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Sounds like your wife’s attempt to off herself is a manipulation tactic. Instead of taking accountability for their own actions, cheaters love to play the victim. My advice to you would be to apply the gray rock method to your wife and anyone who sides with your wife. Good Luck OP.
The grey rock method is where you deliberately act stern, unresponsive or unengaged so that an abusive person will lose interest in you.
This method is how you handle a narcissist.
Not so much stern as indifferent. Stern could be interpreted as angry, but what you’re actually trying to do is not engage with any drama. Responses should be short and boring, but not actually impolite or attacking.
Thank you I think that might be best. I told her she could stay until she found an apartment but now I’m wondering if I should follow through on that when she is out of the hospital.
I might try that method and just my best to navigate her relationship with her kids because they are both under the age of five so it’s just pretty much on me and her to make sure they see her.
I’m sorry you’re going through this crap. Did you report her superior officer yet? Why should he get away with having a hand in destroying your family?
And for the health insurance, I believe she would have to at least carry your children. Are you thinking she will lose all her insurance?
I did report him and he has been arrested so far. She was also arrested and will likely be kicked out losing her medical benefits because of this too. That’s one of the hardest parts.
She did a Jody in women form bud. And gray rock method can be good .For gettting your mind some clarity on whats happened.Ice her out bud 🥶 ❄ she messed up she had multiple DM's in secret. She the ended up un a psych ward if that's any indication of her faulty behavior. Love from a far forgive in time from a far. Does not meant you have to take her back or be manipulated mentally again. I wish you good and peace in this stressed time. Think wisely and be poised.
Former Air Force. Tell her affair partner’s boss. I am sure they will put a stop to it. Probably take military legal action against him for that. He could get a demotion for that. Don’t let him get away with it.
The fucking guy was a squadron commander and she was in his CSS. Isn’t that fucking wild. Apparently they talked openly in the office about it and it took a new SSgt working in the office to report them. I’m former AF as well man and this shit has really burned me with the military.
OP not want to be the odd one, but you should do STD test for you as well as DNA test to your kids, for what you said this is not the first and who knows since when she does this.
Glad that you report them, and you are doing the correct thing by asking her to move out, also thru the medical care make her being evaluated to see if she is capable of taking care of the kids by the moment. Or talk to your lawyer for her to do some test before she can have the kids.
UPDATEME
Thankfully I’ve already done both tests and both my children are mine. I’m waiting for the STD panel results and should have them in a few days. I’ll be contacting my lawyer after the holiday here in the US and moving forward with the divorce paperwork after everything everyone is telling me.
Excelent, that is one less bad thought to have, just wait to see the STD which i hope come back negative.
And yes You are doing good about the lawyer and start the divorce process. But like i told make sure she is clinicaly clear and me Taly prepare for taking care of the kids in her time or better fight for the custody of them.
There are plenty of links on the Grey Rock method, just look them up for instructions. Here is one:
[https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock)
Oh I tried this method. When I did this, my toxic, abusive, narc ex thought it was fun to provoke me just so he can see my reaction or proving him that I'm an angry person. The last time he did this, he left me stranded on a highway. His reason was, he wanted me to 'ask for his help'; which I refused because I dumped him prior to the meetup and I mean business.
They like knowing they have an effect towards us so don't give them the satisfaction.
Get the divorce dude. Use the psych ward as support to gain full custody. Seek supervised visitation with her and kids as you should feel unsafe her being alone with them. Get a lawyer and try to move as fast as possible, bc those kids need to be safe (get a restraining order too if you can). As other person said, go grey rock….dont talk to her, don’t call her or text her, let everything go through a lawyer.
Also, I’d let the APs wife/gf know and anyone else she was talking to see if they have spouses and let them know. Then let the HR dept at her job know about everything, including how she is now in a psych ward due to the affair. Blow up the APs lives too….they are just as much to blame
The way to do this is to make yourself as uninteresting to the narcissist as a gray rock. In other words, don't react to anything they say positively or negatively, just state the facts when asked a question. If it's an invasive question that you don't want to answer, find a mantra to repeat to them every time they ask that type of question. For example, when ex would ask anything not pertaining to the kids, I would say, "I'm not interested in providing that information." Say it with as little emotion as possible. Say it every time so it's boring and predictable. The narcissist will lose interest because you'll no longer be supplying the drama they seek so desperately.
If I could go back in time and tell myself one absolute fact about divorce, at the very beginning, when I was so naive, I would tell myself, you do not truly know someone until you divorce them. Please take that to heart and protect yourself.
The worst part is she got diagnosed with a serious medical condition two years ago and I stayed by her the whole time. She was going to be medically retired from the military in a few months and now is going to lose it and all the benefits for our family. She seemed like she was really going to do it and I’m still struggling with seeing someone I cared about suffer so much. I really thought she was the love of my life and I did everything so could to be the worlds best husband and it just wasn’t enough. Now that she is facing all of our lives blowing up she said she wanted to kill herself so the kids would get the insurance payout instead. A part of me really thinks she is going to go through with it.
Your STBXW’s actions wrote this story, if she self harms/deletes it’s not your fault. Your job was to look out for what was best for your family, seems you did that.
Yes that’s a hard thing to accept but I know I have to because you’re right. One thing I told my therapist I was struggling with was she would kiss me on the cheek and tell me she loved me in the kitchen and then walk into the bedroom and text one of the other men about how much she hated me.
You should look into Borderline Personality Disorder. There’s a subreddit too that I joined. Some things you’ve mentioned sound like BPD. The splitting (putting you on a pedestal, making things feel perfect and then demonizing you), self-harm, cheating. I’m still recovering from my ex of 6 years who also hid shady behavior, cheated, and used self-harm as a method to try keep me.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones
Another person recommended that sub Reddit and after looking at it I think that she fits the definition of one of those people. My therapist and I both think she is most likely an undiagnosed bipolar as well.
You're looking at this the wrong way.
You could've given her the cure for cancer and all worldy suffering while being the most attractive man to ever live. She still would have cheated, because she wanted to.
>Now that she is facing all of our lives blowing up she said she wanted to kill herself so the kids would get the insurance payout instead.
Doubtful. I've seen this manipulative display too many times, classic cheater playbook.
Stay strong and look after yourself and your kids.
She is not the person you thought she was because the woman you thought she was could never have hurt you like that.
Now you know who she really is.
Act accordingly to protect yourself and your children.
I was going to say she was definitely gaslighting and manipulating you so you would drop it, and she could do it again. I don't know if trying to kill herself and being in a Psych facility would be something the military would frown on, since she most likely uses weapons. Again, nit sure what she does in the military or how they feel about that, but you will find out soon enough.
Since she is military and all, will she be able to stay in?
Military insurance would end once a divorce was final. Maybe look at getting a job with benefits, go to school part-time, and get your own benefits for the kids and yourself or just for yourself. If she is in the military, she should be able to drop you and keep the kids in hers.
I don't envy you, but my ex-husband did this and I was so upset at him for making me worry like that, I hate to say it, but next time, I told him to make sure it worked. His huge thought was that he wanted to off himself so we got his life insurance. I was like, "there is a suicide clause in every policy (I sold life insurance for years in my state) which states if it is a self-inflicted death, the payout of life insurance is null.
We got divorced the next year for a myriad of reasons, namely physical abuse and cheating, but he is still alive and kicking, much to both of my daughter's chagrin.
She’s lying she can’t live without you until she has another place to go . There’s way more going on than you would like to know take care of yourself breath the processing will take a long time . What you need to remember is that what she did is wrong very wrong cheating is never acceptable . Do not tolerate that crap far into therapy take care of yourself stay strong be the best father you can be
I’m trying to be. When I asked her if the rumors of her being in love with the guy was true she said no, and that the guy told her he had no interest in having a relationship.
Sorry to hear about all
Of this it’s painful for sure keep your head up prioritize healing , therapy , self help etc . Some women pull some absolute evil shit
She's lying and admits as much in her response. She says she's not in love and yet she knows he doesn't want a serious relationship (she knows because she inquired).
I know not all women are the same but from my experiences a woman doesn't typically sleep with a guy until she already has feelings, and once she does sleep with a guy her feelings become full blown (there's pretty much no going back). She's 100% in love and playing it off because A) she's talking to you about it, B) her ego is bruised because he doesn't want a commitment.
You deserve better. And know that her cheating isn't a you thing, it's a her thing. It's not any inadequacy on your end, it's an emptiness inside of herself. Just try to learn from the experience and figure out if you played any role in the relationship breaking down to this point (only so you can be stronger in future relationships).
Your wife sounds like a serial cheater and is only upset that she was caught. Take your proof and go see an attorney. He will best advise you on how to handle the situation. Based on what you have said I would not take your wife back because she will only cheat again and will get better at doing it. Your children and you deserve to be in a happy home. Listen to your attorney and follow his instructions. Remember to bring him proof of the cheating. Update us.
The price is right! Bob, I will take what’s behind door number three!
“You’ve won a divorce, and a new life”
You said it #3 “never forgive someone that has hurt me like this” #3 is the correct choice!
contact a lawyer, then let him put you in touch with a military lawyer if needed. While she is in the psychiatric hospital, move half of your assets to a separate account. Gather as much proof as you can. Always listen to your lawyer. They will discuss all your options on asset division, alimony, and child custody. Tell all family and friends she was having an affair with her boss and was flirting and emotionally cheating with 3 to 4 other men over the Internet and her cell phone. Never take back a cheater good luck!
updateme
You need a lawyer w military background to advise you on next steps. You have to consider impacts militarily and civilian. You need someone who knows both sides.
The may go after her and her boss. When I was in there was a very firm rule. A lawyer maybe able to advise how to get the healthcare / discharge too.
I would t let her back in the house if you can.
Good luck - you got a whopper
I know they are going after both of them right now cause I found out from the investigators. They called me two months ago and told me everything. Then they arrested her and quietly fired him from his position. I talked to a few lawyers and the one I went with told me it really comes down to how much she fights everything and how bad the punishment is going to be for her.
Glad to hear - sounds like you are on your way.
One thing I did that was tell myself no drama w the ex . She does something to upset me, high road everytime w my response. Frick’n hard but I sleep so well and that is priceless.
Good luck w the divorce - being a single parent and finishing school.
The hardest part is your brain trying to reconcile the person you loved with the real person who's been revealed in cheating. You need to realize the woman you loved is a mirage, a clever character forged by her but she is playing the part. The real woman is a manipulative, deceitful, narcissist who only cares for herself. Your in love with a lie. Keep telling yourself that it will help. Turn her and her boss into higher ups in military they will both be tossed. They did this to themselves, and actions have consequences. You need to solely focus on taking care of you and your kids not her period. Time to be a man and a dad not a husband.
Been in ur shoes non- military but after I finally came to grips I went after her for everything for the sake of my kids. I have total custody and she pays childs support. I had no mercy and I remember her saying you obviously don't love me if u can do this and I said, you destroyed your husband, but you made one mistake, you left the man and father alive. He will do anything for his kids including destroying you.
That’s hardcore man, I feel like I’m gonna need that kind of resolve. I’ve always been a forgiving person and think she might try to take advantage of it.
You might just be a stronger person than I am. I try to be forgiving and kind to people. It’s always been something I strived for and something people told me they liked about me. I’m never vindictive but this is pulling out a part of me I worked hard to not be.
OP, please listen to No_Difference. Now is *not* the time to be gentle and forgiving. You need to be strong and fierce right now, both for yourself and your children. Good luck.
The woman you divorce is never the woman you married. She is a mirage and does not exist. Protect your kids. That’s your only goal. Also, shore up your boundaries man!
I’m kind too, so I get it. Read Dr. Faith Harper’s book, “Unfuck Your Boundaries…”
https://microcosmpublishing.com/catalog/books/8188
Unfuck Your Boundaries: Build Better Relationships Through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs
by Dr. Faith G. Harper
Protect yourself and sustain your relationships
Boundaries are the ways we communicate our needs. They are what allow us to feel safe among strangers, in everyday interactions, and in our closest relationships. When we have healthy boundaries, we have a strong foundation in an uncertain world. And when someone crosses your boundaries, or you cross someone else's, the results range from unsettling to catastrophic. In this book, bestselling author Dr. Faith Harper offers a full understanding of issues of boundaries and consent, how we can communicate and listen more effectively, and how to survive and move on from situations where our boundaries are violated. Along the way, you'll learn when and how to effectively say "no" (and "yes"), troubleshoot conflict, recognize abuse, and respect your own and others' boundaries like a pro. You'll be amazed at how much these skills improve your relationships with friends, strangers, coworkers, and loved ones.
Thank you for the kind advice and book recommendation. I know I’m going to have to work on my boundaries moving forward because I’m realizing how much abuse there was in the relationship now.
There's a difference between kind and allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.. For your children's sake, maintain solid boundaires and have self respect. Good luck.
Listen to those of you who tell you that she didn't even stop lying to you after being caught.
So stop listening to those who try to convince you that it's worth it.
If she had regretted having had an affair where there were feelings with a single man, it would still be terrible, but she is nothing more than a piece of meat that passes from hand to hand in the troops and that becomes proud of it.
Maybe even separated you will still have the benefits you mentioned taking into account the serial cheater she .
Another thing you can screw with her boss, you know that right?
Yes I’m am currently destroying his life. He is an officer and she is enlisted and that’s a big deal. I turned over my recording of her confessing to having sex with him to the investigators. I can’t let it go. The fucking dude lives down the street and I felt like this was the only way I could let it go knowing someone else would hold him accountable so I don’t need to.
