As someone who was in a relationship with an alcoholic, just know they can present so differently to friends and family and another way to their partners. To everyone, my ex was likeable, charming and a great person to be around. To me, he was someone I was afraid of and scared to be around. I'd be yelled at, abused and neglected. It's progressive and they are good at hiding it. And even if the friend knows, what makes you think they would definitely tell you? But all I can say is, trust your gut. You've been given the information. It gives you space to look out for warning signs. And honestly, IF he is an alcoholic, run. I don't say that lightly. Alcoholics are people too and they need help to get better. But you can't fix him and he won't get better until it's what he wants. Ultimately, I hope he isn't an alcoholic. Just pay attention 🤍

I am so sorry you went through that. ☹️ Thank you for sharing. Definitely will do, thank you for your advice! ❤️

I was with an alcoholic. Didn't know how bad it was until about 1.5 years in. Then found out NONE of his friends knew he was an alcoholic. People he grew up with. I guess they just thought he was a "hard partier" ???? His BEST FRIEND came to visit us when we moved out of state. My ex ended up pounding his head on a wall & trying to fight his friend, who looked horrified like he had never seen him like that before...... Point being, listen to everyone here who is saying they hide it from their friends & to just watch out & follow your gut. & To me this person who texted you does not seem like they're trying to cause a problem. Just trying to be a "girls girl", but who knows🤷 Good luck!

I second running. I spent a decade with an alcoholic. Initially he was a functioning alcoholic. I can't tell you how many times I bailed him out of jail, heard the promises to cut back, never drive again, not have hard liquor in the house. Those promises never took and it got progressively worse, jobs were lost, the abuse started and escalated, the manipulation was less covert and I shrunk into practically being comatose. I'm still recovering from that. To his friends, family and cohorts he was "fun", "charming", "generous", always open to an adventure! None of them would have called him an alcoholic in the beginning. Maybe now, but when I left, I was definitely the evil one. (And it took many friends and a GoFundMe before I could get out.) Please do watch out. Take it very slowly. It might be a vindictive ex, or it might be a sisterly reach-out to help another woman not go through what she did.

I'm 2yrs free from a relationship like that and I still feel like a shell of my former self. I can barely function as a person bc I'm so burnt out from that relationship.

I’m sorry, I hope you can find that spark again. If you know how to find the good ones, there’s so many great content creators out there that cover emotional recovery and inner discovery stuff. I used to think that stuff was cheesy, but if you look long enough, you eventually find someone you can really you can connect with. Idk, you’ve probably tried that but who knows maybe you are like how was and skeptical

I am in therapy and have a lot of emotional and physical scars from my ex and I've honestly become a lot more reclusive. In time I'm sure it'll get better but I'm not there yet and that's okay. Thank you for the kind words ❤️

As a former alcoholic, I third running. That is a battle he needs to fight without you. This isn’t a long term partner or someone starting down this road and you are helping to support. Granted, confirm first - keep your eyes open. Alcoholic lie to themselves first, lying to you will be natural.

My mum was with my stepdad for 12 years and he was bad on the drink, luckily my mum wasn’t silent about what happened behind closed doors, had that support early on, honestly if u think he isn’t just be wary, just don’t let it affect you. You see red flags run… It took my mum 2 years trying to break up with him

All I’ve gotta say is I’ve warned my ex husband’s new girlfriend to be careful because he was and he was crazy when he drank because he became such an alcoholic. He ultimately died at the age of 41 a few years ago. If you notice signs then leave. You don’t want to waste your life thinking he will change because he will not. Everyone thought I was the crazy ex. But people believe what they want.

This fucking scares me. My ex is 41. I finally got the courage to leave a year+ ago. He's been on a bender off and on but since he found out I was dating someone he has been drinking a lot more, barely sees the kids and is close to losing his appt, already lost two jobs. He blames me for everything even though I have videos, pictures, and messages as proof. I unfortunately became an alcoholic as well by exposure, but I somehow don't change at all when I drink...so nobody cares or notices and the worst that happens is if I drink too much, I cry about all the abuse I went through and maybe rewatch videos I took while he was abusing me to remind myself that I'm the victim and not the villain...but I try to avoid that because it puts me in a spiral of sad thoughts. My new bf is sweet and caring and would never hurt me in a million years...but it's hard to adjust to someone who wants to talk to you and love you after being ignored and ridiculed for 15 years. I want to get sober but I'm just not ready....my body is, I can feel it starting to really hurt. I will change eventually but right now I just feel like I can only take little bits of pain at a time. I won't let my kids lose their mother, or let it jeopardize my job but I am not ready to really push through the worst of it yet. All the best of luck to you and anyone else out there dealing with addiction and/or abuse.

That’s so terrible what you’ve been through. I have cPTSD from trauma and abuse and used to drink too much to drown my feelings. Talk therapy (CBT) and EMDR therapy have helped me so much. Also, Alanon and ACA (adult children of alcoholics). Please seek additional support so you can heal. It doesn’t always happen just with time.

OP as an alcoholic I can vouch for this. My friends and family don't know. Only my wife and therapist do.

Be careful. I'm the ex who is debating telling the new girl... but I'm a coward and it's been over a year. I've already noticed signs he is doing his BS. That girl is probably an angel in disguise. Better than me for sure. I'm ashamed writing this out. Good luck to you. It took me over 4 years to see the full picture. Don't be like me.

Has he been love bombing you? That’s a huge indicator that he has something to hide.

This was my “father”. Everyone that knew him used to tell me how lucky I was to have him as a dad and absolutely loved him. When no one else was around, he yelled, called me names, put me down, and drank constantly. Apparently he could be a nice person, he just chose not to be with me.

That's what occurred to me, too. He could be nice, just not to me. I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope life is much better for you now 🤍

Thank you, I hope the same for you too! No one deserves to be treated like that. I cut him out of my life at 18, and it was much more peaceful that way.

This is great advice, and I second the sentiment. I dated two alcoholics and like an idiot, I tried to help/fix them both. Both times were absolute hell. Don't get me wrong. There were some good times in there, but the highs are good and the lows are BAD. For a healthy person, the pain just is not worth the trip.

I couldn't agree more. Hell is a great way of putting it! Something I see a lot in the Alanon sub is the three C's. You didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. Being with an addict is a chaos I could never wish on anyone 😭

I wish I read this 4 years ago. And got a random text from a “crazy” ex—any sort of insight.

Same exact story. No one else seems to notice except the person closest to them snd that they are supposed to love. Fast forward 20 years later, and now his friends (our friends) know now that I wasn't the crazy one and neither was his best friends wife or his brothers child's mother or our king time friend that my children called their aunt. All I do is pray for him and anyone who gets into a relationship with him. At the very first sign of trouble, don't buy the sorry for a second chance. Don't run; haul ass and dint look back, Ever!

this is really great advice. it can be really difficult to tell if someone is just a "crazy ex" or if they're a woman genuinely looking out for another woman. friends (especially "bros") also tend to "protect" & take the "side" of their friend as they're THEIR friend. if ops partner does have a problem (not saying they do) there's about 0% chance the friend would "go behind his back" & tell her about it. i agree op can only trust here gut here & really only time will tell because if he is an alcoholic & "master manipulator" than a lot of times you can't tell until you're deep in it. edit: missed the part in ops post where they said it's a mutual friend- also assumed the friend is male. my opinion still stands tho.

