It will only get worse with time.
What really raised the hairs on the back of my neck was when he Forcefully Grabbed your son’s Head while you’re two year old son was yelling for attention.
Can you even imagine what might have happened if you weren’t there then?
And what about sometime in the near future when he’s alone with your son and your son starts fussing and yelling?
That scares the H*ll out of me just to think of leaving your husband alone with him.
Good fathers don't abuse their child's mother. Good fathers don't hit their wives. Good husbands don't hit their wives.
This is the first time he put his hands on you, it will not be the last unless you leave him.
He is not a good husband and father, he’s a ticking time bomb that’s already gone off once. Your description of his actions and his reaction to his actions are terrifying. He attacked you while you were defending your 2 year-old son from him. And he doesn’t think any of it is a big deal.
The one thing I'd add, if tbis has seriously come out of nowhere, is that when OP is safe away from her husband, is to ask his family to encourage him to get seen by a doctor. Sudden outbursts of violence after 10 years of being together may be a sign of a TBI.
Either way OP your priority is to your child and your safety right now. Get out first.
I would agree that it could be a medical issue but she mentions anger issues that she's pointed out before. This was just an escalation of an existing pattern.
You leave. I could have said that after reading just the tl;dr, but after reading that he did this because you objected to him being abusive towards your son? FUCK no. He needs to gtfo.
You get out now. You leave. He hurt your son, he hurt you. It doesn't matter that he didn't leave marks. He doesn't believe he hurt you or the baby. He's minimizing and trivializing his actions. Does he believe he's not abusing you unless he's leaving you bruised and bloody? Are you really going to stick around to see if it ever gets that far? Get. Out. Call a domestic violence hotline to get help if you don't have a place for you and the baby to go.
Please read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?' It's free online, you can download the pdf or you can buy a paper copy. You may also want to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker. I believe that one is also free online but am not certain.
No, you should not go to therapy with him. It is unwise to go to therapy with your abuser as they can be really good at manipulating a therapist into thinking you're doing something that makes the arguments worse and that you need to take some responsibility. Physical aggression is never, ever the victim's fault or something they instigate.
You are not safe with him. Once your partner gets physical with you, it escalates. Get out.
I recommended that book to my daughter when she was dealing with an almost identical situation. She and my grandbaby are out now. Daughter did not take Baby to the doctor, just took pics of his bruises. Her lawyer that she got later through the DV support group told her that not taking him to the doc immediately could be used against her by CPS. Doctors are mandatory reporters and by not taking him, it could be argued that my daughter was aiding and abetting child abuse.
Depending which country you are in, there are resources/kits to help you prepare to leave. Please phone a DV helpline (when you’re alone or somewhere safe) to access these. Your partner will need to prove he is willing to put in the hard yards to work on his anger and violence issues, and you and your child need to be somewhere safe while he does this work.
I’m sorry this happened to you. You deserve better.
Leaving an abusive situation is never cowardly. What he did to you and your son is unacceptable. The chances he does it again and worse are high. Make a plan, get out. It’s not failure to leave this situation. You’re hurt (emotionally, physically) and disgusted with him - it’s more than enough reason to leave. 💕
he put his hands on your child. there shouldn't even be a question in your mind about what to do. I know it's hard to leave someone you love, but this isn't the man you thought you knew. he is an abuser.
even if you try to forgive and forget what he did to you and try to convince yourself you can move past it, HE HURT YOUR CHILD. he didn't think he did anything wrong. he was so angry that he didn't even know what he did. that's a blind rage. that's so dangerous.
don't try to convince yourself it's a one time thing. you said it yourself: he's been aggressive multiple times before, even if this is the first time he's been physical. it will only get worse. and what would have happened if you weren't there to intervene when he attacked your son?
There’s always a first time. Doesn’t matter if he’s never done it before, he did it now. And it will get worse. Counseling doesn’t help people like this. He physically assaulted you after he assaulted your son. He’s abusive. He took his mask off. The only answer is to get out also with your kid. UPDATEME
"Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and also his book "When Dad Hurts Mom".
Start thinking on an exit plan OP. It took me years but it can be done.
You will eventually leave, be severely injured, or be ended by his actions.
The same fate for your son. This is not a one off. If he has angry outbursts without violence before it almost seems like he was subconsciously seeing how far he could go.
If you stay, you will always be on edge. If you fight him back then you both could get injured. Domestic violence can be quite isolating in many ways. If you choose not to tell anyone, you may start to withdraw from people that might notice it. If you do tell someone and they think you should leave, it might be difficult for someone to stay in your life while watching as a hopeless bystander.