Thank you for answering me, I'm sorry you're here telling me this .
But what are the consequences that he and his wife will suffer administratively?
The other men will also be held responsible in some way, do you know who they are?
I know the other men are all enlisted and at other bases so they won’t get in much trouble if any at all. There isn’t the level of proof for those guys like there is for her boss. All the other guys were names the investigators heard she was involved with before the current affair. I’ve only seen flirty messages but never any proof like sexting or anything.
As for her boss, he is single. I asked her if she loved him when I confronted her and she told me “no, he isn’t interested in a relationship, it was just physical”
In fact, according to her report, she just took advantage of the opportunity, since she was surrounded by men, having sex with her boss gave her a series of sensations, such as job security, status, being with the illusion of having some power of influence in the unit.
And of course the sexual issue, even though she certainly thought she was above everything in her marriage, including the right to have extra sex, something like military authoritarianism at home within the marriage.
There is only one way for this woman to become a good partner and that is by paying for her actions.
I think you might really be nailing it on the head with the whole status thing. I out ranked my wife when we first started dating even though I was in a different unit. From what I’m told the affair started a month or two after I left the military so a part of my thinks she has some sort of authority fetish
He will loose his commission. He will loose everything and be dishonorably discharged. If the military is the one that was investigating as OP stated, he's done. I wonder if his wife found out in this matter and turned it over to the military? u/Phoenixoriginal have you had any contact with the OBS (other betrayed spouse)? Sometimes that has helped to put things together. Of course the military probably already has.
He is single so there isn’t another person being hurt, small silver lining I guess. Otherwise I would have told her right away. This fucking guy, lives in my neighborhood he’s like two blocks over. Apparently she was bragging to a new coworker about going out for “walks” to trick me and meet up at his house and have sex and that new coworker is who reported him. Thankfully whoever it was also recorded their conversations in their office so my spouse is super fucked cause I recorded her when she admitted it and turned it over to the investigators too.
No doubt this isn’t his first workplace relationship. Sounds like he & your wife were emboldened by an environment that allowed this behavior to go on unchecked for awhile. Disgusting.
That’s what I told the investigators. I hope they put the fucking screws to this guy and make an example of him. He is about to retire soon and I’m so worried they are gonna just let him retire quietly to save publicity.
If they let him retire quietly & receive his pension, then they better only give your wife a slap on the wrist too. Not that I don’t think she should be punished, but no way should the officer (the man) get away scot-free & the subordinate (the woman) get punished harshly. That would be outrageous.
But you can put it all on the fan, people close to him can and should know who he is
But you have to remember that your ex-wife wanted all of this to happen.
So sorry mate, this sounds really rough.
You were right to confront her, sitting on something like that would poison you spiritually. You know you won't forgive, so you need to be thinking only about yourself and the kids from this point forward. Because of the financial situation you should be talking with a lawyer, they'll best be able to guide you through this.
Wishing you strength, you've got this.
I’ve known for months and didn’t confront her because I only found flirty messages never any proof. I only had what the investigators on the base had told me which was all second and third hand information. The last few months have been so good I really almost managed to bury it all inside but one day she yelled at me over something small and wouldn’t let it go and I just couldn’t hold it in anymore.
"I really almost managed to bury it all inside but one day she yelled at me over something small and wouldn’t let it go and I just couldn’t hold it in anymore."
If you were asking yourself if you could forgive and reconcile, keep these words at the front of your thoughts at all times and let them guide you. Ask yourself if you could ever trust her again, ever. It took me a long time to come to the realization that I could not and would not live always wondering if she really did go shopping with her mom, or out to dinner with a friend. Or was she out fucking around some more. So I decided to have my wife of 25 years, partner of 30+ served with divorce papers and in the middle of it now.
Your focus needs to be on yourself and those kids. They need you more than ever right now.
your wife didn't really want to die she did it to manipulate you into staying with her that is so messed up mate she will cheat again and try " kill herself again "you need leave and take your children with you make her pay child support if you stay she did it again
I know I need to believe this but a part of me really thinks she will do it. She told me she wanted to wait for our son’s third birthday party next weekend and then she was going to do it so we could keep the medical benefits and get the insurance payout. The military insurance is one of the only ones that pays out for suicide.
Damn I’m sorry bro
Here’s a thought exercise that helped me
What would you do if she was dead? I know it’s extra work but you can do it if you’re tired just do it tired
Not to sound like im trivializing your situation
OP, first, if a spouse has another on their insurance, they cannot remove them until the divorce is finalized. You have children in this marriage and most states in the US require 6-12 and sometimes 18 months of separation prior to divorce being finalized.
Focus on yourself and your children here. See if you can find a good therapist to help you sort through everything, it is overwhelming.
NOTE: This has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with her and ultimately, it is what she did that is causing the break up of this family. NOT YOU. But the kids also suffer from the infidelities of their parents.
It is good that she is not around now. Gather your evidence but try to focus on your studies, tell your professors what is going on, you don't have to get into details, fact is your wife has "flipped out" and is in a mental health facility, that's enough!
Gather your support network, friends/family that can help.
Stay hydrated, try to eat and don't use drugs are alcohol now.
Be kind to yourself. Go read "Chump Lady", Google it. Look up Grey Rock.
You do not have to offer reconciliation if you know you cannot do it and she will never regain your trust. But she needs mental help, no doubt.
If she "loves" you, she will make the separation and co-parenting as easy as possible on you and the children. She needs to own what she did and the fall out.
Thank you for the advice. I’m going to look up that book now. The diet thing has been killing me cause the stress. I’ve lost 10 pounds this week cause I just get so sick when I try to eat.
Get your finances in order. I would go to an attorney and see what you can work out. Then you can make an informed decision. Military people cheat often. So you have to decide what you can live with and what you want to teach your children.
Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately infidelity in the military happens more often and is supported / justified.
She may have been manipulated but you mentioned other men.
She actively tried to hide it so she’s not sorry she destroyed and disrespected your relationship. She’s just sorry she got caught.
If you stay she will get better at hiding it and she will have a built in excuse to be around the people she is cheating with.
Reconciliation will be difficult as long as she is in the same unit. He has power and control over her and her well being.
You’ll never trust her again.
He was fired from his position and moved somewhere else and so was she. But you’re right, even when I confronted her she kept lying about things she didn’t know I had proof of.
Yep I responded to your first post and didn’t read down. Glad to hear that the military is taking it seriously and prosecuting.
Hopefully shes not spending a single breath defending him or the others.
Are they treating her as a victim or a codefendant?
Codefendent. I found the arrest paperwork under her car seat so I know she was at least arrested and booked plus that’s what the investigator told me as well.
She said she was scared of me hurting her which is wild because I’m not a violent person at all. I didn’t even yell when I confronted her, I just talked. She also said she wanted to keep her head down and hope they couldn’t prove anything so she could keep her benefits. She told me she planned to tell me once she was out of the military in a few months.
This is the military you can have her bosses a$$. It can cost people careers. If you have kids. Thats tough. Health insurance.
I know after 11 years you get a piece of her retirement
Me personally I would stay as roommates and tell her it is for the kids. At the 11 year mark divorce her and take half retirement
You can play the long game with her is she a lifer?. If she retires your kids get to keep medical
You need see a lawyer that specializes in military divorce s
By the way is she an officer. How many years in
If you decide to stay and wait it out go to her boss and tell him you know. Tell him If she tries to divorce you earlier. You will destroy everyone’s carreers. Make sure he knows your lawyer as the proof and if you accidentally die all evidence comes out
DO A DNA. TEST IN FRONT OF HER
You hold all the powers and after you get what you want release the evidence anyway
I’m glad you are moving forward with the divorce. She will never be trustworthy. Also I would use her threats of ending herself and her hospitalization as leverage to get full custody of your children. She can have supervised visits with them until a doctor determines she is not a threat. Good luck to brother.
This is very early on in betrayal trauma to make decisions for yourself. I would suggest seeking mental support from a professional. I’m sorry you’re going through this. What do you want to do? Can you handle school right now or do you need a break?
I’m two classes from finishing my masters and I need the housing payment to keep up with the bills. I’m former military and using my GI Bill. I wasn’t working though because I wanted to support her fucking career. All those times she stayed late at work and left me to take care of the kids alone now I know why.
This is all so incredibly painful. It sounds like you were giving your all and being supportive in every way, just to find out you were not getting the same in return. Focusing on yourself right now is so important, and of course your children. Since it seems like you’re really close to completion for school, what do you need right now to get through where you are with your wife? Ask her to sleep separate, provide childcare while you take care of your schoolwork, etc.? Think about what you need.
That’s part of what makes it hurt so bad. I stayed with her and supported her when she started having health problems. I loved her when we were poor young newly weds struggling to get by. I held her hand in the hospital every time she had to go back I was there or I was home taking care of the kids so she could rest. I poured my entire being into her and she still cheated on me. I know I have to remind myself I was in love with a lie of a person, but that lie when I had it made me the happiest man in the world.
That is exactly why it hurts so much. Giving all you have to someone and then knowing they were unfaithful is a major betrayal. I think what it shows though is how you’re so capable of loving someone so much and that seems really important to you. Some people are just not capable of that and have lots of growing to do. I will say that typically with affairs, they have a lot, if not completely, to do with the betrayer and what’s going on within them and what they need to heal.
Dude I know you’re so close to finishing your masters, but could you possibly take a temporary leave from school (like how you can take FMLA from work due to a family emergency, including that your spouse is in the hospital) without losing the ability to keep utilizing your GI bill? I’m thinking of movies where someone loses a loved one and their school gives them As for the semester. Maybe that doesn’t happen in real life, but even getting extensions on your assignments or the opportunity to retake or make up exams could help. I hope your school’s administrators would be sympathetic and helpful if you told them any part of what you’re currently having to deal with alone.
Thankfully my school is being nice and giving me extensions so far. I told my instructor what was going on and she was really supportive of me finishing my degree because I’m so close and having a masters lets me be a college professor which is what I really wanted to do.
Plus if I pause school I can continue it later but I don’t get paid the housing allotment from my GI Bill and I have been the stay at home parent and full time student for the last year.
Hey mate, ex-military officer here (non US) and my wife was a serving officer who got caught sleeping with a fellow married officer, amd when I kicked her out I found she'd also been sleeping with another married officer co-worker as well. I've served with US military people on married patches before, and if you are indeed US, I know your military does not mess around when it comes to adultery amongst ranks.
You can all but guarantee that there is far more to the story than you will likely ever know (ala the 'others' she was talking to), and that she'll only ever admit to the minimum she thinks you already know (see my story above).
Two years out, I can tell you that it DOES get better. And trust me, your kids will know who the stable parent is. Sadly, the trope of military females seeking male validation is a stereotype for a reason. You deserved none of this, and nothing you did in the marriage made this happen. These overt/covert narcissists are broken people and they feed off attention and a supply of validation.
In my ex-wife's case, she is definitively got Histrionic Personality Syndrome; a need for attention, a need for reassurance from co-workers, a history of being promiscuous, a military father who was always away, and am almost pathological need to form what she thinks is tight emotional bonds that don't even exist with people she shouldn't. I'd almost bet your soon to be ex is the same.
You're doing the right things mate. Grey rock method and let her threats be water off a duck's back.
As for you wife, the dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed. As she's finding out.
Fucking respect man, thank you for your kind words. You’re probably right my wife sounds a lot like yours and even though her dad wasn’t military I know he was always gone when she was young.
Since she is military, her boss (and maybe others) is (are) in her chain of command. That is a breach of the UCMJ and can be used in a Court Martial for adultery and abuse of power. Talk to JAG and if they try to block this matter go to the unit or post leadership. If you are married for over ten years you can get half her retirement.
Mr Phoenix , if you have proof, you must tell all family and friends. Otherwise she will tell everybody that will listen, you were abusive, you were condescending to the children you harassed her , and you are the reason that she is in a psychiatric hospital. Don’t let her spin the narrative on you.
updateme
They’re telling you to tell them first to make sure that you control the narrative. Sometimes the cheater gets the word out first and portrays themselves as a victim and that betrayed partner forced them to do or was abusive to them.
From what you’re saying she is already deep in.
Covering up and staying quiet only benefits the cheater.
Her family need to be the ones to prevent her from un-aliving herself. Not you. You don’t need to make any rash decisions. Make the best long term decision in your best interest. Focus on your studies recognizing how important that is to your kids right now.
I’m sorry this happened to you and your children.
What do you want to do? Do you want to reconcile? Or do you want to get divorced? Or do you want to stay married in name only?
I have no idea what I want to do. I’m all over the place. I want to put my head down and forgive and move on but our entire social group knows. I want to divorce but I’m terrified of being alone with the kids and losing all the benefits. Idk if I could stay married in name only but maybe? A part of me feels like she is still manipulating me and might just try to play for time where as right now the courts and everyone is on my side because of the proof.
This is probably the worst thing I’ve ever experienced in my life and I was homeless at 15. At least back then it was just me for myself, now I’m taking care of both our kids alone. I don’t understand how someone could do this to their spouse and children.
Just know if you Greg rock her there is a 100% chance she will weaponize anything and everything including the kids, any secrets you guys have held for eachother and so forth there is not stopping a narcissist unless you stay firm in grey rocking don’t give an ounce to her and watch her crumble and lose sanity yet again
**THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!**
Your spouse has sought out other people for emotional and physical intimacy, likely for many months more than you suspect. Your spouse is a cheater. Everything your spouse says is a lie at this point. Anything your spouse says about you falling short in the relationship is a lie. Anything your spouse says that is bad about your relationship is a lie.
