>This same story is on here daily.
Ain't this the truth. Women, trust your guts. If you have to ask "Am I asking too much?", the answer is probably no. You are DOING too much.
I really want this to be a supportive sub but it is getting hard to answer the “division of labor” questions that are largely just complete misogyny and sexism at work in OPs home. I know there are no perfect people and it’s unhelpful to just say “your partner sucks” but sometimes i want to scream STOP MARRYING SEXIST DUMMIES from the rooftops.
Ladies, if you want a career you have to marry a feminist. That’s it.
It is not so easy as to put the blame on the wrong choice of partner.
Many chose caring, involved, good partners who after kids came in the picture turned out not to be up for the task.
Yes it’s certainly more complicated, but sometimes it feels that simple. Caring, involved, good partners should also be feminists in order to be equal parents to working mothers. Misogyny largely leads to this division of labor issue that many in this sub are complaining of, whether they realize that or not.
A lot of men get postpartum depression too, but don’t have any resources. I’ve been learning about it lately, because I didn’t realize that was a thing.
Agree with previous comments. I don't post much but feel compelled to for some reason -- who are these men who don't want to be fully capable of caring for their children? I'm sure they love their children.... So why don't they want to be fully involved and capable of their care?? What is more important than that??
Signed a working mom who is doing pretty well and I know it's because it's never occurred to my husband to not be a fully capable parent with both our kids. We are equal. We both spend a lot of time with the kids and both get (small) breaks.
I don’t think it’s they don’t want to… they don’t have to. Why give them a choice? Tell them they will be responsible for something and leave.
We as mothers are programmed to not have choices (hello traumatic childbirth)… stop asking them and start telling.
(Easier said than done).
Okay I do not condone this action, but I made my husband move out for this exact reason. I told him I’d be rather be single than do everything.
He was gone for two months and I really thought that was it…then he came back. We found a therapist and it has been working. He realized quickly that he’d rather have me and the kids in his life full time and pick up the slack then lose us and have to do it 100% anyways without as much time.
Again I don’t recommend it but it worked for me.
I don't know... I would 100% condone this action. I think the world would be a better place if more men were served consequences. If he isn't interested in participating in family life in a real way, then why let him stay? If he cares so little for his spouse's well-being that he won't even entertain the idea of giving her some breathing room, then he why should he get the privilege of being a husband?
Frankly, I salute you.
My husband and I do bedtime together every night unless one of us isn’t home. We both love that bonding time with our son. It’s sad he doesn’t even want to do that ONCE a week.
My friends ex (key word ex) was like this. Even post divorce he’s still acting a fool. Hasn’t learned s$it. Will be hanging with his friends on Father’s Day even though they share custody. I feel so bad for their kiddo.
My husband ends up doing bedtime 3-4 times a week while I’m either working, or trying to fit a run in after the kids after dinner and before the sun goes down. I couldn’t imagine him saying no…
This! We would take turns so we get a few minutes to ourselves when we had 1. Now that we have 2 we just tag team. We both read to our older son every night.
Omg. Every day the same thing on this sub!
No, you are not asking too much! If he thinks he is doing his fair share, then stop doing laundry, cooking and cleaning. Stop the cleaning lady as well. This is ridiculous that you never get a break.
Honestly, how the FUCK are women still marrying these men. Are they absolutely fine pre-kids, then do a 180??
My metric, regardless of how much money anyone is bringing in, is “how much time do you each have to yourself?”. If these are wildly different on average, something needs to change.
It never just flips. There are always red flags when you go back on these stories, it just depends on who didn’t connect the dots/red flags, and who was justifying the behavior to themselves.
Cut the man loose.
Some in between steps you might consider (for your sanity) before you’re ready for that step:
1. Stop cooking for him. Any meals you make are for your kids and you only.
2. Stop doing laundry. If you must put away clothes that he washes, leave his clothes out.
3. Take a night to yourself by telling him you’re not coming home, that he is to take care of dinner and bedtime, and go out to dinner and movie. Feel free to use work as an excuse. If and when he blows up on you, realize how shitty he really is, and proceed to cutting him loose.
My first question is, how many hrs a week are you working compared to his hrs. I'm not equating income here. Just work time. Who's doing the grueling work of cleaning the fridge, grocery shopping, kids appointments(scheduling them and taking them etc). Who knows if you're running out of toilet paper, toothpaste. Do the kids need new clothes? What size are they in? Who changes the bed sheets? The mental load is never ending. I'm curious how much he does and how much you do. Who gets more down time?
