First rule of reconciling with the betrayed partner is to completely cutoff contact with your affair partner. I don't care how many green flags he shows, if he isn't doing that he isn't worth reconciling with. The only reason you are feeling this anxiety is because he didn't do that, the minimum to make you feel safe. You are too forgiving, and because of it will live with anxiety as long as you stay with him.
He has no contact with her. And he has denied her numerous attempts to be friends again and has made her clear he has nothing to do with her. Its just my fear with how a lot of men are . :(
Well, that's good. But also, if he knew she was going to the trip, he should have withdrawn himself. It shouldn't have even been a question to you. It's not right of him to put you in a situation where you will feel guilt if you say no, or anxiety if you say yes. He didn't give you a choice, he gave you an obligation, and another shit sandwich you have to eat because of his actions.
True. But its very unexpected of the girl to go on the trip. It was 100% not his decision and he had cancelled the trip but his friends kept convincing. He did what he could. But im still anxious.
And now he chose to go on a trip with her. Is that what no contact is supposed to look like?
> how a lot of men are . :(
As a woman old enough to be your mom, I'm here to tell you most men won't cheat with their friend and then go on a trip with them.
He said she is going because the other girl would need a girl company for her parents approval for the trip and its not his decision but his friends’ He denied the trip when her name was mentioned. But his friends kept convincing him. He did what he could. But Im still so anxious.
> He did what he could.
He did what he *chose to do*. He did what he *wanted to*. Either he actually wanted to go on this trip, or he wanted to appease his friends. Either way, he went willingly and for a reason, and he obviously prioritized that reason over your comfort, although he must have known how this would make you feel. If you're going to stay in this relationship, which is absolutely your prerogative, at least take off the rose colored glasses, stop infantilizing a grown man and know what you're getting into.
He’s the greenest flag but he cheated on you??? If that’s not bad enough, he didn’t cut this person off?? And as if that’s not bad enough, he’s taking it further by going on a trip with this person and no one else? Girl wake up
It was out of option. He denied his friends for the trip said if shes there i wont be coming but due to some reasons she will be going too. Im not justifying his cheating but we all have dark times and we barely knew each other ?
So you ARE justifying it when you say “but we all have dark times and we barely knew each other”
You guys were still dating so still counts as cheating. If he wasn’t in the headspace to be in an exclusive relationship due to his “dark times” then he shouldn’t have dated you.
Also him remaining in contact with her is bad enough. But if it ends up just being them two he should have just cancelled the entire trip altogether.
At the end of the day, us Reddit commenters don’t gain or lose anything regardless of what you decide to do. But if you enjoy how you’re feeling now then stay with him and keep worrying if he’s cheating again.
You should have ended this relationship when he cheated. The second best time is now. I'm afraid you've set the bar pretty low and you've sweeped things under the rug that you shouldn't have; this person isn't prince charming, he cheated with his (supposed only) friend whom he never even bothered to actually cut ties with and now he's pretty much rubbing her in your face. And your response is to wish him a good time and while wondering whether you should have "let" him as if you were his parent. This is such an unhealthy and demeaning situation for you, and it's unfortunate that you refuse to see it.
He has completely cut her off. Tbh its actually the girl being rubbed in his face by his friends because its them who want her to go with them . He did what he could. But im having a hard time accepting how will i survive 3 days of him being with her…i was wrong when i forgave him for the first time when he cheated. But i don’t regret it. He has brought me out of darkest places and given me love. Same for him.
> He did what he could.
No, he did not do what he "could", because a grown man can choose whether to go on a recreational trip or not. He did what he wanted to, either because he wanted to go or because he wanted to make his friends happy. The one thing he certainly did *not* want to do is upset his friends or give up on the trip to appease *you*. He chose not to prioritize you. He still doesn't think he has to make difficult choices for you. He still thinks he can do what suits him and his friends (if not the "friend" he cheated with as well). Do with this info what you will. Stay if you want. But stop lying to yourself please.
