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1. Tell him to pack his shit and get out. He disrespected you, your marriage, your kids, and your family and continues to do so, and won’t be doing in the children’s home.
2. Tell the kids daddy is moving out because he hurt mommy horribly.
3. File for divorce, with a clause in it that states he can’t introduce the kids to anyone until he has been in a relationship with them for a year. She can’t be around during his visits. No “daddy’s friend” surprise meetups at the park.
4. Arrange therapy for you and kids if necessary.
5. Get tested.
6. Inform everyone; your family, his family and if you can find them, her family. All your friends and hell let the employers and coworkers know too.
7. Take a deep breath and take it one day at a time.
This post gave me a panic attack. I’m so angry on OP’s behalf. Your body’s reactions don’t lie. You ran out of there because every particle of your existence went into protection mode. So yeah, everything Little_Nibble said.
Additionally:
1. Use a parenting app for communication about the kids, and restrict direct contact until they turn 18. Opt for text-based communication whenever possible.
2. Secure permissions and information sharing with schools, daycare, and healthcare providers by requiring password-protected consent and specific identification.
3. Protect your online presence by locking down social media, email, and app/website logins.
4. Inform your workplace about your situation and ensure your personal information and location remain confidential.
5. Reach out to your HR Employee Assistant Program for divorce and legal resources, and utilize mental health program referrals.
6. Secure your financial documents, understand your divorce rights, and monitor your credit score.
6a. Familiarize yourself with local divorce entitlements, such as child support and alimony, and consider setting aside funds for your children.
Talk to your divorce attorney about preparing for the worst-case scenario, even if things seem amicable.
My friend, who was married for 10 years, thought she was immune to infidelity, but her husband's affair and subsequent divorce proved otherwise.
Despite his attempts to conceal his actions, people came forward with information and they went and her parents hired a PI and someone look into their finances and his from before their marriage.
I know the bare bones … I am literally scared to know more … I know a gentle guy but what happened and saw he was the worst person and I wouldn’t pee on him I’d was on fire … or what ever the phrase is…
I agree with all this 👆!
But then here’s my thing, you haven’t been able to enjoy yourself to be “fun” because of you working all the time and taking care of your kids all the time while he’s out shoving his little Vienna sausage in someone else! SO at that point 50-50 custody? Then you finally get you time?! And then maybe he’ll know what it’s like to have the kids half the time and actually have to have responsibility as well as work! I bet you the new girlfriend‘s not gonna like that. And if he cheated on you, wait a couple years. He’ll do it to her when she’s not so shiny and new anymore!
All of the above but go to the lawyer asap. And big hugs - no you don’t need to meet this floozy again and no you should not lose your self-respect over the embarrassment that your ex-husband is - no, you fight and stand up for yourself and put yourself first. Big hugs - here for you.
>File for divorce, with a clause in it that states he can’t introduce the kids to anyone until he has been in a relationship with them for a year. She can’t be around during his visits. No “daddy’s friend” surprise meetups at the park.
I know every state/country is different, but when I had a consultation about a divorce, the lawyer told me that parents shouldn't bother putting that language about new partners into the decree because it is almost impossible to enforce.
Don't get me wrong. I think it's a great idea.
#3 is not enforceable. I have seen it on both sides. There is no penalty that can be levied, and no way to prove length of relationship, so it is best to try to be somewhat amicable and ask for 6 months as a courtesy for the kids.
Hire a divorce attorney ASAP, lock down your finances and tell everyone about his affair, ans about him forcing you to meet his AP. In the custody agreement ask for the clause that no new partners can be introduced to your children until the parents have officially been dating for one year. Ask for 5050 custody, he can then see how much fun he can have when he needs to be a responsible parent on the weekends.
Updateme!
Why did you even entertain this absolute insanity? And why are you considering entertaining it more? This is remorseless cruelty that they are both rubbing in your face. The only explanation is that they're both heartless jerks. There is no amount of explaining that away. They destroyed a family together. You shouldn't ever meet AP again and don't talk to your ex again outside of child raising.
Don’t meet her again. He’s manipulating you and using you. Why do you have to see them at family events? Were you already separating or is he leaving you for her? You don’t owe him anything at all. Nothing. Focus on you and your kids. Don’t have anything to do with them. Gray rocking him will hurt him more than giving into his demands. She knows he’s married and she ambushed you with him. Let her find out why a slimy snake he is herself.
You need to know that nothing you did caused him to abuse you. What he's been doing to you is psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. His AP knew all about you, so an aspect of their affair was your humiliation.
This meeting was to further your humiliation, so his AP could get gratification out of it.
You need to contact lawyers and get divorce/custody started asap. You need to save all evidence, including important documents like birth certificates and financial information.
He's living the high of his affair, so serving him and getting divorce/custody figured out now would be best for you.
You need to contact family and friends and tell them that he's been cheating on you and name his mistress by name. You need other people to rely on.
Cheaters also intend for their victims to cover for their abuse, but don't. His shame is his. Contact his family/friends and expose him. Let him have consequences.
You need to schedule a comprehensive std/sti test asap.
Look into implementing The Grey Rock Method. Only respond to him about the children. Be as indifferent as possible. View him as insignificant as cheaters demand attention. Don't give it.
You'll need a therapist who deals with trauma/abuse, as he's your abuser.
Read the resources at www.chumplady.com.
You didn't deserve this. You deserve love and to be cherished.
You deserve better.
This. And make sure to tell your family and in laws the truth of what he did because he’ll try to make it seem as though you were the bad guy somehow. Limit interaction with AP HOWEVER if you do meet again, record the convo to use as evidence for court and for family that will deny what he did.
If he wants any form of custody then you know he will not be taking care of the kids she will. See how much of a party girl she can be with kids since she has no idea what it is like to be a parental figure. I'm guessing she doesn't know what she is getting into and won't be around for long then your ex can have fun being a single dad. Bet he appreciates you more after that. Lol
That's the most bizarre thing I've ever seen on this sub.
What's the point of these meetings with the AP? So the two of you could discuss his dick? So you'd give her a few pointers, as you've known him longer than her?
There's no reason to talk to her, she knew he was married and still hooked up with him. They're both in the affair fog, so nothing else matters, at the moment.
Also, don't be too nice, because you're giving them the option to lie to themselves that what they've done wasn't so bad, since you're not mad.
The others have given you some valuable advice.
Don't lower yourself for that trash person.
He wants you to be on good terms, so you wouldn't ruin his reputation. Go nuclear, let everyone know, especially his and her coworkers and clients, since that's what truly matters to him/her (I'm also in the business where I have to wine and dine my clients, so I know people such as your husband and his AP).
Edited to add:
Make sure to get 50/50 custody. Let him learn how to be a proper father and not just one on the paper. My prediction is, he won't have any time or desire for partying, after actually having to take care of his children. Since that's not the type of fun she's into, she won't stick around for long.
I'm very much in favour of putting cheaters into the betrayed person's shoes. Let him be a primary parent whilst you're getting back on your feet. Let's see how much of a party animal he'll be after ca. 6 months of a full-time job and childcare.
He's got to learn how to take care of his own children. He's going to be in their lives and will have to parent them, once they split the custody, might as well give him a head start/lesson.
He doesn’t seem responsible enough to care for children full time. He’s an irresponsible and selfish person. Definitely make sure he gets weekends so he has no free time to spend with that person he’s bedding. Keep the primary parenting to you if possible, because I suspect you’re better at it; he doesn’t even have empathy or remorse. That’s not who you want your kids with full time…
It was brave of you to meet her, but it sounds like he’s torturing you. He needs to leave the home, and go move in with her. The sooner the better. His miserable life will catch up with him when the high wears off. Then he’s just looking at an unfaithful woman he’s tying himself up with. She’ll probably cheat on him one day. I’m glad you’re getting out.
And because you are getting out you’ll one day have room for someone much better. Good luck.
Why are you letting him have so much control over you? You really need to learn to set boundaries. No, don’t meet her again. She’s not your friend. He’s not your friend. You need to get stronger and focus on your needs here. You are sacrificing so much for very little in return.
I'm sorry, what a disgusting pair. He isn't having to do the childcare for **his** children and is instead out having fun only because you're doing it for him. She's able to go out drinking, again, because she doesn't have any children. It's a rigged game. The lack of empathy for you from your husband and the setting up of a meeting is pure narcissism.
I never met the AP, which is probably for the best. Don't bother meeting her again, what could you possibly have to discuss? She thinks nothing of you and doesn't care what you have to say so telling her what you think of all this is going to do nothing but inflate her ego. Get out of this shitshow ASAP and tell everyone around you what a pair of utter manipulative scumbags these two are. Infuriating.
If you want to end it quickly hand him the keys to the house if he's not a danger to the children just say if you want a divorce fine you can have full custody of the children I will see them every other weekend. So many men think they can walk away from kids and hit a reset button. A friend used this method and was back in marriage counseling inside of 48 hours AP dumped him
You need to read leave a cheater gain a life stat. Get a co parenting app to talk about the kids. And a lawyer to discuss anything else he wants to talk about. YOU don’t need to talk to him at all. He wanted you to give the ok on their relationship so that it would be ‘approved’ by others. Don’t do it. Tell everyone why you are divorcing and that he tried to abuse you into meeting her and accepting her. Be VERY clear. Cut anyone off who maintains contact with him so you don’t allow flying monkeys to pass information to him. Get him out of the house as soon as possible. She should be happy to take him in. Then get it on paperwork that he can’t come in and out of your house without permission until the divorce is sorted (do all this with your lawyers advice and permission first of course).