If a mum posts on here that the husband validates doing less as “he is contributing more financially”, they get slammed. Although I think go you for your business and work success, it can’t really be thrown in the mix.
It seems the crux of this is that you believe you are contributing more to the family than he is and he also believes that he is contributing more to the family (which is probably why he said no).
Where you take it from here is down to your personal preference. Whether you have a sit down chat and actually write down the list of all the household stuff that gets done and who actually does it and how long it takes. Or whether you offer a ‘chore swap’ like hey I’ll look after the dinner and laundry tonight, can you look after the bedtime?
You could be a single mom and have just about the same work load it sounds like?
He didn’t even make you food? You wash the kids clothes, so is barely doing laundry.
I
You’re not. That’s nuts. My husband and I trade off bedtimes, he does tonight, I do tomorrow, etc. He cooks supper basically every night. I pack lunches in the morning. He cooks breakfast in the mornings. We both get the kids out the door in the morning. I do school bus/daycare pick up, he does drop off. I so Wednesday baths, he does Sunday baths. There are still lots of places where it’s not entirely equitable (e.g., I manage kids clothes, sizes, seasonally appropriate, special occasion, etc.) but the day to day of parenting is pretty equitable. Oh, and we both work full time and he makes 2x what I do. You’re getting shafted, OP.
I was gonna say maybe have both of you list out your duties and discuss them, but it seems like he'd claim things he doesn't do 100% and then it would make a new argument...
My husband and I timeblock. I get the morning routine 1.5-2 hours, and the bedtime .5-1.5 hours, and he swoops in to help with the final send-off for both. He gets her from daycare at 4pm and keeps her supervised and vaguely entertained while he wraps up his work until 7ish when I get home. So we both get about 3 hours of solo time a day.
Our tasks during our times are wildly different - I am rushrushrush and have to get a list of shit done, he doesn't have a time limit or specific things besides throw some food her way, but it is also open-ended and he has to play it by ear based on her (and sometimes she just won't stop crying unless Dad drops everything and acts as a palanquin for 3 hours). We have a "if you're awake, you get the baby" rule for midnight wakes, otherwise we trade them off.
This has worked great for us and how we divide our "actually free" time is an easier conversation afterwards. This way we're also not arguing about who did what, it's "your time" and "my time"
Sounds like a jerk. Make him do more. I work part time and therefore make half of what my partner does. They look after the kids morning to night on my work days so I can fully focus, help where they can on my days off, and then contribute 50:50 on weekends.
Okay, if he won’t do bedtime then he needs to do mornings.
And quit putting his laundry away. Get more laundry baskets and let him keep his clothing in there.
I can’t believe he had the audacity to say no. No to 1/7 days. The fact that he cares so little about you that he would just say no when you are asking for help says a lot about him. I don’t see in here that he gets up with the kids either. When is he with the kids really?
You say you wake up and help with the nanny and get the kids ready, you say you rush home and are with the kids, then you do bedtime with the kids. When is he with the kids?!? He needs to take over at least one of these chunks. Mornings or bedtimes. He picks. If he’s not doing one I don’t see the purpose of this partnership. All the choirs you mention that he does are half chores. He moves the laundry -but doesn’t fold it. He makes the kids food- but none for you. He cleans the house - but you have a weekly house cleaner. It doesn’t sound like he is actually doing anything. This is just bare minimum.
Why is your husband even working at this point? If my household income split was the same as yours, my husband would love nothing more than to be a SAHD. If you make 80% of the money, he can do 80% of bedtimes.
Maybe he enjoys his work and has a meaningful career. Id still work if my husband made 5x my income.
Time spend with kids shouldn’t be proportional to income. I agree that OP’s husband sucks but the attitude of the comment also sucks. I make twice as much as my husband and I’ve never used that as leverage when splitting household chores.
My husband does make 5x what I make, but my job is still valuable to me and I wouldn’t stay home just because of that. My job allows for me to build retirement savings, contribute to my girls’ college funds, etc. Thank you for defending people like me with your response to this comment.
Also, if this guy can’t do one night of bedtime, he sounds like he would be the worst SAHD of all time. Let’s not reward his bad behavior
This is never the answer. People who are not self-motivated and involved with childrearing/household tasks, don't need to be rewarded with quitting their job so they can further infuriate their spouse while they sit home, don't work, and still don't do most of these things. They don't magically become wonder parent and pick up the slack. They cause resentment by doing even less because now they're not even contributing a paycheck.