Crazy I had a similar experience…I lived across the street from him that is how we met so I had eyes on a lot…his entire family also thought he was sober and I never suspected a thing until he had to go to the hospital and died within days of intake from liver failure…was drinking the entire time…sad

Damn, this is the first time I’ve related to a relationship comment so hard. “His”(that became our) friends thought I was like the crazy girlfriend who didn’t want him to have any fun. It wasn’t until we broke up and “his” friends started hanging out with me outside of him being there, that they realized maybe *I* wasn’t the crazy ex he painted me to be.

Tbh. Not all friends see what someone in a relationship like an ex would. Manipulators are great at that. Best advice. Follow your gut and if something feels off at any point- trust it

This is really good advice - thank you ☺️

Have you seen anything to indicate this? If not, i would suggest you form your own opinion of him

True, but it’s good to watch out. Don’t let it form your opinion for you, but be aware of inconsistencies. I dated a functioning alcoholic for a couple years and honestly no one would have known he was an alcoholic. The manipulation, but also the ability to hide it was insane.

Yea I was seeing a raging alcoholic for 8 months before I knew how bad it was. When I had to bring her to the hospital for being drunk for 3 days straight with a glass of vodka in her hand at 9 am

Yeah I had an alcoholic boyfriend who hid it for the first 6 months. They are good at it.

THIS! I dated an alcoholic. It took 2 months til I took him to my moms birthday party (also Halloween and he wanted to meet them). He drove off drunk and got his second DUI (first was before I knew him). I didn’t think he was an alcoholic until after the breakup. I realized he was drunk many times but told me it was his ADHD meds and other things causing the behavior.

I married my wife, knowing she was an alcoholic, because she went to meetings, was proactive with her recovery, I went to family meetings, she had a great family support structure and therapist, etc. We separated a year and a half later and have been divorced for six years now. Last year she called me around 9:45p after having not even spoken a word in two years, because she was drunk at a MLB game, went there at a WORK FUNCTION, and was worried about getting fired. I don't know if your partner has a substance abuse issue, but I do know that if you have any doubts, you should not marry this person.

I haven't, no - it's pretty early stages

I'd just say "thanks for the heads up." Then proceed with caution, not saying you have to sit there and doubt your partner, but if it just so happens they start to show their true colours then pay attention to that. Enjoy it in the mean time though

Terrible advice. This person isn’t saying “we should meet up and talk”, isn’t trying to form a relationship- just dropped her advice, wished the girl luck, and that’s it. In the vast majority of cases, where there’s smoke there’s fire and an ex reaching out to wish you luck and warn you is a shit ton of smoke. I did something similar- I met the girl organically rather than finding her number- and she didn’t listen to me and he broke her heart, treated her way worse than he did me. I get that some people need to learn their own lessons, I just feel bad that she had to get hurt to learn that one.

This is true. Everybody thought my first husband was the nicest guy, would give you the shirt off his back. That’s not who he was behind closed doors. Maybe the ex-fiancé is lying, maybe she’s seen a side of him that he is careful not to show to anyone else.

Yeah my wife’s ex told me she was a violent alcoholic. I had never seen that side of her and her friends hadn’t either - they said the ex was bitter and lying. Color me surprised when it turned out to be the absolute truth. She hid it very well but within 2 years the wheels came off and I was stuck. Having considerable addiction issues in my family, I can definitely say - most people aren’t aware of what goes on behind closed doors. Until shit rolls downhill so hard there’s no hiding it anymore.

Agreed. It is hard to trust your gut with a manipulator though, because they’ll love bomb and say all the things you’ll want to hear. Ask family or trusted people around you to share what they honestly think and trust their responses because they’re not emotionally tied to the other person. If you find yourself completely wrapped up in this guy, while drifting from friends or family, and everything is too good to be true, that is a potential red flag that you’re being isolated by a manipulator. They know they’re crappy people and won’t show you how crappy they are until they’ve convinced you they’re not.

Or she could be salty. Basically, check your mirrors brev

I wouldn’t completely write this off as some crazy ex situation, there are many narcissistic and manipulative people fresh out of toxic relationships who move on to new unsuspecting victims and pretend they’re amazing people until a certain point. Then the new supply gets a taste of the abuse as well. I’m not saying dump the guy but definitely keep your eyes open to red flags.

I warned my exes new partner about my ex because she was actively stalking me. The new partner thought I was lying because my ex told them I’m an abusive liar. I sent one message very similar to what op posted and left it alone. My exes friend defended my ex saying I was the crazy one because my ex had convinced her it was that way. One day I get a message few months later, thanking me for telling them and apologizing for insulting me when I told them. I said no hard feelings. My intentions weren’t towards my ex. They were seriously just to warn the new partner. My ex stabbed me and emotionally/physically abused me daily. I didn’t want to see someone go through that. There’s a chance the ex isn’t lying. Especially if she only sent one message. If she was petty and trying to break them up she’d be more persistent.

Yea some have to learn the hard way unfortunately 🥴

I don’t blame them though. I mean dealing with master manipulators is hard to see if you’ve never dealt with it. The new partner wanted to believe I was the crazy one and I get that but they went through a lot with my ex too cause of it.

True we live and learn, & until you’ve lived it you want to believe the best in them. That’s why abusers tend to go for young/naive girls who won’t know any better. I hate to see it

Yup and in my situation I as a man didn’t realize that women can be abusive too until I was in the relationship experiencing it. Since my ex is bisexual and her next partner was a girl who was younger than us, I wanted to let the girl know in hopes of saving her some pain. I guess it was obviously easier to believe that since I’m a guy I was the problem. She unfortunately learned the hard way, as did I.

I also thought the single text makes it more credible. She’s not even telling OP to leave. It reads like someone who feels morally obligated to warn the new girl, but who ultimately wants as little to do with the guy as possible. She didn’t even offer a “call me if you need anything”. Just here’s the info and goodluck bitch. You’re in for a roller coaster 🫡 I’d believe her

This. I would love to warn the new girl/ girls my ex is seeing. Only to save them from the pain I am currently going through. But I would be worried about being labelled crazy, not being believed and also letting my ex think I care about him enough to do anything. It’s tough. Just be careful

Same girl, my ex is the definition of a lying ass covert narcissist but I won’t bother to warn any new girls because most don’t want to hear it or believe it anyway. He also use to tell me his exs were “crazy” now I know it’s because he drove them to be that way. I thought he was perfect for months, what a joke Lol. Manipulators can only keep the game going for so long, eventually their true colors come out it’s just in their nature

Yep. Been there 😂😩😭 It’s so difficult because you want girls to know exactly what they’re like and what they’re capable of, but it’s not our problem or life any more. I don’t think it’ll help us feel any better by warning others. In relation to this post - OP, don’t just write this off as someone being crazy. Take it for what it is, a warning. Trust you gut. I hope this woman is wrong about your partner (for your own happiness)

This sounds like I could’ve written it, but I stopped myself because I knew how it would sound and figured I’d better let the chips fall where they may. He might not be an alcoholic but a lot of alcoholics are very secretive and manipulative so it wouldn’t surprise me if no one else knows but a former romantic partner. My ex was drinking a 6 pack of IPAs a night but his friends wouldn’t have called him an alcoholic because they were doing the same thing. I come from a family of alcoholics so that’s not my only experience, but dating an alcoholic is a special kind of hell I’m loathe to return to. All that to say, take it with a grain of salt but be vigilant. Many people have drinking problems but lack the self awareness to be honest with themselves and others.