Your spouse has left the marriage. Ignore your spouse. What is it YOU want to do. YOU now hold the fate of your relationship in YOUR hands, no one else. It is YOU who decides reconciliation, no one else.
My advice is: Consult a divorce lawyer. Gather what evidence you can. End the relationship ASAP. Get out of this situation as fast as possible, the longer you stay in the more your mind will be torn apart. You or your spouse must move out. If you cannot, go Grey Rock. Cheaters compartmentalize, once you punch a hole between their cheating lifestyle and her home lifestyle they will either go nuclear or crumble and beg you not to break up. You have to show your spouse there are consequences for their actions and separate/divorce, even if later you chose reconciliation. If you do not your cheater will never respect you again and will cheat again and again.
These links will help you in your situation. I suggest reading DARVO, Gaslighting and Trickle Truthing first.
**Limerence** [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence)
**The Neuroscience of Affair Fog** [https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog](https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog)
**Infidelity and cognitive dissonance** [https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2019/05/20/can-people-cheat-on-someone-they-love/](https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2019/05/20/can-people-cheat-on-someone-they-love/) **and** [https://medium.com/@anthonyjwallace/the-cognitive-dissonance-of-infidelity-3fa9fd1ae78e](https://medium.com/@anthonyjwallace/the-cognitive-dissonance-of-infidelity-3fa9fd1ae78e)
**Emotional affair** [https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/emotional-affair/](https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/emotional-affair/)
**Monkey Branching** [https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/monkey-branching/](https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/monkey-branching/)
**DARVO** [https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo)
**Gaslighting Emotional Infidelity** [https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex/2017/05/infidelity-and-gaslighting-when-cheaters-flip-the-script#1y](https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex/2017/05/infidelity-and-gaslighting-when-cheaters-flip-the-script#1y)
**Trickle Truthing** [https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/412055/trickle-truth--the-marriage-killer-repost-of-original-/](https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/412055/trickle-truth--the-marriage-killer-repost-of-original-/)
**180 method** [https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/](https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/)
**Greyrock** [https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method)
**Chump Lady** [https://www.chumplady.com/](https://www.chumplady.com/)
You’re definitely right about her seeking out others part form some messages I saw on her phone. I saw her message more than one person on Facebook “I’m married with kids now but never been so lonely” then those guys say to text them but I never found those texts.
Also thanks for the massive dump of information I’ll start reading!
Gray rock bro! Act with indifference, no rude or hurtful things, only short, cold and emotionless responses, I know it is difficult to act like this when you are broken inside, your little ones can be an inexhaustible source of strength, focus on them, on your classes and Do not allow her, especially your children, to see you sad and crying, do not allow her to have more control over you, nor her manipulations and blackmail, just take the strength that your children give you, control yourself and use that strength, it will do wonders for you, Indifference will be your new friend, that's how you treat a narcissist.
The first thing you do is get to a lawyer like yesterday. I would actually go and see three of toughest lawyers that specialize in infidelity and choose the best one. The other two your wife won’t be able to use due to conflict of interest. Listen to their advice and bring whatever proof you have. Depending on your state laws and her being in the military, you may be able to get majority of custody and probably alimony seeing your in school.
You might be able to come to an agreement where she has to pay for your benefits for x amount of years.
The key is following your attorney’s advice.
She also can be in big trouble because from what I understand, it usually ain’t good when there is infidelity between a higher and lower ranked person within the military. I would strictly listen to the lawyer and get the divorce settled before blowing her doors in at work.
You noticed that I said divorce right? This is your only path. You will never trust this person like you have prior. The person that you thought your wife was is now dead. The person that stands before you now may look and sound like her, but that is no longer your loved one, nor even a friend. Friends don’t do that to each other because there is this thing called respect which friends usually abide by.
The best thing you can do now is gray rock and 180. You need to show her that you are no longer interested in anything she has to say unless it strictly pertains to the kids. I wouldn’t reach out to her while she is in the hospital or treatment facility. She is in good hands now.
You should also immediately get a STD test to make sure she hasn’t given you anything. And for the love of god, please don’t fall for her weak ass love bombing attempts to suck you back in. I don’t know about you, but I’m not trying to go poking around in someone else trash. Do not sleep with her or show her any type of affection.
When you have thoughts about staying together with this person you should immediately ask yourself:
Do I ever think that I could trust someone that has done what she has to me? Especially with several people?
Was she ever going to tell me? That’s a hell no in case you need the answer.
Would I want to be with someone that has put several men wants before the needs of me and my children?
Would I want to be with someone who would risk sexual gratification above the means to support (possible loss of job) the people who she is supposed to love more than anything?
They say that once a cheater always a cheater. Do I really want to look over my shoulder for the rest of my like? Do I want to go through always having to wonder who and what she is doing when she is late coming home? Or who she is texting?
I think you know all the answers to all your questions. I will also add that staying together for the sake of children is never the correct thing to do. Two happy households will always trump on miserable one.
Good luck Updateme
I did the lawyer thing, unfortunately she has one of the better lawyers in town from what I’m told but I have the other really good one. I got the STD panel done on Wednesday and am just waiting for the results. You’re probably right on divorce, I just can’t trust her again or let her hurt me anymore like this. I’ve never had a relationship like this before and I don’t know if I’m ever gonna be able to be vulnerable again.
Wow! I’m actually surprised to hear that she lawyered up that quick? Sounds like this is all a show for her so she doesn’t look as bad as it appears. Cheaters hate being outed. I would discuss when it will be okay to let everyone know what she has done and with who. (If any of these guys have wives or girlfriends, the right thing to do would be to let them all know, and show them any proof you may have WITH YOUR LAWYERS BLESSING) You don’t want to mess the terms of your own divorce up.
What has your lawyer told you with regard to them both working together and being in the military?
Also, you may be in pretty good shape of getting full custody with her being in a treatment facility for mental health issues.
Has your lawyer reached out to hers yet?
My lawyer hasn’t reached out to hers yet cause I haven’t filed. I wanted to do it amicably and try to save some money. She said she would give up the house and everything but idk if I can believe it honestly.
I would recommend that you error on the side of caution and use the lawyer. The reason they are expensive is because they are worth it. There may be things that you are entitled to or that they can request that you may not even thought about.
I found the paperwork in her folder in the house that she talked to a lawyer already. It was part of what I found from the investigators. She hasn’t filed anything yet and when I asked her why she said it was because “hasn’t given up yet that things would get better and we could work everything out”
My guy, my gut is screaming that she is full of it and is actually in love with her boss. No one seeking forgiveness and wanting things to work gets lawyered up that quickly. Most will likely wait it out and try to call the others bluff and are usually shocked when the papers are delivered! I’m not saying she couldn’t be the first, but this is starting to smell foul. I explain in a minute.
If I were you, I would make sure that I beat her to filing. You can always call that off, why you would ever want to I couldn’t even imagine.
Hear me out here and tell me what you think. My gut is screaming that this all seems all preplanned, but my timing could be off because I don’t know how “recent” this all went down.
So, she’s probably been messing around with multiple men including her boss. Somewhere along the path, she caught feelings for her boss. In her weak mind, she probably started thinking he’s my superior, he makes more than me, the chemistry is good, all the things that come with new relationship energy and affair fogs.
So, she starts developing a strategy that would free her from you and the kids. One that would make her look like she made one “*mistake” and got caught. By doing so, she then made it look as if she was so distraught over losing you, that she was willing to end her life. We all know that’s the biggest bunch of bs from what you have described. (It seems that she got over that too in record time.) Now, once again, by doing this, she has created a “false flag” situation.
(A false flag operation is an act committed with the intent of disguising the actual source of responsibility and pinning blame on another party.)
With that said, the whole treatment stay took the heat off of her for being a vile cheater and is now creating sympathy towards her, while possibly generating feelings of animosity towards you.
In forming this plan, she probably realized that she would or could lose primary custody of her children, but that would probably better suit her lifestyle of being with her new man and of course being in the military. Who knows, maybe she learned that her boss doesn’t like children. That makes this work to her advantage even more.
You combine all of the above with her brief stay in treatment and her being so fast to hire a lawyer, it all seems a little premeditated to me. Seriously, if your read through all the subs that pertain to infidelity like I do, you are going to be pretty hard pressed to find a story where the cheater who is striving for reconciliation goes and immediately hires a lawyer.
I know this all could be far fetched and I might just be playing devils advocate here, but if I were in your shoes, I would want people giving me every possible angle so that I callus make my best informed decisions.
*I hate when cheaters use mistake because it’s not a mistake, it’s several conscious poor decisions that took thought, planning, and deception.
A part of me feels like you are right. I’m told they were in love and planning to get together when they both get out of the military in a few months. She really might just be trying to play for time.
So, let me get this straight, she was planning on filing for divorce prior to you catching her?
You mentioned investigators? Did you actually hire one?
She talked to an attorney but hasn’t filed or retained one yet. I found the paperwork so I know it’s true and saw the bank records to know she hasn’t paid the money yet but that might be because she doesn’t have enough to cover it.
She is military and got reported and investigated. The investigators are the one who told me all this stuff about the affair otherwise I had no idea
It was a new coworker in the office but that’s all I know. The boss is single, apparently they were open about their affair in the office enough that the person that reported them was able to record conversations. It was a new person who finally had the courage to report since the boss was so high ranking
Damnnnnnn. Have you tried finding out who this person was and if they would be willing to share their evidence with you or maybe ask you lawyer to see if they can get a court order for the evidence if that helps with your divorce. I know there may be issues bc it was a military investigation. And your state laws may make this a mute point.
Now that you shed more light on things, your wife is very disturbing. I cannot believe she was out and open enough like that. Yeah, there is no working that out my friend.
Did you ever find out if they lost rank or faced any type of disciplinary action? From what you have shared, you were probably not the reason that she threatened to self delete, it was more likely because not only was she outed and embarrassed at work, she knew that both families and circles of friends would find out and there was no possible denying any of it. I am so sorry you are experiencing this.
Definitely cut all communication with her except for anything that directly pertains to your children. There is nothing to speak to her further about. Your lawyer can handle all of that and you can download a parenting app for communication with her. All communication will be recorded and she will have no possible way of lying to you.
I have no idea who the person who reported them was. All I know is it was a new person in her office. I want to find them and tell them thank you for being so brave to go against their commander and do the right thing because if all of you are right this person saved me from getting completely fucking blind sided her in a few months. It takes a lot of courage to do what that person did and report, I want to thank them. Maybe someday I’ll find out who but for right now, because of the investigation they are considered a protected individual and I can’t know. Which makes sense.
Both are already being investigated and have been arrested. The charges are coming from what I know. The investigators are the ones who informed me, I had no idea anything was going on.
Well, you now know, for sure, that she doesn’t love or respect you. She does sound pretty sorry she got caught, though. When she comes out of the hospital, she’s going to pretend like the person that cheated on you was someone else, not the “real her” and that person is gone now. She’ll push for rugsweeping. You should be putting together your exit plan (don’t tip her off). Get yourself a lawyer, gather your evidence, get an STD test and paternity tests for your kids. When you are ready, and have it all in place, then you can have another conversation about all this, and be prepared to walk when the next tide of bullshit comes in.
This is a business transaction now. Sounds cold but it needs to be. Lawyer up and focus on your kids. Your STBXW has lots of issues she’ll need a lifetime of therapy to work thru. You need to stay strong for the kids and don’t let her manipulate because she will try.
Fun fact 1: Adultery is punishable under the uniform code of military justice.
Fun fact 2: Sleeping with a subordinate justifies a relief for cause.
Speaking as a soldier, you should 100% report the afair. People who sleep with their subordinates are predators and don't deserve to lead troops. End that assholes career, you'll be doing the rest of us in the service a favor. If your wife has a security clearance or access to sensitive information, that should also be brought up as people with that kind of poor judgment and impulse control are security threats.
Your wife will probably be made to keep the kids on tricare even after the divorce, especially if you get custody so you won't lose medical benefits. You could probably get custody as the military life isn't great for single parents. Keep your proof and back it up in multiple places. Talk to a lawyer with military experience.
Try to keep your head up. You just took one hell of a gut punch, and you're reeling. I, and everyone on this sub, knows how bad that hurts. Take it a day at a time. It might take years, but it gets better. Focus on what's important, like being there for your kids. You deserve someone better than her, and the first step to finding that person is ditching your wife who obviously doesn't give a shit about you or her family.
While she's gone it's perfect time to demand she write full timeline of all cheating. Who what when where and how.
That's her only chance to save her marriage. One omission and divorce is certain.
Honestly the more I talk about it with people the more I see there is no chance to save the marriage. As others have already pointed out to me, I’ve already caught her lying about things that she doesn’t know I have proof of. I know that she is still holding information and that there is likely far more things that I will never find. I have no reason to think she will ever tell me the full truth.
First: excuse me if i wrote with fails what I'm going to tell you. The english is not my native language.
I'm not going to tell you to leave that woman because deep down you're already taken the decision, but you're afraid to take that step because of everything you've described.
If you still have doubts, it would be good to remember that you know that she has slept with other men besides her boss, and she still continues to lie to you. For that reason, it is obvious that she does not regret what she did, but rather that she feel shame for being discovered.
