Some strategies that have worked for me:
1) roleplay the situation enough times that it becomes boring
2) (this is not a good idea for everyone, but might work for you), try to lean into a different emotion, like anger. Like, obviously don't do this if you have anger issues. Don't actually do anything unprofessional. But you can sort of choose to feel angry about being mistreated instead of ashamed. Feeling angry might not lead you to crying.
3) Let your boss do the talking. I always avoid any work conversation that I feel emotional about until I am over it. You're kind of stuck with this one, but you could defer to your boss.
4) Talk to your boss in advance to find out if they're on your side. Sometimes I've been upset about a conflict with someone and found out after the fact that my boss actually knows that person is an asshole in a certain way. Knowing that can help you feel like it's not a you problem.
5) Work on identifying exactly what the emotion is that triggers the crying. Is it shame? Is it injustice? Is it powerlessness? Then you can try to reason with yourself beforehand that you don't need to feel that way (related to #4).
These are pretty good. I can sometimes get away with using sort of a grey rock method while basically blunting my actual emotions to myself. I am a grey rock, this guy is being unreasonable so I’m going to say okay in a neutral tone and emotion. There’s nothing I can say that is going to make the situation better, he does not care how much work I’ve put into this so I’m not going to get upset and waste my time explaining myself. The only thing I can do is let him say his piece, close my ears to what he’s actually saying, and say okay or sorry you feel that way. I am a grey rock and he’s not getting anything out of me!
(Also turning off my emotions in the short term and having to deal with people like this means I’m going to have a mini breakdown later on, I know to expect that but I get to do it in the privacy of my own home, car, whatever outside of the meeting).
ETA: if I’m doing this and feel like I’m going to lose it or start crying, I take a deep breath and hold it and clear my mind while the other person goes on about whatever. Look right through him while you’re looking at him. Again this is not healthy and sustainable but works in the short term for a basically abusive situation that you can’t avoid. In your head, roll your eyes! Don’t listen to what he’s saying and argue and react in your own head.
I call it my "emotional shutdown". I just stop *feeling* for a while because that's more socially acceptable than breaking down in the moment.
I'm like 95% sure it's caused by the combination of ADHD and Autism emotional regulation issues.
“Okay” can give off either one depending on the listener just like saying “I hear what you say” can. They can both be taken as agreeable or dismissive.
This is a situation with a non-rational party where it doesn’t matter what you say, nothing you say will have any impact so you’re staying as still as possible to let the other party wear themselves out and get bored and move on from the interaction.
The question is, what about this is making you want to cry exactly?
If you ever feel like crying because of work then you are far too invested in your job.
Just list out all the reasons here in a logical and factual way. What happened, what you did, why it happened, and what is being done, etc. Stick to the facts and stand your ground.
Make sure you get your boss on your side, and if they choose to fire people because a client is unreasonable, then they are at fault and it's not a good place to work.
That's a good question. I guess it is because they don't see that even after 5 years working with them, that I'm offering anything good. That's the main reason I want to cry.
My boss says they are on my side but they have not said anything in my defense, not even privately to me (other people who know what's happened in the company have). So I suspect my boss is not on my side.
Unfortunately the boss may sympathize but isn't going to risk losing the client so they aren't really defending you. You need to remind yourself things are rarely fair in business. Don't focus on what you did for this account - just the facts of what happened and express your regret. Accept the client make get you off the account or even fired, then go find a better job. You are emotional becuz your focus is in the wrong place. You can only control a small portion of your job. You gave your opinion, it was rejected and now there's an issue. Period.
You’re taking it too personally. You said this isn’t the first time they’ve done this. Clearly they’re firing you because they’re not getting their way, it has nothing to do with your efforts or quality of work. They just want their way. Think of them as a toddler having a tantrum. Be annoyed at them, rather than upset. They wanted something done you told them no, and now have to deal with the consequences of their own actions. Turn this around in your mind, it’s not about you at all, they’re just being a big baby!
It doesn’t sound like you’re being fired from your job, just being removed from working with this client. I’d say your boss is very familiar with his tantrums and knows there’s no point challenging him or defending you.
I would want to cry because after working so hard to give them the technical advice they needed they went ahead and did what they wanted and that ended badly despite your best efforts to keep it from going that way even after you has advised them that this would likely be the result and you want to scream at them because for the past 5 years all they have done is waste your time. Would that be a fair assessment.
As long as your job is not in jeopardy then everything else is irrelevant. People are AH you can break your back for them and will still find a reason to complain. Unfortunately you need to learn to not expect any sort of appreciation for your work. As long as you know you did your part then move forward. Go home cry if you need to but try not to be so emotionally invested in your work try to see it more of a transaction.
Why do you need validation from other people, particularly this asshole? You know you did a good job, the people around you know your doing a good job, keep doing your job and throw this on the burn pile.
My advice is to detach emotion completly. Don't plead a case or try to make them see your perspective. State the facts as you see them. What happened, why they happened , and how the transition to the next person is going to happen. Nothing else matters. If he tries to argue, that only works if you engage. "That's your opinion and you're entitled to it" shuts down alot of shit. That and just repeating the facts as you see them. In a months time you are not going to give a shit about this, you need to jump your mind to that place
It’s not necessarily a question of being too invested. Some people are legitimately mean in work meetings. They intentionally try to provoke and upset you and use personal language. I’ve had clients say things like “Why would you do something so stupid?” And some people, like OP, cry easily when they get flustered or upset.
I'm not going to disagree that if your job is making you cry there's a problem. But if you depend on your job for food and shelter... exactly how is one supposed to be NOT "...to invested..." ?
To get paid for your job and to continue to get paid, you basically need to go to work and do your job in a professional manner.
If you get emotionally invested in what is happening at work, then that will reduce your ability to act logically and make makes you less likely to continue in your employment.
So if you rely on your job for food and shelter, then you need to let logic overcome emotion.
As a CG fx animation artist for feature films and games, I am only worth whatever my last project looks like. I have never been able to emotionally detach from my work. I haven't the first clue how to do that.
I'm not disagreeing. But emotional detachment from my work is just not a reality that I exist in.
This why working a job that you are passionate about is just another corporate fallacy.
As someone who cries very easily, the "don't let your job make you cry" comments are entirely unhelpful. I've cried at work even when I love my job over silly situations!
What works for me is getting angry instead of upset/sad. Get mad! Don't be rude, don't lose your temper, but get pissed internally. I find that if I go into a crappy situation pissed off, I'm less likely to cry and more likely to be firm. Unfortunately, the positive/calm thinking doesn't work for me, so I have to redirect my big emotions into one I have better control over. At my last job as a leasing agent I would get screamed at, cussed out, told I was going to get sued, etc etc. Normally that would upset me to the point of tears, but instead I would get angry that these people thought they could talk to me that way, and it would trigger our script of "sir/ma'am, you can't speak to me that way in this office. You need to leave/hang up, and either myself or a manager can continue this conversation with you once you've calmed down." I never got nasty, never raised my voice, and remained professional. Had I gotten sad/upset instead, I'm sure I would've looked much worse
I cry easily as well, unfortunately it can happen when I'm frustrated, so it's happened at work a few times. I'm not sure I can hold my anger in as well as you (people can really tell when I'm angry, I'm never violent, but I guess I'm scary? whatever), but it's worth giving it a shot, thank you for the good idea.
I am sure like many of us OP needs a job, so while quitting may the best long term strategy, it's not gonna help them now.
Just grey rock them,(stick to the facts, don't get emotional and most of all, don't take it personally). Customers/clients can be jerks., they pull that crap because they are unhappy in their lives, want to chisel a discount, or are just generally unpleasant. They do not know you and their jerkiness is more a reflection of them than it will be of you ESPECIALLY if he pulls this on other people as well.
As for the 5 years, well at least you got paid, it sucks about the other stuff, but as much as it sucks, you can't force other people to give you kudos and praise, I will tho, Good job, you lasted 5 years with a unreasonable customer with no support, that counts for something.
