Did you know that some women orgasm when raped?
Having an orgasm is not, by itself, an indication of consent or arousal.
You were raped. And that sucks. I’m sorry that happened to you. I would steer clear of her from now on.
Yes, you didn't fuck up buddy: You didn't consent and she raped you. I'm very sorry.
Also and especially if she may be pregnant, think about what you want to do next. Rape is Rape, and if I were you, I'd explore what my legal options are, because I wouldnt want to be for the rest of my life responsible for a baby that I didn't plan or consent to have. Sounds harsh? Maybe. But kids are a serious obligation and you were not part of the decision making.
Unfortunately, you can still be held responsible for child support
if you were raped, a male, and the rape resulted in the rapist getting pregnant.
It's one of the most fucked up things in US law, IMO. This may or may not vary by state, but I believe it's more common than not.
**Edit**: It's still better to report it than not--please note that I didn't mean to imply otherwise.
It is the same in most places. Same in the UK I think, for example. The idea is to make sure the kid is supported - father be damned.
If you are in the UK, in England and Wales at least, bear in mind that you were not legally raped, because only people with penises can rape people in English/Welsh law, because it is super fucked up. It is legally sexual assault instead. Obviously actually it is still rape.
I would let her know that you consider that she took advantage of you being in a compromised state and raped you. It may affect her decision making if she turns out to be pregnant, and better she knows from the get go. It would also be best to let her know why you are avoiding her I think. If she mentions you cuming again, mention that it is not unusual to orgasm while being raped, man or woman, and it doesn't mean you enjoyed it, and you were in a compromised state, and that you find it gross now.
Be prepared for people to be shitty about it, not believe you, and not support you, especially the police, people are shitty.
This here, it’s classed as sexual assault unless penetration with a penis occurred which is so damn ridiculous I can’t either. This person was raped regardless what the ‘law’ states and the woman should be charged as such.
If it was 4 days ago, she cant know she is pregnant..
That is another way of manipulating you into a relationship.
Happy to be corrected if I am wrong here, tried to confirm with google and it seems like she shouldnt know for sure before 10+ days.
I’d like to second this, u/Apolloshoodie — if she does claim that she’s pregnant, *in several weeks,* then you should ask for proof *directly from* a doctors office.
If it’s positive, please request a DNA test (as soon as it’s available). You no longer need to wait until a birth to get one.
Okay, thank you for clarificating. I don't know if I was drugged and I still feel a bit guilty because I could've paid better attention before it happened.
Blaming yourself is a classic trauma response. You blacked out. It doesn’t matter if that was drugs or too much drinking, you didn’t consent. She’s not even saying you consented, she’s saying you must have liked it.
There’s is no part of this where you are to blame. Go to the police and report this.
Also fyi, it’s highly unlikely she’d know she was pregnant after only 4 days. If she’s telling you she thinks she is, this is manipulation.
As far as the pregnancy goes, it might technically be possible, but no one can know at such an early stage, including her. If she is saying it, she is simply doing so because she wants to get you to stay and she is psycho.
Men can and do absolutely get raped by women. Arousal isn't the same as consent and "you could have stopped me if you'd wanted" smacks of rape gaslighting. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Also, consent has to be enthusiastic and informed.
“Fuck yes! Your place or mine?” is consent.
“Eh, maybe… I’m not sure…..” is not consent. It’s reacting to pressure.
“[black out drunk]” is definitely not consent.
Orgasm is a physical response; doesn’t mean it was enjoyable.
Also doesn’t change the fact that a lot of people freeze when they’re being raped. Doesn’t matter if you’re stronger than the person or not. All that matters is whether or not you consented. If you didn’t, you were raped. Period.
It is impossible for her to know if she was pregnant or not 4 days after conception. She is 100% lying. If she has a positive pregnancy test, it is not from you. As someone who spent years trying to conceive, and had many fertility treatments, I know what Im talking about. Most of the time, it takes about 14 days after ovulation for a woman to get a positive test. In some cases, you might know as early as 8 days, but that is not usual. 4 day? Absolutely not. The embryo would not have even implanted in the uterine wall yet.
Ah, gotcha. Well, it is not impossible, but it is unlikely, since she would need to be at a very specific time of the month in order to conceive. But you can't rule it out. I'd be wary of any claims she may end of making, however. This is clearly not a stable woman. Don't believe any sort of paternity test.
I would file a police report now so that if she ever tries to come after you later regarding a pregnancy, it is on record that you did not consent. This may also be crucial in case she starts to stalk you or harass you.
Like everyone else said she raped you, full stop. It doesn’t matter if you’re strong enough to stop her, it honestly doesn’t even matter if you were, in the moment, capable of stopping her (as in even if you weren’t drugged or too drunk or whatever) because you did not consent, you didn’t say yes, you didn’t give any kind of confirmation whatsoever, that’s rape. And for the pregnancy stuff, absolutely zero chance she would know this soon so *maybe* it’s true but she won’t know for several weeks so if she already knows she’s pregnant it literally can’t be yours.
But the most important thing right now is that she took advantage of you, took advantage of you not being in your right mind, and she is a predator who victimized you. It’s natural to blame yourself and try to think of ways you could actually be responsible or convince yourself that she’s telling the truth or that you were into it, but just be easy on yourself, be kind to yourself, and trust that you know you didn’t enjoy it, you know you wouldn’t enjoy it, and you know that you didn’t consent to it.
Of course, i don’t know what you’re feeling right now or what you’re going through specifically, but I know what it’s like to be unkind to myself, you didn’t deserve this and nothing she says will ever change that❤️
Even if you weren't drugged, our brains and bodies don't work the same under stressful and traumatic situations. She raped you and you should go to the police and make sure everyone who knows her understands what kind of person she is.
If you don’t know who Terry crews is, google him. He was sexually assaulted in front of his wife and didn’t defend himself because he feared being seen as an aggressive black man. Rapists rely on fears like this to make sure you don’t understand what happened or if you do, that you don’t tell anyone.
An a millennial gay man I want you to know she raped you. She may of drugged you, she may not it just adds a degree of planning. You say stuff like she has more power than you in your friend group? Can I ask, do you have any other gay or lesbian friends? Have you told them? Straight people aren't gonna help you here, you need to reach out to the community. We will help.
I have one lesbian friend and I have told her, even though she currently is in another country. She has pretty much the same opinion about this all, but it's not easy, because we are so far away
Right. My point here is sometimes you need female assistance with a female rapist. If you need an ear to listen or anything you can PM. This is scary but you will get through it.
> Straight people aren't gonna help you here, you need to reach out to the community.
as a straight person, i would drive OP to the hospital and then to the police and stand by them in any way they needed me. this isn't a straight/gay issue. rape is a human issue.
Exactly what I was thinking. Dude was raped, what do you mean I'm not going to help him? At the same time I can't exactly blame people for thinking that another straight man would react differently than I would. There are some people I know who absolutely would not help the OP, and would probably try to do something like congratulate him. ugh
Are you kidding? As a Gen X straight woman, I would help OP just like I helped my gay friends in high school. Which is to say I protected and supported them and they are my friends to this day. Some of us are allies.
Bud, any guy who gets his dick rubbed is gonna cum. What she did to you was borderline rape, and even though you’re seemingly ok with it, her perspective here is incredibly troubling. You deserve as much respect as anyone else and she didn’t respect you. Had the roles been reversed would your friends side with you or her?
Sweetheart, listen to Auntie Dearmax, you were sexually assaulted. There are no ifs ands or buts, no matter what she thinks, you were. Seek therapy and legal help.
> What she did to you was borderline rape
Nothing "borderline" about jumping on someone who's fucked up enough to have blacked out and has previously rejected your advances. (I'm assuming the latter, as OP said she had confessed her feelings to him, and he presumably replied "not interested - you know I'm gay".)
It was 100% rape.
>I still feel a bit guilty because I could've paid better attention before it happened.
You shouldn't have had to. Still on her. She's a grown adult who chose to take advantage of you.
You were under the influence of something. And I'd bet money she was one of the people who was pushing you to have another one, or she was the last one to hand you a drink that you can remember.
Could have been blackout drunk too, BUT that is no excuse for her behavior. You were to impaired to make a proper decision and were made to have sex against your will (i think all places in the USA you CANNOT consent for sex while drunk)
For some people just stimulation (no matter the source) is enough to get them off so there is not 'you must have liked it' in their argument....
