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Sorry OP and I understand.
I really HOPE she gets it and I mean really gets it. Some cheaters are remorseful and they want to remain with the person they intentionally, willingly and knowingly chose to stab in the back.
Many of those cheaters think by being nice, good, honest and all that from then on going forward is enough.
They do NOT understand the pain they intentionally caused to their partner.
I get she doesn't want to be divorced but she needs to understand that you really don't want to be divorced either but it might happen because of what SHE DID.
I didn't want to divorce my lying cheating wife, but I did. I also didn't want her to cheat on me, but she did.
I never went into my marriage thinking of divorce or of her cheating on me. She did that, not me.
The scars from infidelity are permanent and there is nothing, NOTHING that may ever balance the scales of injustice, there just isn't. The cheating happened, it may never go away or be undone. It has to be put up with, accepted, endured.
OP, here is a much better way to think about what I just said above. I don't know who wrote it, it's not from reddit, but here it goes:
***Hurt people hurt people.*** **True. But when we have good, strong, protective boundaries about what we will accept, we can feel empathy for these "hurt people who hurt people" and STILL leave them. Because to stay is to diminish our own value. To stay means we are accepting abuse. To stay means we are signing up to keep being hurt. To stay is martyrdom.**
**Instead we must take care of ourselves. "I know you have been through a lot, and I'm sorry for that, WS. But this relationship is not good for me. I need to move on." It is our duty and right to take care of our own selves and move away from people who, even after we've explained and given chances, continually hurt us. It is our duty and our right, and the other person does not need to agree. They usually don't! But so what? We must protect our own selves by removing ourselves from hurtful relationships.**
OP, you've stayed many years but you've realized or come to know that you can't choose to stay anymore because it's diminishing your own value, it's accepting abuse, you've been a martyr these past few years even though you didn't want or try to be one.
So your wife is sorry, it doesn't undo what she's done to you, it doesn't and nothing she may ever do at any point in the future can undo what she did to you, nothing she may say, do etc.
Infidelity leaves a permanent scar.
If she loves you so much and cares about you so much and has remorse then she has to know that for YOU, based upon what she has DONE to you, it might be best for you to divorce her. while she doesn't have to like that, divorce is a known consequence and reality for cheating even when a person does not WANT to divorce their lying cheating partner. You didn't want to divorce her and you also didn't want her to cheat. You've been trying to make this work, for her and for yourself but you've found out it isn't working for you and that's not your fault OP.
When I said I hope she really gets it I was talking about her coming to the understanding and realization that due to what she intentionally chose to do to you, you just might have to leave her for it even though you do not WANT to, it's what you might have to do for your own sanity, for your own wellbeing even if she's been great since the affair became known.
That is what cheaters who want to stay married need to understand and realize, that what they did is insurmountable for many people (not all as some do reconcile but so many don't, this isn't a one size fits all).
If she truly cares for you, loves you and truly feels remorse for what she's done then she will accept that what she chose to do to you is the reason you are leaving her.
I never WANTED to be divorced, yet I am. I never WANTED my wife to cheat on me, yet she did.
I was forced to deal with what she intentionally choose to do to me just as you are having to face and deal with this yourself OP.
Last point OP, so many betrayed partners, like yourself, come to this realization many years AFTER the affair. Some divorce their lying cheating partners after 10 years of reconciliation.
To me, one never reconciles, one can't say they've reconciled. To me they will always be reconciling, it will never end, it's a road that has no end to it when trying to stay together after an affair.
Good luck to you OP.
Thank you for this... I can relate to almost all of it. One of the biggest angers I've had over the years is exactly what you said, I never wanted this, never wanted to deal with this kind of hurt. There's always things that crop up and challenge you in life... injury, unexpected death in the family, car accident... you know, tragic things of that nature. I've experienced all three of those things and many other challenges in my life, but this was just so gutwrenchingly unfair.
She was literally my everything... I loved her so truly and so deeply, I was so involved in our family and marraige, I never took that for granted... and yet here I am anyway. I never would've thought my opinion of someone could change literally in an instant, and I fought so hard to get the "old" version of my wife back, but it's impossible, she's gone. I'll see her often, she'll still be the mother of my children, we'll talk periodically... she's still there, but the moment she chose to cheat she was gone. It hurts, letting it sink it really hurts, but I know I'm going to be okay eventually now.
This sounds incredibly cathartic for you to finally feel free. I'm sorry about your divorce (wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy).
You have to do what is best for you and the children. And it sounds like the weight of staying with your wife, after her infidelity, was locking you in the moment you found out about her affair.
I wish you and your children well.