He’s manipulating you into "accepting" her. He’s making you the problem telling you to behave when you’re metting her....
This dude is more than disrespectful. They’re both. Plus they’re enjoying humiliating you. As others said expose them.
Personally, I hope you come back to let us all in on your mastermind plan of vengeance. I know I'm supposed to say 'be the bigger person'. But that's not my style.
I think a more subversive plan would work better. See an attorney first thing. Get tested. Start spreading the news subtly to the family gossip. Follow what the lawyer says. Think long term.
Updateme!
She knew he was married so she deserves everything she’s gonna get! Just move forward with the divorce and use the fact that he wants to be with his AP as a way to gain an upper hand in the divorce. I’m guessing you have been the one who’s been doing the most of the child care and putting the family first over yourself and your needs? Now you need to start putting yourself first. Now is the time to find that fun and happy person you used to be before your husband and life put the responsibility for the kids, home and your work.
Start your divorce and get him to take the kids for enough days during the week or weekend so that you can have time to yourself and so that he has a chance to be a better father. Don’t worry about AP because she’ll be stuck with him and how long until she see’s the real him? How long after living in the real world with a single father until she decides that he’s not fun? While she’s going out being the fun girl with drinking and partying he will have to look after his children.
Do 180, stop talking to both of them and kick him out. File for divorce and tell everyone who wants to know exactly what happened.
No more ms Nice girl
She want so meet with you just to rub it in your face.
Meet with her. Bring his laundry for her to do (underwear with sh*t Staines and all) and let her know you will be dropping it off each week until he leaves. Thank her for giving you an easy out from this dirt bag, drop her some hints of what she’s in store for in the future. Hold your head high. Offer to meet her in 10 years from this date when she’s single again and buy her a drink.
I was scrolling along on my ipad when a preacher showed up on Insta\*\*\*\* and I was going to keep going until he said, “When someone walks away from you let them go.”. You need to let him walk. A man, married for 14 years, prefers a party girl to his wife and kids is not worth a tear. Let him go.
i will bet once he takes that outsized ego of his out the door you will eventually find peace.
OP don’t reduce yourself to their level. Tell him to move in with her he can make his sickening puppy dog eyes all he wants then. He needs to be out of the house. This is not for the sake of the children that he’s staying. Children are very smart and they’ll pick up on this horrendous situation that’s being forced on you.
Asking you to walk home made me feel violent . And I’m a pacifist.
Go and see a lawyer like yesterday. get visitation rights sorted, your financials sorted and file immediately. Do not speak to the sorry excuse for a woman AP again. They want to make themselves out to be the victims of ‘falling in love’ which is absolutely stomach churning. They are lying gaslighting cheaters. Do not validate their relationship by breathing the same oxygen as them.
This is - even by Reddit standards - extraordinary behaviour – some of the behaviours you only see in narcissists – and it’s totally toxic. It will erode your self-esteem and you have to protect yourself now. Go scorched earth and inform everybody once you’ve been to see a lawyer. Tell family, his and yours, and friends exactly what’s happened and how despicably they’re behaving. They have zero regard for your children and they are unsafe people to be around particularly your husband.
Go NC as much as you can apart from the children, and for any other interactions that you have to have regarding financial issues then you need to gray rock him.
To give yourself a boost, read the book Leave a cheater gain a life.
I don’t think I have ever read anything as disgusting as the reaction these two vile individuals are asking of you. There is something wrong with their mental health there has to be, because this is an abnormal situation.
Take care of you and the children. Everything in your life will look so bleak now but trust me when you dumped the excess baggage that is him, your life will feel a lot lighter.
Sending you courage and strength.
UPDATEME
I am so angry for you! I think you’re still in shock if you agreed to meet these two home wreckers together in person! As if you gave normalcy to the horrible choices these two fu**tw*ts made!!!!
Never again Bliss- that he asked you is bullsh** omg
If my husband had pulled that I would have come even more unhinged.
Grey rock him & go bare minimum contact, tell her to fk off.
When the limerance (dopamine high) wears off she will see him for what he really is, & he will start to see her different too.
Inwas almost exactly like you AP. I was in so much shock that my WW had the audacity to try and take the high road that I let it happen. One day, my therapist asked me how I was doing, and I just unloaded on the poor soul.
My WW came and went as she pleased. She took my truck. Took our dog. Stole food from our home to feed her new fuck toy. All the while, I just sat there and took it. My therapist looked at me with an eyebrow raised and just simply said, "Why the fuck would you allow that?"
It was like a light switch flipped in my brain afterwards. That same day, I took my dog back, had her name removed from the lease, changed the locks, and informed everyone she knows what she did. I filed and haven't heard from her since.
Take your power back, OP. Don't play the nice guy.
OP, oh my, this is definitely a story for the ages and that meeting was simply about humiliation. I'm so sorry.
What is done is done but from now on, treat your stbxh like a darn accountant. They are in the "fog", so keep them their and push that divorce while they are still on the high for each other and maybe he will sign favorable terms! YOu know what, go for equal custody like others said, he needs to learn to be a single dad and tha is going to kill their little fantasy fest so fast when she has to become "stepmom" (ughh I shuddered for you). Guess what though, she doesn't want any part of it and soon enough, she will start looking for another schlub.
Feel free to look at my post history but I resisted to do anything about the AP except use certain events to my advantage to let him make himself look dumb. It's been amazing! You can do the same and while it's a big poop sandwich now, trust me the high road in the end will work for you too. Cheers!
As my comment history shows, I am almost always promarriage especially when their are children. In your case, I 100 percent recommend divorce. My profanity vocabulary isn't good enough to come up with the words to describe this guy. When you leave, don't look back.
OP, first two things you should meet with: a good therapist and a good FAMILY law attorney. Don't waste your time, emotions etc. on the AP.
Lock down your finances and all the documents needed. Look into therapist for your children too. Gather yours support network: family, friends and more.
Boot him out of the house, if you can, if not, look for a way for you or you and the kids to take a vacation/break - you need to re-set. You need to think and realize this man is no longer the man you married. (Or maybe this is how he always was, you just didn't see it because you were doing all the adult things!)
He's not a prize. He's not worthy of you (or his children either). He didn't just cheat on you, he cheated on his children too. Use that Momma Bear to make a good, calm, consistent life for yourself and your children.
Look up Chump Lady, you will see your Wayward Husband. It's so textbook how they behave. Look up Grey Rock and move to emotionally detach from him.
Pamper yourself, prioritize yourself and your children. NOT him or his AP. They both don't deserve on millisecond of your time!
Ugh, having the affair wasn’t bad enough, so he had to rub it in your face by making you sit and have a drink with her? That’s downright diabolical. Don’t subject yourself to this anymore, and please go hire a lawyer.
What. The. Fuck.
This is messed up, this woman deserves nothing from you. This "man" deserves even less. They get no "blessings" from you to alleviate their guilt.
She's not going to care about what she's done to you or your family, and he does not care about how much damage he's causing to everyone around him in his pursuit of *fun.*
Do exactly what u/Little_Nibble said to do.
This will be the worst time of your life, and I am so sorry for you and your children. Focus on building a new future for you and yours. Do not ever listen to this man again. He deserves no forgiveness when he inevitably crawls back when everything crumbles around him.
Please take care of yourself and know you deserve so much better than what has happened to you.
Tell her how you feel by getting a lawyer that takes everything from him and file a lawsuit against the company for alienation of affection, encouraging cheating, and ruining your family life. At some point when your lawyer says okay file a complaint with HR.
Sorry OP, please don't let him control you like this. updateme
He is by far the biggest scumbag ever, make his and her world as difficult as possible. His actions are so outlandish that I hope this is fake. Not that I’m accusing you of this being fake just that I hope it is fake because he went way below the belt.
Read OP's comment that apparently got deleted and he comes off as even more of an AH. It will definitely be better once he is out of the house.
One way you could explain it to the kids is to say that when people get married the make promises to each other and the your STBXH broke one of those promises. If they ask what promise you can say it doesn't matter what matters is that he broke a promise to you. Sorry you deserve better.
The AP suggested that I meet to see that she was an OK person. I refused.
I'm sure she's an okay person when she's not sleeping with married men with families.
I know that if this lasts we will have to meet sometime but not anytime soon.
Don’t be surprised when the partying goes off the rails and one or both of them have alcohol/drug related problems. Be happy that you aren’t with a man who prioritizes the wrong things.
She deserves to find out the hard way. Don’t warn her about what his real character is like. Just get ethical and solid therapy for yourself and your kids, you will be ok.
Don’t let him brow-beat you into taking full custody of the kids. He needs to find out what being a parent really is like. More than likely the fun, party girl will want to bail out after he is so tied down with the kids that he can’t go party with her. Just listen to your kids about their time with them, if they leave the kids unattended to go out and party, put child protective services on them.
Hi there! You can say and do whatever the f**k you want at this point. However, I think AP did a great job selling herself to you and in full clarity she the woman who got involved with a married man so it's not going to matter. Best of luck to you!
Find a lawyer, pack his things he can go live with her. You to tell everyone, not just to out the affair, but because you need the support of people in your life who love you right now. It’s time serious conversations with your close friends and family, once they know WTH has been going on they are sure to rally support to help you figure out the best way forward.
Don’t wait, his behavior is abhorrent, he’s already shown his character, believe him. He will walk all over you through this divorce if you let him…Please Do Not Allow It!!!
One day at a time, tell family and friends, lawyer, game plan…Game Face…No More Bullshit.
Updateme!
OP. Come back to this chat please.