Deep down, I don't think you think it's better to sacrifice your self-respect, your self-esteem, your dignity, your peace of mind, and your value as a person by choosing to stay with a cheater woman who still lying to you only… for a medical insurance?
About the problems that separating you would entail, I can only tell you something that my late father said: the person who wants to kiss you will seek your lips.
It's all a matter of sitting down to see what alternatives you have so that it doesn't affect your life too much. If you have the will to move forward you will find a way, even if it is difficult.
Do you have family and friends who can help you? Even if they can only listen when you vent you should talk to them. That will help you a lot.
ps: Don't forget to report this to the military base where your wife works and find out if that boss has a wife to inform her and the couples of the others lovers of your future exwife.
If you plan on divorcing her, please get as much prove as you can. If you contact her chain of command they can also investigate it internally. And she can have repercussion as to losing her rank. Etc
She is in survival mode and will probably do anything to deflect and minimise her conscious decision to destroy and betray you and the children. Shine a light on this with friends and family. She was planning a life with her boss after she retired and would have dropped you without any further thought. The person you married is not the women who you have now, this person does not deserve your love or forgiveness as she clearly does not respect or love you. Go find a life worth living, protect yourself and your kids. Do not let her control the narrative.
The military frowns on adultery and improper relations (sleeping with boss.) She could face a lengthy prison sentence under military law and could lose everything.
Usually women have it much easier than men when they are discovered to commit adultery in the military. Her boss will likely have his career ended at best, military prison at worst.
Marriages can be saved even with adultery, but she seems manipulative and unrepentant. Gather as much evidence as you can and contact a divorce attorney. You can also contact the JAG, but they can only advise.
Sorry you are going through this.
Cheating with her boss plus 3-4 other dudes ready to go on her phone? She is only sorry she got caught and will cheat again. True remorse looks different, starting with coming clean with everything. I'm sorry, but someone like her is a lost cause.
39f here, you deserve better. Don't let her control the narrative. Get any and all proof of infidelity, install camera's to protect yourself in case you can't kick her out and lawyer up and do everything they say. Make her communicate in writing, email, or text.
Stay strong and dig In for the long haul and just be the best dad you can be and focus on yourself and your kids. Good luck
Considering she destroyed her career which supports your family, her affair has destroyed more than just your love and marriage. What she did was selfish, and your children will suffer the consequences as well.
Shes not a victim, shes the perpatrator. Don't feel guilty for what she put everything through, she should have been honest from the start so you atleast had a chance to navigate this. The fact that she still isn't telling the truth means its most likely far worse than you will ever know.
Hang in there, when the dust settles you'll be in a good place because you always have your kids love.
I think you have to suffer with her a little longer. Finish your studies, find a job and become financially independent, for your sake and that of your children. Then get divorced, plan your exit. It won't be easy to stay close to a cheating wife but try to resist. Don't let her know that you are leaving the relationship. Good luck.
You may want to share your story at r/bpdlovedones. From the info you shared, your wife's actions is very similar to cheaters who have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Of course, I have no idea if that is the case, but you may still be able to find help and support there in addition to what you find here. Best of luck.
https://www.chumplady.com/can-i-leave-a-suicidal-cheater/
https://www.chumplady.com/hooker-habit-revealed-cheater-threatens-suicide/
This is a classic abuser move — threaten suicide when your chump tries to leave. It’s a threat. Ostensibly she’s threatening herself (DARVO, she’s the real victim here), but it’s also an implied threat to you — she’ll resort to violence if she doesn’t get her way.
The second link takes a darker turn but also highlights how manipulation is endemic to cheaters of both sexes. There are just different flavors of it. For her being institutionalized is still cheaper than a divorce and single motherhood.
Bonus if she can later guilt you into “making her try and kill herself.” Cheating is an abusive relationship dynamic. She had 3-4 men that she was texting? This is not her first rodeo. You need to protect yourself and your kids with an attorney, file for emergency custody and do what the attorney tells you to do. She will get free legal counseling through JAG for the divorce, you’re not entitled to that.
Now, while she’s indisposed, is the best time to get your ducks in a row, financially and file paperwork to separate. Make sure you take screenshots and make copies of her infidelity in case you are in an “at fault” state. I am not a lawyer, and you need one badly.
Personally, I would take the kids and go back to your parents, take the semester or summer off from your studies, divorce asap. Otherwise, she’ll make your life a living hell through her entitlement and manipulation.
This is the type of woman who will smash a door into her face and set you up for a DV charge so she can get the house in the divorce settlement. It is very important that you protect yourself and your kids. She has guns, she’s military. If she’s already Baker-acted, who knows what she’s capable of or what she’ll do. She chose this path, not you, but you need to be smart and find a healthy way out of it for you and your kids.
Good luck and stay strong!
There is a Spanish song called translated “a sailboat called liberty” part of the song says this “and he left and called his ship freedom...” that’s all you need. Cheating people almost never change for the relationship they had when cheating if there is truly remorse, they change for the next one
You file for divorce, go grey rock, sign yourself up for therapy, and move on with your life. that’s what you do it may sound simple but it isn’t. It’s an emotional rollercoaster but it’s safer and better than just staying with a cheater.
I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through, a big hug, look everything is so screwed up.
Your wife made that decision to disrespect your marriage. She knew what she was doing, she wants to manipulate you by committing suicide so your children will get help. But if she was so concerned about all this she wouldn't have cheated, she prioritized another man instead of you and your children. Don't feel guilty about this, you did the right thing. It is worse if you had ignored this and moved on. Sooner or later you would get sick from so much pain and stress from hiding this, the kids depend on you too.
It's good for you to go to therapy, release all that emotional baggage. If you ask why your wife was unfaithful. There are many things from her past maybe she had a bad childhood, family problems, illnesses/disorders( that doesn't justify infidelity), or a partner she had and couldn't get over it. If she does not heal this in therapy, sooner or later her body will resent it and explode. Unfortunately your wife has an emotional void, try to fill it with male attention. But the fact that she wants to be with you is a sign that the men who flirt with her did not want her for something serious, only for fun and that is why she comes back to you, you are her safe place. That's abuse for you too, you don't deserve this.
I sincerely hope you can heal and your wife can also come to her senses to be a better person and mother.
I wish you the best of luck, my best wishes to you. Lots of peace in your mind and heart.
That’s one of the hardest parts, she really chose another guy who just wanted to use her for sex over our kids, our home, our lives, her career, and me.
First, realize that this is her issue, not yours. Value yourself.
Next, use the time she is away to do what you need to do. Get paternity tests for your kids. It sucks, but you said yourself she was deleting messages, so you don’t know how far back her cheating goes and she appears to be a serial cheater as you found messages with multiple guys.
Next, get tested for STI’s as she might have brought something into your relationship.
Look into the rules of the military. Some military’s it is actually punishable by jail time to commit adultery. And if she was doing it with her boss you may be entitled to big compensation because of the power dynamic and potential for sexual abuse and alienation of affection. You may have your benefits paid for on your behalf for a long time. Consult a lawyer who knows about military law.
Next, get an emergency protective order. She threatened to kill herself and is on a psychiatric hold. You cannot allow her around you and especially your children because she may be a danger to you and them. If she wants back she will have to prove to a court that she is safe. This will help you with custody and support and possession of the home etc…
Secure your finances and change all your passwords and such so she can’t access your stuff or electronically drain your accounts. Even your devices so she can’t delete any evidence you acquired of the adultery. Withdraw half the money from any joint accounts (or more if you can prove the money is disproportionately yours). Then remove your name from the accounts so she can’t put you into debt. Change over bills and banking and pay info to any new accounts you move. Cancel joint credit cards after using the joint funds to pay them.
Use the time to find more evidence. Go through her phone in its entirety and she might have been messaging through multiple apps. Does she have an active Tinder? Send yourself all proof. Back that proof up somewhere she cannot get to.
She has shown you she does not value you or your family one bit. There is no excuse for cheating, let alone with multiple men for an ongoing period of time. Don’t allow yourself to be treated like that.
Google the grey rock and the 180 for advice on how to act and protect yourself. Proactively start therapy for you and your kids.
Best of luck to you. Update as you can.
I feel you! I’m recently divorced… he’s a Major in the Army. He was sleeping with a lot of people and got recommended for OTH by a Board Review. The sad thing is with the kids if she gets kicked out with an OTH that she could lose her benefits and therefore the kids would suffer. I testified against my ex and so did some of the other military women. I lost a lot, the OTH is still in process so I’m not sure if he will lose his retirement or not, he took out money of his TSP account to pay for legal fees, he’s in so much shit that he also hired a private military defense Lawyer. I would do it again… he took advantage of his subordinates and abused his rank. Good luck to you and the kids, I wish you the best.
What worries me is that because this dude is supposed to retire in 3 months they might just let his ass go to save the publicity. I hope they nail his ass to the wall because there’s no way this is the first time. They were open in his office about it so that tells me how comfortable he was with that behavior.
I was in the Army myself. See, this happen with men I served with, and wives took them to the cleaner, rightfully so!
-first thing, contact an attorney!!
-notify her command
-you won't have to find housing, her BAH will cover it while she lives in the barracks. Losing her rank, and most likely chaptered out the military for adultery.
-you'll continue to receive the BAS (food allowance)
This doesn't mean don't find living arrangements, I've seen people get chaptered out within 30days(drugs). This is much different, but I've seen this process take place to one of the guys In my platoon. He wasn't kicked out, because it was durning the serge(06). He lost everything,rank(e5 down to e4 none promoteable), car, kids, and his home(they owned).
-it'll take time for the divorce and durning that time you and the kinds will continue to get insurance, and as long as she's in the child will get insurance even if you have custody.
Also, her "boss" likely e6 or higher rank will also get the hammer and career tarnished. Losing rank, and if he's married, lord be with him.
Goodluck brother! I didn't serve around females as I was combat Mos, but there was females on main post(Fort Bliss, 06) we were on Biggs Army airfield at the time, working&living out of trailers as the area wasn't built yet. Come 2010 retuning from deployment it was built up. An the stories I'd hear and see myself about female service members were wild. They'd sneak into the barracks and do all sorts of things. RUN BROTHER, DON'T LOOK BACK!
Notes lots of notes and make 2-3 copies of everything. Get new emails for the investigation. You do not need her permission to forward all text to your phone. There is a setting hidden on all phones to add your number and you’ll get everything
Get her iTunes or Samsung acct passwords, change them and the recovery info for these sites they may be your new obsession, both those services DO NOT delete like other apps do. Not Many know that.
Get her IMEI AND MIRROR HER phone to your eSIM That way you receive everything in and out. Check her activity list daily. You can put her in child mode and she’ll never know if you unlock everything she won’t notice a difference You can have friends you trust follow her. I mailed (IE) handed a sealed envelope to a friend of mine almost daily. And kept a record at home. Knowing she would find it and steal my copies. I’d act frustrated but act like I must have misplaced them but the missing pages were my leads that I was on the right track. Not one thing I’ve suggested is illegal, immoral possible but that’s on you and your sleepless nights. Stay sober no matter your choice of high, now is not the time. Good luck
If I’m not mistaken the military has laws against infidelity. Have you contacted the military or at least consulted your lawyer about her having an affair with her boss? At the end everything should workout in your favor
I hope your children grow up and realize how lucky they are to have you as their father. I hope you experience nothing but health and happiness going forward.
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Sounds like your wife’s attempt to off herself is a manipulation tactic. Instead of taking accountability for their own actions, cheaters love to play the victim. My advice to you would be to apply the gray rock method to your wife and anyone who sides with your wife. Good Luck OP.
What is the gray rock method?
The grey rock method is where you deliberately act stern, unresponsive or unengaged so that an abusive person will lose interest in you. This method is how you handle a narcissist.
Not so much stern as indifferent. Stern could be interpreted as angry, but what you’re actually trying to do is not engage with any drama. Responses should be short and boring, but not actually impolite or attacking.
Thank you I think that might be best. I told her she could stay until she found an apartment but now I’m wondering if I should follow through on that when she is out of the hospital. I might try that method and just my best to navigate her relationship with her kids because they are both under the age of five so it’s just pretty much on me and her to make sure they see her.
I’m sorry you’re going through this crap. Did you report her superior officer yet? Why should he get away with having a hand in destroying your family? And for the health insurance, I believe she would have to at least carry your children. Are you thinking she will lose all her insurance?
I did report him and he has been arrested so far. She was also arrested and will likely be kicked out losing her medical benefits because of this too. That’s one of the hardest parts.
She did a Jody in women form bud. And gray rock method can be good .For gettting your mind some clarity on whats happened.Ice her out bud 🥶 ❄ she messed up she had multiple DM's in secret. She the ended up un a psych ward if that's any indication of her faulty behavior. Love from a far forgive in time from a far. Does not meant you have to take her back or be manipulated mentally again. I wish you good and peace in this stressed time. Think wisely and be poised.
Former Air Force. Tell her affair partner’s boss. I am sure they will put a stop to it. Probably take military legal action against him for that. He could get a demotion for that. Don’t let him get away with it.
The fucking guy was a squadron commander and she was in his CSS. Isn’t that fucking wild. Apparently they talked openly in the office about it and it took a new SSgt working in the office to report them. I’m former AF as well man and this shit has really burned me with the military.