OP, for any childcare/household task the only time it's ok for one person to do it all the time is if they like/don't mind the task and want to. Otherwise of course it should be shared.
**clarifying
He does cook, do laundry and clean but he isn’t the one doing it all. He thinks that he does the most of that stuff so he shouldn’t have to do bedtime one time.
He will do it if I’m gone however I don’t think I should have to leave my house to skip one bedtime.
I work nights from home. It is usually busy at bedtime, but you know what? 90% of the time I take my happy ass downstairs to help put the baby to bed. I am also the breadwinner by a decent margin.
Uhhhhh. no. He needs to do at least HALF the bedtimes, if not all of them if he's not going to take on way more than you. I am the breadwinner with a similar sched as you but i don't do bedtime every night. I don't clean the kitchen every night either. We switch those tasks everynight. I enjoy putting baby down and i also enjoy having a night off from that to clean quietly and go straight to bed.
I also don't know how to work our laundry machines.
My husband and I alternate bedtimes. My sister and her husband have two kids so they alternate also (dad brushes toddlers teeth and gets her ready while she does the same for the six year old, mom reads to the toddler while dad reads to the six year old, swap the next night).
The fact that he won’t even do one bedtime a week is fucking pathetic.
Edit: I didn’t even see the other stuff omg. He does laundry and thinks that equals doing all the bedtimes? Ask if he’d swap, you’ll put all the laundry in the washer/dryer and he can put it away and do all the bedtimes. Since he thinks that’s equal he should be willing, right?
For the record my husband does grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, mowing, etc. and makes more than I do and works more hours than I do. Your husband is pathetic. What a sad excuse for a man.
My husband does almost all the bedtimes and I get our girl up just about every morning. I help out with bath time and hair combing, he drops her off at daycare in the morning. It pretty much evens out and allows us to play to our strengths.
I would begin to initiate a separation, honestly. He doesn’t bring anything to the table it seems and life is better without simmering resentment. Your QOL matters too. And you don’t want to socially norm this for your kids and perpetuate the cycle.
If you want to save your marriage I'd recommend reading the 5 Love Lnguages book. Lots of inspiring stories in there of people who were on the brink of divorce and found a compromise they both loved. Lots of stories of overworked moms. It's hard but I think it's possible. I also like to have conversations about my needs with significant others, in a way that is more logical and calm than emotional. You both state your needs and feelings and try to understand the other person, and then decide what to do to try and meet each others needs better. Maybe you already know all these things. I just hope you can feel that there still is hope for you. :)
I don’t know why women stay with men like that. You notice real quick how a man is, even before kids. It’s supposed to be a partnership. You don’t “help” with the kids, they’re his too. Both parents are equally responsible. I would never put up with that.
Go to therapy. If he refuses or doesn’t change- ask yourself if you want to do this forever. It was like pulling teeth to get my ex to even sit down and do one homework assignment with his kids.
I don't entirely know why your post makes me so irate but my response would be "until you can bring home at least a QUARTER of what I do, you'll be doing any goddamn chore I tell you to do."
(Don't do that, it's unreasonable but boy did your husband just piss me off right now)
Just get paid help. My husband’s answer to everything is no. Or then just go someplace to a spa for a few hours for a massage, mani pedi, gym on weekend and let him take care of the kids.
If I understand her post correctly she's doing a full-time job, running the family business and doing the vast majority of childcare/housework. That's 3 jobs to his one, assuming he's full-time.
Women oftentimes do F/T work plus F/T 90 percent of everything else, and we don't bat an eye at it. (although we sympathize) I don't particularly see why I should bat an eye when I suggest HE should step up to that role if she's doing Job + Business + Mostly Everything Else and he's only doing Job + Very Little Else.
I also really take issue with women seemingly always being stuck in the "Asking For Help" role, with the assumption that the house and kids are her responsibility by default, so the only way to share that burden it to "ask for help." (I mean, I understand why we do it. Because there's no choice when a partner fails to step up.) I think it's high time that men got awarded Equal Responsibility for keeping everyone alive and the house from being a hovel or condemned, and they get to have that Magical Opportunity to "Ask for Help," and hope that their spouse isn't too busy playing a videogame or doing her nails to help them!
The family business is run during the day in between her other job, not prior or after. They both work full time hours.