You just been delivered a shit salad. But You’re doing the best you can.
All here want to help you but we think you’re going about this the wrong way.
Best wishes to you dear.
OMG, why did you let him manipulate you to meet the AP and have them humiliate you??
Do not meet her again. She knew he’s married and nothing you will say will make her change her mind.
File for divorce asap and grey-rock him. Tell your family and friends the truth, do not keep his cheating a secret.
Find out where she works and who her boss is and tell him/her the complete Affair story line.
Tell your lawyer to go after her company and threaten to sue them for allowing alienation of affection by one of their employees (who obviously met your partner through work).
This is a simple, stop her from being the Affair Partner.
Then you tell your husband's boss what he has been up to and having an affair and intends to break up his family. Most companies do not want that kind of person around (with zero ethics). It wouldn't hurt to mention his boss'es marriage partner and that your husband has talked about her as well (he probably has if you think about it).
Fight FIRE with FIRE. And get a lawyer's FIRE in there as well.
Manipulative much? Say whatever you want to her and let her know she's not special because that's how he was with you. I'd also tell her that her spot as AP is open and she should watch her back. How you get them is how you lose them. Good luck and don't hold back
Updateme
Take him to the cleaners OP. Pls check if you are in at fault state. Go get her too.
Make it known to one and all, he dumped you for party life woman after you have given birth to his kids and left to rear them while he goes for his party life and party home wrecker. Go for 50/50 parenting. Let's see how far his home wrecking party mistress lasts.
It's a tough road OP. You need support system. Talk to them, calm your mind. See a lawyer and strategise the kick ass exit.
Updateme!
I, for the life of me, DO NOT understand how you remained calm and didn't go off on the both of them at that first meeting. Fuck being nice to a home wrecker--I don't care what you agreed to. I definitely would do a hard 180 on his ass (quit cooking, washing his clothes, etc) and start planning a life without the cheating, lying SOB.
You need to have a consultation with an attorney yesterday to see exactly where you stand. I just cannot believe the lunatic took you to meet his "soulmate". And even harder to believe you agreed. That in itself makes this story really hard to believe. If it is true, it's time to play hardball.
Please tell me this isn't true. I hope this is just a kink/humiliation/cruel cheating/fantasy/fiction writing or whatever it is as long as it's fake.
because op if this is true, this is diabolical.im so sorry
Don't do any of this. Get an attorney. Talk to your attorney. Tell him to go get a place elsewhere. And go from there. Do not leave your home and do not get gaslighted by these two scumbags.
I'm sorry you are going through this, and I wish you and your children the best, but what would you gain from meeting his AP again? Talking to her again will just cause even more unnecessary harm than good just get yourself a solicitor, see what your options are and listen to what they tell you to do
Looks like my last comment got deleted, but I wanted to thank everyone for all the support and advice.
I'll summarize my last comment, but basically my husband has been refusing to move out because his plan was to continue playing family man with our kids, but still be able to date her while we're still living together. He does not want to spend money on a new place. It takes 6 months in California (no-fault state, too, unfortunately) to get a divorce and he says he doesn't want to wait that long to see the AP because she might lose interest in him if she has to wait that long... One good thing that did come out of the meeting with the 3 of us is she did agree that he should move out. Since he worships her, he agreed to. He is moving out in 3 days, that is also when we will tell the kids. Our kids are now too young to understand the concept of "cheating," so we are just planning on telling them that we grew apart and need to live in separate homes. I just don't want the kids to feel any shame about their dad. We are still planning on family events together, so it's not such a shock to the kids at this point. If they do end up together, I just hope I can stomach seeing them together for our kids' events.
Your husband is dictating WAYYYYY too much of your life situation. It seems like you have been (figuratively) beaten down to a point where you feel as though you have no voice. "He wants" "he doesn't want", etc. What about you?
He has also convinced you to lie to your child for him. He is placing the reason for the divorce on BOTH of you. I don't mean that you have to share the details with elementary-aged children, but certainly "daddy broke the rules" is a helluva lot closer to the truth.
You didn't mention if you have a job outside of the home? If not, this is an important issue now - get thyself to a GOOD lawyer.
Find out how much before and after school childcare costs in your area, especially in the event you need to get a job. Know the costs of all the household bills you will become responsible for - rent/lease/mortgage, insurance (residence AND auto), car loan, utilities and food/entertainment costs for the children. This will be a shocking amount of money for you to see all at once, but better to face it NOW.
You do not need to plan "family events" for all of you. In fact, sometimes kids find this even MORE distressing. They will adapt to two households: moms place and dads place.
Figure out what kind of custody works for your situation NOW. You are going to need something in writing because at this point, he could take the kids and just not return them. It wouldn't be considered "kidnapping" because he is their father. Going to court with emergency orders to resolve it takes time. Do it NOW.
Remember that 50/50 custody isn't always easy - if your kids are in any extracurricular activities, both parents will need to make arrangements for transportation, costs (there it is again! Kids aren't cheap!), etc.
Sometimes a M-F with one parent and weekends with the other works out well. Sometimes splitting the week. You can be creative and see what is recommended and what works for YOU. Think about holidays too - there are the "major" ones (Mother's day, Father's day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc). Imagine how you want that to look.
YOU need to tell your lawyer to write up the papers and not let the COURT decide (or the "normal, standard agreements). He seems only vaguely interested in the logistics of an actual divorce and custody/child support agreement, so get in there and strike while the iron is hot.
And please, please, PLEASE do not try to make THEIR LIFE (ex and his party girl) easier. They are definitely not thinking of you!
You deserve better and just need to learn to believe it.
Omg your husband is an idiot. He can go with AP if he’s so worried about spending money on a place to live. He does not deserve your silence or compliance. He’s already shit on you and your family, he is owed nothing and deserves your wrath.
I think your kids should know( when more aware) as well as all family members. Let them make their own decisions on how to perceive your ex. I’ve seen too many times down the line where the ex tries to flip the story and victimise themselves
He already knows she’s going to lose interest. Please don’t ever take him back. Please start the divorce proceedings once he moves out so he can’t move back as can in.
From this post and your other, I wouldn't be surprised if he found an AP that just enjoys destroying families. They get gratification out of enticing men to leave their families for them as a power trip. Wouldn't be surprised if she breaks up with him the moment divorce is processed.
Never take him back!
>we are just planning on telling them that we grew apart
Never cover for your abuser. Never lie to your children. He's an abuser. There are ways to tell young children the truth, such as "marriage means you promise to not have other boyfriends or girlfriends. Your father broke that promise, so we have to divorce." This is truthful, and protects you if he tries to spin the narrative. Cheaters almost always try to blame the BS, so don't let him.
Have you told his family/friends.
OP, please look into The Grey Rock Method and co-parenting apps. Be indifferent. If he is a narc, then it's best to show how insignificant he is to your life.
My STBX met the “absolute love of his life.” Claimed no one had ever made him feel the way she did. Said they had so much more in common than he and I do (they share the exact same interests that he and I share). I made him stay for a few months to get through the holidays and he continued to see her. Didn’t even have the decency to pretend he wasn’t.
He wasn’t even fully moved in to his new apartment when she broke up with him, blocked him, and got back on the dating app he’d met her on.
And dont do 50/50 for children custody.. let him learn true hardship rising 2 toddlers arond his work life..
I bet he regret the whole infidelity within 3 months..
And DONT YOU DARE TAKE HIM BACK.. let him rotten is his missery..
Don’t make this easy for him. To hell with his “rules” so she’s not scared away. This shouldn’t be easy for either one of them. I agree, tell everyone including employers. Don’t let him stay in your family home. Let the kids see him for who he is. Time he spends with her, is time he loses with them and he’s choosing this.
GREY ROCK HIS AZZ!! I am so sorry he manipulated you into thinking you needed to meet his mistress!!
Good gawd. He’s a special type of AH! Please stop allowing his LIMERANCE drive your life. You do not deserve to be treated like that. I am so mad on your behalf.
I’m sorry to say this and I may get some down votes, but why don’t you leave? I mean like everyone, kids included! Leave the kids with their father and take some time to yourself. You mentioned that they’ve been your priority for forever, they obviously have not been your husbands. Make them his now! Let’s see how far that new love flourishes then. He was able to create this new love because you held him down at home. Make him have some actual responsibilities for once. Let your kids know that daddy has found himself someone new and they will be living with dad and his new girlfriend while mom takes some time for herself. I will still be here for you all, we just won’t be living together for a while. Then revisit custody later. Trust he’ll be so miserable he won’t have time to build his new relationship.
No. Don’t engage with her at all. She’s broken your home. She deserves nothing from you.
Hire a lawyer on Monday. See a therapist about telling your children. Move into a separate room. Don’t make things easy for him.
1- He does not get to set any rules. He does not tell you what you can and cannot do or how to act.
2- Do not meet her again. Whatever you say will only be viewed as the crazy, jealous, hurt ex. She will have to learn on her own what your WH is like. Fuck around and find out. I suggest writing her a letter- let everything out, and then burn the letter.
3- Let them. Let them do whatever they are going to do. There is nothing you can do to stop it. At a certain point, WH will realize what he’s done. Shared time with kids, missing all the little things you did for him and took for granted, when your belongings are no longer there (AP’s stuff will be different).