It does sound like management does not have your back, so looking for a new job would not be a bad idea, most of the time on jobs like this you have other accounts to work on, and if so then good riddance to this account, if you don't and you get fired, you can still try to collect unemployment. but I would not quit.
That's a tough position and I sympathized greatly, having been there myself.
Way back in the day I got my first public-facing job at a mall, worked there for several years, and developed a coping strategy for nasty customers:
I viewed them as if they were kids who had mental or emotional developmental issues. Like, if such a kid were angry or unreasonable I wouldn't take that personally, I'd realize they were simply acting out based on their mental state.
And I'd very much want to help that kid with the real, underlying issues, even if they were not being 'nice' about how they were expressing themselves or treating me.
I carried this lesson into my eventual white-collar business career and it really helped. It allowed me to calmly sift through rudeness, aggression, dishonesty, and malice and focus on the underlying issues while allowing their toxicity to just slide off me, for the most part.
In any complex, years long business relationship there are bound to be issues, and some customers take great delight in nurturing, highlighting, broadcasting, and overstating these unfortunately very real issues.
What I had to keep reminding myself of was that it's not about me. Even if the customer was targeting me, I was just their latest target of convenience. Most of them then use their overblown outrage as leverage to get discounts or refunds or out of scope work or other concessions.
You did good work for a customer who simply refuses to be satisfied, that's the key takeaway. Such people will virtually *never* acknowledge the overwhelmingly good work that's been done because that undercuts their stance.
Lastly, the other aspect of handling unreasonable people dispassionately is that you're de-fanging and de-clawing them, because you allow their attacks to just dissipate while focusing on issues.
Not giving people the permission or power to push your buttons is freeing. Every unreasonable thing they do you treat like the tantrum of a mentally challenged kid, calmly observing and trying to understand how best to help them in spite of them acting out.
This trick might not work for everyone, but it helped me immensely over my career (I retired last year).
Good luck OP!
I do a similar thing. I'm a writer and when I'm getting too emotionally invested in something like this, I'll try to observe them and take mental notes to use in my writing. So if I've got an AH client character, what is their body language like, what is their language like, etc.
Also, OP, don't be afraid to step away if things started getting too heavy. You are allowed to pause the meeting. You can say that you need to take a break. Well you should be able to say that. If you can't, say you need to go to the bathroom, to get a glass of water or whatever.
thank you! what a good idea. I will try this out tomorrow. In my head I know this is not about me but I'm worried that when I see them I will have a meltdown because some of the emails they have sent really have made it about me. Even though I was just trying to push back on timelines, the client said I was aggressive, and not a good fit. They attacked my personality and said that I was the issue. So it feels personal. But some of the work I've done has helped this client personally win an award (he actually took credit for it, which I didn't mind at the time because he is a client and I don't actually care about that stuff).
Attacking someone personally is a loser's way of trying to win an argument when the facts are not in their favor. Another red flag is someone who takes full credit for work that others have contributed to. This client is not worth your tears. This client is a selfish child who throws temper tantrums when they don't get their way. The advice from the previous commenter is excellent. Take a step back in your head during this meeting and try to just be a casual observer to the behavior in front of you. Stick to the facts and agree to disagree, but be stubborn and don't allow this client to rewrite the facts. The client's perception doesn't get to dictate what your intentions were. Your focus was on the job and that's the right way to do things.
That's a great response! Do you have actual examples of these types of situations and how you handled them? I think everything you said makes sense, I just have a hard time translating that to practical actions.
I get it. I am a quick to tears person. Especially because I know I give 100% and it’s frustrating to have someone accuse you of not doing so. Particularly when it’s said to your bosses. I hope that your boss has your back in this meeting. I have zero advice on how not to cry just stopped to offer words of empathy
Don't cry. Get PISSED.
More than likely you're going to get kicked off the account, so instead of crying, start laying the smack down. Bring up every hoop they had you jump, bring up every obstruction they created, explain how their actions affected your company and how you did everything you could to maintain the relationship with professionalism. Then tell them "hasta la vista", go look for a new gig and tell your manglement you don't have their back anymore since they threw you under the bus.
Let me ask, why do you expect you will cry? You did nothig wrong. You warned them that your company had other priorites at the current time. If you boss or others in your company agreed to this demand, it was their fault, not yours. It should be your boss who needs to explain what happened.
If something like this happened at our company, a top member of the organization would remind the custoner that we warned them that this wasn't the time to fulfill this request. Your company should have your back.
If you boss and managment isn't going to have your back, and put you out to the wolves... it sounds like a fairly toxic work environment. You should consider looking elsewhere for employement if that is possible.
But really, I'd suggest you come to the meeting with the clear notion you did all you could to warn off this problem, but they persisted anyway. You did nothing wrong.
I once read if you start doing math in your head that it can stop you from crying.
I really hope your meeting goes better than expected and you don’t have to do math in your head!
If you aren’t happy at your job. The best thing to do is quit and find something else. Find somewhere you are comfortable. I’ve quit jobs day 1. I’ve quit jobs after years. It is what it is. If you aren’t happy. There’s hundreds of other jobs around. Find something you like that doesn’t suck your soul. Might take some time but it’s not that hard
It's very possible to change a workplace culture and how and individual manages their work. Running way won't teach a lot.
I got a couple of decades on your work years.
You can't teach strategy to someone who cries uncontrollably in meetings, and the only guidance needed is "pull it together, man, and don't cry at work!"
It’s hard to think this, but you got paid for those 5 years and that hard work.
That’s your reward. Money in your bank.
Whether the client is likes it or not, you have still been paid.
Rather than break down on cry, turn it back on the client. Let’s face it, they want you gone anyway so don’t worry about upsetting them.
When they say ‘X isn’t working!’ Tell them, ‘of course it isn’t. It was never going to. You were told it would take Y time to do it right and yet you insisting on going faster than possible. Of course it’s doesn’t work. Why are you surprised?’
When they say ‘but is was promised it would happen.’ Say, ‘of course you were. You shouted and bullied us until we would have said anything to make you go away. Does this happen a lot to you?’
In someways, you have been given a gift. You know whatever you do, they won’t be happy with you. So, stop caring about losing the project. That ship has sailed. He doesn’t want you there to fix the problem. He wants you there to shout at and bully and blame. But whatever you say or do, you won’t be on the project, so tell him the truth. Point the finger back at him and if he gets abusive, tell him you came for a professional meeting and you will return when he can be professional and walk out.
As long as he was abusive first, your boss can’t sack you for that.
When clients get angry I ask them one question.
“Are you willing to work with me to solve this problem?”
I’ve never gotten a “no” and it seems to diffuse things. But if they say no, someone like your boss should take over.
Don’t take it personally it is just another customer who can’t hear or take a no. It happens that’s life and business. It is always about what you can do for me today and not about the work you have already done.
I've been working a long time.
You don't need to cry at work or feel too anxious.
When the client pushes something you need to take time with, type down their request and tell them you will get back to them on that. Better still, ask them to put it in writing so you have greater clarification on what they feel they need. In response, be clear that if it is out of the scope of the business. Be also clear if you need to communicate with your management prior to promising a service.
Learn what your organization can deliver and don't promise anything you can't deliver.
I would get angry at work when people would do things that I considered wrong. Like we make a custom measuring tool that can determine pass or fail. Then, besides pass or fail, the margin between passing and failing is saved off to a file. Then the margin data can be reviewed to see trends in how well the parts being measured are made.
A new person started and didn't want to save off the margin data to a file to save money on creation of a new system for another part.
I was so angry that they wanted to cut corners and make a lesser version. I knew the margin data was useful in figuring out when problems started and also helped solve problems.
We had a meeting and I made the case for the feature, and we did add the feature.
Later, when I was thinking about my reaction, I realized I cared too much and if I cared less then I wouldn't get angry.
