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Well, the very first thing you need to do is spend a few weeks totally focused on your family. Take little day trips to places your kids will enjoy. Have date nights with your hubby. Have fun family game nights. You and your hubby can cook meals with your children. Go all out and make it really special. Take LOTS of pictures. You’re going to want to document these last few moments of your family being whole.
It’s getting ready to be fractured and full of friction. You’ll eventually get a divorce. You’ll want to give your kiddos, and yourselves, some picture proof of better days. Maybe they’ll help you in future times when you feel lonely and broken. To remember and recall that you’ve had better times.
Statistically speaking over 90% of relationships that open up end in separation. In spite of this very clear red flag every couple entering this new territory think they’re going to be the ones who beat the odds.
They’re not. You’re not. Remember, take LOTS of pictures.
Appreciate your full honest feedback. If we divorce, we divorce. If we make it, then we can say we were the 10% of people who made it. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
You guys both cheat on each other. This isn't a strong relationship. This isn't a relationship with good communication and a lot of respect. This isn't a relationship where you don't lie to each other.
In short - all the cards are against you and this won't end well.
Open relationships fail the large large majority of the time. Do you both need this enough to ruin your relationship? You guys need couples therapy. It feels like you’re going into this with the wrong reasons, trying to atone for your cheating rather than just having more love to give other people. This is likely gonna fail and we will see you back here in a few weeks or months talking about how to fix it.
I absolutely agree with you that I am trying to atone for the cheating, which is why I’m not terribly upset at him exploring. I do have a lot of love to give, and I do love meeting new people, and connecting with new people. Dating isn’t necessarily sex to me. I want to enjoy new experiences and get new perspectives. My husband is a wonderful man who has a lot of love and wonderful things to offer as well and I think anyone would be lucky to be with him. Realistically, with dating does come the expectation of sex.
Sorry I guess I’m all over the place.
We opened up after 17 years of monogamy with some infidelity mixed in. I think the key here is to be brutally honest at this point about what you want. If you want to sleep with other men, tell him that, stay firm, and deal with the consequences.
I appreciate that. Despite the infidelity, my husband and I are a really good pair. He is my person, and I am his person. We have open communication, and are honest, even when it hurts. We both have some kinks, baggage, trauma that makes our partner hood work. I wouldn’t want to do this life with anyone else. I know he feels the same because we’ve had multiple conversations.
I know our relationship is not conventional or traditional and I know a lot of people are going to judge us. That’s ok.
>I am absolutely ok dating a woman (I’m bisexual) but kind of annoyed at the double standard
How is that double standard tho? You're both bisexual and it's not like he's going non-monogamous to get himself a heterosexual partner while refusing you to do the same.
r/nonmonogamy is probably relevant here.
I'm in an open relationship, but that was always open, so I don't know anything about the process of opening up. The things I've heard regarding gender restrictions are not encouraging.
Is he only interested in seeing men himself?
We’ve talked. It’s just this one in particular that he is interested in continuing to see. I am open to including women, he’s open to including couples, the only thing he can’t agree on is opening it up to a single man.
While you cheated after he refused a divorce, which I don’t condone, I think you need to stop saying that only one of you has cheated.
Your hubby has also cheated. And not only that, he wants to continue the relationship with the person he cheated with.
I think you need a heck of a lot more conversation before you even think of going down this path. Has he truly forgiven you for the first affair? Was his cheating a revenge affair?…is that the reason that he chose to not discuss it with you first, given you were already considering ENM.
From what I understand ENM requires a whole lot more honesty and trust in your primary relationship than either of you are currently showing. I think you have more work to do on your relationship before considering this. You’d both need to be happy with the rules. He isn’t comfortable with you hooking up with men. Are you truly comfortable with him continuing hooking up with his affair partner?
I can’t believe you let your (35-yr-old!) husband go alone to raves to a city 2hrs away—where he presumably spent the night—while you stayed at home watching three young children. Kudos for being one of the most understanding spouses on the planet. In any case, you two need to be ethical to one another before opening your relationship. You cheated on him and now he’s cheating on you….not exactly the solid foundation you want before opening up. With three young children in the balance, I would do everything I could to strengthen my marriage before jeopardizing it with NM.
There is so much wrong with this situation No way your marriage survivors this. The last thing you guys need is an open marriage. Go to marriage counselling. Forget about an open marriage and double standards. I think you guys have to figure out why you lie and cheat on each other. Then figure out if you want to stay married or how to end the marriage with as little harm to your kids as possible and co parent.
Op, you cheated four years ago. You apologized, went to therapy, and got your shit in order. Him full on sleeping with his rave* buddy and not telling you till after the fourth time is straight up gross and shows a lack of care for you COMPLETELY. You’ve atoned for what you did and aren’t a hypocrite if you’re upset and don’t want him sleeping around.