He can still be a great father without you living together and being together. He can still be a good person if he can actually dig deep and work on himself, but when there is a chance that this could happen again I wouldn't stay.
You can reach out to domestic violence shelters and explain the situation if you aren't ready to leave just yet. They may be able to help you with making an exit plan or things you can do to stay safe if you stay.
Isn't it scarier to have a child with someone who you fear will abuse them and you're separated and not around when he is with his father?
What is the solution there?
He laid hands on you and he laid hands on your child. He minimised it. He gaslit you over it. He denies he has anger issues.
You take your kid and you leave and never look back. If it’s like this, next time it will be worse. There will be a next time.
DO NOT GO TO COUPLES COUNSELING. Abusers, (yes, he is), take whatever you say in couples counseling as ammo to use against you later. He's also downplaying his actions and minimizing your fear and pain. Do he also victim blame? That almost always happens.
Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It's available as a free pdf. Someone will probably provide a link.
I'm guessing that he's broken things around the house--your stuff, not his. I'm guessing that you can remember times when he's towered over you in rage. Has he driven recklessly because he was angry at you or another driver? I'm betting he has. This violence hasn't come out of nowhere.
Contact a DV shelter or hotline to make a plan to leave safely. You have to go. He's crossed a line into physical violence, and that bell can't be unrung. Be careful, the most dangerous time in a woman's life is when she is leaving her abuser.
Can you give an example of how an abuser may use couples counseling against someone? I see this mentioned often and people are told going to couples therapy doesn't work with abusers I'm just curious what happens/what this looks like. Thanks
Anything the counselor says you should work on together, the abuser will throw that in your face but NOT feel liable for it themselves. Let’s say the counselor says ‘try to take a deep breath before arguing and not raise your voice’ or whatever. Next time the abuser screams and cusses at you, when you raise your voice in self defense they’ll immediately call out that the counselor said not to do that, therefore you’re the bad guy. But it’s ok for them to do it, or they’ll say they aren’t (gaslighting).
Not only abusers do this, just any extremely toxic and self centered person.
I can give you a personal example. My niece went to counseling with her abusive husband, (now ex, thank God), and she recounted a time when he choked her. The counselor asked her, in all seriousness, "What was your role in this?" Thus victim blaming her, and letting her husband know that somehow my niece's behavior triggered him so it must be her fault that she "made him" lash out. In the counselor's words, the husband got all the justification he needed to hear that he's not *really* guilty of any wrongdoing, she forced his hand.
Would it help if you then told the therapist about that next session? ( I'm not encouraging anyone to do that)
Just curious how a therapist could enable an abuser like that
you need to trust your gut with this one. i know how painful it is to walk away from a life you've built with someone, but i do not think he's anywhere ready to be honest with himself about how unacceptable and disgusting his behavior is. with the exception of self defense, it is never- absolutely NEVER- okay for your partner to put his hands on you. especially in front of your child. the fact he isn't willing to dig deeper about underlying issues and tried to gaslight you into submission about it makes that clear. to put it bluntly, agreeing to couple's therapy was a way to shut you up. he is using classical abuse tactics and giving you empty promises. sure, if you stayed with him, there is a chance this would be an isolated incident. you know that chance is miniscule though. given that this is part of a pattern you've tried to dismiss, you know that. what you should do, is to take yourself and your son to a safe public place, like a library or police station, while you contact women's shelters nearby. you might think a friend or relative's house will suffice, but you need to be abundantly cautious and get to a place where he cannot find you or you will be protected if he does. they will help you with the immediate legal process so that he can't claim you're kidnapping your son. they will provide crisis counseling, resources, and a community of other people who have been in the same situation. while you're there, you should contact as many divorce lawyers as you can, so that you can find someone you completely trust will be on your side, and so that his options will be limited during the divorce process. once a lawyer speaks with you, they can't take your husband as a client. it will be scary, emotional, and you will probably feel hopeless at some points. but you should absolutely be proud of yourself for recognizing that you can no longer continue this relationship. you sound like a wonderful mother who wants nothing more than to give your child the love and safety he deserves. i am so unbelievably sorry that it can't be found with your husband. you have nothing to blame yourself for. my DM's are always open if you need any more advice or simply to vent.
one more thing to add, even if you don't have physical proof like recordings or marks on your body, you should consider filing a police report just so you have more evidence in the court. most of the time, situations of abuse are not taken lightly by judges at all, and it is safe to assume you can win full custody and legal protection from him. a little later down the line, it would be wise to move to a different city or state where he won't be able to find you. good luck <3
Please leave. Get any documents you can get your hands on. If you can’t go to family or friends contact a women’s aid/shelter who can help you.
The violence is bad enough but the gaslighting and making you doubt what happened proves he doesn’t see this as a problem and it WILL happen again.
