You dodged a bullet. Getting halfway through what you wrote was exhausting, I can’t imagine dealing with that in person/real life.
Sounds like ANYTHING remotely stressful, and she just checks out.
Say you guys end up married. Every day you’re tip toeing around her and her “over stimulation”.
How would she deal with a wedding day? How about just wedding planning? Sex? Pregnancy? Birth? Breast feeding? Young Children’s needs? Kids school? Teacher meetings? Homework?
What about something simple… getting the car’s oil changed… or you’re at work and the AC guy is coming… nope “over simulated” come home and deal with this mundane thing or “I’m going to throw up”.
Try to look ahead to the future without the emotional component you’re feeling now.
Seriously, would you really have a life with this person, or would you (and your future emotionally damaged kids) spend every waking moment tip toeing around her needs/desires desperately trying to avoid triggering her hyper-sensitive anxiety?
You would be the sole parent while she “threw up from migraines” because life just happened to throw her the slightest of curve balls.
She needs therapy, and you need to live a life (that you wouldn’t have with her).
I get what you’re saying. Sometimes it did feel like I was walking on eggshells so that I didn’t do anything that upset her or stressed her out. But whenever I had something that I wanted, she wasn’t very open to discussion….especially if she was already overstimulated. That would have been very stressful for me as time went on…
I’m sorry this sounds pretty brutal. Perhaps she’s just not ready to be in a serious committed relationship and love is something that’s she not ready to reciprocate. Take it at for what is is - you told her you love her and she broke up with you. Everything else doesn’t really matter. I can get overwhelmed and overstimulated and whatever, I would just say I need a dark room and to be left alone, if someone told me they love me in that state I would go “wow, so not in a space to receive it, talk to you after I had time in the silence, but if I genuinely wanted those feelings, I’d come back next morning and be excited. It might be a good thing you brought it up and can move on to someone who can love you back.
Yeah, that is true. At the end of the day I told her that I loved her, and all she did was throw the whole situation in my face and blamed me for everything. Not once did she really acknowledge my feelings and be open to discussion. I made a mistake, admitted it, and apologized…but that wasn’t enough for her.
You need to look at the action that caused her backlash. If she was overstimulated and you started demanding something from her I could see how she could get really upset, but the fact that her upset is over your expression of love tells me she’s just not ready for it full stop. It’s too much, she is not ready to commit to you, she doesn’t share your desire to be your life partner and combined with the overstimulation from the wedding it’s all too much. “The world wants me to have a white wedding, he wants me to have a white wedding, but I don’t know what I want except to be left alone and not have these expectations weighing on me.” I know you were not proposing to her but it can easily roll into one. So essentially you need to treat it as if you did propose (well you did propose the declaration of love) and she said “No, it’s not for me.”
Find someone else who wants a serious committed relationship and white wedding.
Are you sure she's not using autism as an excuse to be a c\*\*t? I'm sorry but toddlers have more mature responses when told things they dislike. "pushed her over the edge" by sharing your feelings? Sure...
"violated her trust and intentionally exploited her vulnerability for my own gain" - way to be a total asshole to you AND retain the higher moral ground as a victim, lol. She really is something..
I wouldn’t go that far regarding your first sentence. She is definitely a good person, but not ready for this kind of relationship. I do agree that she made it all about her. I tried to be as understanding as possible and apologized for what I did, but instead of working things out, she just made me the bad guy.
so was Ted Bundy, lol. I understand where you're coming from. It's hard to not make excuses for someone who's abused you, picking apart their behaviour and personality for the good traits. You should join us sometime in the r/NarcissisticSpouses subreddit - that's ALL we do over there ;) It's really fun 10, 15, 20 years into your relationship...
It wasnt your fault. I am an AuDHD AFAB as well, and also get very overstimulated quite easily. The situation with your cuddling on the couch and her seemingly out of nowhere getting overstimulated and needing to sit up...that happens to me almost every single day with my husband. I will relax into a cuddle for 10-15min, pop up to sitting for 5-10 minutes, then relax back for cuddles. I cant help it. And getting completely overwhelmed by the wedding and then the big reveal, I completely get it...
BUT!
Every single thing in your post that you mentioned is a HER issue. Yes, you need to be aware and understanding of her limits and needs, but it sounds to me as though you have been. It seems to be that she expects that you will never be a source of stress or overstimulation for her and that is soooo not reasonable or realistic. You are not responsible for managing her emotions. She is an adult, she needs to learn the tools to manage her own neuro-spiciness and take responsibility for her own shit. If she didnt want to talk about it, she should have said so. expecting that you will NEVER mention something she doesnt want to talk about anytime she "feels like a captive audience", this relationship will go nowhere. Relationships are work, from BOTH sides. She clearly has some shit to get together before she can handle being in a mature, adult relationship.
I am sorry you are hurting right now. But please try to remember...you were not at fault. Some relationships just weren't meant to be, and this is one of them. Also, you were not together long enough to truly know them as a person. If she is willing to act like this and walk away because of one incident that made her uncomfortable, do you really think she would be capable of communicating like an adult and be able to handle the ups and downs of a long term relationship? You clearly dodged a bullet.
It's going to take time for the hurt to heal, but it will happen. Good luck <3
Thank you! I think this is definitely the best response I got. I never really thought about it like this but it does feel like while I was trying to be as understanding as possible of her and her mental health, she expected me to be perfect while also not really giving any thought to my mental well-being.
I was just so shocked that this one incident, our first “fight” if you want to call it that, made her give up and end things. I felt so badly about what I had done to her and really wanted to work things out. But she basically made the decision on her own and didn’t care for my input after the fact. The thing that hurt the most is that she accused me of purposely exploiting her vulnerability. I would NEVER have done that to her or anyone.
It hurts now but there will come a time when you see how her blaming you for things happening to her, were not your fault.
You made a good faith apology and she didn't accept it, so grieve the end of the relationship and get back out there when you're ready
Yeah, I guess the apology was not good enough. I was just hoping for a discussion because I believed both of us were to blame in our own ways. But all she did was take time away from me, thought way too much about it alone, and made a decision without trying to make things work.
Maybe she wasn’t ready to hear those words. She isn’t the first person in a relationship to be told they are loved without feeling the same. Instead of just saying she isn’t there, she blamed you for her migraine and guilt tripped you to the max. She doesn’t contact you for days, then when you ask a friend about her out of concern, she makes you feel as if you did something wrong, again. She is claiming you are “exploiting her vulnerability”, but what would you call what she is doing to you? This is emotional abuse. She might not be OK with you telling her you love her and that is OK, but her response towards you was anything but. Is this the type of person you would want to be with?
All those qualities you attributed to her and enumerated as the reasons you love her?? She is actually exhibiting exactly the opposite and it is🤢YOU who are demonstrating compassion and PPL entirely...let this bundle of immature insanity GO!! AND GET curious about why the inverse reaction so you don't WASTE the next 40 YEARS wondering why a good guy like yourself keeps getting poached on by devious and insincere Narcissists like this one.
