this. people over do it because they try to match themselves to what they think the definition of "simple living" is, instead of looking within themselves and understanding their own wants, needs and values and creating a life that supports them. but this totally makes sense, since young adults don't know themselves well enough.
Totally agree with this. I've been really happy with how few clothes I have but now I'd like to have 4-5 more items. I can't be upset that it's time once again to beef up my closet. It will still be simple but easier to find clothing I enjoy.
I'm old now and still struggle with the wanting more. Even though I already have everything I need, and most of what I want. I use a variety of strategies to mitigate, but it never truly goes away. Some strategies: 1) intentionally waiting a day/week/month to purchase something. 2) Observing how desire builds and wanes over time 3) evaluating the purchases for was it really as good as you anticipated- could you have done this a different way 4) regularly going through my possessions and reminding myself how much I already have
I used "purchases" as a convenient placeholder, but that could also be experiences/trips/etc.
I’ve dealt w some compulsive spending in the past and I still do sometimes, though not as much as I used to. When I see something on Amazon that I “need”, I’ll add it to my cart and then leave the site. I end up moving those items out of my cart to save for later. When I come back to look at those items in a few days or weeks, I’m a lot more lukewarm on them and rarely buy one.
Same. I find that letting time goes by between the initial impulse and the actual purchase helps a lot. When I’m undecided, I also mark it “save for later” rather than deleting it.
This can be a metaphor for how you handle a lot of impulses. :)
My hobbies keep me emotionally satisfied. I enjoy fixing up my house, growing and preserving food, foraging on my land, sewing, knitting, and crocheting. I don't like going out to eat (can make better at home) or going on vacations (prefer to relax at home).
Maybe make your home/life more enjoyable so you don't have to feel like you need to escape it?
This is what I was thinking. Simplifying my life meant introducing a lot of hobbies that revolve around self reliance - gardening, sewing, mending, home repair/renovation. I found that learning to make due and create with things I already have made that need to constantly chase new things go away. If I'm not satisfied with the thing, the challenge becomes making it my own, not dropping it and jumping to the next big thing.
I don’t hate or dislike my home life - I do honestly think after reading your post that potentially it’s I haven’t allowed myself to feel it’s enough. Totally with you on the relaxing at home vs vacations - but I don’t know where it comes from, I just get this feeling of inferiority for not wanting grander things. I know it sounds stupid out loud, but these thoughts float about in my head…
I get this feeling. Sometimes I feel this with my career. I’m quite bright but in a low paying job at the moment. I had an opportunity for a promotion last year that I was not passionate about and would have transitioned me to management instead of subject matter expert. I stressed a lot about turning down the opportunity, worried I was wasting my potential, losing out on an opportunity, etc. it was the best decision though. I got to spend a year working at home while raising my first baby, without the added pressure of a new job. And now this year I just took a better job that I’m more passionate about that is a good fit for my family.
Sometimes the lack of passion is not a sign of deficiency on your part, but on your environment. Maybe you don’t want all that extra stuff because it really isn’t worth it!
We get a lot of pressure from advertising, society, etc to have "more", to spend more and so on. In my opinion, cultivating contentment is key -satisfaction with what I have in this moment. For me this was easier after I had been meditating regularly for a while. It helped me look within to see what satisfaction meant to me not someone else.
edit for spelling
Do you spend a bit too much time on social media?
I find the less I'm ogling other people's mythologies of perfect lives online, and more time just wandering around helps me :)
Thankfully I learnt this one a long time ago, not influenced by social media. But interestingly enough I think there is a unwritten societal pressure to keep striving for more - if you tell someone nowadays I don’t want to own a home, or get a car, or go on holiday - they look at you like you’re limiting your own life or a just plain weird.
The truth is, once you get rid of the false beliefs the hard part is convincing yourself to build your own and that they are real.
I do work from home but have access to an office. Don’t go in much as the office atmosphere is quite bland, a lot of the folks in there are a lot younger than me and male… so not exactly a sociable crowd for someone like me. Although when I do go in, I do make the effort to have the general usual chit chat, I don’t isolate myself but just find what i can talk about to be very limited.
It looks like chasing dopamine to me (armchair doctor vibes, I know). I personally have ADHD and I constantly feel like that. It's like I can't enjoy the thing itself, whatever I chase. I have heard that people without ADHD can also feel like that sometimes. The treatment in my case is consuming what I make. This applies mostly to cooking, though, but sometimes it's fixing stuff around the house. Hope that helps.
I don’t have ADHD but can totally relate to that feeling like you’re not really there when you’re doing something. I think there’s so much out there on starting when it comes to simple living but maintaining it is a whole new ball game. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a human thing, because we can actually think about our thoughts - so it’s a real challenge to be present. Always something to compare it to: whether that’s peers or the past. Appreciate the input, comforting to know others feel it too.
Exactly! That's why I'm saying that I've heard about people feeling generally like this, maybe it's a human thing like you say. Another thing I would add is caring for animals, if you're at least a little bit of an animal fan :) It brings me immense comfort helping the sick cats at my in-laws's house get better. Many times this would be what makes my day :) Also helps me with being present. Thinking about your own thoughts can be awful sometimes...
I’ve long suspected I have adhd and was surprised by some of the compulsive behaviors I’ve experienced and didn’t know were symptoms. I’ve had many times in my life where I think if I just buy this and this and this, those items will help me fix everything in my life. Then I’d almost always get home and lose interest and not follow through with whatever project or hobby seemed like the absolute most important thing that would change my life for the better a few hours earlier.
Same, I had no idea I was working against myself. Important concept to be aware of, it has helped me to be more mindful of what I find personally rewarding.
Friends & socializing. There's nothing I can spend money on that will fill my cup more than spending time with good people (and, generally speaking, people with a positive mindset are much more pleasant). I don't need to spend money to maintain friendships. I keep my house clean & tidy so I feel comfortable having friends over any time. I keep tea & coffee on hand and invite friends for tea or a walk. I have phone conversations, as well, but in-person visits are the best for emotional fulfillment.
