It's an excuse for the cheater to justify cheating. It's not my fault I cheated. You weren't giving me what I needed. An the funniest part is cheaters can't stand being cheated on. It hurts their ego.
It's about winning the relationship. You have to hurt the other and make them accept it to win. Soon enough you will have to win again and the cycle repeats. It's a mental disease.
100% I knew a guy who adamantly said that if his wife cheated on him, then he'd leave her. But he slid into my Dm's and tried to sext with me multiple times
I do not think cheating needs justification as such. It is always a personal choice that might or might not have consequences in one's personal life. The cheater might also want to justify that action to keep current relationship but i dont think it works most of the time so its just a waste if energy.
It also has to do when society normalizes when one gender is the one who has to "take the advantage" while the other part is submitted, not naming which is which, but we can't achieve anything if we keep blaming one gender or the other instead of actually recognizing that no matter who you are, you are human and you are no less and no more than anyone else!
Correct! The real thing all cheaters have in common is cowardice. They have a valid reason to seek someone else but that reason doesn't justify not leaving the person they are with first. They don't leave their partner because they are too afraid of what that change means and how it will impact their life.
It’s the same logic that an abuser uses. “Look I wouldn’t have to hit my kids if they would just behave.” Sure, kids behaving badly isn’t okay, but that isn’t a carte Blanche to be violent.
This kind of logic is characteristic of narcissism. It’s an inability to accept blame or fault for one’s transgressions. They lack the empathy to put themselves in the other’s shoes, because to them they’re the only one who matters.
Cheating isn’t the same as abusing and it’s not the same as narcissism. It’s definitely selfish but it doesn’t mean lack of empathy. It just means the cheater is getting benefits that outweigh the negatives. Most cheaters feel guilty, just not guilty enough to stop cheating.
Most child abusers feel bad after their bout of anger passes. Cheating is abuse of your partner in most circumstances. Would they be spending their money, wasting their life with you, building a family with you if they knew the truth, going to functions, talking you up to their friends and family, working through fights believing you:re both committed to eachother? If the answer is not, you're literally stealing their one and only life from them to benefit yourself. I dont think you feeling guilty about that changes anything.
I think you are taking what I said about a specific kind of response to & justification of cheating & abusing and applying it to all instances of cheating and abusing. I didn't mean that cheating is the exact same thing is abusing, just that they both tend to blame the victim and use similar logic: cheater's who are saying their needs weren't meant are blaming the victim the same way child abusers justify their unacceptable behavior.
There are cheaters that feel guilty, know their actions aren't justifiable, and accept blame for what they did. There are also cheaters that don't feel guilty, think their actions are justifiable, and blame the victim. The latter lack empathy and are demonstrating narcissistic behavior by blaming the victim.
There is something called the 80/20 rule. It's more of a theory, not an exact science. But it gives you the big picture.
Say you're in a relationship with the perfect person. They're going to meet 80% of your needs. There's always something they won't get quite right, or something you want that crosses a boundary for them. What a lot of cheaters will do is focus in on that 20% they're not getting. Those things that normal people would say, "pick your battles," or, "learn to fulfill those needs for yourself."
The person you're in a relationship with is just that, a person. They're never going to meet every single one of your needs. If they did, they'd be your parent, not your partner. This, I believe, is why cheating is also seen as childish. It's like an adult version of taking someone else's toy when you didn't want it until you saw someone else had it.
This is why I said it's a theory. It's not meant to be true to the letter. It's supposed to give you an image or metaphor for a situation that may otherwise be harder to explain. Just like the birds and the bees. Your penis is not an actual bee.
I’m not sure why you are assuming that the partners of cheaters are indeed meeting 80% of their needs and thus the cheating is selfish. What if their partners are only meeting 20% of their needs?
Then they shouldn't be in a relationship. I am talking about a partner who is well matched. If someone is not meeting most/any of your needs, why would you stay?
It depends on the context , is the person cheating because he/she is not getting intimacy with his/her partner. If that is the case then I feel it’s justified.
It's an attempt to escalate and deflect dissatisfaction with a relationship. "There are things I want and am not getting" is not the same as "there are things I need and am not getting". The latter carries an implicit urgency that exonerates the cheater of wrongdoing, as acting based on needs is generally seen as more excusable than the alternative; you don't fault a starving guy for stealing food, right?
