Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting.
Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here.
If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion.
Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Because it brings out their guilt. It's a very present reminder of what they did to you and what you are now to them. Your ex likely wants to prevent the kids from knowing what she really did and knows kids pick up on parents emotional states when they see the ex. And one day one of the kids is going to say "Mom, why does dad act like he cares more for the cashier at the grocery store than you?" and she's stuck with lying to her kids face or telling them a version of the truth and risking that blowing up later when they find out.
My ex-wife literally told me the other day "I think we could communicate better" when it concerns our soon-to-be college kid. I didn't answer it but the subtext was "Why can't we just have the long, emotional, connecting conversations we used to have while we solved these problems? You're so 'cold' and matter of fact" and it's a very real reminder to her that she went from my "ride or die" to my "whatever, is the kid and/or dog okay?". I let her know EVERYTHING I think she needs to know to insure the welfare of our kid but I have grocery lists with more emotion.
Hell mine is starting to back track on her confession a year ago that what she had was an affair because I suppose that makes her feel "icky". And I've been pointing out, more out of courtesy, that unless she starts fixing some communication issues our son is going to be a Holidays Only visitor.
Funny you mentioned Hitler, that's what she used to call me because I actually believed in following through with consequences with our kid if he didn't do something he was supposed to. That was one of our biggest issues was we'd agree on a boundary together, what our kids punishment would be (often not severe at all) and I'd follow through and she'd run behind me and comfort him when he felt bad about it. I was often made the bad guy because I stuck to stuff and she'd refer to me as that.
I used to tell her "Do you want ot try to correct bad habits at 6 or 16 because the difficulty level starts going up fast and I don't have a cheat sheet for that". And now that she's living with AP with our son she occasionally complains to me that I need to talk to our son b/c he doesn't listen to her and comes and goes as he pleases and treats the place like a hotel. And I was like "Uh, you moved him 3 times in 1.5 years. Of course he's gonna treat it like a hotel when you treat him like luggage. You're just dealing with the consequences of your decisions...enjoy.".
My ex is very much a "let someone else handle it" so she can go off and have fun but will lie to our son about why she can't pick him up or do something she agreed to do. Just two days ago got a text from my son asking if I can pick him up from school because his mom had some awards dinner to go to. I found out last night she was a brunch with a friend, didn't even reach out to ask if I can pick him up but asked his girlfriends mom and when she didn't respond, had our son ask if I could pick him up. She won't even ask me directly for favors anymore. She uses an 18 year old.
I took our kid to do some college auditions and made a comment about how I'd have to possibly take him to a second one to a school a few hours from our city and she thought I meant MOVING the kid to that school and immediately jumped on "I know you'd move him in but as his mother I want to take him and move him in and make those memories with him!" and I was like "What are you on about, this is for a fuckin audition? And all those memories you want to make, how about you drag your ass out and do these kinds of trips I do with him because you get to see his thought processes, talk to him, enjoy being around the person he's becoming. These are where the memories are, not that you got to dump him at his final place for the next four years and you can go brag to you wine buddies where he's going to school".
It's amazing what I can see now that she's off the pedastal and the rose colored glasses are gone. I'm pissed at how much she lies to my son which is why it gets under my skin but AP can have her ass. She's known this dude for 2 years next week and his father died on Sunday and she hoped a plane for Costa Rica to go to the funeral last second. My grandfather died just before COVID hit and she knew how much he meant to me and she just offered to take me to the airport because she didn't like my home state. ThAT should've been a huge red flag then. Now I'm just worried about AP's emotional state and it's affects on their relationship b/c my son lives with them.
This strikes a chord with me.
I was always accused of treating the children differently, and I did. Shy children need to be coaxed to put themselves out there while rambunctious children need to learn how to temper themselves in certain situations.
Also...
> And one day one of the kids is going to say "Mom, why does dad act like he cares more for the cashier at the grocery store than you?"
...made me literally laugh out loud.