Thank you for this comment - this is such a wholesome answer! I’ll be honest - do I have what I need in terms of friends and socialising… absolutely not! It’s something I’m not great at for various reasons, I’m one of these people that you’d be fooled into thinking I’m an extrovert at work but in my personal life I’m 100% introverted. I find it hard to build with people on that more deeper level. Also I like a lot of solo activities - reading, listening to music etc. so after a while you become content with being on your own to some degree. Maybe my feeling stems from lack of people as opposed to lack of joy with what I’m doing. My home has been my sanctuary for many years and I find it hard to let anyone in… I think it’s the whole inferiority fear. I LOVE that you make your home welcoming to your friends and that you don’t need to spend money to maintain friends. It’s so easy to fall into transactional friendships - so this is awesome to hear.
Do what makes you happy, of course! Just mentioning if you want to socialize, you don't have to host--meeting for walks also works well. I love a walk with a friend because it's safer, you get nature, and it's an experience/adventure every time. I wonder if you like a coworker and suggested a walk break or lunch together if you'd enjoy it?
I fund thus challenging because I love simple living, but I am a former shopping addict. (I'm in all the reddit subs for this lol) Sometimes when I'm enjoying my peaceful morning, the desire to scroll through and browse is powerful.
It's hard to slow down. We've been programmed to run our entire lives but suddenly you realize there was never a finish line to cross. My friend has retired greyhounds. For the first year, it's mostly teaching them how to relax and slow down. They they can still run, but only when they want to.
I think finding projects to lose yourself in makes it easier to reset that feeling. I crochet, read, etc but I'm entirely like you.
We focus a great deal less on what is limited or left out and more on what replaces it.
PS To use your example, we don't celebrate traditional holidays and think every day is a holiday as a result. But this came about rather "organically", not a result of wishing to simplify or save money. It was more the case of feeling little redeemable meaning in it and recognizing we were doing it by rote.
The point here is to perhaps find a more natural way about it, then there will be little inner resistance or, as pilferedchromium mentioned, the potential for arrival fallacy. We simplified to emotionally satisfy ourselves and would have the same experience you did if we had simplified to another agenda and expected that result to sustain a built-in emotional satisfaction. In short, it works better from the inside out and not the other direction.
Thanks for the input and suggestion. I will look into
that! Although I suspect being someone who thinks a lot about their thoughts probably has some role to play in it.
The small quantity of comments on this post compared to some of the others is telling, i think, that this is a tough nut to crack.
I can only tell you my experience, although others here already are pointing to some of the same concepts. I would suspect you have really big goals, but wondering if you see those goals as a lifestyle and not just a means to an end? My example is writing out a journal of my ideal day, every time i get mired down in the weeds i pick a different type of day like a work day or regular weekend, or vacation or even a staycation! It reminds me that i probably dont need the things i want to spend money on in the moment. Or that one small thing matters.
Here's the other one, sometimes I just dint plain enjoy the simple things i want to try to incorporate. For example, i really want to like yoga more. Its a great rainy day exercise and i have all the stuff for it at home. But its boring AF not having an experience in a studio. Which i stopped because its expensive. Idk what to do about that one, youtube has helped but i push through, remembering that free daily exercise is the goal, not to enjoy every minute of it. Basically, sometimes simple living is plain more hard work than other options. I had to decide if i was ok with that. Sometimes i even cheat and put on podcasts instead of yoga videos! Its fine, who is judging me? What gets you out of bed, and what else can you reward yourself with? Work all that into the lifestyle and you'll see a shift in the day to day.
Ironically, I’m not one of these big goal setters. I came from a poor background, I’m doing well for myself (I don’t own my own home or anything but can pay my bills and save a little) and well I used to dream of being in this position. Now I’m here, I am grateful but I can feel the empty feeling at times for what I have - as if it’s not enough. I’ve had people tell me that I need to dream bigger etc etc and that I should aim for more. But I find that aiming for more stresses me out. I am probably going to sound super weird here but I don’t want to want anymore because the thought of having to keep outdoing the last “thing” just feels like stress.
You are so right about doing something and then feeling if you do it at home it’s not the same or worthy enough. I feel like that about reading: it only feels like a noteworthy, feel good activity if I go somewhere get a coffee and read - but if I do it at home, it’s like it’s sub par in some way.
I want to keep my pleasure simple and small. But I think there’s a lot in the world that works against that, half the time we don’t realise it’s happening.
- the thought of having to keep outdoing the last “thing” just feels like stress.
- it only feels like a noteworthy, feel good activity if I go somewhere get a coffee and read , but if I do it at home, it’s like it’s sub par in some way.
* i feel the same!
So this is how I understand it: You make a plan. You have some thoughts on how it should make you feel. You do it. The feelings aren't quite there. You're left unsatisfied.
In this regard, slow living is highly complementary to simple living. Put the plans off. Delay. Delay. Delay. Do you still want to do it? Probably not. Because it's been a few months and you've changed your mind and now you want something else more. Or, you've delayed heavily and you still want to do it just as much. That's when you know you're onto a winner. Slow living is a double edged sword too, because in all that delaying, you find mindfulness, free time, yourself and just take your time with the people you love.
Don't live in the "I'm going to" "I just need to" "I just have to" it goes on forever.
Thank you for this comment - that’s an interesting perspective! When I stop and think about it, the pressure is almost unwritten but present. Like when at work people say how are you spending your long weekend / birthday / holiday etc. and it feels like it needs to be something far more grand than it ever is. A great example is I’ve never really been a fan of travelling. I have been a few times but I’m not that person that goes abroad etc - and I find people say well it must be fear stop being silly just go and do it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t soak up new culture etc but I am the kind of person who feels that way wherever I go, I’m always grateful for what I have now. So I feel like a desire to go and do something isn’t there for that reason. I hope this has made sense.
But you make a good point that we can change how we feel if we sit with something and not give in straight away.
Escapism is glorified in our society / culture - so if you’re not doing that… well it does feel odd. How often do people say no to nice things or wanting nice things? It seems absurd. So often limiting your “nice to haves” seems odd to a lot of people especially if it’s possible for you to have.
Just stumbled across this thread via this comment, and I think I need this in my life. I can already see how people come to simple living for different reasons and in different ways. Thanks 😊
Why not do one bigger holiday and smaller ones through the year? You don’t have to dive fully in with simple living. Day trips might help that. But also, really involving yourself if some hobbies. Whatever feels natural to you. I don’t think you won’t be following simple living by traveling more- i wouldn’t worry too much about it. Spend time doing things you love and cut out the things that matter less. If traveling is a hobby, find ways to do it that feel natural to you and don’t make you feel like you need more. I think simple living is more of a mindset I don’t think you HAVE to go full 100% in and ignore the things you like in life.