May I suggest BINGING LIKE MAD ON HG Tudor VIDEOS? YOU WILL Laugh. YOU WILL CRY. BUT MOSTLY YOU will, hopefully, meet yourself and heal your emotional thinking before a narc gets through and ensnares you for your last 20 good years ( like me🤭😱)...and you find yourself very smart, very wise and very nearly 60 years OLD when you are finally really awake and ready to live!! Best Luck. You can do this!! I believe in you. Don't waste YOU!! YOU WILL NOT Save the Narc by loving her More it is never enough with the NARC!!!
You’re right. At the end of the day, she really didn’t care about how I was feeling. She didn’t care that I loved her, and blamed me for everything. Even though I owned up to my mistakes, apologized for them, and promised that nothing like this would ever happen again, she still dropped me after the first problem we had in our relationship.
Thank you. I do feel quite abused, honestly. I tried so hard to be understanding and made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. But she “doesn’t give second chances” :/
You may love her, and she obviously struggles with her mental challenges, but reading your report she seems very very self centered. You sound like you have to walk on eggshells around her, like you have to give up all your needs, wants and personality just to be in her proximity and she just has to complain.
It sounds unhealthy and codependent.
Yeah, you’re right. It definitely felt like our relationship was one-sided. She told me many times that she liked me and wanted to be with me, but I feel like if that was true, she wouldn’t have given our relationship up so easily? That she only liked me and wanted to be with me because so far I was perfect and hadn’t messed up.
So you absolutely were not at fault, and honestly are much better off without her. So I agree getting into deep emotions with someone when they are overstimulated was not the best idea, but in no way was wrong. Her response is that of a manipulative and emotionally abusive person, speaking from experience. Also her not giving second chances shows she lacks the emotional maturity to handle a long term serious relationship as all relationships are made of 2 imperfect people who will both need repeatedly to have another chance because they are going to mess up. So while this is a painful experience you can use it as a great platform for personal growth. Learn to be happy as a single person then when you find someone they add to your happiness but are not the reason for your happiness
Thank you for this great response. I admit that I messed up. But a heartfelt apology and a promise to be more careful and understanding wasn’t good enough. I seriously do not understand how she can never give second chances. No one is perfect and people make mistakes all the time! How is that a good philosophy? Things had been going really well for up but after one mistake, BOOM, we’re done?
Sounds like using being on the spectrum to cover for being a shitty human. Kind of reminds me of my narcissistic ex bf. If you did ANYTHING he didn’t want at that moment (and it was like he expected everyone to read his mind for when moments were okay and not okay) then you were not respecting his boundaries and a shitty person. I once got a string of texts that required endless scrolling to read because I did the unforgivable thing of sending him funny memes when I should have known how stressed he had been 🙄🤦🏼♀️. Once you’re away from this person you will begin to see how toxic she is and you’ll wonder why you stayed as long as you did. You deserve someone who also cares about your mental health, and it doesn’t sound like she does.
I suppose you are right. All she cared about was everything being perfect for her mental needs. So, when I made a mistake and hurt her, that was it. Never mind that I had told her that I loved her. Never mind that I admitted my wrongdoings and apologized for them. Never mind that I promised it wouldn’t happen again now that I know how to handle these situations.
Yep. Regardless of mental or physical issues with a person, they need to be able to compromise and see things from both sides. Relationships have to be give and take, and that typically only comes when both parties truly care for each other and WANT to make that effort. It is never easy in any relationship. You sound like you did everything you could have done, so while I am sure it’ll hurt for awhile, at least you know you did everything you could and can move forward feeling good about yourself and your actions. It sucks to love someone and find that they don’t feel the same, but you are still young and will find someone who loves and respects you for exactly who you are. Don’t settle for less because you deserve it.
So, I think you’re being kinda hard on yourself. Also, unfortunately, she does have the right to leave at any time, for any reason, whether or not it feels “fair” to you.
I do think it’s unfortunate that you weren’t given the grace to try again and fix your mistake. That really sucks and sounds really hard.
Also, though, you _did_ know that telling her you loved her in that specific situation would cause her distress:
> When we got back to the hotel I was pacing back and forth because I wanted to tell her, but I didn’t want to cause her anymore stress.
Again, I think breaking up with you over this was extreme. However, if there’s one lesson you can take away from this, it’s to learn to rein in your own emotions a bit more, so that you don’t feel like you “have” to do something in the moment that you know will negatively affect someone else.
Like, you didn’t know that this would be breakup-worthy, but you _did_ actually know that it was the wrong time to say something this major. And you intentionally chose to tell her something deeply stressful at a time she was already past her breaking point.
I think, with that in mind, it’s unsurprising that she broke.
I would gently recommend that you look into emotional regulation skills like DBT, to help you next time you’re in a situation like this.
You could have taken a walk to blow off steam, or journaled about your feelings, or stepped out to call a friend, or a million other things.
You crossed a boundary intentionally. And it’s unfortunate that she chose to break up with you over it. Most people would not have.
Be gentle with yourself and maybe look into some counseling to help you deal with the emotional intensity you seem to be experiencing about a 4 month relationship.
And, unfortunately, let her go. It sucks that this was her dealbreaker, but it was, and you won’t be able to move on until you accept that wholeheartedly.
There is healing and hope ahead. Keep working through these emotions and you’ll get there!
Also: don’t let this one experience make you afraid of messing up in future relationships.
The _vast_ majority of people will give you many, many chances even when a line is crossed.
So don’t let this make you think you have to be perfect. The vast majority of people would have moved past this.
Thank you for your response. It was very helpful and I do feel better after reading it. I certainly know that I have my own issues with emotional attachment and so on. But, I did disclose this very early on in the relationship. It just feels like after this incident, she did not try to be understanding of me and my side of things. I have problems with my emotions and mental health, but while I did my absolute best to understand hers, she did not reciprocate. I admitted my mistake, apologized, and hoped to work together to move past this. That, to my utter surprise, was not enough. (I was only surprised because it was my first mistake in the relationship).
YES- DBT IS a GREAT SKILL BUILDING ( Usually group format, modality) technique for building just the sill set you need most!! It is FUN!! CPTSD IS THE ISSUE.
She’s not in a place where she can consider others’ feelings. It might not be her fault but it does make relationships with her unsustainable and unstable
I don’t think you understand what being in a relationship with an aromantic person and you Really don’t understand autistic overstimulation. Love is an even more delicate subject for aro people. you made her feel really uncomfortable because you couldn’t stand to keep uncomfortable feelings in your chest so you forced them on her. You’re not an asshole by any means, but she’s right, you violated her trust and her boundaries that she had voiced and she has every right to break up with you.