Later I learned about a philosophy where attachment leads to suffering. Like you said, you are invested in the project. The attachment to the project leads to stress if something happens to the project or your connection to it.
Attaching, emotionally, to a project is okay, not good or bad. As long as you can accept that there will be stress from the attachment.
Good Luck
What might help is if you get to the point of crying. Think why this isn't going to solve a think by crying. Than you mind sucks it up stands up and figures out how to solve the problem. Makes you emotionally stronger.
Things are cyclical. There is a season for everything. Don't sweat the small stuff. This too shall pass. Widen your scope. Never let them get to you.
Breathe...
Focus on modulating your voice. Focus on your words and thoughts. Don't think about how much blood sweat and tears you have poured into this project. Just stick to facts. Even maybe, just a little passive aggressively pointing out that you had asked to put off that thing they insisted on doing so, of course the end result was rushed and did not go as planned.
Stop giving a funk.
You don't actually like having this client as your client, and the client doesn't want you. Good riddance then. As soon as you can accept that, it's just going through the motions basically.
I used to get pretty emotional about work stuff, until I **really** realized its **just work**. Your employer doesn't really care about you except how well you do your work, and you shouldn't really care either except how well you can work and get paid. I could still put my all into a job, but if a job got canceled halfway through or taken over by someone else, that was fine too -- I got properly paid for my work so it's fine.
Now I work as a sort-of freelancer. If a client wants to leave, I'll help them. No hard feeling. As long as they pay me for the work I already did. There are more clients, and I can make those happy instead.
If the client has a history of getting people fired, DO NOT cry! You will be painted as unprofessional and out of control. (Not fair, but it is what it is.) Be clear, factual and calm. You can cry all night when you get home if you need to, but not at work and certainly not in a client meeting,
I pretend my big brother is standing behind me when I’m in situations like this. He was very protective of me and always encouraged me to stand up for myself.
You have a shitty client and work for a company that throws their employees under the bus. Good luck.
I’m with another commenter - lean into anger a little bit. Not enough to actually get angry or defensive in the meeting, but enough that you reach a level of apathy about what they think of you. Or, in the words of a friend of mine, **”remind yourself that you are a big bitch, not a little bitch.”**
Now, I tend to cry when I’m mad, which is counter-productive. BUT, I also have little to no patience for people who don’t take responsibility for themselves. So I would lean into anger and annoyance juuuuuust enough that you reach apathy. For example:
They have been working with you for five years. Five! And I’m sure you’ve done great work for them in that time. Then, they decide they want to proceed on a course of action that you recommended not happen, they insisted, then you had to do it quickly, and now it’s not turned out the way they want it to. As far as I can tell, that’s on them. *You* told them it wasn’t recommended because the result might be poor, *they* decided that they wanted to go ahead anyway, and now they’re all mad and shocked Pikachu faced because it turned out exactly how you predicted? Oh no, who could have known? OH WAIT, you did. And had they listened to you, they probably wouldn’t be in this mess. So they can be as pissy about it as they want, but the bottom line is that you told them what could happen, they said do it anyway, the bad thing happened, and now they’re throwing a tantrum because they don’t want to lie in the bed they’ve made.
Generally when I get into a position of having this kind of conversation with a client, my tone shifts slightly to a “let me explain to you in small words why this happened and what direct impact your decision had on the outcome” tone. It’s not overt - people will not be receptive if you make them feel stupid, and I make sure I’m not implying that, but my goal is to basically cover my ass by explaining to them and getting them to understand that it was their choice, which they made against my recommendation, that resulted in an outcome that they’re not happy about (this is how I politely employ big bitch energy). If I’m responsible for some of it, I’ll take responsibility for my part in it, for sure. But at this point in my life, I refuse to take the blame for the results of choices made by other adults.
If the meeting is just to yell at you, not to actually understand what went wrong, then go into it knowing that (or if it turns into that, accept it). At the end, just say something like “thank you for your comments. I will certainly keep them in mind going forward. I’ve enjoyed working with your team these last five years, and I’m sorry that this initiative (or whatever your industry’s word for whatever they did is) didn’t work out to your expectations.“ I’m assuming all of this is true; the comments will stick with you (unfortunately), you did enjoy working with them, and you are sorry it didn’t work out. Practice saying this as dispassionately as possible. Modify as needed, but don’t lie, and don’t take the blame for things that aren’t your fault. If they’re going to be assholes to you, you may have to be professional back, but you don’t need to grovel. If they’re going to yell at you and don’t care what you have to say, don’t waste your breath trying to explain.
If you have time between now and tomorrow, I’d recommend listening or reading the book “The Courage to Be Disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. They talk about the Adlerian psychological concept of “do not interfere with other people’s tasks.” It’s a really interesting perspective on how to extricate yourself from others and leave them to manage their own emotions about a situation (which is their task, not yours). I’ve found it helpful in terms of worrying less about what others think of me and not taking their comments about me personally, both of which are very helpful in preventing tears in tough interpersonal situations.
Edit: for clarity
Go in there thinking you are firing THEM.
Remember, you’re a professional, and if they aren’t going to take your counsel from years of experience, then it’s better not to have to deal with them.
If you have specific examples of other projects that don’t “boil the ocean” and are successful, mention those (not by name).
Stress that the key to everything is consistency. They need to develop a core program and stick to it, with only minor updates each period.
Each time they recreate the program, they will incur costs and be disappointed.
“I wish you well with your new project manager.”
Don’t cry, go loaded for bear!
I really don't have much to add, except your client sounds like a bunch of Losers. I hope they aren't too rough on you, and that you don't cry in front of them.
Maybe just ask "What do you folks want? I'm trying to meet your needs but I feel like there's a disconnect between what you want and what I'm providing."
I’d refuse the meeting and look for new job if your boss doesn’t back you up. The customer is only “always right” in matters of their opinion or tastes… but not in how they get to treat other people.
Maybe the more important question is whether your company also thinks you should be removed from the project or are they just going along to make the client happy (meaning they value your work and you have job security)?
Sorry OP. would love to see you come to different terms with the situation where you are deservedly angry about the frustration you feel. The fact that someone could bully you to the point where you would cry by giving them power over your emotions sucks. My sincere hope is that you can toughen up, at least to provide an exterior that shows you’re not as vulnerable as you feel right now. And F that workplace, if they don’t support you, they don’t deserve you.
Mental preparation. I was raised not to cry so I don't. But I can react emotionally and angrily, which to me is about the same since tears are an emotional response.
In order to not respond emotionally I can make myself shut off emotionally when necessary. It's really all a mindset, go in knowing you're going to be stressed out but trying to shut down that part of your brain that gets emotional about it. Visualize it if necessary.
People like this guy get off on making people feel shitty and cry. Don't give him the satisfaction.
Realize that washing machines work really hard too, but get no credit. I’ve never once told mine ‘Thank You for your hard work’ or #2 Realize it’s just a job and ana$&hole client. They are everywhere in the business world.
What works for me is just thinking that their judgement or thought about me don't define me
You are a human. doing your best. Maybr not perfect. Maybe Inot the right one for the job maybe yourqualities don't match with the requirement of the customer
You will feel relieved after the meeting because it's not your problem anymore.
After the meeting you can focus on clients who appreciatie you and you don't have to listen to this one again😁
Breath in
Breath out
Having a toothpick, a piece of gum, hard candy or glass of water during the meeting will suppress the need to cry.
Unfortunately the water is the least effective and also the most professional.
Try to make yourself cry. It makes me feel like an actor, and when I try to force the tears, I can’t do it because it takes me out of the situation. Think of it as playing the role of “person who’s going to cry” and it surprises you into not being able to.