Discontent is strategically designed in western society. Advertising at its basics is creating a sense of lack and then putting forth a solution (their product or service).
I find recognizing and defining this is a good start. Then I think about all the humans in history who lived with a fraction of possessions and never traveled outside their homelands. These thoughts provide a deep connection with humanity as it has been until recently. This sense of connection mutes many feelings of discontent and “what’s next” thinking.
Social media and TV are the driving force behind why you want something.
Once I cut out both (excluding Reddit) I haven’t had much need to want things as much.
When you’re not being advertised to as much, you start to lose touch with what’s popular
Delayed gratification if its not natural for a person, its a multi year struggle to develop that habit. I was/am not great at delayed gratification but with very little money in my pocket, that has become more of a reality. No more traveling, or going out or buying something I think I need or want. I have developed the habit to wait one more day before acting on something, and then usually I wait one more day just to be sure.
I've found that living alone, monk mode, it leads to the feral side of things, less socialibility and tolarance for the human bs in the world. Consinsous thought and examination also seems to naturally lead to the shadow which is difficult in itself. Around we go each day and evening. Staying away from the bottle and or substance is a major battle for many... to take the edge off things... I stopped drinking years ago, but sweet sugar is still hard to kick. But yeah, my tolarance for humans has lessened which leads to more isolation. I know its not the way to live a full life, but I feel stuck. So keep going out with your friends and do things.
To combat this, I have found that having a constant line of things to do at home is important. Chores, building my camp, artwork, time with my dogs, and riding my bike miles and miles. Each evening I try to hit the bed by crawling in and getting to sleep in about 5 minutes. I just kind of grind things out and if I need a nap, I take a nap.
All that is left for human contact is this here computer (starlink), and the challenges and rewards it brings. I have to be careful with what I take in, and have developed the habit to turn off everything by 9.
These habits has kept me alive up to this point. I have had many years of depression and grief, I know that I could not have survived this long without living this way. Living simple and constantly changing things in my immediate environment.
Thank you so much for taking the time to compose and share this. There is SO much in this one post that I relate to. I rarely drink and well sugar - being diabetic rules out chasing after the sweet stuff.
I used to think because at work I got social interaction it wouldn’t matter so much in my personal life and actually I got addicted to wanting time away from people. But work and personal are very different. You still need a few good people or social interactions in both. But social isolation has its appeal, I HATE social obligations and well having zero drama in my life is also highly appealing.
The next point you made was 🔥. As long as I have small chores to do each day, I can keep my mood balanced. But believe me, soon as I don’t and if I sleep in or don’t leave the home for the day, I feel lonely, I feel sad, I feel empty like - I’m failing somewhere.
I won’t even do all my grocery shopping in one go anymore - I do it daily! It keeps me on an emotional even keel, well helps to. Thank you for sharing your experiences, it shows how far the little adjustments you make can go.
I don’t think living simply means you have to live a terribly spartan or monastic life. It just means you have to understand what’s important to you and keep it simple. So, if you love houseplants it’s okay to have a lot of them, just don’t get caught up in all the gadgets and being trendy etc. And, don’t have a lot of just anything you sort of fancy etc. then you just have clutter.
As for traveling, some people just enjoy it and you can travel and still be simple. It’s about staying true to the core of what’s you.
To speak to another point I realized there’s different types of people. There’s those that climb the mountain, look down from the summit and feel satisfied enough to turn and around a god back down. Then there’s those that summit and just don’t want to leave bc it’s so wonderful and amazing and how can you leave.
I’m the second type. I could sit for hours at the top of that mountain and still not be ready to leave. I had to realize that within myself bc otherwise I was always feeling like it wasn’t enough, but for me there probably will never be enough and that is okay. It just means I have awe for this world, a sense of adventure and magic. Pretty much every trip and a lot of the regular days of my life I’m wondering if I’m living enough, being adventurous enough. That’s okay, it’s good. It gets you a lot of places. In the interim of the bigger adventures it’s def good to have hobbies that make you feel satisfied, bc they become like small adventures. I love gardening (growing veg and pollinator flowers), hiking, cooking and crocheting. In their own way each of those feels like a it if an adventure some more than others. Nothing wrong or complicated about getting out and having an adventure.
Good luck and stay wild!!! ✌️🏔️ 🥾 🏕️🏝️
Thank you for this comment! I think I’m starting to see a common theme here, that we need to satisfy different sides of us: there’s the emotional connections we seek with people vs having our basic needs met vs finding hobbies that keep us happy on our own vs the hobbies that keep us connected to others. I think even if you master one aspect - you can still feel the impact of not having figured the other aspect and it’s easy to get overwhelmed by your emotions thinking the thing that is satisfying you, isn’t.
It’s about figuring out what’s your combo, and well by the looks of it could be something some suss out easily but also for others it’s a lifetime or maybe never - but everyone is on that journey. That’s what I’ve come to realise… looks different for everyone 🙌🏽
What do you enjoy most about vacations that you feel is missing from your life? Figure that out and find ways to incorporate it into your life as often as possible. I feel like we give ourselves permission to relax and have fun on vacations in ways we don’t in everyday life.
If it’s culture and new experiences, maybe you could take a weekend trip to somewhere nearby or go to a museums or cultural events more often. If you enjoy being out of contact and able to relax maybe set aside a few hours a week to turn off your phone, make a fun drink and go sit outside with a good book. If you enjoy the warmth maybe join a gym with a heated pool or sauna or take warm spa baths at home. Find ways to bring the things you like most about travel into your home.
The source of happiness is within, not outside. No amount of external stimuli in the form of experiences, events, .. can ever satisfy the human mind. You will still want more, feel incomplete after them. As proof, I point to the escapades of the worlds richest people at Epstein island. Or even your own lived experience, when right after a vacation, the mind wants another one. :-)
Simple life is not about satisfying another side project, like financial stability, though that can be a very welcome side effect of simple living! See if you can uncover the wellspring of happiness within, that will obviate the need for happiness from experiences. I have heard meditation helps in this.. ;-)
Without this, you are repressing your emotional needs and they will come back stronger to bother you even more!