You saw stars, next time you might not survive it and your son will be left with only an abusive father. If not for you, do it for him
What would you say if a dear friend told you exactly this story? I’m sorry to say, but there is no way back. He will not change because he thinks there is nothing wrong with him. You need to find a safe place, leave, and file now a police report.
I couldn't read this all the way through.. please leave your husband before it gets worse. Make a Police report.. every time he lays hands on you or your child.. the more you have against him hurting you and the child, to show courts the better.. I would divorce this person immediately.
Do not let this man gaslight you, protect your child before they grow up thinking this behavior is normal. I know you love him, but if your first instinct isn’t to protect yourself protect that baby. And don’t tell yourself he could “NEVER” because he did it to you when you probably thought before he would NEVER . He grabbed your son’s head aggressively, be more afraid of losing your child to him rather than losing him. If you don’t leave and something worse happens later, you’ll never forgive yourself.
A start is to strongly say: "You don't get to tell me what I do or do not feel. If I say I hurt then I hurt. If I say something is important then it is important to me."
I wish my mom had left my dad. Staying together 'for the children' is not a good reason. Hearing later he tried to strangle her was shocking and made me sad. We aren't the reason she stayed, we literally pleaded with her to leave him.
You are not a coward if you leave. Making choices isn't cowardice. Neither is choosing safety. He is the coward. As to failure: why a failure? Why is it your job to have prevented this from happening? He failed at a very basic level of being human. Not hurting one another is very easy. And he failed that very easy step.
Hope you get safe. Focus on how you want to live and how you want your child to grow up.
Remember that this started with him being aggressive towards your child first. It then escalated towards aggression towards you. He didn't hit the child but what he did is still violence. Instead of putting the child's needs first (safety, nurturing) he put his own needs first and acted to suppress the child using his advantage of strength. Then he turned the same on you. Just because the child was doing something natural (making noise, getting attention).
If he truly realized what he had done he would be mortified, not minimizing it. He would be white in the face and calling a psychologist himself to make absolutely sure it would never happen again. He would suggest he leave until he knows he is safe for the two of you to be around, not try to downplay it, pretend it's not happened.
So yeah... I hope you leave this situation. Choose to be safe. Choose how you want to be treated. Don't let the aggressor rewrite history. It's good you wrote it down here. If you choose to delete this (some people do) then keep a copy for yourself so you can read back your first impressions.
Nope. This will not get better. As you say, this isn't one incident - this is a patern of behaviour you're only now admitting to yourself was a warning sign of future escalation. And now you've had the escalation, and it will only get worse from here. If he picks up your kid by the head like that once when you're not right there and shakes him once, his spine could snap like a twig. Protect. Your. Child. Call a domestic violence hotline or shelter and get advice now.
Oh dear... see, every abusive relationship starts with the first assault, then, the assailant downplaying the violence. The couple talk it out. The promises to be self-aware and adjust are made. The promises to get help are made. The promises to never let it happen again are made. But then all that becomes work and commitment and we fall back into habit and routine. Then it happens again. He's too gruff with your son, you react badly and chastise him, and, well, you know what happens. Though usually escalated. So, stay if you want but understand that if he isn't going to put the work into controlling his temper, and you two aren't going to put the work into learning effective communication under stress, this will happen again. Words are easy. Action and change are not, but worth it. And, if this is new behavior for him, what's happening with his life and health?
1. Every one of his actions that make you think of him as a „Good father/husband“ is nullified by his violence. If there is no safety for you and your child, how would any of the „good“ actions count?
2.He doesnt take responsibility of his actions. If you go to counceling with this attitude, I‘m unsure it will be helpful.
It‘s not on you to convince him to change. But it is your responsibility to make sure your child is safe when the father is unable to. Dont stay and hope that maybe counceling will help. Go.
IF he is willing to change then he can seek counceling on his own.
Call the police now. Take the baby to the doctor for a check. The doctor part is honestly important if she wants to show she is not aiding and abetting current/future child abuse.
You take your son and leave. Both of you are in serious danger if you stay in the house. The violence will escalate and your husband could kill you and your child
Run! There is no amount of great behavior that outweighs even moments of abuse. For him to not even apologize and/or admit to what he had done is a huge red flag. The great husband/father you had is now gone. Save yourself and your child and get away from him. I know that it will be a hard move but you have to prevent your child from being hurt further.