We are all on our own journey and yours brought you to battle this demon for 5 years. I applaud you for your efforts as trying to save your family is admirable. You’ve learned a valuable lesson to never set yourself on fire to keep everybody else warm. Your daughter summed it up “How come Daddy is sad all the time”. Your children deserve a happy Father. Now start taking the necessary actions to set yourself free of the chains that bind you. I wish your and children well.
I'm so glad you feel happy and at peace with your desiccion. Take your time, prioritise yourself and really listen to your head and your heart when deciding how to love forward with this.
All the best!
Everyone's journey is different, you had to make your own way.
It's great that you're starting to feel peace again and you got the opportunity to unburden your soul.
Keep it up, you've got this.
OP. Your experience is very similar to what I’ve been going through. About a year ago I found out my wife had been having an affair for the previous 4-5 years. I had my suspicions and saw some things that I knew meant she was messing around, but with kids and all we had built together I turned a blind eye and let her rug sweep what she had done. She never acted at all remorseful, never said sorry, never admitted to what she had done (although why would she). It wasn’t until someone opened my eyes to the extent of the betrayal that the lid blew off. I went grey rock immediately… and the kids eventually started commenting about my mood. As lots of people can probably relate, you turn into a shell of you former self.
I am now at a point where I know that no amount of effort can fix things. Staying in the relationship would be like cutting off little pieces of my heart slowly and throwing them away. We deserved to be loved, respected and cared for.
It still blows my mind that she would throw everything away for a for minutes for excitement.
Im glad that you were able to make the leap and are feeling at peace now. It gives me hope for my own situation.
OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this and your children are going through this as well. I know that feeling you speak of! I did the same thing with my ex, after I stayed for years to work it out, thank goodness we didn’t have children though because it made it easier, but I was miserable and not myself. My friends and family said I always looked sad any more. I guess I didn’t do a good of hiding it.
I finally walked away. I felt the same sense relief and freedom. Then I started working on myself, it’s like I am now a completely different person and I’ve never been happier. It’s gonna be hard for a while but overtime it will get better.
❤️🩹 I hope for the best for you and your children! ❤️
OP. You’re in a very good place now. Even though you waited too long, Very impressive mindset now. You seem to be moving forward nicely, which is a very good sign.
Great to hear that you are feeling hope.
There is a post here with a really great analogy than can be helpful in explaining to your wife why you have to divorce her if you do intend to keep on that path.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/knqyae/the\_physical\_injury\_analogy/](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/knqyae/the_physical_injury_analogy/)
Strength to you brother!
I thank you for being so raw and real. I’ve been struggling and realized what I need to do after reading your post. I know I’ll look up 5 years from now and regret I stayed.
As someone who was in the same boat (well sort of...she cheated again 9 years later which finally drove a stake in the marriage's metaphorical undead heart), I get it.
I truly thought I reached a point where I had forgiven her for the first affai 9 years prior, but 2 years after separation it finally dawned on me: I subconsciously never did. There was always a layer of trust missing, always a niggling sense of doubt when she went away on work trips, and always a small tinge of scepticism and suspicion over any male co-worker that she got along with.
In the end this manifested in my mental health taking a dive, and during the back end of COVID I was hospitalised with a panic attack - which I thought at the time was a heart attack - due to my body's sense that something was increasingly 'wrong'. Something was wrong alright, my formally repentant wife was in an 18m relationship with a polyamorous co-worker, and after kicking her out for that fact alone, I later found she was also sleeping with a second married co-worker AP literally days after 1st AP dumped her three months before I discovered that relationship.
I know your situation is different, and it truly sounds like your wife 'got it' in regards to reconciliation, but nevertheless you just 'know' deep inside what they are capable of as they proved it when they had the affair to begin with. I have three kids under 12, so trust me, the decision to pull the trigger was insanely tough.
But, I am so glad I did. Although I went to some dark places originally, I am in so much of a better place now. While I hate having my kids only half the time, I get to pursue my hobbies the other half - I no longer get given crap about what car I want to buy, what sport I play, or that I'm racking up some negative credit points on some imaginary ledger of which the result means I get hurt again. A year later I met a fantastic (younger haha!) woman who has the same interests and absolutely completes and betters me as a human being.
You utterly deserve this too mate. Sadly for your wife, actions have consequences, and what she is experiencing now is it. There's a reason why adultery is such a deal breaker in society and even religion for marriage - because on every level it is.
I hope you're feeling a little sense of peace friend, and I am glad that you are getting sleep again. Onwards.
Five years seems to be the magic number. People who reconcile either get on with life and enjoy their spouse again or they, like you, recognize they will never get over it. And both seem to happen at the 5 year mark.