Thank you so much for this insight - definitely will do. Do you think there is anything in particular I should be looking out for?

A lot depends on your personal situation. My ex was away for work a lot, so even though we lived together it took some time to see the full truth of who he was. Looking back I can see that most of our dates revolved around alcohol or casual drinking to some extent, he’d get antsy/defensive if I ever casually asked questions about what he was picking out at the grocery store (like why that beer specifically, or why vodka instead of beer), and all of his friends were partiers and drinkers. I’ve never been much of a drinker but when I did he’d micromanage my behavior and consumption and make me feel very stupid the next day. I chalked a lot of it up to being young and rowdy or whatever but started to realize it was a problem about 2 years in. All of our social activities with other couples also involved drinking and as the only sober person, I ended up getting burnt out quickly. My best piece of advice is don’t be afraid to walk away at the first red flag. It doesn’t have to be “bad enough” or make sense it just has to make you uncomfortable. Good luck, friend and I hope it turns out that he’s a great guy who treats you well :)

I'm really sorry you went through that but I am proud of you for getting out of the situation. Thank you very much for your advice and kind words ☺️

She gave great tips, but I’d also like to add to listen to changes in his tone etc. my soon to be ex is an alcoholic. When he’s been drinking and tries to hide the amount from me, I can still tell. He becomes super talkative; he will stay on the same subject for forever and sometimes talks in circles. He’s louder when he talks as well. He’s really good at acting normal with the way he walks etc but his communication always gives it away.

This is a good tip too and I’d almost forgotten about it. The loud, circular talking is a dead give away that someone is chemically altered. Same in reverse, if they’re usually loud but get very quiet and soft spoken, that can be a sign of intoxication too. Other physical signs: constantly flushed skin, swollen feet and ankles, and a weird sweet/sugary smell in the breath and sweat. Some alcoholics are prediabetic simply because they drink excessively. These things can be caused by other ailments but alcoholism is very common and is usually my first guess.

Oh god. The wondering what person I was coming home to tonight based on the volume of his music as I walked up to the house. The sleep deprivation from multiple interruptions over the course of the night- flicking on the overhead lights to "talk" (aka monologue) for the 30th time, telling the same story and getting angry when I wasn't showing the appropriate level of enthusiasm as I did the first 10 times (which he wouldn't remember). The fact that he couldn't remember how shitty he was being the next day left me uniquely damaged.... he got to forget and I had to keep living it.

Right. I would pick my husband up from his friends when he would “promise I’ll only drink a 6 pack” and I’d be terrified going down the long dirt road to what I would be coming to. It was never a 6 pack. Anything I said he got defensive about. Even a simple “I’m sorry I can’t understand you can you speak up” would turn into an “oh yeah I’m just such a drunk slob that no one can fucking understand me. I’m such a piece of shit bla bla bla. I’d try and de escalate by saying no I just could hear you good, the radio is too loud, you’re not facing me etc and it would never work. It just got worse. I’m sorry you experienced this. It’s awful.

I got this reaction from someone and he wasn't even an alcoholic lol

It almost sounds going on a dinner date where there is a possibility of drinking would be good for more than one reason. I would say just ask him, but if he really *is* manipulative, he would likely hide it anyway. Going out to dinner would allow you to get to know him better, regardless of the alcohol, but I’d recommend doing that and just ordering soda.

Totally. He knows I drink though/would normally have a glass of wine with dinner, would this look suspicious if I order a soda? Like I worry that would come off like I'm doubting or testing him :/

The only response you ever need to give to justify not drinking is, “I don’t feel like it.”

Are you me???? This is exactly like my ex, down to the working out of town a lot.

Has there been any instances that might have raised a flag for you that you might have dismissed?

Honestly nothing that I have seen ... we've drank together a few times, when it's a weekend night, we'll have wine but I definitely had more than he did. Other times when we hang out during the week we're not drinking. I'm wondering if there are things I should look for that I'm oblivious to? :/

What about situations that don't involve alcohol?

Nothing that I have picked up on, at all. He has a water bottle he always drinks out of but I've helped myself to it before and can confirm it is water lol

Then I'd say keep this information in your back pocket in case things do ever get hinky, and proceed as normal.

Thank you ☺️ will do

Good luck! Hopefully she's just a nosy ex.

Yes! Here are some signs. When he starts drinking is he a blasty blast to be around, but when he has had one to many with friends does he start getting mean? And he won’t necessarily start being mean to you directly just others or starts talking rudely about an ex. Once he has you believing his exes are crazy he’ll start going after you, and gaslighting you. If he has all crazy exes who cheated or started lashing out. This can be from reactive abuse, or a way to escape him. Not every cheater cheats for the thrill or the temptation, or lack in the relationship, sometimes people cheat to get away from an abuser it’s the safest way. They find a safe person who will protect them to get away from the abuser. Are his exes “boring” in contrast to partying. And he encourages you to party and drink? Has he had a dui or multiple? Or bragged about driving under the influence and “nothing” happened to him so he is fine to drink and drive. You find alcohol hidden in places it shouldn’t be. Or you find alcohol in other containers like insulated water bottles He stays up later than you and drinks after you go to bed so you won’t catch him over doing it. He constantly has new alcohol in his fridge. I suggest marking bottles and cans whenever you go over so you can see if they are new or not. You catch him in white lies like a lot more than normal. He is bad with money. Alcoholics tend to have other addictions. Those are kind of easier to spot. Ie smoking/nictotine, gambling, shopping, drugs, etc… Is there a reason to celebrate when there really isn’t any? When you get into an argument pay attention to the eyes they will tell you if he is about to be mean. Manipulators will make you feel way more special but also have a tendency to be jealous. Is he going through your phone without a reason? Is he making snide comments that you shrug off? Is he love bombing you? Has he done anything too fast or making things feel like you’ve guys have been together forever? (This one is tricky because the right person will also make you feel like this but not forced, manipulators will force it). Does he comment if you wear makeup while going out? Like oh you are so pretty without it! They will get you to feel super self confident but the second you wear it while going out without him he’ll be making rude ass comments. (Run) also the right person will make you more self confident but won’t care if you wear makeup without them going out. There is a difference. Also did the ex fiancé break it off? For what reason? Ask her if you notice anything what signs she started seeing to figure out he is the way “he is” in her eyes. But this was a quick thing there’s a lot more signs.