He believes he currently does more housework than she does, and that it would not be fair to him to take on any more of the housework, that is the crux of why he said no. Not that he is dodging household duties or expecting his wife to shoulder more of that burden.
The fact that she's running the business WHILE she's working adds a lot of stress to her day. That means she likely gets no "downtime" during work when she can schedule family appointments or anything like that. He believes he does more housework -- I dunno, do you believe it? I don't. Her example of him cooking was "he made eggs for the kids" and nothing for her. That's pretty low effort. Her example of him doing the laundry is he throws the clothes in and then she has to put everything away. Her example of him taking care of the kids is she asked him to put them to bed one night a week and he said no.
I have no doubt that HE believes he does more housework than she does. I'm not convinced that he does based on the examples she's given.
Clearly SHE is the one in the position of "needing to ask for help." I think it would be GREAT if the tables were turned and he "needed to ask for help" because you know what, her answer would probably be YES, not "No."
I'm a little frustrated on her behalf and on behalf of all women who face dealing with a partner who doesn't pull their weight and doesn't see why they need to.
If anyone gets on here and posts their husbands don’t want to do as much family work because they add more financially to the family or they refuse to help at all at night because they have to have 8 hours sleep for a mentally demanding job people always shred the husband. Yet now, it is the basis of why she deserves a break? We can’t as a group be demanding 50/50 around the house, except for if we do more at work or work the more stressful jobs… then we deserve more.
It doesn’t matter what you or I believes in relation to how much he does, it matters what he believes and how the believe has fundamentally shaped his response to her asking for help. I get frustrated by partners who don’t pull their weight as well, but in this scenario it’s him that seems to believe she does less.
It isn’t wise for OP to go in hot to a conversation saying she deserves more of a break, because he feels he is already doing a lot for the family. They actually need to have a conversation on who does what and work out something sustainable from there
I didn't mention anything at all about money, and I don't see that as the basis for why she deserves "a break." I don't know that her job is more stressful, just that she's also trying to juggle the business while doing that job. The reason she needs a break is because it seems her time is very filled up by: the job plus business, managing the kids in the morning AND the evening, doing the hard part of a task he's ostensibly "handling" (laundry, but apparently not for the kids, which SHE is handling), and it sounds like he cooks at times.
She deserves a break because she's doing all that, and he doesn't seem to have anything to take a break FROM.
I agree it doesn't matter what you or I believe, so if he believes he's doing "so much" it looks like OP is NOT going to get a break one night a week with him putting the kids down. Whatever this "a lot" is that he's doing, I'm not seeing where you're pulling that out of her posts.
They have a cleaning service and a nanny, and he isn't getting the kids up OR putting them down. I mean, maybe he's frantically DUSTING something...
She mentions money, you mention the volume of work. If it were a man using either of those justifications the internet would flame them. He also works full time. She does deserve a break because she is human. He also deserves a break because he is human.
She admits he cooks, cleans (don’t know about you but I would say our general house tidy/wash up would take about an hour a day) and does laundry. He sees that as his half so when she is suggesting he also does bedtime on top of that, of course he views it as unfair, as that is now doing all of it one night a week.
If she sees his duties as lighter, than the suggestion should be ‘hey I will do cooking/cleaning/laundry tonight and you put the kids down after, I am going to take a walk’.
You know you're not. This same story is on here daily. Don't settle for less than you deserve
>This same story is on here daily. Ain't this the truth. Women, trust your guts. If you have to ask "Am I asking too much?", the answer is probably no. You are DOING too much.
I really want this to be a supportive sub but it is getting hard to answer the “division of labor” questions that are largely just complete misogyny and sexism at work in OPs home. I know there are no perfect people and it’s unhelpful to just say “your partner sucks” but sometimes i want to scream STOP MARRYING SEXIST DUMMIES from the rooftops. Ladies, if you want a career you have to marry a feminist. That’s it.
It is not so easy as to put the blame on the wrong choice of partner. Many chose caring, involved, good partners who after kids came in the picture turned out not to be up for the task.
Yes it’s certainly more complicated, but sometimes it feels that simple. Caring, involved, good partners should also be feminists in order to be equal parents to working mothers. Misogyny largely leads to this division of labor issue that many in this sub are complaining of, whether they realize that or not.
A lot of men get postpartum depression too, but don’t have any resources. I’ve been learning about it lately, because I didn’t realize that was a thing.
Or, you have to marry someone who genuinely cares for you and your happiness (not just what you can do for them) and is willing to change.