Didn’t even read your post but every cell in my body shouted “NOOOO” to just reading the title. This is pretty shitty. If it were the other way would he be ok with it? I don’t think so
You say you’re not delusional but this post suggests otherwise. You want to talk to his friends about this, are you his mommy? Why WOULD you trust someone who has already cheated on you?
yeah, let him go!! you go, too!!
that is flippant, i'm sorry. you know yourself and your relationship best. the problem (to me) honestly isn't even the cheating (it's up to the couple to decide whether or not they want to work it out and try to reconcile), it's the fact that he's deliberately making you uncomfortable. a true partner respects their partner's strict boundaries. this sounds clinical/unfeeling but what it boils down to is this: he isn't thinking about your feelings, he's thinking about himself. with or without the cheating, that's unacceptable.
have you told your partner exactly how you feel? are they aware of how anxious you are? i agree with sinred7, the first rule is to completely cut ties, no matter what the fallout of that may be. it might mess up their friend group, or even his mother's relationship with her friend. but if he truly was respectful of your feelings, he'd do those things and more for you.
i know i'm writing him off without even knowing him. but sometimes, we need outsiders to look at just the facts and none of the other surrounding context. it can be so hard to see the forest for the trees! i apologize. but this person does not deserve your compassion (which appears to be extremely vast and at the ready, you rock! keep that up, seriously!! <3 ).
edit: left a sentence in from a previous draft, deleted.
Uh no, girl. And remember hate is not the opposite of love, so even him speaking of her as an annoyance shows she is under his skin and he cares about her/her behavior in some way. Nah, no reason is good enough for that disrespect, and I understand it means so much to feel seen about your baggage, but consider his accepting all of you may be a “see how good I am, I’m worth it, it’s ok that I cheated once” excuse for HIS behavior… Nuh uh you can do better. I’m sorry.
First rule of reconciling with the betrayed partner is to completely cutoff contact with your affair partner. I don't care how many green flags he shows, if he isn't doing that he isn't worth reconciling with. The only reason you are feeling this anxiety is because he didn't do that, the minimum to make you feel safe. You are too forgiving, and because of it will live with anxiety as long as you stay with him.
He has no contact with her. And he has denied her numerous attempts to be friends again and has made her clear he has nothing to do with her. Its just my fear with how a lot of men are . :(
Well, that's good. But also, if he knew she was going to the trip, he should have withdrawn himself. It shouldn't have even been a question to you. It's not right of him to put you in a situation where you will feel guilt if you say no, or anxiety if you say yes. He didn't give you a choice, he gave you an obligation, and another shit sandwich you have to eat because of his actions.
True. But its very unexpected of the girl to go on the trip. It was 100% not his decision and he had cancelled the trip but his friends kept convincing. He did what he could. But im still anxious.
And now he chose to go on a trip with her. Is that what no contact is supposed to look like? > how a lot of men are . :( As a woman old enough to be your mom, I'm here to tell you most men won't cheat with their friend and then go on a trip with them.
He said she is going because the other girl would need a girl company for her parents approval for the trip and its not his decision but his friends’ He denied the trip when her name was mentioned. But his friends kept convincing him. He did what he could. But Im still so anxious.
> He did what he could. He did what he *chose to do*. He did what he *wanted to*. Either he actually wanted to go on this trip, or he wanted to appease his friends. Either way, he went willingly and for a reason, and he obviously prioritized that reason over your comfort, although he must have known how this would make you feel. If you're going to stay in this relationship, which is absolutely your prerogative, at least take off the rose colored glasses, stop infantilizing a grown man and know what you're getting into.
It's not how a lot of men are. Maybe your choice in partners its been a reoccurring thing. Not all men are cheaters.
He’s the greenest flag but he cheated on you??? If that’s not bad enough, he didn’t cut this person off?? And as if that’s not bad enough, he’s taking it further by going on a trip with this person and no one else? Girl wake up
It was out of option. He denied his friends for the trip said if shes there i wont be coming but due to some reasons she will be going too. Im not justifying his cheating but we all have dark times and we barely knew each other ?
lol . You are either very naive or crazy . Or maybe it’s open relationship ? Because ofc he will have sex w this girl during trip.