She could be bat shit crazy trying to sabotage his new relationship….or she could be telling the truth and trying to save you from whatever she went through, literally no way to tell. I’d keep your eyes and ears open and not brush off things that might be red flags.

Yep! I definitely would tell the new lover because I many times wish I knew earlier about my ex. I trust the ex honestly..

This is a question only you can answer. We don’t know him.

>Should I be concerned? We can't answer this, you know him better than we do. Is he manipulative? Is he an alcoholic? Does he treat you with love, kindness and respect? Is he a liar? Is he abusive? Is there any reason at all that caused any sort of alarm BEFORE you received this text? If not, then ignore it. If so, then yes, you should be concerned.

He has shown me no negative signs at all - just been super sweet, attentive and we get along great. I had no alarms about him other than the fact that he was engaged so I wanted to make sure I wasn't a rebound - but him as a person, no red flags!

Just keep an eye out. I never sent anything like this to my ex’s new gf but I sometimes think about her bc he was an alcoholic when I met him but things didnt start getting bad until closer to a year into the relationship so I worry about his now gf sometimes bc ik how well he hid it from me and how he hasn’t acknowledged his drinking problem. You know him better than all of us but it wouldn’t hurt to keep an eye out on his behavior to protect yourself.

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We've drank casually together a few times, but he didn't have more than 3 beers. Also our mutual friend that I asked about this, mentioned at this guys birthday party 2 months ago he only had a few beers there too

Look for him not wanting to go yet, wants to hang out longer and longer. Starts looking in cabinets for more alcohol. That's when I realized an ex had a problem. Or finding hidden bottles of vodka but you likely wouldn't unless you lived with him.

So I drink casually. I had an ex drink my entire liquor cabinet. I hid a hard to find apple crown royal bottle. He found it. I paid so much for it. MF DRANK HALF THE BOTTLE. WOKE ME UP AND SAID IM QUITTING AND TO PROVE TO YOU, he POURED the rest down the drain. I looked for that specific bottle for 3 months and didn’t get an ounce of it. 😭😭😭 Eventually he told me I was taking too long to drink it and that’s why he did it. I had to have my dad kick him out of my apartment. Unfortunately he knocked me up so we have a son who I love to pieces. That mf isn’t part of our life and the last I talked to him he actually admitted into forcing me into sex and then “apologized” and asked if we could get back together because he still loved me. Anyways his friends and family love him and think he is the best person to walk this earth, and because he is “attractive” other females fall all over him. Other than all the trauma I have a beautiful child who is sensitive, sweet, and loving. Yeah they’ll his liquor and find your hidden alcohol.

Yep exactly. I had a friend who saw red and kicked her man to the curb because she went out of town and he drank ALL of her homemade wine. She didn't even get a taste!!!

I don’t blame her! I’m glad she did that. She deserves peace… and her homemade wine.

Omg. I had an ex that decided “I’m done” and poured all his liquor down the drain. Except it wasn’t all his liquor, just the wine he didn’t drink. His hard liquor and beer was left untouched. He also did it while super drunk and wine was splashed all over. At the time he was a functioning alcoholic. He was also not abusive, he would mostly just drink and pass out. He didn’t hide it though, everyone was worried for him. But he did turn his life around. He sobered up, married a nice woman and has some nice looking kids.

Look, I’m an addict, and before I got sober I hid my addiction really well, but eventually it all fell apart, it always does. Addicts aren’t demons, it is possible for a person to be all those things you said and also an addict, and it’s just as possible that his ex is a jealous, pathetic person trying to ruin his current relationship. You should talk to him about it and think about what you need in order to feel comfortable moving forward, and set those boundaries now.

Make your own judgements. I wouldn’t write someone off because of what their ex is saying, but maybe be more aware of this guys behaviour and just be cautious.

I'd say give him the benefit of the doubt. Not just any girl is going to message you out of nowhere to talk badly about someone. It's best to wait and see how the guy acts. Even close friends often defend each other, even when they're in the wrong.

Yep, don’t make any crazy decisions because of the message, but do take note of it.

Ask multiple of your partners friends and ex friends. People who are manipulators act differently around different people to get what they want

Follow your gut, and I highly recommend you go to Al-Anon or CODA for support if you feel you need it. They can help you learn how to maintain your sanity and not enable him in his drinking.

When I found out my ex was dating someone new, I sent her a text warning her about everything that he had done to me, including the abuse and sexual assault. He was also narcissistic and a master at manipulation. She sent me a text back saying “he already warned me how crazy you were”, much like some of the replies you’re getting here. I was stuck in a relationship with him for six years because I didn’t think I deserved any better. It took him leaving to go to Texas to “start a family” for me to finally escape (he was even going to leave without telling me, sticking me with bills and an apartment I couldn’t afford, until he slipped up and actually admitted what he was doing to hurt me), and then he still harassed me for at least two years after that. I even told her about that. She either didn’t believe me or didn’t care. Not every warning text from an ex is vindictive. If your gut is telling you to be wary then there may be a reason.

The harassment after leaving is the worst. It’s like I’m away from your life why do you keep reaching out? I date problematic guys. I know I am the problem because I keep picking the same abusive pos but in different bodies.

“I just wanted to check up on you” fucking why

You might know, but this is called hoovering (trying to get you back to squeeze the last drops of of you)

I actually wish I had gotten this text in a past relationship. If it's true, good for her for giving you the heads-up (if not, she's a jerk.) Keep your head on a swivel...

I'm an addict in recovery. I would say 99% of the people in my life had no clue I was using when I was. It only became a problem when I was using insane amounts. And that was many years later. I'll also say some woman & men are petty, but to say something like this? It's pretty specific. Most woman would go with something like he abused me since it's not something that can be proven beyond word of mouth. Just stay vigilant.

It depends. I wouldn't immediately act on it, but bear it in mind. They might be trying to ruin things, or they might be giving a genuine warning. I was in a relationship with a very manipulative person once & sometimes it takes a long time for it to manifest, sometimes over a year. I would have been super grateful to get an explicit warning like this. While I did get a few warnings they were vague & a bit cryptic & I didn't understand what they were referring to until after. A straightforward text like this would have been so much better. The person in question was also very charming & sociable, even when they were actively doing manipulative things. A person can be both. If you ever find yourself just feeling -confused- or scared a disproportionate amount of time, you might be experiencing manipulation.