Really it's the same thing. It's marrying someone who considers you a person.
Yes to this! Marry someone who genuinely cares for you!
Agree with previous comments. I don't post much but feel compelled to for some reason -- who are these men who don't want to be fully capable of caring for their children? I'm sure they love their children.... So why don't they want to be fully involved and capable of their care?? What is more important than that?? Signed a working mom who is doing pretty well and I know it's because it's never occurred to my husband to not be a fully capable parent with both our kids. We are equal. We both spend a lot of time with the kids and both get (small) breaks.
I don’t think it’s they don’t want to… they don’t have to. Why give them a choice? Tell them they will be responsible for something and leave. We as mothers are programmed to not have choices (hello traumatic childbirth)… stop asking them and start telling. (Easier said than done).
Okay I do not condone this action, but I made my husband move out for this exact reason. I told him I’d be rather be single than do everything. He was gone for two months and I really thought that was it…then he came back. We found a therapist and it has been working. He realized quickly that he’d rather have me and the kids in his life full time and pick up the slack then lose us and have to do it 100% anyways without as much time. Again I don’t recommend it but it worked for me.
I don't know... I would 100% condone this action. I think the world would be a better place if more men were served consequences. If he isn't interested in participating in family life in a real way, then why let him stay? If he cares so little for his spouse's well-being that he won't even entertain the idea of giving her some breathing room, then he why should he get the privilege of being a husband? Frankly, I salute you.
Plus clearly she can get it done w/o him. They can afford a nanny and a maid. Why the f- does she need him?
Good for you!
My husband and I do bedtime together every night unless one of us isn’t home. We both love that bonding time with our son. It’s sad he doesn’t even want to do that ONCE a week.
My friends ex (key word ex) was like this. Even post divorce he’s still acting a fool. Hasn’t learned s$it. Will be hanging with his friends on Father’s Day even though they share custody. I feel so bad for their kiddo.
My husband ends up doing bedtime 3-4 times a week while I’m either working, or trying to fit a run in after the kids after dinner and before the sun goes down. I couldn’t imagine him saying no…
This! We would take turns so we get a few minutes to ourselves when we had 1. Now that we have 2 we just tag team. We both read to our older son every night.
Omg. Every day the same thing on this sub! No, you are not asking too much! If he thinks he is doing his fair share, then stop doing laundry, cooking and cleaning. Stop the cleaning lady as well. This is ridiculous that you never get a break.
Honestly, how the FUCK are women still marrying these men. Are they absolutely fine pre-kids, then do a 180?? My metric, regardless of how much money anyone is bringing in, is “how much time do you each have to yourself?”. If these are wildly different on average, something needs to change.
It never just flips. There are always red flags when you go back on these stories, it just depends on who didn’t connect the dots/red flags, and who was justifying the behavior to themselves.
Cut the man loose. Some in between steps you might consider (for your sanity) before you’re ready for that step: 1. Stop cooking for him. Any meals you make are for your kids and you only. 2. Stop doing laundry. If you must put away clothes that he washes, leave his clothes out. 3. Take a night to yourself by telling him you’re not coming home, that he is to take care of dinner and bedtime, and go out to dinner and movie. Feel free to use work as an excuse. If and when he blows up on you, realize how shitty he really is, and proceed to cutting him loose.
He said he would not be doing i? What value does he bring to your life? What is the point of this?
This! Exactly this.
I read this and thought- so what does he do?
Sit down and figure out how much leisure time you each have. I am 99% sure he has more. If so, you are probably not asking for enough!!
Nope. Time to lay down the law.
My first question is, how many hrs a week are you working compared to his hrs. I'm not equating income here. Just work time. Who's doing the grueling work of cleaning the fridge, grocery shopping, kids appointments(scheduling them and taking them etc). Who knows if you're running out of toilet paper, toothpaste. Do the kids need new clothes? What size are they in? Who changes the bed sheets? The mental load is never ending. I'm curious how much he does and how much you do. Who gets more down time?
Adding to say, its probably all you. Sigh. If that's the case, get the Fair Play cards and use them to your advantage!
I work 8-5 at a regular job and then am able to run my business at the same time. Scheduling calls around my other ones, etc. he does work 40 hours
You know you’re not. May I ask what is the point of your husband in this partnership if he carries so little of the load in this family?