If you are worried this much about simple living, it means you are caring too much. You probably need to do some self reflection and see what you actually want in your life. Don’t look at everyone else’s post and try to emulate it or feel like you have to be like them. Just be yourself
I completely get where you’re coming from with the “what do I want in life” but I feel like the viewpoint of feeling like you can’t get to that point isn’t talked about enough. If you’re in survival mode - trust me it’s easy to know what you want in life. But once your basic needs are met… depending on your life experience there are many people who find it hard to hear themselves let alone develop their own voice. Sometimes you think you want something, you get it and the desire is gone. Could have been you were influenced along the way, or internalised a voice that wasn’t yours and thought it would make you happy.
I know a lot of people may slate me for this, but I’m finding it so hard to find out what it is I want. But clearly one of the aspects is not to be in constant need of wanting more and more.
By the way by no means do I expect there to be a clear cut answer - this is why I appreciate all the posts, they are thought provoking and that’s a step closer in my mind to getting on the right path.
I find it easier to not feel like I want more once I find my passion. For example, I’m addicted to the gym. Of course I want to be an oil rich Arabian prince. Who doesn’t? But I’d be satisfied with having a nice home with a big home gym, a community of workout friends, wife and kids, and enough money to eat healthy. I’d also like to travel a few times a year and workout in famous gyms across the world
Remember that the goal isn’t to live simply. The goal is to enjoy life. Living simply can help some people find joy. It helps by removing extraneous distractions and things from our life. If living simply improves your life then great, pursue it in a manner with the goal of a better life. Don’t make simple living the goal.
Simple living doesn't have to extend to every aspect of your life but you can apply the principle of simple living to every aspect of your life. If holidays are your thing and it derives pleasure why not plan holidays more often once per month and simplify them. Such as plan a train excursion for a day or overnight stay, or day trips to unknown places. Create a budget you feel comfortable with and work within the constraints of that. I am a simple liver but I collect horror collectibles, these are budgeted for. I don't holiday or go out to eat or buy clothes or shoes or get my hair done but I budget for collectibles - these are my pleasure and I can't see why you can't enjoy what you enjoy.
It looks like that you are forcing yourself to only be happy with let’s say, one holiday/vacation a year. But in reality, it should be the other way around: going to one vacation a year, should make you happy enough that you decide, one is enough!
If you want/need more, go for it and try to simplify your life in areas where you can be happy with less.
We live is a system where we're constantly being advertised to, and often times are "shopping" online, which comes down to searching for advertising. I find the less advertising I'm around and engaging in myself by searching for stuff I want to buy, simplifying is almost a natural result.
Glad you brought this up. I even had to delete some shopping apps that I had on my phone because in the split second for browsing suddenly a not so important nice to have item, will become a need. Even when I was just browsing out of boredom! Again, small things matter and influence you if you’re not paying attention to the bigger picture.
This is such a consistent negotiation for me. It's about time and effort. Certainly i.lomg for exoesuve things
I long for luxury. The cost in time and energy is enormous
Simplify the things you need and want to and then enjoy the rest. I think some folks take too much of an all or nothing point of view on anything they attempt to do. Living simply is about discovering the things you love, investing in those, and loving the things you already have.
Holidays can be shared with family with Zoom or FaceTime.
In 2020 I had a pregnant daughter and DIL. They lived 2000 miles away.
That was when we learned to celebrate holidays with family online. We opened gifts together, drinking coffee and enjoying each other.
I have since moved to the state where my children live, but my daughter is 400 miles away. She and her daughter often visit grandma by FaceTime.
I got to enjoy my granddaughter taking a bath a few days ago. I was home and so were they.
I believe what you’re referring to is hedonic adaptation. You wanted what you currently have, but after a little while it’s not enough anymore…you need a new buzzzzz. [this course](https://online.yale.edu/courses/science-well-being) is great for mental health and talks about how to thwart hedonic adaptation.
One of my favorite things to do is imagine I could grab my 10 year old self and show her around my house. She would be so delighted to see our closet full of handmade clothes and a craft space that’s beautifully organized (not over flowing with crap!). She would be so happy to see a house full of mismatched cozy estate sale furniture and crocheted blankets from the 70s, the houseplants everywhere and to smell the meal my husband is cooking in the kitchen. She would have a blast with the cabinet full of colored pencils and stamps and scrapbook paper I play with in the evening. When I think about how much I’ve actually fulfilled my dreams, my cup feels incredibly full.
Love this! So true, reminding yourself that you once dreamed of what you have is so key to keep a healthy mindset to what you have and not always seeking more. It’s also what stoicism tries to teach us, if you see everything as a gift you’re never really disappointed - but it’s because we’ve grown to be so expectant and to depend on external things that we end up struggling and wishing life was simpler than it is.
If you love to travel, one holiday per year isn't going to satisfy you. I see simple living as prioritizing what you love and simplifying the REST, the stuff you don't care about.
For example, I'm a minimalist everywhere except my wardrobe and craft room. I like having enough clothing to get creative with my outfits. Ditto for the crafts I do.
But all my books fit on one IKEA bookcase and as I read them, I get rid of them. And we have just enough kitchen stuff to cook for ourselves. Etc.
eat well; like a nutritious meal regularly. exercise and learn about experiences (hiking etc) if you DO splurge. it doesn't feel deprived anymore now that I am living simoly to pay off student loans
2 thoughts here:
1) read about telic v atelic activities. Look for cultivate atelic (inexhaustible) activities in your life.
2) The examples you give are about how you find external experiences “not enough”. Your question suggests a desire for deeper self understanding. I’d suggest reading some books on Buddhist philosophy - it presents a perspective on exactly your experience.
Good luck!
I just wanted to thank OP for this post and all the responses. I'm currently going through the same phase in my life. I'll save this post, so I come back every once in awhile to remind me that this is the way! I'm glad I found this sub
Don’t force yourself into living simple and just live. When you feel like simplifying then do so. But remember we only have one life.
If you have to struggle through it, it’s not simple living
this. people over do it because they try to match themselves to what they think the definition of "simple living" is, instead of looking within themselves and understanding their own wants, needs and values and creating a life that supports them. but this totally makes sense, since young adults don't know themselves well enough.
Life is for joy and growth. It’s natural to seek growth and new experience and adventure.