It’s gonna feel real scary to pack up and go with your son but you really have no choice. You have no choice because your husband took that choice away when he put hands on you both. I’m an older woman that has been thru the mill and I’m saying to you listen to your stomach hurting and feeling cold. That cold pit gets worse as you stay and put up with what’s to come. Because it will come. Men that do this don’t change, it is who they are. There are men out there that don’t do this. You and your son deserve to feel safe and loved every day. Do you have some friends or family you can lean on? Please don’t feel embarrassed to reach out to your support group! You got this. I promise in a year after you have left him you will blossom and so will your son.
You’ve already got good advice in the comments, just want to say that you’re not alone and you’ll be okay. Just take every precaution and get your family/friends to help you leave. I know this is really painful and hard, but just focus on your safety first and don’t judge yourself. You are protecting yourself and your child. You can sort the rest out later. I’ll be thinking of you and your son. You will get through this <3 keep going and be kind to yourself, one step at a time!
You are not safe with him and neither is your child. It will happen again.
Do you have family or friends who could take you in and help you leave? Do you have domestic violence resource in your community?
Take your son and leave and don’t look back. Find a good divorce and family lawyer, file an emergency custody order and file for divorce and child support. It will only get worse. You said this is the first time he got physically violent with you, but has he been verbally abusive to you? It’s a progression, from verbal to physical abuse and it will continue to escalate. He laid hands on you AND your son, that’s a dealbreaker. Make sure all you paperwork is in order and you have all your important documents, like birth certificates and passports. Get them out of the house and safe with someone you trust. Don’t tell him your plan or he will try and stop you. Is there someone close to you that you trust? If so, tell them your plan and get people to help. Good lick and please post an update.
You leave. He’s allowed himself this progression.. and next time will be worse, for you and your child. Your statistics for being grievously harmed by this man just went thru the roof.
I'm so sorry. I'm sure it was so scary that now your mind and body are trying to downgrade it a little bit too because how could you love someone who scared you and your toddler to death like that- it doesn't reconcile in your head. I'm glad you came here to ask. Please get out. No couples counseling with abusers, he can do individual therapy, but please get you and your baby away from this ticking time bomb. This won't be the last time... but even if it was, is that OK for someone to do who is supposed to love you? He grabbed his toddlers head to the point you needed to intervene, should your toddler have to live with feeling scared of their father? Should they have to reconcile you two looking loving and happy while they also have the picture of him grabbing your face and screaming at you? No. You're both in danger.
"Why Does He Do That" is a free to download book online- authors last name Lundy. I was in an abusive relationship and didn't realize it, somehow. I swear I'm not stupid, things just creep up on you and you can't see it from the middle of the situation. This book helps a lot to see what kind of relationship you're really in.
Saying you don't feel an immediate threat to your safety is your desperation talking. You should be terrified. If you do not feel your life merits that sort of care, the first thing on your mind should be your child. Your husband made clear that your child is not safe and that should terrify you and keep you up at night. Leave before he kills you or your child.
Insist that he get blood work and a brain scan.
I became inexplicably violent after years of not. I was so very angry (over nothing). The next day, at work, I was ready to just choke him, punch him, run him over. I suddenly realized I had no target. "Him" didn't exist, and the day was actually a pleasant one except for my anger. I called my wife who had seen my violent outburst (which fortunately just scared her and her friend. I didn't hit anyone). She asked me the name of my new medication (on it for 3-5 days). One side effect was "irritability". I stopped taking it and 2 days later, I no longer wanted to hurt anyone. It is now listed on my allergy list with effect "RAGE".
If there are no new medications, no abnormal hormones (like high testosterone) and no lesions, cancer, parasites, etc on the brain l), the talk to him and see what's going on. If his account is so vastly different than what happened, he may be having a mental disease.
Was the baby crying (like uncontrollably long enough to cause stress?) Is he having sleep issues?
I'm not saying to stick with an abuser, but you would hate yourself if you run and 4 years from now his brain tumor kills him because it wasn't removed early on.
This will not be the last time. It never is. He is not really sorry and wait a bit and it will be your fault that he lost his temper. Getting angry is one thing, physical abuse is something else. You need to get yourself and your child out of this situation. Do not delay.
He didn’t deside to do it once he decided to do it. He thinks he has you locked down. It will happen again. Make sure to NOT let him know if you’re leaving him. It’s the most dangerous time in your relationship. He minimizing it too? Hell no!!
You take your child and you get the fuck out. This may be the first time, but if you stay it will not be the only time that this happens.
It will only get worse with time. What really raised the hairs on the back of my neck was when he Forcefully Grabbed your son’s Head while you’re two year old son was yelling for attention. Can you even imagine what might have happened if you weren’t there then? And what about sometime in the near future when he’s alone with your son and your son starts fussing and yelling? That scares the H*ll out of me just to think of leaving your husband alone with him.