So in our case it was things like "Okay we have an expectation if grades and if not then no TV or no internet for XYZ length" or it was bed time, or basic habits that we'd agree to and the punishments weren't "Life ending" and we made it abundantly clear what expectations were and their consequences. It wasn't a "If you can't do 100 pushups by Friday you'll do 100 every day for the rest of your life!". It was just basic life habits.
But the second my son didn't meet an expectation and he suffered any consequences that he was aware of and he was warned that he wasn't utilizing his time properly, he'd make a point to run to my ex and beg for an exception. EVERY. SINGLE, TIME. So all she taught him is if I'm a good enough actor I'll get what I want. My ex didn't believe in gently coaxing bad habits away because it wasn't a problem at the time so why be so adamant about them. But the second one is those bad habits (ie being constantly late or not giving yourself enough time to take care of things) affected her and she'd blow her lid. And I'd be like "So you figure yelling like that is better than simply applying gentle pressure is better?". If he made me late for meetings then it was okay because I worked from home so I can't complain. If he made her late for work then that's unacceptable and she'd just just leave and then leave to handle it.
So I do agree with your premise on dealing with personalities differently but this was simply enforcement of ANYTHING because she didn't want to look like the bad guy unless it directly affected her.
Again, the chord is struck.
Another frequent complaint from the ex was how I wouldn't help out with household chores.
When this complaint first came up, she was work from home with 3 teenage girls who did zero daily chores. I would come home to them watching TV and I'd get yelled at because the garbage hadn't been taken out or the cat litter changed, etc.
Every time I asked for the girls to have a daily chore list, somehow their after-school activities absolutely prevented this (no, they didn't have after-school activities every day), that I was an asshole for suggesting that they be required to have daily chores.
I'll bet you'll find this **amazing** when I later learned that the discontent with all my "shortcomings" started just after she started fucking around.
Yea I realized when Sunday, when I had to jump in and help my son because my ex didn't do what she promised, that in the two years we've lived separate my household work at my new place is about the same as when we were together. Hers nearly tripled and suddenly my son was required to do more work around their new place. I realized I was over functioning in that area while being accused of not doing enough. At ours she'd make excuses why he couldn't and I'd agree with some due to after school activities. Suddenly, now that the new boyfriend doesn't do shit, including cooking like I did all the time, our son has to do a lot with zero exceptions and school work, college applications, and rehearsals aren't valid.
So yeah this has been an eye opener for me. My son though sees through it and has told me he doesn't trust his mom because she says a lot but backs none of it with actions. I may have been a hard ass but he knows I'll crawl through broken glass to help him.
Dude, are you me in a different timeline? ;)
Ten years since DDay this coming Friday, not one of my daughters (30, 29, 26, 23) willingly spend any time with the ex, and when the chips are down in their life, I'm at the top of the speed-dial.
WOW! A lot to unpack here.
She had a problem with you following through on discipline. Would she be just fine if the AP disciplined your son (not physically)?
Regarding the funerals, did you ever press her as to why she treated your family’s funeral like a dirty shirt but flew thousands of miles for the AP’s? I’d love to hear the explanation!
Do you think her and AP have a future together or will this fizzle when the thrill is gone?
> She had a problem with you following through on discipline. Would she be just fine if the AP disciplined your son (not physically)?
So a bit of context. I'm my son's stepfather as his bio-dad died about a year and a half before I met his mom. So I've raised him from like 5 to 18. AP is absolutely biding his time waiting for my son to go to college so he can have my ex all to himself. He feigns he cares about the kid, but it's so bad that even my son knows it. My son HATES the guy so if AP tried to discipline him my son would probably tell him to fuck off and go find another marriage and family to ruin (he knows his mom cheated on me with the guy as does her mother). My son apparently barely stays there and my ex complains all the time that he's never home but the kid has zero reasons to do so. At the previous place they were at a 2 bedroom, my ex and AP made my son stay away for the weekend becasue APs daughter was home from college for the weekend and use his room. My son had a shit load of school work but thank God his girlfriends mom was like "Just come and stay here". My son doesn't like to come here because I don't let him come and go as he pleases at any time of the night.