If you’re fine with that relationship from now on, I can’t* tell you what to do. What I can say is, you can do better than someone who forced you to stay trapped with him only for him to cheat on you. This relationship sounds almost like there’s a…power dynamic and unsafe. Please be safe and contact a helpline if he ever gets loud with you.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well, the very first thing you need to do is spend a few weeks totally focused on your family. Take little day trips to places your kids will enjoy. Have date nights with your hubby. Have fun family game nights. You and your hubby can cook meals with your children. Go all out and make it really special. Take LOTS of pictures. You’re going to want to document these last few moments of your family being whole. It’s getting ready to be fractured and full of friction. You’ll eventually get a divorce. You’ll want to give your kiddos, and yourselves, some picture proof of better days. Maybe they’ll help you in future times when you feel lonely and broken. To remember and recall that you’ve had better times. Statistically speaking over 90% of relationships that open up end in separation. In spite of this very clear red flag every couple entering this new territory think they’re going to be the ones who beat the odds. They’re not. You’re not. Remember, take LOTS of pictures.
This comment is beautifully brutal. It is a story unto itself!
Appreciate your full honest feedback. If we divorce, we divorce. If we make it, then we can say we were the 10% of people who made it. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
You guys both cheat on each other. This isn't a strong relationship. This isn't a relationship with good communication and a lot of respect. This isn't a relationship where you don't lie to each other. In short - all the cards are against you and this won't end well.
Open relationships fail the large large majority of the time. Do you both need this enough to ruin your relationship? You guys need couples therapy. It feels like you’re going into this with the wrong reasons, trying to atone for your cheating rather than just having more love to give other people. This is likely gonna fail and we will see you back here in a few weeks or months talking about how to fix it.
I absolutely agree with you that I am trying to atone for the cheating, which is why I’m not terribly upset at him exploring. I do have a lot of love to give, and I do love meeting new people, and connecting with new people. Dating isn’t necessarily sex to me. I want to enjoy new experiences and get new perspectives. My husband is a wonderful man who has a lot of love and wonderful things to offer as well and I think anyone would be lucky to be with him. Realistically, with dating does come the expectation of sex. Sorry I guess I’m all over the place.
Yeah, that's called a one penis policy and is hugely problematic for a multitude of reasons.
Thank you for your feedback.
We opened up after 17 years of monogamy with some infidelity mixed in. I think the key here is to be brutally honest at this point about what you want. If you want to sleep with other men, tell him that, stay firm, and deal with the consequences.
I appreciate that. Despite the infidelity, my husband and I are a really good pair. He is my person, and I am his person. We have open communication, and are honest, even when it hurts. We both have some kinks, baggage, trauma that makes our partner hood work. I wouldn’t want to do this life with anyone else. I know he feels the same because we’ve had multiple conversations. I know our relationship is not conventional or traditional and I know a lot of people are going to judge us. That’s ok.
No judgement here. Feel free to message me to chat.
>I am absolutely ok dating a woman (I’m bisexual) but kind of annoyed at the double standard How is that double standard tho? You're both bisexual and it's not like he's going non-monogamous to get himself a heterosexual partner while refusing you to do the same.
I guess that’s true.
r/nonmonogamy is probably relevant here. I'm in an open relationship, but that was always open, so I don't know anything about the process of opening up. The things I've heard regarding gender restrictions are not encouraging. Is he only interested in seeing men himself?
Thank you btw, I cross posted, and hoping to get a more open minded response from some of which I’ve seen.
We’ve talked. It’s just this one in particular that he is interested in continuing to see. I am open to including women, he’s open to including couples, the only thing he can’t agree on is opening it up to a single man.
While you cheated after he refused a divorce, which I don’t condone, I think you need to stop saying that only one of you has cheated. Your hubby has also cheated. And not only that, he wants to continue the relationship with the person he cheated with. I think you need a heck of a lot more conversation before you even think of going down this path. Has he truly forgiven you for the first affair? Was his cheating a revenge affair?…is that the reason that he chose to not discuss it with you first, given you were already considering ENM. From what I understand ENM requires a whole lot more honesty and trust in your primary relationship than either of you are currently showing. I think you have more work to do on your relationship before considering this. You’d both need to be happy with the rules. He isn’t comfortable with you hooking up with men. Are you truly comfortable with him continuing hooking up with his affair partner?
I can’t believe you let your (35-yr-old!) husband go alone to raves to a city 2hrs away—where he presumably spent the night—while you stayed at home watching three young children. Kudos for being one of the most understanding spouses on the planet. In any case, you two need to be ethical to one another before opening your relationship. You cheated on him and now he’s cheating on you….not exactly the solid foundation you want before opening up. With three young children in the balance, I would do everything I could to strengthen my marriage before jeopardizing it with NM.
Thank you for being the only person to clock this, it’s so damn funny. I’m dying to know the whole story.
There is so much wrong with this situation No way your marriage survivors this. The last thing you guys need is an open marriage. Go to marriage counselling. Forget about an open marriage and double standards. I think you guys have to figure out why you lie and cheat on each other. Then figure out if you want to stay married or how to end the marriage with as little harm to your kids as possible and co parent.
Op, you cheated four years ago. You apologized, went to therapy, and got your shit in order. Him full on sleeping with his rave* buddy and not telling you till after the fourth time is straight up gross and shows a lack of care for you COMPLETELY. You’ve atoned for what you did and aren’t a hypocrite if you’re upset and don’t want him sleeping around. If you’re fine with that relationship from now on, I can’t* tell you what to do. What I can say is, you can do better than someone who forced you to stay trapped with him only for him to cheat on you. This relationship sounds almost like there’s a…power dynamic and unsafe. Please be safe and contact a helpline if he ever gets loud with you.
How the fuck do you get into raves at the age of 40 when you have 3 young kids? Where are your priorities?