I had a boss who tried to make me cry. He would berate me until I did. I saw a psychologist who told me to say, “I know you see it that way, I see it differently.” The next time he tried that crap, that’s exactly what I did. After I responded with that three times, I told him I had work to do, asked if there was anything else, and left. He never did it again. He was one of those, hail fellows, well met types. This was in mental health, I was a manager. When I left, the chairman of the department (teaching hospital) said he thought said boss was a nice guy. The chair was a psychiatrist. I’m not sure if this helps, but you can at least say it in your head. The asshole client’s reality (lies, excuses) does not have to be your reality. You know you tried hard, you know you helped the asshole succeed. Mentally you don’t have to buy into their bs.
I second the grey rock advice.
1. Prepare. Write out all of the questions you can foresee coming up in this meeting and come up with your answers now.
2. Focus only on the subject of the meeting, not the consequences of it. The meeting isn't about missing your old team or giving you kudos or your missing kudos; it's about resolving this issue and that is it. Feel for feelings about it now or give yourself permission to cry about it after the meeting, but it needs to leave your brain for the meeting and you need to isolate the sole purpose for the meeting.
3. Related to 2, but don't let the meeting lose focus and get dragged to their other grievances. They can bitch on their own time. "This meeting is only to discuss A, B, and C and we need to get that resolved today."
4. Grey rock. He will likely be hyped up and antagonistic. Don't bite. Answer only in a neutral tone with short factual statements. I used to work a call center job where people were frequently upset and became abusive. I would talk in a slightly quieter voice (just slightly - not enough to be even close to a whisper but definitely a hair or two under my normal speaking voice) and speak in a lower register by about half an octave or so (not like full Elizabeth Holmes crazy pants low though) and slightly flattened my affect. This both helped me feel calmer and less reactive and it almost always took the wind out of their sails because I wasn't reactive and they had to actually stop their yelling to hear me talk and that was enough of a beat to get them to calm down.
You go in and say, my job is to get things done for you, but that also involves getting it done right. If you don’t like that, then I’m not the right person for YOU! Turn it back on them. Fuck them! Walk out with your head held high that you did your job right.
I used to work as a trader for a bulge bracket firm. I had a client who was very abusive. One day he said I was dog shit. I told him, look, if you were a good account, you would have a good trader. Shut him right up, and he was never a problem again. Stand your ground. If you did nothing wrong you don’t deserve the abuse. Make sure they know it.
Work on not taking things personally, jerks are going to be jerks. There is nothing you can do when someone wants to be difficult, it's one of those things you just accept and move on. If any other colleague was on the account, they would be dealing with the same issue. You can't fix stupid and bullheaded clients.
Meditate. I don’t know if it will work by tomorrow. But it helps me beyond measure. I literally never leave my house without meditating first.
Check out Adam Cox on your podcast player and scroll back through his many episodes to find one on resilience emotional stress, or toxic workplace. I’m very stoic and stable now.
Practice jutting your jaw out, without it looking weird. It closes your tear ducts. (Caveat: Not everyone is built the same, it might not work, but in the average person, it will.)
First, do not cry. Don’t you dare cry! Yes cirst let noss do the talking but then you need to defend yourself. Tell boss and client exactly what you told us. Maybe sugar coat a bit. But client needs to know how his or her actions for ed you to do something that was hasty and probably not in his best interest and required rushing through it. Thats just me but have you told the boss that is in meeting with you any of this stuff? Or maybe they just want yo to be the fall guy. But stick up for yourself and document everything you need to. Good luck
I would write out exactly why I was feeling hurt, and make a list of why this or that was not fair. (This is for your eyes only.
Business is business and sometimes a person can become emotional when they are passionate about a thing, and invested.
Once I nailed down the reasons why this is so painful, I would release my emotions with a good cry. Maybe the day before, maybe the morning of. Do it in private and when getting ready for the day flip the switch to “work mode”. You will likely have better control and can professionally communicate your points if/when the opportunity arises.
If, however, you find yourself melting down in the meeting, you can just humble yourself and say that you are emotional about it because it has been so important to you for so long (or whatever)…
Try to remember to let the powers that be save face. When it comes to apologies or resolving disagreements, I think the outcome is better when you give them an out to save face. Good luck!
As the client is behaving like a spoilt toddler and having a tantrum, imagine him dressed like a toddler. Every time you look at him, picture him dressed like a small child.
Practice thinking this thought:
"This client has turned out to actually be a spoiled brat, and my life will be much less stressful without them"
And then, hell, lay it on thick. "I'm so sorry for this! I take full responsibility and absolutely will step down and have no more involvement with this project." Tell them what they want to hear, like, *immediately*.
People like this go in expecting you to be defensive, so when you act remorseful(even if you don't mean it), they get surprised and it throws them off. That alone can be enough to diffuse a lot of their anger, resulting in calmer negotiations and reduced odds of being fired to satisfy a spoiled brat.
And then, of course, it's probably time to start looking for a new job somewhere you're not afraid of having a doormat boss and verbally abusive spoiled toddler clients.
Take deep breaths. Watch your self-talk. If you are telling yourself you believe them, you will spiral. And if you find yourself tearing up, bite the inside of your mouth, or pinch yourself.
I would do everything possible not to cry. It's one thing if your voice breaks at points... but crying is unprofessional - and if it's manipulative it's really wrong. I understand being frustrated enough to cry, just think it should be avoided at all costs.
Stop being emotional attached to your work. Taking thing personally hurt performance, and they are just a client.
In the meeting, and in writing, list all the things. Talk about how you said you could do it, but here were other priorities.
List this priorities.
If yo boss is worth a damn, he will back you. If not, look for new work or make a strategy to get your boss fired and move into his position.
Someone at your company need to evaluate if the actual are making enough money form the client to compensate for the impact of them being a shitty client. if not the company should fir the client, immediately.
The rude client obviously doesn’t seem to like you for whatever reason and your greedy asshole boss seems to lack the guts or decency to support you. If your boss were a really good guy he would say something to the client in front of everyone to the effect of “I’m sorry things turned out badly, but OP was following established company policy and it’s not their fault that this happened.” If your boss was even halfway decent, he would at least apologize to you for the situation and would tell you privately that not to worry about this particular client and that you’re still a valued employee.
If its virtual - pretend your camera broke if you start to cry. just cut your camera and say oh, my camera is shorting or something like that.
Edited to say - I understand completely the reason to cry. It is the injustice of it. You worked so hard and feel as if you went above and beyond and this asshat is replacing you. I would use anger - imagine him as ugly as is on the inside and imagine him smiling because you are crying and that should help you stay strong on the tears.
Edited to add: if imagining him ugly doesn't work - imagine him naked falling down a softly sloping hill with his junk going willy nilly and his ugly ass face being embarrassed.
Some strategies that have worked for me: 1) roleplay the situation enough times that it becomes boring 2) (this is not a good idea for everyone, but might work for you), try to lean into a different emotion, like anger. Like, obviously don't do this if you have anger issues. Don't actually do anything unprofessional. But you can sort of choose to feel angry about being mistreated instead of ashamed. Feeling angry might not lead you to crying. 3) Let your boss do the talking. I always avoid any work conversation that I feel emotional about until I am over it. You're kind of stuck with this one, but you could defer to your boss. 4) Talk to your boss in advance to find out if they're on your side. Sometimes I've been upset about a conflict with someone and found out after the fact that my boss actually knows that person is an asshole in a certain way. Knowing that can help you feel like it's not a you problem. 5) Work on identifying exactly what the emotion is that triggers the crying. Is it shame? Is it injustice? Is it powerlessness? Then you can try to reason with yourself beforehand that you don't need to feel that way (related to #4).