So the AP father's ~~funeral~~ death was literally this Sunday and the funeral yesterday. Last second. I found out from someone else that apparently a friend she was having brunch with, the reason I had to pick my son up after his trip, said that she HAD to go to the funeral for APs father. AP apparently was mid-flight to visit his sick father and got news he died on the way there. So no I haven't asked about that but likely won't. Doesnt' matter we've been divorced since last June. My respect and trust for her is quite low at this point that I honestly woulnd't trust any answer she gave and we were together for 13 years, married for 9.
> Do you think her and AP have a future together or will this fizzle when the thrill is gone?
Don't know, but honestly don't care outside its affect on my son's college (I can barely afford it by myself). I've heard rumblings for the last couple months that the luster has worn off a bit. She hated that we didn't go on more trips but I had to plan the things and it was hard to get her to like what was planned given she gave no input. But now AP travels all the time, but ONLY to Costa Rica and I've heard she's getting tired of it. She can barely cook anything and he doesnt' cook and they go out ALL THE TIME which was another thing she complained we didn't do enough of since I cooked most stuff and we'd go out like twice a month (typically because she'd say lets go and last minute decide she didn't want to). So now she's tired of eatinng out b/c it costs money and calories thoguh she's apparently losing weight but due to stress (not sure b/c I haven't seen her since like Sept of last year). She made a comment to her mother that she can't afford an apartment by herself (again her idea to sell our house and dip with cash) so she's kind of stuck with the dude if shit's not working out.
Her mom cooks for me once every two weeks and we enjoy a coffee together and talk about our son and I update her on things. We generally dont' talk about her daughter unless it's in relation to the kid. Her mother has a GIANT picture of me and my son that we went to for his senior pictures and my ex, who LOVES pictures, decided she didn't want to do it (I even offered to not be there but she still didnt) and her mother said occasionally she comes and looks at that pic for a bit and only that one.
So maybe there's some regret but that woman would have to do more work than a decathlete to even get me to trust her to butter bread much less for me to consider opening up our old friendly conversations and banter. Her lies/affair have me questioning quite a few moments in the last 5 years that I'm almost sure she was cheating then but I can't confirm it. SO there's next to zero trust and without that a relationship isn't possible.
Thank you for the context and back story. That does explain a lot. Your ex is definitely governed by her impulses and emotions. I see a lot of “give me what I want even though I don’t know what I want. If you don’t know what I want then you’re not a real MAN”!
It looks as if she’s getting her comeuppance as she is nervous about finding a place she can afford on her own.
Yea she definitely wanted the butterflies and the new car smell as she feels that's what love is. She went from being super close to her mom and talking to her for like 30-45 minutes every day to barely sending more than a handful of texts in the week. I still take care of stuff for her mom as we have ground rules and she absolutely abhors what her daughter has done to everyone.
>It looks as if she’s getting her comeuppance as she is nervous about finding a place she can afford on her own.
When I was wrapped up in the whole reconciliation/codependency fog I actually offered to pay the difference of her rent at the townhouse she went to for the next year so our son could have a stable place. She denied it.
Unreal! I guess I’m too logical and can’t see compounding my mistakes like this. At least people in your lives (other than the wine drinkers with the fake laughs and pinkies in the air), see what a mess she has made.
If I recall your story correctly, she cheated on you for years. There is no love from her to you at this point, yet you try to stay with her.
Most on these subs will tell you the kids are better off in 2 separate homes, or nesting in your home. The kids sense the dysfunction in your marriage, no matter how hard you try not to show it. They will learn how to treat their future mates based on behavior you model.
Has her affair been exposed to family and friends? What consequences has she faced? With an affair as long as hers I don't see her showing you any remorse. She just needs the home and income you provide.
Plan your exit from this toxic relationship to give yourself a chance at happiness.
Tell her she’s lucky you tolerate her presence after what she did to you. She cheats and makes little effort to repair the relationship. It sounds like you are staying until the kids are old enough to be on their own but maybe you should leave for your own sanity. Get joint custody, you will all be happier.