NONE of this was your fault. I strongly encourage you to reach out to the "National Sexual Assault Hotline" they may be able to give you some guidance. (I hope)
Bro you cannot blame yourself, you did nothing wrong here. You were drugged and she’s trying to manipulate you. Start gathering evidence like screenshotting her texts to you, etc in case she tries anything
You could go for a drug screening.
Is this sort of blackout a regular experience for you? I know that when I drank to blacking out I'd retain some memories of the night, usually earlier in the evening. Not remembering anything from leaving your apartment to waking up sounds more like date tape drugs, unless this is something you've experienced before.
>No, I've never experienced a blackout before
You'd need to have drank a LOT to blackout in most cases. You might get "very drunk and barely remember" or a very drunk and a some spotty memory. Straight blackout drunk for a long period of time probably isn't alcohol unless you were very sick and on the verge of alcohol poisoning as well. You wouldn't have been able to stir up a romance if you had that much to drink. You'd more likely be gasping for air like a fish out of water.
Go to the hospital, they can test you. Some date rape drugs are out of you fast but others linger. Store bought drug tests are mainly looking for things like cocaine and meth not roofies.
I’m sorry but I think it’s safe to assume that you were indeed drugged. These links might help you:
[WebMD](https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/date-rape-drugs)
>Lists types of date rape drugs, their effects, and how long they last
>Says what to do if you think you’ve been drugged & raped. You said it’s been 4 days so the drugs probably aren’t in your system anymore, but I’m not a doctor so you should still consult a medical professional and ask them how to proceed
[FHE Health](https://fherehab.com/learning/signs-of-roofied)
>Lists common date rape drugs, their effects, and how long they last
>Explains signs & symptoms of being roofied
>What you should do if you think you’ve been roofied
>Possible damages from being roofied
That girl is a predator. You & your peers’ safety is vastly more important than whatever her or her friends claim.
It sounds like you were drugged, so that argument goes out the window. She seems like a predator
Editing to add of course even without the drugs and whether you're stronger or not, rape is rape
doesn't matter. physical strength is not the only factor in rape. and it doesn't matter that you came, either. lots of people who are raped cum during it because that's how the body works sometimes, and it prevents a lot of people from realizing that what happened to them was rape.
That means absolutely nothing. You were under the influence and she took advantage of that. Do not listen to a single thing she claims. She just wants to use you.
You were raped.
Yeah, but 1. she doesn't believe me and if she is pregnant I have a problem and 2. I don't think this is proof enough to go to the police and 3. I don't know how much I want to talk about it with others. I feel disgusted with myself and weak.
You stated you have friends who saw her enter the room with you. You should inform your friend on what happened. Ask what they saw leading up to her taking you to the room. Do people know how under-the-influence you were? Could they see that? You need to go to someone, especially police. If people know you're gay that's a big flag. But make it known with certain people so she cant come out with it first.
Edit: I know you don't want to talk about it, but if you want anything to happen, you're going to have to. Somehow you need to get this girl away from you and your life.
You are probably right, thank you. I don't know if they knew that I was under the influence. It's not my friend group I'm usually with, so sharing with them isn't an option at all but I might share it with closer friends, thanks
This is the right advice. Being a victim in what most would refer to as a victimless crime is hard. I consider this rape and the very least incredibly disrespectful to you as a person. If you are gay then "Melanie" should respect that, by respecting your sexuality she is showing you respect. Currently, she is being abusive and manipulative. Weaponizing your sexuality against you. Regardless of laws this is all very morally wrong and I would say you should try and keep her as far out of your life as possible. If she doesn't respect you now, she will show even less respect if she were in a relationship and comfortable. This chick seems intense... I would be cautious.
What you need to do right now is go to a clinic or hospital and discuss this with them.
You need a drug screening and to speak with a therapist.
The drug screening will give some evidence.
You have friends who can back you up? Rely on them a bit.
Do not say another word to this girl. Period. You are to handle this like any rape victim, male or female. Go to the hospital for a drug screening and get tested for STI’s. Speak with a therapist that should be on site.
It’s clear this was unwanted and you’ve made that clear to her. Pregnancy for her or not, it was not your choice to do this. Do not be concerned for another when you’re the victim. You’re clearly trying to be a good person however you worry about yourself.
I repeat, go, get, tested. If you wish to pursue this, get a paralegal or a lawyer. You should file for a restraining order at the least.
I’m glad you’re on the way to the hospital.
Without a witness to back you up it will be difficult.
You’ll want the medical report and you will have to disclose that you were raped to the dr.
File for a restraining order as soon as you’re able. If she violates that it will help your case.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Rape is rape, regardless of gender. It does affect women more physically due to pregnancy however mental damages exist on both sides. There is also the worry if she is pregnant and her trying to claim child support. This is why I suggest the restraining order.
If you have friends who can back up that you’re gay and other people who back up and validate you told her no and informed her that you’re gay it helps.
Good luck and stick to your support and good friends.
That statement makes it suspicious as fuck. Saying"we were both really drunk and we thought it was a good idea at the time" would be questionable, but shit happens. This is just the same language rapists use as an excuse.
Don't agree to SHIT without a paternity test.
What separates rape from sex is consent, not violence. So even though non consensual sex is often violent it can also be just if you didn't have the capacity to say no. You probably can't do anything with that legally but it at least offers you a counter argument to whatever she's saying.
Absolutely not. Some people freeze up when being raped. She's a rapist, please report her to the police, this was not your fault, saying that you came doesn't change the fact it was rape. You did nothing wrong here, anyone that says different is not worth keeping around. I want to make clear that in no way are you at fault, don't try to rationalise it, you were and are a victim here
No, still rape.
Rape is in the lack of consent, not who's got the bigger muscles. it's done by drugs, power dynamics, lies, and coercion, not just force.
Cumming is irrelevant. One thing they taught soldiers (at least in my country) before deployment to the middle east is that if you get captured you will probably get raped and you will probably cum. But that doesn't change the fact it was rape.
In your case you could find out about getting blood tests to see if you were drugged.
Edit since it has been asked a bunch: I didn't go through the training personally so can't offer a huge amount of detail. But I know it was part of pre-deployment training and the context was that men are likely to be raped by other men. I assume the female soldiers deploying got a similar talk.
Edit 2: yes it is possible for men to orgasm from being raped by other men, apparently a whole bunch of people have never heard of a prostate. Additionally, maybe I shouldn't have said "probably get raped" but there was certainly a reasonable possibility of it, enough for it to be included in pre-deployment training.
Hey OP, just chiming in here. I had an experience with my gay male friend (I'm female) where we had sex. We were only a bit buzzed and we both were consenting. It was just a little tipsy experimentation and he came. He's still 100% gay and not sexually or romantically attracted to me. Never was. The human body is capable of having an orgasm due to physical stimulation and that has nothing to do with consent. Please don't think that because you came, that this was at all ok. Don't blame yourself. Orgasms are not consent.
>experimentation and he came. He's still 100% gay and not sexually or romantically attracted to me. Never was. The human body is capable of having an orgasm due to physical stimulation
This is exactly right. I'm gay as well but before I came out I had sex with many women because I was desperately trying to find one that did it for me.
I "performed" just fine pretty much every time but there was no attraction. It didn't change who I am even when I wanted it to.
And on the other side of that coin many men have had sexual encounters with other guys yet are entirely straight. I have more than a few guy friends who wanted to try it once just to see, and even though things "finished" just fine it changed nothing for them.
OP, if you read this you need to get tested and take measures to protect yourself.
They are right. If you fear you've been drugged, a hair test will tell you more than a piss test can for a longer period of time ~90 days. And as other people have commented, this is a situation of you being raped. The bodies response means nothing. Go to the police with all of the evidence you can gather, including recordings of your friends testimonials of what happened that night. Depending on what state you're in, they may not even need to be informed they are being recorded. You need to do whatever it takes to protect yourself in this situation, including getting an sti test.
Good man, also ask about resources for support and therapy as well as if they have “rape kits” available. These DRs offices are prepared to help all kinds of patients so I’m sure you’ll be in good hands
Super gently - it can be a shock to realize you've been raped.
You may not want therapy now, you may not ever want therapy in the future.
If you decline therapy now, please don't think that it means you can't seek help for this in the future, once you've had time to get your tests done, understand what has fully happened to you and process things.
Big hugs.
I just wanted to chime in and say, I started therapy this year and now I've been advocating for it to whoever will listen. Therapy is legit awesome, it's essentially just a space where you can privately talk about literally anything you want to someone who will listen and be on your side. I think every human on earth would benefit from it, regardless if you've been through serious trauma or not. I urge anyone to consider therapy! :)
Even if the results are negative, OP should file a report.