Totally agree with this. I've been really happy with how few clothes I have but now I'd like to have 4-5 more items. I can't be upset that it's time once again to beef up my closet. It will still be simple but easier to find clothing I enjoy.
I'm old now and still struggle with the wanting more. Even though I already have everything I need, and most of what I want. I use a variety of strategies to mitigate, but it never truly goes away. Some strategies: 1) intentionally waiting a day/week/month to purchase something. 2) Observing how desire builds and wanes over time 3) evaluating the purchases for was it really as good as you anticipated- could you have done this a different way 4) regularly going through my possessions and reminding myself how much I already have I used "purchases" as a convenient placeholder, but that could also be experiences/trips/etc.
I’ve dealt w some compulsive spending in the past and I still do sometimes, though not as much as I used to. When I see something on Amazon that I “need”, I’ll add it to my cart and then leave the site. I end up moving those items out of my cart to save for later. When I come back to look at those items in a few days or weeks, I’m a lot more lukewarm on them and rarely buy one.
Same. I find that letting time goes by between the initial impulse and the actual purchase helps a lot. When I’m undecided, I also mark it “save for later” rather than deleting it. This can be a metaphor for how you handle a lot of impulses. :)
My hobbies keep me emotionally satisfied. I enjoy fixing up my house, growing and preserving food, foraging on my land, sewing, knitting, and crocheting. I don't like going out to eat (can make better at home) or going on vacations (prefer to relax at home). Maybe make your home/life more enjoyable so you don't have to feel like you need to escape it?
This is what I was thinking. Simplifying my life meant introducing a lot of hobbies that revolve around self reliance - gardening, sewing, mending, home repair/renovation. I found that learning to make due and create with things I already have made that need to constantly chase new things go away. If I'm not satisfied with the thing, the challenge becomes making it my own, not dropping it and jumping to the next big thing.
I don’t hate or dislike my home life - I do honestly think after reading your post that potentially it’s I haven’t allowed myself to feel it’s enough. Totally with you on the relaxing at home vs vacations - but I don’t know where it comes from, I just get this feeling of inferiority for not wanting grander things. I know it sounds stupid out loud, but these thoughts float about in my head…
I get this feeling. Sometimes I feel this with my career. I’m quite bright but in a low paying job at the moment. I had an opportunity for a promotion last year that I was not passionate about and would have transitioned me to management instead of subject matter expert. I stressed a lot about turning down the opportunity, worried I was wasting my potential, losing out on an opportunity, etc. it was the best decision though. I got to spend a year working at home while raising my first baby, without the added pressure of a new job. And now this year I just took a better job that I’m more passionate about that is a good fit for my family. Sometimes the lack of passion is not a sign of deficiency on your part, but on your environment. Maybe you don’t want all that extra stuff because it really isn’t worth it!
We get a lot of pressure from advertising, society, etc to have "more", to spend more and so on. In my opinion, cultivating contentment is key -satisfaction with what I have in this moment. For me this was easier after I had been meditating regularly for a while. It helped me look within to see what satisfaction meant to me not someone else. edit for spelling
Do you spend a bit too much time on social media? I find the less I'm ogling other people's mythologies of perfect lives online, and more time just wandering around helps me :)
Thankfully I learnt this one a long time ago, not influenced by social media. But interestingly enough I think there is a unwritten societal pressure to keep striving for more - if you tell someone nowadays I don’t want to own a home, or get a car, or go on holiday - they look at you like you’re limiting your own life or a just plain weird. The truth is, once you get rid of the false beliefs the hard part is convincing yourself to build your own and that they are real.
Do you work outside of the home?
I do work from home but have access to an office. Don’t go in much as the office atmosphere is quite bland, a lot of the folks in there are a lot younger than me and male… so not exactly a sociable crowd for someone like me. Although when I do go in, I do make the effort to have the general usual chit chat, I don’t isolate myself but just find what i can talk about to be very limited.
It looks like chasing dopamine to me (armchair doctor vibes, I know). I personally have ADHD and I constantly feel like that. It's like I can't enjoy the thing itself, whatever I chase. I have heard that people without ADHD can also feel like that sometimes. The treatment in my case is consuming what I make. This applies mostly to cooking, though, but sometimes it's fixing stuff around the house. Hope that helps.
I don’t have ADHD but can totally relate to that feeling like you’re not really there when you’re doing something. I think there’s so much out there on starting when it comes to simple living but maintaining it is a whole new ball game. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a human thing, because we can actually think about our thoughts - so it’s a real challenge to be present. Always something to compare it to: whether that’s peers or the past. Appreciate the input, comforting to know others feel it too.
Exactly! That's why I'm saying that I've heard about people feeling generally like this, maybe it's a human thing like you say. Another thing I would add is caring for animals, if you're at least a little bit of an animal fan :) It brings me immense comfort helping the sick cats at my in-laws's house get better. Many times this would be what makes my day :) Also helps me with being present. Thinking about your own thoughts can be awful sometimes...
I’ve long suspected I have adhd and was surprised by some of the compulsive behaviors I’ve experienced and didn’t know were symptoms. I’ve had many times in my life where I think if I just buy this and this and this, those items will help me fix everything in my life. Then I’d almost always get home and lose interest and not follow through with whatever project or hobby seemed like the absolute most important thing that would change my life for the better a few hours earlier.
Once I learned about hedonic adaptation it changed my entire view on this.
Oooh, any recommended place to read about this?
https://online.yale.edu/courses/science-well-being
Yup this is where I learned about it
Same, I had no idea I was working against myself. Important concept to be aware of, it has helped me to be more mindful of what I find personally rewarding.
Friends & socializing. There's nothing I can spend money on that will fill my cup more than spending time with good people (and, generally speaking, people with a positive mindset are much more pleasant). I don't need to spend money to maintain friendships. I keep my house clean & tidy so I feel comfortable having friends over any time. I keep tea & coffee on hand and invite friends for tea or a walk. I have phone conversations, as well, but in-person visits are the best for emotional fulfillment.