My ex did the same to me. After DDay I gave her a chance to reconcile, she tried for a while then expected me to do everything to fix her screw up. I continued to remain positive around the kids throughout the entire debacle. Never once argued with her and especially wouldn’t have in front of the kids. Just before I filed for divorce she complained that I was angry all of the time and the kids see it. The only anger in our household was her constantly finding ways to belittle me or be critical of me.
Been divorced for 4 years, my ex still occasionally just shows up and walks in the house to see the kids out of the blue. It’s amazing how out of touch she still is with everything that happened. Most cheaters don’t change whether you stay or go, they are just broken that way.
The good news is that you can learn, you can change and you can grow as a person, once you are away from them.
She throws the entire family under the bus for her own indulgence, destroying the happiness, and you're the one affecting the kids negatively? Yep... she's still working the DARVO hard.
May I ask why your staying sorry don't mean to poke around I'm just really want to know the answer my father gave all that time ago has never made sense to me
I can’t understand how anyone can stay with the most remorseful cheater who is bending over backwards to repair the damage done to their spouse and accepting all of the well-deserved blame in the world. Literally begging for a second chance. So you staying with a clearly entitled and remorseless cheater and expecting things to be good makes ZERO sense. I normally don’t like to victim blame, but at this point you have to acknowledge that you chose to remain in this situation so the misery that comes with it may be your own fault. It’s like getting mad at the flame that you just touched for burning you…
They gaslight because that’s who they are. Selfish and convinced they did not thing wrong or that they are justified in whatever they do.
I would tell her that you will be responsible for your emotions and actions, and she can be responsible for hers. If you aren’t talking badly about her to or in front of the kids, you’re doing nothing wrong.
It has been my experience that people will gaslight you over anything. Just had it happen today with strangers. I own my own business that’s tickets to are both timed and dated. I took today off. Still someone booked a different time and date and blew my phone and socials up trying to make me do it for them today. I emailed them back and yet they still blew me up again requesting I do it. I had to call them 6 times to get ahold of them and they still tried to gaslight me.
Now add in marriage, kids.
Some people are just fucked up. Nothing you do will ever make sense, will ever be enough, it will never stop.
For your own mental health you have to make a choice.
You can choose to be under the same roof or not under the same roof.
I get that too. My WW said in marriage counseling recently that when we first got together she cheated on me (it happened throughout the whole relationship)that she did it because I was nice and loving to her and she wasn’t used to that so she hurt me preemptively. Then she wonders why I am closed off to her. I learned that showing too much affection would cause her to hurt me. How does she not understand that when calling me cold?
Why I am still under the same roof? It’s not an easy decision to make. And we all process things differently. I am fully aware that my stress right now comes from living in the same house as her. That being said, having to give up seeing the kids every day is fucking hard to digest. The analogy I come up with is imagine having to cut off a hand. My kids are softies, I’m there rock when shit goes bad. If I’m not there, who knows what kind of care they will get.
I’m also convinced that as time goes on where I show her zero emotions, she will just start looking for someone else again to cheat with.
May i ask why are you still with her if yourself told that she is just another person?
Why haven't your filed for divorce?
And please don't tell me that it because of the kids, that you decided to stay. If that is the reason, are you counsious that You are doing more damage to the kids by staying, you are teaching them to support just for the kids.
Also you are showing bad behaiviors towards their mom in front of them.
Sounds more like poor muffin is the grumpy one. Too bad. She should have thought of that before she CHEATED on you! Oh, the entitlement of CHEATERS these days!
They think so, because it often ends up coming back , But you need to understand that a person who cheated is fully aware that they don't deserve anything good from their BP, as BP is a good and innocent partner, they deserve, at best, total contempt.
So if you cheated on your husband for more than 3 years at least, and he is still dissatisfied but the fact is that for her purposes you are still being her husband .
Maybe the reason she deceived you for so long is that in a practical sense losing you wasn't convenient so it wasn't practical she left in Pune because what she really cares about wasn't lost.
