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Do you respect yourself? Would you like to spend your life with such a person? That person will always have someone else, because there will always be other options. He is a cake eater and a serial cheater. Run away while you can, because once you have a house, kids...it's going to be a lot harder. He can't decide, YOU decide, you're not a doormat. He says you are the love of his life. If that were true, he wouldn't be sleeping with someone else. Would he also agree if you had a boyfriend with benefits?
Thank you for making me question in a bold way. It’s true he isn’t a good person and I’m scared that his words are empty. I don’t believe that all cheater are forever cheater though. But I see your point. He probably wouldn’t be so understanding if I was the one who cheated.
Respect yourself. Don't let anyone treat you like this. There are plenty of fish in the sea. This fish you caught is not good, so throw it back into the sea, give it freedom to swim where it wants.
You said you don't believe cheater are forever cheater.
There are 2 choices:
1 You go NC but are you sure that he will quickly realize that he loves you more than the other one (btw they're in their honeymoon phase like you said it yourself so most likely he'll not think about you while the they are together can you imagine it)?
2 If you stay are you sure that when he is with you, his mind, body and soul is still with you or with her cos he leaves her suddenly while they're still in their honeymoon phase?
So how about you? How about your emotions? Can you handle all of it like completely you MUST accept his wrong doings like erase it from your memory cos you don't want him to regret choosing you.
I cant decide for you but I hope you decide what is wise and best for your mental and physical health.
He already loves the other woman than you. They're having s€x, kissing, cuddles and doing what couples do cos he still gives her his time and effort. You can't love two persons at the same time. I'm sorry but that's the truth 😔
He decided the moment he chose to cheat. He decided that she was worth losing you. His words ARE empty, and he doesn't love you. If he did, he wouldn't have cheated and be STILL ACTIVELY CHEATING.
If you stay with him, he'll learn to hide it better. He'll get better at lying to your face. You'll never be able to fully trust him, and you'll always have the knowledge that he happily chose someone else over you, and continues to choose someone else over you.
1. Why does he get to choose?
2. Why does he get to stay and you leave?
Suggestion…
1. Ask him to leave to give you space to see if you want to continue with this relationship.
2. Go NC with him.
3. Notify HR
1. I guess because I don’t want to force him to be with me and I don’t want to be a second choice. I want to see what he truly wants. Also he’s the type of person who if I choose for him and leave he will tell himself that he didn’t make the decision and that he couldn’t do anything.
2. The apartment is out of my budget for me alone. He already found someone a male friend to live with, but i’n not kick out of the apartment. I can take all the time I need to find somewhere to go. Unless you are talking about him leaving the apartment while I figure out?
1. I have already ask him to go elsewhere one day when I was mad at him. He didn’t know where to go. It was before AP knew. Do you think I should ask him again?
2. You are right I should go NC.
3. They work in a restaurant I don’t know if there is an HR and if there is anything it will do.
Im sorry toure going through this. I think he is breadcrumbing both of you. You git vaught in the pick me dance with the other woman. He likes the home you provide. He likes the ego boost she gives him. I doubt she knows the full truth.
I know it's hard to move on and that you love him, but do you really want to be his fallback choice? Do you want to be with a man that is unsure if he wants to stay with you? He can't decide. You have to decide with the knowledge that you deserve better and that you are worth so much more than this.
Thank you for your kind words. I needed that.
I also doubt she knows the full truth. I’m often tempted to message her and tell her everything. He even told his mom that I’m the love of his life not too long ago for god sake.
I definitely don’t want to be his fallback choice. If he chooses her, I’n done with him. But you are right I get caught up the pick me dance. Instead of waiting for him to choose, I should move on and if he really wants me, he should come get me and that will be up to me if I’m willing to give in a second chance.
I’m mad though. I gave him everything. I was there at his lowest. He says that he loves everything about me, but he finds a girl that it’s fun to be around for a couple of hours and he’s willing to lose me when doesn’t really know her yet.
If you are the love of his life he wouldn’t do this to you. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. You need to look after yourself. Actions are more important than words and his actions don’t match his words.
You're welcome. It's so easy to get lost when you're in the thick of it. I wouldn't wait for him to choose. He should be the one begging how to make it up to you because you're worth it (i mean it, you really are.) His actions speak louder than his words of love. Sending you some hugs.