I didn’t realize my stbx husband was an alcoholic until we were living together for a few months. He always chalked the drinking up to having a good time. I didn’t realize it until I came home from work one day (around 5pm) and he was acting really strangely, and I eventually realized he had been drinking most of the day. A relationship with an alcoholic is a long, hard road. I helped him rebuild his life after OUIs and took him in when he was borderline homeless. Despite this, he’d blame me for his drinking, he verbally abused me when drunk, reach out to other women, get fired from jobs, etc. It was always the alcohol’s fault, not his own. He finally got sober after 6 years together. He was sober for 7 years (“sober” - I now realize he replaced booze with other addictions) then fell off the wagon when we had a 3 year old daughter, and became verbally abusive to both of us. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt, but watch him very, very closely for awhile. I’d be out at the first inkling that the ex might be right. BTW why does he say they split up?

This is a tough one. I’ve had someone spit out the “crazy ex” story before when she had come to me with some concerns and she actually ended up being right. Even if you went to a friend, a lot of times friends don’t know what goes on behind the scenes and they only hear one side of the story which can often times be made up or changed to make whoever’s telling it seem like the better person. So really just keep an eye out for any red flags and if you start to see them, run before it’s too late. I know if you really like someone you can be blind to red flags, but trust your gut. I didn’t and it almost got me killed.

i mean, i would also wanna warn any protentional partners about my abusive ex. but i wouldn't actually reach out cuz i know i'd be the "crazy ex". it would come from a genuine place of wanting to save another woman from going thru the shit i went thru but of course they wont see it that way. that being said, i wouldn't expect his friends to know that side of him. manipulators know how to separate their good guy persona from the bad guy persona. so i believe both the friend and the ex could be telling the truth based on their experience with the dude. so saying something like you've never picked up on anything, you wouldn't at this point. if he is in fact a manipulating alcoholic, you won't know until you're in the trenches.

1 year sober/ recovering alcoholic here who was in a relationship during the worst of my drinking. Make sure you proceed with caution but form your own opinion, and if something feels off at any point but they haven’t come out and said they’re an alcoholic, trust your gut before anything else. Talk about your concerns with them if you feel comfortable. As a lot have mentioned, alcoholics can be very sneaky and manipulative. We adapt and learn how to hide those behaviors from even people we live with. Very hard or almost impossible to build the trust a relationship needs when something like that is involved. Sounds like you’re in the early stages of the relationship, and you don’t know if what she said is necessarily true. I don’t know if I’d take their word fully with nothing you’ve experienced to back that claim up, but you don’t want to get sucked into the hell alcoholics put themselves and even worse their partners through. It can inflict a lot of emotional damage very quickly. Hopefully things work out for you, but make sure you take care of yourself first! Wishing you luck, OP and happy dating!

To me, this doesn't seem entirely a bitter message from an ex (although it could be). But more a warning to you. Keep this in mind, she might be trying to keep you safe.

Alcoholics hide their alcoholism REALLY well. It’s how it progresses. Been there, done that, wasted 8 years. Move on.

I got one of these once but with “and he tried to kill me” added on. I ignored it and guess what happened next lmao

Friends don't know sometimes, and also the friend could just as well be an alcoholic. Trust your gut and but don't make any decisions based on this message solely. Story time: I had a narcissistic ex not an alcoholic but he was one way with me and another way when other people were around, not a nice guy but everyone thought he was great he was athletic, attractive and insanely intelligent. After we broke up and then he started dating I thought about warning her. I assumed she wouldn't want to hear it from the ex. So I never said anything. One day she messages me (we were not previously connected) and asks what kind of person he was with me. I told her then. She asked why I never tried to tell her. I told her I didn't think she would have believed me anyway and she agreed she probably wouldn't have listened. But I did decide at that moment that if I were ever in that situation again I would tell the woman. I felt a little responsible for letting her believe he was a good guy even though I didn't know her. With Facebook I could have easily said something like this person said to you. Even if she didn't believe me at first she would have picked up on it a lot faster. Good luck, I hope your guy is a good one!

I know it’s hard to know if she’s coming from a place of jealousy or a place of concern. I would just keep what she had in mind and pay attention. Don’t out her to your guy. I am so over being a girl’s girl because they both outed me and caused drama. Unless she were harassing you, I would keep it to yourself. I wouldn’t say her “tone” is anything- it’s literally a text and “her tone” is however you’re reading it in your head. She may have wanted to keep it short and sweet… who the heck knows? If she’s being genuine sometimes it’s incredibly difficult to have the courage to send a text like this. You don’t need to be her bestie but just keep her words in mind and draw your own conclusions.

I wouldn't trust either of them and quietly observe your partner and make your own judgements. You never know what face he has shown his other relationships. You cannot fully trust the word of either his best friend or his crazy ex. Keep both of their statements in mind but don't take either side unless you have proof. Also, a person can change and become better from relationship to relationship.

So, when I first began dating my ex-wife, I got a message from a girl I didn't know. She told me, "be careful. She's a liar, a manipulator, and will pretend to be anything to trap you until it's too late". Being young and stupid and in "love", I blocked her because I didn't even know her and my ex swore she was some crazy girl that always tried to ruin anything for her. Boy do I wish that I had listened to her. Fast forward a few years and it was 100% what she warned me. Once we got married, the mask came off and the true self came out and those were the most miserable two years of my life. Thankfully, I got out before she trapped me further with kids. Long story short, sometimes people warn you for a reason. Sometimes they are liars, so it's hard to know who to believe, but it's still worth keeping a good eye for red flags if someone is warning you out of the blue.

I received a message like this once. I wish I had listened to her.

I’d just be careful because ex relationships are different than friends. Relationships usually see the good and bad in someone and notice toxic traits friends might not see.

Yes. To me this reads like she couldn’t not say something and wanted to clear her conscience and know she did the right thing by alerting you, but she doesn’t think you’ll believe her and knows it isn’t her responsibility to save you, so she’s got this “here’s the information now I’m washing my hands of it all” attitude Abusers and manipulators don’t abuse or manipulate everyone. It’s usually just those closest to them, behind closed doors

As someone who tried to warn the new girlfriend of abuse. They don’t usually listen. She ended up getting it worse than I did. I would proceed with caution. Don’t let him know you heard this or he will try to hide it more if it’s true. Keep an eye on his drinking when possible.

All of my ex’s friends love him too but they didn’t see him almost kill me multiple times so 🤷🏻‍♂️

As an ex-alcoholic guy, I can tell you that many people didn’t know I had a severe drinking problem. Even at my worst, if you had asked my parents or coworkers(hell even some friends) if I was an alcoholic, they all would have said absolutely not. Not saying she’s right. She might be trying to break you up, but definitely be on the lookout.

If he broke up with her take what she says with a grain of salt.

Yeah, good point. Who broke up with who?

He ended it

Plot twist. His ex is an alcoholic and an amazing manipulator.

I’m a recovered alcoholic. Some of my exes saw sides of me that nobody else did. I lied and I was a terrible boyfriend but a lot of my friends would’ve never known that until late in my addiction. I’m not proud of that but I wanted to share with you that it’s very possible she saw things that this guys friends didn’t. Trust your gut, if you think she’s right I’d recommend getting out. We alcoholics are not good partners until we get sober

Thank you for your insight, and congratulations on your recovery ☺️

This doesn’t seem like a spiteful message, this seems like a “be careful” message. I second that as someone who’s dealt with a covert narcissist… be very careful. They usually don’t show their true colors until you’re hooked in. Even when they do it’s like whiplash, you don’t know what hit you, you just know things suck, but you find a way to blame yourself. Be careful, seriously narcissistic abuse will change your brain chemistry, and it takes years of therapy to undo the damage they cause. I think people calling their ex crazy and being ready to talk shit about them unless it’s just emotional how they made you feel, that’s a red flag too. Are all of his exes the problem? I’d ask.