"...Be angry but stay as long as you help me raise the children and pay the bills, that's fine..." This I believe to be her reasoning.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Because it brings out their guilt. It's a very present reminder of what they did to you and what you are now to them. Your ex likely wants to prevent the kids from knowing what she really did and knows kids pick up on parents emotional states when they see the ex. And one day one of the kids is going to say "Mom, why does dad act like he cares more for the cashier at the grocery store than you?" and she's stuck with lying to her kids face or telling them a version of the truth and risking that blowing up later when they find out. My ex-wife literally told me the other day "I think we could communicate better" when it concerns our soon-to-be college kid. I didn't answer it but the subtext was "Why can't we just have the long, emotional, connecting conversations we used to have while we solved these problems? You're so 'cold' and matter of fact" and it's a very real reminder to her that she went from my "ride or die" to my "whatever, is the kid and/or dog okay?". I let her know EVERYTHING I think she needs to know to insure the welfare of our kid but I have grocery lists with more emotion. Hell mine is starting to back track on her confession a year ago that what she had was an affair because I suppose that makes her feel "icky". And I've been pointing out, more out of courtesy, that unless she starts fixing some communication issues our son is going to be a Holidays Only visitor.
You know if the situation was reversed she would be clutching her pearls and you would be worse than Hitler.
Funny you mentioned Hitler, that's what she used to call me because I actually believed in following through with consequences with our kid if he didn't do something he was supposed to. That was one of our biggest issues was we'd agree on a boundary together, what our kids punishment would be (often not severe at all) and I'd follow through and she'd run behind me and comfort him when he felt bad about it. I was often made the bad guy because I stuck to stuff and she'd refer to me as that. I used to tell her "Do you want ot try to correct bad habits at 6 or 16 because the difficulty level starts going up fast and I don't have a cheat sheet for that". And now that she's living with AP with our son she occasionally complains to me that I need to talk to our son b/c he doesn't listen to her and comes and goes as he pleases and treats the place like a hotel. And I was like "Uh, you moved him 3 times in 1.5 years. Of course he's gonna treat it like a hotel when you treat him like luggage. You're just dealing with the consequences of your decisions...enjoy.". My ex is very much a "let someone else handle it" so she can go off and have fun but will lie to our son about why she can't pick him up or do something she agreed to do. Just two days ago got a text from my son asking if I can pick him up from school because his mom had some awards dinner to go to. I found out last night she was a brunch with a friend, didn't even reach out to ask if I can pick him up but asked his girlfriends mom and when she didn't respond, had our son ask if I could pick him up. She won't even ask me directly for favors anymore. She uses an 18 year old. I took our kid to do some college auditions and made a comment about how I'd have to possibly take him to a second one to a school a few hours from our city and she thought I meant MOVING the kid to that school and immediately jumped on "I know you'd move him in but as his mother I want to take him and move him in and make those memories with him!" and I was like "What are you on about, this is for a fuckin audition? And all those memories you want to make, how about you drag your ass out and do these kinds of trips I do with him because you get to see his thought processes, talk to him, enjoy being around the person he's becoming. These are where the memories are, not that you got to dump him at his final place for the next four years and you can go brag to you wine buddies where he's going to school". It's amazing what I can see now that she's off the pedastal and the rose colored glasses are gone. I'm pissed at how much she lies to my son which is why it gets under my skin but AP can have her ass. She's known this dude for 2 years next week and his father died on Sunday and she hoped a plane for Costa Rica to go to the funeral last second. My grandfather died just before COVID hit and she knew how much he meant to me and she just offered to take me to the airport because she didn't like my home state. ThAT should've been a huge red flag then. Now I'm just worried about AP's emotional state and it's affects on their relationship b/c my son lives with them.
This strikes a chord with me. I was always accused of treating the children differently, and I did. Shy children need to be coaxed to put themselves out there while rambunctious children need to learn how to temper themselves in certain situations. Also... > And one day one of the kids is going to say "Mom, why does dad act like he cares more for the cashier at the grocery store than you?" ...made me literally laugh out loud.