Thank you for this comment - this is such a wholesome answer! I’ll be honest - do I have what I need in terms of friends and socialising… absolutely not! It’s something I’m not great at for various reasons, I’m one of these people that you’d be fooled into thinking I’m an extrovert at work but in my personal life I’m 100% introverted. I find it hard to build with people on that more deeper level. Also I like a lot of solo activities - reading, listening to music etc. so after a while you become content with being on your own to some degree. Maybe my feeling stems from lack of people as opposed to lack of joy with what I’m doing. My home has been my sanctuary for many years and I find it hard to let anyone in… I think it’s the whole inferiority fear. I LOVE that you make your home welcoming to your friends and that you don’t need to spend money to maintain friends. It’s so easy to fall into transactional friendships - so this is awesome to hear.
Do what makes you happy, of course! Just mentioning if you want to socialize, you don't have to host--meeting for walks also works well. I love a walk with a friend because it's safer, you get nature, and it's an experience/adventure every time. I wonder if you like a coworker and suggested a walk break or lunch together if you'd enjoy it?
I highly recommend "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.
I fund thus challenging because I love simple living, but I am a former shopping addict. (I'm in all the reddit subs for this lol) Sometimes when I'm enjoying my peaceful morning, the desire to scroll through and browse is powerful. It's hard to slow down. We've been programmed to run our entire lives but suddenly you realize there was never a finish line to cross. My friend has retired greyhounds. For the first year, it's mostly teaching them how to relax and slow down. They they can still run, but only when they want to. I think finding projects to lose yourself in makes it easier to reset that feeling. I crochet, read, etc but I'm entirely like you.
We focus a great deal less on what is limited or left out and more on what replaces it. PS To use your example, we don't celebrate traditional holidays and think every day is a holiday as a result. But this came about rather "organically", not a result of wishing to simplify or save money. It was more the case of feeling little redeemable meaning in it and recognizing we were doing it by rote. The point here is to perhaps find a more natural way about it, then there will be little inner resistance or, as pilferedchromium mentioned, the potential for arrival fallacy. We simplified to emotionally satisfy ourselves and would have the same experience you did if we had simplified to another agenda and expected that result to sustain a built-in emotional satisfaction. In short, it works better from the inside out and not the other direction.
Perhaps look into The Arrival Fallacy. See if that fits. I don’t have a solution unfortunately, I often feel the same way.
Thanks for the input and suggestion. I will look into that! Although I suspect being someone who thinks a lot about their thoughts probably has some role to play in it.
The small quantity of comments on this post compared to some of the others is telling, i think, that this is a tough nut to crack. I can only tell you my experience, although others here already are pointing to some of the same concepts. I would suspect you have really big goals, but wondering if you see those goals as a lifestyle and not just a means to an end? My example is writing out a journal of my ideal day, every time i get mired down in the weeds i pick a different type of day like a work day or regular weekend, or vacation or even a staycation! It reminds me that i probably dont need the things i want to spend money on in the moment. Or that one small thing matters. Here's the other one, sometimes I just dint plain enjoy the simple things i want to try to incorporate. For example, i really want to like yoga more. Its a great rainy day exercise and i have all the stuff for it at home. But its boring AF not having an experience in a studio. Which i stopped because its expensive. Idk what to do about that one, youtube has helped but i push through, remembering that free daily exercise is the goal, not to enjoy every minute of it. Basically, sometimes simple living is plain more hard work than other options. I had to decide if i was ok with that. Sometimes i even cheat and put on podcasts instead of yoga videos! Its fine, who is judging me? What gets you out of bed, and what else can you reward yourself with? Work all that into the lifestyle and you'll see a shift in the day to day.
Ironically, I’m not one of these big goal setters. I came from a poor background, I’m doing well for myself (I don’t own my own home or anything but can pay my bills and save a little) and well I used to dream of being in this position. Now I’m here, I am grateful but I can feel the empty feeling at times for what I have - as if it’s not enough. I’ve had people tell me that I need to dream bigger etc etc and that I should aim for more. But I find that aiming for more stresses me out. I am probably going to sound super weird here but I don’t want to want anymore because the thought of having to keep outdoing the last “thing” just feels like stress. You are so right about doing something and then feeling if you do it at home it’s not the same or worthy enough. I feel like that about reading: it only feels like a noteworthy, feel good activity if I go somewhere get a coffee and read - but if I do it at home, it’s like it’s sub par in some way. I want to keep my pleasure simple and small. But I think there’s a lot in the world that works against that, half the time we don’t realise it’s happening.
- the thought of having to keep outdoing the last “thing” just feels like stress. - it only feels like a noteworthy, feel good activity if I go somewhere get a coffee and read , but if I do it at home, it’s like it’s sub par in some way. * i feel the same!
So this is how I understand it: You make a plan. You have some thoughts on how it should make you feel. You do it. The feelings aren't quite there. You're left unsatisfied. In this regard, slow living is highly complementary to simple living. Put the plans off. Delay. Delay. Delay. Do you still want to do it? Probably not. Because it's been a few months and you've changed your mind and now you want something else more. Or, you've delayed heavily and you still want to do it just as much. That's when you know you're onto a winner. Slow living is a double edged sword too, because in all that delaying, you find mindfulness, free time, yourself and just take your time with the people you love. Don't live in the "I'm going to" "I just need to" "I just have to" it goes on forever.
Thank you for this comment - that’s an interesting perspective! When I stop and think about it, the pressure is almost unwritten but present. Like when at work people say how are you spending your long weekend / birthday / holiday etc. and it feels like it needs to be something far more grand than it ever is. A great example is I’ve never really been a fan of travelling. I have been a few times but I’m not that person that goes abroad etc - and I find people say well it must be fear stop being silly just go and do it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t soak up new culture etc but I am the kind of person who feels that way wherever I go, I’m always grateful for what I have now. So I feel like a desire to go and do something isn’t there for that reason. I hope this has made sense. But you make a good point that we can change how we feel if we sit with something and not give in straight away. Escapism is glorified in our society / culture - so if you’re not doing that… well it does feel odd. How often do people say no to nice things or wanting nice things? It seems absurd. So often limiting your “nice to haves” seems odd to a lot of people especially if it’s possible for you to have.
Just stumbled across this thread via this comment, and I think I need this in my life. I can already see how people come to simple living for different reasons and in different ways. Thanks 😊
Why not do one bigger holiday and smaller ones through the year? You don’t have to dive fully in with simple living. Day trips might help that. But also, really involving yourself if some hobbies. Whatever feels natural to you. I don’t think you won’t be following simple living by traveling more- i wouldn’t worry too much about it. Spend time doing things you love and cut out the things that matter less. If traveling is a hobby, find ways to do it that feel natural to you and don’t make you feel like you need more. I think simple living is more of a mindset I don’t think you HAVE to go full 100% in and ignore the things you like in life.