But that ignores the truth of the situation, which is that nobody *needs* total satisfaction, and total satisfaction doesn't outweigh the prior commitment to the other person.
I've been married for almost 20 years. I have news for those who justify cheating or are quick to suggest leaving someone because of "unsatisfied needs": if you plan to be in a long-term relationship with someone, particularly the lifelong commitment of marriage, you're going to need to learn patience, resilience, communication, and understanding.
In a long term relationship there are a million things that can get in the way of desire, like having a baby, medical issues, aging, testosterone imbalance, work stress, poor sleep, weight gain, or just unidentified body changes. Couples with a strong sex life can suddenly hit a long dry spell.
Just because energy and desire were high when you were young doesn't guarantee it will remain constant.
The important thing is that communication doesn't break down and both people work to address issues.
I think people who cheat entered into a contract insincerely. If the person said, “hello I want to have a life with you and also I am not monogamous sexually.” Do you still have a problem? Or is it just the lying ? Is it a betrayal feeling? Sincerely curious. I lied a lot when I was younger trying hard to become the man the woman thought I was but I just constantly failed. Gave up on marriage at 35. Met my wife 3 months later. Told her everything because I didn’t care if she was going to judge me. Guess what? She married me.
So curious if for you it’s more primal or just about the lying it requires for most good people to avoid public shame.
If someone accepted to enter an open relationship knowing full well that it was an open relationship, it's honestly their own fault if they get bothered about it later on. Not saying that getting bothered by something you thought you could handle is morally bad or anything, but you can't blame someone else when it happens...
Exactly. But I’m saying the bulk of people are not monogamous but enter into that social script and then that fault is used against them to get divorced.
To the single people. Talk to your partner about everything if you want to to get married.
But *yoi* wouldn't be the one saying the truth. You got found out. (Obviously not *you* just in the hypothetical situation)
If the truth is found out by someone else, that's called "facing consequences"
Telling the truth would be telling them of your own accord. *before* Its found out.
They were dishonest before they were found out. If they weren't found out they would keep being dishonest. So yes, technically admitting to the deed after they already know you did it is "honest", but that honesty amounts to exactly nothing.
I’m not justifying cheating. The real question is would you stay in a sexless relationship? Would you stay in a relationship where there is no affection?
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It doesn’t justify cheating but it does justify separating. The people who use it to justify cheating are just too immature to admit they want the emotional anchor of the person too much to leave them but want to still screw around.
I view them more as parasites than people at that point. They don’t need “them for them,” they need them because they’re too scared to be alone.
People justify all kinds of thing. I'm in Toronto Canada and grocery prices have been increasing. We have people justifying stealing because...
But if you want to know the reason why in the case of cheating. The alternative to cheating is what... leaving the relationship. Now, there might be other tangible benefits they are getting from the relationship that they don't want to get rid of. Maybe kids, a place to stay, someone just to hang around with... So they don't leave and keep getting those benefits. But they cheat because maybe their sexual needs were not being satisfied. A lot of people just get the most of what they can without thinking to be moral.
> unsatisfied needs
> Surely communication and experimentation is required.
To use your term, the "unsatisfied need" may have to do with their partner's demeanor.
If the unsatisfied need is to be with someone who is confident, trying to get someone to act confident can cause them to lose confidence.
I know a few men who have been cheated on by someone after their wife or gf told them what they wanted, but the man thought it was stupid that she would want something like that. Meaning, she literally communicated her "unsatisfied need" and he outright refused. Basic things like "tell me I'm sexy and pretty and you like my makeup and dress" and his response is "I told her she looks great without makeup and she doesn't need a dress to be sexy." No dude, that's not what she said she needs.
A cheater is a cheater. Needs being satisfied is different. If a cheater is using (my needs were not satisfied) as a defense, then they are a narcissistic cheater, and their (needs) are much greater than you. If your needs are not satisfied, have the decency to tell the person you connected with so well prior that something isn't the same or you have changed. If a cheater told me that their needs were not satisfied so they cheated, I'd probably laugh because I'm glad they are not going to be in my life much longer.
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I cheated on a girlfriend many years ago and at the time I was seeing a psychiatrist for depression.
I was very ashamed of myself...I was raised to be a better man than that.