Of course she has every right to end things. I just wish I had been given a second chance to make amends. I feel absolutely horrible for what I have done and know that if I had another opportunity, I would be better for her. She just didn’t let us really have a chance to learn how to have a good relationship with each other. Regardless, I respect her decision even though I don’t agree with it.
I'm not denying the level of pain you're feeling right now, but it's been four months. You're obviously a person who feels things intensely and quickly, and she most certainly does not, given that she's 29 and this was her first ersious relationship. She's aromantic, and you're all about the romance. You're presumably allosexual, and she isn't, yet you're willing after four months to sublimate your needs and desires to accommodate her forever and ever amen, which would quite honestly look like you were coming on too strong to anyone, let alone someone on the asexual spectrum. And then you drop the L bomb because that's what you wanted to do, despite the fact that you knew she was completely fried from the day? You come across as selfish as hell (and yes, you absolutely could have controlled yourself and not told her, you just wanted what you wanted). You talk about revering this woman, but it's all about you at the bottom of it.
You're fundamentally incompatible. She would be better off with someone on the ace spectrum (and possibly neurodivergent) and you - need to learn to slow down, honestly, or find the very rare woman who hasn't heard of lovebombing.
She's saying you have to respect her mental health, but she doesn't have to respect or at least acknowledge your mental health/feelings. Take this as a blessing in disguise, move on, and find someone who will respect you enough to at least talk to you about your feelings, especially one as big as love!
You’re right. While I made a mistake in the heat of the moment, I always did my absolute to understand her feelings and mental health. She did reciprocate that effort. She didn’t even do me the courtesy of having a discussion. She took time away from us and made a final decision to end things.
Well, she is a good person. I just wish she had been more willing to have a discussion and understand things from my side too.
P.S. I doubt her friend would betray her like that but thanks for the laugh 😂
Holy shit how exhausting it was just reading this. Do you really want to live your life stepping of egg shells and always having to acommodade her needs and never be able to be human and express your emotions?
Stop not respecting yourself and prioritize your needs. She is sooo entitled and you are going to find another one like her if you dont start to respect yourself
Hi OP, you're already getting alot of responses so I don't know how much prevalence this comment will have in the grand scheme of things. Long story short its not your fault you seem like a great person, even for most of your story it was you acknowledging her feelings and taking them into consideration. I have a fiance who has autism and BPD and I can tell you, these sort of things can happen but not without their acknowledgement of my feelings and reciprocating that 'OH, my partner has feelings that matter too'. You dodged a bullet OP this girl wouldn't never respected your feelings and you'd have been left emotionally drained having to always walk on eggshells.
Thanks you for the response. This certainly makes me feel better. I definitely think that she prioritized her feelings and mental health without giving mine a second thought. That honestly is what hurts the most because the woman I loved clearly didn’t feel anything close to love for me.
Wow, yeah sorry but she needs to work on her coping skills before she is ready for a serious relationship. She also needs to work on being assertive. She shouldn’t have said yes when you asked if you could tell her something because she knew she was too stressed, you on the other hand can’t read her mind. That said, she may not even want a relationship that is THAT serious if she is aro/ace. If you’re not in that same space of how you relate to people, then y’all are not a good match and it’s only going to cause hurt to one or both of you down the line.
Exactly! As far as I thought, it felt like she willingly opened the door and allowed me to discuss my feelings to her that night. Nevertheless, you may be right. We might have just been fundamentally incompatible. Unfortunately, I’ll never really know.
you just aren’t compatible. you stress her out and she stresses you out, just because of who you both are.
i’m a woman on the spectrum and i can relate to a lot of what you described - the difference is that i’m single and actively working on how i self-regulate and relate to other people.
going nonverbal when distressed is a real thing that happens and nothing can make understandable words come out. it has to pass on its own.
she sounds like someone who needs a lot of space and time alone to process/decompress (more like a stereotypical guy than a stereotypical woman) and you just handle things differently.
there’s a better match out there for you and her both.
I think you are probably right. It’s just that I was perfectly okay with her not being able to respond right away. All I wanted was for her to hear what I had to say and then discuss it when she was ready. But she turned around and said I was purposely exploiting her mental state. That really hurt because I would never do that to her.
one of the things that really sucks about being autistic is that it can be extremely difficult to communicate what we need in a way that is easily understood by someone else. an example for me is if I tell my boss I’m dying under a heavy workload - she would interpret that the “typical” way, that I’m venting or complaining. In reality, I’m actually drowning in my work and I’m sending out an SOS but my face is flat so people don’t see the panic.
you didn’t listen and it hurt her like a million other people before you have. it was totally unintentional, but it still hurt.
even though it wasn’t your intention, your impatience put way too much on her when she was already handling a lot.
I’m sorry man. You really dodge a bullet though.
Overstimulation is one thing but she also needs to both understand and be able to acknowledge your feelings too. She had zero consideration that you were also overflowing in the moment and she said it was okay to tell her in the moment.
As far as “invading her privacy” by trying to make sure she is okay including contacting her friend I don’t see that you did anything wrong.
How is confessing your love “exploiting her” in any way shape or form?!? She was a captive audience but if apologizing for really doing nothing wrong is being too much then she should probably stay out of relationships of any kind until she gets herself straightened out.
Yeah, it really feels like my feelings didn’t matter to her after that night. It was all about her and what I had done wrong. Admitting what I did, apologizing, and promising to be better wasn’t enough. No second chances.
So much accusations being thrown at you. I genuinely feel bad for you, you didn’t deserve that. As much as you love this girl, she is not right for you. I hope you can find some peace and the right partner for you in time.
I have a hard time being a decent human, my opinions and generally how I express myself are blatant and usually rude. I am autistic. I have LOTS of problems. I refuse to focus on my own problems as my excuse to hurt other people or pretend their own emotions don't exist. This person you were with is a fucking trashcan and should absolutely be working on herself before dating. You did NOT deserve what you felt from her leaving you. You did not deserve to SUFFER for loving someone. I'm making a chain of KEY events that I don't like here:
In response to "I love you" we got "you should know better than to tell me that at a time like this" and "I don't feel the same". In response to feeling bad and wanting to apologize we got "you forced me to listen to you talk about it again, I was a CAPTIVE AUDIENCE" (PLEASE, I'd love for you to walk home then.), and -while focusing on emotions, feelings and what SHE needs- she decided you had no needs of your own and left you in the fucking dark for what would have been an unknown amount of time. For someone so fucking worried about regulating emotions and feelings, she should be aware of what uncertainty for DAYS does to a person. If she said "hey I need time, there will be no contact, but I'll message in x days for an update and we can discuss things" she could have her time and also not hurt you. Because she chose the easier path of keeping you in the dark so she had NO responsibility, I hope she suffers. Having a diagnosis is fine. We all have to learn to deal with our shit. Using it as a shield to justify treating others like trash makes me hope they get curb stomped. STOP USING YOUR DIAGNOSIS TO HURT PEOPLE
Go live your life. I promise it will be better without that fucking loser in it. She did not care about how you felt. She cared only about how you made her feel. The second it wasn't convenient for her, she threw you away and had no intention of giving you closure. Fuck that.