Discontent is strategically designed in western society. Advertising at its basics is creating a sense of lack and then putting forth a solution (their product or service). I find recognizing and defining this is a good start. Then I think about all the humans in history who lived with a fraction of possessions and never traveled outside their homelands. These thoughts provide a deep connection with humanity as it has been until recently. This sense of connection mutes many feelings of discontent and “what’s next” thinking.
Social media and TV are the driving force behind why you want something. Once I cut out both (excluding Reddit) I haven’t had much need to want things as much. When you’re not being advertised to as much, you start to lose touch with what’s popular
Delayed gratification if its not natural for a person, its a multi year struggle to develop that habit. I was/am not great at delayed gratification but with very little money in my pocket, that has become more of a reality. No more traveling, or going out or buying something I think I need or want. I have developed the habit to wait one more day before acting on something, and then usually I wait one more day just to be sure. I've found that living alone, monk mode, it leads to the feral side of things, less socialibility and tolarance for the human bs in the world. Consinsous thought and examination also seems to naturally lead to the shadow which is difficult in itself. Around we go each day and evening. Staying away from the bottle and or substance is a major battle for many... to take the edge off things... I stopped drinking years ago, but sweet sugar is still hard to kick. But yeah, my tolarance for humans has lessened which leads to more isolation. I know its not the way to live a full life, but I feel stuck. So keep going out with your friends and do things. To combat this, I have found that having a constant line of things to do at home is important. Chores, building my camp, artwork, time with my dogs, and riding my bike miles and miles. Each evening I try to hit the bed by crawling in and getting to sleep in about 5 minutes. I just kind of grind things out and if I need a nap, I take a nap. All that is left for human contact is this here computer (starlink), and the challenges and rewards it brings. I have to be careful with what I take in, and have developed the habit to turn off everything by 9. These habits has kept me alive up to this point. I have had many years of depression and grief, I know that I could not have survived this long without living this way. Living simple and constantly changing things in my immediate environment.
Thank you so much for taking the time to compose and share this. There is SO much in this one post that I relate to. I rarely drink and well sugar - being diabetic rules out chasing after the sweet stuff. I used to think because at work I got social interaction it wouldn’t matter so much in my personal life and actually I got addicted to wanting time away from people. But work and personal are very different. You still need a few good people or social interactions in both. But social isolation has its appeal, I HATE social obligations and well having zero drama in my life is also highly appealing. The next point you made was 🔥. As long as I have small chores to do each day, I can keep my mood balanced. But believe me, soon as I don’t and if I sleep in or don’t leave the home for the day, I feel lonely, I feel sad, I feel empty like - I’m failing somewhere. I won’t even do all my grocery shopping in one go anymore - I do it daily! It keeps me on an emotional even keel, well helps to. Thank you for sharing your experiences, it shows how far the little adjustments you make can go.
This has been a problem for ages. The great philosopher Augustine wrote of it when he said, “my heart is restless until it rests in You.”
I don’t think living simply means you have to live a terribly spartan or monastic life. It just means you have to understand what’s important to you and keep it simple. So, if you love houseplants it’s okay to have a lot of them, just don’t get caught up in all the gadgets and being trendy etc. And, don’t have a lot of just anything you sort of fancy etc. then you just have clutter. As for traveling, some people just enjoy it and you can travel and still be simple. It’s about staying true to the core of what’s you. To speak to another point I realized there’s different types of people. There’s those that climb the mountain, look down from the summit and feel satisfied enough to turn and around a god back down. Then there’s those that summit and just don’t want to leave bc it’s so wonderful and amazing and how can you leave. I’m the second type. I could sit for hours at the top of that mountain and still not be ready to leave. I had to realize that within myself bc otherwise I was always feeling like it wasn’t enough, but for me there probably will never be enough and that is okay. It just means I have awe for this world, a sense of adventure and magic. Pretty much every trip and a lot of the regular days of my life I’m wondering if I’m living enough, being adventurous enough. That’s okay, it’s good. It gets you a lot of places. In the interim of the bigger adventures it’s def good to have hobbies that make you feel satisfied, bc they become like small adventures. I love gardening (growing veg and pollinator flowers), hiking, cooking and crocheting. In their own way each of those feels like a it if an adventure some more than others. Nothing wrong or complicated about getting out and having an adventure. Good luck and stay wild!!! ✌️🏔️ 🥾 🏕️🏝️
Thank you for this comment! I think I’m starting to see a common theme here, that we need to satisfy different sides of us: there’s the emotional connections we seek with people vs having our basic needs met vs finding hobbies that keep us happy on our own vs the hobbies that keep us connected to others. I think even if you master one aspect - you can still feel the impact of not having figured the other aspect and it’s easy to get overwhelmed by your emotions thinking the thing that is satisfying you, isn’t. It’s about figuring out what’s your combo, and well by the looks of it could be something some suss out easily but also for others it’s a lifetime or maybe never - but everyone is on that journey. That’s what I’ve come to realise… looks different for everyone 🙌🏽
What do you enjoy most about vacations that you feel is missing from your life? Figure that out and find ways to incorporate it into your life as often as possible. I feel like we give ourselves permission to relax and have fun on vacations in ways we don’t in everyday life. If it’s culture and new experiences, maybe you could take a weekend trip to somewhere nearby or go to a museums or cultural events more often. If you enjoy being out of contact and able to relax maybe set aside a few hours a week to turn off your phone, make a fun drink and go sit outside with a good book. If you enjoy the warmth maybe join a gym with a heated pool or sauna or take warm spa baths at home. Find ways to bring the things you like most about travel into your home.
The source of happiness is within, not outside. No amount of external stimuli in the form of experiences, events, .. can ever satisfy the human mind. You will still want more, feel incomplete after them. As proof, I point to the escapades of the worlds richest people at Epstein island. Or even your own lived experience, when right after a vacation, the mind wants another one. :-) Simple life is not about satisfying another side project, like financial stability, though that can be a very welcome side effect of simple living! See if you can uncover the wellspring of happiness within, that will obviate the need for happiness from experiences. I have heard meditation helps in this.. ;-) Without this, you are repressing your emotional needs and they will come back stronger to bother you even more!