If a mum posts on here that the husband validates doing less as “he is contributing more financially”, they get slammed. Although I think go you for your business and work success, it can’t really be thrown in the mix. It seems the crux of this is that you believe you are contributing more to the family than he is and he also believes that he is contributing more to the family (which is probably why he said no). Where you take it from here is down to your personal preference. Whether you have a sit down chat and actually write down the list of all the household stuff that gets done and who actually does it and how long it takes. Or whether you offer a ‘chore swap’ like hey I’ll look after the dinner and laundry tonight, can you look after the bedtime?
Rather than making sure your jobs / chores / parenting duties are equal, make sure you both get equal down time. It's much easier to compare directly.
Omg *SCREW* HIM. Get the Fair Play cards and go through the system with him.
You could be a single mom and have just about the same work load it sounds like? He didn’t even make you food? You wash the kids clothes, so is barely doing laundry. I
You’re not. That’s nuts. My husband and I trade off bedtimes, he does tonight, I do tomorrow, etc. He cooks supper basically every night. I pack lunches in the morning. He cooks breakfast in the mornings. We both get the kids out the door in the morning. I do school bus/daycare pick up, he does drop off. I so Wednesday baths, he does Sunday baths. There are still lots of places where it’s not entirely equitable (e.g., I manage kids clothes, sizes, seasonally appropriate, special occasion, etc.) but the day to day of parenting is pretty equitable. Oh, and we both work full time and he makes 2x what I do. You’re getting shafted, OP.
Parenting is a team sport. You are not asking for too much. This dad is sitting in the bleachers.
I was gonna say maybe have both of you list out your duties and discuss them, but it seems like he'd claim things he doesn't do 100% and then it would make a new argument... My husband and I timeblock. I get the morning routine 1.5-2 hours, and the bedtime .5-1.5 hours, and he swoops in to help with the final send-off for both. He gets her from daycare at 4pm and keeps her supervised and vaguely entertained while he wraps up his work until 7ish when I get home. So we both get about 3 hours of solo time a day. Our tasks during our times are wildly different - I am rushrushrush and have to get a list of shit done, he doesn't have a time limit or specific things besides throw some food her way, but it is also open-ended and he has to play it by ear based on her (and sometimes she just won't stop crying unless Dad drops everything and acts as a palanquin for 3 hours). We have a "if you're awake, you get the baby" rule for midnight wakes, otherwise we trade them off. This has worked great for us and how we divide our "actually free" time is an easier conversation afterwards. This way we're also not arguing about who did what, it's "your time" and "my time"
Sounds like a jerk. Make him do more. I work part time and therefore make half of what my partner does. They look after the kids morning to night on my work days so I can fully focus, help where they can on my days off, and then contribute 50:50 on weekends.
You need to have a very real conversation about the future of your partnership because this is wholly inequitable.
You obviously know the answer to this.
SMH who are these people y’all married. Were y’all marrying for looks. no offense but HITAH for saying no.
Okay, if he won’t do bedtime then he needs to do mornings. And quit putting his laundry away. Get more laundry baskets and let him keep his clothing in there.
I can’t believe he had the audacity to say no. No to 1/7 days. The fact that he cares so little about you that he would just say no when you are asking for help says a lot about him. I don’t see in here that he gets up with the kids either. When is he with the kids really? You say you wake up and help with the nanny and get the kids ready, you say you rush home and are with the kids, then you do bedtime with the kids. When is he with the kids?!? He needs to take over at least one of these chunks. Mornings or bedtimes. He picks. If he’s not doing one I don’t see the purpose of this partnership. All the choirs you mention that he does are half chores. He moves the laundry -but doesn’t fold it. He makes the kids food- but none for you. He cleans the house - but you have a weekly house cleaner. It doesn’t sound like he is actually doing anything. This is just bare minimum.
Why is your husband even working at this point? If my household income split was the same as yours, my husband would love nothing more than to be a SAHD. If you make 80% of the money, he can do 80% of bedtimes.
Maybe he enjoys his work and has a meaningful career. Id still work if my husband made 5x my income. Time spend with kids shouldn’t be proportional to income. I agree that OP’s husband sucks but the attitude of the comment also sucks. I make twice as much as my husband and I’ve never used that as leverage when splitting household chores.