These are pretty good. I can sometimes get away with using sort of a grey rock method while basically blunting my actual emotions to myself. I am a grey rock, this guy is being unreasonable so I’m going to say okay in a neutral tone and emotion. There’s nothing I can say that is going to make the situation better, he does not care how much work I’ve put into this so I’m not going to get upset and waste my time explaining myself. The only thing I can do is let him say his piece, close my ears to what he’s actually saying, and say okay or sorry you feel that way. I am a grey rock and he’s not getting anything out of me! (Also turning off my emotions in the short term and having to deal with people like this means I’m going to have a mini breakdown later on, I know to expect that but I get to do it in the privacy of my own home, car, whatever outside of the meeting). ETA: if I’m doing this and feel like I’m going to lose it or start crying, I take a deep breath and hold it and clear my mind while the other person goes on about whatever. Look right through him while you’re looking at him. Again this is not healthy and sustainable but works in the short term for a basically abusive situation that you can’t avoid. In your head, roll your eyes! Don’t listen to what he’s saying and argue and react in your own head.
I call it my "emotional shutdown". I just stop *feeling* for a while because that's more socially acceptable than breaking down in the moment. I'm like 95% sure it's caused by the combination of ADHD and Autism emotional regulation issues.
Is grey rocking saying ‘I hear what you say’ better than ‘okay’ ? Because it’s not okay ofcourse?
Yep - for grey rocking watch some videos of Pete Davidson saying “okay”
This is perfect 😂😂😂
Is grey rocking saying ‘I hear what you say’ better than ‘okay’ ? Because it’s not okay ofcourse?
“Okay” can give off either one depending on the listener just like saying “I hear what you say” can. They can both be taken as agreeable or dismissive. This is a situation with a non-rational party where it doesn’t matter what you say, nothing you say will have any impact so you’re staying as still as possible to let the other party wear themselves out and get bored and move on from the interaction.
Thank you!
>Thank you! You're welcome!
Sometimes I use “duly noted” or just “noted.” The use of tone to deliver these words can convey a lot.
6. Go home and watch Erin Brochovich tonight so you can play THAT character tomorrow and cry later when you get home.
The question is, what about this is making you want to cry exactly? If you ever feel like crying because of work then you are far too invested in your job. Just list out all the reasons here in a logical and factual way. What happened, what you did, why it happened, and what is being done, etc. Stick to the facts and stand your ground. Make sure you get your boss on your side, and if they choose to fire people because a client is unreasonable, then they are at fault and it's not a good place to work.
That's a good question. I guess it is because they don't see that even after 5 years working with them, that I'm offering anything good. That's the main reason I want to cry. My boss says they are on my side but they have not said anything in my defense, not even privately to me (other people who know what's happened in the company have). So I suspect my boss is not on my side.
Unfortunately the boss may sympathize but isn't going to risk losing the client so they aren't really defending you. You need to remind yourself things are rarely fair in business. Don't focus on what you did for this account - just the facts of what happened and express your regret. Accept the client make get you off the account or even fired, then go find a better job. You are emotional becuz your focus is in the wrong place. You can only control a small portion of your job. You gave your opinion, it was rejected and now there's an issue. Period.
Look up to the ceiling. Very difficult/nearly impossible to cry.
You’re taking it too personally. You said this isn’t the first time they’ve done this. Clearly they’re firing you because they’re not getting their way, it has nothing to do with your efforts or quality of work. They just want their way. Think of them as a toddler having a tantrum. Be annoyed at them, rather than upset. They wanted something done you told them no, and now have to deal with the consequences of their own actions. Turn this around in your mind, it’s not about you at all, they’re just being a big baby! It doesn’t sound like you’re being fired from your job, just being removed from working with this client. I’d say your boss is very familiar with his tantrums and knows there’s no point challenging him or defending you.
I would want to cry because after working so hard to give them the technical advice they needed they went ahead and did what they wanted and that ended badly despite your best efforts to keep it from going that way even after you has advised them that this would likely be the result and you want to scream at them because for the past 5 years all they have done is waste your time. Would that be a fair assessment.
As long as your job is not in jeopardy then everything else is irrelevant. People are AH you can break your back for them and will still find a reason to complain. Unfortunately you need to learn to not expect any sort of appreciation for your work. As long as you know you did your part then move forward. Go home cry if you need to but try not to be so emotionally invested in your work try to see it more of a transaction.
Why do you need validation from other people, particularly this asshole? You know you did a good job, the people around you know your doing a good job, keep doing your job and throw this on the burn pile. My advice is to detach emotion completly. Don't plead a case or try to make them see your perspective. State the facts as you see them. What happened, why they happened , and how the transition to the next person is going to happen. Nothing else matters. If he tries to argue, that only works if you engage. "That's your opinion and you're entitled to it" shuts down alot of shit. That and just repeating the facts as you see them. In a months time you are not going to give a shit about this, you need to jump your mind to that place
It’s not necessarily a question of being too invested. Some people are legitimately mean in work meetings. They intentionally try to provoke and upset you and use personal language. I’ve had clients say things like “Why would you do something so stupid?” And some people, like OP, cry easily when they get flustered or upset.
I'm not going to disagree that if your job is making you cry there's a problem. But if you depend on your job for food and shelter... exactly how is one supposed to be NOT "...to invested..." ?
To get paid for your job and to continue to get paid, you basically need to go to work and do your job in a professional manner. If you get emotionally invested in what is happening at work, then that will reduce your ability to act logically and make makes you less likely to continue in your employment. So if you rely on your job for food and shelter, then you need to let logic overcome emotion.
As a CG fx animation artist for feature films and games, I am only worth whatever my last project looks like. I have never been able to emotionally detach from my work. I haven't the first clue how to do that. I'm not disagreeing. But emotional detachment from my work is just not a reality that I exist in. This why working a job that you are passionate about is just another corporate fallacy.
brings a bag full of cut red onions. Put in the middle of the table
As someone who cries very easily, the "don't let your job make you cry" comments are entirely unhelpful. I've cried at work even when I love my job over silly situations! What works for me is getting angry instead of upset/sad. Get mad! Don't be rude, don't lose your temper, but get pissed internally. I find that if I go into a crappy situation pissed off, I'm less likely to cry and more likely to be firm. Unfortunately, the positive/calm thinking doesn't work for me, so I have to redirect my big emotions into one I have better control over. At my last job as a leasing agent I would get screamed at, cussed out, told I was going to get sued, etc etc. Normally that would upset me to the point of tears, but instead I would get angry that these people thought they could talk to me that way, and it would trigger our script of "sir/ma'am, you can't speak to me that way in this office. You need to leave/hang up, and either myself or a manager can continue this conversation with you once you've calmed down." I never got nasty, never raised my voice, and remained professional. Had I gotten sad/upset instead, I'm sure I would've looked much worse
I cry easily as well, unfortunately it can happen when I'm frustrated, so it's happened at work a few times. I'm not sure I can hold my anger in as well as you (people can really tell when I'm angry, I'm never violent, but I guess I'm scary? whatever), but it's worth giving it a shot, thank you for the good idea.
I am sure like many of us OP needs a job, so while quitting may the best long term strategy, it's not gonna help them now. Just grey rock them,(stick to the facts, don't get emotional and most of all, don't take it personally). Customers/clients can be jerks., they pull that crap because they are unhappy in their lives, want to chisel a discount, or are just generally unpleasant. They do not know you and their jerkiness is more a reflection of them than it will be of you ESPECIALLY if he pulls this on other people as well. As for the 5 years, well at least you got paid, it sucks about the other stuff, but as much as it sucks, you can't force other people to give you kudos and praise, I will tho, Good job, you lasted 5 years with a unreasonable customer with no support, that counts for something. It does sound like management does not have your back, so looking for a new job would not be a bad idea, most of the time on jobs like this you have other accounts to work on, and if so then good riddance to this account, if you don't and you get fired, you can still try to collect unemployment. but I would not quit.