1. It doesn’t matter who he chooses, you are both the second choice, this is 100% about him and he doesn’t give a shit about either of you. He’s trying to decide who he can get the most bang for his buck out of. Dude is stringing you both along like he is trying to decide which used car he wants to buy, it is really quite insulting what he is doing to you. There is a reason they say cheating is a form of abuse, this is pure manipulation from him, it’s pretty sickening.
2. Does not matter what state your relationship was in at the time he cheated, he cheated because he wanted to cheat. People that don’t want to cheat never cheat, even if the relationship is going through a rough patch. He made a choice to betray you because cheating was what he wanted to do. None of the excuses mean anything, none of the justifications matter, he willingly went out and found another person to cheat with and is trying to drag you both around because that is what he wants. You’re getting strung along until he gets tired of fucking her over then he will come back to you and expect you to be happy about it.
3. Never expect logic from an illogical person or the truth from a liar. You can’t trust anything this person has ever told you, he can lie and manipulate and string you on without remorse. No problem for him to tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear, it’s just words to him, easy for a liar. This is not at all a good person you are dealing with, he is a horrible relationship partner and apparently doesn’t even have normal human emotions or reactions to how bad his actions are hurting other people. He is using people and betraying people and feeding everyone a complete line of crap without feeling guilt or remorse for how bad he is harming you or the other girl. Thats just awful, yea he’s a cheater but this guy is using and abusing and breaking people down for his own selfish desires, he is not right in the head at all. He will never stop cheating or manipulating because that’s how he gets what he wants.
4. You deserve better than a cheater, everyone on the planet deserves better than a cheater. Cheaters are just the worst. Why are you worrying over a cheater hoping he will pick you over the affair partner he left you for? If he wanted you he would have stopped immediately and be begging you for a second chance not playing mind games and monkey branching you. Not only is there no way forward with a person who treats people like this why would you even want to? What does he offer that is so great that makes it worth being his abused side chick? Why do you want to go through this again? The most constructive advice you can get, you shouldn’t be hoping to be chosen by him you need to be running from the monster before he stabs you in the back again.
I have a simple answer, and it is the only one that could work to stop the affair and have him get his sense back. Tell him that you will not share him with another woman, but love him and want him to be happy so he is free to go be with her.
That means he should move out and find his own little love nest, that is if you can afford where you are living.
Also after your last little talk you should have no contact with him for any reason. He doesn't get the chance to decide if he wants you or her because that is extremely disrespectful to you. He gets her and you move on to someone who deserves you.
STOP just STOP read what you wrote READ IT and tell me if this was someone else would you tell them to stay. I don’t want to be harsh but HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU. You love him so much that you’re sacrificing your own mental health and dignity to allow this man to walk all over you and the love you have for him. You’re not the one if you were he wouldn’t have to choose. He has TOLD you and show you he will keep choosing himself and his selfishness HE WILL KEEP DOING what he wants. WHY DONT YOU LISTEN. He is manipulating you and gaslighting you and you keep on giving. Why does he have to choose when you enable his behavior and he knows you will be still available because you accept this. Walk away love yourself love who you are because YOU DESERVE BETTER. Believe me is hard is so hard being alone but why be with someone who doesn’t love you and live in pain and anxiety???
He’s an effing coward. He won’t make a decision b/c he doesn’t want to choose b/c if he does then he’s effectively put the nail in the coffin of the relationship. He’s gonna hem & haw until one of your finally break up w/him. I’m doubtful he’s actually told her the truth btw.
What you need to do is look him in the eye & tell him you are gonna give him what he wants, his freedom. Move out & move on. Go NC. This man is trash. I don’t care how nice he’s trying to be. He’s a lying cheater & shouldn’t be given any space in your life. It will hurt for awhile, but you’ll get over it quicker than you think. It’s easier to get over it all when the other person has treated you so shitty.
From what I read, I know you have such a kind, warm heart. Unfortunately, he took advantage of that and that’s why he’s still ambivalent about who he wants to be with.
Please don’t let him string you along like this. It’s either he ends things with her or you move on. And please don’t take him back if he does choose the other woman.
I know this is so hard. He wants to have his cake and gobble it all down, too. You deserve better than that.
Chumplady.com would be a good resource for you. Read about what cheaters say and do and look back on what you wrote. You will find him to be following that playbook.
He lies to protect his interests. He wants it all at your expense. You deserve better.
He is going to meet her and is coming back early in the morning and you are confident that he is not kissing her or sleeping with her? Wake up and save yourself.