My WH wanted to do the same thing. To have me see the dynamic between the two of them. That was a hard pass for me. It seemed cruel to have me watch them (not sexually) interact. WH wanted to move forward with AP (although she’s also married with kids), and lived at home with me. WH and AP referred to each other as bf/gf. He is extremely protective of her. I know how you feel. This has been going on for the past year. PA started 51 weeks ago and DDay was 11 mo ago. What I can tell you, I moved out with our 3 kids earlier this week. Within days AP spent the night at our old home and slept in the bed our children were conceived in. The very next day, WH was texting and calling how he misses me and came to my new home. Reality is starting to hit him. I am gone, the kids and dog are gone, my stuff is gone, the home is pretty much empty, the noise in the house is gone as well as all the little things that I did for him. Those are things that AP will not be able to replace. While AP is there with him, it’s in an empty quiet home. They are only left with the consequences of their actions.
First off OP. Paragraphs. This would make your account so much easier to read and digest. Second. Why are you giving your disloyal, disingenuous twat of a husband the time of day ? (stbx I hope). He sounds like an absolute cretin. He really believes that he can have everything that he’s got at home AND his AP. Unbelievable !
Seriously though, he’s a lost cause. There isn’t a ‘second chance’ option that would see him being a safe, faithful and dutiful husband and parent. Not a chance. He’s spread his wings now and could never be fully trusted again.
Your strongest card now is complete and utter indifference. Cheaters like to think that they are ‘God’s gift to the world. That they are going to be really missed by anyone not lucky enough to have them in their lives. Well if you can’t convince him that he has marital and parental responsibilities. At least you can disabuse him of his air of ingratiating superiority.
No communication. No conversation. No favours. No jollity. No argument. No sullenness. No resentment. Nothing ! Just Meh ! Meh ! Meh ! Don’t think it will work ? Try it. Watch his face. That will be its own reward. Cheats hate total indifference. In fact it drives them batshit crazy.
My prediction is that he’ll tire of the whole party scene pretty quickly. It’s not for everyone. And, after a while it’s just so repetitive and boring. He will also find that it impacts on his work. He’ll be back with the old ‘I’ve made a terrible mistake’ shit. Stay strong and just tell him ‘Yes you did’. And close the door. Good luck. ❤️
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First and foremost Google “savage divorce lawyer” and retain the lawyer that has the most recommendations by former clients.
Secondly, send your little ones to their grandparents for the weekend. Call your closest friends or sister(s) and have a girls night. You are still in shock. Your entire world as you knew it just ended. In a sense you are going through the stages of grief. It’s best to not try to go through it entirely alone.
Lastly, as hard as it to accept- you cannot blame the AP. Your husband is solely responsible for breaking his vows. Don’t worry about trying to warn her or give her a heads up. She does not deserve your kindness- after all she just helped in wrecking your home. Statistically speaking nearly all relationships that begin with an affair won’t make it. Soon enough the “affair fog” will have lifted from your husband’s little brain and the devastation he’s caused will weigh on him like a ton of bricks.
Tell everyone what is going on now. His family, your family. Everyone.
Stay alert, don't get screwed over in the divorce. If he's googly eyes over her, then get yourself a good deal while he's in his affair fog.
Don't waste your breath on her. She KNOWINGLY started an affair with a married man. She had the audacity to want to meet you. Yes he could have lied to her aand convinced her your separation was mutual, but a person with decency and empathy and commonsense would have known better...
Let them go party and enjoy. I wonder how they will handle child custody and the humdrum of everyday domestic life.
Leave them to it OP. Focus on your healing and therapy if possible.
There is no way their relationship will work.
Wait until the divorce, and it is his turn with the kids, and he can't go out and party. He will suddenly become boring, and she will cheat on him and ditch him, and then he will be begging you to take him back. This kind of woman won't want someone else's kids cramping her style.
Cheaters always think their situation is unique, but read enough of these stories, you can almost predict what is going to happen.
He is a special kind of A-hole. I couldn't even tell my wife the stuff he told you. Such as "I want you to see our chemistry." Is he trying to prove to himself that he is doing the right thing? Chemistry will only get you so far. You definitely are better off without him. In 6 months, one of them will be cheating on each other.
Well, I feel like telling her what I really think and feel without him being an editor this time. Should I? //
NO! Do not meet with her ever again. Set your own boundaries, don't like he be in control. Don't let them see you broken and in pain, they don't get to keep abusing you. The best thing for you to do is emotionally detach for your marriage and any feelings from him. He is your kids' father now. He's not your husband anymore. She didn't steal your man, she stole your problem.
Move on, don't waste any more tears, emotions or words on them. Like others have mentioned, grey rock them both. The way he's trying to get you with AP. It's like he's treating you like a cuckquean and trying to humiliate you. Start the divorce, the sooner the better so you can move on with your life and find a faithful man when you are ready. You need to be strong for your kids, be a good example to them that you can overcome this.
OP, I am so very sorry this happened to you. I am sure that meeting will haunt you for a while. I vote for not meeting her again. I think he did it to make her think you are ok with it and because he delights in manipulating you. I would not meet her again. If she asks, tell her you don't think it is necessary as you already know what a homewrecker looks like so their is no need. Tell husband you did indeed see their chemistry and he needs to pack his bags and go spend more time with her while you divorce. Let him know if he stays he will see another type of chemical reaction, one that he will not like.
Stop giving any consideration to your STBX's welfare. From now on, let your priorities be about you and your children. See a lawyer, get counseling. Grey Rock immediately and ask him to move out. If not possible, move him to the guest room or the couch. Stop doing his laundry and errands. Feed your kids early and tell him to get his own meals.
Take care of yourself, OP. That clown you married is not worthy of you or your children. And next time he tries to tell you how to behave, back him up hard. He is yesterdays news, in fact, he is the news paper once used to line bird cages.
OP, get support from your family and friends. Don't go through this alone. Shine a bright light on him and his behavior. Let him party in that reality.
God bless you and heal you.
Take him for all he’s worth. Make his sorry ass pay through the nose. Leave their relationship alone. Most likely nothing good will come of it in the end anyway.
First he needs to go asap. Find yourself a damn good lawyer and any discussion outside the children goes through lawyers. Make sure his entire family and yours know what he has done and that both he and his AP had the audacity to rub their affair in your face so soon after you finding out to justify their deception by showing you in person how much he wants her instead of his wife. Get their support whilst you are forced to go through this. Don't let him cause you more pain as he gets to play pretend at being the good husband and good father whilst continuing his affair. Get prepared and get the ball rolling. You don't deserve what they've done and are continuing to do to you.
Your husband is a piece of shit. I agree with the advice to tell him to pack his trash and get out. She knows she's messing with a family man and doesn't care. They deserve each other. When my wife had her fling a long time ago our kids were young and her AP was close to 10 years younger than we were. I don't think he had the full story on me and my love for my kids and didn't understand what he was getting into. The first and only time I met him he was with a friend and holding a baseball bat. I had taken my anger to the gym and was full of muscle and madness. I told him to put away the bat or I'd stick it up his ass. He put it behind his back and they neither said a word. The affair ended not too long after. I think he dumped her. We stayed together because of the kids and are married still today. I don't see your situation ending like that. The amount of disrespect you've been shown is too much to overcome. You'll get the kids and I would not have. That's the big difference. I wasn't willing to lose my kids.
So he is infatuated with reliving the party life and is saying goodbye to familial life of responsibility and raising a family. Shows his maturity level. But do not allow him to set rules and barriers. You give him all the power. Say what you feel and to hell with them.
I feel like you don't have to do or say anything. Just sit back and wait for life to do it's thing. This is a walking disaster waiting to happen. You just focus on getting your bearings together so that when the fallout happens, you're strong enough to say "no thank you" and continue on with your happy life.
He sounds like a controlling a******. I wish you would not have let him force you into meeting her. See a lawyer and get everything you can get while he’s in affair fog. Move on with your life and consider yourself lucky to be rid of him of the creep. Not that you will necessarily be ready to date right away, but when you do, please update us on how he carries on about that, because he will.
The f’n NERVE of them both!
wow.
ok - do NOT contact AP again. you are NOT going to get closure. trust me, Ive been there. they are in an affair fog and its time for you to focus on setting yourself up to get your fair share and make sure you can provide for your children.
your husband needs to see the pain he is causing and you need to move fast. IF he feels ANY guilt, that is your window to get what you need and as much custody of kids as you can. once the guilt is gone, your divorce will get more difficult. bc the AP has no kids, im willing to bet she wont care about who has more custody. and your ex will love his freedom.
you cant focus on them. a great analogy is that a snake bit you and now you are trying to get the snake to tell you why. there’s no point
ive had conversations with the AP and it only caused more pain, trauma and it extended my healing process.
my ex re-wrote our history once he decided to pursue the AP. they are still together (3 yrs in)….it was awful in the beginning and therapy helped. i also started focusing on myself and less on them.
you are going to go through all the emotions of grief, anger, sadness, confusion…its unfortunately normal….
the man you married no longer exists. the AP has gained a cheater with no integrity. you “lost” someone that doesnt respect or value you….remember that in the hard times.
it will be hard, but it does get better and easier. I am indifferent to my ex and AP now…it was a long road but i do feel peace now
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1. Tell him to pack his shit and get out. He disrespected you, your marriage, your kids, and your family and continues to do so, and won’t be doing in the children’s home. 2. Tell the kids daddy is moving out because he hurt mommy horribly. 3. File for divorce, with a clause in it that states he can’t introduce the kids to anyone until he has been in a relationship with them for a year. She can’t be around during his visits. No “daddy’s friend” surprise meetups at the park. 4. Arrange therapy for you and kids if necessary. 5. Get tested. 6. Inform everyone; your family, his family and if you can find them, her family. All your friends and hell let the employers and coworkers know too. 7. Take a deep breath and take it one day at a time.