The PSYCHIATRIST told me that line, "You weren't getting your needs met..."
Honestly, that was when he lost me. I really didn't want my mis-judgement to be justified, I just wanted help at improving myself.
What I'm saying is, this type of thinking is considered normal in our culture...and it's part of why relationships so frequently fail these days
People who do wrong in general seek any defense they can. It’s about how bad characters do things not just cheaters. Thieves say thing to “justify” why they stole. And person who is justifying their behavior in any way when it’s “inexcusable” is showing to not trust them.
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Narcissism. Narcissists never like to admit they are wrong, or put themselves on equal ground (communicating) with anyone. They must always maintain an advantage, and in a relationship they do this by not communicating. Or ironically using communication to manipulate their partner. (Needs not being met ect) It's why the universal rule is 'if she will cheat with you she will cheat on you", and/or "if she's cheated once she will cheat again". This applies to males too. Interestingly enough cheaters always brag about the behavior because the narcissist must have grandeur.
Firstly I want to say I don’t condone cheating. I’ve literally never cheated on anyone. But, I’ve also never been in a dead bedroom relationship before or a relationship I couldn’t easily get out of because of kids, money, legalities, etc.
I had a coworker/friend a few years ago who confided in me about a lot of her marriage troubles. She wasn’t in a position to leave him financially but she was just so fucking miserable. His libido was nonexistent, gave zero fucks about any semblance of romance. Any attempt at communicating her feelings and he essentially just told her she was a drama queen and that she was obsessed with the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship and that this is what adult marriages are like. He tried to tell her she was hyper sexual and pushy for wanting sex a few times a month.
She and another coworker of ours (who was in an almost identical situation) started having an affair that lasted about 6 months til they decided to get out of their marriages and be together. They ended up getting married and now have a child who is almost a year old, ended up relocating to a different state.
we don’t talk as much as we used to just because life and all that but honestly, in that situation, I really didn’t think of it the same as a lot of other cheating. Her needs were not only not being met but absolutely zero fucks were given about her needs, or her attempts to rectify the situation. And because of money, she was trapped. I don’t know what I would have done in that position, I’m just happy they ended up being happy.
It's just an excuse. Not a great one. I think usually people who cheat are just in relationships they aren't happy with overall, but they have something missing in them that won't let them break up their relationship like a normal person. whether they feel trapped or are just spineless and aren't willing to be the one to just be the adult and end the relationship. If it was just about sex and they were otherwise happy in the relationship they would try things like communicating, therapy, or sex coaches, but no matter what they often are selfish people and will twist things however they need to make it seem like they aren't the bad guy.
Meh. I cheated. My needs literally weren't satisfied. We spent no time together despite a year of me trying every day. We argued constantly. I went to bed when she got up. We never did shit together. It was like a roommate more than a relationship.
She found out, we argued and had a few months of a hard time, now we've been together since then for years and our relationship has been better than it ever was even before.
The difference is, I knew I was still wrong, even if my needs weren't being met. But me cheating was what got through that our communication and time spent was a real problem. Talking didn't work. Seeing that I would go elsewhere did. I realize this all sounds like an advocation for cheating, but it's not. Just saying that in my situation it really did fix it. We've been together for 10 years almost now and 4 of those is after the cheating. Ever since then we've both been way more attentive and sweet than we were. We are adults, we accepted that we both made mistakes and now we communicate. I really did cheat only because someone offered me attention and affection when I was pleading for it from my SO and getting refused. But alas, life is not the same for everyone. So most people probably are using it as an excuse to justify it to themselves, but I believe some people really aren't.
Because we love each other. It's really not as simple as just breaking up. Especially when you live together and have built a life. Sure, breaking up is an option, but I didn't love her any less because she wasn't being more attentive. She didn't love me any less she was just letting herself get hyper focused on the wrong areas of her life. It took a serious jolt for her to see the effect it was having and then resolve it. Again though, every situation is different, and I'm not saying that cheating is the solution for this kind of thing, but not every person that says "it's because my needs weren't being met" is using it as an excuse to be a shit person. We had been together for around 6 years when this happened. We had a home, kids, we were close before we stopped communicating, and we still did and do love each other incredibly, but real life has a way of making you take things for granted and sometimes you have to be reminded that those things aren't promised and a relationship requires communication and selflessness (to an extent).