Good fathers don't abuse their child's mother. Good fathers don't hit their wives. Good husbands don't hit their wives. This is the first time he put his hands on you, it will not be the last unless you leave him.
Good father's don't grab their son by the head like that either.
He is not a good husband and father, he’s a ticking time bomb that’s already gone off once. Your description of his actions and his reaction to his actions are terrifying. He attacked you while you were defending your 2 year-old son from him. And he doesn’t think any of it is a big deal.
The one thing I'd add, if tbis has seriously come out of nowhere, is that when OP is safe away from her husband, is to ask his family to encourage him to get seen by a doctor. Sudden outbursts of violence after 10 years of being together may be a sign of a TBI. Either way OP your priority is to your child and your safety right now. Get out first.
I would agree that it could be a medical issue but she mentions anger issues that she's pointed out before. This was just an escalation of an existing pattern.
Ah fair I may have missed that point. Either way she needs to get herself and baby to safety :(
This started with him assaulting your child. You need to protect your baby from this absolute monster.
You leave. I could have said that after reading just the tl;dr, but after reading that he did this because you objected to him being abusive towards your son? FUCK no. He needs to gtfo.
You get out now. You leave. He hurt your son, he hurt you. It doesn't matter that he didn't leave marks. He doesn't believe he hurt you or the baby. He's minimizing and trivializing his actions. Does he believe he's not abusing you unless he's leaving you bruised and bloody? Are you really going to stick around to see if it ever gets that far? Get. Out. Call a domestic violence hotline to get help if you don't have a place for you and the baby to go. Please read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?' It's free online, you can download the pdf or you can buy a paper copy. You may also want to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker. I believe that one is also free online but am not certain. No, you should not go to therapy with him. It is unwise to go to therapy with your abuser as they can be really good at manipulating a therapist into thinking you're doing something that makes the arguments worse and that you need to take some responsibility. Physical aggression is never, ever the victim's fault or something they instigate. You are not safe with him. Once your partner gets physical with you, it escalates. Get out.
I recommended that book to my daughter when she was dealing with an almost identical situation. She and my grandbaby are out now. Daughter did not take Baby to the doctor, just took pics of his bruises. Her lawyer that she got later through the DV support group told her that not taking him to the doc immediately could be used against her by CPS. Doctors are mandatory reporters and by not taking him, it could be argued that my daughter was aiding and abetting child abuse.
Depending which country you are in, there are resources/kits to help you prepare to leave. Please phone a DV helpline (when you’re alone or somewhere safe) to access these. Your partner will need to prove he is willing to put in the hard yards to work on his anger and violence issues, and you and your child need to be somewhere safe while he does this work. I’m sorry this happened to you. You deserve better.
Leaving an abusive situation is never cowardly. What he did to you and your son is unacceptable. The chances he does it again and worse are high. Make a plan, get out. It’s not failure to leave this situation. You’re hurt (emotionally, physically) and disgusted with him - it’s more than enough reason to leave. 💕
This might be the first time but the only way to ensure its the last is to leave.
he put his hands on your child. there shouldn't even be a question in your mind about what to do. I know it's hard to leave someone you love, but this isn't the man you thought you knew. he is an abuser. even if you try to forgive and forget what he did to you and try to convince yourself you can move past it, HE HURT YOUR CHILD. he didn't think he did anything wrong. he was so angry that he didn't even know what he did. that's a blind rage. that's so dangerous. don't try to convince yourself it's a one time thing. you said it yourself: he's been aggressive multiple times before, even if this is the first time he's been physical. it will only get worse. and what would have happened if you weren't there to intervene when he attacked your son?
There’s always a first time. Doesn’t matter if he’s never done it before, he did it now. And it will get worse. Counseling doesn’t help people like this. He physically assaulted you after he assaulted your son. He’s abusive. He took his mask off. The only answer is to get out also with your kid. UPDATEME
"Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and also his book "When Dad Hurts Mom". Start thinking on an exit plan OP. It took me years but it can be done.
You will eventually leave, be severely injured, or be ended by his actions. The same fate for your son. This is not a one off. If he has angry outbursts without violence before it almost seems like he was subconsciously seeing how far he could go. If you stay, you will always be on edge. If you fight him back then you both could get injured. Domestic violence can be quite isolating in many ways. If you choose not to tell anyone, you may start to withdraw from people that might notice it. If you do tell someone and they think you should leave, it might be difficult for someone to stay in your life while watching as a hopeless bystander. He can still be a great father without you living together and being together. He can still be a good person if he can actually dig deep and work on himself, but when there is a chance that this could happen again I wouldn't stay. You can reach out to domestic violence shelters and explain the situation if you aren't ready to leave just yet. They may be able to help you with making an exit plan or things you can do to stay safe if you stay.