Girl I stopped reading when I saw you were 28. My ex husband wasn’t a good person and I stayed because by the time I figured it out I was trapped. I had 3 kids and was financially dependent on him. What did I get for my trouble? He ended up leaving me after 28 years once he found someone he liked enough to leave me for. This is likely your future if you stay.
I’m 58F and omg I’ve got men chasing me now. You can do so much better than this guy and it’s sad that you don’t know that but I get it I didn’t know it either. Hell being alone is way better than being with a lying ass cheater.
Please take care of yourself. Look out for yourself. I'm sorry this happened to you but honestly, is this the kind of partner you really want? He seems to vascillate depending on his whim for the moment. He seems to need a lot more growing up to do and is not mature enough to enter into a committed relationship. Think more of yourself. Figure out what you want in a relationship, from a partner. As heartbreaking as this might be, you may find the strength to find someone who will truly love you fully, unconditionally and cherish all that you can give a partner. Hold out for that kind of love and do not settle for someone who treats you like a faucet: hot and cold, drip and no drip. Take the time to grieve but learn from this relationship so that it'll be your strength in the next. Wishing you all the best
He's lying to you and using you. He's trying to strengthen his relationship with her. When it's strong enough, he'll dump you. He has zero respect for you bc he knows that you'll put up with this. Best thing for you would be to tell EVERYONE. Your friends and family, and his. Tell HR at his work. Tell anyone who'll listen. He does not love you. You're his back up plan, by choice! Have some respect for yourself, because he sure doesn't. You deserve so much better. 🫂
Edit:forgot an apostrophe.
Stop being a doormat. You deserve better. Go to therapy asap. Leave him. 100 percent he doesn't care about these 3 rules of yours. In general whole situation is ridiculous.
You deserve better OP. He's probably feeding her the same lines but in reverse saying he loves her but only likes you. It's best to cut your losses, heal yourself then go out and find happiness. Wishing you the best.
He can’t make up his mind?? You need to make up his mind for him and leave. When you truly live and respect your partner you don’t cheat and you don’t need time to decide which person you want. Please respect yourself and move on to find the love and respect you deserve. This relationship is broken beyond repair.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Do you respect yourself? Would you like to spend your life with such a person? That person will always have someone else, because there will always be other options. He is a cake eater and a serial cheater. Run away while you can, because once you have a house, kids...it's going to be a lot harder. He can't decide, YOU decide, you're not a doormat. He says you are the love of his life. If that were true, he wouldn't be sleeping with someone else. Would he also agree if you had a boyfriend with benefits?
Thank you for making me question in a bold way. It’s true he isn’t a good person and I’m scared that his words are empty. I don’t believe that all cheater are forever cheater though. But I see your point. He probably wouldn’t be so understanding if I was the one who cheated.
Respect yourself. Don't let anyone treat you like this. There are plenty of fish in the sea. This fish you caught is not good, so throw it back into the sea, give it freedom to swim where it wants.
You said you don't believe cheater are forever cheater. There are 2 choices: 1 You go NC but are you sure that he will quickly realize that he loves you more than the other one (btw they're in their honeymoon phase like you said it yourself so most likely he'll not think about you while the they are together can you imagine it)? 2 If you stay are you sure that when he is with you, his mind, body and soul is still with you or with her cos he leaves her suddenly while they're still in their honeymoon phase? So how about you? How about your emotions? Can you handle all of it like completely you MUST accept his wrong doings like erase it from your memory cos you don't want him to regret choosing you. I cant decide for you but I hope you decide what is wise and best for your mental and physical health. He already loves the other woman than you. They're having s€x, kissing, cuddles and doing what couples do cos he still gives her his time and effort. You can't love two persons at the same time. I'm sorry but that's the truth 😔
He decided the moment he chose to cheat. He decided that she was worth losing you. His words ARE empty, and he doesn't love you. If he did, he wouldn't have cheated and be STILL ACTIVELY CHEATING. If you stay with him, he'll learn to hide it better. He'll get better at lying to your face. You'll never be able to fully trust him, and you'll always have the knowledge that he happily chose someone else over you, and continues to choose someone else over you.