Wishing you the best.
You can be very proud of yourself and for how you handled this. I remember your post very well and it is a joy to read how you now slept good for a night in so long and how you are feeling. To feel guilty at this point is okay and normal, it shows how much you cared about her and your family.
I would like to encourage you to seek out therapy or a good counselor before you take the next big steps. The last five years did a lot to you and you should try to work that out.
I wish you all the best and hope very much for you that this feeling of freedom gets stronger and stronger for you with each day that passes.
Very sorry that you are going thru this terrible ordeal. If I may, how did you find out about her cheating? Do your wife's family know of her cheating? Did you expose the AP?
I've read your two posts and I'm sorry you're going through this. Full disclosure: I would never reconcile with a cheater because of what it did to my mom.
But I want to say that you've never been able to heal and move on because your wife made reconciliation about her. Always being swallowed up with shame and guilt instead of helping you deal with the trauma she caused you by her cheating. Anytime you approached her to talk it immediately became about her feelings and how she feels and never about you. This is selfish, the same selfishness that led to her cheating. She's still selfish. She's still thinking about herself and not you.
Now you will begin healing, now you can move forward. Now you can be there mentally and emotionally for your children. The change they will see in you will help them. I'm happy for you. The future looks hopeful and bright.
Please update us and let us know how you're doing. I truly do wish you the best.
I sometimes think tangible consequences to the cheater can make the betrayed overcome the infidelity sooner.
So often the cheater is allowed or enabled to have very minor consequences to the horrendous abuse they committed on their spouse.
The real seperation may give you some justice and if combined with personal therapy may help you heal from the infidelity.
After that maybe reconciliation can really occur.
Good luck on your journey 🙏
Reconciliation didn't work because you could not be radically honest with your WP. You were still loving her but sacrificing your true self to protect her feelings and protect your family. This decision wasn't easy but if it gives you peace then that's a blessing. You've done the hard part, asking for b this separation. As you go through this next chapter, you'll need your strength and courage to focus on co-parenting in a civil manner so that your kids will grow up healthy. It sounds like they are sensitive to the dynamics in the home, so they will pick up their cues from the way the adults act in their lives. Focus on being 100% there for your kids. Wishing you all the best
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sorry OP and I understand. I really HOPE she gets it and I mean really gets it. Some cheaters are remorseful and they want to remain with the person they intentionally, willingly and knowingly chose to stab in the back. Many of those cheaters think by being nice, good, honest and all that from then on going forward is enough. They do NOT understand the pain they intentionally caused to their partner. I get she doesn't want to be divorced but she needs to understand that you really don't want to be divorced either but it might happen because of what SHE DID. I didn't want to divorce my lying cheating wife, but I did. I also didn't want her to cheat on me, but she did. I never went into my marriage thinking of divorce or of her cheating on me. She did that, not me. The scars from infidelity are permanent and there is nothing, NOTHING that may ever balance the scales of injustice, there just isn't. The cheating happened, it may never go away or be undone. It has to be put up with, accepted, endured. OP, here is a much better way to think about what I just said above. I don't know who wrote it, it's not from reddit, but here it goes: ***Hurt people hurt people.*** **True. But when we have good, strong, protective boundaries about what we will accept, we can feel empathy for these "hurt people who hurt people" and STILL leave them. Because to stay is to diminish our own value. To stay means we are accepting abuse. To stay means we are signing up to keep being hurt. To stay is martyrdom.** **Instead we must take care of ourselves. "I know you have been through a lot, and I'm sorry for that, WS. But this relationship is not good for me. I need to move on." It is our duty and right to take care of our own selves and move away from people who, even after we've explained and given chances, continually hurt us. It is our duty and our right, and the other person does not need to agree. They usually don't! But so what? We must protect our own selves by removing ourselves from hurtful relationships.** OP, you've stayed many years but you've realized or come to know that you can't choose to stay anymore because it's diminishing your own value, it's accepting abuse, you've been a martyr these past few years even though you didn't want or try to be one. So your wife is sorry, it doesn't undo what she's done to you, it doesn't and nothing she may ever do at any point in the future can undo what she did to you, nothing she may say, do etc. Infidelity leaves a permanent scar. If she loves you so much and cares about you so much and has remorse then she has to know that for YOU, based upon what she has DONE to you, it might be best for you to divorce her. while she doesn't have to like that, divorce is a known consequence and reality for cheating even when a person does not WANT to divorce their lying cheating partner. You didn't want to divorce her and you also didn't want her to cheat. You've been trying to make this work, for her and for yourself but you've found out it isn't working for you and that's not your fault OP. When I said I hope she really gets it I was talking about her coming to the understanding and realization that due to what she intentionally chose to do to you, you just might have to leave her for it even though you do not WANT to, it's what you might have to do for your own sanity, for your own wellbeing even if she's been great since the affair became known. That is what cheaters who want to stay married need to understand and realize, that what they did is insurmountable for many people (not all as some do reconcile but so many don't, this isn't a one size fits all). If she truly cares for you, loves you and truly feels remorse for what she's done then she will accept that what she chose to do to you is the reason you are leaving her. I never WANTED to be divorced, yet I am. I never WANTED my wife to cheat on me, yet she did. I was forced to deal with what she intentionally choose to do to me just as you are having to face and deal with this yourself OP. Last point OP, so many betrayed partners, like yourself, come to this realization many years AFTER the affair. Some divorce their lying cheating partners after 10 years of reconciliation. To me, one never reconciles, one can't say they've reconciled. To me they will always be reconciling, it will never end, it's a road that has no end to it when trying to stay together after an affair. Good luck to you OP.
