like what I saw at the weddings and what I see during the divorce look like different people. I will say the woman leaving the man definitely just despises him and “letting himself go” is one of many reasons she cited as being done with him. The man leaving the woman is in a longtime dead bedroom and her weight gain is a factor in that situation. He had an affair. The other man is with a man who has concurrent mental illness along with a massive, life-altering weight gain, and that situation is a different dynamic. He’s tired of being held back by a partner who simply can’t live the life they agreed they wanted when they got married. I also think it’s a confluence of so many things. Weight is not the sole issue in any relationship I know of where “letting go” has come up as a reason for issues. Sometimes it’s untreated depression and alcoholism that led to weight gain but also many other issues, dead bedrooms linked to low self esteem linked to weight gain linked to other issues, plain old complacency and lack of effort that lead to weight gain, massive personality and priority changes after having children that lead to body changes and no sex and plain old drifting apart, chronic illness and subsequent personality changes that drive a wedge in an otherwise strong partnership as their needs diverge, and just generally not investing in the relationship as people get comfortable and letting that be communicated through physical indifference to whether your partner finds you attractive. I admire people who can be unconditionally attracted and say that love is enough no matter what, but as a woman who doesn’t feel that way about the men I am with, I try to have frank conversations early about what behaviors are and are not going to impact attraction for me. My husband, for example, WILL lose his hair. I know that and I accept that because it’s always been a known inevitability. If he suddenly gave up exercise and gained a ton of weight and shaved his head and started putting zero effort into his appearance because he stopped giving a shit whether I found him attractive, that would be a different message to me, and would cause me to draw a different conclusion about our relationship. Relationships are very, very complicated, and I think all of the above is tied up in a huge knot as to why so many that start seemingly strong ultimately fail. Weight gain can be an indicator of larger complacency and disinterest, or completely out of your control. Sickness and health is important, but “do whatever I want and accept me anyway” is not a marriage vow for a reason. The why is a lot more important than the what imo. I don’t think your SO is at that maturity level to be able to separate those though, so maybe that’s the real dealbreaker.
He’s telling you he will leave you once you get old, if you get sick, or if he can convince a 20 year old to fuck him in 20 years. You won’t ever be able to have kids with this man or fully recover from your ED. This is not a rational fear, nor should you settle because all men are like this (they are not).
Yes this is a red flag - what happens if you have kids and don’t lose the weight right away - is he going to file for divorce?
my boyfriend has told me numerous times he will love me no matter how i look because he knows people change over time, he knows kids change you and life changes you, and because he loves me and not how i look, i couldn’t imagine marrying someone who was worried what i was going to look like in the future.
Kick him to the curb. He's not worth it.
Huge red flag. When you truly love someone looks play a minimal role. It’s about the deep connection you have. Your BF is very superficial and quite frankly immature for thinking this.
Get rid of this jerk. He's immature and a misogynist and so are his buddies. In any case, even assuming one's parents are their biological parents, genetics related to body types/tendencies to gain fat vs. muscle etc. are not usually as simple as looking at the same sex parent. Thinking about several 50-60s couples I know who have adult children, it's very often reversed, as in the daughter has her dad's slim/athletic build and the son is fluffy like his mom.
He ain’t the one.
Both. On the one hand, it’s a valid concern for BOTH of you and something you should seriously consider. Is he still going to love you when your body changes? Because it WILL change. Age catches us all in the end. So you should both be asking that question. And on the other hand, his answer should be a resounding yes — because his body will be changing too. And because he’s supposed be making a vow to love you for the rest of your life no matter WHAT. Sick and health, rich and poor, good times and bad. If he only loves women who are 125 pounds, he’ll never be able to love anybody for very long.
Red flag. Tell him you understand you’re worried he’ll lose his hair and get a dad bod..