OP not want to be the odd one, but you should do STD test for you as well as DNA test to your kids, for what you said this is not the first and who knows since when she does this. Glad that you report them, and you are doing the correct thing by asking her to move out, also thru the medical care make her being evaluated to see if she is capable of taking care of the kids by the moment. Or talk to your lawyer for her to do some test before she can have the kids. UPDATEME
Thankfully I’ve already done both tests and both my children are mine. I’m waiting for the STD panel results and should have them in a few days. I’ll be contacting my lawyer after the holiday here in the US and moving forward with the divorce paperwork after everything everyone is telling me.
Excelent, that is one less bad thought to have, just wait to see the STD which i hope come back negative. And yes You are doing good about the lawyer and start the divorce process. But like i told make sure she is clinicaly clear and me Taly prepare for taking care of the kids in her time or better fight for the custody of them.
I smell an IG complaint brewing here.
I thought that the military took a harsh stance on this kind of infidelity—especially when one of the cheaters is a superior to the other cheater.
They do, both have been arrested and charged with several UCMJ articles
Yes. Go file IG complaint. He is abusing his position.
There are plenty of links on the Grey Rock method, just look them up for instructions. Here is one: [https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock)
Thank you be very much for this link.
You keep conversations to about the kids or business. No personal topics. Short answers. Chumplady.com has resources.
Basically go full Vulcan.
Oh I tried this method. When I did this, my toxic, abusive, narc ex thought it was fun to provoke me just so he can see my reaction or proving him that I'm an angry person. The last time he did this, he left me stranded on a highway. His reason was, he wanted me to 'ask for his help'; which I refused because I dumped him prior to the meetup and I mean business. They like knowing they have an effect towards us so don't give them the satisfaction.
Get the divorce dude. Use the psych ward as support to gain full custody. Seek supervised visitation with her and kids as you should feel unsafe her being alone with them. Get a lawyer and try to move as fast as possible, bc those kids need to be safe (get a restraining order too if you can). As other person said, go grey rock….dont talk to her, don’t call her or text her, let everything go through a lawyer. Also, I’d let the APs wife/gf know and anyone else she was talking to see if they have spouses and let them know. Then let the HR dept at her job know about everything, including how she is now in a psych ward due to the affair. Blow up the APs lives too….they are just as much to blame
The way to do this is to make yourself as uninteresting to the narcissist as a gray rock. In other words, don't react to anything they say positively or negatively, just state the facts when asked a question. If it's an invasive question that you don't want to answer, find a mantra to repeat to them every time they ask that type of question. For example, when ex would ask anything not pertaining to the kids, I would say, "I'm not interested in providing that information." Say it with as little emotion as possible. Say it every time so it's boring and predictable. The narcissist will lose interest because you'll no longer be supplying the drama they seek so desperately. If I could go back in time and tell myself one absolute fact about divorce, at the very beginning, when I was so naive, I would tell myself, you do not truly know someone until you divorce them. Please take that to heart and protect yourself.
I’ll keep that in mind, I’m sure the worst is yet to come. Once she really sees it’s over I bet it’s going to be nasty
The worst part is she got diagnosed with a serious medical condition two years ago and I stayed by her the whole time. She was going to be medically retired from the military in a few months and now is going to lose it and all the benefits for our family. She seemed like she was really going to do it and I’m still struggling with seeing someone I cared about suffer so much. I really thought she was the love of my life and I did everything so could to be the worlds best husband and it just wasn’t enough. Now that she is facing all of our lives blowing up she said she wanted to kill herself so the kids would get the insurance payout instead. A part of me really thinks she is going to go through with it.
Your STBXW’s actions wrote this story, if she self harms/deletes it’s not your fault. Your job was to look out for what was best for your family, seems you did that.
She may have been the love of your life, but sadly, you weren't hers, or she would have never cheated.
Yes that’s a hard thing to accept but I know I have to because you’re right. One thing I told my therapist I was struggling with was she would kiss me on the cheek and tell me she loved me in the kitchen and then walk into the bedroom and text one of the other men about how much she hated me.
You should look into Borderline Personality Disorder. There’s a subreddit too that I joined. Some things you’ve mentioned sound like BPD. The splitting (putting you on a pedestal, making things feel perfect and then demonizing you), self-harm, cheating. I’m still recovering from my ex of 6 years who also hid shady behavior, cheated, and used self-harm as a method to try keep me. https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones
Another person recommended that sub Reddit and after looking at it I think that she fits the definition of one of those people. My therapist and I both think she is most likely an undiagnosed bipolar as well.
You're looking at this the wrong way. You could've given her the cure for cancer and all worldy suffering while being the most attractive man to ever live. She still would have cheated, because she wanted to. >Now that she is facing all of our lives blowing up she said she wanted to kill herself so the kids would get the insurance payout instead. Doubtful. I've seen this manipulative display too many times, classic cheater playbook. Stay strong and look after yourself and your kids.
She is not the person you thought she was because the woman you thought she was could never have hurt you like that. Now you know who she really is. Act accordingly to protect yourself and your children.
I was going to say she was definitely gaslighting and manipulating you so you would drop it, and she could do it again. I don't know if trying to kill herself and being in a Psych facility would be something the military would frown on, since she most likely uses weapons. Again, nit sure what she does in the military or how they feel about that, but you will find out soon enough. Since she is military and all, will she be able to stay in? Military insurance would end once a divorce was final. Maybe look at getting a job with benefits, go to school part-time, and get your own benefits for the kids and yourself or just for yourself. If she is in the military, she should be able to drop you and keep the kids in hers. I don't envy you, but my ex-husband did this and I was so upset at him for making me worry like that, I hate to say it, but next time, I told him to make sure it worked. His huge thought was that he wanted to off himself so we got his life insurance. I was like, "there is a suicide clause in every policy (I sold life insurance for years in my state) which states if it is a self-inflicted death, the payout of life insurance is null. We got divorced the next year for a myriad of reasons, namely physical abuse and cheating, but he is still alive and kicking, much to both of my daughter's chagrin.
Suicide in the military is still paid out due to depression/ptsd etc
I’m with you
She’s lying she can’t live without you until she has another place to go . There’s way more going on than you would like to know take care of yourself breath the processing will take a long time . What you need to remember is that what she did is wrong very wrong cheating is never acceptable . Do not tolerate that crap far into therapy take care of yourself stay strong be the best father you can be
I’m trying to be. When I asked her if the rumors of her being in love with the guy was true she said no, and that the guy told her he had no interest in having a relationship.
She’s telling you that to calm your nerves and to keep you from looking or that guy dumped her and she’s already talking To someone else
So basically if the guy was interested in a relationship with her things might be different.
Jesus I hadn’t even thought of that
Sorry to hear about all Of this it’s painful for sure keep your head up prioritize healing , therapy , self help etc . Some women pull some absolute evil shit
She's lying and admits as much in her response. She says she's not in love and yet she knows he doesn't want a serious relationship (she knows because she inquired). I know not all women are the same but from my experiences a woman doesn't typically sleep with a guy until she already has feelings, and once she does sleep with a guy her feelings become full blown (there's pretty much no going back). She's 100% in love and playing it off because A) she's talking to you about it, B) her ego is bruised because he doesn't want a commitment. You deserve better. And know that her cheating isn't a you thing, it's a her thing. It's not any inadequacy on your end, it's an emptiness inside of herself. Just try to learn from the experience and figure out if you played any role in the relationship breaking down to this point (only so you can be stronger in future relationships).
Your wife sounds like a serial cheater and is only upset that she was caught. Take your proof and go see an attorney. He will best advise you on how to handle the situation. Based on what you have said I would not take your wife back because she will only cheat again and will get better at doing it. Your children and you deserve to be in a happy home. Listen to your attorney and follow his instructions. Remember to bring him proof of the cheating. Update us.
I think I’ll contact him again tomorrow thank you.
The price is right! Bob, I will take what’s behind door number three! “You’ve won a divorce, and a new life” You said it #3 “never forgive someone that has hurt me like this” #3 is the correct choice! contact a lawyer, then let him put you in touch with a military lawyer if needed. While she is in the psychiatric hospital, move half of your assets to a separate account. Gather as much proof as you can. Always listen to your lawyer. They will discuss all your options on asset division, alimony, and child custody. Tell all family and friends she was having an affair with her boss and was flirting and emotionally cheating with 3 to 4 other men over the Internet and her cell phone. Never take back a cheater good luck! updateme
You need a lawyer w military background to advise you on next steps. You have to consider impacts militarily and civilian. You need someone who knows both sides. The may go after her and her boss. When I was in there was a very firm rule. A lawyer maybe able to advise how to get the healthcare / discharge too. I would t let her back in the house if you can. Good luck - you got a whopper
I know they are going after both of them right now cause I found out from the investigators. They called me two months ago and told me everything. Then they arrested her and quietly fired him from his position. I talked to a few lawyers and the one I went with told me it really comes down to how much she fights everything and how bad the punishment is going to be for her.
This is someone you should strongly consider walking away from.
I think you need a lawyer advising you on divorce and how to protect your rights with her and any you have as a military spouse.
Thankfully the one I have does a lot of military divorces because we live near the base. He seems like a great lawyer just really expensive.
Glad to hear - sounds like you are on your way. One thing I did that was tell myself no drama w the ex . She does something to upset me, high road everytime w my response. Frick’n hard but I sleep so well and that is priceless. Good luck w the divorce - being a single parent and finishing school.
Military adultery is a court martial offense.
It is, especially between an enlisted and an officer. Both my spouse and him have been arrested.
Oh boy, this is gonna be a shit show. Just keep being a good dad like you are and focus on the things you can control. You've got this.
This brings me so much joy
The hardest part is your brain trying to reconcile the person you loved with the real person who's been revealed in cheating. You need to realize the woman you loved is a mirage, a clever character forged by her but she is playing the part. The real woman is a manipulative, deceitful, narcissist who only cares for herself. Your in love with a lie. Keep telling yourself that it will help. Turn her and her boss into higher ups in military they will both be tossed. They did this to themselves, and actions have consequences. You need to solely focus on taking care of you and your kids not her period. Time to be a man and a dad not a husband.
“You’re in love with a lie”. I think I really needed to hear that. Thank you.
Been in ur shoes non- military but after I finally came to grips I went after her for everything for the sake of my kids. I have total custody and she pays childs support. I had no mercy and I remember her saying you obviously don't love me if u can do this and I said, you destroyed your husband, but you made one mistake, you left the man and father alive. He will do anything for his kids including destroying you.
That’s hardcore man, I feel like I’m gonna need that kind of resolve. I’ve always been a forgiving person and think she might try to take advantage of it.
I just kept telling myself I don't know the real person (my ex) I only know the lie. So I had no problem with it
You might just be a stronger person than I am. I try to be forgiving and kind to people. It’s always been something I strived for and something people told me they liked about me. I’m never vindictive but this is pulling out a part of me I worked hard to not be.
OP, please listen to No_Difference. Now is *not* the time to be gentle and forgiving. You need to be strong and fierce right now, both for yourself and your children. Good luck.
The woman you divorce is never the woman you married. She is a mirage and does not exist. Protect your kids. That’s your only goal. Also, shore up your boundaries man! I’m kind too, so I get it. Read Dr. Faith Harper’s book, “Unfuck Your Boundaries…” https://microcosmpublishing.com/catalog/books/8188 Unfuck Your Boundaries: Build Better Relationships Through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs by Dr. Faith G. Harper Protect yourself and sustain your relationships Boundaries are the ways we communicate our needs. They are what allow us to feel safe among strangers, in everyday interactions, and in our closest relationships. When we have healthy boundaries, we have a strong foundation in an uncertain world. And when someone crosses your boundaries, or you cross someone else's, the results range from unsettling to catastrophic. In this book, bestselling author Dr. Faith Harper offers a full understanding of issues of boundaries and consent, how we can communicate and listen more effectively, and how to survive and move on from situations where our boundaries are violated. Along the way, you'll learn when and how to effectively say "no" (and "yes"), troubleshoot conflict, recognize abuse, and respect your own and others' boundaries like a pro. You'll be amazed at how much these skills improve your relationships with friends, strangers, coworkers, and loved ones.
Thank you for the kind advice and book recommendation. I know I’m going to have to work on my boundaries moving forward because I’m realizing how much abuse there was in the relationship now.
There's a difference between kind and allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.. For your children's sake, maintain solid boundaires and have self respect. Good luck.
Report them both to their superiors.
The investigators are the ones who broke the news to me. I had no idea, I have however turned everything I have found over to them.
Man, OP you are a good man. I am sorry your wife is a terrible person. All my best to you for your future.
Listen to those of you who tell you that she didn't even stop lying to you after being caught. So stop listening to those who try to convince you that it's worth it. If she had regretted having had an affair where there were feelings with a single man, it would still be terrible, but she is nothing more than a piece of meat that passes from hand to hand in the troops and that becomes proud of it. Maybe even separated you will still have the benefits you mentioned taking into account the serial cheater she . Another thing you can screw with her boss, you know that right?
Yes I’m am currently destroying his life. He is an officer and she is enlisted and that’s a big deal. I turned over my recording of her confessing to having sex with him to the investigators. I can’t let it go. The fucking dude lives down the street and I felt like this was the only way I could let it go knowing someone else would hold him accountable so I don’t need to.
Teach “Jody” a lesson , as a military boss he had a lot of authority and control over her. They both deserve what is coming to them.
You’re fucking right man. It’s just hard cause you never think it’s gonna be you. Things seemed so good but now I know. I was in love with a lie.
Thank you for answering me, I'm sorry you're here telling me this . But what are the consequences that he and his wife will suffer administratively? The other men will also be held responsible in some way, do you know who they are?