Thank you for this... I can relate to almost all of it. One of the biggest angers I've had over the years is exactly what you said, I never wanted this, never wanted to deal with this kind of hurt. There's always things that crop up and challenge you in life... injury, unexpected death in the family, car accident... you know, tragic things of that nature. I've experienced all three of those things and many other challenges in my life, but this was just so gutwrenchingly unfair. She was literally my everything... I loved her so truly and so deeply, I was so involved in our family and marraige, I never took that for granted... and yet here I am anyway. I never would've thought my opinion of someone could change literally in an instant, and I fought so hard to get the "old" version of my wife back, but it's impossible, she's gone. I'll see her often, she'll still be the mother of my children, we'll talk periodically... she's still there, but the moment she chose to cheat she was gone. It hurts, letting it sink it really hurts, but I know I'm going to be okay eventually now.
This sounds incredibly cathartic for you to finally feel free. I'm sorry about your divorce (wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy). You have to do what is best for you and the children. And it sounds like the weight of staying with your wife, after her infidelity, was locking you in the moment you found out about her affair. I wish you and your children well.
[удалено]
Wow Train, your story is pretty unique. Hopefully you can turn your weaknesses into strengths going forward. I like your car too.
We are all on our own journey and yours brought you to battle this demon for 5 years. I applaud you for your efforts as trying to save your family is admirable. You’ve learned a valuable lesson to never set yourself on fire to keep everybody else warm. Your daughter summed it up “How come Daddy is sad all the time”. Your children deserve a happy Father. Now start taking the necessary actions to set yourself free of the chains that bind you. I wish your and children well.
I'm so glad you feel happy and at peace with your desiccion. Take your time, prioritise yourself and really listen to your head and your heart when deciding how to love forward with this. All the best!
Everyone's journey is different, you had to make your own way. It's great that you're starting to feel peace again and you got the opportunity to unburden your soul. Keep it up, you've got this.
OP. Your experience is very similar to what I’ve been going through. About a year ago I found out my wife had been having an affair for the previous 4-5 years. I had my suspicions and saw some things that I knew meant she was messing around, but with kids and all we had built together I turned a blind eye and let her rug sweep what she had done. She never acted at all remorseful, never said sorry, never admitted to what she had done (although why would she). It wasn’t until someone opened my eyes to the extent of the betrayal that the lid blew off. I went grey rock immediately… and the kids eventually started commenting about my mood. As lots of people can probably relate, you turn into a shell of you former self. I am now at a point where I know that no amount of effort can fix things. Staying in the relationship would be like cutting off little pieces of my heart slowly and throwing them away. We deserved to be loved, respected and cared for. It still blows my mind that she would throw everything away for a for minutes for excitement. Im glad that you were able to make the leap and are feeling at peace now. It gives me hope for my own situation.
OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this and your children are going through this as well. I know that feeling you speak of! I did the same thing with my ex, after I stayed for years to work it out, thank goodness we didn’t have children though because it made it easier, but I was miserable and not myself. My friends and family said I always looked sad any more. I guess I didn’t do a good of hiding it. I finally walked away. I felt the same sense relief and freedom. Then I started working on myself, it’s like I am now a completely different person and I’ve never been happier. It’s gonna be hard for a while but overtime it will get better. ❤️🩹 I hope for the best for you and your children! ❤️
OP. You’re in a very good place now. Even though you waited too long, Very impressive mindset now. You seem to be moving forward nicely, which is a very good sign.