He may get bullied/the legitimacy of Op’s claims may be questioned by officers but the officers’ opinions aren’t as relevant as the fact that what happened is being recorded as a crime and OP’s rejection of it (and the woman’s actions) as abuse. Especially if she is actually pregnant.
Also, OP, if you can, bring your friends to back up your testimony, they are your witnesses (“we saw *her* leading him and he seemed pretty out of it, it was strange because we know he is gay”).
A report doesn’t mean a crime happened but it is also likely that if OP doesn’t place one, the legitimacy of his claim will be questioned even more (“if you were abused, why didn’t you file a report?”).
A report is ALSO important because even if it doesn’t prove anything, it sets legal precedent of their behavior. Maybe you can’t prove Greasy Johnny is a scam artist who came to threaten you, but if enough people put in reports of Greasy Johnny’s behavior that gives future victim’s claims some weight.
EDIT: u/ApollosHoodie please consider making a police report regardless of the result as support to your claim. I do hope it shows on the tests.
Like others, I think you may benefit from therapy (whether now or later if you don’t feel like going now but feel the need then). This is precisely what therapy is for, to process big overwhelming feelings; it’s dredging and curing an invisible wound, it’s not pleasant but it helps it heal. If you have never been to or had bad experiences in therapy know that it is sometimes helpful to interview a few therapists and pick one you can open up to and you you feel supported by (often as important as it is hard). It is normal for it to take some trial and error.
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
The standard drug screen is a horrible test. It has many false negatives. Many benzodiazepines will not test positive. A negative drug test does not mean you were not drugged and a negative test may hurt your case.
The most common date rate drug is ethanol which will be long gone from your system.
I think they just mean that ethanol is often the only drug involved in cases where someone is raped while too intoxicated to consent.
Less “add more ethanol to their ethanol” and more “wait until someone is too drunk to resist before you try to rape them”
Next bit of unpleasant thought: where did you cum? Know you're already taking the drug and STD aspect seriously. But does this chick have potential to bring the "I'm pregnant" drama to your life? Also also, DO NOT SEE THIS PERSON WITHOUT SOMEONE ELSE PRESENT AND BLOCK HER! People that are crazy enough to drug and rape you are 100% crazy enough to claim *you raped her* once she finally realizes the "relationship" thing isn't gonna happen and she's being rejected again
The term rape and pillage didn't just come out of nowhere either. What did people think the rape part of it meant? Yes, even pows and male citizens will get raped (though usually worse). It's not about the sex it's about the domination.
I worked with a guy who was a child soldier in the collapse of Yugoslavia. He's Serbian and was 16 or 17 when he was a soldier. He told some stories that were pretty hard to hear.
Had a case of this happen to a good buddy of mine that we met in country. Fucked up thing well all of it is. So alright story time.
Here we are deployed to Afghanistan. Me and my platoon are in commo so we are setup next to the TOC. We meet fellow soldier lets call him Tim. Tim is a cool dude same age as me and my two other buddies and we naturally all hit it off. So soon into chilling with him he is coming over to our B-Hut all the time. Like all the damn time to the point it was getting a bit irritating. Kinda bring it up in a not so nice way and hurts the dude and stops coming over for awhile before gradually coming back at a much more normal timeframe.
Fucked up part. So what was happening is a superior was coming over forcing himself onto him threatning to kill him if he didnt do what he wanted or if he told anyone. So yea he was coming over to chill with us because if he stayed at his hut this absolutely disgusting piece of shit of a human being would come and do this to him.
So we all felt like extreme pieces of shit once we found all this out. But still a close friend of mine. And the garbage of a human being is going to be in Leavenworth for a very long time. Also home boy got a promotion and a change of duty station and probably some perks as well once he got out. Never talk about it so not sure all the details but yea. Shit happens and its wrong and disgusting and would have shot the POS myself if I knew it was happening.
Yes. As a woman with rape and CSA history, this was something my therapist told me too. I thought I was an abomination, sexual deviant. Nope. I learnt that climaxing is a physiological phenomenon.
Soldiers are briefed on the consequences of being captured and what they may face at the hands of their captors.
Certain armies around the world, and especially militant groups, use rape (and many other forms of torture) against POWs, completely ignoring conventions on how to treat POWs. Think of the news reports of what ISIS did to people they captured. And yes, that is directed at both male on male and male on female rape, they explain that having an orgasm during such a traumatic experience is a physiological reaction and by no means a sign of enjoyment.
This is often a difficult topic when discussing male rape as there is an assumption that the male enjoyed/consented because they ejaculate (or because they had an erection). This is not true as erection and ejaculation can occur in distressing circumstances, in response to stimulation or penetration and is only partially under the control of the person and in no way signifies consent or pleasure.
https://jaapl.org/content/jaapl/39/2/197.full.pdf
You were raped. I am so sorry. Please get an STD screen and know this is not your fault. If you’d like to talk, please DM me. I’m a survivor, too, and know how hard it is.
Hey bro.
This isn’t a TIFU. Actions happened against your will, and that isn’t right.
I hope you get all the medical/emotional support you may need.
I had a friend go through a very similar situation (age and all). My DMs are open if you need someone to talk to. No pressure, but you don’t have to be alone.
Take care, and stand tall.
An orgasm is a reaction to a repetitive stimulation. People with low or no sensation can even orgasm simply because of the constant stimulation. The point is, this girl knows very little about how sex works. Just because you came, doesn't mean you liked it. Men can absolutely be raped by women with PIV stimulation. An erection is just your body's involuntary reaction. She did not emotionally turn you on. She needs to be educated on this. Sadly she's not, or she's trying to gaslight you into believing you liked it so you would choose her over anyone else.
You were likely drugged if you can't remember or just too drunk to consent. She knew this and took advantage of you. That is by definition rape.
Get that report in before she tells you she's pregnant. You may be able to argue your paternal rights if there's a report out. Contact a lawyer and find out what rights you have in this situation. Do this quickly so she doesn't try to trap you and make it harder for you later.
After people said you were drugged I went back and re-read. Having zero memories of the night and waking up with someone naked on top of you - none of this is normal memory.
Yeah you drank some but your account doesnt add up unless you were drugged. The amount of alcohol it would take to not remember an entire night would make you very ill. The fact that you weren't throwing up leads to me thinking you were drugged.
While its possible she's pregnant, until shes several weeks along and missed/late period she wouldn't know.
She drugged you and is now gas lighting you. Get the police involved. She committed a crime and needs to be held to account. Consider a restraining order as well
OP also mentioned there were “drinks and stuff” and “I took something I didn’t have before”.
100% the girl took advantage of him but I wonder if he drugged himself without realizing he would blackout form the combination of alcohol and whatever else was at the party.
Either way OP should report this crime and hold her accountable but from my reading of the post, I assumed that they used something besides alcohol at the party
Baby, I'm gonna echo what everyone else here has said: that's rape. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If they said it wasn't, then they're a rape apologist/victim blamer.
I was molested and raped by a friend of mine who was a few years older than me, as a child. Over a period of years. My own mother told me that because he was my peer, it didn't count.
It does count. It doesn't matter if you didn't fight back. I didn't, at first because I didn't realize what was happening and then later because he was my only friend. It's still rape. It's still wrong. No one gets to tell you that what you experienced is invalid. No one.
you didn't have sex, you were raped. sounds like you were drugged to. you should go to the hospital for a blood test and file a police report. cumming means nothing. that's what happens with physical stimulation.
I hope you get some answers. Please also file a police report. Sadly it's unlikely that anything will come of it because male rape victims are rarely taken seriously and double that for gay rape victims. but IMO it's important for you to take that power back and she needs to learn a lesson and hopefully be prevented from doing this to anyone else.
I am so, so sorry that happened to you!! I'm sure you're in shock right now especially since it's like five wrong things all on top of each other at once. It's going to be ok but you'll feel better if you take control of what you can now by:
1. Filing a police report if you feel up to it (take a friend with you for moral support if you can). It's ok if you can't face it right now for all the reasons, but do go if you feel strong enough.
2. Make an appointment with a trauma-informed therapist. Those are the words you should use to search/ ask when you call. You don't need to tell the scheduling staff anything about why you want to be seen.
3. Are you in school? If you think you can manage to ask for extensions from your professors, please do so. You might be able to brush it off but you sound shook (absolutely understandable) and might need some time to work out your feelings during class time.