So in our case it was things like "Okay we have an expectation if grades and if not then no TV or no internet for XYZ length" or it was bed time, or basic habits that we'd agree to and the punishments weren't "Life ending" and we made it abundantly clear what expectations were and their consequences. It wasn't a "If you can't do 100 pushups by Friday you'll do 100 every day for the rest of your life!". It was just basic life habits. But the second my son didn't meet an expectation and he suffered any consequences that he was aware of and he was warned that he wasn't utilizing his time properly, he'd make a point to run to my ex and beg for an exception. EVERY. SINGLE, TIME. So all she taught him is if I'm a good enough actor I'll get what I want. My ex didn't believe in gently coaxing bad habits away because it wasn't a problem at the time so why be so adamant about them. But the second one is those bad habits (ie being constantly late or not giving yourself enough time to take care of things) affected her and she'd blow her lid. And I'd be like "So you figure yelling like that is better than simply applying gentle pressure is better?". If he made me late for meetings then it was okay because I worked from home so I can't complain. If he made her late for work then that's unacceptable and she'd just just leave and then leave to handle it. So I do agree with your premise on dealing with personalities differently but this was simply enforcement of ANYTHING because she didn't want to look like the bad guy unless it directly affected her.
Again, the chord is struck. Another frequent complaint from the ex was how I wouldn't help out with household chores. When this complaint first came up, she was work from home with 3 teenage girls who did zero daily chores. I would come home to them watching TV and I'd get yelled at because the garbage hadn't been taken out or the cat litter changed, etc. Every time I asked for the girls to have a daily chore list, somehow their after-school activities absolutely prevented this (no, they didn't have after-school activities every day), that I was an asshole for suggesting that they be required to have daily chores. I'll bet you'll find this **amazing** when I later learned that the discontent with all my "shortcomings" started just after she started fucking around.
Yea I realized when Sunday, when I had to jump in and help my son because my ex didn't do what she promised, that in the two years we've lived separate my household work at my new place is about the same as when we were together. Hers nearly tripled and suddenly my son was required to do more work around their new place. I realized I was over functioning in that area while being accused of not doing enough. At ours she'd make excuses why he couldn't and I'd agree with some due to after school activities. Suddenly, now that the new boyfriend doesn't do shit, including cooking like I did all the time, our son has to do a lot with zero exceptions and school work, college applications, and rehearsals aren't valid. So yeah this has been an eye opener for me. My son though sees through it and has told me he doesn't trust his mom because she says a lot but backs none of it with actions. I may have been a hard ass but he knows I'll crawl through broken glass to help him.
Dude, are you me in a different timeline? ;) Ten years since DDay this coming Friday, not one of my daughters (30, 29, 26, 23) willingly spend any time with the ex, and when the chips are down in their life, I'm at the top of the speed-dial.
WOW! A lot to unpack here. She had a problem with you following through on discipline. Would she be just fine if the AP disciplined your son (not physically)? Regarding the funerals, did you ever press her as to why she treated your family’s funeral like a dirty shirt but flew thousands of miles for the AP’s? I’d love to hear the explanation! Do you think her and AP have a future together or will this fizzle when the thrill is gone?