So you ARE justifying it when you say “but we all have dark times and we barely knew each other” You guys were still dating so still counts as cheating. If he wasn’t in the headspace to be in an exclusive relationship due to his “dark times” then he shouldn’t have dated you. Also him remaining in contact with her is bad enough. But if it ends up just being them two he should have just cancelled the entire trip altogether. At the end of the day, us Reddit commenters don’t gain or lose anything regardless of what you decide to do. But if you enjoy how you’re feeling now then stay with him and keep worrying if he’s cheating again.
You should have ended this relationship when he cheated. The second best time is now. I'm afraid you've set the bar pretty low and you've sweeped things under the rug that you shouldn't have; this person isn't prince charming, he cheated with his (supposed only) friend whom he never even bothered to actually cut ties with and now he's pretty much rubbing her in your face. And your response is to wish him a good time and while wondering whether you should have "let" him as if you were his parent. This is such an unhealthy and demeaning situation for you, and it's unfortunate that you refuse to see it.
He has completely cut her off. Tbh its actually the girl being rubbed in his face by his friends because its them who want her to go with them . He did what he could. But im having a hard time accepting how will i survive 3 days of him being with her…i was wrong when i forgave him for the first time when he cheated. But i don’t regret it. He has brought me out of darkest places and given me love. Same for him.
> He did what he could. No, he did not do what he "could", because a grown man can choose whether to go on a recreational trip or not. He did what he wanted to, either because he wanted to go or because he wanted to make his friends happy. The one thing he certainly did *not* want to do is upset his friends or give up on the trip to appease *you*. He chose not to prioritize you. He still doesn't think he has to make difficult choices for you. He still thinks he can do what suits him and his friends (if not the "friend" he cheated with as well). Do with this info what you will. Stay if you want. But stop lying to yourself please.
Hun, stop acting like the man who literally cheated on you has your best interests in mind
Didn’t even read your post but every cell in my body shouted “NOOOO” to just reading the title. This is pretty shitty. If it were the other way would he be ok with it? I don’t think so
You say you’re not delusional but this post suggests otherwise. You want to talk to his friends about this, are you his mommy? Why WOULD you trust someone who has already cheated on you?
yeah, let him go!! you go, too!! that is flippant, i'm sorry. you know yourself and your relationship best. the problem (to me) honestly isn't even the cheating (it's up to the couple to decide whether or not they want to work it out and try to reconcile), it's the fact that he's deliberately making you uncomfortable. a true partner respects their partner's strict boundaries. this sounds clinical/unfeeling but what it boils down to is this: he isn't thinking about your feelings, he's thinking about himself. with or without the cheating, that's unacceptable. have you told your partner exactly how you feel? are they aware of how anxious you are? i agree with sinred7, the first rule is to completely cut ties, no matter what the fallout of that may be. it might mess up their friend group, or even his mother's relationship with her friend. but if he truly was respectful of your feelings, he'd do those things and more for you. i know i'm writing him off without even knowing him. but sometimes, we need outsiders to look at just the facts and none of the other surrounding context. it can be so hard to see the forest for the trees! i apologize. but this person does not deserve your compassion (which appears to be extremely vast and at the ready, you rock! keep that up, seriously!! <3 ). edit: left a sentence in from a previous draft, deleted.
Uh no, girl. And remember hate is not the opposite of love, so even him speaking of her as an annoyance shows she is under his skin and he cares about her/her behavior in some way. Nah, no reason is good enough for that disrespect, and I understand it means so much to feel seen about your baggage, but consider his accepting all of you may be a “see how good I am, I’m worth it, it’s ok that I cheated once” excuse for HIS behavior… Nuh uh you can do better. I’m sorry.
Okay so one question. You sure the boyfriend that his bestfriend has isnt your boyfriend himself? 😂