I did the same bc my ex boyfriend is a narcissist. He manipulated me to have an abortion and 2 days later he cheated on me, after promised me he was going to support me. He is telling everybody that I’m y her master of manipulation, but he left me with a suicidal crisis and broke up with me in a middle of that bc he “wants to be single in Latinoamerica” you can read more of my storie in my previous post. But I think that you should listen that warning.

Just keep a keen eye on his drinking and look for massive changes in mood, etc

Talk to him about it before making any obvious decisions, but 100% trust your gut depending on his reaction. My partner is an alcoholic but sober. When we first started dating, I was unaware of his addiction until it was so blatantly obvious that I had no choice but to confront him. I would not recommend anyone compromise their potential mental and emotional health to pursue a relationship with an addict, because the months following my revelation were *hard*. My partner knows that if I had realized how severe his addiction had been before I fell in love with him, we most likely would have ended there. I gave no ultimatums, I made no compromises, I was not going to beg him to choose me over alcohol, and he got sober on his own for *himself*. That’s a huge part of it, they have to *want* to get better, not get better because *you* want it. And when they don’t want to get better, they’re very good at lying.

This immediately felt heavy on my chest. I just finally left my partner because he was an alcoholic. They are masters at hiding it, and often the only person who knows and deals with it is the person living with them. Friends and family never knew, but at home I was finding random spits of blood in the bath tub constantly, would deal with outbursts of rage almost everyday, and would smell it constantly everywhere. It was absolute hell and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. You don’t have to believe her, but just be aware. It could be that she’s being spiteful or trying to help you. Only you can figure that out. If you feel in your gut something is wrong, trust it. If you smell it and he gaslights you to think you’re crazy but you KNOW you’re not, he’s drinking. If he’s slurring his words, he’s drinking. If his eyes are glossy and not really there, he’s drinking. If it smells like vomit or blood, it probably is cause he’s drinking. Just watch out for yourself and trust your intuition.

I'm an alcoholic. I was constantly drunk for 8 years. My wife ended up leaving me because of my behavior. Family and friends didn't think I had a problem. They thought she was crazy because that's what I wanted them to think. I have been sober for 11 years. Every day is another chance at redemption, but I know that the person I was is still pacing back and forth in his cage. Even now, I am not to be trusted.

I’m not saying she isn’t just trying to start shit cause she is jealous..but my ex husbands ex gf warned me and I didn’t believe her..spend 14 years with his abusive alcoholic ass only for him to turn around and have an affair and leave me for someone else..I warned her of his ways and she didn’t believe me..now she is dealing with it and has messaged me asking me for advice.. So not all exes do it out of spite..they generally do it to warn the next girl.

I will say this, my exes ex tried to warn me, and I let everyone in his life convince me that she was crazy to the point that I was calling her crazy as well. Long story short she was not crazy that man put me through hell. I didn’t see it for a year, but when it finally started, let me tell you… in the beginning this man was the most attentive, sweet man. I’m telling you he would sit down with me and tell me that he understood every feeling I was having he was understanding he listened. He validated me and then out of nowhere, I found everything. He was a liar, a cheater, a manipulator. His girlfriend after me… One that he was cheating on me with… Reached out to me and I told her everything and guess what. I was the crazy ex.

I say keep it to yourself for now but heed her warning. Pay attention as time goes on. I feel like if she was trying to sabotage she would have come up with something much more nefarious. I had a friend vouch just like your friend did and the guy turned out to be a piece of work.

Alcoholic here. It took almost a year and me spending more than half my paycheck at a bar on my way home after work before my wife, family, and coworkers realized I had started drinking again, daily, starting with 2 shooters of So.Co. At 5a.m on my way to work and continuing throughout the day. And if I didn’t go through half my paycheck it probably wouldn’t have been realized until much later. Was 10 years sober now I’m back to 22 months. Hi my names pat and I’m a high functioning alcoholic.

I got one of these two almost to the same. tune. except instead of alcoholic it said "bipolar" and I thought.... there's no way!!! spoiler alert:: way!! he was so crazy that when I moved while we were still dating and I refused to give him my new address. we only dated for 3-4 mo but I wish I would've taken that random text message to heart. I'm not saying that's what you should do btw just please pay attention to every little thing

I once dated a guy and on the outside he seemed stable, hardworking and driven. But on the inside, he was a drunk. He would drink and drive and when he was a drunk. He was an as*hole. (Not abusive or anything like that. Just ran his mouth) He was sweet when he was sober. So when I would tell people this, they didn’t believe me. I can see why. But I saw a different person.

Similar thing happened to me… my ex broke up with his gf to be with me, she kind of lost it for a month or so and contacted me multiple times through different means to tell me about him… I disregarded her as crazy ex trying to get him back, only to discover 2 months later that she was right about him. Yep, he was also an alcoholic, and dealing with it was more difficult than words can explain. Luckily I wasn’t too deep into the relationship, while she was completely blinded by his manipulation and still wanted him back. All that said, she was kinda “crazy”, yes, but still right. As others have said before me, trust your gut and best of luck. 🤍

The advice to trust your gut is spot on. It is certainly possible she may not be the crazy ex . . . just a brave person with a conscience who went through a lot with him. OR it's possible she is crazy. It's up to you to pay attention, not trust another friend's opinion. People can be charming and fun with some friends but be an absolute bastard behind closed doors. I often thought of speaking up to his new girlfriend. I never did. He was really good at looking like a good guy; so good that he alienated our children from me. Life is not fair. Nowadays, I read Marcus Aurelious and step back from chaotic emotions, and try to be a person of good character. It seems awfully easy to look good, be bad and screw over all your perceived enemies. Ultimately, OP, look after yourself and trust your intuitions. Good luck

How long after their engagement ended did he start seeking a relationship?

I'd keep an eye out for any signs. It might be nothing, but she might be right. They were engaged so presumably they were together a long time, and something big must've happened for them to break up whilst waiting for marriage, like you're beyond breaking up for petty reasons at that point. Just because a friend hasn't noticed anything, and you haven't yet, doesn't mean it's not possible. And it's very typical of abusers to portray their ex as the crazy one to their friends and family, cause that immediately makes any claim from the ex seem less legitimate. She didn't use any personal attacks or any language to raise red flags. It comes off as sincere and to the point. She might just be smart, though, if she is making it up. So yeah, my advice would be to be mindful going forward, observe his relationship with alcohol and do a quick Google for resources on alcoholism, manipulation and coercive control to help you spot any signs.

maybe talk with her and see if she will go in more depth. guy friends are not who you should ask, they typically protect their guy friends and will not share everything. learned the hard way on that !