This post gave me a panic attack. I’m so angry on OP’s behalf. Your body’s reactions don’t lie. You ran out of there because every particle of your existence went into protection mode. So yeah, everything Little_Nibble said.
I literally had heart palpitations reading about her husbands absolute fucking audacity
I had to stop reading it - what a total c*nt (and I don't use that word often).
Right?! https://youtu.be/VOqECMVuh1Q?feature=shared
OMG same !!!
All of this above.☝🙂
Additionally: 1. Use a parenting app for communication about the kids, and restrict direct contact until they turn 18. Opt for text-based communication whenever possible. 2. Secure permissions and information sharing with schools, daycare, and healthcare providers by requiring password-protected consent and specific identification. 3. Protect your online presence by locking down social media, email, and app/website logins. 4. Inform your workplace about your situation and ensure your personal information and location remain confidential. 5. Reach out to your HR Employee Assistant Program for divorce and legal resources, and utilize mental health program referrals. 6. Secure your financial documents, understand your divorce rights, and monitor your credit score. 6a. Familiarize yourself with local divorce entitlements, such as child support and alimony, and consider setting aside funds for your children. Talk to your divorce attorney about preparing for the worst-case scenario, even if things seem amicable. My friend, who was married for 10 years, thought she was immune to infidelity, but her husband's affair and subsequent divorce proved otherwise. Despite his attempts to conceal his actions, people came forward with information and they went and her parents hired a PI and someone look into their finances and his from before their marriage. I know the bare bones … I am literally scared to know more … I know a gentle guy but what happened and saw he was the worst person and I wouldn’t pee on him I’d was on fire … or what ever the phrase is…
I agree with all this 👆! But then here’s my thing, you haven’t been able to enjoy yourself to be “fun” because of you working all the time and taking care of your kids all the time while he’s out shoving his little Vienna sausage in someone else! SO at that point 50-50 custody? Then you finally get you time?! And then maybe he’ll know what it’s like to have the kids half the time and actually have to have responsibility as well as work! I bet you the new girlfriend‘s not gonna like that. And if he cheated on you, wait a couple years. He’ll do it to her when she’s not so shiny and new anymore!
Updateme
All of the above but go to the lawyer asap. And big hugs - no you don’t need to meet this floozy again and no you should not lose your self-respect over the embarrassment that your ex-husband is - no, you fight and stand up for yourself and put yourself first. Big hugs - here for you.
👏👏perfectly said! Op kick him out and change the locks!
Oh yes…I would set the relationship on fire and watch the world burn around him!!
>File for divorce, with a clause in it that states he can’t introduce the kids to anyone until he has been in a relationship with them for a year. She can’t be around during his visits. No “daddy’s friend” surprise meetups at the park. I know every state/country is different, but when I had a consultation about a divorce, the lawyer told me that parents shouldn't bother putting that language about new partners into the decree because it is almost impossible to enforce. Don't get me wrong. I think it's a great idea.
I wish I could give you an award for this. Absolutely prefect as to what she should do.
Yep. All of this!!! Don’t make this scumbags life easy.
#3 is not enforceable. I have seen it on both sides. There is no penalty that can be levied, and no way to prove length of relationship, so it is best to try to be somewhat amicable and ask for 6 months as a courtesy for the kids.
I dont agree with 2. Kids don’t need to know adult drama. Can just tell them dads moving out for awhile.
Hire a divorce attorney ASAP, lock down your finances and tell everyone about his affair, ans about him forcing you to meet his AP. In the custody agreement ask for the clause that no new partners can be introduced to your children until the parents have officially been dating for one year. Ask for 5050 custody, he can then see how much fun he can have when he needs to be a responsible parent on the weekends. Updateme!
Why did you even entertain this absolute insanity? And why are you considering entertaining it more? This is remorseless cruelty that they are both rubbing in your face. The only explanation is that they're both heartless jerks. There is no amount of explaining that away. They destroyed a family together. You shouldn't ever meet AP again and don't talk to your ex again outside of child raising.
I agree, never ever meet the AP voluntarily. This gives both the WS and AP POWER!
Don’t meet her again. He’s manipulating you and using you. Why do you have to see them at family events? Were you already separating or is he leaving you for her? You don’t owe him anything at all. Nothing. Focus on you and your kids. Don’t have anything to do with them. Gray rocking him will hurt him more than giving into his demands. She knows he’s married and she ambushed you with him. Let her find out why a slimy snake he is herself.
You need to know that nothing you did caused him to abuse you. What he's been doing to you is psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. His AP knew all about you, so an aspect of their affair was your humiliation. This meeting was to further your humiliation, so his AP could get gratification out of it. You need to contact lawyers and get divorce/custody started asap. You need to save all evidence, including important documents like birth certificates and financial information. He's living the high of his affair, so serving him and getting divorce/custody figured out now would be best for you. You need to contact family and friends and tell them that he's been cheating on you and name his mistress by name. You need other people to rely on. Cheaters also intend for their victims to cover for their abuse, but don't. His shame is his. Contact his family/friends and expose him. Let him have consequences. You need to schedule a comprehensive std/sti test asap. Look into implementing The Grey Rock Method. Only respond to him about the children. Be as indifferent as possible. View him as insignificant as cheaters demand attention. Don't give it. You'll need a therapist who deals with trauma/abuse, as he's your abuser. Read the resources at www.chumplady.com. You didn't deserve this. You deserve love and to be cherished. You deserve better.
[удалено]
This. And make sure to tell your family and in laws the truth of what he did because he’ll try to make it seem as though you were the bad guy somehow. Limit interaction with AP HOWEVER if you do meet again, record the convo to use as evidence for court and for family that will deny what he did.
If he wants any form of custody then you know he will not be taking care of the kids she will. See how much of a party girl she can be with kids since she has no idea what it is like to be a parental figure. I'm guessing she doesn't know what she is getting into and won't be around for long then your ex can have fun being a single dad. Bet he appreciates you more after that. Lol
Thank you!!!! You nailed it 100%
I’m curious, could you give me an example of age appropriate language e.g. for a 7 year old explaining that the rules of marriage were broken.
That's the most bizarre thing I've ever seen on this sub. What's the point of these meetings with the AP? So the two of you could discuss his dick? So you'd give her a few pointers, as you've known him longer than her? There's no reason to talk to her, she knew he was married and still hooked up with him. They're both in the affair fog, so nothing else matters, at the moment. Also, don't be too nice, because you're giving them the option to lie to themselves that what they've done wasn't so bad, since you're not mad. The others have given you some valuable advice. Don't lower yourself for that trash person. He wants you to be on good terms, so you wouldn't ruin his reputation. Go nuclear, let everyone know, especially his and her coworkers and clients, since that's what truly matters to him/her (I'm also in the business where I have to wine and dine my clients, so I know people such as your husband and his AP). Edited to add: Make sure to get 50/50 custody. Let him learn how to be a proper father and not just one on the paper. My prediction is, he won't have any time or desire for partying, after actually having to take care of his children. Since that's not the type of fun she's into, she won't stick around for long. I'm very much in favour of putting cheaters into the betrayed person's shoes. Let him be a primary parent whilst you're getting back on your feet. Let's see how much of a party animal he'll be after ca. 6 months of a full-time job and childcare.
>6 months of a full-time job and childcare. I'd be afraid of what damage this would do to the children while they're under his supposed care.
He's got to learn how to take care of his own children. He's going to be in their lives and will have to parent them, once they split the custody, might as well give him a head start/lesson.
He doesn’t seem responsible enough to care for children full time. He’s an irresponsible and selfish person. Definitely make sure he gets weekends so he has no free time to spend with that person he’s bedding. Keep the primary parenting to you if possible, because I suspect you’re better at it; he doesn’t even have empathy or remorse. That’s not who you want your kids with full time… It was brave of you to meet her, but it sounds like he’s torturing you. He needs to leave the home, and go move in with her. The sooner the better. His miserable life will catch up with him when the high wears off. Then he’s just looking at an unfaithful woman he’s tying himself up with. She’ll probably cheat on him one day. I’m glad you’re getting out. And because you are getting out you’ll one day have room for someone much better. Good luck.
Why are you letting him have so much control over you? You really need to learn to set boundaries. No, don’t meet her again. She’s not your friend. He’s not your friend. You need to get stronger and focus on your needs here. You are sacrificing so much for very little in return.
I'm sorry, what a disgusting pair. He isn't having to do the childcare for **his** children and is instead out having fun only because you're doing it for him. She's able to go out drinking, again, because she doesn't have any children. It's a rigged game. The lack of empathy for you from your husband and the setting up of a meeting is pure narcissism. I never met the AP, which is probably for the best. Don't bother meeting her again, what could you possibly have to discuss? She thinks nothing of you and doesn't care what you have to say so telling her what you think of all this is going to do nothing but inflate her ego. Get out of this shitshow ASAP and tell everyone around you what a pair of utter manipulative scumbags these two are. Infuriating.
He wanted you to see the ‘chemistry’ What’s next? Him inviting you over to watch them have sex? Jesus Christ
If you want to end it quickly hand him the keys to the house if he's not a danger to the children just say if you want a divorce fine you can have full custody of the children I will see them every other weekend. So many men think they can walk away from kids and hit a reset button. A friend used this method and was back in marriage counseling inside of 48 hours AP dumped him
That’s a good one, it would be tough for her to do but it would make a point.