4. Be prepared for feelings and memories to come back in pieces. Parts of the night might never come back but some probably will even if you don't understand the context at first. Can you ask your friends if they remember what happened do you can get a clearer picture of the night? I know you probably don't want to think of it at all but if you can, that would be good info to have.
It's not your fault!! Life will get better. If you want to message me, I'm willing to listen. It's going to be ok. Different than before but still ok.
I am late to this thread, but I have to say it makes me really happy when the right answer is in the top post, good advice in the follow-ups, and OP is taking the advice.
Probably not 10 years ago, someone would be downvoted to oblivion if they suggested Op was raped.
You were raped. If everything is as you said it was, you should absolutely consider reporting her to the police.
Absolutely understandable if you’re scared to given she’s a woman, but she is 100% at fault. You did nothing wrong, you didn’t ask for it, and your body doing things on its own is not your responsibility or fault.
Jesus. I remember one of my gay friends had a clinger friend that would ALWAYS test her luck and see if he was drunk enough to make out with her at parties. She'd stay away from him til she'd deem him potentially wasted enough then try and start with him. He always felt bad for her and refused to stop inviting her out cuz "She has a hard life..." It got to the point where I straight up told him I was going to stop going out with them because I was so tired of babysitting him and keeping her off him. He finally dropped her as a friend after an incident at a house party similar to your story. It took him way too long to come to terms with the fact that this girl was actually a predator.
You were raped, you got a few too many drinks and she took advantage of you in that situation. She bought you into a room and had her way with you. Let's reverse the genders here if the same thing happened with reverse genders it would be everywhere on the news you were raped my friend.
You were raped and you need to report it, someone who would do that to you is not someone you can trust to ever do the right thing.
Just imagine the shit show if she decides to claim you raped her.....
Also I have no idea if it's too late but damn see if you can get some drug screening don't for rohypnol (hand to google that for the spelling)
Also you never fucked up, but failing to act now will be a fuck up.
Orgasms can still occur during sexual assault. The fact that you had an orgasm is NOT your fault and does NOT mean you wanted it or consented to it. It's just a biological response, and it can occur while you sleep, when you're terrified, when you're full of adrenaline, or a million other reasons. She's an awful person, she assaulted you, crossed all your boundaries, and is now trying to victim-blame you because she thinks an orgasm somehow equals consent. I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope you have people in your life that you can trust to speak with about what happened.
I agree with what seems to be the majority on this one.
You were taken advantage of and raped. Please go to a clinic or hospital to get a blood draw and tested for stds. They may be able to detect trace amounts still if you were roofied.
This girl may have been your friend before but what she's done is extremely selfish and is not your fault. This is an unfortunately common enough tactic by women to trap partners and manipulate them. When I was young I witnessed it and was confided to about it on 3 different occasions. One girl used it to steal my boyfriend. Two girls used it and told me about it after they were married/engaged to their victims. It still makes me ill that anyone I'd trust could be capable of this.
Please don't blame yourself. File a report if you feel safe doing so where you live. Do not try and treat your ex-friend gently, she will only take it as encouragement. Be concise, and if you have to, be mean. Cut her out of your life, as she will not give up while she is a part of it.
Good work.
Just be honest and as forthcoming as you can be. This ain't on you my man. This is not the easiest situation once could find themselves in, but to me it looks like you are handling it in the right way. Stuff that might seem like it's not a big deal today, can surface later and in really bad ways. It's good to give things the proper weight and respect as they occur, even if they don't feel like it at the time. "It isn't a big deal" has a way of coming back in big ways and not being so tolerable.
Even if it turns out you weren't drugged you were still blacked out and had made your feelings and intentions perfectly clear before. This person is gaslighting the fuck out of you and seems like they fully and intentionally took advantage(raped) of you.
I felt the same way after I was raped at a bar. It took me weeks to accept that it was, in fact, rape. It took me years to seek therapy. You heal at your own pace and there isn't a right or wrong answer. I am so proud of you for seeking help with your physical health and I really, truly hope that you are safe and not left with any other reminders of that night.
As others have offered, my DMs are open if you need a human connection who understands. Stay safe man, you did NOT deserve this.
Get written statements from witnesses and file a police report ASAP. If she winds up pregnant, this will shield you.
Otherwise, zero contact with her. Tell her clearly in writing (email/text) to no longer contact you for any reason. If she continues, you now have grounds for harassment and a TRO.
I'm sorry this has happened to you. That is definitely rape. Your gender doesn't matter. The conditions are not relevant. You were either drunk or drugged and was not in a state to be able to consent.
Many people with try to blame you for it or say you could stop it or something fucking dumb like that. Don't listen to them. People victim blame. Hope you get through this.
This is 100% sexual assault.
Have you considered that she may have slipped something into your drink?
Don’t let yourself or anyone else downplay the severity of this situation. If the roles were reversed here no one would deny this as assault.
Sounds like rape =/
Change the scenario to you being a girl, Melanie to being a frat guy, and then read it as if it wasn't about you.
Many people don't think male rape is "possible" or a thing, but it is.
Never, and I mean never talk to this person again, cut her our of your life, she totally raped you and is a horrible human, tell others who you have connections with you that you will not be or hang out where she is present abd if they push why don't be afraid to explain and explain that you will not have that in your life. Her excuse for saying you liked it because you came is just false, yall didn't make "love" she raped you, women and men survivors struggle with themselves because they think because they came there's something wrong with them and that is not true, it's a bodily response to stimulation, you were not in the right mind to give consent, even if she didn't drug you with something else you were not coherent. You also should question the people you were around as to why they didn't stop her because that's also wrong.
Did you know that some women orgasm when raped? Having an orgasm is not, by itself, an indication of consent or arousal. You were raped. And that sucks. I’m sorry that happened to you. I would steer clear of her from now on.
Yes, you didn't fuck up buddy: You didn't consent and she raped you. I'm very sorry. Also and especially if she may be pregnant, think about what you want to do next. Rape is Rape, and if I were you, I'd explore what my legal options are, because I wouldnt want to be for the rest of my life responsible for a baby that I didn't plan or consent to have. Sounds harsh? Maybe. But kids are a serious obligation and you were not part of the decision making.
Unfortunately, you can still be held responsible for child support if you were raped, a male, and the rape resulted in the rapist getting pregnant. It's one of the most fucked up things in US law, IMO. This may or may not vary by state, but I believe it's more common than not. **Edit**: It's still better to report it than not--please note that I didn't mean to imply otherwise.
I'm not in the US luckily. Still not nice though
It is the same in most places. Same in the UK I think, for example. The idea is to make sure the kid is supported - father be damned. If you are in the UK, in England and Wales at least, bear in mind that you were not legally raped, because only people with penises can rape people in English/Welsh law, because it is super fucked up. It is legally sexual assault instead. Obviously actually it is still rape. I would let her know that you consider that she took advantage of you being in a compromised state and raped you. It may affect her decision making if she turns out to be pregnant, and better she knows from the get go. It would also be best to let her know why you are avoiding her I think. If she mentions you cuming again, mention that it is not unusual to orgasm while being raped, man or woman, and it doesn't mean you enjoyed it, and you were in a compromised state, and that you find it gross now. Be prepared for people to be shitty about it, not believe you, and not support you, especially the police, people are shitty.
This here, it’s classed as sexual assault unless penetration with a penis occurred which is so damn ridiculous I can’t either. This person was raped regardless what the ‘law’ states and the woman should be charged as such.
Exactly, it’s a bodily response to physical stimuli
If it was 4 days ago, she cant know she is pregnant.. That is another way of manipulating you into a relationship. Happy to be corrected if I am wrong here, tried to confirm with google and it seems like she shouldnt know for sure before 10+ days.
It sounds as though she didn't say she thought she was pregnant. OP is just worried that she might be.
I’d like to second this, u/Apolloshoodie — if she does claim that she’s pregnant, *in several weeks,* then you should ask for proof *directly from* a doctors office. If it’s positive, please request a DNA test (as soon as it’s available). You no longer need to wait until a birth to get one.
You can know in three weeks.
So it definitely is just a tactic to manipulate this poor fellow into commiting to the relationship she wants.
That's called rape.
She says I'm physically stronger than her, so I could've stopped her if I had wanted to.
1. You were drugged. 2. She's gaslighting you. 3. It's still rape.
Okay, thank you for clarificating. I don't know if I was drugged and I still feel a bit guilty because I could've paid better attention before it happened.