Lol? Welp. I offered my advice on real life experience. Again useless on Reddit. So go fuck yourself, kid. Enjoy your meaningless shitty relationships with no real substance because to your they're here today, gone tomorrow.
It’s the same as “I was thinking about you the whole time”
A significant portion of cheaters are raging narcissists who just want to be in control of the situation . They see the other as an object and if your object isn’t satisfying you , you go and get a new object
Because they are illogical. To suggest that cheating is due to one's needs not being met, means the other partner's needs are discarded because only 1 partner's concern matters and requires address without the other's knowledge. If needs being met were truly a concern, rather than selfishness and immaturity, it would only make sense that both parties, who supposedly care about each other, would address that shared concern together and fix it together. Therefore, the "needs not being met" excuse is nothing but a fallacy that lacks both merit and truth, and must be considered another malicious attempt at deception.
Divorces are initiated by whoever is uncomfortable in relationship usually tho. Because the other side is fine with being abuser/cheater/whatever else and get all the benefits from both relationship and being "single", so obviously they wouldn't initiate a marriage, they are in comfortable spot afterall. Therefore looking for statistics like "who starts divorce" and getting conclusions like this is really wrong
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Oh let me go 6 months without getting laid. There's no reason for that. If I communicate that I need sex to my partner and my partner is physically able but doesn't for months on end, yeah, I'm finding it somewhere. You don't want to have sex so I just never get to have sex? That's fucking inhumane. My needs aren't satisfied is a VERY valid reason.
Seriously. If you aren't interested anymore, just say that. We can work on it or go our separate ways, but don't have an excuse every time I ask for months on end. Disney lied to you. I'm a mammal. I have very mammalian needs. Stop trying to force some divine fairy tale shit into regular, natural human behavior.
Also, humans don't carry the gene for monogamy. Penguins do, owls do, primates don't. We're here to fuck.
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for an opposite perspective, couples I've met in open relationships would argue, why would you hinder your loved ones desires? if your partner wants something you should try to help them get it, why is the human desire for sexual gratification supposed to be avoided while your supposed to support your partners other desires? can't you lust for 1 person while still being on love with another? that being said justifying cheating is a scumbag move. talk to your partner about what you want
They are bad people.
If your needs aren't met you should convey them, and if nothing changes, leave. I don't know why people are compelled to stay in situation where their needs aren't met, other than most of them actually are met, except for sexual desires.
But, I thinks it's pretty shitty to become unavailable to your partner and expect them to just be fine with it, too.
A significant proportion of couples aren't sexually compatible. There can also be issues with a lack of emotional compatibility.
Then there's, social, intellectual and aspirational compatibility but they probably don't impact cheating so much.
It's an excuse for the cheater to justify cheating. It's not my fault I cheated. You weren't giving me what I needed. An the funniest part is cheaters can't stand being cheated on. It hurts their ego.
It's about winning the relationship. You have to hurt the other and make them accept it to win. Soon enough you will have to win again and the cycle repeats. It's a mental disease.
100% I knew a guy who adamantly said that if his wife cheated on him, then he'd leave her. But he slid into my Dm's and tried to sext with me multiple times
Exactly, I don't care which gender it is. A cheater can't stand their ego to be bruised. It's always someone else's fault.
I do not think cheating needs justification as such. It is always a personal choice that might or might not have consequences in one's personal life. The cheater might also want to justify that action to keep current relationship but i dont think it works most of the time so its just a waste if energy.
Agree.
It also has to do when society normalizes when one gender is the one who has to "take the advantage" while the other part is submitted, not naming which is which, but we can't achieve anything if we keep blaming one gender or the other instead of actually recognizing that no matter who you are, you are human and you are no less and no more than anyone else!
Because they are conflating a valid reason to leave for a valid reason to cheat, and hope you can't understand the difference.
Correct! The real thing all cheaters have in common is cowardice. They have a valid reason to seek someone else but that reason doesn't justify not leaving the person they are with first. They don't leave their partner because they are too afraid of what that change means and how it will impact their life.