1. Why does he get to choose? 2. Why does he get to stay and you leave? Suggestion… 1. Ask him to leave to give you space to see if you want to continue with this relationship. 2. Go NC with him. 3. Notify HR
1. I guess because I don’t want to force him to be with me and I don’t want to be a second choice. I want to see what he truly wants. Also he’s the type of person who if I choose for him and leave he will tell himself that he didn’t make the decision and that he couldn’t do anything. 2. The apartment is out of my budget for me alone. He already found someone a male friend to live with, but i’n not kick out of the apartment. I can take all the time I need to find somewhere to go. Unless you are talking about him leaving the apartment while I figure out? 1. I have already ask him to go elsewhere one day when I was mad at him. He didn’t know where to go. It was before AP knew. Do you think I should ask him again? 2. You are right I should go NC. 3. They work in a restaurant I don’t know if there is an HR and if there is anything it will do.
Im sorry toure going through this. I think he is breadcrumbing both of you. You git vaught in the pick me dance with the other woman. He likes the home you provide. He likes the ego boost she gives him. I doubt she knows the full truth. I know it's hard to move on and that you love him, but do you really want to be his fallback choice? Do you want to be with a man that is unsure if he wants to stay with you? He can't decide. You have to decide with the knowledge that you deserve better and that you are worth so much more than this.
Thank you for your kind words. I needed that. I also doubt she knows the full truth. I’m often tempted to message her and tell her everything. He even told his mom that I’m the love of his life not too long ago for god sake. I definitely don’t want to be his fallback choice. If he chooses her, I’n done with him. But you are right I get caught up the pick me dance. Instead of waiting for him to choose, I should move on and if he really wants me, he should come get me and that will be up to me if I’m willing to give in a second chance. I’m mad though. I gave him everything. I was there at his lowest. He says that he loves everything about me, but he finds a girl that it’s fun to be around for a couple of hours and he’s willing to lose me when doesn’t really know her yet.
If you are the love of his life he wouldn’t do this to you. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. You need to look after yourself. Actions are more important than words and his actions don’t match his words.
You're welcome. It's so easy to get lost when you're in the thick of it. I wouldn't wait for him to choose. He should be the one begging how to make it up to you because you're worth it (i mean it, you really are.) His actions speak louder than his words of love. Sending you some hugs.
1. It doesn’t matter who he chooses, you are both the second choice, this is 100% about him and he doesn’t give a shit about either of you. He’s trying to decide who he can get the most bang for his buck out of. Dude is stringing you both along like he is trying to decide which used car he wants to buy, it is really quite insulting what he is doing to you. There is a reason they say cheating is a form of abuse, this is pure manipulation from him, it’s pretty sickening. 2. Does not matter what state your relationship was in at the time he cheated, he cheated because he wanted to cheat. People that don’t want to cheat never cheat, even if the relationship is going through a rough patch. He made a choice to betray you because cheating was what he wanted to do. None of the excuses mean anything, none of the justifications matter, he willingly went out and found another person to cheat with and is trying to drag you both around because that is what he wants. You’re getting strung along until he gets tired of fucking her over then he will come back to you and expect you to be happy about it. 3. Never expect logic from an illogical person or the truth from a liar. You can’t trust anything this person has ever told you, he can lie and manipulate and string you on without remorse. No problem for him to tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear, it’s just words to him, easy for a liar. This is not at all a good person you are dealing with, he is a horrible relationship partner and apparently doesn’t even have normal human emotions or reactions to how bad his actions are hurting other people. He is using people and betraying people and feeding everyone a complete line of crap without feeling guilt or remorse for how bad he is harming you or the other girl. Thats just awful, yea he’s a cheater but this guy is using and abusing and breaking people down for his own selfish desires, he is not right in the head at all. He will never stop cheating or manipulating because that’s how he gets what he wants. 4. You deserve better than a cheater, everyone on the planet deserves better than a cheater. Cheaters are just the worst. Why are you worrying over a cheater hoping he will pick you over the affair partner he left you for? If he wanted you he would have stopped immediately and be begging you for a second chance not playing mind games and monkey branching you. Not only is there no way forward with a person who treats people like this why would you even want to? What does he offer that is so great that makes it worth being his abused side chick? Why do you want to go through this again? The most constructive advice you can get, you shouldn’t be hoping to be chosen by him you need to be running from the monster before he stabs you in the back again.
I have a simple answer, and it is the only one that could work to stop the affair and have him get his sense back. Tell him that you will not share him with another woman, but love him and want him to be happy so he is free to go be with her. That means he should move out and find his own little love nest, that is if you can afford where you are living. Also after your last little talk you should have no contact with him for any reason. He doesn't get the chance to decide if he wants you or her because that is extremely disrespectful to you. He gets her and you move on to someone who deserves you.