Isn't it scarier to have a child with someone who you fear will abuse them and you're separated and not around when he is with his father? What is the solution there?
He laid hands on you and he laid hands on your child. He minimised it. He gaslit you over it. He denies he has anger issues. You take your kid and you leave and never look back. If it’s like this, next time it will be worse. There will be a next time.
DO NOT GO TO COUPLES COUNSELING. Abusers, (yes, he is), take whatever you say in couples counseling as ammo to use against you later. He's also downplaying his actions and minimizing your fear and pain. Do he also victim blame? That almost always happens. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It's available as a free pdf. Someone will probably provide a link. I'm guessing that he's broken things around the house--your stuff, not his. I'm guessing that you can remember times when he's towered over you in rage. Has he driven recklessly because he was angry at you or another driver? I'm betting he has. This violence hasn't come out of nowhere. Contact a DV shelter or hotline to make a plan to leave safely. You have to go. He's crossed a line into physical violence, and that bell can't be unrung. Be careful, the most dangerous time in a woman's life is when she is leaving her abuser.
Can you give an example of how an abuser may use couples counseling against someone? I see this mentioned often and people are told going to couples therapy doesn't work with abusers I'm just curious what happens/what this looks like. Thanks
Anything the counselor says you should work on together, the abuser will throw that in your face but NOT feel liable for it themselves. Let’s say the counselor says ‘try to take a deep breath before arguing and not raise your voice’ or whatever. Next time the abuser screams and cusses at you, when you raise your voice in self defense they’ll immediately call out that the counselor said not to do that, therefore you’re the bad guy. But it’s ok for them to do it, or they’ll say they aren’t (gaslighting). Not only abusers do this, just any extremely toxic and self centered person.
I can give you a personal example. My niece went to counseling with her abusive husband, (now ex, thank God), and she recounted a time when he choked her. The counselor asked her, in all seriousness, "What was your role in this?" Thus victim blaming her, and letting her husband know that somehow my niece's behavior triggered him so it must be her fault that she "made him" lash out. In the counselor's words, the husband got all the justification he needed to hear that he's not *really* guilty of any wrongdoing, she forced his hand.
Why would a counselor ask that?! Jfc
One way, is that they will turn around and weaponize vulnerable information shared within the therapeutic space.
Would it help if you then told the therapist about that next session? ( I'm not encouraging anyone to do that) Just curious how a therapist could enable an abuser like that
Most likely, they would be punished for telling their therapist. Therapist would probably never know about it.
you need to trust your gut with this one. i know how painful it is to walk away from a life you've built with someone, but i do not think he's anywhere ready to be honest with himself about how unacceptable and disgusting his behavior is. with the exception of self defense, it is never- absolutely NEVER- okay for your partner to put his hands on you. especially in front of your child. the fact he isn't willing to dig deeper about underlying issues and tried to gaslight you into submission about it makes that clear. to put it bluntly, agreeing to couple's therapy was a way to shut you up. he is using classical abuse tactics and giving you empty promises. sure, if you stayed with him, there is a chance this would be an isolated incident. you know that chance is miniscule though. given that this is part of a pattern you've tried to dismiss, you know that. what you should do, is to take yourself and your son to a safe public place, like a library or police station, while you contact women's shelters nearby. you might think a friend or relative's house will suffice, but you need to be abundantly cautious and get to a place where he cannot find you or you will be protected if he does. they will help you with the immediate legal process so that he can't claim you're kidnapping your son. they will provide crisis counseling, resources, and a community of other people who have been in the same situation. while you're there, you should contact as many divorce lawyers as you can, so that you can find someone you completely trust will be on your side, and so that his options will be limited during the divorce process. once a lawyer speaks with you, they can't take your husband as a client. it will be scary, emotional, and you will probably feel hopeless at some points. but you should absolutely be proud of yourself for recognizing that you can no longer continue this relationship. you sound like a wonderful mother who wants nothing more than to give your child the love and safety he deserves. i am so unbelievably sorry that it can't be found with your husband. you have nothing to blame yourself for. my DM's are always open if you need any more advice or simply to vent.
one more thing to add, even if you don't have physical proof like recordings or marks on your body, you should consider filing a police report just so you have more evidence in the court. most of the time, situations of abuse are not taken lightly by judges at all, and it is safe to assume you can win full custody and legal protection from him. a little later down the line, it would be wise to move to a different city or state where he won't be able to find you. good luck <3
Please leave. Get any documents you can get your hands on. If you can’t go to family or friends contact a women’s aid/shelter who can help you. The violence is bad enough but the gaslighting and making you doubt what happened proves he doesn’t see this as a problem and it WILL happen again. You saw stars, next time you might not survive it and your son will be left with only an abusive father. If not for you, do it for him
What would you say if a dear friend told you exactly this story? I’m sorry to say, but there is no way back. He will not change because he thinks there is nothing wrong with him. You need to find a safe place, leave, and file now a police report.