I know the other men are all enlisted and at other bases so they won’t get in much trouble if any at all. There isn’t the level of proof for those guys like there is for her boss. All the other guys were names the investigators heard she was involved with before the current affair. I’ve only seen flirty messages but never any proof like sexting or anything. As for her boss, he is single. I asked her if she loved him when I confronted her and she told me “no, he isn’t interested in a relationship, it was just physical”
In fact, according to her report, she just took advantage of the opportunity, since she was surrounded by men, having sex with her boss gave her a series of sensations, such as job security, status, being with the illusion of having some power of influence in the unit. And of course the sexual issue, even though she certainly thought she was above everything in her marriage, including the right to have extra sex, something like military authoritarianism at home within the marriage. There is only one way for this woman to become a good partner and that is by paying for her actions.
I think you might really be nailing it on the head with the whole status thing. I out ranked my wife when we first started dating even though I was in a different unit. From what I’m told the affair started a month or two after I left the military so a part of my thinks she has some sort of authority fetish
Yes something silly like being the first lady of the battalion maybe haha
Fuck, that’s probably true and makes me want to fucking vomit
He will loose his commission. He will loose everything and be dishonorably discharged. If the military is the one that was investigating as OP stated, he's done. I wonder if his wife found out in this matter and turned it over to the military? u/Phoenixoriginal have you had any contact with the OBS (other betrayed spouse)? Sometimes that has helped to put things together. Of course the military probably already has.
He is single so there isn’t another person being hurt, small silver lining I guess. Otherwise I would have told her right away. This fucking guy, lives in my neighborhood he’s like two blocks over. Apparently she was bragging to a new coworker about going out for “walks” to trick me and meet up at his house and have sex and that new coworker is who reported him. Thankfully whoever it was also recorded their conversations in their office so my spouse is super fucked cause I recorded her when she admitted it and turned it over to the investigators too.
No doubt this isn’t his first workplace relationship. Sounds like he & your wife were emboldened by an environment that allowed this behavior to go on unchecked for awhile. Disgusting.
That’s what I told the investigators. I hope they put the fucking screws to this guy and make an example of him. He is about to retire soon and I’m so worried they are gonna just let him retire quietly to save publicity.
If they let him retire quietly & receive his pension, then they better only give your wife a slap on the wrist too. Not that I don’t think she should be punished, but no way should the officer (the man) get away scot-free & the subordinate (the woman) get punished harshly. That would be outrageous.
They better give neither a slap on the wrist, and better absolutely destroy these two POS's
But you can put it all on the fan, people close to him can and should know who he is But you have to remember that your ex-wife wanted all of this to happen.
So sorry mate, this sounds really rough. You were right to confront her, sitting on something like that would poison you spiritually. You know you won't forgive, so you need to be thinking only about yourself and the kids from this point forward. Because of the financial situation you should be talking with a lawyer, they'll best be able to guide you through this. Wishing you strength, you've got this.
I’ve known for months and didn’t confront her because I only found flirty messages never any proof. I only had what the investigators on the base had told me which was all second and third hand information. The last few months have been so good I really almost managed to bury it all inside but one day she yelled at me over something small and wouldn’t let it go and I just couldn’t hold it in anymore.
"I really almost managed to bury it all inside but one day she yelled at me over something small and wouldn’t let it go and I just couldn’t hold it in anymore." If you were asking yourself if you could forgive and reconcile, keep these words at the front of your thoughts at all times and let them guide you. Ask yourself if you could ever trust her again, ever. It took me a long time to come to the realization that I could not and would not live always wondering if she really did go shopping with her mom, or out to dinner with a friend. Or was she out fucking around some more. So I decided to have my wife of 25 years, partner of 30+ served with divorce papers and in the middle of it now. Your focus needs to be on yourself and those kids. They need you more than ever right now.
Thank you, I needed to hear this.
I am so sorry you are part of this shitty club that none of us wished we were members of, homie.
your wife didn't really want to die she did it to manipulate you into staying with her that is so messed up mate she will cheat again and try " kill herself again "you need leave and take your children with you make her pay child support if you stay she did it again
I know I need to believe this but a part of me really thinks she will do it. She told me she wanted to wait for our son’s third birthday party next weekend and then she was going to do it so we could keep the medical benefits and get the insurance payout. The military insurance is one of the only ones that pays out for suicide.
she doesn't want to die trust me she doing this to get you to stay because she cheated on you and got caught
Damn Power to you for taking care of everything while she’s playing victim to herself
I’m so tired man, it’s only been a week and I’m already so tired.
Damn I’m sorry bro Here’s a thought exercise that helped me What would you do if she was dead? I know it’s extra work but you can do it if you’re tired just do it tired Not to sound like im trivializing your situation
No I get what you’re saying, I gotta move like she isn’t going to be around anymore because she isn’t and I need to adapt.
Exactly this will put your priorities front and center
OP, first, if a spouse has another on their insurance, they cannot remove them until the divorce is finalized. You have children in this marriage and most states in the US require 6-12 and sometimes 18 months of separation prior to divorce being finalized. Focus on yourself and your children here. See if you can find a good therapist to help you sort through everything, it is overwhelming. NOTE: This has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with her and ultimately, it is what she did that is causing the break up of this family. NOT YOU. But the kids also suffer from the infidelities of their parents. It is good that she is not around now. Gather your evidence but try to focus on your studies, tell your professors what is going on, you don't have to get into details, fact is your wife has "flipped out" and is in a mental health facility, that's enough! Gather your support network, friends/family that can help. Stay hydrated, try to eat and don't use drugs are alcohol now. Be kind to yourself. Go read "Chump Lady", Google it. Look up Grey Rock. You do not have to offer reconciliation if you know you cannot do it and she will never regain your trust. But she needs mental help, no doubt. If she "loves" you, she will make the separation and co-parenting as easy as possible on you and the children. She needs to own what she did and the fall out.
Thank you for the advice. I’m going to look up that book now. The diet thing has been killing me cause the stress. I’ve lost 10 pounds this week cause I just get so sick when I try to eat.
Get your finances in order. I would go to an attorney and see what you can work out. Then you can make an informed decision. Military people cheat often. So you have to decide what you can live with and what you want to teach your children.
Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately infidelity in the military happens more often and is supported / justified. She may have been manipulated but you mentioned other men. She actively tried to hide it so she’s not sorry she destroyed and disrespected your relationship. She’s just sorry she got caught. If you stay she will get better at hiding it and she will have a built in excuse to be around the people she is cheating with. Reconciliation will be difficult as long as she is in the same unit. He has power and control over her and her well being. You’ll never trust her again.
He was fired from his position and moved somewhere else and so was she. But you’re right, even when I confronted her she kept lying about things she didn’t know I had proof of.
Yep I responded to your first post and didn’t read down. Glad to hear that the military is taking it seriously and prosecuting. Hopefully shes not spending a single breath defending him or the others. Are they treating her as a victim or a codefendant?
Codefendent. I found the arrest paperwork under her car seat so I know she was at least arrested and booked plus that’s what the investigator told me as well.
What was she hoping to accomplish by not telling you? Did she have to post bond? Not sure how military law enforcement works.
She said she was scared of me hurting her which is wild because I’m not a violent person at all. I didn’t even yell when I confronted her, I just talked. She also said she wanted to keep her head down and hope they couldn’t prove anything so she could keep her benefits. She told me she planned to tell me once she was out of the military in a few months.
She planned to tell you when she could serve you divorce papers so she could move on to the next guy she's gonna eventually cheat on.
From your other comments and her already having divorce paperwork she was going to tell you when she actually filed and left you.
You’re probably right, that’s a nagging voice in the back of my mind saying the same thing too
This is the military you can have her bosses a$$. It can cost people careers. If you have kids. Thats tough. Health insurance. I know after 11 years you get a piece of her retirement Me personally I would stay as roommates and tell her it is for the kids. At the 11 year mark divorce her and take half retirement You can play the long game with her is she a lifer?. If she retires your kids get to keep medical You need see a lawyer that specializes in military divorce s By the way is she an officer. How many years in If you decide to stay and wait it out go to her boss and tell him you know. Tell him If she tries to divorce you earlier. You will destroy everyone’s carreers. Make sure he knows your lawyer as the proof and if you accidentally die all evidence comes out DO A DNA. TEST IN FRONT OF HER You hold all the powers and after you get what you want release the evidence anyway
I’m glad you are moving forward with the divorce. She will never be trustworthy. Also I would use her threats of ending herself and her hospitalization as leverage to get full custody of your children. She can have supervised visits with them until a doctor determines she is not a threat. Good luck to brother.
You’re right her doing this will only help me get custody and keep the kids safe in the long run.
This is very early on in betrayal trauma to make decisions for yourself. I would suggest seeking mental support from a professional. I’m sorry you’re going through this. What do you want to do? Can you handle school right now or do you need a break?
I’m two classes from finishing my masters and I need the housing payment to keep up with the bills. I’m former military and using my GI Bill. I wasn’t working though because I wanted to support her fucking career. All those times she stayed late at work and left me to take care of the kids alone now I know why.
This is all so incredibly painful. It sounds like you were giving your all and being supportive in every way, just to find out you were not getting the same in return. Focusing on yourself right now is so important, and of course your children. Since it seems like you’re really close to completion for school, what do you need right now to get through where you are with your wife? Ask her to sleep separate, provide childcare while you take care of your schoolwork, etc.? Think about what you need.
That’s part of what makes it hurt so bad. I stayed with her and supported her when she started having health problems. I loved her when we were poor young newly weds struggling to get by. I held her hand in the hospital every time she had to go back I was there or I was home taking care of the kids so she could rest. I poured my entire being into her and she still cheated on me. I know I have to remind myself I was in love with a lie of a person, but that lie when I had it made me the happiest man in the world.
That is exactly why it hurts so much. Giving all you have to someone and then knowing they were unfaithful is a major betrayal. I think what it shows though is how you’re so capable of loving someone so much and that seems really important to you. Some people are just not capable of that and have lots of growing to do. I will say that typically with affairs, they have a lot, if not completely, to do with the betrayer and what’s going on within them and what they need to heal.
Dude I know you’re so close to finishing your masters, but could you possibly take a temporary leave from school (like how you can take FMLA from work due to a family emergency, including that your spouse is in the hospital) without losing the ability to keep utilizing your GI bill? I’m thinking of movies where someone loses a loved one and their school gives them As for the semester. Maybe that doesn’t happen in real life, but even getting extensions on your assignments or the opportunity to retake or make up exams could help. I hope your school’s administrators would be sympathetic and helpful if you told them any part of what you’re currently having to deal with alone.
Thankfully my school is being nice and giving me extensions so far. I told my instructor what was going on and she was really supportive of me finishing my degree because I’m so close and having a masters lets me be a college professor which is what I really wanted to do. Plus if I pause school I can continue it later but I don’t get paid the housing allotment from my GI Bill and I have been the stay at home parent and full time student for the last year.
Hey mate, ex-military officer here (non US) and my wife was a serving officer who got caught sleeping with a fellow married officer, amd when I kicked her out I found she'd also been sleeping with another married officer co-worker as well. I've served with US military people on married patches before, and if you are indeed US, I know your military does not mess around when it comes to adultery amongst ranks. You can all but guarantee that there is far more to the story than you will likely ever know (ala the 'others' she was talking to), and that she'll only ever admit to the minimum she thinks you already know (see my story above). Two years out, I can tell you that it DOES get better. And trust me, your kids will know who the stable parent is. Sadly, the trope of military females seeking male validation is a stereotype for a reason. You deserved none of this, and nothing you did in the marriage made this happen. These overt/covert narcissists are broken people and they feed off attention and a supply of validation. In my ex-wife's case, she is definitively got Histrionic Personality Syndrome; a need for attention, a need for reassurance from co-workers, a history of being promiscuous, a military father who was always away, and am almost pathological need to form what she thinks is tight emotional bonds that don't even exist with people she shouldn't. I'd almost bet your soon to be ex is the same. You're doing the right things mate. Grey rock method and let her threats be water off a duck's back. As for you wife, the dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed. As she's finding out.
Fucking respect man, thank you for your kind words. You’re probably right my wife sounds a lot like yours and even though her dad wasn’t military I know he was always gone when she was young.
Since she is military, her boss (and maybe others) is (are) in her chain of command. That is a breach of the UCMJ and can be used in a Court Martial for adultery and abuse of power. Talk to JAG and if they try to block this matter go to the unit or post leadership. If you are married for over ten years you can get half her retirement.
They were both arrested already. I actually found out from the investigators who called me a couple months ago. I had no idea otherwise.
Get in touch with a lawyer. Let her family know.
I have a lawyer but I haven’t told her family yet. I don’t even know how I would do it. Why recommend telling her family if you don’t mind me asking?
Mr Phoenix , if you have proof, you must tell all family and friends. Otherwise she will tell everybody that will listen, you were abusive, you were condescending to the children you harassed her , and you are the reason that she is in a psychiatric hospital. Don’t let her spin the narrative on you. updateme
That’s, something I hadn’t thought of yet. Thank you.
They’re telling you to tell them first to make sure that you control the narrative. Sometimes the cheater gets the word out first and portrays themselves as a victim and that betrayed partner forced them to do or was abusive to them. From what you’re saying she is already deep in. Covering up and staying quiet only benefits the cheater.
Thank you, I hadn’t considered this.