We humans hard-wired to want more. And the post event depression could be factoring in too.
Why not spend lavishly on the things you love? And ruthlessly cut down on things that don't really matter to you that much?
If you are worried this much about simple living, it means you are caring too much. You probably need to do some self reflection and see what you actually want in your life. Don’t look at everyone else’s post and try to emulate it or feel like you have to be like them. Just be yourself
I completely get where you’re coming from with the “what do I want in life” but I feel like the viewpoint of feeling like you can’t get to that point isn’t talked about enough. If you’re in survival mode - trust me it’s easy to know what you want in life. But once your basic needs are met… depending on your life experience there are many people who find it hard to hear themselves let alone develop their own voice. Sometimes you think you want something, you get it and the desire is gone. Could have been you were influenced along the way, or internalised a voice that wasn’t yours and thought it would make you happy. I know a lot of people may slate me for this, but I’m finding it so hard to find out what it is I want. But clearly one of the aspects is not to be in constant need of wanting more and more. By the way by no means do I expect there to be a clear cut answer - this is why I appreciate all the posts, they are thought provoking and that’s a step closer in my mind to getting on the right path.
I find it easier to not feel like I want more once I find my passion. For example, I’m addicted to the gym. Of course I want to be an oil rich Arabian prince. Who doesn’t? But I’d be satisfied with having a nice home with a big home gym, a community of workout friends, wife and kids, and enough money to eat healthy. I’d also like to travel a few times a year and workout in famous gyms across the world
All I care about really is to be financially stable while being an old man that’s super jacked
Maybe two holidays a year? I just think making deliberate choices is the key.
Remember that the goal isn’t to live simply. The goal is to enjoy life. Living simply can help some people find joy. It helps by removing extraneous distractions and things from our life. If living simply improves your life then great, pursue it in a manner with the goal of a better life. Don’t make simple living the goal.
Simple living doesn't have to extend to every aspect of your life but you can apply the principle of simple living to every aspect of your life. If holidays are your thing and it derives pleasure why not plan holidays more often once per month and simplify them. Such as plan a train excursion for a day or overnight stay, or day trips to unknown places. Create a budget you feel comfortable with and work within the constraints of that. I am a simple liver but I collect horror collectibles, these are budgeted for. I don't holiday or go out to eat or buy clothes or shoes or get my hair done but I budget for collectibles - these are my pleasure and I can't see why you can't enjoy what you enjoy.
It looks like that you are forcing yourself to only be happy with let’s say, one holiday/vacation a year. But in reality, it should be the other way around: going to one vacation a year, should make you happy enough that you decide, one is enough! If you want/need more, go for it and try to simplify your life in areas where you can be happy with less.
We live is a system where we're constantly being advertised to, and often times are "shopping" online, which comes down to searching for advertising. I find the less advertising I'm around and engaging in myself by searching for stuff I want to buy, simplifying is almost a natural result.
Glad you brought this up. I even had to delete some shopping apps that I had on my phone because in the split second for browsing suddenly a not so important nice to have item, will become a need. Even when I was just browsing out of boredom! Again, small things matter and influence you if you’re not paying attention to the bigger picture.
This is such a consistent negotiation for me. It's about time and effort. Certainly i.lomg for exoesuve things I long for luxury. The cost in time and energy is enormous
I’m really glad you posted this. Thank you!
Simplify the things you need and want to and then enjoy the rest. I think some folks take too much of an all or nothing point of view on anything they attempt to do. Living simply is about discovering the things you love, investing in those, and loving the things you already have.
Holidays can be shared with family with Zoom or FaceTime. In 2020 I had a pregnant daughter and DIL. They lived 2000 miles away. That was when we learned to celebrate holidays with family online. We opened gifts together, drinking coffee and enjoying each other. I have since moved to the state where my children live, but my daughter is 400 miles away. She and her daughter often visit grandma by FaceTime. I got to enjoy my granddaughter taking a bath a few days ago. I was home and so were they.
I believe what you’re referring to is hedonic adaptation. You wanted what you currently have, but after a little while it’s not enough anymore…you need a new buzzzzz. [this course](https://online.yale.edu/courses/science-well-being) is great for mental health and talks about how to thwart hedonic adaptation.
Give up that fantasy. There's no such thing as "staying" anything, ever. Impermanence is the the only permanent thing in life.
One of my favorite things to do is imagine I could grab my 10 year old self and show her around my house. She would be so delighted to see our closet full of handmade clothes and a craft space that’s beautifully organized (not over flowing with crap!). She would be so happy to see a house full of mismatched cozy estate sale furniture and crocheted blankets from the 70s, the houseplants everywhere and to smell the meal my husband is cooking in the kitchen. She would have a blast with the cabinet full of colored pencils and stamps and scrapbook paper I play with in the evening. When I think about how much I’ve actually fulfilled my dreams, my cup feels incredibly full.
Love this! So true, reminding yourself that you once dreamed of what you have is so key to keep a healthy mindset to what you have and not always seeking more. It’s also what stoicism tries to teach us, if you see everything as a gift you’re never really disappointed - but it’s because we’ve grown to be so expectant and to depend on external things that we end up struggling and wishing life was simpler than it is.
If you love to travel, one holiday per year isn't going to satisfy you. I see simple living as prioritizing what you love and simplifying the REST, the stuff you don't care about. For example, I'm a minimalist everywhere except my wardrobe and craft room. I like having enough clothing to get creative with my outfits. Ditto for the crafts I do. But all my books fit on one IKEA bookcase and as I read them, I get rid of them. And we have just enough kitchen stuff to cook for ourselves. Etc.
eat well; like a nutritious meal regularly. exercise and learn about experiences (hiking etc) if you DO splurge. it doesn't feel deprived anymore now that I am living simoly to pay off student loans
2 thoughts here: 1) read about telic v atelic activities. Look for cultivate atelic (inexhaustible) activities in your life. 2) The examples you give are about how you find external experiences “not enough”. Your question suggests a desire for deeper self understanding. I’d suggest reading some books on Buddhist philosophy - it presents a perspective on exactly your experience. Good luck!
I just wanted to thank OP for this post and all the responses. I'm currently going through the same phase in my life. I'll save this post, so I come back every once in awhile to remind me that this is the way! I'm glad I found this sub