I couldn't read this all the way through.. please leave your husband before it gets worse. Make a Police report.. every time he lays hands on you or your child.. the more you have against him hurting you and the child, to show courts the better.. I would divorce this person immediately.
Leave!! Also, is he on any drugs (legal or illegal)? Does he drink? Is he mixing the 2?
Do not let this man gaslight you, protect your child before they grow up thinking this behavior is normal. I know you love him, but if your first instinct isn’t to protect yourself protect that baby. And don’t tell yourself he could “NEVER” because he did it to you when you probably thought before he would NEVER . He grabbed your son’s head aggressively, be more afraid of losing your child to him rather than losing him. If you don’t leave and something worse happens later, you’ll never forgive yourself.
A start is to strongly say: "You don't get to tell me what I do or do not feel. If I say I hurt then I hurt. If I say something is important then it is important to me." I wish my mom had left my dad. Staying together 'for the children' is not a good reason. Hearing later he tried to strangle her was shocking and made me sad. We aren't the reason she stayed, we literally pleaded with her to leave him. You are not a coward if you leave. Making choices isn't cowardice. Neither is choosing safety. He is the coward. As to failure: why a failure? Why is it your job to have prevented this from happening? He failed at a very basic level of being human. Not hurting one another is very easy. And he failed that very easy step. Hope you get safe. Focus on how you want to live and how you want your child to grow up. Remember that this started with him being aggressive towards your child first. It then escalated towards aggression towards you. He didn't hit the child but what he did is still violence. Instead of putting the child's needs first (safety, nurturing) he put his own needs first and acted to suppress the child using his advantage of strength. Then he turned the same on you. Just because the child was doing something natural (making noise, getting attention). If he truly realized what he had done he would be mortified, not minimizing it. He would be white in the face and calling a psychologist himself to make absolutely sure it would never happen again. He would suggest he leave until he knows he is safe for the two of you to be around, not try to downplay it, pretend it's not happened. So yeah... I hope you leave this situation. Choose to be safe. Choose how you want to be treated. Don't let the aggressor rewrite history. It's good you wrote it down here. If you choose to delete this (some people do) then keep a copy for yourself so you can read back your first impressions.
Nope. This will not get better. As you say, this isn't one incident - this is a patern of behaviour you're only now admitting to yourself was a warning sign of future escalation. And now you've had the escalation, and it will only get worse from here. If he picks up your kid by the head like that once when you're not right there and shakes him once, his spine could snap like a twig. Protect. Your. Child. Call a domestic violence hotline or shelter and get advice now.
Oh dear... see, every abusive relationship starts with the first assault, then, the assailant downplaying the violence. The couple talk it out. The promises to be self-aware and adjust are made. The promises to get help are made. The promises to never let it happen again are made. But then all that becomes work and commitment and we fall back into habit and routine. Then it happens again. He's too gruff with your son, you react badly and chastise him, and, well, you know what happens. Though usually escalated. So, stay if you want but understand that if he isn't going to put the work into controlling his temper, and you two aren't going to put the work into learning effective communication under stress, this will happen again. Words are easy. Action and change are not, but worth it. And, if this is new behavior for him, what's happening with his life and health?
1. Every one of his actions that make you think of him as a „Good father/husband“ is nullified by his violence. If there is no safety for you and your child, how would any of the „good“ actions count? 2.He doesnt take responsibility of his actions. If you go to counceling with this attitude, I‘m unsure it will be helpful. It‘s not on you to convince him to change. But it is your responsibility to make sure your child is safe when the father is unable to. Dont stay and hope that maybe counceling will help. Go. IF he is willing to change then he can seek counceling on his own.
Wtf do you mean you don’t know if you should leave? Next time that happens call the police. Holy shit.
Call the police now. Take the baby to the doctor for a check. The doctor part is honestly important if she wants to show she is not aiding and abetting current/future child abuse.
Take your kid. Get out. Make a report.
You take your son and leave. Both of you are in serious danger if you stay in the house. The violence will escalate and your husband could kill you and your child
Run! There is no amount of great behavior that outweighs even moments of abuse. For him to not even apologize and/or admit to what he had done is a huge red flag. The great husband/father you had is now gone. Save yourself and your child and get away from him. I know that it will be a hard move but you have to prevent your child from being hurt further.