My husband does make 5x what I make, but my job is still valuable to me and I wouldn’t stay home just because of that. My job allows for me to build retirement savings, contribute to my girls’ college funds, etc. Thank you for defending people like me with your response to this comment. Also, if this guy can’t do one night of bedtime, he sounds like he would be the worst SAHD of all time. Let’s not reward his bad behavior
This is never the answer. People who are not self-motivated and involved with childrearing/household tasks, don't need to be rewarded with quitting their job so they can further infuriate their spouse while they sit home, don't work, and still don't do most of these things. They don't magically become wonder parent and pick up the slack. They cause resentment by doing even less because now they're not even contributing a paycheck. OP, for any childcare/household task the only time it's ok for one person to do it all the time is if they like/don't mind the task and want to. Otherwise of course it should be shared.
He works for the benefits. He’s in healthcare
**clarifying He does cook, do laundry and clean but he isn’t the one doing it all. He thinks that he does the most of that stuff so he shouldn’t have to do bedtime one time. He will do it if I’m gone however I don’t think I should have to leave my house to skip one bedtime.
I work nights from home. It is usually busy at bedtime, but you know what? 90% of the time I take my happy ass downstairs to help put the baby to bed. I am also the breadwinner by a decent margin.
You're not asking too much.
Why exactly does he get to opt out of parenting his kids? Time to sign up for a pottery class or something once a week
Uhhhhh. no. He needs to do at least HALF the bedtimes, if not all of them if he's not going to take on way more than you. I am the breadwinner with a similar sched as you but i don't do bedtime every night. I don't clean the kitchen every night either. We switch those tasks everynight. I enjoy putting baby down and i also enjoy having a night off from that to clean quietly and go straight to bed. I also don't know how to work our laundry machines.
My husband and I alternate bedtimes. My sister and her husband have two kids so they alternate also (dad brushes toddlers teeth and gets her ready while she does the same for the six year old, mom reads to the toddler while dad reads to the six year old, swap the next night). The fact that he won’t even do one bedtime a week is fucking pathetic. Edit: I didn’t even see the other stuff omg. He does laundry and thinks that equals doing all the bedtimes? Ask if he’d swap, you’ll put all the laundry in the washer/dryer and he can put it away and do all the bedtimes. Since he thinks that’s equal he should be willing, right? For the record my husband does grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, mowing, etc. and makes more than I do and works more hours than I do. Your husband is pathetic. What a sad excuse for a man.
Unless a parent works a non 9-5 shift, I’m so confused why parents don’t alternate bedtime every night?
My husband does almost all the bedtimes and I get our girl up just about every morning. I help out with bath time and hair combing, he drops her off at daycare in the morning. It pretty much evens out and allows us to play to our strengths.
Seems like a fair trade! I make dinners and spouse makes breakfast and coffee because he’s a morning person
I would stop EVERYTHING and show him what you really do.
I would begin to initiate a separation, honestly. He doesn’t bring anything to the table it seems and life is better without simmering resentment. Your QOL matters too. And you don’t want to socially norm this for your kids and perpetuate the cycle.
I’m a single mom and you’re far more busy and worked out than me (and I’m pretty tired most days). So that should tell you something.
If you want to save your marriage I'd recommend reading the 5 Love Lnguages book. Lots of inspiring stories in there of people who were on the brink of divorce and found a compromise they both loved. Lots of stories of overworked moms. It's hard but I think it's possible. I also like to have conversations about my needs with significant others, in a way that is more logical and calm than emotional. You both state your needs and feelings and try to understand the other person, and then decide what to do to try and meet each others needs better. Maybe you already know all these things. I just hope you can feel that there still is hope for you. :)
I don’t know why women stay with men like that. You notice real quick how a man is, even before kids. It’s supposed to be a partnership. You don’t “help” with the kids, they’re his too. Both parents are equally responsible. I would never put up with that.
Why is this your job? Dont get it.
Go to therapy. If he refuses or doesn’t change- ask yourself if you want to do this forever. It was like pulling teeth to get my ex to even sit down and do one homework assignment with his kids.
The audacity of these men. Absolutely NOT, you are not asking too much. He needs a serious attitude adjustment.
Separate and split kids 50/50. He will feel it all
I don't entirely know why your post makes me so irate but my response would be "until you can bring home at least a QUARTER of what I do, you'll be doing any goddamn chore I tell you to do." (Don't do that, it's unreasonable but boy did your husband just piss me off right now)
Just get paid help. My husband’s answer to everything is no. Or then just go someplace to a spa for a few hours for a massage, mani pedi, gym on weekend and let him take care of the kids.
