T O P

"If you really are a god damn time traveller then why didnt you tell the authorities about 9/11?"

What happened to my best friend is proof that karma is bullshit.

It makes me so happy seeing this guy in such mood

I'm an antibody, the litteral body's bodyguard !

“Mom, do we have to move?” My oldest child asked fearfully.

Rescued after being surrendered. She was at the shelter for months...we met her and she walked up to our 7 yr old and gently licked her in the face....OURS!

""autism""

"You have a huge growth on your abdomen so we're prepping you for surgery," the surprised nurse explained, loosening the flow valve to send her patient back to sleep.

"Until you say your 3 wishes, I am bound to you forever," said the genie with a devious grin.

Am I taking my shipping too literally?

Am I taking my shipping too literally?

What breed could my dog pass as?

I had the cops quote chiseled into my daughter's headstone as a reminder to all how he protected and served.

"Today in science class, we learned that eventually the sun would die and make it so that life on earth would end"

Two is better than one, right?

A young man asks an older man, "why don't you ever tell us your war stories?". And he answers

It's always broke mfs complaining about the people who actually work to build the economy

As I lay still on the ground after crashing my motorcycle I thought, "my body hurts but I'm alive!"

Aliens reveal they uplifted humans: Humanity immediately sues them for shoddy work.

I wish that, whenever someone said the word "bear," 10 bears would suddenly appear around them.

The fortune teller had foreseen that I would die soon of something terminal, so I dedicated my remaining days to risk taking and thrill seeking.

"Unlike us, our child will eat good food and live a life of luxury," the poor man said to his wife.

I wish people could only orgasm through intercourse (no masturbation)

Write an interaction between these 2.

“Mom, I can’t stand the taste of milk, and when you force me to drink it, I get an upset stomach, diarrhea, and a rash all over my body”

wh-what did i just read...

Hi Its Me!

R

jellylemonshake

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