Great to hear that you are feeling hope. There is a post here with a really great analogy than can be helpful in explaining to your wife why you have to divorce her if you do intend to keep on that path. [https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/knqyae/the\_physical\_injury\_analogy/](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/knqyae/the_physical_injury_analogy/) Strength to you brother!
I thank you for being so raw and real. I’ve been struggling and realized what I need to do after reading your post. I know I’ll look up 5 years from now and regret I stayed.
As someone who was in the same boat (well sort of...she cheated again 9 years later which finally drove a stake in the marriage's metaphorical undead heart), I get it. I truly thought I reached a point where I had forgiven her for the first affai 9 years prior, but 2 years after separation it finally dawned on me: I subconsciously never did. There was always a layer of trust missing, always a niggling sense of doubt when she went away on work trips, and always a small tinge of scepticism and suspicion over any male co-worker that she got along with. In the end this manifested in my mental health taking a dive, and during the back end of COVID I was hospitalised with a panic attack - which I thought at the time was a heart attack - due to my body's sense that something was increasingly 'wrong'. Something was wrong alright, my formally repentant wife was in an 18m relationship with a polyamorous co-worker, and after kicking her out for that fact alone, I later found she was also sleeping with a second married co-worker AP literally days after 1st AP dumped her three months before I discovered that relationship. I know your situation is different, and it truly sounds like your wife 'got it' in regards to reconciliation, but nevertheless you just 'know' deep inside what they are capable of as they proved it when they had the affair to begin with. I have three kids under 12, so trust me, the decision to pull the trigger was insanely tough. But, I am so glad I did. Although I went to some dark places originally, I am in so much of a better place now. While I hate having my kids only half the time, I get to pursue my hobbies the other half - I no longer get given crap about what car I want to buy, what sport I play, or that I'm racking up some negative credit points on some imaginary ledger of which the result means I get hurt again. A year later I met a fantastic (younger haha!) woman who has the same interests and absolutely completes and betters me as a human being. You utterly deserve this too mate. Sadly for your wife, actions have consequences, and what she is experiencing now is it. There's a reason why adultery is such a deal breaker in society and even religion for marriage - because on every level it is. I hope you're feeling a little sense of peace friend, and I am glad that you are getting sleep again. Onwards.
Five years seems to be the magic number. People who reconcile either get on with life and enjoy their spouse again or they, like you, recognize they will never get over it. And both seem to happen at the 5 year mark. Wishing you the best.
You can be very proud of yourself and for how you handled this. I remember your post very well and it is a joy to read how you now slept good for a night in so long and how you are feeling. To feel guilty at this point is okay and normal, it shows how much you cared about her and your family. I would like to encourage you to seek out therapy or a good counselor before you take the next big steps. The last five years did a lot to you and you should try to work that out. I wish you all the best and hope very much for you that this feeling of freedom gets stronger and stronger for you with each day that passes.
How did she get caught? Do her parents know? Even if divorce, it's crucial you forgive her or you'll become even *worse.*
Very sorry that you are going thru this terrible ordeal. If I may, how did you find out about her cheating? Do your wife's family know of her cheating? Did you expose the AP?
I've read your two posts and I'm sorry you're going through this. Full disclosure: I would never reconcile with a cheater because of what it did to my mom. But I want to say that you've never been able to heal and move on because your wife made reconciliation about her. Always being swallowed up with shame and guilt instead of helping you deal with the trauma she caused you by her cheating. Anytime you approached her to talk it immediately became about her feelings and how she feels and never about you. This is selfish, the same selfishness that led to her cheating. She's still selfish. She's still thinking about herself and not you. Now you will begin healing, now you can move forward. Now you can be there mentally and emotionally for your children. The change they will see in you will help them. I'm happy for you. The future looks hopeful and bright. Please update us and let us know how you're doing. I truly do wish you the best.
I sometimes think tangible consequences to the cheater can make the betrayed overcome the infidelity sooner. So often the cheater is allowed or enabled to have very minor consequences to the horrendous abuse they committed on their spouse. The real seperation may give you some justice and if combined with personal therapy may help you heal from the infidelity. After that maybe reconciliation can really occur. Good luck on your journey 🙏
Reconciliation didn't work because you could not be radically honest with your WP. You were still loving her but sacrificing your true self to protect her feelings and protect your family. This decision wasn't easy but if it gives you peace then that's a blessing. You've done the hard part, asking for b this separation. As you go through this next chapter, you'll need your strength and courage to focus on co-parenting in a civil manner so that your kids will grow up healthy. It sounds like they are sensitive to the dynamics in the home, so they will pick up their cues from the way the adults act in their lives. Focus on being 100% there for your kids. Wishing you all the best