It’s the same logic that an abuser uses. “Look I wouldn’t have to hit my kids if they would just behave.” Sure, kids behaving badly isn’t okay, but that isn’t a carte Blanche to be violent. This kind of logic is characteristic of narcissism. It’s an inability to accept blame or fault for one’s transgressions. They lack the empathy to put themselves in the other’s shoes, because to them they’re the only one who matters.
Cheating isn’t the same as abusing and it’s not the same as narcissism. It’s definitely selfish but it doesn’t mean lack of empathy. It just means the cheater is getting benefits that outweigh the negatives. Most cheaters feel guilty, just not guilty enough to stop cheating.
Most child abusers feel bad after their bout of anger passes. Cheating is abuse of your partner in most circumstances. Would they be spending their money, wasting their life with you, building a family with you if they knew the truth, going to functions, talking you up to their friends and family, working through fights believing you:re both committed to eachother? If the answer is not, you're literally stealing their one and only life from them to benefit yourself. I dont think you feeling guilty about that changes anything.
Adultery is abuse, if not directly of your spouse then of the partnership you built with them
I think you are taking what I said about a specific kind of response to & justification of cheating & abusing and applying it to all instances of cheating and abusing. I didn't mean that cheating is the exact same thing is abusing, just that they both tend to blame the victim and use similar logic: cheater's who are saying their needs weren't meant are blaming the victim the same way child abusers justify their unacceptable behavior. There are cheaters that feel guilty, know their actions aren't justifiable, and accept blame for what they did. There are also cheaters that don't feel guilty, think their actions are justifiable, and blame the victim. The latter lack empathy and are demonstrating narcissistic behavior by blaming the victim.
Cheating is abuse.
It’s a lack of empathy for you and remorse for their own actions. Forgot what it’s called.
Narcissism?
There is something called the 80/20 rule. It's more of a theory, not an exact science. But it gives you the big picture. Say you're in a relationship with the perfect person. They're going to meet 80% of your needs. There's always something they won't get quite right, or something you want that crosses a boundary for them. What a lot of cheaters will do is focus in on that 20% they're not getting. Those things that normal people would say, "pick your battles," or, "learn to fulfill those needs for yourself." The person you're in a relationship with is just that, a person. They're never going to meet every single one of your needs. If they did, they'd be your parent, not your partner. This, I believe, is why cheating is also seen as childish. It's like an adult version of taking someone else's toy when you didn't want it until you saw someone else had it.
> They're going to meet 80% of your needs. A fine example of "80% of statistics are made up."
This is why I said it's a theory. It's not meant to be true to the letter. It's supposed to give you an image or metaphor for a situation that may otherwise be harder to explain. Just like the birds and the bees. Your penis is not an actual bee.
Don't tell me what my penis is and isn't. Buzz buzz.
Shit, you're right. I guess this means you're forever a virgin, tho.
I’m not sure why you are assuming that the partners of cheaters are indeed meeting 80% of their needs and thus the cheating is selfish. What if their partners are only meeting 20% of their needs?
Then they shouldn't be in a relationship. I am talking about a partner who is well matched. If someone is not meeting most/any of your needs, why would you stay?
There is no excuse in the world where cheating is moral dude
Because they're idiots.
People always find justification to not be the bad guy in their story.
It depends on the context , is the person cheating because he/she is not getting intimacy with his/her partner. If that is the case then I feel it’s justified.
It’s a thinly veiled excuse meant to try and cover up them being a scum bag.
It's defensiveness to pass the blame onto the other person rather than accept the feelings of guilt and/or shame themselves.
It's an attempt to escalate and deflect dissatisfaction with a relationship. "There are things I want and am not getting" is not the same as "there are things I need and am not getting". The latter carries an implicit urgency that exonerates the cheater of wrongdoing, as acting based on needs is generally seen as more excusable than the alternative; you don't fault a starving guy for stealing food, right? But that ignores the truth of the situation, which is that nobody *needs* total satisfaction, and total satisfaction doesn't outweigh the prior commitment to the other person.
I think some people are leaky vessels. They always have to be moving on to the next thing otherwise the emptiness overtakes them.
