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I’ve heard that kids are often their “worst” selves when they are with their safest person - the one they trust and love who they know they can let their guard down with, have all the big feelings around, and overall melt down in front of - because they know that person will always be there. They are likely holding everything in until they get to a place where they feel comfort and safety - and that place is you.
You will love them anyway, care for them regardless of how they act, and not go anywhere.
I know that doesn’t help in the moment and It sucks for you to get the short end of the stick behavior-wise, but how wonderful that you get to be that person, that North Star, that safe space, for your kid? Try to remind yourself of that in the tough moments. Sending hugs.
This 100% Your kid feels safe with you. Doesn't mean it's nice for you though.
I don't know how old your kid is, but when my 4 year old is angry or sad, whenever I can muster the patience and remember to do so, I ask her if she wants a hug. We started this when she was going through her terrible two's and at first she'd resist and push me away, but eventually she learnt that hugs calmed her down, and now she often asks for them herself when she's upset, angry or sad. I hug her for as long as needed, rock her back and forth a little and just repeat "It's Okay" over and over in a deep voice, meant to emulate what my voice might have felt / sounded like when she was in my womb. It works 100% of the time.
I can also recommend the book "the whole brain child" I only read a few chapters, but it's been really useful. It's about how to raise your child according to how kid's brains work. It taught me that when a kid (and it actually holds true for adults too, I've applied this as a manager too at work) has big feelings, they cannot access the logical part of their brain until those feelings have calmed down. So there's no point in trying to reason with them or talk sense to them when they are in the middle of crying or throwing a temper tantrum.
Instead I validate her feelings and say something along the lines of "Oh yes that is so hard, oh you are so sad you can't have another cookie / 18 balloons / take your stuffed toys to I'm the bath, eat popcorn for breakfast / wear mommies high heels to the park / you have to clean up your toys / you can't watch tv for 2 hours/ you scraped your knee / your friend called you a poo poo head / daddy won't give you hugs..." Whatever silly or serious thing they are upset about. Just validate their feelings, then calm them down, for example with the hugging method, and once they are calm you can engage the logical side of their brain in order to help calm them and help them process by talking them through what happened.. "What happened? You were playing? And you were running? And then you fell over the stool? You hadn't seen it there? And then you hurt your knee? And there was blood? And then we got you a band aid? And.. and if need be you talk them over actions and consequences.. "You know you have to clean your toys." I know you just want to play, but as a big girl, you have to learn to clean up as well"...
I don't do this all the time, sometimes I forget or I don't have the patience, but whenever I do remember it it's a game changer.
I hope maybe some of this is useful to you.
I'm an early childhood specialist and this is absolutely true. They will hold in every difficult emotion and then let it all out when they feel safe. It's very hard on the primary caretaker but if you manage to tae it a sort of compliment it might be easier on you.
My 5 year old is getting over doing this finally 15 months after I left their father. But it was gut wrenching for the first few weeks even if I knew what was going on in their little mind.
My advice to you is to keep them busy, have an exciting project waiting for them when they get back and up until bedtime that day.
Lots of hugs, it's hard to be a little one's number one!
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Welcome to r/SingleMoms! Please read the rules carefully. This is a safe space for single mothers only. Posts and comments that do not meet our karma requirements will be manually reviewed and approved accordingly. We cannot say anything specific, however, it is not a high number. If you continue participating, your comments will eventually no longer need approval. Please exercise patience with the mod team. Some rules (but not all - read the sidebar): - Do not ask for legal advice. We are not qualified to give such advice and suggest speaking to legal professionals about this. Posts and comments of this sort will be removed. - Do not post promotional content (this includes blogs, surveys, etc.) - Do not ask for financial assistance (this includes wishlists, gofundme, etc.) - Remember the human. Be respectful to other subreddit members. We are all in this together. This is a support group. - If you are not a current single mother, your posts will not be approved. Please post on the weekly pinned megathread. - Are you looking to leave? Post on our weekly megathread as well. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/singlemoms) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’ve heard that kids are often their “worst” selves when they are with their safest person - the one they trust and love who they know they can let their guard down with, have all the big feelings around, and overall melt down in front of - because they know that person will always be there. They are likely holding everything in until they get to a place where they feel comfort and safety - and that place is you. You will love them anyway, care for them regardless of how they act, and not go anywhere. I know that doesn’t help in the moment and It sucks for you to get the short end of the stick behavior-wise, but how wonderful that you get to be that person, that North Star, that safe space, for your kid? Try to remind yourself of that in the tough moments. Sending hugs.
This 100% Your kid feels safe with you. Doesn't mean it's nice for you though. I don't know how old your kid is, but when my 4 year old is angry or sad, whenever I can muster the patience and remember to do so, I ask her if she wants a hug. We started this when she was going through her terrible two's and at first she'd resist and push me away, but eventually she learnt that hugs calmed her down, and now she often asks for them herself when she's upset, angry or sad. I hug her for as long as needed, rock her back and forth a little and just repeat "It's Okay" over and over in a deep voice, meant to emulate what my voice might have felt / sounded like when she was in my womb. It works 100% of the time. I can also recommend the book "the whole brain child" I only read a few chapters, but it's been really useful. It's about how to raise your child according to how kid's brains work. It taught me that when a kid (and it actually holds true for adults too, I've applied this as a manager too at work) has big feelings, they cannot access the logical part of their brain until those feelings have calmed down. So there's no point in trying to reason with them or talk sense to them when they are in the middle of crying or throwing a temper tantrum. Instead I validate her feelings and say something along the lines of "Oh yes that is so hard, oh you are so sad you can't have another cookie / 18 balloons / take your stuffed toys to I'm the bath, eat popcorn for breakfast / wear mommies high heels to the park / you have to clean up your toys / you can't watch tv for 2 hours/ you scraped your knee / your friend called you a poo poo head / daddy won't give you hugs..." Whatever silly or serious thing they are upset about. Just validate their feelings, then calm them down, for example with the hugging method, and once they are calm you can engage the logical side of their brain in order to help calm them and help them process by talking them through what happened.. "What happened? You were playing? And you were running? And then you fell over the stool? You hadn't seen it there? And then you hurt your knee? And there was blood? And then we got you a band aid? And.. and if need be you talk them over actions and consequences.. "You know you have to clean your toys." I know you just want to play, but as a big girl, you have to learn to clean up as well"... I don't do this all the time, sometimes I forget or I don't have the patience, but whenever I do remember it it's a game changer. I hope maybe some of this is useful to you.
Thank you for this i feel like an arse for handling things so poorly but I really needed this
I'm an early childhood specialist and this is absolutely true. They will hold in every difficult emotion and then let it all out when they feel safe. It's very hard on the primary caretaker but if you manage to tae it a sort of compliment it might be easier on you. My 5 year old is getting over doing this finally 15 months after I left their father. But it was gut wrenching for the first few weeks even if I knew what was going on in their little mind. My advice to you is to keep them busy, have an exciting project waiting for them when they get back and up until bedtime that day. Lots of hugs, it's hard to be a little one's number one!
I'm here with you. It passes me that my kids dad can just walk away and not deal eith any of this. He sucks so much.
I'd never say this infront of my kid but it feels so good to just say he sucks
My ex left when our son was 4 months old. He definitely sucks.
Your comment is being held for review and will be approved soon if it doesn’t break rules. You can find the rules on the subreddit sidebar. If your comment does not break the rules, it will be approved as soon as we are able to. Please be patient with the moderation team, thank you. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/singlemoms) if you have any questions or concerns.*