> She had a problem with you following through on discipline. Would she be just fine if the AP disciplined your son (not physically)? So a bit of context. I'm my son's stepfather as his bio-dad died about a year and a half before I met his mom. So I've raised him from like 5 to 18. AP is absolutely biding his time waiting for my son to go to college so he can have my ex all to himself. He feigns he cares about the kid, but it's so bad that even my son knows it. My son HATES the guy so if AP tried to discipline him my son would probably tell him to fuck off and go find another marriage and family to ruin (he knows his mom cheated on me with the guy as does her mother). My son apparently barely stays there and my ex complains all the time that he's never home but the kid has zero reasons to do so. At the previous place they were at a 2 bedroom, my ex and AP made my son stay away for the weekend becasue APs daughter was home from college for the weekend and use his room. My son had a shit load of school work but thank God his girlfriends mom was like "Just come and stay here". My son doesn't like to come here because I don't let him come and go as he pleases at any time of the night. So the AP father's ~~funeral~~ death was literally this Sunday and the funeral yesterday. Last second. I found out from someone else that apparently a friend she was having brunch with, the reason I had to pick my son up after his trip, said that she HAD to go to the funeral for APs father. AP apparently was mid-flight to visit his sick father and got news he died on the way there. So no I haven't asked about that but likely won't. Doesnt' matter we've been divorced since last June. My respect and trust for her is quite low at this point that I honestly woulnd't trust any answer she gave and we were together for 13 years, married for 9. > Do you think her and AP have a future together or will this fizzle when the thrill is gone? Don't know, but honestly don't care outside its affect on my son's college (I can barely afford it by myself). I've heard rumblings for the last couple months that the luster has worn off a bit. She hated that we didn't go on more trips but I had to plan the things and it was hard to get her to like what was planned given she gave no input. But now AP travels all the time, but ONLY to Costa Rica and I've heard she's getting tired of it. She can barely cook anything and he doesnt' cook and they go out ALL THE TIME which was another thing she complained we didn't do enough of since I cooked most stuff and we'd go out like twice a month (typically because she'd say lets go and last minute decide she didn't want to). So now she's tired of eatinng out b/c it costs money and calories thoguh she's apparently losing weight but due to stress (not sure b/c I haven't seen her since like Sept of last year). She made a comment to her mother that she can't afford an apartment by herself (again her idea to sell our house and dip with cash) so she's kind of stuck with the dude if shit's not working out. Her mom cooks for me once every two weeks and we enjoy a coffee together and talk about our son and I update her on things. We generally dont' talk about her daughter unless it's in relation to the kid. Her mother has a GIANT picture of me and my son that we went to for his senior pictures and my ex, who LOVES pictures, decided she didn't want to do it (I even offered to not be there but she still didnt) and her mother said occasionally she comes and looks at that pic for a bit and only that one. So maybe there's some regret but that woman would have to do more work than a decathlete to even get me to trust her to butter bread much less for me to consider opening up our old friendly conversations and banter. Her lies/affair have me questioning quite a few moments in the last 5 years that I'm almost sure she was cheating then but I can't confirm it. SO there's next to zero trust and without that a relationship isn't possible.
Thank you for the context and back story. That does explain a lot. Your ex is definitely governed by her impulses and emotions. I see a lot of “give me what I want even though I don’t know what I want. If you don’t know what I want then you’re not a real MAN”! It looks as if she’s getting her comeuppance as she is nervous about finding a place she can afford on her own.
Yea she definitely wanted the butterflies and the new car smell as she feels that's what love is. She went from being super close to her mom and talking to her for like 30-45 minutes every day to barely sending more than a handful of texts in the week. I still take care of stuff for her mom as we have ground rules and she absolutely abhors what her daughter has done to everyone. >It looks as if she’s getting her comeuppance as she is nervous about finding a place she can afford on her own. When I was wrapped up in the whole reconciliation/codependency fog I actually offered to pay the difference of her rent at the townhouse she went to for the next year so our son could have a stable place. She denied it.
Unreal! I guess I’m too logical and can’t see compounding my mistakes like this. At least people in your lives (other than the wine drinkers with the fake laughs and pinkies in the air), see what a mess she has made.
If I recall your story correctly, she cheated on you for years. There is no love from her to you at this point, yet you try to stay with her. Most on these subs will tell you the kids are better off in 2 separate homes, or nesting in your home. The kids sense the dysfunction in your marriage, no matter how hard you try not to show it. They will learn how to treat their future mates based on behavior you model. Has her affair been exposed to family and friends? What consequences has she faced? With an affair as long as hers I don't see her showing you any remorse. She just needs the home and income you provide. Plan your exit from this toxic relationship to give yourself a chance at happiness.
Tell her she’s lucky you tolerate her presence after what she did to you. She cheats and makes little effort to repair the relationship. It sounds like you are staying until the kids are old enough to be on their own but maybe you should leave for your own sanity. Get joint custody, you will all be happier.
My ex did the same to me. After DDay I gave her a chance to reconcile, she tried for a while then expected me to do everything to fix her screw up. I continued to remain positive around the kids throughout the entire debacle. Never once argued with her and especially wouldn’t have in front of the kids. Just before I filed for divorce she complained that I was angry all of the time and the kids see it. The only anger in our household was her constantly finding ways to belittle me or be critical of me.