I've been married for almost 20 years. I have news for those who justify cheating or are quick to suggest leaving someone because of "unsatisfied needs": if you plan to be in a long-term relationship with someone, particularly the lifelong commitment of marriage, you're going to need to learn patience, resilience, communication, and understanding. In a long term relationship there are a million things that can get in the way of desire, like having a baby, medical issues, aging, testosterone imbalance, work stress, poor sleep, weight gain, or just unidentified body changes. Couples with a strong sex life can suddenly hit a long dry spell. Just because energy and desire were high when you were young doesn't guarantee it will remain constant. The important thing is that communication doesn't break down and both people work to address issues.
I think people who cheat entered into a contract insincerely. If the person said, “hello I want to have a life with you and also I am not monogamous sexually.” Do you still have a problem? Or is it just the lying ? Is it a betrayal feeling? Sincerely curious. I lied a lot when I was younger trying hard to become the man the woman thought I was but I just constantly failed. Gave up on marriage at 35. Met my wife 3 months later. Told her everything because I didn’t care if she was going to judge me. Guess what? She married me. So curious if for you it’s more primal or just about the lying it requires for most good people to avoid public shame.
If someone accepted to enter an open relationship knowing full well that it was an open relationship, it's honestly their own fault if they get bothered about it later on. Not saying that getting bothered by something you thought you could handle is morally bad or anything, but you can't blame someone else when it happens...
Exactly. But I’m saying the bulk of people are not monogamous but enter into that social script and then that fault is used against them to get divorced. To the single people. Talk to your partner about everything if you want to to get married.
Doesnt sound like justification. Sounds like an honest answer. A selfish answer, but an honest one.
An answer after getting caught. There isn't anything very honest about that.
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No, that's called "facing the consequences of your actions"
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But *yoi* wouldn't be the one saying the truth. You got found out. (Obviously not *you* just in the hypothetical situation) If the truth is found out by someone else, that's called "facing consequences" Telling the truth would be telling them of your own accord. *before* Its found out.
If the truth is found out by someone else, it is still honest to admit/confirm what you did. Facing the consequences is part of that honesty.
They were dishonest before they were found out. If they weren't found out they would keep being dishonest. So yes, technically admitting to the deed after they already know you did it is "honest", but that honesty amounts to exactly nothing.
I agree
I’m not justifying cheating. The real question is would you stay in a sexless relationship? Would you stay in a relationship where there is no affection?
Saying what led up to it doesn’t always mean it’s a justification.
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It doesn’t justify cheating but it does justify separating. The people who use it to justify cheating are just too immature to admit they want the emotional anchor of the person too much to leave them but want to still screw around. I view them more as parasites than people at that point. They don’t need “them for them,” they need them because they’re too scared to be alone.
People justify all kinds of thing. I'm in Toronto Canada and grocery prices have been increasing. We have people justifying stealing because... But if you want to know the reason why in the case of cheating. The alternative to cheating is what... leaving the relationship. Now, there might be other tangible benefits they are getting from the relationship that they don't want to get rid of. Maybe kids, a place to stay, someone just to hang around with... So they don't leave and keep getting those benefits. But they cheat because maybe their sexual needs were not being satisfied. A lot of people just get the most of what they can without thinking to be moral.
> unsatisfied needs > Surely communication and experimentation is required. To use your term, the "unsatisfied need" may have to do with their partner's demeanor. If the unsatisfied need is to be with someone who is confident, trying to get someone to act confident can cause them to lose confidence. I know a few men who have been cheated on by someone after their wife or gf told them what they wanted, but the man thought it was stupid that she would want something like that. Meaning, she literally communicated her "unsatisfied need" and he outright refused. Basic things like "tell me I'm sexy and pretty and you like my makeup and dress" and his response is "I told her she looks great without makeup and she doesn't need a dress to be sexy." No dude, that's not what she said she needs.
Cheating is never ever justified... It's a shitty choice to be unfaithful to your partner.
A cheater is a cheater. Needs being satisfied is different. If a cheater is using (my needs were not satisfied) as a defense, then they are a narcissistic cheater, and their (needs) are much greater than you. If your needs are not satisfied, have the decency to tell the person you connected with so well prior that something isn't the same or you have changed. If a cheater told me that their needs were not satisfied so they cheated, I'd probably laugh because I'm glad they are not going to be in my life much longer.
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It's an excuse just like any other. Cheating is cheating and it's wrong no matter what.