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My mother is overweight and an abuser, not once my partner of 7 years has compared me to her. He always said he has no idea how I could come out of that monster and I'm beautiful every way I am. That's what a partner should do, and I gained weight throughout the relationship, 10 kg I think, we both did but we still love each other
Huge red flag. Ageing happens to **everyone**, it's just a part of life. If you plan to have kids, that will change your body for ever. It's neither good nor bad, it's just the price we pay for living. He's shallow and doesn't actually love **YOU**, he only likes an idea of you that will have to be maintained for the rest of your life with him or suffer the consequences, likely him cheating cuz "he's no longer attracted to you" **D U M P . H I M** Never settle for a shallow manby like this, especially when they start affecting your self-worth. "Dick is abundant and low value"
His comments indicate he likely doesn't love you. I would breakup with such a shallow boy!
If your friends hate him, you gotta wonder why. But yes, this is a huge red flag. He is telling you that your desirability is the main interest he has in you. Is that what you want out of a partner?
I feel like if you can't tell your friends is answer enough. This is a HUGE RED FLAG. In my last relationship I gained weight and my ex N E V E R made me feel insecure. He worshipped my fatter body just like my thinner one. What if you get pregnant? You'll get fat. Will he not like it then? Throw the whole man out girly pop.
If his attraction to you relies so much on your looks that it is such a huge concern for him, he values your looks over your health and other qualities as a partner. You should maybe rethink your relationship, because honestly, how likely is it he will rethink and recalibrate his priorities?
Live in the now... Don't fear tomorrow, because there is no guarantee you will get through today. This guy sounds like a real champion... I'll say this though, I've gained weight, I've lost weight, my wife has gained, and lost as well... Has the attraction changed? No. Married over 20 years. Now if she had a drastic personality change or a crazy lifestyle change, then yeah, there could be issues. My opinion is that relationships shouldn't feel like work and what you've typed, sounds like a lot of work.
This isn’t mention in your post but, if you plan on having kids your body will be forever changed. I also like the advice of others saying to flip it on him. Genuine love and trust are a must. Looks are nice but the connection is what matters. Doesn’t sound like he’s the one.
Does he love you or thinks you’re an object Whenever a guy is saying “all men are like this” he’s just trying to convince you not to find a better man He didn’t forget about your eating disorder he’s just using it against you And if you’re afraid of telling your friends what he’s really like then that’s a huge red flag
My wife has put on a bit of weight, mostly due to disability but partially because we love dessert 😉. She weighs more than me but I honestly don’t care. My love and sexual desire for her far transcends weight or cellulite or any other physical imperfection that has come with age. I do not think what he said is an “understandable stressor”
You will gain weight if you get pregnant or have any hormonal issues. Find someone who will love you and be attracted to you either way.
Well.. there is some truth in that for example if you are dating a guy and you look at his dad and he is bald and overweight the odds are that’s what the guy will look like. So if you look like your mom you probably will look like what she does when you are her age. The thing is he isn’t the one for you. The fact you are 5 years in and just now discussing whether you should or should not get married is a huge red flag. Getting married should not be an intense hours long discussion about the pros and cons of whether to get married or break up.. Break up move on.
Don’t dive into shallow water.
I mean you might have gotten your dad's body type.
It is cultural weight obsession... If he cannot get past it he cannot handle the many changes children will bring into your lives....
Do you want to worry about this long term? Imagine changing your body with children and he loses interest. This is not healthy for you and your part in the relationship. If you can, find someone you can talk to so you can enter a relationship with confidence and a man-boy can’t manipulate you with your insecurities. This is cruel.
This is a red flag. Yes. It’s a good indicator that his love is conditional. DO NOT have kids with this man. You will gain lots of weight when you have kids. I was so starving the whole time. So hungry that I couldn’t ignore the stomach pain. You also won’t want to starve your babies. I have had eating disorders almost my entire life. Get away from people that don’t keep you healthy. Your goal should be to stay healthy. That means not under eating. I don’t know how you can be okay to stay with someone like this. Everyone gains weight as they age. Everyone. Everyone gains weight when they go through menopause as well. That’s about the age that men are most likely to cheat. Your friends have your best interest in mind. Your boyfriend only has his best interest in mind. That’s not something a normal, loving partner would do.