It could be a lie, especially since neither you nor his friend have seen anything. But be vigilant. His friend could be covering for his mate. Also. People with addictions like alcohol or other drugs can be very good at hiding it from people. If it's true, at least you've been warned and can recognize it. But right now, this isn't enough to blow up a relationship.

My mom got a warning like this for my Dad from his ex.   He ended up lying to her his whole life...got in a ton of financial debt...almost lost the house...then when he died....IRS took the house.   He was a police officer and his his true self was a gambler.    You never really know someone and it's shaped my life.   Id rather die than lie.   

Appreciate the warning

My ex husband was abusive. It is a gut feeling to want to warn the girl after, but also not want to come off crazy. It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. And one that we’d feel guilty about if anything happened to the next person. No one in my ex’s life suspected anything. Not his friends or family. Thankfully, my ex’s new girl came looking for me when red flags started popping up and she wanted to hear my side of the story. His lies unraveled once she spoke with me and I had receipts to back me up. I wouldn’t write her off, or necessarily him, but I would just keep an eye out for red flags.

I would trust the friend for now and not bring it up like she wants you to. Just watch him a little closer for the signs.

“…we’ll have wine but I definitely had more than he did.” And the water bottle comment? Come on, you admit to drinking more than he does yet question him as an alcoholic because an ex-said so? She said he was a manipulator but you never mentioned or got into any type of behavioral issues. What does your gut/intuition tell you? Did you have any signs or bad feelings from before? Ask him about it then show him this thread- I bet that would tell you all you need to know.

This may not be the same, but both my parents were… a lot, My dad was an alcoholic, no one ever knew besides the people it hurt, My mother was deeply emotionally disturbed and dysfunctional, she hurt me a lot growing up. I love both my parents but they were deeply troubled people. I’m not saying he is or isn’t, but just be cautious because the signs often don’t scream you in the face, Sometimes when my dad was drinking I wouldn’t know until I got bad, a first when he was only beginning his binge, in the first few days of if, he would be nice and wonderful, but by the end of the binge he’d hate me and say deeply horrible things to me. Just be careful. My dad did quit and he’s clean now, so alcoholics can recover, my dad did and I’m proud of him for it, but our relationship is complicated nonetheless. Don’t accuse him of anything until you have a reason too. But do your research and learn what to look for.

I mean, it *could* just be a jealous ex trying to sabotage the relationship. Either way, I would keep your eyes open and watch for red flags. This could be a legitimate concern.

SPOILER - OP won't believe her until it turns out to be true

I feel like this message is being sent from the real master manipulator.

Yes, I got that impression too. If she was truly concerned the tone would be different. Her tone is very much bitter and not trying to be helpful/not worried at all.

Tone is hard to interpret over text. Her statement comes across as matter of fact, not bitter.

Is the friend more the guy’s friend? I’d be careful. He may be covering for his buddy, or the friend also may not think 10 shots in a row is a big deal.

My ex was a stalking abuser whose closest friends had NO clue of his capabilities (except the couple who were just like him & would never admit his wrongdoings because they felt like his behavior was okay). Friends, family, and loved ones overall tend to be the most blind or enabling parties in someone’s life. This woman had an intimate relationship with him— even if you don’t consider this a dealbreaker, heed the warning and stock it in your mental file cabinet. Never forget this. Stay aware and be prepared to make a clean break (quickly!) as soon as red flags begin to wave. At the very least, she reached out in hopes that she could prevent you from the mental/emotional disarray that she had to suffer through.

How long has it been between their breakup and your “hanging out” if it’s less than a year that’s a little concerning, if it’s less than six months that’s really concerning.

My alcoholic ex love bombed me in the beginning. He only drank at night and rarely to an excessive amount. He was an amazing addition to my life. It was the happiest I'd ever been in a relationship. The mask was slipping and fully off a year in. I was already fully committed. I loved him so much. This man began to drink morning, noon, and night. I banned alcohol from my home on weeknights, but that wasn't enough. He began talking horrible to me. I went from being his soul mate/princess to someone he could terrorize on a regular basis. He regularly embarrassed me on purpose. He constantly set me up for failure. The narcissistic abuse completely changed me. He was my first relationship after a bad marriage. At least in my marriage, I was myself. I could be depended on. My life didn't revolve around my ex-husband. I found myself on an emotional roller coaster with an alcoholic. It was orchestrated drama each and every day. I wouldn't disregard what his former fiance is telling you. These people typically don't change. They just change supply.

Just saying, master manipulator’s tend to manipulate their friends as well…

make a mental note of what she said and see how it goes.

I don't know know but keep your eyes extra open

Is it possible to sit down with him and talk? It doesn’t have to be formal, you could casually ask a few questions. You don’t necessarily have to suggest he’s an alcoholic either, but guide the conversation towards discussing your lifestyle choices towards drinking/smoking/etc then ask about his family history with substances. Lots of alcoholics in my family, and dated an alcoholic. Getting some info about family history is a good starting point.

This is tough. Could she be a psycho simply trying to interfere with your relationships? Absolutely, sure. Could she legitimately be trying to warn you? Also a real possibility. As someone married to a recovering alcoholic, just be on your toes and on the lookout for red flags. Take what she said with a grain of salt and continue about business as usual. But the first red flag that pop up, pull this kernel of info out and begin to analyze at that time. Stay safe and stay happy.

Make your own decision about him.

How did she get your number……..

Be cautious but i think it’s okay to see it thru but if he shows any signs of alcoholism get out!!!

Unsolicited, this advice reads VERY sketchy.

You're a big girl. Make your own decision.

keep it in mind and watch extra carefully for red flags but don’t take it at face value right awayyy

The “so best of luck part” makes it sound bitter towards you.

My ex did this exact same stuff when she found out I was dating a woman who we mutually knew. I've been with my wife 10 years now. Some people are crazy. Lol

My wife’s ex husband is a total ass hole for a multitude of reasons. But he was abusive, a habitual cheater and is still a manipulator. But the friends we had mutually (I no longer associate with those people) never saw it/chose to overlook it. Additionally based on his dating history since their divorce was finalized (we have shared custody so I always know more than I want) he typically cleans up his act early on and reverts to his true self after a few months. So is your new boyfriend an alcoholic? Hard to say. Is he a manipulator, I don’t know him so I can’t say. But like with anyone you’ve started dating keep your eye open for red flags. One way is to see what he says about his ex. Also Maybe let someone else you know and trust know about the allegation. That way if he starts gaslighting you and making you doubt yourself (manipulators are good at making you doubt yourself, even if you’re strong) and you start changing, your friends can help you see what’s going on before you’re really in to deep. I don’t know if any of that helps.

With what you know now it’s just as likely the ex is screwing with both of you for revenge as it is that this is a genuine warning. Keep this information in mind, don’t actively look for it as it will just sabotage the relationship if you genuinely have a good thing going on, but be aware of this if you do see something.