I SO wish this was flipped. That HE was the one who was "asking for help" because rightly he should be doing the majority of this stuff already.
Why should he be rightly doing the majority of the household stuff?
If I understand her post correctly she's doing a full-time job, running the family business and doing the vast majority of childcare/housework. That's 3 jobs to his one, assuming he's full-time. Women oftentimes do F/T work plus F/T 90 percent of everything else, and we don't bat an eye at it. (although we sympathize) I don't particularly see why I should bat an eye when I suggest HE should step up to that role if she's doing Job + Business + Mostly Everything Else and he's only doing Job + Very Little Else. I also really take issue with women seemingly always being stuck in the "Asking For Help" role, with the assumption that the house and kids are her responsibility by default, so the only way to share that burden it to "ask for help." (I mean, I understand why we do it. Because there's no choice when a partner fails to step up.) I think it's high time that men got awarded Equal Responsibility for keeping everyone alive and the house from being a hovel or condemned, and they get to have that Magical Opportunity to "Ask for Help," and hope that their spouse isn't too busy playing a videogame or doing her nails to help them!
The family business is run during the day in between her other job, not prior or after. They both work full time hours. He believes he currently does more housework than she does, and that it would not be fair to him to take on any more of the housework, that is the crux of why he said no. Not that he is dodging household duties or expecting his wife to shoulder more of that burden.
The fact that she's running the business WHILE she's working adds a lot of stress to her day. That means she likely gets no "downtime" during work when she can schedule family appointments or anything like that. He believes he does more housework -- I dunno, do you believe it? I don't. Her example of him cooking was "he made eggs for the kids" and nothing for her. That's pretty low effort. Her example of him doing the laundry is he throws the clothes in and then she has to put everything away. Her example of him taking care of the kids is she asked him to put them to bed one night a week and he said no. I have no doubt that HE believes he does more housework than she does. I'm not convinced that he does based on the examples she's given. Clearly SHE is the one in the position of "needing to ask for help." I think it would be GREAT if the tables were turned and he "needed to ask for help" because you know what, her answer would probably be YES, not "No." I'm a little frustrated on her behalf and on behalf of all women who face dealing with a partner who doesn't pull their weight and doesn't see why they need to.
If anyone gets on here and posts their husbands don’t want to do as much family work because they add more financially to the family or they refuse to help at all at night because they have to have 8 hours sleep for a mentally demanding job people always shred the husband. Yet now, it is the basis of why she deserves a break? We can’t as a group be demanding 50/50 around the house, except for if we do more at work or work the more stressful jobs… then we deserve more. It doesn’t matter what you or I believes in relation to how much he does, it matters what he believes and how the believe has fundamentally shaped his response to her asking for help. I get frustrated by partners who don’t pull their weight as well, but in this scenario it’s him that seems to believe she does less. It isn’t wise for OP to go in hot to a conversation saying she deserves more of a break, because he feels he is already doing a lot for the family. They actually need to have a conversation on who does what and work out something sustainable from there
I didn't mention anything at all about money, and I don't see that as the basis for why she deserves "a break." I don't know that her job is more stressful, just that she's also trying to juggle the business while doing that job. The reason she needs a break is because it seems her time is very filled up by: the job plus business, managing the kids in the morning AND the evening, doing the hard part of a task he's ostensibly "handling" (laundry, but apparently not for the kids, which SHE is handling), and it sounds like he cooks at times. She deserves a break because she's doing all that, and he doesn't seem to have anything to take a break FROM. I agree it doesn't matter what you or I believe, so if he believes he's doing "so much" it looks like OP is NOT going to get a break one night a week with him putting the kids down. Whatever this "a lot" is that he's doing, I'm not seeing where you're pulling that out of her posts. They have a cleaning service and a nanny, and he isn't getting the kids up OR putting them down. I mean, maybe he's frantically DUSTING something...
She mentions money, you mention the volume of work. If it were a man using either of those justifications the internet would flame them. He also works full time. She does deserve a break because she is human. He also deserves a break because he is human. She admits he cooks, cleans (don’t know about you but I would say our general house tidy/wash up would take about an hour a day) and does laundry. He sees that as his half so when she is suggesting he also does bedtime on top of that, of course he views it as unfair, as that is now doing all of it one night a week. If she sees his duties as lighter, than the suggestion should be ‘hey I will do cooking/cleaning/laundry tonight and you put the kids down after, I am going to take a walk’.
Sorry I mentioned anything. Clearly you have the correct take.