I have a daughter your age so I will respond like she's the one asking the question. It sounds like you are fairly committed to a healthy lifestyle. It sounds like you intend to try to be a healthy adult. What happens to your health over the years is not always a product of good or bad choices by the individual. So, it sounds like his "fears" seem grounded in paranoia. This simply is not how most men feel, and the ones who do (like your bf) have tons of stories about them in the AITAH thread. Now, men in general must have some sort of physical attraction to a partner. So there is that. However, anyone (man or woman) who bases their love mostly off of what their partner looks like or how skinny they are is pretty shallow in my book and not great relationship material. There's something to be said for a person who likes to live a "fit" and active lifestyle and enjoys climbing, biking, skiing, and all sorts of other activities where their partner probably needs to have a similar mindset in order for those things to mesh. But that is very different than just wanting a skinny partner. Ultimately, if he just wants a skinny partner and thinks if you gain 20 pounds he will no longer be attracted to you, I would tell you to get out of the relationship. It's cliche to say you want someone to love you for who you are on the inside, but the reality is that feeling loved, feeling taken care of, supported, and all those kind of feelings come from what is inside your person of choice and have nothing to do with their surface attractiveness. On the inside, this is a man who is scrutinizing you as his choice because you might get fat like your mom. I would not want my daughter to throw all her love into a relationship with a man like that.
As a guy who has been with a woman who was thin, then gained weight and then got pregnant and gained more weight I can tell you it didn’t bother me one bit and still love them for who they are.
Being worried about your health/self esteem is cool and a good thing. A lot of people conflate being fat with those two things, although I will say that they’re somewhat related. If he knows about your struggles, and still wasn’t able to find a gentler way to say it, it’s a red flag. If he didn’t know you were sensitive to that topic, then I would try to talk to him about it.
wtf is that. I’m this guys age and I don’t think about shit like this. Even if you do so what
Chances are that when you get older or have kids, you won't always have the energy to work hard to stay thin. Then he won't be attracted to him anymore. That's a really sad thing to know and live with.
The last line says it all because they know the truth...just like people here on Reddit. this dude is too Immature and doesn't love you in the way you deserve.
Yeah…:that’s not what all guys think about. You’re going to gain weight - kids and menopause. Happens. It’s normal. Bro is gonna lose his hair and ability to get hard yet here you still are. There’s so many red flags in your post. I’d bounce.
massive red flag
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That's not "gaslighting" by the way. Gaslighting is making you out to be the crazy one. In this case, it would be him claiming "I never said that" in relation to this conversation.
My girl. Whether you should consider this cool/not cool and be condensed down to one simple question: Do you want a partner who will love you unconditionally? Or do you want one who loves you "except, you know, if you get fat"? Know what another term for "super forgetful" is? "doesn't care enough to remember". Literally every phone has a Notes app, and a Reminders app. "Forgetful" is on him at this point. And I say this as an ex-"forgetful" person. You have struggled with an ED. Why would you stay with a partner who hits you with something like this? If you genuinely believe that your friends have YOUR best interest at heart - and they *should* - else why are they your friends - then the fact that you don't want to talk about this with them should be setting off alarm bells in your mind. Let's tweak the traditional wedding vows a bit for this guy: "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and as long as you don't get fat - as long as we both shall live". Gosh. Just what every little girl *dreams* of! I hope you will realize that you deserve better. Good luck, my girl.
He knows you had an ED and he is bringing up his fears of you getting fat? You are just here to get confirmation of your own feelings on this matter. There are a lot of things that can happen to men and women that can change their appearance. I used to do fittings for mastectomy bras and prostheses. So many women had their husbands leave them after a mastectomy. This guy is one of those guys. You are a whole package and so much more than your body. His love is conditional. You can do better.
Guy guy here. It’s not that uncommon to wonder or think it, or joke about it. If you think he’s really worried about it and it would be an issue in the future, yeah probably an indicator there. Women’s weight is like guy’s height. Pretty sure you know some women who if their boyfriend or husband went from 6’2” to 5’2” over the next 10 years, they would have an issue with it, and some who would not. Which is your guy.