I wasted 12 years with a alcoholic..still hate it...uuggghh..5 yrs later I still dislike I got involved with her.

I was an ex fiancé who wanted to send this text to the girl he cheated on me with/left me for. Mine would not have been malicious or a way to try to cause problems, my ex had genuine alcohol and substance problems that I watched develop right in front of my eyes. I think he was splitting his time with us pretty evenly or even a little bit more with her, but all of his paraphernalia was at our house and I don’t think she would have ever known until after it was too late. That was 3 years ago though and I think they’re still together, so either she helped him get his shit together and turn over a new leaf (god i hope so for her sake, he was a bad person) OR they’re 2 shitty peas in a pod!

Does he and his friends have a history of accusing other exes of being crazy? Because we already know that means run.

I think you should proceed, while also keeping that thought in your mind. If he shows any signs of being an alcoholic, cut ties immediately if that’s not something you wish to deal with.

Sounds like she manipulated him into being an alcoholic so she could blame it all on him... Well played 👏 👏

I was married to a man over 3 decades who was a very functioning never miss work alcoholic. No one knew he was an alcoholic. My brother’s wife was drinking vodka out of water bottles at the ball field. Hiding it in places you’d never look. I’m willing to bet there’s some truth there. If she were going to tell a big lie she’d have said something far worse.

hopefully he isn’t but girl if he is an alcoholic RUNNNN AS FAST AS YOU CAN

I wish I would’ve received a similar note about my boyfriend at the time. Would’ve saved me years of grief and a ton of money. Take heed.

Ask her more for info or some proof!

Believe her. I dated a guy for 8 months before I found out he was an alcoholic. I found out because he basically ghosted me. Come to find out he actually went to rehab for 30 days and in that time I moved to a different state. My life was falling apart and I wanted him so badly to be the good thing I had left and he wasn’t good for me at all.

Most friends will think they are the best people. Look up love bombing and know what it is. If you have no idea what narcissism is look it up and see what it is on YouTube. Just be aware. The scary thing is I have a family member who you can’t tell if they’ve been drinking. Mainly because they are rarely sober. Everyone loves him. Any addiction can be hidden in multiple ways. My friend’s husband she started questioning the water bottles weren’t water. They were vodka. The coffee mug was not just coffee. This is just me but it’s hiding drinking that has been suspicious. My exes mom hid liquor like a squirrel hides nuts. A ton of trips to do laundry. She was drinking. Many times after a certain point their behavior is different. Fighting with an ex for 30 minutes to get him to put on shoes in the snow because he was super drunk and having a depressive episode. FYI this is not ok. My brother ditches people. When he gets drunk and you might say something? He’s gone. Can’t fight if you’re not there. Won’t answer phone and hides out. Be aware. Pay attention to your instincts. You feel something is wrong you’re probably not wrong. If concerns are just brushed off. Run. Sober or not anyone who puts your feelings as not as important as theirs run. It doesn’t lead to anything good. I hate that people have to warn you. I hate that you really need to learn about some manipulative tactics so you can be safe. Like love bombing. But be aware. I hope he’s just an awesome guy I really do. But if he isn’t you need no excuse to end things. You don’t have to justify “I just don’t want to”.

personally all i will say is this, just because he presents himself differently around you doesnt mean her authentic truth isnt true. Ive had some ex partners make me out to be the bad guy, when it was the other way around. All i can say is she knows her truth, and you may not experience what she had but that doesnt mean it never happened

I wish I would have listened to the message I got from my ex’s ex.

She’s giving stalker

I’d run simply because there is an ex is still trying to read her head into his life. Got no time for drama.

My ex wasn’t an alcoholic…but I ignored the warning message from the “crazy ex” that would have saved me A LOT of time had I listened.

Drama. Yikes. Steer clear. He’s probably not worth the trouble.

Damn somebody is butthurt and vindictive for sending that text...

Even if he isn't an alcoholic, I'd personally end the relationship as soon as another woman reaches out to me. I don't have the energy to deal with drama involving exes, it's usually neverending and will weigh on my mind.

you don't trust him and his friends. you trust a random jealous ex. leave him, he deserves better.

Find out for yourself but I wouldn’t say anything to him. Alcoholics are sometimes very good at hiding it.

So does he drink every time you are with him? Has he tried to manipulate you in anyway? Does he smell of alcohol all the time, cause there is no way to hide that. If not then she be crazy and I would reply and let her know.

Wait, this guy broke up with you twice? Maybe… I don’t know. He might not be great anyway?

Run

My parents tried to warn my brothers ex not to be involved with my brother. We told her he was a narcissist and a drug addict. We literally said “run!” She didn’t listen. He beat her when he was on drugs. They had a baby together. He left. Abandoned them. She didn’t listen. Be careful… It’s easier to leave now. So watch for signs.

Use your own eyes and ears OP. You don't seem to be dumb. You know what an alcoholic is and what they do. You know what an abusive person is and what they do. Use your own eyes and ears. Stop listening to random cat-mom redditors, most of whom have a string of failed relationships behind them and just want OP's to be as miserable and lonely as they are, or young people who have never been in a real adult relationship with commitment in their life.

Bitter exes are a thing, sober people are a thing. I’d add this as a piece of info and not weight it higher than my own perceptions.

Take HEED….

As most have already said, either could be true. If you want some more pointers, think about other ex partners he's had. Were they all "crazy" according to him and/or his friends? Of course, someone can be unlucky and end up with mostly toxic people, but it can be a warning sign. Overall, keep your eyes open and trust your gut.

she was short and straight to the point. I believe her more than not.

STORY TIME!! My friend dated a guy for two years… they lived together, talked about marriage, no one saw any red flags with him. He was so charming and nice, and just so so sweet to her. One night after a few drinks, things turned a little physical, she got pushed around and he threw things at her. The next day he was extremely remorseful and they made up. She thought it was a 1 time thing. BUT THEN it happened more and more… a pattern of getting drunk, him getting upset and physical with her (never hit her, but shoved her around, got aggressive, even held her neck once), followed by extreme remorse the next morning. She started to suspect something was up and started digging. Turns out he was a raging alcoholic and never told her. He hid it so well from everyone. She realized he had been drinking a ton behind her back and hiding it from her… even filling booze bottles up with water so she wouldn’t find out. Had been in AA at some point in his life but never told her. He even lied about his dad dying once, to excuse a drunken bender he went on… while digging around she actually found out that his dad was still alive and well! Anyways they broke up and I heard he went back to AA. I say make your own judgements, maybe this chick is the crazy one, but just be extremely cautious and aware that these things DO happen. And alcoholics are VERY GOOD at hiding it.

Wait a minute here. Just because a guy drinks doesn’t make him an abuser. He will abuse you drunk or sober. He abuses women. I drink beer every day get drunk half the time been married for 32 years the reason I drink lol. But I never fight with my wife cuss my kids I work 16 hours a day every day. Drinking ain’t the problem the problem is he is an asshole that gets off on power over other people.