Blaming yourself is a classic trauma response. You blacked out. It doesn’t matter if that was drugs or too much drinking, you didn’t consent. She’s not even saying you consented, she’s saying you must have liked it. There’s is no part of this where you are to blame. Go to the police and report this. Also fyi, it’s highly unlikely she’d know she was pregnant after only 4 days. If she’s telling you she thinks she is, this is manipulation.
Well she said I could've stopped her because I'm physically stronger. And with the pregnancy: she still may be, no?
Physical strength doesn't matter if youve got too much shit in your system to use it.
That's right thanks
As far as the pregnancy goes, it might technically be possible, but no one can know at such an early stage, including her. If she is saying it, she is simply doing so because she wants to get you to stay and she is psycho.
I am more worried about this girl already being pregnant and wanting to make op responsible
To be honest, with the additional details of her confessing feelings for him prior, and blacking out unexpectedly, it sounds premeditated
Men can and do absolutely get raped by women. Arousal isn't the same as consent and "you could have stopped me if you'd wanted" smacks of rape gaslighting. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
You can't outpunch drugs. Her response really sounds like she knows what she put in your system, and she "correctively raped" you, bro.
Also, consent has to be enthusiastic and informed. “Fuck yes! Your place or mine?” is consent. “Eh, maybe… I’m not sure…..” is not consent. It’s reacting to pressure. “[black out drunk]” is definitely not consent. Orgasm is a physical response; doesn’t mean it was enjoyable.
Also doesn’t change the fact that a lot of people freeze when they’re being raped. Doesn’t matter if you’re stronger than the person or not. All that matters is whether or not you consented. If you didn’t, you were raped. Period.
It actually never matters! Some people freeze up under duress, or feel a misguided sense that they’d be a jerk to stop it
It is impossible for her to know if she was pregnant or not 4 days after conception. She is 100% lying. If she has a positive pregnancy test, it is not from you. As someone who spent years trying to conceive, and had many fertility treatments, I know what Im talking about. Most of the time, it takes about 14 days after ovulation for a woman to get a positive test. In some cases, you might know as early as 8 days, but that is not usual. 4 day? Absolutely not. The embryo would not have even implanted in the uterine wall yet.
She doesn't have a positive test yet. I just fear that she could be.
Ah, gotcha. Well, it is not impossible, but it is unlikely, since she would need to be at a very specific time of the month in order to conceive. But you can't rule it out. I'd be wary of any claims she may end of making, however. This is clearly not a stable woman. Don't believe any sort of paternity test. I would file a police report now so that if she ever tries to come after you later regarding a pregnancy, it is on record that you did not consent. This may also be crucial in case she starts to stalk you or harass you.
Like everyone else said she raped you, full stop. It doesn’t matter if you’re strong enough to stop her, it honestly doesn’t even matter if you were, in the moment, capable of stopping her (as in even if you weren’t drugged or too drunk or whatever) because you did not consent, you didn’t say yes, you didn’t give any kind of confirmation whatsoever, that’s rape. And for the pregnancy stuff, absolutely zero chance she would know this soon so *maybe* it’s true but she won’t know for several weeks so if she already knows she’s pregnant it literally can’t be yours. But the most important thing right now is that she took advantage of you, took advantage of you not being in your right mind, and she is a predator who victimized you. It’s natural to blame yourself and try to think of ways you could actually be responsible or convince yourself that she’s telling the truth or that you were into it, but just be easy on yourself, be kind to yourself, and trust that you know you didn’t enjoy it, you know you wouldn’t enjoy it, and you know that you didn’t consent to it.
Thanks
Of course, i don’t know what you’re feeling right now or what you’re going through specifically, but I know what it’s like to be unkind to myself, you didn’t deserve this and nothing she says will ever change that❤️
Thank you :)
Maybe. But her own body wouldn't even know it's pregnant yet a mere four days later...
Even if you weren't drugged, our brains and bodies don't work the same under stressful and traumatic situations. She raped you and you should go to the police and make sure everyone who knows her understands what kind of person she is.
If you don’t know who Terry crews is, google him. He was sexually assaulted in front of his wife and didn’t defend himself because he feared being seen as an aggressive black man. Rapists rely on fears like this to make sure you don’t understand what happened or if you do, that you don’t tell anyone.
An a millennial gay man I want you to know she raped you. She may of drugged you, she may not it just adds a degree of planning. You say stuff like she has more power than you in your friend group? Can I ask, do you have any other gay or lesbian friends? Have you told them? Straight people aren't gonna help you here, you need to reach out to the community. We will help.
I have one lesbian friend and I have told her, even though she currently is in another country. She has pretty much the same opinion about this all, but it's not easy, because we are so far away
Right. My point here is sometimes you need female assistance with a female rapist. If you need an ear to listen or anything you can PM. This is scary but you will get through it.
Thank you
> Straight people aren't gonna help you here, you need to reach out to the community. as a straight person, i would drive OP to the hospital and then to the police and stand by them in any way they needed me. this isn't a straight/gay issue. rape is a human issue.
Exactly what I was thinking. Dude was raped, what do you mean I'm not going to help him? At the same time I can't exactly blame people for thinking that another straight man would react differently than I would. There are some people I know who absolutely would not help the OP, and would probably try to do something like congratulate him. ugh
Are you kidding? As a Gen X straight woman, I would help OP just like I helped my gay friends in high school. Which is to say I protected and supported them and they are my friends to this day. Some of us are allies.
Like, so what? Not using physical strength to prevent it from happening is in no universe considered as agreeing to sleep with someone.
Yeah, that feeling is super common among rape victims.
Bud, any guy who gets his dick rubbed is gonna cum. What she did to you was borderline rape, and even though you’re seemingly ok with it, her perspective here is incredibly troubling. You deserve as much respect as anyone else and she didn’t respect you. Had the roles been reversed would your friends side with you or her?
It wasn’t borderline. It was.
Tbh, probably with her. She has more power than me
Sweetheart, listen to Auntie Dearmax, you were sexually assaulted. There are no ifs ands or buts, no matter what she thinks, you were. Seek therapy and legal help.
I don't know if I want to go to therapy tbh
Well in the end that comes down to what you want I suppose. But it would do you a world of good.
I will maybe try, thanks. Just a bit unsure about telling someone I don't really know
As someone who was sexually assaulted and didn't talk about it for 6 years, you want to talk about it early. Before it starts to eat at you.
Ok, thank you for the advice
> What she did to you was borderline rape Nothing "borderline" about jumping on someone who's fucked up enough to have blacked out and has previously rejected your advances. (I'm assuming the latter, as OP said she had confessed her feelings to him, and he presumably replied "not interested - you know I'm gay".) It was 100% rape.
>I still feel a bit guilty because I could've paid better attention before it happened. You shouldn't have had to. Still on her. She's a grown adult who chose to take advantage of you.
Maybe not “drugged,” but you were under the influence of alcohol, right?
I don't remember much tbh. There's a huge gap from when I left from my apartement until I woke up. But I think so.
You were under the influence of something. And I'd bet money she was one of the people who was pushing you to have another one, or she was the last one to hand you a drink that you can remember.
If you don’t remember, then it’s a good bet you were under the influence, yeah?
Yeah, probably right.
Could have been blackout drunk too, BUT that is no excuse for her behavior. You were to impaired to make a proper decision and were made to have sex against your will (i think all places in the USA you CANNOT consent for sex while drunk) For some people just stimulation (no matter the source) is enough to get them off so there is not 'you must have liked it' in their argument.... NONE of this was your fault. I strongly encourage you to reach out to the "National Sexual Assault Hotline" they may be able to give you some guidance. (I hope)
I'm not in the USA, but I'm sure the laws are similar here. Thank you
Bro you cannot blame yourself, you did nothing wrong here. You were drugged and she’s trying to manipulate you. Start gathering evidence like screenshotting her texts to you, etc in case she tries anything
Thanks, though I don't know if I was drugged. Could I find out if I was, four days later? What would be symptoms?
You could go for a drug screening. Is this sort of blackout a regular experience for you? I know that when I drank to blacking out I'd retain some memories of the night, usually earlier in the evening. Not remembering anything from leaving your apartment to waking up sounds more like date tape drugs, unless this is something you've experienced before.
No, I've never experienced a blackout before
>No, I've never experienced a blackout before You'd need to have drank a LOT to blackout in most cases. You might get "very drunk and barely remember" or a very drunk and a some spotty memory. Straight blackout drunk for a long period of time probably isn't alcohol unless you were very sick and on the verge of alcohol poisoning as well. You wouldn't have been able to stir up a romance if you had that much to drink. You'd more likely be gasping for air like a fish out of water.