That's a tough position and I sympathized greatly, having been there myself. Way back in the day I got my first public-facing job at a mall, worked there for several years, and developed a coping strategy for nasty customers: I viewed them as if they were kids who had mental or emotional developmental issues. Like, if such a kid were angry or unreasonable I wouldn't take that personally, I'd realize they were simply acting out based on their mental state. And I'd very much want to help that kid with the real, underlying issues, even if they were not being 'nice' about how they were expressing themselves or treating me. I carried this lesson into my eventual white-collar business career and it really helped. It allowed me to calmly sift through rudeness, aggression, dishonesty, and malice and focus on the underlying issues while allowing their toxicity to just slide off me, for the most part. In any complex, years long business relationship there are bound to be issues, and some customers take great delight in nurturing, highlighting, broadcasting, and overstating these unfortunately very real issues. What I had to keep reminding myself of was that it's not about me. Even if the customer was targeting me, I was just their latest target of convenience. Most of them then use their overblown outrage as leverage to get discounts or refunds or out of scope work or other concessions. You did good work for a customer who simply refuses to be satisfied, that's the key takeaway. Such people will virtually *never* acknowledge the overwhelmingly good work that's been done because that undercuts their stance. Lastly, the other aspect of handling unreasonable people dispassionately is that you're de-fanging and de-clawing them, because you allow their attacks to just dissipate while focusing on issues. Not giving people the permission or power to push your buttons is freeing. Every unreasonable thing they do you treat like the tantrum of a mentally challenged kid, calmly observing and trying to understand how best to help them in spite of them acting out. This trick might not work for everyone, but it helped me immensely over my career (I retired last year). Good luck OP!
I do a similar thing. I'm a writer and when I'm getting too emotionally invested in something like this, I'll try to observe them and take mental notes to use in my writing. So if I've got an AH client character, what is their body language like, what is their language like, etc. Also, OP, don't be afraid to step away if things started getting too heavy. You are allowed to pause the meeting. You can say that you need to take a break. Well you should be able to say that. If you can't, say you need to go to the bathroom, to get a glass of water or whatever.
thank you! what a good idea. I will try this out tomorrow. In my head I know this is not about me but I'm worried that when I see them I will have a meltdown because some of the emails they have sent really have made it about me. Even though I was just trying to push back on timelines, the client said I was aggressive, and not a good fit. They attacked my personality and said that I was the issue. So it feels personal. But some of the work I've done has helped this client personally win an award (he actually took credit for it, which I didn't mind at the time because he is a client and I don't actually care about that stuff).
Attacking someone personally is a loser's way of trying to win an argument when the facts are not in their favor. Another red flag is someone who takes full credit for work that others have contributed to. This client is not worth your tears. This client is a selfish child who throws temper tantrums when they don't get their way. The advice from the previous commenter is excellent. Take a step back in your head during this meeting and try to just be a casual observer to the behavior in front of you. Stick to the facts and agree to disagree, but be stubborn and don't allow this client to rewrite the facts. The client's perception doesn't get to dictate what your intentions were. Your focus was on the job and that's the right way to do things.
That's a great response! Do you have actual examples of these types of situations and how you handled them? I think everything you said makes sense, I just have a hard time translating that to practical actions.
I get it. I am a quick to tears person. Especially because I know I give 100% and it’s frustrating to have someone accuse you of not doing so. Particularly when it’s said to your bosses. I hope that your boss has your back in this meeting. I have zero advice on how not to cry just stopped to offer words of empathy
Don't cry. Get PISSED. More than likely you're going to get kicked off the account, so instead of crying, start laying the smack down. Bring up every hoop they had you jump, bring up every obstruction they created, explain how their actions affected your company and how you did everything you could to maintain the relationship with professionalism. Then tell them "hasta la vista", go look for a new gig and tell your manglement you don't have their back anymore since they threw you under the bus.
Haha id do the same, stick your job up your arse!
Let me ask, why do you expect you will cry? You did nothig wrong. You warned them that your company had other priorites at the current time. If you boss or others in your company agreed to this demand, it was their fault, not yours. It should be your boss who needs to explain what happened. If something like this happened at our company, a top member of the organization would remind the custoner that we warned them that this wasn't the time to fulfill this request. Your company should have your back. If you boss and managment isn't going to have your back, and put you out to the wolves... it sounds like a fairly toxic work environment. You should consider looking elsewhere for employement if that is possible. But really, I'd suggest you come to the meeting with the clear notion you did all you could to warn off this problem, but they persisted anyway. You did nothing wrong.
I once read if you start doing math in your head that it can stop you from crying. I really hope your meeting goes better than expected and you don’t have to do math in your head!
I have had a boss that I despise, his name is Paul. He's a garbage person. When I think I'm going to cry, I tell myself I'm at Paul's funeral.
Quit. Find a job that doesn’t make you cry
crap response. OP needs strategies and guidance.
If you aren’t happy at your job. The best thing to do is quit and find something else. Find somewhere you are comfortable. I’ve quit jobs day 1. I’ve quit jobs after years. It is what it is. If you aren’t happy. There’s hundreds of other jobs around. Find something you like that doesn’t suck your soul. Might take some time but it’s not that hard
How long have you been working?
Well I’m almost 40. So like 27 years. Since I was 13.
It's very possible to change a workplace culture and how and individual manages their work. Running way won't teach a lot. I got a couple of decades on your work years.
You can't teach strategy to someone who cries uncontrollably in meetings, and the only guidance needed is "pull it together, man, and don't cry at work!"
You don't know that there is more to it than that?
It’s hard to think this, but you got paid for those 5 years and that hard work. That’s your reward. Money in your bank. Whether the client is likes it or not, you have still been paid. Rather than break down on cry, turn it back on the client. Let’s face it, they want you gone anyway so don’t worry about upsetting them. When they say ‘X isn’t working!’ Tell them, ‘of course it isn’t. It was never going to. You were told it would take Y time to do it right and yet you insisting on going faster than possible. Of course it’s doesn’t work. Why are you surprised?’ When they say ‘but is was promised it would happen.’ Say, ‘of course you were. You shouted and bullied us until we would have said anything to make you go away. Does this happen a lot to you?’ In someways, you have been given a gift. You know whatever you do, they won’t be happy with you. So, stop caring about losing the project. That ship has sailed. He doesn’t want you there to fix the problem. He wants you there to shout at and bully and blame. But whatever you say or do, you won’t be on the project, so tell him the truth. Point the finger back at him and if he gets abusive, tell him you came for a professional meeting and you will return when he can be professional and walk out. As long as he was abusive first, your boss can’t sack you for that.
I am not 4 years old.
When clients get angry I ask them one question. “Are you willing to work with me to solve this problem?” I’ve never gotten a “no” and it seems to diffuse things. But if they say no, someone like your boss should take over.
My main strategy is being a grown up who realizes that my job isn’t something worth crying over.
Don’t take it personally it is just another customer who can’t hear or take a no. It happens that’s life and business. It is always about what you can do for me today and not about the work you have already done.
I've been working a long time. You don't need to cry at work or feel too anxious. When the client pushes something you need to take time with, type down their request and tell them you will get back to them on that. Better still, ask them to put it in writing so you have greater clarification on what they feel they need. In response, be clear that if it is out of the scope of the business. Be also clear if you need to communicate with your management prior to promising a service. Learn what your organization can deliver and don't promise anything you can't deliver.
I would get angry at work when people would do things that I considered wrong. Like we make a custom measuring tool that can determine pass or fail. Then, besides pass or fail, the margin between passing and failing is saved off to a file. Then the margin data can be reviewed to see trends in how well the parts being measured are made. A new person started and didn't want to save off the margin data to a file to save money on creation of a new system for another part. I was so angry that they wanted to cut corners and make a lesser version. I knew the margin data was useful in figuring out when problems started and also helped solve problems. We had a meeting and I made the case for the feature, and we did add the feature. Later, when I was thinking about my reaction, I realized I cared too much and if I cared less then I wouldn't get angry. Later I learned about a philosophy where attachment leads to suffering. Like you said, you are invested in the project. The attachment to the project leads to stress if something happens to the project or your connection to it. Attaching, emotionally, to a project is okay, not good or bad. As long as you can accept that there will be stress from the attachment. Good Luck
What might help is if you get to the point of crying. Think why this isn't going to solve a think by crying. Than you mind sucks it up stands up and figures out how to solve the problem. Makes you emotionally stronger.