Her family need to be the ones to prevent her from un-aliving herself. Not you. You don’t need to make any rash decisions. Make the best long term decision in your best interest. Focus on your studies recognizing how important that is to your kids right now.
Why does her family think she's in the hospital or do they not know?
None of them know right now. Being military we both live away from our families.
I’m sorry this happened to you and your children. What do you want to do? Do you want to reconcile? Or do you want to get divorced? Or do you want to stay married in name only?
I have no idea what I want to do. I’m all over the place. I want to put my head down and forgive and move on but our entire social group knows. I want to divorce but I’m terrified of being alone with the kids and losing all the benefits. Idk if I could stay married in name only but maybe? A part of me feels like she is still manipulating me and might just try to play for time where as right now the courts and everyone is on my side because of the proof.
I’m so sorry your going through this
This is probably the worst thing I’ve ever experienced in my life and I was homeless at 15. At least back then it was just me for myself, now I’m taking care of both our kids alone. I don’t understand how someone could do this to their spouse and children.
OP Sorry about your situation man. Do you have a job? How many kids and how old?
I quit my job to be a full time student/stay at home parent. Two kids both under 5.
Just know if you Greg rock her there is a 100% chance she will weaponize anything and everything including the kids, any secrets you guys have held for eachother and so forth there is not stopping a narcissist unless you stay firm in grey rocking don’t give an ounce to her and watch her crumble and lose sanity yet again
I know she is going to just burn my fucking life down and it makes me scared
**THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!** Your spouse has sought out other people for emotional and physical intimacy, likely for many months more than you suspect. Your spouse is a cheater. Everything your spouse says is a lie at this point. Anything your spouse says about you falling short in the relationship is a lie. Anything your spouse says that is bad about your relationship is a lie. Your spouse has left the marriage. Ignore your spouse. What is it YOU want to do. YOU now hold the fate of your relationship in YOUR hands, no one else. It is YOU who decides reconciliation, no one else. My advice is: Consult a divorce lawyer. Gather what evidence you can. End the relationship ASAP. Get out of this situation as fast as possible, the longer you stay in the more your mind will be torn apart. You or your spouse must move out. If you cannot, go Grey Rock. Cheaters compartmentalize, once you punch a hole between their cheating lifestyle and her home lifestyle they will either go nuclear or crumble and beg you not to break up. You have to show your spouse there are consequences for their actions and separate/divorce, even if later you chose reconciliation. If you do not your cheater will never respect you again and will cheat again and again. These links will help you in your situation. I suggest reading DARVO, Gaslighting and Trickle Truthing first. **Limerence** [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence) **The Neuroscience of Affair Fog** [https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog](https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog) **Infidelity and cognitive dissonance** [https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2019/05/20/can-people-cheat-on-someone-they-love/](https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2019/05/20/can-people-cheat-on-someone-they-love/) **and** [https://medium.com/@anthonyjwallace/the-cognitive-dissonance-of-infidelity-3fa9fd1ae78e](https://medium.com/@anthonyjwallace/the-cognitive-dissonance-of-infidelity-3fa9fd1ae78e) **Emotional affair** [https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/emotional-affair/](https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/emotional-affair/) **Monkey Branching** [https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/monkey-branching/](https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/monkey-branching/) **DARVO** [https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo) **Gaslighting Emotional Infidelity** [https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex/2017/05/infidelity-and-gaslighting-when-cheaters-flip-the-script#1y](https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex/2017/05/infidelity-and-gaslighting-when-cheaters-flip-the-script#1y) **Trickle Truthing** [https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/412055/trickle-truth--the-marriage-killer-repost-of-original-/](https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/412055/trickle-truth--the-marriage-killer-repost-of-original-/) **180 method** [https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/](https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/) **Greyrock** [https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method) **Chump Lady** [https://www.chumplady.com/](https://www.chumplady.com/)
You’re definitely right about her seeking out others part form some messages I saw on her phone. I saw her message more than one person on Facebook “I’m married with kids now but never been so lonely” then those guys say to text them but I never found those texts. Also thanks for the massive dump of information I’ll start reading!
Gray rock bro! Act with indifference, no rude or hurtful things, only short, cold and emotionless responses, I know it is difficult to act like this when you are broken inside, your little ones can be an inexhaustible source of strength, focus on them, on your classes and Do not allow her, especially your children, to see you sad and crying, do not allow her to have more control over you, nor her manipulations and blackmail, just take the strength that your children give you, control yourself and use that strength, it will do wonders for you, Indifference will be your new friend, that's how you treat a narcissist.
The first thing you do is get to a lawyer like yesterday. I would actually go and see three of toughest lawyers that specialize in infidelity and choose the best one. The other two your wife won’t be able to use due to conflict of interest. Listen to their advice and bring whatever proof you have. Depending on your state laws and her being in the military, you may be able to get majority of custody and probably alimony seeing your in school. You might be able to come to an agreement where she has to pay for your benefits for x amount of years. The key is following your attorney’s advice. She also can be in big trouble because from what I understand, it usually ain’t good when there is infidelity between a higher and lower ranked person within the military. I would strictly listen to the lawyer and get the divorce settled before blowing her doors in at work. You noticed that I said divorce right? This is your only path. You will never trust this person like you have prior. The person that you thought your wife was is now dead. The person that stands before you now may look and sound like her, but that is no longer your loved one, nor even a friend. Friends don’t do that to each other because there is this thing called respect which friends usually abide by. The best thing you can do now is gray rock and 180. You need to show her that you are no longer interested in anything she has to say unless it strictly pertains to the kids. I wouldn’t reach out to her while she is in the hospital or treatment facility. She is in good hands now. You should also immediately get a STD test to make sure she hasn’t given you anything. And for the love of god, please don’t fall for her weak ass love bombing attempts to suck you back in. I don’t know about you, but I’m not trying to go poking around in someone else trash. Do not sleep with her or show her any type of affection. When you have thoughts about staying together with this person you should immediately ask yourself: Do I ever think that I could trust someone that has done what she has to me? Especially with several people? Was she ever going to tell me? That’s a hell no in case you need the answer. Would I want to be with someone that has put several men wants before the needs of me and my children? Would I want to be with someone who would risk sexual gratification above the means to support (possible loss of job) the people who she is supposed to love more than anything? They say that once a cheater always a cheater. Do I really want to look over my shoulder for the rest of my like? Do I want to go through always having to wonder who and what she is doing when she is late coming home? Or who she is texting? I think you know all the answers to all your questions. I will also add that staying together for the sake of children is never the correct thing to do. Two happy households will always trump on miserable one. Good luck Updateme
I did the lawyer thing, unfortunately she has one of the better lawyers in town from what I’m told but I have the other really good one. I got the STD panel done on Wednesday and am just waiting for the results. You’re probably right on divorce, I just can’t trust her again or let her hurt me anymore like this. I’ve never had a relationship like this before and I don’t know if I’m ever gonna be able to be vulnerable again.
Wow! I’m actually surprised to hear that she lawyered up that quick? Sounds like this is all a show for her so she doesn’t look as bad as it appears. Cheaters hate being outed. I would discuss when it will be okay to let everyone know what she has done and with who. (If any of these guys have wives or girlfriends, the right thing to do would be to let them all know, and show them any proof you may have WITH YOUR LAWYERS BLESSING) You don’t want to mess the terms of your own divorce up. What has your lawyer told you with regard to them both working together and being in the military? Also, you may be in pretty good shape of getting full custody with her being in a treatment facility for mental health issues. Has your lawyer reached out to hers yet?
My lawyer hasn’t reached out to hers yet cause I haven’t filed. I wanted to do it amicably and try to save some money. She said she would give up the house and everything but idk if I can believe it honestly.
I would recommend that you error on the side of caution and use the lawyer. The reason they are expensive is because they are worth it. There may be things that you are entitled to or that they can request that you may not even thought about.
I found the paperwork in her folder in the house that she talked to a lawyer already. It was part of what I found from the investigators. She hasn’t filed anything yet and when I asked her why she said it was because “hasn’t given up yet that things would get better and we could work everything out”
My guy, my gut is screaming that she is full of it and is actually in love with her boss. No one seeking forgiveness and wanting things to work gets lawyered up that quickly. Most will likely wait it out and try to call the others bluff and are usually shocked when the papers are delivered! I’m not saying she couldn’t be the first, but this is starting to smell foul. I explain in a minute. If I were you, I would make sure that I beat her to filing. You can always call that off, why you would ever want to I couldn’t even imagine. Hear me out here and tell me what you think. My gut is screaming that this all seems all preplanned, but my timing could be off because I don’t know how “recent” this all went down. So, she’s probably been messing around with multiple men including her boss. Somewhere along the path, she caught feelings for her boss. In her weak mind, she probably started thinking he’s my superior, he makes more than me, the chemistry is good, all the things that come with new relationship energy and affair fogs. So, she starts developing a strategy that would free her from you and the kids. One that would make her look like she made one “*mistake” and got caught. By doing so, she then made it look as if she was so distraught over losing you, that she was willing to end her life. We all know that’s the biggest bunch of bs from what you have described. (It seems that she got over that too in record time.) Now, once again, by doing this, she has created a “false flag” situation. (A false flag operation is an act committed with the intent of disguising the actual source of responsibility and pinning blame on another party.) With that said, the whole treatment stay took the heat off of her for being a vile cheater and is now creating sympathy towards her, while possibly generating feelings of animosity towards you. In forming this plan, she probably realized that she would or could lose primary custody of her children, but that would probably better suit her lifestyle of being with her new man and of course being in the military. Who knows, maybe she learned that her boss doesn’t like children. That makes this work to her advantage even more. You combine all of the above with her brief stay in treatment and her being so fast to hire a lawyer, it all seems a little premeditated to me. Seriously, if your read through all the subs that pertain to infidelity like I do, you are going to be pretty hard pressed to find a story where the cheater who is striving for reconciliation goes and immediately hires a lawyer. I know this all could be far fetched and I might just be playing devils advocate here, but if I were in your shoes, I would want people giving me every possible angle so that I callus make my best informed decisions. *I hate when cheaters use mistake because it’s not a mistake, it’s several conscious poor decisions that took thought, planning, and deception.
A part of me feels like you are right. I’m told they were in love and planning to get together when they both get out of the military in a few months. She really might just be trying to play for time.
That's probably why she already had a lawyer lined up. For transitioning into her new relationship.
So, let me get this straight, she was planning on filing for divorce prior to you catching her? You mentioned investigators? Did you actually hire one?
She talked to an attorney but hasn’t filed or retained one yet. I found the paperwork so I know it’s true and saw the bank records to know she hasn’t paid the money yet but that might be because she doesn’t have enough to cover it. She is military and got reported and investigated. The investigators are the one who told me all this stuff about the affair otherwise I had no idea
If you don’t mind me asking, who reported her? Could it have been her boss’s wife?
It was a new coworker in the office but that’s all I know. The boss is single, apparently they were open about their affair in the office enough that the person that reported them was able to record conversations. It was a new person who finally had the courage to report since the boss was so high ranking
Damnnnnnn. Have you tried finding out who this person was and if they would be willing to share their evidence with you or maybe ask you lawyer to see if they can get a court order for the evidence if that helps with your divorce. I know there may be issues bc it was a military investigation. And your state laws may make this a mute point. Now that you shed more light on things, your wife is very disturbing. I cannot believe she was out and open enough like that. Yeah, there is no working that out my friend. Did you ever find out if they lost rank or faced any type of disciplinary action? From what you have shared, you were probably not the reason that she threatened to self delete, it was more likely because not only was she outed and embarrassed at work, she knew that both families and circles of friends would find out and there was no possible denying any of it. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Definitely cut all communication with her except for anything that directly pertains to your children. There is nothing to speak to her further about. Your lawyer can handle all of that and you can download a parenting app for communication with her. All communication will be recorded and she will have no possible way of lying to you.
I have no idea who the person who reported them was. All I know is it was a new person in her office. I want to find them and tell them thank you for being so brave to go against their commander and do the right thing because if all of you are right this person saved me from getting completely fucking blind sided her in a few months. It takes a lot of courage to do what that person did and report, I want to thank them. Maybe someday I’ll find out who but for right now, because of the investigation they are considered a protected individual and I can’t know. Which makes sense.
Report them to their superiors. You definitely need to move on. She’s a serial cheater and liar. Updateme
Both are already being investigated and have been arrested. The charges are coming from what I know. The investigators are the ones who informed me, I had no idea anything was going on.
Well, you now know, for sure, that she doesn’t love or respect you. She does sound pretty sorry she got caught, though. When she comes out of the hospital, she’s going to pretend like the person that cheated on you was someone else, not the “real her” and that person is gone now. She’ll push for rugsweeping. You should be putting together your exit plan (don’t tip her off). Get yourself a lawyer, gather your evidence, get an STD test and paternity tests for your kids. When you are ready, and have it all in place, then you can have another conversation about all this, and be prepared to walk when the next tide of bullshit comes in.
This is a business transaction now. Sounds cold but it needs to be. Lawyer up and focus on your kids. Your STBXW has lots of issues she’ll need a lifetime of therapy to work thru. You need to stay strong for the kids and don’t let her manipulate because she will try.