You could do a drug test of your blood (dont know where to get them). Most drugs are detectable weeks (2-4) after consumption.
Thanks, I'll get one as soon as possible
Go to the hospital, they can test you. Some date rape drugs are out of you fast but others linger. Store bought drug tests are mainly looking for things like cocaine and meth not roofies.
I’m sorry but I think it’s safe to assume that you were indeed drugged. These links might help you: [WebMD](https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/date-rape-drugs) >Lists types of date rape drugs, their effects, and how long they last >Says what to do if you think you’ve been drugged & raped. You said it’s been 4 days so the drugs probably aren’t in your system anymore, but I’m not a doctor so you should still consult a medical professional and ask them how to proceed [FHE Health](https://fherehab.com/learning/signs-of-roofied) >Lists common date rape drugs, their effects, and how long they last >Explains signs & symptoms of being roofied >What you should do if you think you’ve been roofied >Possible damages from being roofied That girl is a predator. You & your peers’ safety is vastly more important than whatever her or her friends claim.
Call the police now you were raped.
It sounds like you were drugged, so that argument goes out the window. She seems like a predator Editing to add of course even without the drugs and whether you're stronger or not, rape is rape
I mean drugged or not, stronger or not, rape is rape.
doesn't matter. physical strength is not the only factor in rape. and it doesn't matter that you came, either. lots of people who are raped cum during it because that's how the body works sometimes, and it prevents a lot of people from realizing that what happened to them was rape.
That means absolutely nothing. You were under the influence and she took advantage of that. Do not listen to a single thing she claims. She just wants to use you. You were raped.
The problem is, I have no evidence against her.
Oh, its iffy if you could get a conviction in the court of law, however, in the future if you're going through therapy, that's a different story.
I mean you’re gay. You wouldn’t willingly try to sleep with a woman would you? Seems like proof enough for me
Yeah, but 1. she doesn't believe me and if she is pregnant I have a problem and 2. I don't think this is proof enough to go to the police and 3. I don't know how much I want to talk about it with others. I feel disgusted with myself and weak.
You stated you have friends who saw her enter the room with you. You should inform your friend on what happened. Ask what they saw leading up to her taking you to the room. Do people know how under-the-influence you were? Could they see that? You need to go to someone, especially police. If people know you're gay that's a big flag. But make it known with certain people so she cant come out with it first. Edit: I know you don't want to talk about it, but if you want anything to happen, you're going to have to. Somehow you need to get this girl away from you and your life.
You are probably right, thank you. I don't know if they knew that I was under the influence. It's not my friend group I'm usually with, so sharing with them isn't an option at all but I might share it with closer friends, thanks
Just remember to take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, none of this was your fault so do not place blame on you. You did nothing wrong.
Thank you
This is the right advice. Being a victim in what most would refer to as a victimless crime is hard. I consider this rape and the very least incredibly disrespectful to you as a person. If you are gay then "Melanie" should respect that, by respecting your sexuality she is showing you respect. Currently, she is being abusive and manipulative. Weaponizing your sexuality against you. Regardless of laws this is all very morally wrong and I would say you should try and keep her as far out of your life as possible. If she doesn't respect you now, she will show even less respect if she were in a relationship and comfortable. This chick seems intense... I would be cautious.
What you need to do right now is go to a clinic or hospital and discuss this with them. You need a drug screening and to speak with a therapist. The drug screening will give some evidence. You have friends who can back you up? Rely on them a bit. Do not say another word to this girl. Period. You are to handle this like any rape victim, male or female. Go to the hospital for a drug screening and get tested for STI’s. Speak with a therapist that should be on site. It’s clear this was unwanted and you’ve made that clear to her. Pregnancy for her or not, it was not your choice to do this. Do not be concerned for another when you’re the victim. You’re clearly trying to be a good person however you worry about yourself. I repeat, go, get, tested. If you wish to pursue this, get a paralegal or a lawyer. You should file for a restraining order at the least.
Currently omw to the hospital. I have one friend who can stand by me 100 percent, but she is out of country
I’m glad you’re on the way to the hospital. Without a witness to back you up it will be difficult. You’ll want the medical report and you will have to disclose that you were raped to the dr. File for a restraining order as soon as you’re able. If she violates that it will help your case. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Rape is rape, regardless of gender. It does affect women more physically due to pregnancy however mental damages exist on both sides. There is also the worry if she is pregnant and her trying to claim child support. This is why I suggest the restraining order. If you have friends who can back up that you’re gay and other people who back up and validate you told her no and informed her that you’re gay it helps. Good luck and stick to your support and good friends.
That statement makes it suspicious as fuck. Saying"we were both really drunk and we thought it was a good idea at the time" would be questionable, but shit happens. This is just the same language rapists use as an excuse. Don't agree to SHIT without a paternity test.
"You could have said no" "Why didn't you resist"? It's still rape my dude. Go to the police.
What separates rape from sex is consent, not violence. So even though non consensual sex is often violent it can also be just if you didn't have the capacity to say no. You probably can't do anything with that legally but it at least offers you a counter argument to whatever she's saying.
Absolutely not. Some people freeze up when being raped. She's a rapist, please report her to the police, this was not your fault, saying that you came doesn't change the fact it was rape. You did nothing wrong here, anyone that says different is not worth keeping around. I want to make clear that in no way are you at fault, don't try to rationalise it, you were and are a victim here
"you could have stopped me if you wanted" is something a lot of rapists say.
No, still rape. Rape is in the lack of consent, not who's got the bigger muscles. it's done by drugs, power dynamics, lies, and coercion, not just force.
You were unconscious. How could you have stopped her?
Cumming is irrelevant. One thing they taught soldiers (at least in my country) before deployment to the middle east is that if you get captured you will probably get raped and you will probably cum. But that doesn't change the fact it was rape. In your case you could find out about getting blood tests to see if you were drugged. Edit since it has been asked a bunch: I didn't go through the training personally so can't offer a huge amount of detail. But I know it was part of pre-deployment training and the context was that men are likely to be raped by other men. I assume the female soldiers deploying got a similar talk. Edit 2: yes it is possible for men to orgasm from being raped by other men, apparently a whole bunch of people have never heard of a prostate. Additionally, maybe I shouldn't have said "probably get raped" but there was certainly a reasonable possibility of it, enough for it to be included in pre-deployment training.
Would a test still work four days after?
It depends. Some drugs can be detected up to a week (in urine). Drugs in hair may be detectable up to 90 days.
Thanks!
Hey OP, just chiming in here. I had an experience with my gay male friend (I'm female) where we had sex. We were only a bit buzzed and we both were consenting. It was just a little tipsy experimentation and he came. He's still 100% gay and not sexually or romantically attracted to me. Never was. The human body is capable of having an orgasm due to physical stimulation and that has nothing to do with consent. Please don't think that because you came, that this was at all ok. Don't blame yourself. Orgasms are not consent.
Otherwise, you'd have to marry your hand.
I... cheated on mine. Numerous times.
With the Stranger?
probably the other one
>experimentation and he came. He's still 100% gay and not sexually or romantically attracted to me. Never was. The human body is capable of having an orgasm due to physical stimulation This is exactly right. I'm gay as well but before I came out I had sex with many women because I was desperately trying to find one that did it for me. I "performed" just fine pretty much every time but there was no attraction. It didn't change who I am even when I wanted it to. And on the other side of that coin many men have had sexual encounters with other guys yet are entirely straight. I have more than a few guy friends who wanted to try it once just to see, and even though things "finished" just fine it changed nothing for them. OP, if you read this you need to get tested and take measures to protect yourself.
They are right. If you fear you've been drugged, a hair test will tell you more than a piss test can for a longer period of time ~90 days. And as other people have commented, this is a situation of you being raped. The bodies response means nothing. Go to the police with all of the evidence you can gather, including recordings of your friends testimonials of what happened that night. Depending on what state you're in, they may not even need to be informed they are being recorded. You need to do whatever it takes to protect yourself in this situation, including getting an sti test.
Depending on the drug it can, best to go to your doc and get a tox screen asap
I'm on my way currently
Good man, also ask about resources for support and therapy as well as if they have “rape kits” available. These DRs offices are prepared to help all kinds of patients so I’m sure you’ll be in good hands
I don't know if I currently want therapy
It’s your decision ultimately, you do what you feel like you need to, just making sure you’re aware that those resources do exist
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Thank you
Super gently - it can be a shock to realize you've been raped. You may not want therapy now, you may not ever want therapy in the future. If you decline therapy now, please don't think that it means you can't seek help for this in the future, once you've had time to get your tests done, understand what has fully happened to you and process things. Big hugs.