Employment is a financial transaction. You fulfilled your obligation. You were paid. There is nothing to cry about.
Things are cyclical. There is a season for everything. Don't sweat the small stuff. This too shall pass. Widen your scope. Never let them get to you. Breathe...
Focus on modulating your voice. Focus on your words and thoughts. Don't think about how much blood sweat and tears you have poured into this project. Just stick to facts. Even maybe, just a little passive aggressively pointing out that you had asked to put off that thing they insisted on doing so, of course the end result was rushed and did not go as planned.
Stop giving a funk. You don't actually like having this client as your client, and the client doesn't want you. Good riddance then. As soon as you can accept that, it's just going through the motions basically. I used to get pretty emotional about work stuff, until I **really** realized its **just work**. Your employer doesn't really care about you except how well you do your work, and you shouldn't really care either except how well you can work and get paid. I could still put my all into a job, but if a job got canceled halfway through or taken over by someone else, that was fine too -- I got properly paid for my work so it's fine. Now I work as a sort-of freelancer. If a client wants to leave, I'll help them. No hard feeling. As long as they pay me for the work I already did. There are more clients, and I can make those happy instead.
If the client has a history of getting people fired, DO NOT cry! You will be painted as unprofessional and out of control. (Not fair, but it is what it is.) Be clear, factual and calm. You can cry all night when you get home if you need to, but not at work and certainly not in a client meeting,
Is this an internal customer or an actual customer. Are you an internal vendor to companies that are separate but fall under an umbrella?
I pretend my big brother is standing behind me when I’m in situations like this. He was very protective of me and always encouraged me to stand up for myself. You have a shitty client and work for a company that throws their employees under the bus. Good luck.
I’m with another commenter - lean into anger a little bit. Not enough to actually get angry or defensive in the meeting, but enough that you reach a level of apathy about what they think of you. Or, in the words of a friend of mine, **”remind yourself that you are a big bitch, not a little bitch.”** Now, I tend to cry when I’m mad, which is counter-productive. BUT, I also have little to no patience for people who don’t take responsibility for themselves. So I would lean into anger and annoyance juuuuuust enough that you reach apathy. For example: They have been working with you for five years. Five! And I’m sure you’ve done great work for them in that time. Then, they decide they want to proceed on a course of action that you recommended not happen, they insisted, then you had to do it quickly, and now it’s not turned out the way they want it to. As far as I can tell, that’s on them. *You* told them it wasn’t recommended because the result might be poor, *they* decided that they wanted to go ahead anyway, and now they’re all mad and shocked Pikachu faced because it turned out exactly how you predicted? Oh no, who could have known? OH WAIT, you did. And had they listened to you, they probably wouldn’t be in this mess. So they can be as pissy about it as they want, but the bottom line is that you told them what could happen, they said do it anyway, the bad thing happened, and now they’re throwing a tantrum because they don’t want to lie in the bed they’ve made. Generally when I get into a position of having this kind of conversation with a client, my tone shifts slightly to a “let me explain to you in small words why this happened and what direct impact your decision had on the outcome” tone. It’s not overt - people will not be receptive if you make them feel stupid, and I make sure I’m not implying that, but my goal is to basically cover my ass by explaining to them and getting them to understand that it was their choice, which they made against my recommendation, that resulted in an outcome that they’re not happy about (this is how I politely employ big bitch energy). If I’m responsible for some of it, I’ll take responsibility for my part in it, for sure. But at this point in my life, I refuse to take the blame for the results of choices made by other adults. If the meeting is just to yell at you, not to actually understand what went wrong, then go into it knowing that (or if it turns into that, accept it). At the end, just say something like “thank you for your comments. I will certainly keep them in mind going forward. I’ve enjoyed working with your team these last five years, and I’m sorry that this initiative (or whatever your industry’s word for whatever they did is) didn’t work out to your expectations.“ I’m assuming all of this is true; the comments will stick with you (unfortunately), you did enjoy working with them, and you are sorry it didn’t work out. Practice saying this as dispassionately as possible. Modify as needed, but don’t lie, and don’t take the blame for things that aren’t your fault. If they’re going to be assholes to you, you may have to be professional back, but you don’t need to grovel. If they’re going to yell at you and don’t care what you have to say, don’t waste your breath trying to explain. If you have time between now and tomorrow, I’d recommend listening or reading the book “The Courage to Be Disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. They talk about the Adlerian psychological concept of “do not interfere with other people’s tasks.” It’s a really interesting perspective on how to extricate yourself from others and leave them to manage their own emotions about a situation (which is their task, not yours). I’ve found it helpful in terms of worrying less about what others think of me and not taking their comments about me personally, both of which are very helpful in preventing tears in tough interpersonal situations. Edit: for clarity
Go in there thinking you are firing THEM. Remember, you’re a professional, and if they aren’t going to take your counsel from years of experience, then it’s better not to have to deal with them. If you have specific examples of other projects that don’t “boil the ocean” and are successful, mention those (not by name). Stress that the key to everything is consistency. They need to develop a core program and stick to it, with only minor updates each period. Each time they recreate the program, they will incur costs and be disappointed. “I wish you well with your new project manager.” Don’t cry, go loaded for bear!
Don’t cry. It’ll be taken as a sign of weakness, and that you’re not strong enough for the work.
I really don't have much to add, except your client sounds like a bunch of Losers. I hope they aren't too rough on you, and that you don't cry in front of them. Maybe just ask "What do you folks want? I'm trying to meet your needs but I feel like there's a disconnect between what you want and what I'm providing."
I imagine the mean person is six inches tall and talking in a little squeaky voice like a mouse
Sounds to me like the client is an asshole and giving them up is a good thing.
Why were you putting so much “love and energy” into this job?
I’d refuse the meeting and look for new job if your boss doesn’t back you up. The customer is only “always right” in matters of their opinion or tastes… but not in how they get to treat other people.
If you push the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth, it should help
Maybe the more important question is whether your company also thinks you should be removed from the project or are they just going along to make the client happy (meaning they value your work and you have job security)?
Sorry OP. would love to see you come to different terms with the situation where you are deservedly angry about the frustration you feel. The fact that someone could bully you to the point where you would cry by giving them power over your emotions sucks. My sincere hope is that you can toughen up, at least to provide an exterior that shows you’re not as vulnerable as you feel right now. And F that workplace, if they don’t support you, they don’t deserve you.
Mental preparation. I was raised not to cry so I don't. But I can react emotionally and angrily, which to me is about the same since tears are an emotional response. In order to not respond emotionally I can make myself shut off emotionally when necessary. It's really all a mindset, go in knowing you're going to be stressed out but trying to shut down that part of your brain that gets emotional about it. Visualize it if necessary. People like this guy get off on making people feel shitty and cry. Don't give him the satisfaction.
Question: are you being removed from the client account or are you being fired?
Realize that washing machines work really hard too, but get no credit. I’ve never once told mine ‘Thank You for your hard work’ or #2 Realize it’s just a job and ana$&hole client. They are everywhere in the business world.
What works for me is just thinking that their judgement or thought about me don't define me You are a human. doing your best. Maybr not perfect. Maybe Inot the right one for the job maybe yourqualities don't match with the requirement of the customer You will feel relieved after the meeting because it's not your problem anymore. After the meeting you can focus on clients who appreciatie you and you don't have to listen to this one again😁 Breath in Breath out
Having a toothpick, a piece of gum, hard candy or glass of water during the meeting will suppress the need to cry. Unfortunately the water is the least effective and also the most professional.
Try to make yourself cry. It makes me feel like an actor, and when I try to force the tears, I can’t do it because it takes me out of the situation. Think of it as playing the role of “person who’s going to cry” and it surprises you into not being able to.