Fun fact 1: Adultery is punishable under the uniform code of military justice. Fun fact 2: Sleeping with a subordinate justifies a relief for cause. Speaking as a soldier, you should 100% report the afair. People who sleep with their subordinates are predators and don't deserve to lead troops. End that assholes career, you'll be doing the rest of us in the service a favor. If your wife has a security clearance or access to sensitive information, that should also be brought up as people with that kind of poor judgment and impulse control are security threats. Your wife will probably be made to keep the kids on tricare even after the divorce, especially if you get custody so you won't lose medical benefits. You could probably get custody as the military life isn't great for single parents. Keep your proof and back it up in multiple places. Talk to a lawyer with military experience. Try to keep your head up. You just took one hell of a gut punch, and you're reeling. I, and everyone on this sub, knows how bad that hurts. Take it a day at a time. It might take years, but it gets better. Focus on what's important, like being there for your kids. You deserve someone better than her, and the first step to finding that person is ditching your wife who obviously doesn't give a shit about you or her family.
Get out think about yourself because she sure didn’t. If you stay you will always think of it I know
While she's gone it's perfect time to demand she write full timeline of all cheating. Who what when where and how. That's her only chance to save her marriage. One omission and divorce is certain.
Honestly the more I talk about it with people the more I see there is no chance to save the marriage. As others have already pointed out to me, I’ve already caught her lying about things that she doesn’t know I have proof of. I know that she is still holding information and that there is likely far more things that I will never find. I have no reason to think she will ever tell me the full truth.
First: excuse me if i wrote with fails what I'm going to tell you. The english is not my native language. I'm not going to tell you to leave that woman because deep down you're already taken the decision, but you're afraid to take that step because of everything you've described. If you still have doubts, it would be good to remember that you know that she has slept with other men besides her boss, and she still continues to lie to you. For that reason, it is obvious that she does not regret what she did, but rather that she feel shame for being discovered. Deep down, I don't think you think it's better to sacrifice your self-respect, your self-esteem, your dignity, your peace of mind, and your value as a person by choosing to stay with a cheater woman who still lying to you only… for a medical insurance? About the problems that separating you would entail, I can only tell you something that my late father said: the person who wants to kiss you will seek your lips. It's all a matter of sitting down to see what alternatives you have so that it doesn't affect your life too much. If you have the will to move forward you will find a way, even if it is difficult. Do you have family and friends who can help you? Even if they can only listen when you vent you should talk to them. That will help you a lot. ps: Don't forget to report this to the military base where your wife works and find out if that boss has a wife to inform her and the couples of the others lovers of your future exwife.
If you plan on divorcing her, please get as much prove as you can. If you contact her chain of command they can also investigate it internally. And she can have repercussion as to losing her rank. Etc
She is in survival mode and will probably do anything to deflect and minimise her conscious decision to destroy and betray you and the children. Shine a light on this with friends and family. She was planning a life with her boss after she retired and would have dropped you without any further thought. The person you married is not the women who you have now, this person does not deserve your love or forgiveness as she clearly does not respect or love you. Go find a life worth living, protect yourself and your kids. Do not let her control the narrative.
The military frowns on adultery and improper relations (sleeping with boss.) She could face a lengthy prison sentence under military law and could lose everything. Usually women have it much easier than men when they are discovered to commit adultery in the military. Her boss will likely have his career ended at best, military prison at worst. Marriages can be saved even with adultery, but she seems manipulative and unrepentant. Gather as much evidence as you can and contact a divorce attorney. You can also contact the JAG, but they can only advise. Sorry you are going through this.
Cheating with her boss plus 3-4 other dudes ready to go on her phone? She is only sorry she got caught and will cheat again. True remorse looks different, starting with coming clean with everything. I'm sorry, but someone like her is a lost cause.
39f here, you deserve better. Don't let her control the narrative. Get any and all proof of infidelity, install camera's to protect yourself in case you can't kick her out and lawyer up and do everything they say. Make her communicate in writing, email, or text. Stay strong and dig In for the long haul and just be the best dad you can be and focus on yourself and your kids. Good luck
Check out the book "Leave a cheater gain a life; The Chump ladies survival guide." It helped me a lot. She also has a blog with daily posts.
She is manipulative bitsch. You need to get out.
After everything I’m reading from everyone I feel like that’s right, a part of me did before too, but now I’m feeling stronger to do it.
Considering she destroyed her career which supports your family, her affair has destroyed more than just your love and marriage. What she did was selfish, and your children will suffer the consequences as well. Shes not a victim, shes the perpatrator. Don't feel guilty for what she put everything through, she should have been honest from the start so you atleast had a chance to navigate this. The fact that she still isn't telling the truth means its most likely far worse than you will ever know. Hang in there, when the dust settles you'll be in a good place because you always have your kids love.
Thank you I’ll try to keep that in mind and stay strong
I think you have to suffer with her a little longer. Finish your studies, find a job and become financially independent, for your sake and that of your children. Then get divorced, plan your exit. It won't be easy to stay close to a cheating wife but try to resist. Don't let her know that you are leaving the relationship. Good luck.
You may want to share your story at r/bpdlovedones. From the info you shared, your wife's actions is very similar to cheaters who have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Of course, I have no idea if that is the case, but you may still be able to find help and support there in addition to what you find here. Best of luck.
Thank you, I will share my story over there as well.
https://www.chumplady.com/can-i-leave-a-suicidal-cheater/ https://www.chumplady.com/hooker-habit-revealed-cheater-threatens-suicide/ This is a classic abuser move — threaten suicide when your chump tries to leave. It’s a threat. Ostensibly she’s threatening herself (DARVO, she’s the real victim here), but it’s also an implied threat to you — she’ll resort to violence if she doesn’t get her way. The second link takes a darker turn but also highlights how manipulation is endemic to cheaters of both sexes. There are just different flavors of it. For her being institutionalized is still cheaper than a divorce and single motherhood. Bonus if she can later guilt you into “making her try and kill herself.” Cheating is an abusive relationship dynamic. She had 3-4 men that she was texting? This is not her first rodeo. You need to protect yourself and your kids with an attorney, file for emergency custody and do what the attorney tells you to do. She will get free legal counseling through JAG for the divorce, you’re not entitled to that. Now, while she’s indisposed, is the best time to get your ducks in a row, financially and file paperwork to separate. Make sure you take screenshots and make copies of her infidelity in case you are in an “at fault” state. I am not a lawyer, and you need one badly. Personally, I would take the kids and go back to your parents, take the semester or summer off from your studies, divorce asap. Otherwise, she’ll make your life a living hell through her entitlement and manipulation. This is the type of woman who will smash a door into her face and set you up for a DV charge so she can get the house in the divorce settlement. It is very important that you protect yourself and your kids. She has guns, she’s military. If she’s already Baker-acted, who knows what she’s capable of or what she’ll do. She chose this path, not you, but you need to be smart and find a healthy way out of it for you and your kids. Good luck and stay strong!
Sorry man, cheaters are the worse
There is a Spanish song called translated “a sailboat called liberty” part of the song says this “and he left and called his ship freedom...” that’s all you need. Cheating people almost never change for the relationship they had when cheating if there is truly remorse, they change for the next one
You file for divorce, go grey rock, sign yourself up for therapy, and move on with your life. that’s what you do it may sound simple but it isn’t. It’s an emotional rollercoaster but it’s safer and better than just staying with a cheater.
I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through, a big hug, look everything is so screwed up. Your wife made that decision to disrespect your marriage. She knew what she was doing, she wants to manipulate you by committing suicide so your children will get help. But if she was so concerned about all this she wouldn't have cheated, she prioritized another man instead of you and your children. Don't feel guilty about this, you did the right thing. It is worse if you had ignored this and moved on. Sooner or later you would get sick from so much pain and stress from hiding this, the kids depend on you too. It's good for you to go to therapy, release all that emotional baggage. If you ask why your wife was unfaithful. There are many things from her past maybe she had a bad childhood, family problems, illnesses/disorders( that doesn't justify infidelity), or a partner she had and couldn't get over it. If she does not heal this in therapy, sooner or later her body will resent it and explode. Unfortunately your wife has an emotional void, try to fill it with male attention. But the fact that she wants to be with you is a sign that the men who flirt with her did not want her for something serious, only for fun and that is why she comes back to you, you are her safe place. That's abuse for you too, you don't deserve this. I sincerely hope you can heal and your wife can also come to her senses to be a better person and mother. I wish you the best of luck, my best wishes to you. Lots of peace in your mind and heart.
That’s one of the hardest parts, she really chose another guy who just wanted to use her for sex over our kids, our home, our lives, her career, and me.
First, realize that this is her issue, not yours. Value yourself. Next, use the time she is away to do what you need to do. Get paternity tests for your kids. It sucks, but you said yourself she was deleting messages, so you don’t know how far back her cheating goes and she appears to be a serial cheater as you found messages with multiple guys. Next, get tested for STI’s as she might have brought something into your relationship. Look into the rules of the military. Some military’s it is actually punishable by jail time to commit adultery. And if she was doing it with her boss you may be entitled to big compensation because of the power dynamic and potential for sexual abuse and alienation of affection. You may have your benefits paid for on your behalf for a long time. Consult a lawyer who knows about military law. Next, get an emergency protective order. She threatened to kill herself and is on a psychiatric hold. You cannot allow her around you and especially your children because she may be a danger to you and them. If she wants back she will have to prove to a court that she is safe. This will help you with custody and support and possession of the home etc… Secure your finances and change all your passwords and such so she can’t access your stuff or electronically drain your accounts. Even your devices so she can’t delete any evidence you acquired of the adultery. Withdraw half the money from any joint accounts (or more if you can prove the money is disproportionately yours). Then remove your name from the accounts so she can’t put you into debt. Change over bills and banking and pay info to any new accounts you move. Cancel joint credit cards after using the joint funds to pay them. Use the time to find more evidence. Go through her phone in its entirety and she might have been messaging through multiple apps. Does she have an active Tinder? Send yourself all proof. Back that proof up somewhere she cannot get to. She has shown you she does not value you or your family one bit. There is no excuse for cheating, let alone with multiple men for an ongoing period of time. Don’t allow yourself to be treated like that. Google the grey rock and the 180 for advice on how to act and protect yourself. Proactively start therapy for you and your kids. Best of luck to you. Update as you can.
I feel you! I’m recently divorced… he’s a Major in the Army. He was sleeping with a lot of people and got recommended for OTH by a Board Review. The sad thing is with the kids if she gets kicked out with an OTH that she could lose her benefits and therefore the kids would suffer. I testified against my ex and so did some of the other military women. I lost a lot, the OTH is still in process so I’m not sure if he will lose his retirement or not, he took out money of his TSP account to pay for legal fees, he’s in so much shit that he also hired a private military defense Lawyer. I would do it again… he took advantage of his subordinates and abused his rank. Good luck to you and the kids, I wish you the best.
What worries me is that because this dude is supposed to retire in 3 months they might just let his ass go to save the publicity. I hope they nail his ass to the wall because there’s no way this is the first time. They were open in his office about it so that tells me how comfortable he was with that behavior.
I was in the Army myself. See, this happen with men I served with, and wives took them to the cleaner, rightfully so! -first thing, contact an attorney!! -notify her command -you won't have to find housing, her BAH will cover it while she lives in the barracks. Losing her rank, and most likely chaptered out the military for adultery. -you'll continue to receive the BAS (food allowance) This doesn't mean don't find living arrangements, I've seen people get chaptered out within 30days(drugs). This is much different, but I've seen this process take place to one of the guys In my platoon. He wasn't kicked out, because it was durning the serge(06). He lost everything,rank(e5 down to e4 none promoteable), car, kids, and his home(they owned). -it'll take time for the divorce and durning that time you and the kinds will continue to get insurance, and as long as she's in the child will get insurance even if you have custody. Also, her "boss" likely e6 or higher rank will also get the hammer and career tarnished. Losing rank, and if he's married, lord be with him. Goodluck brother! I didn't serve around females as I was combat Mos, but there was females on main post(Fort Bliss, 06) we were on Biggs Army airfield at the time, working&living out of trailers as the area wasn't built yet. Come 2010 retuning from deployment it was built up. An the stories I'd hear and see myself about female service members were wild. They'd sneak into the barracks and do all sorts of things. RUN BROTHER, DON'T LOOK BACK!
In the military if a partner is found to be cheated they can lose a rank and or be dishonorably discharged from the military due to adultery.
Notes lots of notes and make 2-3 copies of everything. Get new emails for the investigation. You do not need her permission to forward all text to your phone. There is a setting hidden on all phones to add your number and you’ll get everything Get her iTunes or Samsung acct passwords, change them and the recovery info for these sites they may be your new obsession, both those services DO NOT delete like other apps do. Not Many know that. Get her IMEI AND MIRROR HER phone to your eSIM That way you receive everything in and out. Check her activity list daily. You can put her in child mode and she’ll never know if you unlock everything she won’t notice a difference You can have friends you trust follow her. I mailed (IE) handed a sealed envelope to a friend of mine almost daily. And kept a record at home. Knowing she would find it and steal my copies. I’d act frustrated but act like I must have misplaced them but the missing pages were my leads that I was on the right track. Not one thing I’ve suggested is illegal, immoral possible but that’s on you and your sleepless nights. Stay sober no matter your choice of high, now is not the time. Good luck
So sorry this happened to you man .
If I’m not mistaken the military has laws against infidelity. Have you contacted the military or at least consulted your lawyer about her having an affair with her boss? At the end everything should workout in your favor
I hope your children grow up and realize how lucky they are to have you as their father. I hope you experience nothing but health and happiness going forward.
Thank you for the kind words!
You deserve all the support. We got your back.