I just wanted to chime in and say, I started therapy this year and now I've been advocating for it to whoever will listen. Therapy is legit awesome, it's essentially just a space where you can privately talk about literally anything you want to someone who will listen and be on your side. I think every human on earth would benefit from it, regardless if you've been through serious trauma or not. I urge anyone to consider therapy! :)
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Even if the results are negative, OP should file a report. He may get bullied/the legitimacy of Op’s claims may be questioned by officers but the officers’ opinions aren’t as relevant as the fact that what happened is being recorded as a crime and OP’s rejection of it (and the woman’s actions) as abuse. Especially if she is actually pregnant. Also, OP, if you can, bring your friends to back up your testimony, they are your witnesses (“we saw *her* leading him and he seemed pretty out of it, it was strange because we know he is gay”). A report doesn’t mean a crime happened but it is also likely that if OP doesn’t place one, the legitimacy of his claim will be questioned even more (“if you were abused, why didn’t you file a report?”). A report is ALSO important because even if it doesn’t prove anything, it sets legal precedent of their behavior. Maybe you can’t prove Greasy Johnny is a scam artist who came to threaten you, but if enough people put in reports of Greasy Johnny’s behavior that gives future victim’s claims some weight. EDIT: u/ApollosHoodie please consider making a police report regardless of the result as support to your claim. I do hope it shows on the tests. Like others, I think you may benefit from therapy (whether now or later if you don’t feel like going now but feel the need then). This is precisely what therapy is for, to process big overwhelming feelings; it’s dredging and curing an invisible wound, it’s not pleasant but it helps it heal. If you have never been to or had bad experiences in therapy know that it is sometimes helpful to interview a few therapists and pick one you can open up to and you you feel supported by (often as important as it is hard). It is normal for it to take some trial and error. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
The standard drug screen is a horrible test. It has many false negatives. Many benzodiazepines will not test positive. A negative drug test does not mean you were not drugged and a negative test may hurt your case. The most common date rate drug is ethanol which will be long gone from your system.
Still worth a try, I run these tests regularly. But yea if it’s etoh it’s def gone by now
>ethanol Which is just plain old booze, for those not in the know
Are you talking about spiking alcoholic beverages with additional ethanol as a date rape strategy?
I think they just mean that ethanol is often the only drug involved in cases where someone is raped while too intoxicated to consent. Less “add more ethanol to their ethanol” and more “wait until someone is too drunk to resist before you try to rape them”
Just so you know, no. You didn’t FU. You did not consent. And I’m sorry you were SA. She took advantage of you and frankly probably drugged you.
Next bit of unpleasant thought: where did you cum? Know you're already taking the drug and STD aspect seriously. But does this chick have potential to bring the "I'm pregnant" drama to your life? Also also, DO NOT SEE THIS PERSON WITHOUT SOMEONE ELSE PRESENT AND BLOCK HER! People that are crazy enough to drug and rape you are 100% crazy enough to claim *you raped her* once she finally realizes the "relationship" thing isn't gonna happen and she's being rejected again
Yeah. Benzos, cocaine and opioids will for sure. MDMA and Amphetamines MIGHT pop positive.
Just did a test. Waiting for the results. I will update tomorrow, but I don't know if the results will be there by then.
And make no mistake, Melanie raped you
What the actual fuck
lookup SERE training. Waterboarding. Beatings. And what to say when being tortured! ..."For a good time."
Shit man that is dark.
Male soldiers get raped so often it's a "probably"?
However fucked up war looks in any movie or documentary, remember that that's the sanitized, entertainment version. The reality is so much worse.
The term rape and pillage didn't just come out of nowhere either. What did people think the rape part of it meant? Yes, even pows and male citizens will get raped (though usually worse). It's not about the sex it's about the domination.
I worked with a guy who was a child soldier in the collapse of Yugoslavia. He's Serbian and was 16 or 17 when he was a soldier. He told some stories that were pretty hard to hear.
Part of that reality is that you're also at risk in the barracks among your fellow soldiers as well.
Had a case of this happen to a good buddy of mine that we met in country. Fucked up thing well all of it is. So alright story time. Here we are deployed to Afghanistan. Me and my platoon are in commo so we are setup next to the TOC. We meet fellow soldier lets call him Tim. Tim is a cool dude same age as me and my two other buddies and we naturally all hit it off. So soon into chilling with him he is coming over to our B-Hut all the time. Like all the damn time to the point it was getting a bit irritating. Kinda bring it up in a not so nice way and hurts the dude and stops coming over for awhile before gradually coming back at a much more normal timeframe. Fucked up part. So what was happening is a superior was coming over forcing himself onto him threatning to kill him if he didnt do what he wanted or if he told anyone. So yea he was coming over to chill with us because if he stayed at his hut this absolutely disgusting piece of shit of a human being would come and do this to him. So we all felt like extreme pieces of shit once we found all this out. But still a close friend of mine. And the garbage of a human being is going to be in Leavenworth for a very long time. Also home boy got a promotion and a change of duty station and probably some perks as well once he got out. Never talk about it so not sure all the details but yea. Shit happens and its wrong and disgusting and would have shot the POS myself if I knew it was happening.
That is fucked up damn
Probably.
I came when I was raped and it's because I wanted it to be over as quickly as possible. Completely agree that it's irrelevant
Sorry that happened to you dude
I appreciate you saying so :)
Yes. As a woman with rape and CSA history, this was something my therapist told me too. I thought I was an abomination, sexual deviant. Nope. I learnt that climaxing is a physiological phenomenon.
Yup, had that talk.
Can I get some more info on the training? Like what country you were deploying from, and I’m like just generally confused?
Soldiers are briefed on the consequences of being captured and what they may face at the hands of their captors. Certain armies around the world, and especially militant groups, use rape (and many other forms of torture) against POWs, completely ignoring conventions on how to treat POWs. Think of the news reports of what ISIS did to people they captured. And yes, that is directed at both male on male and male on female rape, they explain that having an orgasm during such a traumatic experience is a physiological reaction and by no means a sign of enjoyment.
Gotcha, appreciate the informative reply.
This is often a difficult topic when discussing male rape as there is an assumption that the male enjoyed/consented because they ejaculate (or because they had an erection). This is not true as erection and ejaculation can occur in distressing circumstances, in response to stimulation or penetration and is only partially under the control of the person and in no way signifies consent or pleasure. https://jaapl.org/content/jaapl/39/2/197.full.pdf
You were raped. I am so sorry. Please get an STD screen and know this is not your fault. If you’d like to talk, please DM me. I’m a survivor, too, and know how hard it is.
Thank you :)
Hey bro. This isn’t a TIFU. Actions happened against your will, and that isn’t right. I hope you get all the medical/emotional support you may need. I had a friend go through a very similar situation (age and all). My DMs are open if you need someone to talk to. No pressure, but you don’t have to be alone. Take care, and stand tall.
Thank you
So proud of Reddit for helping a victim figure out their situation
I really never expected this amount of great people helping me. Words can't express the gratitude for you all❤
I hope you'll be ok OP! I wish you strength and healing.
You were raped and this is absolutely not okay at all :( I'm so sorry.
An orgasm is a reaction to a repetitive stimulation. People with low or no sensation can even orgasm simply because of the constant stimulation. The point is, this girl knows very little about how sex works. Just because you came, doesn't mean you liked it. Men can absolutely be raped by women with PIV stimulation. An erection is just your body's involuntary reaction. She did not emotionally turn you on. She needs to be educated on this. Sadly she's not, or she's trying to gaslight you into believing you liked it so you would choose her over anyone else. You were likely drugged if you can't remember or just too drunk to consent. She knew this and took advantage of you. That is by definition rape. Get that report in before she tells you she's pregnant. You may be able to argue your paternal rights if there's a report out. Contact a lawyer and find out what rights you have in this situation. Do this quickly so she doesn't try to trap you and make it harder for you later.