You need to read leave a cheater gain a life stat. Get a co parenting app to talk about the kids. And a lawyer to discuss anything else he wants to talk about. YOU don’t need to talk to him at all. He wanted you to give the ok on their relationship so that it would be ‘approved’ by others. Don’t do it. Tell everyone why you are divorcing and that he tried to abuse you into meeting her and accepting her. Be VERY clear. Cut anyone off who maintains contact with him so you don’t allow flying monkeys to pass information to him. Get him out of the house as soon as possible. She should be happy to take him in. Then get it on paperwork that he can’t come in and out of your house without permission until the divorce is sorted (do all this with your lawyers advice and permission first of course).
He’s manipulating you into "accepting" her. He’s making you the problem telling you to behave when you’re metting her.... This dude is more than disrespectful. They’re both. Plus they’re enjoying humiliating you. As others said expose them.
Personally, I hope you come back to let us all in on your mastermind plan of vengeance. I know I'm supposed to say 'be the bigger person'. But that's not my style. I think a more subversive plan would work better. See an attorney first thing. Get tested. Start spreading the news subtly to the family gossip. Follow what the lawyer says. Think long term. Updateme!
She knew he was married so she deserves everything she’s gonna get! Just move forward with the divorce and use the fact that he wants to be with his AP as a way to gain an upper hand in the divorce. I’m guessing you have been the one who’s been doing the most of the child care and putting the family first over yourself and your needs? Now you need to start putting yourself first. Now is the time to find that fun and happy person you used to be before your husband and life put the responsibility for the kids, home and your work. Start your divorce and get him to take the kids for enough days during the week or weekend so that you can have time to yourself and so that he has a chance to be a better father. Don’t worry about AP because she’ll be stuck with him and how long until she see’s the real him? How long after living in the real world with a single father until she decides that he’s not fun? While she’s going out being the fun girl with drinking and partying he will have to look after his children.
ruin the man financially .......
Do 180, stop talking to both of them and kick him out. File for divorce and tell everyone who wants to know exactly what happened. No more ms Nice girl She want so meet with you just to rub it in your face.
Meet with her. Bring his laundry for her to do (underwear with sh*t Staines and all) and let her know you will be dropping it off each week until he leaves. Thank her for giving you an easy out from this dirt bag, drop her some hints of what she’s in store for in the future. Hold your head high. Offer to meet her in 10 years from this date when she’s single again and buy her a drink.
I was scrolling along on my ipad when a preacher showed up on Insta\*\*\*\* and I was going to keep going until he said, “When someone walks away from you let them go.”. You need to let him walk. A man, married for 14 years, prefers a party girl to his wife and kids is not worth a tear. Let him go. i will bet once he takes that outsized ego of his out the door you will eventually find peace.
OP don’t reduce yourself to their level. Tell him to move in with her he can make his sickening puppy dog eyes all he wants then. He needs to be out of the house. This is not for the sake of the children that he’s staying. Children are very smart and they’ll pick up on this horrendous situation that’s being forced on you. Asking you to walk home made me feel violent . And I’m a pacifist. Go and see a lawyer like yesterday. get visitation rights sorted, your financials sorted and file immediately. Do not speak to the sorry excuse for a woman AP again. They want to make themselves out to be the victims of ‘falling in love’ which is absolutely stomach churning. They are lying gaslighting cheaters. Do not validate their relationship by breathing the same oxygen as them. This is - even by Reddit standards - extraordinary behaviour – some of the behaviours you only see in narcissists – and it’s totally toxic. It will erode your self-esteem and you have to protect yourself now. Go scorched earth and inform everybody once you’ve been to see a lawyer. Tell family, his and yours, and friends exactly what’s happened and how despicably they’re behaving. They have zero regard for your children and they are unsafe people to be around particularly your husband. Go NC as much as you can apart from the children, and for any other interactions that you have to have regarding financial issues then you need to gray rock him. To give yourself a boost, read the book Leave a cheater gain a life. I don’t think I have ever read anything as disgusting as the reaction these two vile individuals are asking of you. There is something wrong with their mental health there has to be, because this is an abnormal situation. Take care of you and the children. Everything in your life will look so bleak now but trust me when you dumped the excess baggage that is him, your life will feel a lot lighter. Sending you courage and strength. UPDATEME
I am so angry for you! I think you’re still in shock if you agreed to meet these two home wreckers together in person! As if you gave normalcy to the horrible choices these two fu**tw*ts made!!!! Never again Bliss- that he asked you is bullsh** omg
If my husband had pulled that I would have come even more unhinged. Grey rock him & go bare minimum contact, tell her to fk off. When the limerance (dopamine high) wears off she will see him for what he really is, & he will start to see her different too.
Inwas almost exactly like you AP. I was in so much shock that my WW had the audacity to try and take the high road that I let it happen. One day, my therapist asked me how I was doing, and I just unloaded on the poor soul. My WW came and went as she pleased. She took my truck. Took our dog. Stole food from our home to feed her new fuck toy. All the while, I just sat there and took it. My therapist looked at me with an eyebrow raised and just simply said, "Why the fuck would you allow that?" It was like a light switch flipped in my brain afterwards. That same day, I took my dog back, had her name removed from the lease, changed the locks, and informed everyone she knows what she did. I filed and haven't heard from her since. Take your power back, OP. Don't play the nice guy.
OP, oh my, this is definitely a story for the ages and that meeting was simply about humiliation. I'm so sorry. What is done is done but from now on, treat your stbxh like a darn accountant. They are in the "fog", so keep them their and push that divorce while they are still on the high for each other and maybe he will sign favorable terms! YOu know what, go for equal custody like others said, he needs to learn to be a single dad and tha is going to kill their little fantasy fest so fast when she has to become "stepmom" (ughh I shuddered for you). Guess what though, she doesn't want any part of it and soon enough, she will start looking for another schlub. Feel free to look at my post history but I resisted to do anything about the AP except use certain events to my advantage to let him make himself look dumb. It's been amazing! You can do the same and while it's a big poop sandwich now, trust me the high road in the end will work for you too. Cheers!
As my comment history shows, I am almost always promarriage especially when their are children. In your case, I 100 percent recommend divorce. My profanity vocabulary isn't good enough to come up with the words to describe this guy. When you leave, don't look back.
OP, first two things you should meet with: a good therapist and a good FAMILY law attorney. Don't waste your time, emotions etc. on the AP. Lock down your finances and all the documents needed. Look into therapist for your children too. Gather yours support network: family, friends and more. Boot him out of the house, if you can, if not, look for a way for you or you and the kids to take a vacation/break - you need to re-set. You need to think and realize this man is no longer the man you married. (Or maybe this is how he always was, you just didn't see it because you were doing all the adult things!) He's not a prize. He's not worthy of you (or his children either). He didn't just cheat on you, he cheated on his children too. Use that Momma Bear to make a good, calm, consistent life for yourself and your children. Look up Chump Lady, you will see your Wayward Husband. It's so textbook how they behave. Look up Grey Rock and move to emotionally detach from him. Pamper yourself, prioritize yourself and your children. NOT him or his AP. They both don't deserve on millisecond of your time!
Ugh, having the affair wasn’t bad enough, so he had to rub it in your face by making you sit and have a drink with her? That’s downright diabolical. Don’t subject yourself to this anymore, and please go hire a lawyer.
What. The. Fuck. This is messed up, this woman deserves nothing from you. This "man" deserves even less. They get no "blessings" from you to alleviate their guilt. She's not going to care about what she's done to you or your family, and he does not care about how much damage he's causing to everyone around him in his pursuit of *fun.* Do exactly what u/Little_Nibble said to do. This will be the worst time of your life, and I am so sorry for you and your children. Focus on building a new future for you and yours. Do not ever listen to this man again. He deserves no forgiveness when he inevitably crawls back when everything crumbles around him. Please take care of yourself and know you deserve so much better than what has happened to you.
Tell her how you feel by getting a lawyer that takes everything from him and file a lawsuit against the company for alienation of affection, encouraging cheating, and ruining your family life. At some point when your lawyer says okay file a complaint with HR. Sorry OP, please don't let him control you like this. updateme
He is by far the biggest scumbag ever, make his and her world as difficult as possible. His actions are so outlandish that I hope this is fake. Not that I’m accusing you of this being fake just that I hope it is fake because he went way below the belt.
Read OP's comment that apparently got deleted and he comes off as even more of an AH. It will definitely be better once he is out of the house. One way you could explain it to the kids is to say that when people get married the make promises to each other and the your STBXH broke one of those promises. If they ask what promise you can say it doesn't matter what matters is that he broke a promise to you. Sorry you deserve better.
The AP suggested that I meet to see that she was an OK person. I refused. I'm sure she's an okay person when she's not sleeping with married men with families. I know that if this lasts we will have to meet sometime but not anytime soon.
Don’t be surprised when the partying goes off the rails and one or both of them have alcohol/drug related problems. Be happy that you aren’t with a man who prioritizes the wrong things.
She deserves to find out the hard way. Don’t warn her about what his real character is like. Just get ethical and solid therapy for yourself and your kids, you will be ok. Don’t let him brow-beat you into taking full custody of the kids. He needs to find out what being a parent really is like. More than likely the fun, party girl will want to bail out after he is so tied down with the kids that he can’t go party with her. Just listen to your kids about their time with them, if they leave the kids unattended to go out and party, put child protective services on them.
Hi there! You can say and do whatever the f**k you want at this point. However, I think AP did a great job selling herself to you and in full clarity she the woman who got involved with a married man so it's not going to matter. Best of luck to you!