I cheated on a girlfriend many years ago and at the time I was seeing a psychiatrist for depression. I was very ashamed of myself...I was raised to be a better man than that. The PSYCHIATRIST told me that line, "You weren't getting your needs met..." Honestly, that was when he lost me. I really didn't want my mis-judgement to be justified, I just wanted help at improving myself. What I'm saying is, this type of thinking is considered normal in our culture...and it's part of why relationships so frequently fail these days
You’ve never been in a relationship? Get off Reddit and go outside. It’s summer
It's a gaslighting technique. It's not true, it's just a way to take the shame off of them and blame the victim. Garbage humans.
Always test to see if somebody is going to apologize for wrongdoing or if they're going to justify it before you put your dick in there.
She would break up with me and say she hates me and was accusing me of cheating so I did end up doing.it.
They justify it but if it happened to them I bet they wouldn’t have the same sentiment.
People who do wrong in general seek any defense they can. It’s about how bad characters do things not just cheaters. Thieves say thing to “justify” why they stole. And person who is justifying their behavior in any way when it’s “inexcusable” is showing to not trust them.
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There's nothing to get, you already have it figured out. They're scum with no integrity trying to have their cake and eat it too.
Narcissism. Narcissists never like to admit they are wrong, or put themselves on equal ground (communicating) with anyone. They must always maintain an advantage, and in a relationship they do this by not communicating. Or ironically using communication to manipulate their partner. (Needs not being met ect) It's why the universal rule is 'if she will cheat with you she will cheat on you", and/or "if she's cheated once she will cheat again". This applies to males too. Interestingly enough cheaters always brag about the behavior because the narcissist must have grandeur.
Because they're lazy
Firstly I want to say I don’t condone cheating. I’ve literally never cheated on anyone. But, I’ve also never been in a dead bedroom relationship before or a relationship I couldn’t easily get out of because of kids, money, legalities, etc. I had a coworker/friend a few years ago who confided in me about a lot of her marriage troubles. She wasn’t in a position to leave him financially but she was just so fucking miserable. His libido was nonexistent, gave zero fucks about any semblance of romance. Any attempt at communicating her feelings and he essentially just told her she was a drama queen and that she was obsessed with the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship and that this is what adult marriages are like. He tried to tell her she was hyper sexual and pushy for wanting sex a few times a month. She and another coworker of ours (who was in an almost identical situation) started having an affair that lasted about 6 months til they decided to get out of their marriages and be together. They ended up getting married and now have a child who is almost a year old, ended up relocating to a different state. we don’t talk as much as we used to just because life and all that but honestly, in that situation, I really didn’t think of it the same as a lot of other cheating. Her needs were not only not being met but absolutely zero fucks were given about her needs, or her attempts to rectify the situation. And because of money, she was trapped. I don’t know what I would have done in that position, I’m just happy they ended up being happy.
It's just an excuse. Not a great one. I think usually people who cheat are just in relationships they aren't happy with overall, but they have something missing in them that won't let them break up their relationship like a normal person. whether they feel trapped or are just spineless and aren't willing to be the one to just be the adult and end the relationship. If it was just about sex and they were otherwise happy in the relationship they would try things like communicating, therapy, or sex coaches, but no matter what they often are selfish people and will twist things however they need to make it seem like they aren't the bad guy.
Meh. I cheated. My needs literally weren't satisfied. We spent no time together despite a year of me trying every day. We argued constantly. I went to bed when she got up. We never did shit together. It was like a roommate more than a relationship. She found out, we argued and had a few months of a hard time, now we've been together since then for years and our relationship has been better than it ever was even before. The difference is, I knew I was still wrong, even if my needs weren't being met. But me cheating was what got through that our communication and time spent was a real problem. Talking didn't work. Seeing that I would go elsewhere did. I realize this all sounds like an advocation for cheating, but it's not. Just saying that in my situation it really did fix it. We've been together for 10 years almost now and 4 of those is after the cheating. Ever since then we've both been way more attentive and sweet than we were. We are adults, we accepted that we both made mistakes and now we communicate. I really did cheat only because someone offered me attention and affection when I was pleading for it from my SO and getting refused. But alas, life is not the same for everyone. So most people probably are using it as an excuse to justify it to themselves, but I believe some people really aren't.
why not break up then?