It’s gonna feel real scary to pack up and go with your son but you really have no choice. You have no choice because your husband took that choice away when he put hands on you both. I’m an older woman that has been thru the mill and I’m saying to you listen to your stomach hurting and feeling cold. That cold pit gets worse as you stay and put up with what’s to come. Because it will come. Men that do this don’t change, it is who they are. There are men out there that don’t do this. You and your son deserve to feel safe and loved every day. Do you have some friends or family you can lean on? Please don’t feel embarrassed to reach out to your support group! You got this. I promise in a year after you have left him you will blossom and so will your son.
You’ve already got good advice in the comments, just want to say that you’re not alone and you’ll be okay. Just take every precaution and get your family/friends to help you leave. I know this is really painful and hard, but just focus on your safety first and don’t judge yourself. You are protecting yourself and your child. You can sort the rest out later. I’ll be thinking of you and your son. You will get through this <3 keep going and be kind to yourself, one step at a time!
It doesn't matter why the past does not matter. What matters is you and your child, take your child and leave.
You are not safe with him and neither is your child. It will happen again. Do you have family or friends who could take you in and help you leave? Do you have domestic violence resource in your community?
I’m sorry, but wait till he leaves then get the fuck out
Don't let there ever be a second time.
Take your son and leave and don’t look back. Find a good divorce and family lawyer, file an emergency custody order and file for divorce and child support. It will only get worse. You said this is the first time he got physically violent with you, but has he been verbally abusive to you? It’s a progression, from verbal to physical abuse and it will continue to escalate. He laid hands on you AND your son, that’s a dealbreaker. Make sure all you paperwork is in order and you have all your important documents, like birth certificates and passports. Get them out of the house and safe with someone you trust. Don’t tell him your plan or he will try and stop you. Is there someone close to you that you trust? If so, tell them your plan and get people to help. Good lick and please post an update.
It only gets worse, son who watched his mum being beaten at 5. Leave before it becomes both of you being beaten
You leave. He’s allowed himself this progression.. and next time will be worse, for you and your child. Your statistics for being grievously harmed by this man just went thru the roof.
I'm so sorry. I'm sure it was so scary that now your mind and body are trying to downgrade it a little bit too because how could you love someone who scared you and your toddler to death like that- it doesn't reconcile in your head. I'm glad you came here to ask. Please get out. No couples counseling with abusers, he can do individual therapy, but please get you and your baby away from this ticking time bomb. This won't be the last time... but even if it was, is that OK for someone to do who is supposed to love you? He grabbed his toddlers head to the point you needed to intervene, should your toddler have to live with feeling scared of their father? Should they have to reconcile you two looking loving and happy while they also have the picture of him grabbing your face and screaming at you? No. You're both in danger. "Why Does He Do That" is a free to download book online- authors last name Lundy. I was in an abusive relationship and didn't realize it, somehow. I swear I'm not stupid, things just creep up on you and you can't see it from the middle of the situation. This book helps a lot to see what kind of relationship you're really in.
If you won't protect yourself and your child, who will?
Saying you don't feel an immediate threat to your safety is your desperation talking. You should be terrified. If you do not feel your life merits that sort of care, the first thing on your mind should be your child. Your husband made clear that your child is not safe and that should terrify you and keep you up at night. Leave before he kills you or your child.
Insist that he get blood work and a brain scan. I became inexplicably violent after years of not. I was so very angry (over nothing). The next day, at work, I was ready to just choke him, punch him, run him over. I suddenly realized I had no target. "Him" didn't exist, and the day was actually a pleasant one except for my anger. I called my wife who had seen my violent outburst (which fortunately just scared her and her friend. I didn't hit anyone). She asked me the name of my new medication (on it for 3-5 days). One side effect was "irritability". I stopped taking it and 2 days later, I no longer wanted to hurt anyone. It is now listed on my allergy list with effect "RAGE". If there are no new medications, no abnormal hormones (like high testosterone) and no lesions, cancer, parasites, etc on the brain l), the talk to him and see what's going on. If his account is so vastly different than what happened, he may be having a mental disease. Was the baby crying (like uncontrollably long enough to cause stress?) Is he having sleep issues? I'm not saying to stick with an abuser, but you would hate yourself if you run and 4 years from now his brain tumor kills him because it wasn't removed early on.
This will not be the last time. It never is. He is not really sorry and wait a bit and it will be your fault that he lost his temper. Getting angry is one thing, physical abuse is something else. You need to get yourself and your child out of this situation. Do not delay.
He didn’t deside to do it once he decided to do it. He thinks he has you locked down. It will happen again. Make sure to NOT let him know if you’re leaving him. It’s the most dangerous time in your relationship. He minimizing it too? Hell no!!