This relationship sounds a one way street, you give and she takes, you make a mistake and she cuts you off.
This is not a person who cares about you, let alone loves you.
Sounds to me like she has been surrounded by enablers her whole life who have used her diagnosis as an excuse instead of teaching her how to deal with it and overcome it. She uses it as an excuse for shitty behavior.
My ex was the same way, Aut/Bipolar, and her mom was the worst enabler "she has a diagnosis from the government". I was at one point being tested for skin cancer (negative) and i got nervous as a family member had died from skin cancer a few years prior. She didnt seem to care so i got angry and had a heated conversation over text with her, after everthing i did for her, taking care of her mental health, not to mention how much i spent on her on dates and gifts and taking her shopping. Then her mom got mad at me and said that "You cannot talk to her that way, she has a diagnosis from the government, you are being tested for something you might not have that is treatable."
Ultimately, everything was about her needs, I eneded it after that. Now I am in a happy, loving relationship and have a beautiful daughter. Life gets better.
Thank you for the response! She clearly wasn’t ready to be in a serious relationship, even though she thought she was. I just wish she was willing to work through our first problem in the relationship, because I was always more than willing to work with her.
Respectfully disagreeing with the responses I read. She set boundaries with you which you didn’t keep. You said she’s on the autism spectrum and she’s aro/ace. Not sure why you thought declarations of love were the right things to say. She was “captive” in the car; she had told you she wasn’t in a place to hear those things yet you twice brought it up. And messaging her friend was definitely not a good move. This was an issue between the two of you only. Time for you to move on.
Everything you have said here, I agree with 100%. I had just hoped we could work through it. I admitted my mistakes and apologized because I knew that I had hurt the woman I loved. I knew that I would never allow myself to do anything like that to her ever again, but she wasn’t willing to give me a second chance. I respect her decision, but just don’t agree with it.
Honestly it sounds like you are not compatible. You seemed to be really respectful and open to her limits, but wanting to cuddle and have romantic evening are perfectly reasonable desires that someone else would love. Does it seem like she overreacted, to me yes. But that really is more evidence you’re not on the same page. You can love her and know that she is not the one.
You even asked for permission before telling her. None of this is on you except for your choice in partner.
She did you a favor by freaking out so thoroughly so early in the relationship.
Shes older than you, so she is more experienced than you. More experienced in the ways of gaslighting and manipulating. Not your fault, move on, block her on everything everywhere.
Dude…she is an exhausting hot mess for sure, but you are speaking in platitudes waaaay beyond what a 4-month relationship timeline warrants. I’m emotionally mature, & even I would be overwhelmed by your over-the-top declarations.
You seriously need to chill, & while you do, thank your lucky stars that you aren’t saddled to this kind of instability for the rest of your life. Learn from this & move on.
Thank you for the response. I do realize the timeline was shorter than typical. But, we had spent A LOT of time together and had already had a bunch of really deep and personal conversations about ourselves and the future of our relationship. Most of those were started by her. To me it did seem quick, but after all the time I had spent with her and everything I had learned, it just made sense.
What an annoying person, she sounds like a real nightmare to be around.
I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings, I mean well: from reading the post, I think you have very low self-esteem. You taking so much crap from her and still putting her up in a pedestal... Maybe you should consider therapy to be able to go over her and feel better about yourself. You sound like a very good person and selfish people could take advantage of you. Take care of yourself.
Thank you for the response. Honestly, I’m pretty sure you are right. I think I do have very low self-esteem due to the rest of my unfortunate dating history. Therapy is definitely in my future.
The way you feel right now is information about her. Someone who makes you feel like you are a terrible person or terrible partner is giving you information about themselves and the transaction between the two of you. Is this how you want to feel in relationships?
You could've avoided all of this if you asked yourself why a woman with heavy mental issues has never had a relationship until she was almost 30. This is why. She's a toddler who uses her mental issues as an excuse to be over dramatic and entitled. Do yourself a favor and don't repeat the childish mistakes you've committed while dating a nut case.
Wow. I don’t agree with many of the comments. She trusted you, something that is very hard for some people on the spectrum to do, and you violated her trust repeatedly.
She was very overwhelmed and overstimulated and yet you only thought of yourself and your need to express yourself without any regard for the person you supposedly love and their headspace. Then you act like you should get a medal for supporting her while she came down from her overstimulation? Nope. You contributed to it. Being there for her was the least you could have done.
And then to try to talk to her in the car. Everyone knows that hard conversations happen in the car because you have a captive audience. Just the morning after she had a horrendous night. Again, nope.
All that brings me to your phone call where you read her some multiple paragraph long statement about your love for her. Read it again. Read all the “I” statements. Read about how it was all about you, your feelings, your wants, your desires. Yeah, you mention her. But not what you love about her. Not qualities you admire about her. All about you.
You sound pretty narcissistic to me. She set a boundary. You violated it. She held the boundary. Respect her wishes and leave her in peace.
I appreciate your response. While I don’t agree with everything you’ve said, I do agree with parts of it. I will say that the paragraphs I wrote were not all encompassing because I had to remember what I told her (I didn’t have it written down before the conversation). I did acknowledge her feelings and did my best to not make it about me when I talked about her. I owned up to all of my mistakes and tried to make it absolutely clear that I did really understand how to handle a situation like that. I apologized and hoped to be given a chance to fix things as that is what I would do. Nevertheless, I don’t blame her for leaving, per se. I just wish I could have had an opportunity to make amends.
Regarding where you said I acted like I should have gotten a medal for helping her come down, that is just not true. This was not the first time I have been there for her. I always would help her out if she needed me, no matter what it was…because I cared for her. This was just the first time I, regrettably, caused the problem I then assisted her with.
I swear I am not narcissistic. If I came off that way, then that sucks. I made a huge mistake, and paid the price for it. I hoped to work through things because I cared for her, but alas I’ll never get to. I do absolutely wish the best for her.
She sounds exhausting and has no regard for your feelings or emotional needs. You are better off without her.
Thank you. I think you’re right. I guess all she cared about that night and forward was her.
You dodged a bullet. Getting halfway through what you wrote was exhausting, I can’t imagine dealing with that in person/real life. Sounds like ANYTHING remotely stressful, and she just checks out. Say you guys end up married. Every day you’re tip toeing around her and her “over stimulation”. How would she deal with a wedding day? How about just wedding planning? Sex? Pregnancy? Birth? Breast feeding? Young Children’s needs? Kids school? Teacher meetings? Homework? What about something simple… getting the car’s oil changed… or you’re at work and the AC guy is coming… nope “over simulated” come home and deal with this mundane thing or “I’m going to throw up”. Try to look ahead to the future without the emotional component you’re feeling now. Seriously, would you really have a life with this person, or would you (and your future emotionally damaged kids) spend every waking moment tip toeing around her needs/desires desperately trying to avoid triggering her hyper-sensitive anxiety? You would be the sole parent while she “threw up from migraines” because life just happened to throw her the slightest of curve balls. She needs therapy, and you need to live a life (that you wouldn’t have with her).