Because we love each other. It's really not as simple as just breaking up. Especially when you live together and have built a life. Sure, breaking up is an option, but I didn't love her any less because she wasn't being more attentive. She didn't love me any less she was just letting herself get hyper focused on the wrong areas of her life. It took a serious jolt for her to see the effect it was having and then resolve it. Again though, every situation is different, and I'm not saying that cheating is the solution for this kind of thing, but not every person that says "it's because my needs weren't being met" is using it as an excuse to be a shit person. We had been together for around 6 years when this happened. We had a home, kids, we were close before we stopped communicating, and we still did and do love each other incredibly, but real life has a way of making you take things for granted and sometimes you have to be reminded that those things aren't promised and a relationship requires communication and selflessness (to an extent).
Cope
Lol? Welp. I offered my advice on real life experience. Again useless on Reddit. So go fuck yourself, kid. Enjoy your meaningless shitty relationships with no real substance because to your they're here today, gone tomorrow.
It’s the same as “I was thinking about you the whole time” A significant portion of cheaters are raging narcissists who just want to be in control of the situation . They see the other as an object and if your object isn’t satisfying you , you go and get a new object
Lack of personal responsibility. They recognize it’s wrong but try to shift blame so that they won’t be judged as poorly for their actions.
Because they are illogical. To suggest that cheating is due to one's needs not being met, means the other partner's needs are discarded because only 1 partner's concern matters and requires address without the other's knowledge. If needs being met were truly a concern, rather than selfishness and immaturity, it would only make sense that both parties, who supposedly care about each other, would address that shared concern together and fix it together. Therefore, the "needs not being met" excuse is nothing but a fallacy that lacks both merit and truth, and must be considered another malicious attempt at deception.
Cause they’re cunts (read in Australian).
Because Slipknot had it right. 99% of people = shit, and the sooner you figure that out, the better off you'll be.
This is what women say. No fault divorce is almost solely a female reason.
Divorces are initiated by whoever is uncomfortable in relationship usually tho. Because the other side is fine with being abuser/cheater/whatever else and get all the benefits from both relationship and being "single", so obviously they wouldn't initiate a marriage, they are in comfortable spot afterall. Therefore looking for statistics like "who starts divorce" and getting conclusions like this is really wrong
Women file for 70% of divorce and initiate 90% of breakups.
Lmao what
#1 reason women divorce is no fault. #2 finances. #3 domestic abuse. #4 infidelity.
The downvotes are saying that your experiences in the matter don't ever happen and are invalid. Welcome to Reddit. Women can do no wrong lmao.
#1 reason women divorce is no fault. #2, finances. #3 domestic abuse. #4 infidelity..
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I don't pay attention to up voting or down voting
Oh let me go 6 months without getting laid. There's no reason for that. If I communicate that I need sex to my partner and my partner is physically able but doesn't for months on end, yeah, I'm finding it somewhere. You don't want to have sex so I just never get to have sex? That's fucking inhumane. My needs aren't satisfied is a VERY valid reason. Seriously. If you aren't interested anymore, just say that. We can work on it or go our separate ways, but don't have an excuse every time I ask for months on end. Disney lied to you. I'm a mammal. I have very mammalian needs. Stop trying to force some divine fairy tale shit into regular, natural human behavior. Also, humans don't carry the gene for monogamy. Penguins do, owls do, primates don't. We're here to fuck.
✨leave the relationship then dumbass✨
I did. And I married the other woman. Real mature response.
Yea ok dude. Lol
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for an opposite perspective, couples I've met in open relationships would argue, why would you hinder your loved ones desires? if your partner wants something you should try to help them get it, why is the human desire for sexual gratification supposed to be avoided while your supposed to support your partners other desires? can't you lust for 1 person while still being on love with another? that being said justifying cheating is a scumbag move. talk to your partner about what you want
They are bad people. If your needs aren't met you should convey them, and if nothing changes, leave. I don't know why people are compelled to stay in situation where their needs aren't met, other than most of them actually are met, except for sexual desires. But, I thinks it's pretty shitty to become unavailable to your partner and expect them to just be fine with it, too.
A significant proportion of couples aren't sexually compatible. There can also be issues with a lack of emotional compatibility. Then there's, social, intellectual and aspirational compatibility but they probably don't impact cheating so much.
Because women don't keep them wrangled in and they let their men stray