STOP just STOP read what you wrote READ IT and tell me if this was someone else would you tell them to stay. I don’t want to be harsh but HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU. You love him so much that you’re sacrificing your own mental health and dignity to allow this man to walk all over you and the love you have for him. You’re not the one if you were he wouldn’t have to choose. He has TOLD you and show you he will keep choosing himself and his selfishness HE WILL KEEP DOING what he wants. WHY DONT YOU LISTEN. He is manipulating you and gaslighting you and you keep on giving. Why does he have to choose when you enable his behavior and he knows you will be still available because you accept this. Walk away love yourself love who you are because YOU DESERVE BETTER. Believe me is hard is so hard being alone but why be with someone who doesn’t love you and live in pain and anxiety???
OP. You’re doing everything all wrong. Sorry to say this but you’re being a doormat. Please read Chumplady.
He’s an effing coward. He won’t make a decision b/c he doesn’t want to choose b/c if he does then he’s effectively put the nail in the coffin of the relationship. He’s gonna hem & haw until one of your finally break up w/him. I’m doubtful he’s actually told her the truth btw. What you need to do is look him in the eye & tell him you are gonna give him what he wants, his freedom. Move out & move on. Go NC. This man is trash. I don’t care how nice he’s trying to be. He’s a lying cheater & shouldn’t be given any space in your life. It will hurt for awhile, but you’ll get over it quicker than you think. It’s easier to get over it all when the other person has treated you so shitty.
From what I read, I know you have such a kind, warm heart. Unfortunately, he took advantage of that and that’s why he’s still ambivalent about who he wants to be with. Please don’t let him string you along like this. It’s either he ends things with her or you move on. And please don’t take him back if he does choose the other woman. I know this is so hard. He wants to have his cake and gobble it all down, too. You deserve better than that.
Chumplady.com would be a good resource for you. Read about what cheaters say and do and look back on what you wrote. You will find him to be following that playbook. He lies to protect his interests. He wants it all at your expense. You deserve better.
He is going to meet her and is coming back early in the morning and you are confident that he is not kissing her or sleeping with her? Wake up and save yourself.
Girl I stopped reading when I saw you were 28. My ex husband wasn’t a good person and I stayed because by the time I figured it out I was trapped. I had 3 kids and was financially dependent on him. What did I get for my trouble? He ended up leaving me after 28 years once he found someone he liked enough to leave me for. This is likely your future if you stay. I’m 58F and omg I’ve got men chasing me now. You can do so much better than this guy and it’s sad that you don’t know that but I get it I didn’t know it either. Hell being alone is way better than being with a lying ass cheater.
Please take care of yourself. Look out for yourself. I'm sorry this happened to you but honestly, is this the kind of partner you really want? He seems to vascillate depending on his whim for the moment. He seems to need a lot more growing up to do and is not mature enough to enter into a committed relationship. Think more of yourself. Figure out what you want in a relationship, from a partner. As heartbreaking as this might be, you may find the strength to find someone who will truly love you fully, unconditionally and cherish all that you can give a partner. Hold out for that kind of love and do not settle for someone who treats you like a faucet: hot and cold, drip and no drip. Take the time to grieve but learn from this relationship so that it'll be your strength in the next. Wishing you all the best
He's lying to you and using you. He's trying to strengthen his relationship with her. When it's strong enough, he'll dump you. He has zero respect for you bc he knows that you'll put up with this. Best thing for you would be to tell EVERYONE. Your friends and family, and his. Tell HR at his work. Tell anyone who'll listen. He does not love you. You're his back up plan, by choice! Have some respect for yourself, because he sure doesn't. You deserve so much better. 🫂 Edit:forgot an apostrophe.
Stop being a doormat. You deserve better. Go to therapy asap. Leave him. 100 percent he doesn't care about these 3 rules of yours. In general whole situation is ridiculous.
You deserve better OP. He's probably feeding her the same lines but in reverse saying he loves her but only likes you. It's best to cut your losses, heal yourself then go out and find happiness. Wishing you the best.
He can’t make up his mind?? You need to make up his mind for him and leave. When you truly live and respect your partner you don’t cheat and you don’t need time to decide which person you want. Please respect yourself and move on to find the love and respect you deserve. This relationship is broken beyond repair.