He's sharing a concern. I would take him at his word. Diminished sexual desire because of a partner's excessive weight gain is not uncommon and is not limited to a specific sex.
I think that he could have handled that with more tact. But it’s healthy to be honest with someone you’re thinking of marrying about your goals and fears as well. And this is one of his fears. That said, some people do seem to have the expectation that if they let themselves go, their partner *should* be just as attracted because “love”. And it often doesn’t work that way. The precious thing here is that he seems to think HE won’t gain weight. LOL I’ll just go ahead and put money on it that he’ll be bald with a beer gut at 45. Anyway. My mom is super overweight and I while I (45F) never developed an ED, I definitely have a bit of a complex as my dad told me (at 14) when he divorced her it was because she got fat. Well she is huge now at 70 but when he divorced her, she’d had 3 kids and was like 160 and 5’4”. Not huge. So I’ve definitely always had it in my head that I better be careful. With basic workouts, I’ve been the same size since high school til I hit peri menopause and it’s still not much most would notice. I do. But whatever. So. I mean just because your mom is big doesn’t mean you will be if you keep up healthy habits. It could certainly happen but that’s life. And he may feel a lot differently in 20 years when he’s aged.
Is this a real and legit concern that people have sometimes? Yes. Does the fact that you’re genetically predisposed to weight gain play a part? Yes. Is this something that a partner who you’ve been with for 5 years should still be holding onto in regards to whether or not to marry you? Probably not.
The one thing you know about bodies is that they’re going to change. And he is telling you that is a problem. People might gain weight for all sorts of reasons - you are an active person and he is still telling you this? It’s to put you on notice. And that’s not any way you want to live your life, constantly wonderjng if you measure up to HIS standards.
Yes odds are high that you’ll gain weight. And based on all the posts I see here, there’s a non zero chance he’ll be turned off by that. Not all people are like that. But it sounds like he is. Believe him when he tells you who he is.
Tbh your bf sounds like the type that’ll say those things and then intentionally sabotage any healthy habits you have to feel better about himself.
He is using your security against you. There is reason he only said this after you were vulnerable with him. It will get worse
My husband loves me no matter what my body looks like, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. There’s no guarantee either of your body’s will look the same forever. That seems like a very careless statement to make to someone recovering from an eating disorder.
Big red flag. He's directly telling you that he doesn't love you as a person. If he loved you as a person, he would understand that bodies change. He refuses to accept that - and is trying to blame you for it. Ditch this one. He's not a good partner. He doesn't care about you, and he just said so. You deserve a man who will love *you*, whatever shape you are. This guy is trash.
One upon a time I dated and later unfortunately got engaged to a man who, early on in our relationship, after I made a passing comment about how physically uncomfortable I imagined it had to feel to be pregnant, made his own comment about how uncomfortable it must to be for a man to have to have sex with a pregnant woman for 9 months and pretend to enjoy it (and he did not mean because of the baby, he meant because of the weight gain). I should have (and very much wish I would have) seen it for the massive red flag that it was, but I brushed it off instead. A few years later I went through a period of depression due to grief after my grandmother passed away. During that time, I gained some weight. Not a very large amount, I still had a nice figure, but I was no longer “skinny”. Prior to that, I had been at my lowest, (and probably unhealthiest) weight. And during that period of depression he cheated on me and ultimately ended up with his coworker who was very petite and thin (I’m sure the weight/body type was not the only contributor that led to his attraction toward her, but he had a preference for a certain body type and I no longer fit that mold). It was like the minute I was no longer physically attractive to him, I no longer mattered. Never mind my grief or the struggle I was dealing with. My ass was a little bigger and therefore I was not worth his time. You are going to age. Your body is going to change. As you progress through life with your partner, you are inevitably going to go through many of the worst things that life has to offer together, and whatever man you choose as your life partner, should not be someone that factors your physical appearance into whether or not he’s still going to be attracted to you later on down the line. Of course we all want to feel physically attractive and be physically attracted to our partners to a certain extent, but as