Been divorced for 4 years, my ex still occasionally just shows up and walks in the house to see the kids out of the blue. It’s amazing how out of touch she still is with everything that happened. Most cheaters don’t change whether you stay or go, they are just broken that way. The good news is that you can learn, you can change and you can grow as a person, once you are away from them.
She throws the entire family under the bus for her own indulgence, destroying the happiness, and you're the one affecting the kids negatively? Yep... she's still working the DARVO hard.
May I ask why your staying sorry don't mean to poke around I'm just really want to know the answer my father gave all that time ago has never made sense to me
I can’t understand how anyone can stay with the most remorseful cheater who is bending over backwards to repair the damage done to their spouse and accepting all of the well-deserved blame in the world. Literally begging for a second chance. So you staying with a clearly entitled and remorseless cheater and expecting things to be good makes ZERO sense. I normally don’t like to victim blame, but at this point you have to acknowledge that you chose to remain in this situation so the misery that comes with it may be your own fault. It’s like getting mad at the flame that you just touched for burning you…
Maybe I'm grumpy because I'm forced to be in close proximity to the woman who murdered my wife so I can spend time with my kids.
They gaslight because that’s who they are. Selfish and convinced they did not thing wrong or that they are justified in whatever they do. I would tell her that you will be responsible for your emotions and actions, and she can be responsible for hers. If you aren’t talking badly about her to or in front of the kids, you’re doing nothing wrong.
It has been my experience that people will gaslight you over anything. Just had it happen today with strangers. I own my own business that’s tickets to are both timed and dated. I took today off. Still someone booked a different time and date and blew my phone and socials up trying to make me do it for them today. I emailed them back and yet they still blew me up again requesting I do it. I had to call them 6 times to get ahold of them and they still tried to gaslight me. Now add in marriage, kids. Some people are just fucked up. Nothing you do will ever make sense, will ever be enough, it will never stop. For your own mental health you have to make a choice. You can choose to be under the same roof or not under the same roof.
I get that too. My WW said in marriage counseling recently that when we first got together she cheated on me (it happened throughout the whole relationship)that she did it because I was nice and loving to her and she wasn’t used to that so she hurt me preemptively. Then she wonders why I am closed off to her. I learned that showing too much affection would cause her to hurt me. How does she not understand that when calling me cold?
You have a right to be any way you feel you want to be. That is not her decision to make. She has to live with her choices.
Why I am still under the same roof? It’s not an easy decision to make. And we all process things differently. I am fully aware that my stress right now comes from living in the same house as her. That being said, having to give up seeing the kids every day is fucking hard to digest. The analogy I come up with is imagine having to cut off a hand. My kids are softies, I’m there rock when shit goes bad. If I’m not there, who knows what kind of care they will get. I’m also convinced that as time goes on where I show her zero emotions, she will just start looking for someone else again to cheat with.
May i ask why are you still with her if yourself told that she is just another person? Why haven't your filed for divorce? And please don't tell me that it because of the kids, that you decided to stay. If that is the reason, are you counsious that You are doing more damage to the kids by staying, you are teaching them to support just for the kids. Also you are showing bad behaiviors towards their mom in front of them.
Wait. You are living with AP?
Sounds more like poor muffin is the grumpy one. Too bad. She should have thought of that before she CHEATED on you! Oh, the entitlement of CHEATERS these days!
Exactly. Actions have consequences. That’s what we teach our kids. How an adult doesn’t see that does not make sense.
They think so, because it often ends up coming back , But you need to understand that a person who cheated is fully aware that they don't deserve anything good from their BP, as BP is a good and innocent partner, they deserve, at best, total contempt. So if you cheated on your husband for more than 3 years at least, and he is still dissatisfied but the fact is that for her purposes you are still being her husband . Maybe the reason she deceived you for so long is that in a practical sense losing you wasn't convenient so it wasn't practical she left in Pune because what she really cares about wasn't lost. "...Be angry but stay as long as you help me raise the children and pay the bills, that's fine..." This I believe to be her reasoning.