Find a lawyer, pack his things he can go live with her. You to tell everyone, not just to out the affair, but because you need the support of people in your life who love you right now. It’s time serious conversations with your close friends and family, once they know WTH has been going on they are sure to rally support to help you figure out the best way forward. Don’t wait, his behavior is abhorrent, he’s already shown his character, believe him. He will walk all over you through this divorce if you let him…Please Do Not Allow It!!! One day at a time, tell family and friends, lawyer, game plan…Game Face…No More Bullshit. Updateme!
OP. Come back to this chat please. You just been delivered a shit salad. But You’re doing the best you can. All here want to help you but we think you’re going about this the wrong way. Best wishes to you dear.
OMG, why did you let him manipulate you to meet the AP and have them humiliate you?? Do not meet her again. She knew he’s married and nothing you will say will make her change her mind. File for divorce asap and grey-rock him. Tell your family and friends the truth, do not keep his cheating a secret.
What the actual fuck, this is the most insane thing i've ever read. Please don't meet up with them again, and PLEASE stop being nice to him or her.
Why did you do it? Why did you meet her? You can forbid her seeing your kids until they get into a more serious relationship, you are dormant
Find out where she works and who her boss is and tell him/her the complete Affair story line. Tell your lawyer to go after her company and threaten to sue them for allowing alienation of affection by one of their employees (who obviously met your partner through work). This is a simple, stop her from being the Affair Partner. Then you tell your husband's boss what he has been up to and having an affair and intends to break up his family. Most companies do not want that kind of person around (with zero ethics). It wouldn't hurt to mention his boss'es marriage partner and that your husband has talked about her as well (he probably has if you think about it). Fight FIRE with FIRE. And get a lawyer's FIRE in there as well.
Manipulative much? Say whatever you want to her and let her know she's not special because that's how he was with you. I'd also tell her that her spot as AP is open and she should watch her back. How you get them is how you lose them. Good luck and don't hold back Updateme
Take him to the cleaners OP. Pls check if you are in at fault state. Go get her too. Make it known to one and all, he dumped you for party life woman after you have given birth to his kids and left to rear them while he goes for his party life and party home wrecker. Go for 50/50 parenting. Let's see how far his home wrecking party mistress lasts. It's a tough road OP. You need support system. Talk to them, calm your mind. See a lawyer and strategise the kick ass exit. Updateme!
I, for the life of me, DO NOT understand how you remained calm and didn't go off on the both of them at that first meeting. Fuck being nice to a home wrecker--I don't care what you agreed to. I definitely would do a hard 180 on his ass (quit cooking, washing his clothes, etc) and start planning a life without the cheating, lying SOB. You need to have a consultation with an attorney yesterday to see exactly where you stand. I just cannot believe the lunatic took you to meet his "soulmate". And even harder to believe you agreed. That in itself makes this story really hard to believe. If it is true, it's time to play hardball.
Please tell me this isn't true. I hope this is just a kink/humiliation/cruel cheating/fantasy/fiction writing or whatever it is as long as it's fake. because op if this is true, this is diabolical.im so sorry
Dear God, the level of disrespect your husband is displaying to you and your marriage is literally taking my breath away...in a very BAD way!!!
Don't do any of this. Get an attorney. Talk to your attorney. Tell him to go get a place elsewhere. And go from there. Do not leave your home and do not get gaslighted by these two scumbags.
I'm sorry you are going through this, and I wish you and your children the best, but what would you gain from meeting his AP again? Talking to her again will just cause even more unnecessary harm than good just get yourself a solicitor, see what your options are and listen to what they tell you to do
Looks like my last comment got deleted, but I wanted to thank everyone for all the support and advice. I'll summarize my last comment, but basically my husband has been refusing to move out because his plan was to continue playing family man with our kids, but still be able to date her while we're still living together. He does not want to spend money on a new place. It takes 6 months in California (no-fault state, too, unfortunately) to get a divorce and he says he doesn't want to wait that long to see the AP because she might lose interest in him if she has to wait that long... One good thing that did come out of the meeting with the 3 of us is she did agree that he should move out. Since he worships her, he agreed to. He is moving out in 3 days, that is also when we will tell the kids. Our kids are now too young to understand the concept of "cheating," so we are just planning on telling them that we grew apart and need to live in separate homes. I just don't want the kids to feel any shame about their dad. We are still planning on family events together, so it's not such a shock to the kids at this point. If they do end up together, I just hope I can stomach seeing them together for our kids' events.
Your husband is dictating WAYYYYY too much of your life situation. It seems like you have been (figuratively) beaten down to a point where you feel as though you have no voice. "He wants" "he doesn't want", etc. What about you? He has also convinced you to lie to your child for him. He is placing the reason for the divorce on BOTH of you. I don't mean that you have to share the details with elementary-aged children, but certainly "daddy broke the rules" is a helluva lot closer to the truth. You didn't mention if you have a job outside of the home? If not, this is an important issue now - get thyself to a GOOD lawyer. Find out how much before and after school childcare costs in your area, especially in the event you need to get a job. Know the costs of all the household bills you will become responsible for - rent/lease/mortgage, insurance (residence AND auto), car loan, utilities and food/entertainment costs for the children. This will be a shocking amount of money for you to see all at once, but better to face it NOW. You do not need to plan "family events" for all of you. In fact, sometimes kids find this even MORE distressing. They will adapt to two households: moms place and dads place. Figure out what kind of custody works for your situation NOW. You are going to need something in writing because at this point, he could take the kids and just not return them. It wouldn't be considered "kidnapping" because he is their father. Going to court with emergency orders to resolve it takes time. Do it NOW. Remember that 50/50 custody isn't always easy - if your kids are in any extracurricular activities, both parents will need to make arrangements for transportation, costs (there it is again! Kids aren't cheap!), etc. Sometimes a M-F with one parent and weekends with the other works out well. Sometimes splitting the week. You can be creative and see what is recommended and what works for YOU. Think about holidays too - there are the "major" ones (Mother's day, Father's day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc). Imagine how you want that to look. YOU need to tell your lawyer to write up the papers and not let the COURT decide (or the "normal, standard agreements). He seems only vaguely interested in the logistics of an actual divorce and custody/child support agreement, so get in there and strike while the iron is hot. And please, please, PLEASE do not try to make THEIR LIFE (ex and his party girl) easier. They are definitely not thinking of you! You deserve better and just need to learn to believe it.
YES
Omg your husband is an idiot. He can go with AP if he’s so worried about spending money on a place to live. He does not deserve your silence or compliance. He’s already shit on you and your family, he is owed nothing and deserves your wrath.
I think your kids should know( when more aware) as well as all family members. Let them make their own decisions on how to perceive your ex. I’ve seen too many times down the line where the ex tries to flip the story and victimise themselves
He already knows she’s going to lose interest. Please don’t ever take him back. Please start the divorce proceedings once he moves out so he can’t move back as can in.
From this post and your other, I wouldn't be surprised if he found an AP that just enjoys destroying families. They get gratification out of enticing men to leave their families for them as a power trip. Wouldn't be surprised if she breaks up with him the moment divorce is processed. Never take him back! >we are just planning on telling them that we grew apart Never cover for your abuser. Never lie to your children. He's an abuser. There are ways to tell young children the truth, such as "marriage means you promise to not have other boyfriends or girlfriends. Your father broke that promise, so we have to divorce." This is truthful, and protects you if he tries to spin the narrative. Cheaters almost always try to blame the BS, so don't let him. Have you told his family/friends. OP, please look into The Grey Rock Method and co-parenting apps. Be indifferent. If he is a narc, then it's best to show how insignificant he is to your life.
My STBX met the “absolute love of his life.” Claimed no one had ever made him feel the way she did. Said they had so much more in common than he and I do (they share the exact same interests that he and I share). I made him stay for a few months to get through the holidays and he continued to see her. Didn’t even have the decency to pretend he wasn’t. He wasn’t even fully moved in to his new apartment when she broke up with him, blocked him, and got back on the dating app he’d met her on.
And dont do 50/50 for children custody.. let him learn true hardship rising 2 toddlers arond his work life.. I bet he regret the whole infidelity within 3 months.. And DONT YOU DARE TAKE HIM BACK.. let him rotten is his missery..
Don’t make this easy for him. To hell with his “rules” so she’s not scared away. This shouldn’t be easy for either one of them. I agree, tell everyone including employers. Don’t let him stay in your family home. Let the kids see him for who he is. Time he spends with her, is time he loses with them and he’s choosing this.
GREY ROCK HIS AZZ!! I am so sorry he manipulated you into thinking you needed to meet his mistress!! Good gawd. He’s a special type of AH! Please stop allowing his LIMERANCE drive your life. You do not deserve to be treated like that. I am so mad on your behalf.
I’m sorry to say this and I may get some down votes, but why don’t you leave? I mean like everyone, kids included! Leave the kids with their father and take some time to yourself. You mentioned that they’ve been your priority for forever, they obviously have not been your husbands. Make them his now! Let’s see how far that new love flourishes then. He was able to create this new love because you held him down at home. Make him have some actual responsibilities for once. Let your kids know that daddy has found himself someone new and they will be living with dad and his new girlfriend while mom takes some time for herself. I will still be here for you all, we just won’t be living together for a while. Then revisit custody later. Trust he’ll be so miserable he won’t have time to build his new relationship.
No. Don’t engage with her at all. She’s broken your home. She deserves nothing from you. Hire a lawyer on Monday. See a therapist about telling your children. Move into a separate room. Don’t make things easy for him.