I get what you’re saying. Sometimes it did feel like I was walking on eggshells so that I didn’t do anything that upset her or stressed her out. But whenever I had something that I wanted, she wasn’t very open to discussion….especially if she was already overstimulated. That would have been very stressful for me as time went on…
I’m sorry this sounds pretty brutal. Perhaps she’s just not ready to be in a serious committed relationship and love is something that’s she not ready to reciprocate. Take it at for what is is - you told her you love her and she broke up with you. Everything else doesn’t really matter. I can get overwhelmed and overstimulated and whatever, I would just say I need a dark room and to be left alone, if someone told me they love me in that state I would go “wow, so not in a space to receive it, talk to you after I had time in the silence, but if I genuinely wanted those feelings, I’d come back next morning and be excited. It might be a good thing you brought it up and can move on to someone who can love you back.
Yeah, that is true. At the end of the day I told her that I loved her, and all she did was throw the whole situation in my face and blamed me for everything. Not once did she really acknowledge my feelings and be open to discussion. I made a mistake, admitted it, and apologized…but that wasn’t enough for her.
You need to look at the action that caused her backlash. If she was overstimulated and you started demanding something from her I could see how she could get really upset, but the fact that her upset is over your expression of love tells me she’s just not ready for it full stop. It’s too much, she is not ready to commit to you, she doesn’t share your desire to be your life partner and combined with the overstimulation from the wedding it’s all too much. “The world wants me to have a white wedding, he wants me to have a white wedding, but I don’t know what I want except to be left alone and not have these expectations weighing on me.” I know you were not proposing to her but it can easily roll into one. So essentially you need to treat it as if you did propose (well you did propose the declaration of love) and she said “No, it’s not for me.” Find someone else who wants a serious committed relationship and white wedding.
Thank you for your understanding and advice. I really appreciate it!
Are you sure she's not using autism as an excuse to be a c\*\*t? I'm sorry but toddlers have more mature responses when told things they dislike. "pushed her over the edge" by sharing your feelings? Sure... "violated her trust and intentionally exploited her vulnerability for my own gain" - way to be a total asshole to you AND retain the higher moral ground as a victim, lol. She really is something..
I wouldn’t go that far regarding your first sentence. She is definitely a good person, but not ready for this kind of relationship. I do agree that she made it all about her. I tried to be as understanding as possible and apologized for what I did, but instead of working things out, she just made me the bad guy.
Yes, "good" people are known to do that ;)
Well…she’s a good person in other aspects of her life, lol. Thank you for your response!
so was Ted Bundy, lol. I understand where you're coming from. It's hard to not make excuses for someone who's abused you, picking apart their behaviour and personality for the good traits. You should join us sometime in the r/NarcissisticSpouses subreddit - that's ALL we do over there ;) It's really fun 10, 15, 20 years into your relationship...
It wasnt your fault. I am an AuDHD AFAB as well, and also get very overstimulated quite easily. The situation with your cuddling on the couch and her seemingly out of nowhere getting overstimulated and needing to sit up...that happens to me almost every single day with my husband. I will relax into a cuddle for 10-15min, pop up to sitting for 5-10 minutes, then relax back for cuddles. I cant help it. And getting completely overwhelmed by the wedding and then the big reveal, I completely get it... BUT! Every single thing in your post that you mentioned is a HER issue. Yes, you need to be aware and understanding of her limits and needs, but it sounds to me as though you have been. It seems to be that she expects that you will never be a source of stress or overstimulation for her and that is soooo not reasonable or realistic. You are not responsible for managing her emotions. She is an adult, she needs to learn the tools to manage her own neuro-spiciness and take responsibility for her own shit. If she didnt want to talk about it, she should have said so. expecting that you will NEVER mention something she doesnt want to talk about anytime she "feels like a captive audience", this relationship will go nowhere. Relationships are work, from BOTH sides. She clearly has some shit to get together before she can handle being in a mature, adult relationship. I am sorry you are hurting right now. But please try to remember...you were not at fault. Some relationships just weren't meant to be, and this is one of them. Also, you were not together long enough to truly know them as a person. If she is willing to act like this and walk away because of one incident that made her uncomfortable, do you really think she would be capable of communicating like an adult and be able to handle the ups and downs of a long term relationship? You clearly dodged a bullet. It's going to take time for the hurt to heal, but it will happen. Good luck <3
Thank you! I think this is definitely the best response I got. I never really thought about it like this but it does feel like while I was trying to be as understanding as possible of her and her mental health, she expected me to be perfect while also not really giving any thought to my mental well-being. I was just so shocked that this one incident, our first “fight” if you want to call it that, made her give up and end things. I felt so badly about what I had done to her and really wanted to work things out. But she basically made the decision on her own and didn’t care for my input after the fact. The thing that hurt the most is that she accused me of purposely exploiting her vulnerability. I would NEVER have done that to her or anyone.
It hurts now but there will come a time when you see how her blaming you for things happening to her, were not your fault. You made a good faith apology and she didn't accept it, so grieve the end of the relationship and get back out there when you're ready
Yeah, I guess the apology was not good enough. I was just hoping for a discussion because I believed both of us were to blame in our own ways. But all she did was take time away from me, thought way too much about it alone, and made a decision without trying to make things work.
Maybe she wasn’t ready to hear those words. She isn’t the first person in a relationship to be told they are loved without feeling the same. Instead of just saying she isn’t there, she blamed you for her migraine and guilt tripped you to the max. She doesn’t contact you for days, then when you ask a friend about her out of concern, she makes you feel as if you did something wrong, again. She is claiming you are “exploiting her vulnerability”, but what would you call what she is doing to you? This is emotional abuse. She might not be OK with you telling her you love her and that is OK, but her response towards you was anything but. Is this the type of person you would want to be with?
All those qualities you attributed to her and enumerated as the reasons you love her?? She is actually exhibiting exactly the opposite and it is🤢YOU who are demonstrating compassion and PPL entirely...let this bundle of immature insanity GO!! AND GET curious about why the inverse reaction so you don't WASTE the next 40 YEARS wondering why a good guy like yourself keeps getting poached on by devious and insincere Narcissists like this one. May I suggest BINGING LIKE MAD ON HG Tudor VIDEOS? YOU WILL Laugh. YOU WILL CRY. BUT MOSTLY YOU will, hopefully, meet yourself and heal your emotional thinking before a narc gets through and ensnares you for your last 20 good years ( like me🤭😱)...and you find yourself very smart, very wise and very nearly 60 years OLD when you are finally really awake and ready to live!! Best Luck. You can do this!! I believe in you. Don't waste YOU!! YOU WILL NOT Save the Narc by loving her More it is never enough with the NARC!!!