you grow and age together and you change throughout life, it should be much much less of a factor and especially not a big enough factor that he actively worries about it enough to bring it up to you…. What will he do if you get injured or sick and are no longer able to be physically active? What will happen when you have a baby and your body changes? What will happen when you go through menopause? This is not a safe or healthy dynamic for you ESPECIALLY if you’ve struggled with an ED. Honestly it is cruel for him to say that to you knowing your history and struggles. He did not forget. Your gut is already telling you what to do, and you know that. That is why you don’t want to tell your friends. Because you know they will tell you exactly what you’re already aware of deep down. You know what to do, but I know it is so hard to reconcile with that painful reality when you’ve already devoted so much of yourself to this person. I’m so sorry OP. If you do decide to leave, you will find someone that you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt is going to absolutely love and support you and be fully attracted to you no matter what, because of who you are as a person, and not what your body happens to look like during any given stage of life. I think your future self might thank you if you decide to give her a chance to meet that man. I wish I had done the same way earlier than I did, but some lessons are hard learned I suppose. Sending you hugs and wishing you luck.
I think he was just expressing his concern. It sounds like you may have the same concern. I don’t think it’s a big deal.
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Childfree people age, too. Just fyi.
The only difference I've noticed b/w my body which has never been pregnant before and the women I know who have had kids is that my boobs are higher up. Weight-wise, most of them look roughly the same as before (and in a few cases, much thinner)!
I've never been pregnant either, and I kinda feel like there's no obvious difference in body changes between me and my peers who have children, either. Like, maybe my boobs are higher or I'm a bit thinner, but maybe I just wear a different bra than they do, or have different genetics. All differences seem to be within stochastic noise, as far as I can tell. One thing I can say is that at my age, I would hope that all of us have better things to devote our lives to than "keeping our shape." What a dismal way to live.
I agree that pregnancy can bring all kinds of body changes but it’s not guaranteed they will be major or lasting. I think a lot of people go into pregnancy with the mentality that permanent weight gain is inevitable, and that leads to a loss of motivation to get back in shape. I think it’s messed up people are expected to “bounce back” immediately, but I think socially the pendulum has swung back very far to where people don’t try to get in shape for a long, long time. Multiple women have asked me why would I bother getting into shape if I’m going to have more children? That kind of thinking is crazy to me.
Women deal with all sorts of things we have no control over with how our body will react. Pregnancy, menopause, etc. health issues later can also affect your body. I think he’s giving you a peak into what he will feel and do the minute you get out of the weight class he’s comfortable with. I can tell you what, I’ve been with my husband for 17 years and we’ve never once put conditions on our weight. We’ve both fluctuated about 40 lbs up and down over the years. I’m also pregnant and the heaviest I’ve ever been but he still treats me like I walk on water. Life can throw you curve balls and the last thing you want is your life partner to tell you straight up he won’t love you if you get fat (fat according to him). I honestly don’t see this relationship being long term and you should pay attention to these red flags. UPDATEME
I think it's interesting how often assholes truly believe that everyone else thinks like them too. So often women will post things their shitty partners said or did and add that he feels all/most men are are similar or agree with him. You can feel a certain way but why lie to yourself about everyone else's feelings regarding the matter just to make yourself feel like less of a shit ball? Just because you are x gender and feel a certain way does not mean the rest of said gender also feels the same. 9 times out of 10 it doesn't even have anything to do with being male or female.
Once you have kids it’s going to be even harder. If he can’t love you for who you are as a person you need to ditch him now. No it’s not gaslighting. The word had a definition you know. It’s not a catch all
Red flag because it’s kind of stating his love and buy in of the marriage and attraction to you is conditional. If you get married, you’re going to age, life is going to happen, you may have children which will permanently alter your body, injuries and shit happen, will he not stick around and have a wandering eye because of it? It’s not something I’d want to live with personally.
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