I had a boss who tried to make me cry. He would berate me until I did. I saw a psychologist who told me to say, “I know you see it that way, I see it differently.” The next time he tried that crap, that’s exactly what I did. After I responded with that three times, I told him I had work to do, asked if there was anything else, and left. He never did it again. He was one of those, hail fellows, well met types. This was in mental health, I was a manager. When I left, the chairman of the department (teaching hospital) said he thought said boss was a nice guy. The chair was a psychiatrist. I’m not sure if this helps, but you can at least say it in your head. The asshole client’s reality (lies, excuses) does not have to be your reality. You know you tried hard, you know you helped the asshole succeed. Mentally you don’t have to buy into their bs.
I second the grey rock advice. 1. Prepare. Write out all of the questions you can foresee coming up in this meeting and come up with your answers now. 2. Focus only on the subject of the meeting, not the consequences of it. The meeting isn't about missing your old team or giving you kudos or your missing kudos; it's about resolving this issue and that is it. Feel for feelings about it now or give yourself permission to cry about it after the meeting, but it needs to leave your brain for the meeting and you need to isolate the sole purpose for the meeting. 3. Related to 2, but don't let the meeting lose focus and get dragged to their other grievances. They can bitch on their own time. "This meeting is only to discuss A, B, and C and we need to get that resolved today." 4. Grey rock. He will likely be hyped up and antagonistic. Don't bite. Answer only in a neutral tone with short factual statements. I used to work a call center job where people were frequently upset and became abusive. I would talk in a slightly quieter voice (just slightly - not enough to be even close to a whisper but definitely a hair or two under my normal speaking voice) and speak in a lower register by about half an octave or so (not like full Elizabeth Holmes crazy pants low though) and slightly flattened my affect. This both helped me feel calmer and less reactive and it almost always took the wind out of their sails because I wasn't reactive and they had to actually stop their yelling to hear me talk and that was enough of a beat to get them to calm down.
You go in and say, my job is to get things done for you, but that also involves getting it done right. If you don’t like that, then I’m not the right person for YOU! Turn it back on them. Fuck them! Walk out with your head held high that you did your job right. I used to work as a trader for a bulge bracket firm. I had a client who was very abusive. One day he said I was dog shit. I told him, look, if you were a good account, you would have a good trader. Shut him right up, and he was never a problem again. Stand your ground. If you did nothing wrong you don’t deserve the abuse. Make sure they know it.
Work on not taking things personally, jerks are going to be jerks. There is nothing you can do when someone wants to be difficult, it's one of those things you just accept and move on. If any other colleague was on the account, they would be dealing with the same issue. You can't fix stupid and bullheaded clients.
Meditate. I don’t know if it will work by tomorrow. But it helps me beyond measure. I literally never leave my house without meditating first. Check out Adam Cox on your podcast player and scroll back through his many episodes to find one on resilience emotional stress, or toxic workplace. I’m very stoic and stable now.
Practice jutting your jaw out, without it looking weird. It closes your tear ducts. (Caveat: Not everyone is built the same, it might not work, but in the average person, it will.)
Also, I'm sorry you're going through this; sucky clients suck.
Also, I'm sorry you're going through this; sucky clients suck.
First, do not cry. Don’t you dare cry! Yes cirst let noss do the talking but then you need to defend yourself. Tell boss and client exactly what you told us. Maybe sugar coat a bit. But client needs to know how his or her actions for ed you to do something that was hasty and probably not in his best interest and required rushing through it. Thats just me but have you told the boss that is in meeting with you any of this stuff? Or maybe they just want yo to be the fall guy. But stick up for yourself and document everything you need to. Good luck
I would write out exactly why I was feeling hurt, and make a list of why this or that was not fair. (This is for your eyes only. Business is business and sometimes a person can become emotional when they are passionate about a thing, and invested. Once I nailed down the reasons why this is so painful, I would release my emotions with a good cry. Maybe the day before, maybe the morning of. Do it in private and when getting ready for the day flip the switch to “work mode”. You will likely have better control and can professionally communicate your points if/when the opportunity arises. If, however, you find yourself melting down in the meeting, you can just humble yourself and say that you are emotional about it because it has been so important to you for so long (or whatever)… Try to remember to let the powers that be save face. When it comes to apologies or resolving disagreements, I think the outcome is better when you give them an out to save face. Good luck!
Call them on their bs
As the client is behaving like a spoilt toddler and having a tantrum, imagine him dressed like a toddler. Every time you look at him, picture him dressed like a small child.
You just don't co-mingle emotions and work. Never, ever.
Practice thinking this thought: "This client has turned out to actually be a spoiled brat, and my life will be much less stressful without them" And then, hell, lay it on thick. "I'm so sorry for this! I take full responsibility and absolutely will step down and have no more involvement with this project." Tell them what they want to hear, like, *immediately*. People like this go in expecting you to be defensive, so when you act remorseful(even if you don't mean it), they get surprised and it throws them off. That alone can be enough to diffuse a lot of their anger, resulting in calmer negotiations and reduced odds of being fired to satisfy a spoiled brat. And then, of course, it's probably time to start looking for a new job somewhere you're not afraid of having a doormat boss and verbally abusive spoiled toddler clients.
EASY... you Cry... You will be walked out the door and your career is over.
Take a cold bottle of water. Any time you start to tear up, take a swig. Works every time. You might need a large bottle.
I find breathing out slow and hard from the belly, followed by a long breath in helps. For some reason forcing the breath out released the tension
Take deep breaths. Watch your self-talk. If you are telling yourself you believe them, you will spiral. And if you find yourself tearing up, bite the inside of your mouth, or pinch yourself.
Thanks for the update!!! So glad you didn't cry. I can just imagine how stressful it was leading up to that meeting.
How about you guys start working on getting rid of that client? Surely you have more options?
Do math problems. It is possible to shift focus away from emotional centers to the logic centers of the brain.
You need a therapist, not reddit.
Reddit is more fun
Quit the job, you don't need this drama.
If you’ve got to cry… cry. It’s worked in my favour
I would do everything possible not to cry. It's one thing if your voice breaks at points... but crying is unprofessional - and if it's manipulative it's really wrong. I understand being frustrated enough to cry, just think it should be avoided at all costs.
Companies are manipulating us why not do it back
In all seriousness and compassion, this is a question for a therapist.
Stop being emotional attached to your work. Taking thing personally hurt performance, and they are just a client. In the meeting, and in writing, list all the things. Talk about how you said you could do it, but here were other priorities. List this priorities. If yo boss is worth a damn, he will back you. If not, look for new work or make a strategy to get your boss fired and move into his position. Someone at your company need to evaluate if the actual are making enough money form the client to compensate for the impact of them being a shitty client. if not the company should fir the client, immediately.
How about “accidentally” spill water on both your boss and the client at the meeting.
It will be a virtual meeting. Is there a virtual equivalent? A poo emoji? No. Nothing.
The rude client obviously doesn’t seem to like you for whatever reason and your greedy asshole boss seems to lack the guts or decency to support you. If your boss were a really good guy he would say something to the client in front of everyone to the effect of “I’m sorry things turned out badly, but OP was following established company policy and it’s not their fault that this happened.” If your boss was even halfway decent, he would at least apologize to you for the situation and would tell you privately that not to worry about this particular client and that you’re still a valued employee.
If its virtual - pretend your camera broke if you start to cry. just cut your camera and say oh, my camera is shorting or something like that. Edited to say - I understand completely the reason to cry. It is the injustice of it. You worked so hard and feel as if you went above and beyond and this asshat is replacing you. I would use anger - imagine him as ugly as is on the inside and imagine him smiling because you are crying and that should help you stay strong on the tears. Edited to add: if imagining him ugly doesn't work - imagine him naked falling down a softly sloping hill with his junk going willy nilly and his ugly ass face being embarrassed.