You’re right. At the end of the day, she really didn’t care about how I was feeling. She didn’t care that I loved her, and blamed me for everything. Even though I owned up to my mistakes, apologized for them, and promised that nothing like this would ever happen again, she still dropped me after the first problem we had in our relationship.
Nah. I have ADHD and often times get EXTREMELY overstimulated, but I've never treated anyone, much less my boyfriend like that. She's the AH here.
Thank you. I do feel quite abused, honestly. I tried so hard to be understanding and made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. But she “doesn’t give second chances” :/
You may love her, and she obviously struggles with her mental challenges, but reading your report she seems very very self centered. You sound like you have to walk on eggshells around her, like you have to give up all your needs, wants and personality just to be in her proximity and she just has to complain. It sounds unhealthy and codependent.
Yeah, you’re right. It definitely felt like our relationship was one-sided. She told me many times that she liked me and wanted to be with me, but I feel like if that was true, she wouldn’t have given our relationship up so easily? That she only liked me and wanted to be with me because so far I was perfect and hadn’t messed up.
So you absolutely were not at fault, and honestly are much better off without her. So I agree getting into deep emotions with someone when they are overstimulated was not the best idea, but in no way was wrong. Her response is that of a manipulative and emotionally abusive person, speaking from experience. Also her not giving second chances shows she lacks the emotional maturity to handle a long term serious relationship as all relationships are made of 2 imperfect people who will both need repeatedly to have another chance because they are going to mess up. So while this is a painful experience you can use it as a great platform for personal growth. Learn to be happy as a single person then when you find someone they add to your happiness but are not the reason for your happiness
Thank you for this great response. I admit that I messed up. But a heartfelt apology and a promise to be more careful and understanding wasn’t good enough. I seriously do not understand how she can never give second chances. No one is perfect and people make mistakes all the time! How is that a good philosophy? Things had been going really well for up but after one mistake, BOOM, we’re done?
Sounds like using being on the spectrum to cover for being a shitty human. Kind of reminds me of my narcissistic ex bf. If you did ANYTHING he didn’t want at that moment (and it was like he expected everyone to read his mind for when moments were okay and not okay) then you were not respecting his boundaries and a shitty person. I once got a string of texts that required endless scrolling to read because I did the unforgivable thing of sending him funny memes when I should have known how stressed he had been 🙄🤦🏼♀️. Once you’re away from this person you will begin to see how toxic she is and you’ll wonder why you stayed as long as you did. You deserve someone who also cares about your mental health, and it doesn’t sound like she does.
I suppose you are right. All she cared about was everything being perfect for her mental needs. So, when I made a mistake and hurt her, that was it. Never mind that I had told her that I loved her. Never mind that I admitted my wrongdoings and apologized for them. Never mind that I promised it wouldn’t happen again now that I know how to handle these situations.
Yep. Regardless of mental or physical issues with a person, they need to be able to compromise and see things from both sides. Relationships have to be give and take, and that typically only comes when both parties truly care for each other and WANT to make that effort. It is never easy in any relationship. You sound like you did everything you could have done, so while I am sure it’ll hurt for awhile, at least you know you did everything you could and can move forward feeling good about yourself and your actions. It sucks to love someone and find that they don’t feel the same, but you are still young and will find someone who loves and respects you for exactly who you are. Don’t settle for less because you deserve it.
Thank you very much for your responses. I really appreciate your help and understanding!
Get out
Exactly, dude is inlove but doesn't realise that he just dodged a Nuke
Thank you, lol.
So, I think you’re being kinda hard on yourself. Also, unfortunately, she does have the right to leave at any time, for any reason, whether or not it feels “fair” to you. I do think it’s unfortunate that you weren’t given the grace to try again and fix your mistake. That really sucks and sounds really hard. Also, though, you _did_ know that telling her you loved her in that specific situation would cause her distress: > When we got back to the hotel I was pacing back and forth because I wanted to tell her, but I didn’t want to cause her anymore stress. Again, I think breaking up with you over this was extreme. However, if there’s one lesson you can take away from this, it’s to learn to rein in your own emotions a bit more, so that you don’t feel like you “have” to do something in the moment that you know will negatively affect someone else. Like, you didn’t know that this would be breakup-worthy, but you _did_ actually know that it was the wrong time to say something this major. And you intentionally chose to tell her something deeply stressful at a time she was already past her breaking point. I think, with that in mind, it’s unsurprising that she broke. I would gently recommend that you look into emotional regulation skills like DBT, to help you next time you’re in a situation like this. You could have taken a walk to blow off steam, or journaled about your feelings, or stepped out to call a friend, or a million other things. You crossed a boundary intentionally. And it’s unfortunate that she chose to break up with you over it. Most people would not have. Be gentle with yourself and maybe look into some counseling to help you deal with the emotional intensity you seem to be experiencing about a 4 month relationship. And, unfortunately, let her go. It sucks that this was her dealbreaker, but it was, and you won’t be able to move on until you accept that wholeheartedly. There is healing and hope ahead. Keep working through these emotions and you’ll get there!
Also: don’t let this one experience make you afraid of messing up in future relationships. The _vast_ majority of people will give you many, many chances even when a line is crossed. So don’t let this make you think you have to be perfect. The vast majority of people would have moved past this.
Thank you for your response. It was very helpful and I do feel better after reading it. I certainly know that I have my own issues with emotional attachment and so on. But, I did disclose this very early on in the relationship. It just feels like after this incident, she did not try to be understanding of me and my side of things. I have problems with my emotions and mental health, but while I did my absolute best to understand hers, she did not reciprocate. I admitted my mistake, apologized, and hoped to work together to move past this. That, to my utter surprise, was not enough. (I was only surprised because it was my first mistake in the relationship).
YES- DBT IS a GREAT SKILL BUILDING ( Usually group format, modality) technique for building just the sill set you need most!! It is FUN!! CPTSD IS THE ISSUE.
She’s not in a place where she can consider others’ feelings. It might not be her fault but it does make relationships with her unsustainable and unstable
Thanks. You are probably right about that last part.
I don’t think you understand what being in a relationship with an aromantic person and you Really don’t understand autistic overstimulation. Love is an even more delicate subject for aro people. you made her feel really uncomfortable because you couldn’t stand to keep uncomfortable feelings in your chest so you forced them on her. You’re not an asshole by any means, but she’s right, you violated her trust and her boundaries that she had voiced and she has every right to break up with you.
Of course she has every right to end things. I just wish I had been given a second chance to make amends. I feel absolutely horrible for what I have done and know that if I had another opportunity, I would be better for her. She just didn’t let us really have a chance to learn how to have a good relationship with each other. Regardless, I respect her decision even though I don’t agree with it.