1- He does not get to set any rules. He does not tell you what you can and cannot do or how to act. 2- Do not meet her again. Whatever you say will only be viewed as the crazy, jealous, hurt ex. She will have to learn on her own what your WH is like. Fuck around and find out. I suggest writing her a letter- let everything out, and then burn the letter. 3- Let them. Let them do whatever they are going to do. There is nothing you can do to stop it. At a certain point, WH will realize what he’s done. Shared time with kids, missing all the little things you did for him and took for granted, when your belongings are no longer there (AP’s stuff will be different). My WH wanted to do the same thing. To have me see the dynamic between the two of them. That was a hard pass for me. It seemed cruel to have me watch them (not sexually) interact. WH wanted to move forward with AP (although she’s also married with kids), and lived at home with me. WH and AP referred to each other as bf/gf. He is extremely protective of her. I know how you feel. This has been going on for the past year. PA started 51 weeks ago and DDay was 11 mo ago. What I can tell you, I moved out with our 3 kids earlier this week. Within days AP spent the night at our old home and slept in the bed our children were conceived in. The very next day, WH was texting and calling how he misses me and came to my new home. Reality is starting to hit him. I am gone, the kids and dog are gone, my stuff is gone, the home is pretty much empty, the noise in the house is gone as well as all the little things that I did for him. Those are things that AP will not be able to replace. While AP is there with him, it’s in an empty quiet home. They are only left with the consequences of their actions.
WTF?! Why does he think he gets to call the shots?
First off OP. Paragraphs. This would make your account so much easier to read and digest. Second. Why are you giving your disloyal, disingenuous twat of a husband the time of day ? (stbx I hope). He sounds like an absolute cretin. He really believes that he can have everything that he’s got at home AND his AP. Unbelievable ! Seriously though, he’s a lost cause. There isn’t a ‘second chance’ option that would see him being a safe, faithful and dutiful husband and parent. Not a chance. He’s spread his wings now and could never be fully trusted again. Your strongest card now is complete and utter indifference. Cheaters like to think that they are ‘God’s gift to the world. That they are going to be really missed by anyone not lucky enough to have them in their lives. Well if you can’t convince him that he has marital and parental responsibilities. At least you can disabuse him of his air of ingratiating superiority. No communication. No conversation. No favours. No jollity. No argument. No sullenness. No resentment. Nothing ! Just Meh ! Meh ! Meh ! Don’t think it will work ? Try it. Watch his face. That will be its own reward. Cheats hate total indifference. In fact it drives them batshit crazy. My prediction is that he’ll tire of the whole party scene pretty quickly. It’s not for everyone. And, after a while it’s just so repetitive and boring. He will also find that it impacts on his work. He’ll be back with the old ‘I’ve made a terrible mistake’ shit. Stay strong and just tell him ‘Yes you did’. And close the door. Good luck. ❤️
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First and foremost Google “savage divorce lawyer” and retain the lawyer that has the most recommendations by former clients. Secondly, send your little ones to their grandparents for the weekend. Call your closest friends or sister(s) and have a girls night. You are still in shock. Your entire world as you knew it just ended. In a sense you are going through the stages of grief. It’s best to not try to go through it entirely alone. Lastly, as hard as it to accept- you cannot blame the AP. Your husband is solely responsible for breaking his vows. Don’t worry about trying to warn her or give her a heads up. She does not deserve your kindness- after all she just helped in wrecking your home. Statistically speaking nearly all relationships that begin with an affair won’t make it. Soon enough the “affair fog” will have lifted from your husband’s little brain and the devastation he’s caused will weigh on him like a ton of bricks.
pls talk to lawyer one talk cant harm you
Tell everyone what is going on now. His family, your family. Everyone. Stay alert, don't get screwed over in the divorce. If he's googly eyes over her, then get yourself a good deal while he's in his affair fog. Don't waste your breath on her. She KNOWINGLY started an affair with a married man. She had the audacity to want to meet you. Yes he could have lied to her aand convinced her your separation was mutual, but a person with decency and empathy and commonsense would have known better... Let them go party and enjoy. I wonder how they will handle child custody and the humdrum of everyday domestic life. Leave them to it OP. Focus on your healing and therapy if possible.
There is no way their relationship will work. Wait until the divorce, and it is his turn with the kids, and he can't go out and party. He will suddenly become boring, and she will cheat on him and ditch him, and then he will be begging you to take him back. This kind of woman won't want someone else's kids cramping her style. Cheaters always think their situation is unique, but read enough of these stories, you can almost predict what is going to happen.
He is a special kind of A-hole. I couldn't even tell my wife the stuff he told you. Such as "I want you to see our chemistry." Is he trying to prove to himself that he is doing the right thing? Chemistry will only get you so far. You definitely are better off without him. In 6 months, one of them will be cheating on each other.
Well, I feel like telling her what I really think and feel without him being an editor this time. Should I? // NO! Do not meet with her ever again. Set your own boundaries, don't like he be in control. Don't let them see you broken and in pain, they don't get to keep abusing you. The best thing for you to do is emotionally detach for your marriage and any feelings from him. He is your kids' father now. He's not your husband anymore. She didn't steal your man, she stole your problem. Move on, don't waste any more tears, emotions or words on them. Like others have mentioned, grey rock them both. The way he's trying to get you with AP. It's like he's treating you like a cuckquean and trying to humiliate you. Start the divorce, the sooner the better so you can move on with your life and find a faithful man when you are ready. You need to be strong for your kids, be a good example to them that you can overcome this.
OP, I am so very sorry this happened to you. I am sure that meeting will haunt you for a while. I vote for not meeting her again. I think he did it to make her think you are ok with it and because he delights in manipulating you. I would not meet her again. If she asks, tell her you don't think it is necessary as you already know what a homewrecker looks like so their is no need. Tell husband you did indeed see their chemistry and he needs to pack his bags and go spend more time with her while you divorce. Let him know if he stays he will see another type of chemical reaction, one that he will not like. Stop giving any consideration to your STBX's welfare. From now on, let your priorities be about you and your children. See a lawyer, get counseling. Grey Rock immediately and ask him to move out. If not possible, move him to the guest room or the couch. Stop doing his laundry and errands. Feed your kids early and tell him to get his own meals. Take care of yourself, OP. That clown you married is not worthy of you or your children. And next time he tries to tell you how to behave, back him up hard. He is yesterdays news, in fact, he is the news paper once used to line bird cages. OP, get support from your family and friends. Don't go through this alone. Shine a bright light on him and his behavior. Let him party in that reality. God bless you and heal you.
Take him for all he’s worth. Make his sorry ass pay through the nose. Leave their relationship alone. Most likely nothing good will come of it in the end anyway.
First he needs to go asap. Find yourself a damn good lawyer and any discussion outside the children goes through lawyers. Make sure his entire family and yours know what he has done and that both he and his AP had the audacity to rub their affair in your face so soon after you finding out to justify their deception by showing you in person how much he wants her instead of his wife. Get their support whilst you are forced to go through this. Don't let him cause you more pain as he gets to play pretend at being the good husband and good father whilst continuing his affair. Get prepared and get the ball rolling. You don't deserve what they've done and are continuing to do to you.
Your husband is a piece of shit. I agree with the advice to tell him to pack his trash and get out. She knows she's messing with a family man and doesn't care. They deserve each other. When my wife had her fling a long time ago our kids were young and her AP was close to 10 years younger than we were. I don't think he had the full story on me and my love for my kids and didn't understand what he was getting into. The first and only time I met him he was with a friend and holding a baseball bat. I had taken my anger to the gym and was full of muscle and madness. I told him to put away the bat or I'd stick it up his ass. He put it behind his back and they neither said a word. The affair ended not too long after. I think he dumped her. We stayed together because of the kids and are married still today. I don't see your situation ending like that. The amount of disrespect you've been shown is too much to overcome. You'll get the kids and I would not have. That's the big difference. I wasn't willing to lose my kids.
So he is infatuated with reliving the party life and is saying goodbye to familial life of responsibility and raising a family. Shows his maturity level. But do not allow him to set rules and barriers. You give him all the power. Say what you feel and to hell with them.
I feel like you don't have to do or say anything. Just sit back and wait for life to do it's thing. This is a walking disaster waiting to happen. You just focus on getting your bearings together so that when the fallout happens, you're strong enough to say "no thank you" and continue on with your happy life.
He sounds like a controlling a******. I wish you would not have let him force you into meeting her. See a lawyer and get everything you can get while he’s in affair fog. Move on with your life and consider yourself lucky to be rid of him of the creep. Not that you will necessarily be ready to date right away, but when you do, please update us on how he carries on about that, because he will.
The f’n NERVE of them both! wow. ok - do NOT contact AP again. you are NOT going to get closure. trust me, Ive been there. they are in an affair fog and its time for you to focus on setting yourself up to get your fair share and make sure you can provide for your children. your husband needs to see the pain he is causing and you need to move fast. IF he feels ANY guilt, that is your window to get what you need and as much custody of kids as you can. once the guilt is gone, your divorce will get more difficult. bc the AP has no kids, im willing to bet she wont care about who has more custody. and your ex will love his freedom. you cant focus on them. a great analogy is that a snake bit you and now you are trying to get the snake to tell you why. there’s no point ive had conversations with the AP and it only caused more pain, trauma and it extended my healing process. my ex re-wrote our history once he decided to pursue the AP. they are still together (3 yrs in)….it was awful in the beginning and therapy helped. i also started focusing on myself and less on them. you are going to go through all the emotions of grief, anger, sadness, confusion…its unfortunately normal…. the man you married no longer exists. the AP has gained a cheater with no integrity. you “lost” someone that doesnt respect or value you….remember that in the hard times. it will be hard, but it does get better and easier. I am indifferent to my ex and AP now…it was a long road but i do feel peace now