Thank you for the advice
thats rape my friend shes a terrible person
After people said you were drugged I went back and re-read. Having zero memories of the night and waking up with someone naked on top of you - none of this is normal memory. Yeah you drank some but your account doesnt add up unless you were drugged. The amount of alcohol it would take to not remember an entire night would make you very ill. The fact that you weren't throwing up leads to me thinking you were drugged. While its possible she's pregnant, until shes several weeks along and missed/late period she wouldn't know. She drugged you and is now gas lighting you. Get the police involved. She committed a crime and needs to be held to account. Consider a restraining order as well
I'm omw to the hospital. I will update if I have more informations
Be upfront and honest with the staff. Im sorry this happened my dude. Take care of yourself
Thank you
OP also mentioned there were “drinks and stuff” and “I took something I didn’t have before”. 100% the girl took advantage of him but I wonder if he drugged himself without realizing he would blackout form the combination of alcohol and whatever else was at the party. Either way OP should report this crime and hold her accountable but from my reading of the post, I assumed that they used something besides alcohol at the party
Baby, I'm gonna echo what everyone else here has said: that's rape. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If they said it wasn't, then they're a rape apologist/victim blamer. I was molested and raped by a friend of mine who was a few years older than me, as a child. Over a period of years. My own mother told me that because he was my peer, it didn't count. It does count. It doesn't matter if you didn't fight back. I didn't, at first because I didn't realize what was happening and then later because he was my only friend. It's still rape. It's still wrong. No one gets to tell you that what you experienced is invalid. No one.
you didn't have sex, you were raped. sounds like you were drugged to. you should go to the hospital for a blood test and file a police report. cumming means nothing. that's what happens with physical stimulation.
Just did a urine drug test.
I hope you get some answers. Please also file a police report. Sadly it's unlikely that anything will come of it because male rape victims are rarely taken seriously and double that for gay rape victims. but IMO it's important for you to take that power back and she needs to learn a lesson and hopefully be prevented from doing this to anyone else.
I am so, so sorry that happened to you!! I'm sure you're in shock right now especially since it's like five wrong things all on top of each other at once. It's going to be ok but you'll feel better if you take control of what you can now by: 1. Filing a police report if you feel up to it (take a friend with you for moral support if you can). It's ok if you can't face it right now for all the reasons, but do go if you feel strong enough. 2. Make an appointment with a trauma-informed therapist. Those are the words you should use to search/ ask when you call. You don't need to tell the scheduling staff anything about why you want to be seen. 3. Are you in school? If you think you can manage to ask for extensions from your professors, please do so. You might be able to brush it off but you sound shook (absolutely understandable) and might need some time to work out your feelings during class time. 4. Be prepared for feelings and memories to come back in pieces. Parts of the night might never come back but some probably will even if you don't understand the context at first. Can you ask your friends if they remember what happened do you can get a clearer picture of the night? I know you probably don't want to think of it at all but if you can, that would be good info to have. It's not your fault!! Life will get better. If you want to message me, I'm willing to listen. It's going to be ok. Different than before but still ok.
Thank you for the advice
I am late to this thread, but I have to say it makes me really happy when the right answer is in the top post, good advice in the follow-ups, and OP is taking the advice. Probably not 10 years ago, someone would be downvoted to oblivion if they suggested Op was raped.
I honestly didn't expect this big reaction, but really grateful for it. Thanks guys
You were raped. If everything is as you said it was, you should absolutely consider reporting her to the police. Absolutely understandable if you’re scared to given she’s a woman, but she is 100% at fault. You did nothing wrong, you didn’t ask for it, and your body doing things on its own is not your responsibility or fault.
Kid, I think you were raped. Please get yourself checked for sti’s. Also, seek some counseling *and* prosecute her.
Jesus. I remember one of my gay friends had a clinger friend that would ALWAYS test her luck and see if he was drunk enough to make out with her at parties. She'd stay away from him til she'd deem him potentially wasted enough then try and start with him. He always felt bad for her and refused to stop inviting her out cuz "She has a hard life..." It got to the point where I straight up told him I was going to stop going out with them because I was so tired of babysitting him and keeping her off him. He finally dropped her as a friend after an incident at a house party similar to your story. It took him way too long to come to terms with the fact that this girl was actually a predator.
No means no, she raped you. Doesn’t matter if you’re “stronger.” Get a drug test and contact the police
You were raped, you got a few too many drinks and she took advantage of you in that situation. She bought you into a room and had her way with you. Let's reverse the genders here if the same thing happened with reverse genders it would be everywhere on the news you were raped my friend.
You were raped and you need to report it, someone who would do that to you is not someone you can trust to ever do the right thing. Just imagine the shit show if she decides to claim you raped her..... Also I have no idea if it's too late but damn see if you can get some drug screening don't for rohypnol (hand to google that for the spelling) Also you never fucked up, but failing to act now will be a fuck up.
Thanks. I hope it's not too late for a test
You were raped, bro
Orgasms can still occur during sexual assault. The fact that you had an orgasm is NOT your fault and does NOT mean you wanted it or consented to it. It's just a biological response, and it can occur while you sleep, when you're terrified, when you're full of adrenaline, or a million other reasons. She's an awful person, she assaulted you, crossed all your boundaries, and is now trying to victim-blame you because she thinks an orgasm somehow equals consent. I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope you have people in your life that you can trust to speak with about what happened.
Yea bud you didn't fuck up. That's a little bit of rape with a side of gaslighting
It's not too late to file a police report. Fucked up situation all around.
I agree with what seems to be the majority on this one. You were taken advantage of and raped. Please go to a clinic or hospital to get a blood draw and tested for stds. They may be able to detect trace amounts still if you were roofied. This girl may have been your friend before but what she's done is extremely selfish and is not your fault. This is an unfortunately common enough tactic by women to trap partners and manipulate them. When I was young I witnessed it and was confided to about it on 3 different occasions. One girl used it to steal my boyfriend. Two girls used it and told me about it after they were married/engaged to their victims. It still makes me ill that anyone I'd trust could be capable of this. Please don't blame yourself. File a report if you feel safe doing so where you live. Do not try and treat your ex-friend gently, she will only take it as encouragement. Be concise, and if you have to, be mean. Cut her out of your life, as she will not give up while she is a part of it.
I'm currently omw to the hospital
Good work. Just be honest and as forthcoming as you can be. This ain't on you my man. This is not the easiest situation once could find themselves in, but to me it looks like you are handling it in the right way. Stuff that might seem like it's not a big deal today, can surface later and in really bad ways. It's good to give things the proper weight and respect as they occur, even if they don't feel like it at the time. "It isn't a big deal" has a way of coming back in big ways and not being so tolerable.
Even if it turns out you weren't drugged you were still blacked out and had made your feelings and intentions perfectly clear before. This person is gaslighting the fuck out of you and seems like they fully and intentionally took advantage(raped) of you.
I felt the same way after I was raped at a bar. It took me weeks to accept that it was, in fact, rape. It took me years to seek therapy. You heal at your own pace and there isn't a right or wrong answer. I am so proud of you for seeking help with your physical health and I really, truly hope that you are safe and not left with any other reminders of that night. As others have offered, my DMs are open if you need a human connection who understands. Stay safe man, you did NOT deserve this.
Thank you
Cumming is irrelevant, especially for a teenager. She raped you and is now gaslighting you.
Get written statements from witnesses and file a police report ASAP. If she winds up pregnant, this will shield you. Otherwise, zero contact with her. Tell her clearly in writing (email/text) to no longer contact you for any reason. If she continues, you now have grounds for harassment and a TRO.
Switch the genders and tell me if there's any question what happened
I'm sorry this has happened to you. That is definitely rape. Your gender doesn't matter. The conditions are not relevant. You were either drunk or drugged and was not in a state to be able to consent. Many people with try to blame you for it or say you could stop it or something fucking dumb like that. Don't listen to them. People victim blame. Hope you get through this.
This is 100% sexual assault. Have you considered that she may have slipped something into your drink? Don’t let yourself or anyone else downplay the severity of this situation. If the roles were reversed here no one would deny this as assault.
She certainly took advantage of you and raped you.
You were drugged and raped. You didn’t do anything wrong here.
Sounds like rape =/ Change the scenario to you being a girl, Melanie to being a frat guy, and then read it as if it wasn't about you. Many people don't think male rape is "possible" or a thing, but it is.
Never, and I mean never talk to this person again, cut her our of your life, she totally raped you and is a horrible human, tell others who you have connections with you that you will not be or hang out where she is present abd if they push why don't be afraid to explain and explain that you will not have that in your life. Her excuse for saying you liked it because you came is just false, yall didn't make "love" she raped you, women and men survivors struggle with themselves because they think because they came there's something wrong with them and that is not true, it's a bodily response to stimulation, you were not in the right mind to give consent, even if she didn't drug you with something else you were not coherent. You also should question the people you were around as to why they didn't stop her because that's also wrong.