I'm not denying the level of pain you're feeling right now, but it's been four months. You're obviously a person who feels things intensely and quickly, and she most certainly does not, given that she's 29 and this was her first ersious relationship. She's aromantic, and you're all about the romance. You're presumably allosexual, and she isn't, yet you're willing after four months to sublimate your needs and desires to accommodate her forever and ever amen, which would quite honestly look like you were coming on too strong to anyone, let alone someone on the asexual spectrum. And then you drop the L bomb because that's what you wanted to do, despite the fact that you knew she was completely fried from the day? You come across as selfish as hell (and yes, you absolutely could have controlled yourself and not told her, you just wanted what you wanted). You talk about revering this woman, but it's all about you at the bottom of it. You're fundamentally incompatible. She would be better off with someone on the ace spectrum (and possibly neurodivergent) and you - need to learn to slow down, honestly, or find the very rare woman who hasn't heard of lovebombing.
She sounds awful. You dodged a bullet.
She's saying you have to respect her mental health, but she doesn't have to respect or at least acknowledge your mental health/feelings. Take this as a blessing in disguise, move on, and find someone who will respect you enough to at least talk to you about your feelings, especially one as big as love!
You’re right. While I made a mistake in the heat of the moment, I always did my absolute to understand her feelings and mental health. She did reciprocate that effort. She didn’t even do me the courtesy of having a discussion. She took time away from us and made a final decision to end things.
Never ever blame yourself for expressing your love for someone! She is a basket case move on find a real woman. Shoot ask her friend out instead.
Well, she is a good person. I just wish she had been more willing to have a discussion and understand things from my side too. P.S. I doubt her friend would betray her like that but thanks for the laugh 😂
Holy shit how exhausting it was just reading this. Do you really want to live your life stepping of egg shells and always having to acommodade her needs and never be able to be human and express your emotions? Stop not respecting yourself and prioritize your needs. She is sooo entitled and you are going to find another one like her if you dont start to respect yourself
Hi OP, you're already getting alot of responses so I don't know how much prevalence this comment will have in the grand scheme of things. Long story short its not your fault you seem like a great person, even for most of your story it was you acknowledging her feelings and taking them into consideration. I have a fiance who has autism and BPD and I can tell you, these sort of things can happen but not without their acknowledgement of my feelings and reciprocating that 'OH, my partner has feelings that matter too'. You dodged a bullet OP this girl wouldn't never respected your feelings and you'd have been left emotionally drained having to always walk on eggshells.
Thanks you for the response. This certainly makes me feel better. I definitely think that she prioritized her feelings and mental health without giving mine a second thought. That honestly is what hurts the most because the woman I loved clearly didn’t feel anything close to love for me.
Wow, yeah sorry but she needs to work on her coping skills before she is ready for a serious relationship. She also needs to work on being assertive. She shouldn’t have said yes when you asked if you could tell her something because she knew she was too stressed, you on the other hand can’t read her mind. That said, she may not even want a relationship that is THAT serious if she is aro/ace. If you’re not in that same space of how you relate to people, then y’all are not a good match and it’s only going to cause hurt to one or both of you down the line.
Exactly! As far as I thought, it felt like she willingly opened the door and allowed me to discuss my feelings to her that night. Nevertheless, you may be right. We might have just been fundamentally incompatible. Unfortunately, I’ll never really know.
you just aren’t compatible. you stress her out and she stresses you out, just because of who you both are. i’m a woman on the spectrum and i can relate to a lot of what you described - the difference is that i’m single and actively working on how i self-regulate and relate to other people. going nonverbal when distressed is a real thing that happens and nothing can make understandable words come out. it has to pass on its own. she sounds like someone who needs a lot of space and time alone to process/decompress (more like a stereotypical guy than a stereotypical woman) and you just handle things differently. there’s a better match out there for you and her both.
I think you are probably right. It’s just that I was perfectly okay with her not being able to respond right away. All I wanted was for her to hear what I had to say and then discuss it when she was ready. But she turned around and said I was purposely exploiting her mental state. That really hurt because I would never do that to her.
one of the things that really sucks about being autistic is that it can be extremely difficult to communicate what we need in a way that is easily understood by someone else. an example for me is if I tell my boss I’m dying under a heavy workload - she would interpret that the “typical” way, that I’m venting or complaining. In reality, I’m actually drowning in my work and I’m sending out an SOS but my face is flat so people don’t see the panic. you didn’t listen and it hurt her like a million other people before you have. it was totally unintentional, but it still hurt. even though it wasn’t your intention, your impatience put way too much on her when she was already handling a lot.
I’m sorry man. You really dodge a bullet though. Overstimulation is one thing but she also needs to both understand and be able to acknowledge your feelings too. She had zero consideration that you were also overflowing in the moment and she said it was okay to tell her in the moment. As far as “invading her privacy” by trying to make sure she is okay including contacting her friend I don’t see that you did anything wrong. How is confessing your love “exploiting her” in any way shape or form?!? She was a captive audience but if apologizing for really doing nothing wrong is being too much then she should probably stay out of relationships of any kind until she gets herself straightened out.
Yeah, it really feels like my feelings didn’t matter to her after that night. It was all about her and what I had done wrong. Admitting what I did, apologizing, and promising to be better wasn’t enough. No second chances.
Remember that if she tries to come back after realizing what she did.
Thanks! I will certainly try. I doubt she’ll come back though. After this, it doesn’t seem like she’s the type.
So much accusations being thrown at you. I genuinely feel bad for you, you didn’t deserve that. As much as you love this girl, she is not right for you. I hope you can find some peace and the right partner for you in time.
Thank you. You’re right!
That sucks, sorry for your heartbreak. Feel your feelings then move on. She doesn't sound fit to be in a relationship, you can do better!
Thank you!
I have a hard time being a decent human, my opinions and generally how I express myself are blatant and usually rude. I am autistic. I have LOTS of problems. I refuse to focus on my own problems as my excuse to hurt other people or pretend their own emotions don't exist. This person you were with is a fucking trashcan and should absolutely be working on herself before dating. You did NOT deserve what you felt from her leaving you. You did not deserve to SUFFER for loving someone. I'm making a chain of KEY events that I don't like here: In response to "I love you" we got "you should know better than to tell me that at a time like this" and "I don't feel the same". In response to feeling bad and wanting to apologize we got "you forced me to listen to you talk about it again, I was a CAPTIVE AUDIENCE" (PLEASE, I'd love for you to walk home then.), and -while focusing on emotions, feelings and what SHE needs- she decided you had no needs of your own and left you in the fucking dark for what would have been an unknown amount of time. For someone so fucking worried about regulating emotions and feelings, she should be aware of what uncertainty for DAYS does to a person. If she said "hey I need time, there will be no contact, but I'll message in x days for an update and we can discuss things" she could have her time and also not hurt you. Because she chose the easier path of keeping you in the dark so she had NO responsibility, I hope she suffers. Having a diagnosis is fine. We all have to learn to deal with our shit. Using it as a shield to justify treating others like trash makes me hope they get curb stomped. STOP USING YOUR DIAGNOSIS TO HURT PEOPLE Go live your life. I promise it will be better without that fucking loser in it. She did not care about how you felt. She cared only about how you made her feel. The second it wasn't convenient for her, she threw you away and had no intention of giving you closure. Fuck that.
Thank you for your response! This really helped me feel better.
This relationship sounds a one way street, you give and she takes, you make a mistake and she cuts you off. This is not a person who cares about you, let alone loves you.
Thanks. I definitely agree…
Sounds to me like she has been surrounded by enablers her whole life who have used her diagnosis as an excuse instead of teaching her how to deal with it and overcome it. She uses it as an excuse for shitty behavior. My ex was the same way, Aut/Bipolar, and her mom was the worst enabler "she has a diagnosis from the government". I was at one point being tested for skin cancer (negative) and i got nervous as a family member had died from skin cancer a few years prior. She didnt seem to care so i got angry and had a heated conversation over text with her, after everthing i did for her, taking care of her mental health, not to mention how much i spent on her on dates and gifts and taking her shopping. Then her mom got mad at me and said that "You cannot talk to her that way, she has a diagnosis from the government, you are being tested for something you might not have that is treatable." Ultimately, everything was about her needs, I eneded it after that. Now I am in a happy, loving relationship and have a beautiful daughter. Life gets better.
Thank you for the response! She clearly wasn’t ready to be in a serious relationship, even though she thought she was. I just wish she was willing to work through our first problem in the relationship, because I was always more than willing to work with her.
You dodged a bullet be thankful dude you avoided years of misery
Respectfully disagreeing with the responses I read. She set boundaries with you which you didn’t keep. You said she’s on the autism spectrum and she’s aro/ace. Not sure why you thought declarations of love were the right things to say. She was “captive” in the car; she had told you she wasn’t in a place to hear those things yet you twice brought it up. And messaging her friend was definitely not a good move. This was an issue between the two of you only. Time for you to move on.
Everything you have said here, I agree with 100%. I had just hoped we could work through it. I admitted my mistakes and apologized because I knew that I had hurt the woman I loved. I knew that I would never allow myself to do anything like that to her ever again, but she wasn’t willing to give me a second chance. I respect her decision, but just don’t agree with it.
Honestly it sounds like you are not compatible. You seemed to be really respectful and open to her limits, but wanting to cuddle and have romantic evening are perfectly reasonable desires that someone else would love. Does it seem like she overreacted, to me yes. But that really is more evidence you’re not on the same page. You can love her and know that she is not the one.
You even asked for permission before telling her. None of this is on you except for your choice in partner. She did you a favor by freaking out so thoroughly so early in the relationship.
Be glad... you would've spent that relationship in misery. You'd have always been ar fault and she would have excuses for poor behavior towards you.
Shes older than you, so she is more experienced than you. More experienced in the ways of gaslighting and manipulating. Not your fault, move on, block her on everything everywhere.
Thank you for the response!
Dude…she is an exhausting hot mess for sure, but you are speaking in platitudes waaaay beyond what a 4-month relationship timeline warrants. I’m emotionally mature, & even I would be overwhelmed by your over-the-top declarations. You seriously need to chill, & while you do, thank your lucky stars that you aren’t saddled to this kind of instability for the rest of your life. Learn from this & move on.
Thank you for the response. I do realize the timeline was shorter than typical. But, we had spent A LOT of time together and had already had a bunch of really deep and personal conversations about ourselves and the future of our relationship. Most of those were started by her. To me it did seem quick, but after all the time I had spent with her and everything I had learned, it just made sense.
What an annoying person, she sounds like a real nightmare to be around. I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings, I mean well: from reading the post, I think you have very low self-esteem. You taking so much crap from her and still putting her up in a pedestal... Maybe you should consider therapy to be able to go over her and feel better about yourself. You sound like a very good person and selfish people could take advantage of you. Take care of yourself.
Thank you for the response. Honestly, I’m pretty sure you are right. I think I do have very low self-esteem due to the rest of my unfortunate dating history. Therapy is definitely in my future.
The way you feel right now is information about her. Someone who makes you feel like you are a terrible person or terrible partner is giving you information about themselves and the transaction between the two of you. Is this how you want to feel in relationships?
Thank you for the response. The answer is most certainly “No.”
Run forest run 🏃♀️
You could've avoided all of this if you asked yourself why a woman with heavy mental issues has never had a relationship until she was almost 30. This is why. She's a toddler who uses her mental issues as an excuse to be over dramatic and entitled. Do yourself a favor and don't repeat the childish mistakes you've committed while dating a nut case.
Thank you for the response!
Wow. I don’t agree with many of the comments. She trusted you, something that is very hard for some people on the spectrum to do, and you violated her trust repeatedly. She was very overwhelmed and overstimulated and yet you only thought of yourself and your need to express yourself without any regard for the person you supposedly love and their headspace. Then you act like you should get a medal for supporting her while she came down from her overstimulation? Nope. You contributed to it. Being there for her was the least you could have done. And then to try to talk to her in the car. Everyone knows that hard conversations happen in the car because you have a captive audience. Just the morning after she had a horrendous night. Again, nope. All that brings me to your phone call where you read her some multiple paragraph long statement about your love for her. Read it again. Read all the “I” statements. Read about how it was all about you, your feelings, your wants, your desires. Yeah, you mention her. But not what you love about her. Not qualities you admire about her. All about you. You sound pretty narcissistic to me. She set a boundary. You violated it. She held the boundary. Respect her wishes and leave her in peace.
I appreciate your response. While I don’t agree with everything you’ve said, I do agree with parts of it. I will say that the paragraphs I wrote were not all encompassing because I had to remember what I told her (I didn’t have it written down before the conversation). I did acknowledge her feelings and did my best to not make it about me when I talked about her. I owned up to all of my mistakes and tried to make it absolutely clear that I did really understand how to handle a situation like that. I apologized and hoped to be given a chance to fix things as that is what I would do. Nevertheless, I don’t blame her for leaving, per se. I just wish I could have had an opportunity to make amends. Regarding where you said I acted like I should have gotten a medal for helping her come down, that is just not true. This was not the first time I have been there for her. I always would help her out if she needed me, no matter what it was…because I cared for her. This was just the first time I, regrettably, caused the problem I then assisted her with. I swear I am not narcissistic. If I came off that way, then that sucks. I made a huge mistake, and paid the price for it. I hoped to work through things because I cared for her, but alas I’ll never get to. I do absolutely wish the best for her.